Malcolm in the Middle s04e12 Episode Script

Here we go! Yes! I win! I win! I finally beat you in a video game.
In your face, Malcolm.
In your face.
- Dad, Dad - Yes! The goal of Video Golf is to get the fewest points.
Oh Nice game.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now - You're not - the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
- DEWEY: Give it! - REESE: No way.
- CRAIG: Okay, I'm going - to do a load of colors, Then a load of whites, so if you have any clothes in your room you want Craig's been over here every day helping out with the chores since Mom went to her sister's.
It was two weeks before we figured out nobody asked him.
So Dad's in charge.
Ow! - Boys, quit horsing around - and eat your dinner.
Ah! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop! - Now we are at - zero tolerance now! Do you hear me? Zero tolerance! You boys have got to learn to behave! From now on - Who wants more - mac and cheese? - All right.
Move it.
- Yeah.
Me first.
That is it! Sit down! - Just because your mother - isn't here Is no excuse to misbehave.
Now when I say zero tolerance, I mean zero tolerance.
Tolerance to the zero degree.
I'm talking zip, nada, zilch.
In terms of tolerance.
- (phone rings) - I'll get it.
- Malcolm - Hello.
We are having a discussion.
It's Stevie, he needs help with his math homework.
Go.
- So if your want to derive wave - maps in two space dimensions, You have to make sure - you're talking about - equivariant wave maps or else You can't keep calling me here.
I was guessing that you'd get to the phone first.
- Nicki, if my parents figure out - we're still going out, I'll get totally nailed.
- Then we'll never - get to see each other.
- I know it's hard, - but we have to be more careful.
- Well, I'm bored, - and my dad's gone for a while.
I'll be right over.
HAL: Okay, that is it! We are at zero tolerance now.
Zero tolerance! That's the night that the lights went out In Georgia That's the night that they hung an innocent man Well, don't trust your soul - To no backwoods - Southern lawyer 'Cause the judge in the town's Got bloodstains on his hands Bloody, bloody hands.
Yeah! Fantastic.
Once again you two have blown off my socks.
Francis, meet my nephew, Willy.
He doesn't speak English.
Hello.
Willy will be staying with us until his work visa gets straightened out.
- GRETCHEN: - Until then We will get to hear his wonderful playing every day, no? - Otto, let's get - our sheet music.
We can do our duet of - "Don't Go Breaking - My Heart.
" Ja.
It is not so much a song as it is a lovers' conversation.
Come.
So - how do you like - America? Well nice to meet you.
(music patterns matching (Francis' steps) - MALCOLM: - It's so weird at my house.
- Nobody ever - answers the phone.
My brothers are seeing who can go the longest - without changing - their underwear.
- I never thought - I'd miss my mom.
I still don't, but I'm getting close.
Well, it sounds like a drag, but at least it's going to be over in a month or two.
- Oh, by the way, did I - tell you that my dad's - Going to bring Trish - to my birthday party? Who's Trish? Trish the woman that my dad has been seeing for the past four months who totally hates me.
- Malcolm, - I told you about her.
Did I tell you my dad has taken away all my CDs? - He says it's because - I play them too loud, - But I'm pretty - sure I heard him - Listening to them - in the garage.
Malcolm, do you think for, like, once, we could talk about my problems? Oh.
Okay, sure.
Well, what are they? What are they? I've been sitting here - BOYD: - Nicki? Were you talking to someone? Yeah, it's my secret boyfriend.
He's hiding under the bed.
- Don't you - want to check? Why does everything have to be a snotty remark with you? Well, according to Trish, it's the "normal reaction" for not being the only girl in my daddy's life anymore.
Come on, Nicki, she was being nice.
- Well, it's none of her business - how I feel about anything.
She's not my mom.
Nobody said anything about her being your mom.
Maybe it's time we talked this out.
- Okay, what do you - want to talk about? - How much Trish - hates me? - You're not going to pick - a fight to get out of this.
We're going to hash this out if we have to sit here all night.
- HAL: - Boys - Boys, come on, - let's be reasonable.
- This is no way - to treat your father.
What kind of father are you? You're nothing but a joke, and you're weak.
- Oh, man, are you going - to pay for that When your mother gets home! You still think Mom's coming back after the way you screwed things up? - Dewey, what - do you think You're doing? - I'm lighting - Dad on fire.
No way.
I get to do it.
We'll all do it.
(whimpering) (screaming) Oh, my God, honey.
I just had the worst dream.
The boys just I-I lost control of them, and-and you were never coming home and It was just awful.
It's okay, sweetie.
Go back to sleep.
We'll spoon, okay? Okay.
(gasping) (music playing) - How come she's - allowed to be naked - On the kitchen table, - and I'm not? Dewey, if a cop - tells you to do something, - you do it.
(gasping) What are you boys doing? I told you to go to bed hours ago.
Actually, Dad, your exact words were just, "Go to bed.
" You didn't say, "Go to bed now.
" - If you leave us - a loophole like that, - I don't see how - this could be our fault.
- You have disrespected - my authority for the last time! I'm at zero tolerance! I keep thinking that at some point I might be able to trust you boys - to do as you're told, - but I can't.
- Well, there are going to be - some big changes around here.
Very big changes.
Now get to bed! Uh, wait.
Um could you repeat that? My mind kind of wandered toward the end.
- Don't push it, Reese.
- You know very well what I (clattering) (shrieks) Hi, Dad.
What are you? Have you been out all night? - Trust me, it wasn't my idea - to be out this late.
I suppose you were being held prisoner somewhere.
I got home as quickly as I could.
And besides, - what are Reese and Dewey - still doing up? Don't change the subject.
You crossed the line, mister.
And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer and no video games because I am at zero tolerance with you boys! Is that understood?! Zero tolerance! What? Did you just roll your eyes at me? - As long as you are - living in this house, I demand your respect! For what? This house is a pigsty.
Everything in the fridge has expired.
- I found a piece of cake - in the shower.
- DEWEY: - That's mine.
- And now you're screaming at me - because you can't control them, And you know what? - I'm sick of it.
- Oh, well, if that's The way you feel, you know where the door is.
I do know where the door is, and I know how to use it! It's 3:00 in the morning.
Everyone's a little upset - HAL: - Then go ahead - And use it! - See if I care! Just turn the knob and pull.
- Oh, I'll turn - the knob and pull.
Just watch me! Turning and pulling! I'm watching, but I don't see you doing it.
I am doing it.
Turn.
Pull.
And now I'm outside! Congratulations! - Would you like me - to close the door? Yes, close the damn door! Thank you! Here comes the tearful apology.
Three two one.
(door locking) So exactly how many militias is your dad in? - These are all - of his Armageddon supplies - For when the U.
N.
takes over - the banks.
Anyways, thanks for hiding me.
- I don't know where else - I could've gone - Without somebody's parents - turning me in.
- Well, I'm gonna get some sleep.
- I'll bring you a snack In the morning.
You know, - this is actually going - to be pretty cool, Having you hiding up here right over my bedroom.
You're like my little secret.
Help yourself to some snacks.
- Just be careful - of the trip wire.
There's darts tipped with - Just be careful - of the trip wire.
- You kicked him out - of the house? Oh, please.
He kicked himself out of the house, Craig.
Look, I've been through this before with Reese and Francis.
It never lasts long.
- When Reese was kicked out, - he spent the night on the roof Until he got into a fight with a pack of cats.
So that makes it okay that Malcolm spent the night - sleeping on a booze- - soaked mattress - In some dark alley? - Craig - Oh, my God! He's - probably dead by now! - Malcolm can take care - of himself.
- You're right, you're right.
He's - a genius, which would make him Even more attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs.
How long before - some government scientist - picks him up And tries to surgically attach him to some animal? (groans) (piano playing softly) (music patterns matching (Francis' actions) (music stops) (music patterns begin again) (dramatic tune playing) Stop playing.
No more piano.
No pi-a-no! Just stop playing! Ich verstehe nicht.
- HAL: - You let me know If you hear anything at all.
- Oh, my God, he's been - gone for over a day.
Where the hell is he?! Keep it down! The neighbors don't have to know our business.
How can you be smiling right now? - Because I just realized - We have a free pass.
What do you mean? - Can't you see how - guilty Dad feels? He's not going to punish anybody else for a while.
We're bulletproof.
What are you going to do? I'm not sure yet.
This is a once-in-a- lifetime opportunity.
It's got to be perfect and huge.
I want this to be a statement about everything I stand for.
Okay, watch this.
- Okay, I don't know - what happened I know what happened.
You have been riding those horses too much.
We have an ointment, Francis.
- You put it - on your leistengegend, And it will be as good as new.
- OTTO: - It's good stuff, - Francis.
It's tingly.
- Ja.
- Come on.
(Scotch tape tearing) (staple gun clicking) - Excuse me.
- What? Uh, your poster, it's distracting people from my poster, and mine was there first.
So? It's not your tree.
Look, I-I'm sure that your dog Milton Is very sweet and you love him very much, but I'm looking for my son.
An actual human being - who's been missing - for two days.
Now don't you think finding a lost person - is more important than - finding a lost dog? I don't know your kid, but from the way my mom and dad talk, your whole family isn't worth as much as my dog.
You li (chuckles) What's your name? - Patrick.
- Patrick.
Let me tell you - a little something - about your dog.
He's gone, see? - Some other family - has taken him in.
- And right now - that family Is pampering Milton in ways you never even dreamed of.
- So your dog - already loves them A lot more than he ever loved you.
- And if you ever - did get him back, Oh, he would just resent you - until he found some - way to escape again.
So, why don't you just take the poster down, okay? Take your poster down.
Your kid's probably in a crack house.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Hal shrieks) (Hal panting frantically) Hey.
I brought you some food.
- I can't believe I'm being - forced to live in an attic, - Living off someone else's - table scraps.
- Do you mind if I sit with you - for a little bit? - I'm really pissed - at my dad right now.
- You're pissed - at your dad?! Could you listen for a sec? - My dad just told me - that he's dragging me On some camping trip with him and Trish.
I can't spend an entire weekend in a tent with that woman.
He provoked the whole thing.
- He could've stopped - me from walking out - Of the door if he'd - really wanted to.
- Malcolm, I think it would be - a really good idea If you would listen to me right now, do you understand? - If you listen - to what I'm saying, - Then you can give it - some thought.
And then we can talk it out - in a way that's going - to help me.
- And then I can do the same - for you.
Then we could have - a conversation - that actually matters.
- No! - He had to act like a big man.
What was he trying to prove? That's it.
That's what? I can't take this anymore.
You are the most selfish, thoughtless person that I have ever seen.
From now on, I am not your girlfriend.
You're breaking up with me? You have killed everything I have ever felt for you.
It's over! But, but what am I going to do? - I never want to - see you again! HAL (over loudspeaker): Just come home, Malcolm.
If you want me to apologize, I will.
I was wrong, and you - were totally right - about everything.
Geez, Dad, hold something back.
Who cares what started all this? It doesn't matter.
I just want you back because you're my son.
And you're the only one in this family who has a chance - of amounting to anything.
- What? (over speaker): It's not true, son.
I was just trying to (turns speaker off) I'm just trying to get Malcolm home.
- Ignore that last part, Malcolm.
- You're our only hope.
- Please, come home.
- I love you.
(panting) So my dad kicked me out of the house, then Nicki broke up with me.
- I don't know how long ago - it was.
I can't remember if these mean hours or days.
That's Nicki.
(panting) Did you hear that? That's her talking.
What's she laughing about? She can't be laughing.
She's not laughing, she's crying.
Just like my dad.
They're all suffering now.
(chuckles deliriously) (music patterns (matching actions) Okay, Willy, here goes.
I know you are trying to be friendly, but what your armchair are doing is make me feel bad.
Crybaby bastard.
(inhales sharply) No, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.
I'm not going to get mad.
(serene tune playing) Okay, Willy, you want it, you got it! Come on, Willy! Make some music to this! Where's your music now, Willy?! Where's your music now?! He was playing music while I did stuff.
(choking) (gasping) (coughing harshly) Okay, maybe Nicki could have at least left me a paper cup or something up here.
(whimpering): I just wish she'd come back to say hello.
I miss talking to her.
I was going to be her little secret.
(sniffles) She's so incredible.
I can't believe she ever liked me.
I had Nicki and I had a family.
What happened? How did it ever get like this? My God, I'm horrible.
- No wonder my dad kicked me out - of the house.
I'm annoying and selfish.
Nicki and my family are lucky.
At least they get to get away from me.
I'm stuck here with myself.
Wait a second.
I don't have to be like this.
I can change.
I can totally change.
From now on, I'll just listen to what people say.
I'll be friendly.
I'll be considerate.
- (laughs): - Yeah.
Yeah, I like this new Malcolm.
(sniffs) (groans) (distant murmuring) That's her.
(panting) What's she talking about? That's a guy's voice.
There's a guy in her room.
A guy in her room! - NICKI: - I am telling you He is not here! (yelps) - REESE: - This moment has been A long time coming.
The fruit of over two hours of planning and labor.
Thank you.
Try as I might, I just can't find a flaw in this plan.
Behold! (grunts) (Reese screaming) - Turn it off! - Turn it off! Stop it! Dewey, aah! Dewey! Guys, come back! For the love of God, help me! Stop it! - CRAIG: - Reese, What are you doing? (screams) Whoa (water running, Reese sobbing) Help! Oh, why me? (sighs heavily) Welcome home, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Help me! If it helps, this probably would have happened even if Mom was here.
- Someone, please! - It does help.
- I have to go to - the bathroom.