Malcolm in the Middle s05e07 Episode Script

Christmas Trees

Oh, honey, I can't do any more tonight.
Let's get some sleep, huh? Wait, we bought ten presents.
Yeah.
Why are there 11 packages? (BOTH GASP) Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh! We would've figured it out before we mailed it, right? Yeah, absolutely.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me, now # You're not the boss of me, now # You're not the boss of me, now, and you're not so big # You're not the boss of me, now # You're not the boss of me, now # You're not the boss of me, now, and you're not so big # Life is unfair # Don't move.
Agh! Did you get it? Get what? It's three weeks till Christmas and Reese is holding off hitting Dewey.
Well, guess what.
I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
What? Thanks to the company's trouble with the government.
It's just so the board members can shred documents in peace.
Two weeks without pay at Christmas?! That means no presents.
December 2nd - "refused to eat booger sandwich.
" I know this is coming at a bad time but I think I have a plan that will get us through this.
I'm gonna sell Christmas trees.
What? In college I sold Christmas trees with my roommate Victor.
He sold illegal cable boxes.
To pay for the Christmas trees.
We made a killing! I've already talked to a supplier.
We can buy 130 trees at 15 bucks a piece.
And Ed is letting me use his vacant lot for free.
Really? If we sell them at six bucks a foot, that's an average of $45 per tree.
We can net over $2,600.
Well, if you think it'll work Reese and I have some money saved up.
We can get 200 trees.
We'll make 4,000.
You'd put your own money in? Sure.
I was going to invest mine with this Nigerian general but, hey, this is family! Really? You would go into business with your old man? I never dreamed anything like this would be possible.
(WHIMPERS) Dad - When I was a kid, I begged my dad to go into business with me but he never answered the intercom.
And now you boys want to go into business with me! (SOBS) (SOBBING) It'll be like a green grocery store! You know, Dewey, you've got $20 in your piggy bank.
I think they've got it covered, Mom.
Alright.
I'm in! (CRIES) It'll be weird not being with our families.
I know, it feels great! All the ugliness and turmoil you associate with Christmas is gone.
My family, they are finally here.
All the way from Stuttgart.
"Don't pack your heavy clothes.
It's not cold.
" I'm freezing off my ass! I have two children.
I don't need a third! Come on, you two, you are here now.
Just enjoy, yeah? Oh, I forgot! Everything has to be perfect with Gretchen.
Don't you raise your voice to Gretchen.
Anyone who is not an alcoholic, you accuse of being a perfectionist! (ALL SHOUT) Hal & Sons.
That means you, too, Jamie.
(GURGLES) I know it's just a crappy wooden sign but (SOBS) Boys, I want you to know that this is the greatest day of my life.
I'm so happy and proud of each and every one of you.
I just want to make sure you don't screw this up.
We will have so many precious memories together as long as you don't give in to your worst instincts and do something really stupid.
I just love you so much and I want to keep loving you.
Dad, stop worrying.
We can do this.
With what we've spent, we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67.
Then, let's sell that tree first.
What are those tools for? These are for setting up the trees.
First you use the radial saw to cut an inch off the bottom of the trunk.
Then you use this nail gun to stick the tree stand Again, I am so proud of you boys and I don't want to lose this feeling.
Why won't you let me help you with that? I really don't want you to.
Why not? Every time you come into contact with me something horrible happens to you.
I can't deal with the guilt any more.
What? Come on, if it weren't for us, you'd have teeth and you wouldn't flinch when you saw a ceiling fan.
Coincidences.
You broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.
Please, Lois, it's Christmas.
Here.
Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.
Thanks.
Owwww! Ooh! (SQUIRREL CHATTERS) Agh! (SOBS) I wish I could say I was surprised.
OK, you're all set.
Mister, is this tree dead? Of course not.
We made sure we cut in a fresh wound so it could suck up water.
Your tree is suspended in a nether world between life and death, just waiting for you to open your presents.
How many trees have we sold? We're not anywhere close to tree 67.
I don't get it! Good location.
Great-looking trees.
How much are your trees? $6.
00 per foot.
Ah.
What? St Mark's Church, around the corner, marked their trees down to $5 a foot but they've got really long lines.
Can you believe they undersold us? We don't offer Mass at half price! Why don't we lower our prices? $4.
50 per foot.
Then we average $31 per tree and we still net $3,457.
We'll be profitable by Hang on.
.
.
tree 91.
Tree 91? Tree 91.
Sir! Right this way.
We've got a really nice It's customary to tie the tree to the roof.
It's customary to tip.
Alright! That was tree 79.
We're very close.
Boys, I love all of you.
But this kid (CHUCKLES) It's just a tiny bite.
He's gonna be OK? Absolutely.
He'll need get rabies shots.
Shots? Five injections in the belly.
I had them when I was bitten by a skunk a few years ago.
When they shoved that 4-inch needle into my stomach, I felt like I'd been shot.
When they pulled the last one out, I was on the floor clutching a chair leg and crying like a baby! The Navy Seals trained me to deal with pain but .
.
nothing like that.
Bring the squirrel to animal control.
If it doesn't have rabies, you avoid the shots.
No, I'll take the shots otherwise Lois can't prove her point! Craig, listen to me.
I am making you this vow.
I am going to take that squirrel to animal control and prove it doesn't have rabies.
You are not going to have to suffer again for knowing me.
Understand? You're on my foot.
Oh, sorry.
Ahhhh! (SHOUTS ANGRILY IN GERMAN) (SHOUTS ANGRILY IN GERMAN) They're still at it? Fascinating.
I've had the same argument with my mom.
She's gonna say, "Don't take that tone.
" Then he'll start screaming.
(SPEAKS GERMAN) (YELLS IN GERMAN) Now the father figure tries to make peace.
(SPEAKS GERMAN) And gets his head chopped off.
(YELLS IN GERMAN) This is a good one - jumping in to an argument to settle an old score.
(YELLS IN GERMAN) (ALL YELL AT ONCE) They're like a primitive version of my family.
Take one step to your left.
Why? Spooky.
OK, you're getting $7.
00 change, right? One and two and five.
I hide the big bills where no-one's gonna go after 'em! I'll help you.
OK, that is tree 89, boys.
We are so close I can taste it! Ooh! Are you the guys trying to muscle in on the blessed church? What did you say? We're from St Mark's.
You're underselling us and we don't like it so it's gonna stop.
We want you to close down your lot and leave now.
During this holy season, it's best to give our saviour what he wants.
You're dealing with Godless heathens.
Take your ghost story elsewhere.
We'll give you 20 minutes.
Then we take matters into our own hands.
(NECK BONES CRACK) What's that supposed to mean? Don't worry, Dad.
What are priests gonna do? Get in the car and lock the doors! No change, mister? Hey, mister! Does this look infected to you? Excuse me, this is my tree.
I already marked it, if you know what I mean.
W-Wait! What the hell do you think you're doing? Father McCluskey sends his regards.
What? He dropped by the soup kitchen and he suggested we come down and share the magic.
Cute kid! Do you want some home-made candy? Dad, everyone's leaving.
Whatever they're giving, we'll double it.
You can double eternal salvation? Yes, I can.
You're funny.
(GASPS) Do you sell Christmas trees? I used to sell Christmas trees.
New Head & Shoulders Colour Care loves colour Its dual moisturising formula works on your scalp and your hair Helps enhance your colour's vibrancy while keeping white flakes at bay # Good Morning.
Any luck? No-one's gonna let us set up our trees.
You'd thing a cemetery would be up for anything that lightened the mood.
Why don't we just sell the trees out the truck? We have to factor in the price of gas.
Six miles per gallon with Give the genius thing a rest for a while.
(SIGHS) We were so close.
89 trees! Just two trees away from being profitable.
The story of my life! No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, .
.
I'm always two trees away.
We should sell them out of our yard.
Reese, this is serious.
Please Oh, my God! That wasn't stupid.
Reese, your love for your father has focused your mind like a laser! (LAUGHS) Give him the hat.
People, there is a squirrel somewhere in the store.
He's agile, elusive and possibly rabidy but we will catch him.
We have to.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
It's been too quiet for too long.
He's planning something.
Yes, well, I've brought in reinforcements.
Thanks for helping.
No problem.
Our last job finished early so we had some time on our hands.
Alright, then, let's do this thing.
(GENTLE HUMMING) # Come they told me # Pa rum pum pum pum # A newborn king to see # Pa rum pum pum pum # Our finest gifts we bring # Pa rum pum pum pum (BANGING / CLATTERING) You people are so great.
I'm sorry I ate all of your lunches.
(CLATTERING) (WHIRRING / BANGING) You're out there.
I know you're out there.
(RATTLING) (CRUNCH!) (SQUIRREL CHATTERS) (GASPS) AghhhHHHHHHH! He's heading for the register! I got him! Come on! Don't let it get away! He's over there.
Wait! He's headed for the front door.
Watch out, he's got murder in his eyes and a cute fluffy tail! Checkmate, chipmunk! And three makes ten.
Feliz Navidad.
(CHUCKLES) At $3.
50 per foot, the profit tree is? Say it with me, boys.
(ALL) 112 is the profit tree.
Oh.
Hal.
Oh, hey, Phil, merry Christmas.
You don't have a permit to do this.
Get these trees off your yard.
Phil, please Look, I know this seems a little unusual but I'm in, kind of, a jam.
I was laid off and I'm out of money.
Come on, it's Christmas! I don't care.
I hate you and I always have.
Look, Phil, take a tree on the house.
Here.
You're giving me this? I'll even flock it if you want.
No, no, that's OK.
So, we have an understanding here? Yeah, we have an understanding You have to get these trees out of here.
You don't have a permit.
And he has too many garbage cans.
That's a fineable offence.
I bribed him! You can't have a business without a permit.
Officer, we've just got to sell one more tree to break even.
That's all I'm asking.
Just let me sell one tree.
Have you got a tree? Coming through.
You! I was never at that dog show.
And where would I get a spear gun? This is your son? It depends on what you mean by son.
You've got half an hour to get every one of these trees out of your yard.
But we lost our truck.
That's not my problem.
You get them out or you'll be spending Christmas in a jail cell.
(ALL YELL) I can't take this, the yelling! It's making me feel so homesick.
Me, too.
Ooh! Mom used to grab Dad's throat like that.
I disown all of you, all of you! I never thought I would feel ashamed of being German.
See, huh? They're all gone.
Are you happy now? Just remember I'll be patrolling this block every 15 minutes.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas! I want you to buy me out.
Oh, Dewey, this is just a temporary setback.
If you believe that, buy me out.
It's over, Dad.
Over? We're only one tree away! Dad, we can't use the front lawn.
The cops are watching us.
Face it, we've lost! So, you're just gonna let a little reality stop you.
Is that it? Boys, the only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial.
If I was gonna be beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.
You've just got to hold out for a miracle.
If a miracle isn't gonna come at Christmas, then, when? (DOORBELL RINGS) See! There it is! Our Christmas miracle.
I knew it! Hi.
My kid found this cat.
Is it yours? Would you like to buy a Christmas tree? No.
You've got to help me.
I just convinced my boys that life was worth living.
If you walk away, then, their futures aren't worth a damn! I desperately need to teach them the value of perseverance.
I don't think I - I'll lick your shoes! Have you actually seen someone do that? That's got to be worth $10.
00.
I'll even - Here, take the money.
(Take it as far as the sidewalk.
) Pleasure doing business with you! See what happens when you believe, boys.
We are profitable.
(ALL) Yeah! I'll get Dewey's hamster cage.
That squirrel is chewing through the box.
Do they really have to kill him? Do you want the shots? Wait for me in heaven.
Oh, my God! 'Honey, is that you?' What is going on here? Good news.
We did it.
We made a profit.
Really? How much? Numbers aren't important.
A profit is a profit! Hey, look, a squirrel.
What? There he goes! Squirrel gone.
Craig, .
.
we will catch him! This time it's ten bucks each and one item from the medicine cabinet.
It's gonna be tricky.
We're on his turf now.
Let's go.
Watch out.
Thanks for spending Christmas with my family.
Next year we'll do mine.
Marriage is all about compromise.
A pigsty? (GLASS SMASHES) Now, it's a pigsty! You're real brave when I don't have my leg on.
They're having all the fun.
Let's do it.
I feel bad for Gretchen and Otto.
I hope I didn't make things worse.
Thank you for taking us in.
It's nice being with a family that gets along.
Boy, you guys really go nuts with Christmas.
It's even Christmas in the bathroom! As Christmases go, this one was good.
Nothing on fire.
No arrests and, hell, we even made a profit.
Cleaner Close, and Pandora's hired a private eye to spy on her husband.
So, where does Eddie disappear to every night? Ohhh Here, test this.
There must be traces of his dirty secret in it somewhere.
Doubt it.
So? He's been using new Daz Liquitabs.
They get out dirt.
Even hidden dirt.
What are you up to, Eddie? Fancy a tumble? Eddie?! Pandora! Will more hidden dirt come out? Find out with new Daz Liquitabs.
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