Man Like Mobeen (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

This programme contains
some strong language
Nah, I can't do it.
That's going to hurt.
Here we go.
MOBEEN! Oi!
What are you doing home from school
so early?
If you bothered to check your phone,
you'd know.
What are you chatting on about, sis?
I ain't had no calls
or text messages
Oh, I'm sorry, Aks.
I had my phone on silent.
I've been suspended.
What for?
These two Year 11 girls were
bullying a Year 8 girl,
and I weren't having it.
OK, and what did you do?
I knocked one out, and the other one
went and grassed me up.
My Aren't you angry? No.
Aren't you going to tell me off?
No, I hate bullies.
I'm proud of you, kiddo.
I'll come in and tell your year head
on Monday what I think.
It's the start of my GCSE courses,
I've been suspended for fighting,
and I'm going to miss vital
revision classes,
all because I couldn't control
my temper.
Couldn't control your temper?
I couldn't control my temper!
And you don't think that maybe you
should be
explaining how I might have made
the wrong decision today?
I mean, when you put it like that,
yeah, I can see some negatives.
Whyyou always walking off
on me for, man?
Acting like you're the boss.
I'm the boss of this house.
What did you say? No, no, nothing.
I didn't say nothing to you.
# This speech is my recital
I think it's very vital
# To rock
A rhyme
# That's right
On time
# It's Tricky is the title,
here we go
# It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to
rock a rhyme that's right on time
# It's tricky
# It's Tricky
Tricky
# Tricky
Tricky
# It's tricky to rock a rhyme
# To rock a rhyme
that's right on time
# It's tricky #
Hey, freeze
..before I shoot you
in the man milks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right.
You know I've got gynecomastia,
it's a medical condition.
What's wrong with you?
All right, calm down.
No need to get your man boobs
all in a twist.
I've got to go, I've got to go.
Hey, hey, come here, come here.
Relax. I'm just telling your uncle
what a good boy you are.
Hey, you remember when you helped
my Ibrahim out with his maths GCSE?
When I gave him MDMA an hour
before he sat the exam?
And he got an MDM-A star.
How's Aksa? Well, listen, man,
at the moment, hard work.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong,
man, but it's just not working.
Maybe she needs her mum,
I don't know, man.
And you can't help,
even with your ample bosom?
Listen, young man, you need to take
a leaf out of my Ibrahim's book.
He added a female perspective to
his life and got married.
Hey, arranged by the family.
Best thing he ever did.
Listen, Uncle Habib, yeah,
with all due respect,
yeah, I ain't taking your advice
on women.
You're still banned from
the swimming pool.
That case is still pending.
You can't be a mother to her.
Not even with those breasticles.
Listen - one more joke
and I'm going to send you a picture
of these on WhatsApp later.
I won't send it to you.
But I'll send it to you!
Oi, listen, calm down.
You used to be a bad man round
these parts.
You've turned things around.
Well, yeah. Bad man?
Bloody scum. Oh, come on.
He's turned things around.
Responsibility, the focus, the dean.
Anyone would be proud to call you
their son-in-law.
Hold on a minute.
I'm not into all that arranged
marriage thing, though.
I mean, I'm touched and that, that
you two want me to consider your
daughters. I'll consider it.
Yeah, I'll consider it, innit?
Our daughters? You're bloody joking.
I'd rather she did
a suicide bombing.
I will put the vest on her myself.
Fucking hell!
Don't worry,
if you change your mind I'm sure
there's someone we can find for you.
Hey, the world is full
of middle-aged divorcees.
Bloody scum.
That's not very nice, is it?
What do I want here?
# Mama, can I huh, mama,
can I huh, huh can I mama,
# Won't you please let me,
mama, can I, huh
Hey, handsome!
Oh, looking at you, you know.
Good to see you, bro, you all right?
Are you all right, yeah?
# That's the sweetest little dress
# Sally,
where'd you get the pattern?
# Made me one just like it
out of yellow dotted swiss
# Yes, I guess we got
the earliest garden in the county
# Beneath the strawberries are
a heap of snappin' green beans
What?
# Mama make Willie quit pulling at
my hair!
# Mama, ouch! Ouch! Mama, just make
Willie quit it!
# Tommy, if ya don't put down
that stick
# I'm gonna wear you out with it,
boy, be quick
# Come quick, Sammy Jean stuck
her finger in a Coke bottle
# Can't get it out
cos it's stuck, stuck, stuck
# Now I told you my mama didn't
raise no fool
# I can do anything if I got
the right tools
# Mama can I huh,
mama can I huh, huh #
What the hell is this?!
Aksa?!
I need to talk to you.
I don't know how to say this, but
Is it your breath? No, it isn't.
When I was your age
You had no friends.
No, listen to what I'm saying.
Loads of spots.
No, you've got to listen.
At least these spots stop people
noticing your breath.
Boys! Yeah? Sorry.
Boys, yeah?
What do you think of boys there?
I think they are human beings.
But, no, w-w-what I mean to
say is, like, you know, like,
at your age, boys and that
comes to you like,
"Yeah, can I have your Snapchat
and that?"
Yeah? Yeah.
Well then, stab him. Or tell me
and I'll stab him for you.
It's stressing me out, this.
I can't believe you, Mobeen.
All boys are just weirdos.
Don't talk to them, please.
Oh, my days.
You think I mess around with boys
and that?
I swear all men are
stupid, thick idiots.
Yeah, but not me cos, like,
I'm not a stupid thick idiot
and I'm your mate.
I wish I had a mum here sometimes
and not just a brother.
No, but that's not fair, like.
We've discussed this.
I can be a mother figure to you.
Yeah, you can be
a real motherfigger sometimes.
Oi, oi, oi, that's rude.
Oi. You scared me, bro.
Give us a cuddle, man.
Oh, man, how are you doing?
I'm all right, bro.
Are you all right, yeah?
Mate, that's one too many.
Just three, just three.
All right. Yeah?
I think it's three, I don't even
know where that comes from.
Where's Nate?
He's not here.
Thank you, Shitlock Holmes.
Shall we just go?
No, he said he's going
to meet us here.
You know what he's like.
If we leave, he'll freak out.
Just stay here.
Put your arms out.
Up like that. Like yoga, that's it.
"I'm Mobeen!"
Ah!
Do you know what sexting is?
Yeah. What?
It's when It's when
Um Huh
It's shapes, isn't it?
When you have a six-sided shape.
How tired are you? Very tired.
Let's just go! Wait, man.
Go faster, go faster, go faster.
Go faster! Careful!
Come on, come on.
No, no, no. Are you all right now?
Yeah. Look, if you concentrate on
one spot, you won't feel dizzy.
You've got three spots.
Are you OK?
I've been worried sick, man.
I was waiting for you two
outside a mosque.
No, you haven't, cos we're
outside the mosque now, look.
What mosque were you at? The one
where all the Muslims come out of.
Muslims come out of every mosque,
Nate.
But there's, like,
64 mosques in ends.
Why can't you all just pray
at the same one?
How can we all pray in
the same mosque?
I haven't got an answer. That's
really profound, that is.
Cheers, mate. Yeah? Are you not
going to shout at him?
You're shouting at him.
Why is he so late?
Books? Have you?
If that was me,
you'd have shouted at me.
Well I'm going to pick stuff up
in the supermarket, I don't care.
He don't learn. Every single
Since we were kids. He's like
a bloody grocery pervert.
Do we need this?
Do YOU need sanitary towels?
I don't know what that is.
Brother, put it back, then!
Why are you always touching things?
All the time, touching, touching,
touching. Have you got your list?
Yeah, Aky gave it me. Good, just
stick to the things on there, yeah?
All right. Even the little cheeses
in Asda, yeah,
you get to try them
before you buy them,
and that's just cheese, innit?
I'm proper allergic to cheese.
I don't want you to do anything
you're going to regret,
and you said arranged
marriage wasn't your thing.
Domino's stuffed crust gives me
haemorrhoids, actually, I think.
OK, look, man, I know what I said,
but you know as well as me
that sooner rather than later,
Aksa's going to need that strong
female role model in her life.
Yeah, but arranged marriage?
Look, I know I'm not a Muslim, yeah,
but is marrying your cousin
really the right answer?
I would never marry
my cousin, innit?
He proper loves cheese.
Yeah, look, I think you're getting
your arranged marriages
and you're forced marriages
mixed up, blood.
You don't have to marry your cousin.
You sure? Of course, man.
Listen, nowadays, arranged marriage
goes down so you know
your daughter ain't falling in love
with her old man.
Shotting off his ten bags of weed
with his zero-hour contract
at Sports Direct.
It's like a vetting process,
I suppose.
I probably wouldn't marry
a vet as well, actually.
Look, at the end of the day, if
you don't like them,
you don't marry them and that.
But you do still get to go to their
house, eat bear free munch and
Oi, listen. What?
..see some PENG milfs!
You understand what I'm saying?
Bruv, I mean, like,
these aunties are outshining
their daughters for junk.
That's true. I heard that, actually.
Like, for example, I would proper
marry your mum, innit?
Cos you both know what the craic
is from the start, yeah?
You don't have to sit there
scrolling through each others'
selfies and pretending you like
the violin just to impress them.
Look, man,
I know I said I'd never do it,
but I can't rule out
arranged marriage right now, boys.
I think arranged marriages
are proper bullshit.
Still no girls will see you, innit?
None!
Look at me, I'm a geezer in his late
20s living with his little sister
earning 17 grand a year after tax.
The girls ain't brawlin'
over your boy any more.
Actually, there is another way.
Go on. What if me and Nate, yeah,
we move in with you,
and the three of us,
we look after Little Aks.
It's been done before. I seen it.
How many times, yeah?
Three Men And A Baby was
a film, not a documentary, bruv.
Then how come it's
on Channel 4, then?
Social services would have
been all over Ted Danson.
And actually, boys, even though
we loved it when we were kids,
I've re-watched it a couple
of weeks agoit was shit!
How dare you. No. But The Goonies is
still the greatest of all time.
You understand what I'm saying
when I say what I say, innit?
Wicked. I love that film.
Remember when that fat one does
like, that truffle shuffle truffle.
I loved that one,
cos he's all like
No, no, no, but he didn't do that,
though, did he?
He didn't do that. Come on.
Shall I get this? Is it on the list?
No. Well, put it back, then.
Look. Dinosaur shapes.
Do you want them? Yeah.
Anything else you want? No.
Don't sound so surprised.
You've got a lot to offer.
Look at you,
you are highly domesticated.
Are you going to wash your hands?!
No. Overrated.
You're like a little Mary Poppins
..who used to sell
the hard-core cannabis.
Who is spreading these rumours?
I never sold no drugs, all right?
But I feel very honoured that
your daughter
might consider me for marriage,
so I'll think about it, yeah?
No chance.
Why do you keep asking that?
Why would I subject my beautiful
daughter
to such a shit life,
stuck with you? Huh?
Aww. You're such a nice person,
Uncle Habib.
Imagine if you were
a complete dickhead.
In other news, you're going to meet
a very nice girl
and her father about
getting married. What?!
Huh? When? Tonight.
Can you discuss these things with me
before you start arranging stuff?
Calm down, you just go there
and be yourself.
Well, not your actual self,
be someone better, you know?
Much better. Who's the girl?
You know Brother Ahmed?
Always prays on the front row?
You know, really boring,
never smiles, rarely speaks?
No. But he sounds like
a right giggle!
It's his daughter. No, Uncle Habs.
It still feels weird.
Just go there and try it.
This process isn't magic, bastard.
You go there, see what it's like.
And after meeting,
you'll be aware of what a woman
is looking for in a husband.
And don't you worry,
I'm coming with you.
No, no, no. It's OK.
It's OK. We go together.
We won't go together, it's fine.
I'm a big man now.
It's fine. I am coming with you.
Lovely.
Tastes of washing-up liquid.
You are disgusting.
Yeah, yeah, I'm almost there,
Uncle Habib.
What do you mean you ain't coming?
Well, why is she trying to kill you?
Why didn't you clear your search
history, you dirty, dirty old man?
You make me sick, you do.
Well, I'm here now.
What do you want me to do?
Now, please, please, please,
please don't send him.
He's a weirdo. Who's a weirdo?
What do I do with him, man?
All right, Uncle Shady?
Any last-minute advice
and that, or?
Yeah, don't be a bastard.
Keep this off, yeah?
Assalamualaikum, Brother Ahmed,
you all right?
Welcome.
Come on inside.
Take your shoes off, please.
OK.
It smells lovely in here,
Brother Ahmed.
It smells shit.
What?
So
..it was a shame for Habib.
Apparently his wife witnessed
the whole thing.
Yeah, bless her, she saw him go over
on his ankle and he broke it.
Yeah, so Ankle?
She caught him watching
the pornography.
What?
Your house, yeah, it's beautiful.
Thank you for inviting us
here today.
Thank you. And your carpet
is very, very white.
Almost racist-ly white.
Anyway, enough of the small talk,
did you see the picture of Khadijah?
What did you think?
Yeah, I did, Brother Ahmed,
she'sshe's very pretty.
She's She's beautiful.
He told Habib she's high quality
brown poom-poom. Oh!
What's brown poom-poom?
I'm sorry?
A musical instrument and that.
Assalamualaikum, uncle.
So, it'sum, Mobeen.
Mobeen
..Dean. Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Sorry, we've had a couple of Mobeens
come through the process before
and they were both very thick.
Are all Mobeens thick? Yes!
You all right, Khadijah?
Thumbs up, no-one's used that
as a greeting since '98.
No need for this to be awkward.
Let's start off nice and light,
shall we?
Yeah. Yeah, keep it easy.
Let's do it.
What do you think of women?
Sorry? Women. What do you think?
Well, I think women are amazing.
Like, phenomenal.
Just powerful and strong
and that, and
..if I weren't a man
..I'd be a woman.
He has the tits for it.
Come on. He does have
He does have tits.
Make a note of that.
You don't mind if we film this,
do you?
It's for our relatives back home
in Pakistan, obviously.
Obviously. I couldn't give a shit.
So, we understand that your parental
situation is complicated.
Can you share a bit about that
with us, please?
Yeah.
Well, my mum and dad, they got
divorced when I was quite young
and I haven't seen my old man
for the last 20 years. But my mum,
she was amazing, man.
She did everything for us.
It's just, she got remarried when
I was a teenager, you see, and
It's a very boring story.
The start of a tough time, he was
arrogant and abusive, and
I would have knocked him spark out.
I did. Several times. That's when he
went back to Pakistan.
So you think violence is the way to
resolve things? No, I didn't
So you have a criminal record?
I don't have a criminal record.
Allah is watching.
I do have a criminal record.
What were you in jail for
specifically?
He killed people.
I never! I never killed
I don't know
what he's talking about.
He gave drugs to children.
Yeah, but he was 16.
I was 16. We were all 16.
We were all 16. It was for GCSEs.
Oh, so that's fine, then?
I don't think it's all right.
Selling drugs, criminal record,
punched his stepdad?
You, Mobeen Dean, are scum
of the bloody Earth.
You, Mr Ahmed, you are
the biggest arsehole.
I beg your pardon.
Nobody speaks to Mobeen like
this except me.
Thanks, but I'd prefer if you didn't
speak to me like that as well.
I've had enough of you two.
Get out of my house now.
Not until you apologise to him.
Are you mad? This is my house.
I'm not apologising to anyone.
Yes, you are.
What are you going to do about it?
Yeah, walk away. What?
Oi, oi, oi, oi.
Apologise. No. Get off!
You are going to lick
and clean yourself.
No.
Khadijah, you got any more questions
in that book of yours?
How do you feel about having
bigger breasts than your wife?
Oh, you got jokes, yeah?
How do you feel about your dad being
a brown version of Karl Pilkington?
You know, maybe me and you at some
Costa coffee shop somewhere else,
this might have been different. No.
Say sorry to me. Sorry.
Are you kidding me?
I can't believe that.
I know. She fully wanted to marry me
next week, you know.
11:30, she showed me her dress.
I was going to go to karaoke
with Brother Ahmed.
So, what did you say?
I said no. No.
Can I marry you, then?
I want to go to karaoke.
I mean, all things considered
and that,
I was stressed out, but I think
we're all right, innit?
What you lot gossing about?
Mobeen nearly got married.
What? What is wrong with you?
No, look, listen. I didn't think I
was doing a good enough job for you
so I tried to get you a mum,
but then I couldn't find you a mum.
You don't need a mum,
you've got a lovely brother.
I don't need a mum, and who's going
to want to marry you anyway?
You look like Shrek.
Cos he's green, innit?
And cos he looks like Shrek.
He does a little bit. I don't know
what you are laughing for.
If he gets married, there'll be
someone else on that sofa
and this will be gone.
It'll all be gone!
Good girl. In your faces.
It'll all be gone if I get married -
and I will get married.
Let go, baby girl.
No, you can't come in today.
We need to make sure
he never, ever get married.
Don't mind me looking like Shrek.
Looking like Shrek.
You look like Shrek.
# For once in my life
I have someone who needs me
# Someone I've needed so long
# For once unafraid
I can go where life leads me
# Somehow I know I'll be strong
# For once I can touch, what my
heart used to dream of
# Long before I knew #