Man Like Mobeen (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Upper Room
Where's he gone, man? Eight?
What if he's fallen in the canal?
Well, if he has, then he's dead.
The app don't even work.
Your app don't work.
Have you lot seen Eight?
It's a bit further down here.
Nah, he's lost again.
PHONE: Turn left.
No, it's this way.
The app is on, but we still
can't find him. Turn left.
In five metres, turn left.
Eight!
I thought you said you loved nature.
I do love nature.
When it's on television and
David Attenborough's presenting.
I hate nature in real life.
It smells like shit around here.
Plants andplants and that.
It's so long.
I think I swallowed a mosquito.
Yeah? You all right?
Yeah. Where is he, man?
He's got to be here somewhere.
Turn left. Well he's not
going to be far, is he?
He never leaves Small Heath, cos
BOTH: I can only poo
in my own house.
You have reached your destination.
He's an odd fellow. That's what
Miss Peters used to say at school.
"You're an odd fellow, Arslan."
You don't want to go in there.
Don't!
Where have you been? You know him?
Yes, we know him. He belongs to us,
yeah. This is our shed!
This? You bring it from home,
did you?
He kicked us out. Life's full
of disappointments, innit?
Yeah. Well, move on, then. Move.
What's McFly staring at, there?
What are you going to do,
burn a man with your hair
straighteners? Go away.
What are you doing in here,
Bear Grylls?
You're not drinking your own
piss again, are you?
My grandad's dying. What?!
From cancer.
Oh, that's so sad, man.
Gutted for you.
Do you know what stage it is?
Yeah? Seven.
I think there's only four stages,
mate.
Yeah, mate.
It's cancer, not Tetris.
You've gone about three
extra stages
..stages, there.
Oh, stage seven, oh, shit.
Yeah. Stage seven.
That's sad, man.
Wait, wait.
Please tell me it's your grandad
in Pakistan and not Dadha Hussein.
It's Dadha Hussein.
Oh, man, he was the best one.
Nobody would have cared if it
was your grandad in Pakistan, he
Remember when he used to throw
bricks at our shins in
the summer holidays?
Proper hurting.
Yeah. He used to play a lot
of cricket, innit, so
he's got a good aim.
Remember what he used to call me?
BOTH: Africa!
That's fully racist, innit?
Can't call someone a whole continent
cos of their skin colour, innit
Proper knobhead,
your Pakistan grandad.
Proper wish he had cancer.
Instead of Dadha Hussein, like,
if there was a choice in
who the cancer fairy visited.
Cancer fairy, yeah? Hm?
I'm sorry. Well, it is Dadha
Hussein, the grandad that I love.
And he's not going to be
with us in four weeks.
Listen, hey. Hey.
Don't cry, man.
Anyway, he
..he said he wants to see you two,
innit, cos he needs some help
with summat, so come round
the house later.
It's not helping him wash, is it?
Cos I'm not comfortable with that.
No, it's not helping him wash.
Actually, it might be that, I
don't know, but just come, innit?
Also, yeah, I just want
to put this out there,
I'm not doing a euthanasia on
him, man.
I don't want to do a euthanasia
on anybody.
Strictly speaking, shouldn't
it be called euthanasian?
I was just trying to
lighten the mood.
Euthanasian?
Did it work the first time? Sorry.
EIGHT SNIFFS
DOOR CREAKS
THEY WHISPER
Ah! Ah! Bloody hell.
Look at you.
Here you are, my good boy.
Yeah, Dadha, I'm here.
Not you.
I was talking to Mobeen.
Oh, right, yeah.
You know,
you've always been the grandson
I never had.
How are you, Dadha, are you OK?
I have been better, but
..this life is very brief, you know.
Yeah.
And it's a test from Allah.
I'm not worried any more.
You're so brave, really.
No.
I'm shitting my chuddies.
Nobody wants to be bloody dying.
Come closer,
I want to tell you a story.
When I was 17 and living
in Pakistan, me and my mother,
we would have this
conversation every day.
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
I don't want to get married.
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
OK, Dada, that's enough of that.
You didn't want to get married,
it's all right.
Wait, but Did you get
married, then, Dadha?
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
So then I got married.
So you got married just to
shut your mum up?
No, but he married my daadi and
they lived happily ever after.
You proper hated his daadi, innit?
It's like you lot hate
the Conservatives.
That's deep.
I was trapped,
but then I got a chance
to come to the United Kingdoms
and to escape from the mental
prison that I was in.
Najia didn't get a visa.
It was the 1970s.
I knew immediately this was
a place of opportunity.
A place of opportunity
where skinheads would put
dog shit through your letterbox.
Make Britain great again, eh?
Good times, they were. Good times.
So I opened the first video shop
in the neighbourhood.
I made a fortune.
You were like the Small Heath
Steve Jobs, weren't you?
He got cancer as well,
so that's like, another thing
you got in common.
SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
The shop got so busy that
people would come and say to me,
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
You didn't need help in the shop.
No, but then, did you get
help in the shop, then?
HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE
So then I got an assistant, and,
to cut a long story short
Please do.
..we fell in love.
And we got married and we have
been man and wife ever since.
What?
So, you got with two wives?
OG, triple OG, getting it in,
Dadha! Ta, ta!
Wild!
Then, things got complicated
when Najia came over here.
Yeah. It was very, very hard.
Mm!
Sorry.
Hard, though, innit?
I could have done things better,
but I'm dying, now.
I need your help, Mobeen.
Najia won't let me see my Jamila.
What? Najia has gone too far.
She's locked all the doors
and she's started scaring me.
I love my daadi,
she would never do that.
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
You know, the other day,
I tried to get out of bed.
And she said, "You can't get
out of the bed!"
"I want to get out of bed."
"You can't get out of the bed!"
"I want to get out of the bed."
"You can't get out of the bed."
"I want to get out of the bed."
She attacked me with a stick.
And then she threatened to
cut off my cucumber.
THEY GASP
THUMP FROM DOWNSTAIRS
That's her down there.
She's nailing the window shut with
the same hammer
that she'll come and kill us
all with in a minute.
I think you're getting carried away.
HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE
If the cancer doesn't kill me,
the crazy madwoman with
the stick will kill me.
I need to see my Jamila
at the video shop.
Please promise me you'll help me.
Mobeen, promise me
you'll help me!
HE SOBS
Help.
OK, shall we go?
Shh.
DISCORDANT VIOLIN STRINGS
Oh!
PHONE RINGS
That's her. That's the psycho.
Daadi? Have you been mis-sold a PPI?
Oh, it's you, man.
Yeah, how's it going?
Shh! How did that door slam?
I had to open a window, it smelled
like someone was dying in there.
Sorry.
GLASS BREAKS
What's the worst that could happen
if Daadi catches us, anyways?
She'll chop your cucumbers off.
I need my cucumber!
Why does everyone keep talking
about salad?
Be careful! She'll chop it
to a nub if she catches you.
Bloody hell. It's OK, lads.
I think she's gone out.
Come on.
Oh, God, no! Come on!
Run! Ah! Daadi! Run!
Oh, my gosh!
DOOR SLAMS
MUSIC: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio
# As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death
# I take a look at my life and
realise there's nothin' left
# Cos I've been blastin'
and laughin' so long #
Ah, my little gold mine.
The old business.
So many happy times.
Me and my Jamila.
She was a very naughty girl.
You know, she was very hot
OK, Bigamy Smalls, can
you just get this door open?
It's cold out here.
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
PHONE RINGS
Is that the PPI man again?
Gimme that.
Tell him not to call me any more.
I will.
Yes. We don't need no PPI claims,
thank you very much, yeah.
Why don't you stop calling,
and while you're at it,
gently insert your phone up
your anus. Mobeen.
Sorry, Eight's daadi.
I wasn't talking to you.
Yeah, I know we left with him
this morning and that,
but we haven't seen him since.
I said to him, "Unless
you become the Terminator
"and go back to the future
and rewind that tape,
"you're going to have to pay 50p."
THEY LAUGH
He knows that, though. Yeah,
it does sound a bit like him,
that, yeah.
Look, Daadi, man, he made us promise
that we wouldn't tell you
what's going on.
Marrying Jamila was the happiest
day of my life.
Is he still going on about Jamila?
You know about Jamila?
Of course I know about her.
But she's been gone sometime now.
What do you mean, gone?
She disappeared ten years ago.
So what happened, then?
Nobody was ever really sure.
They went away together
and she never came back.
Oh, shit. Sorry, not shit.
Yesterday, he spent one hour telling
me that he wanted Judge Rinder
to witness the signing of his will.
He's not a well man.
Just leave it with me, yeah?
Sorry, Daadi.
Maybe you just learn some Hindi,
learn to dance around a tree,
butt shakes, move around a bit
and before you know it,
you could a big Bollywood star,
you know.
You all right, boys, yeah?
Yeah. They won't bother you again.
Thanks, man.
You all right? Yeah, I'm
all right, man, I'm all right.
So, Dadha
You've been in touch with Jamila,
yeah?
What?
Yeah, the love of your life.
She on her way?
All in good time, Mobeen.
Where does she live?
Is she local, or what?
So many questions from
my favourite grandson.
I'm your grandson.
Seriously, where is Jamila?
Listen, guys,
I need to tell you a story.
Oh, bloody hell.
Look, I've got to go for
a haircut next Tuesday,
can we get a move on, please?
It's about Jamila.
Go on.
Jamila isgone.
Shedisappeared,
ten years ago.
Why are we here, then?
CREEPY MUSIC
There's something here I need
to deal with.
Something I need to dispose of
before I die.
I've not told anyone about this.
You mustn't judge me.
I told you, man. I told you, man.
He's a Jamila killer. I told you.
I fell down these stairs
when I was six years old.
Proper banged my head.
Yeah. No shit.
In there.
Please remember,
all men make decisions they regret
at some point in their life.
I know this is shocking, but
Porn!
Yes, thank you!
This is nothing to celebrate, guys.
It is when we thought your dead
ex-wife was in there, mate.
Bloody hell.
Misadventures In Megaboob Manor.
Dadha, what is this?
I had no choice.
With two families,
I had to make ends meet.
You were making ends meet all right.
Wait, so you sold this stuff?
Most of the money I made was
from the under the counter titles.
Dadha, you're a pervert.
And I like it.
You know, it was a perfect system.
But if your daadi or someone else
found out,
it would have brought great shame
on our family. Shame, yeah.
So you're saying you never
consumed any of this yourself?
No. Never.
I may have seen Ferris Boner's
Day Off once or twice,
you know, just for the
research purposes. I knew it!
Hold on a minute,
hold on a minute, seriously.
This is all well and good,
but where's Jamila?
CREEPY MUSIC
I killed her.
HE LAUGHS MANICALLY
I'm just kidding, come on.
Ha-ha. It's a funny joke.
Really funny joke, Dadha.
Jamila, she went off
with a younger man.
Our marriage had run its course.
I thought you said
she was the love of your life?
I had to tell you something.
I mean, would you have smuggled
out a dying man from his house
just to dispose of this?
I mean, probably, yeah.
I would have, yeah.
We got time on our hands.
OK, all right.
Does this mean you do love Daadi?
No.
She's not a psycho, but she's
still after her inheritance.
Oh, right.
Have you decided what
you're going to do
with the rest of the inheritance?
Yeah, I do have something in mind.
Yeah? Something that's
quite close my heart.
Yeah?
Netball in ladies' prisons.
Blud, blud!
What's that?
It's a charity that provides netball
equipment for lady prisoners.
Can we just get on with the job
we came here to do
and get rid of this porn?
Nah, nah, real talk, yeah,
this is immoral, misogynistic,
and most importantly,
on a format we can't use
anyway, so, let's dash, innit?
This just seems so wrong.
What, porn, yeah?
No, getting rid of it.
A lot of very professional people
worked hard to bring us
this material.
They work very hard, innit?
Let's just get rid of it, huh?
CREAKING
Did you hear that?
CREAKING CONTINUES
TAPPING
It's nothing, man.
Thought I heard something, but
Argh!
Daadi?
What are you doing with all
this filth?
Yes!
What are you doing with this filth!
What? No
All I wanted to do was come here
one last time,
and you violate my life's work
with this?
My own grandson bringing this
filthy muck into Hussein Videos.
You are not my favourite grandson.
You're not even
my favourite pervert!
THEY SNIGGER
EIGHT SOBS
Oh.
And that's why
Judge Rinder is a genius.
He's all right.
EIGHT SOBS
Dadha, remember what we were
talking about earlier?
Eight took the blame for you.
He got battered for you.
Is there something you'd
like to say to him?
Yeah, there is.
Why don't you stand up for yourself?
What?
Don't worry, he's going
to die soon anyways.
What?
Sorry, just trying to lighten
the mood.
What happened to those boxes,
in the end?
I don't know. Eight dumped
them somewhere.
What is it?
They're broken.
I know what this is.
It's old school porn.
ALL: Yes!
# Oh
# No time to rest
# Just do your best
# Oh
# What you hear is not a test
# We're only here to make you
# We're only here to make you
# We're only here to make you
# We're only here to make you
# Go
# Gotta go, gotta make it in time
# Brightest star gonna be the guide
# Gotta get you to the other side
# To where the butterflies
and where the peach reside. #
What if he's fallen in the canal?
Well, if he has, then he's dead.
The app don't even work.
Your app don't work.
Have you lot seen Eight?
It's a bit further down here.
Nah, he's lost again.
PHONE: Turn left.
No, it's this way.
The app is on, but we still
can't find him. Turn left.
In five metres, turn left.
Eight!
I thought you said you loved nature.
I do love nature.
When it's on television and
David Attenborough's presenting.
I hate nature in real life.
It smells like shit around here.
Plants andplants and that.
It's so long.
I think I swallowed a mosquito.
Yeah? You all right?
Yeah. Where is he, man?
He's got to be here somewhere.
Turn left. Well he's not
going to be far, is he?
He never leaves Small Heath, cos
BOTH: I can only poo
in my own house.
You have reached your destination.
He's an odd fellow. That's what
Miss Peters used to say at school.
"You're an odd fellow, Arslan."
You don't want to go in there.
Don't!
Where have you been? You know him?
Yes, we know him. He belongs to us,
yeah. This is our shed!
This? You bring it from home,
did you?
He kicked us out. Life's full
of disappointments, innit?
Yeah. Well, move on, then. Move.
What's McFly staring at, there?
What are you going to do,
burn a man with your hair
straighteners? Go away.
What are you doing in here,
Bear Grylls?
You're not drinking your own
piss again, are you?
My grandad's dying. What?!
From cancer.
Oh, that's so sad, man.
Gutted for you.
Do you know what stage it is?
Yeah? Seven.
I think there's only four stages,
mate.
Yeah, mate.
It's cancer, not Tetris.
You've gone about three
extra stages
..stages, there.
Oh, stage seven, oh, shit.
Yeah. Stage seven.
That's sad, man.
Wait, wait.
Please tell me it's your grandad
in Pakistan and not Dadha Hussein.
It's Dadha Hussein.
Oh, man, he was the best one.
Nobody would have cared if it
was your grandad in Pakistan, he
Remember when he used to throw
bricks at our shins in
the summer holidays?
Proper hurting.
Yeah. He used to play a lot
of cricket, innit, so
he's got a good aim.
Remember what he used to call me?
BOTH: Africa!
That's fully racist, innit?
Can't call someone a whole continent
cos of their skin colour, innit
Proper knobhead,
your Pakistan grandad.
Proper wish he had cancer.
Instead of Dadha Hussein, like,
if there was a choice in
who the cancer fairy visited.
Cancer fairy, yeah? Hm?
I'm sorry. Well, it is Dadha
Hussein, the grandad that I love.
And he's not going to be
with us in four weeks.
Listen, hey. Hey.
Don't cry, man.
Anyway, he
..he said he wants to see you two,
innit, cos he needs some help
with summat, so come round
the house later.
It's not helping him wash, is it?
Cos I'm not comfortable with that.
No, it's not helping him wash.
Actually, it might be that, I
don't know, but just come, innit?
Also, yeah, I just want
to put this out there,
I'm not doing a euthanasia on
him, man.
I don't want to do a euthanasia
on anybody.
Strictly speaking, shouldn't
it be called euthanasian?
I was just trying to
lighten the mood.
Euthanasian?
Did it work the first time? Sorry.
EIGHT SNIFFS
DOOR CREAKS
THEY WHISPER
Ah! Ah! Bloody hell.
Look at you.
Here you are, my good boy.
Yeah, Dadha, I'm here.
Not you.
I was talking to Mobeen.
Oh, right, yeah.
You know,
you've always been the grandson
I never had.
How are you, Dadha, are you OK?
I have been better, but
..this life is very brief, you know.
Yeah.
And it's a test from Allah.
I'm not worried any more.
You're so brave, really.
No.
I'm shitting my chuddies.
Nobody wants to be bloody dying.
Come closer,
I want to tell you a story.
When I was 17 and living
in Pakistan, me and my mother,
we would have this
conversation every day.
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
I don't want to get married.
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
"You need to get married."
"I don't want to get married."
OK, Dada, that's enough of that.
You didn't want to get married,
it's all right.
Wait, but Did you get
married, then, Dadha?
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
So then I got married.
So you got married just to
shut your mum up?
No, but he married my daadi and
they lived happily ever after.
You proper hated his daadi, innit?
It's like you lot hate
the Conservatives.
That's deep.
I was trapped,
but then I got a chance
to come to the United Kingdoms
and to escape from the mental
prison that I was in.
Najia didn't get a visa.
It was the 1970s.
I knew immediately this was
a place of opportunity.
A place of opportunity
where skinheads would put
dog shit through your letterbox.
Make Britain great again, eh?
Good times, they were. Good times.
So I opened the first video shop
in the neighbourhood.
I made a fortune.
You were like the Small Heath
Steve Jobs, weren't you?
He got cancer as well,
so that's like, another thing
you got in common.
SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
The shop got so busy that
people would come and say to me,
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
"You need help in the shop."
"I don't need help in the shop."
You didn't need help in the shop.
No, but then, did you get
help in the shop, then?
HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE
So then I got an assistant, and,
to cut a long story short
Please do.
..we fell in love.
And we got married and we have
been man and wife ever since.
What?
So, you got with two wives?
OG, triple OG, getting it in,
Dadha! Ta, ta!
Wild!
Then, things got complicated
when Najia came over here.
Yeah. It was very, very hard.
Mm!
Sorry.
Hard, though, innit?
I could have done things better,
but I'm dying, now.
I need your help, Mobeen.
Najia won't let me see my Jamila.
What? Najia has gone too far.
She's locked all the doors
and she's started scaring me.
I love my daadi,
she would never do that.
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
You know, the other day,
I tried to get out of bed.
And she said, "You can't get
out of the bed!"
"I want to get out of bed."
"You can't get out of the bed!"
"I want to get out of the bed."
"You can't get out of the bed."
"I want to get out of the bed."
She attacked me with a stick.
And then she threatened to
cut off my cucumber.
THEY GASP
THUMP FROM DOWNSTAIRS
That's her down there.
She's nailing the window shut with
the same hammer
that she'll come and kill us
all with in a minute.
I think you're getting carried away.
HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE
If the cancer doesn't kill me,
the crazy madwoman with
the stick will kill me.
I need to see my Jamila
at the video shop.
Please promise me you'll help me.
Mobeen, promise me
you'll help me!
HE SOBS
Help.
OK, shall we go?
Shh.
DISCORDANT VIOLIN STRINGS
Oh!
PHONE RINGS
That's her. That's the psycho.
Daadi? Have you been mis-sold a PPI?
Oh, it's you, man.
Yeah, how's it going?
Shh! How did that door slam?
I had to open a window, it smelled
like someone was dying in there.
Sorry.
GLASS BREAKS
What's the worst that could happen
if Daadi catches us, anyways?
She'll chop your cucumbers off.
I need my cucumber!
Why does everyone keep talking
about salad?
Be careful! She'll chop it
to a nub if she catches you.
Bloody hell. It's OK, lads.
I think she's gone out.
Come on.
Oh, God, no! Come on!
Run! Ah! Daadi! Run!
Oh, my gosh!
DOOR SLAMS
MUSIC: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio
# As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death
# I take a look at my life and
realise there's nothin' left
# Cos I've been blastin'
and laughin' so long #
Ah, my little gold mine.
The old business.
So many happy times.
Me and my Jamila.
She was a very naughty girl.
You know, she was very hot
OK, Bigamy Smalls, can
you just get this door open?
It's cold out here.
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
PHONE RINGS
Is that the PPI man again?
Gimme that.
Tell him not to call me any more.
I will.
Yes. We don't need no PPI claims,
thank you very much, yeah.
Why don't you stop calling,
and while you're at it,
gently insert your phone up
your anus. Mobeen.
Sorry, Eight's daadi.
I wasn't talking to you.
Yeah, I know we left with him
this morning and that,
but we haven't seen him since.
I said to him, "Unless
you become the Terminator
"and go back to the future
and rewind that tape,
"you're going to have to pay 50p."
THEY LAUGH
He knows that, though. Yeah,
it does sound a bit like him,
that, yeah.
Look, Daadi, man, he made us promise
that we wouldn't tell you
what's going on.
Marrying Jamila was the happiest
day of my life.
Is he still going on about Jamila?
You know about Jamila?
Of course I know about her.
But she's been gone sometime now.
What do you mean, gone?
She disappeared ten years ago.
So what happened, then?
Nobody was ever really sure.
They went away together
and she never came back.
Oh, shit. Sorry, not shit.
Yesterday, he spent one hour telling
me that he wanted Judge Rinder
to witness the signing of his will.
He's not a well man.
Just leave it with me, yeah?
Sorry, Daadi.
Maybe you just learn some Hindi,
learn to dance around a tree,
butt shakes, move around a bit
and before you know it,
you could a big Bollywood star,
you know.
You all right, boys, yeah?
Yeah. They won't bother you again.
Thanks, man.
You all right? Yeah, I'm
all right, man, I'm all right.
So, Dadha
You've been in touch with Jamila,
yeah?
What?
Yeah, the love of your life.
She on her way?
All in good time, Mobeen.
Where does she live?
Is she local, or what?
So many questions from
my favourite grandson.
I'm your grandson.
Seriously, where is Jamila?
Listen, guys,
I need to tell you a story.
Oh, bloody hell.
Look, I've got to go for
a haircut next Tuesday,
can we get a move on, please?
It's about Jamila.
Go on.
Jamila isgone.
Shedisappeared,
ten years ago.
Why are we here, then?
CREEPY MUSIC
There's something here I need
to deal with.
Something I need to dispose of
before I die.
I've not told anyone about this.
You mustn't judge me.
I told you, man. I told you, man.
He's a Jamila killer. I told you.
I fell down these stairs
when I was six years old.
Proper banged my head.
Yeah. No shit.
In there.
Please remember,
all men make decisions they regret
at some point in their life.
I know this is shocking, but
Porn!
Yes, thank you!
This is nothing to celebrate, guys.
It is when we thought your dead
ex-wife was in there, mate.
Bloody hell.
Misadventures In Megaboob Manor.
Dadha, what is this?
I had no choice.
With two families,
I had to make ends meet.
You were making ends meet all right.
Wait, so you sold this stuff?
Most of the money I made was
from the under the counter titles.
Dadha, you're a pervert.
And I like it.
You know, it was a perfect system.
But if your daadi or someone else
found out,
it would have brought great shame
on our family. Shame, yeah.
So you're saying you never
consumed any of this yourself?
No. Never.
I may have seen Ferris Boner's
Day Off once or twice,
you know, just for the
research purposes. I knew it!
Hold on a minute,
hold on a minute, seriously.
This is all well and good,
but where's Jamila?
CREEPY MUSIC
I killed her.
HE LAUGHS MANICALLY
I'm just kidding, come on.
Ha-ha. It's a funny joke.
Really funny joke, Dadha.
Jamila, she went off
with a younger man.
Our marriage had run its course.
I thought you said
she was the love of your life?
I had to tell you something.
I mean, would you have smuggled
out a dying man from his house
just to dispose of this?
I mean, probably, yeah.
I would have, yeah.
We got time on our hands.
OK, all right.
Does this mean you do love Daadi?
No.
She's not a psycho, but she's
still after her inheritance.
Oh, right.
Have you decided what
you're going to do
with the rest of the inheritance?
Yeah, I do have something in mind.
Yeah? Something that's
quite close my heart.
Yeah?
Netball in ladies' prisons.
Blud, blud!
What's that?
It's a charity that provides netball
equipment for lady prisoners.
Can we just get on with the job
we came here to do
and get rid of this porn?
Nah, nah, real talk, yeah,
this is immoral, misogynistic,
and most importantly,
on a format we can't use
anyway, so, let's dash, innit?
This just seems so wrong.
What, porn, yeah?
No, getting rid of it.
A lot of very professional people
worked hard to bring us
this material.
They work very hard, innit?
Let's just get rid of it, huh?
CREAKING
Did you hear that?
CREAKING CONTINUES
TAPPING
It's nothing, man.
Thought I heard something, but
Argh!
Daadi?
What are you doing with all
this filth?
Yes!
What are you doing with this filth!
What? No
All I wanted to do was come here
one last time,
and you violate my life's work
with this?
My own grandson bringing this
filthy muck into Hussein Videos.
You are not my favourite grandson.
You're not even
my favourite pervert!
THEY SNIGGER
EIGHT SOBS
Oh.
And that's why
Judge Rinder is a genius.
He's all right.
EIGHT SOBS
Dadha, remember what we were
talking about earlier?
Eight took the blame for you.
He got battered for you.
Is there something you'd
like to say to him?
Yeah, there is.
Why don't you stand up for yourself?
What?
Don't worry, he's going
to die soon anyways.
What?
Sorry, just trying to lighten
the mood.
What happened to those boxes,
in the end?
I don't know. Eight dumped
them somewhere.
What is it?
They're broken.
I know what this is.
It's old school porn.
ALL: Yes!
# Oh
# No time to rest
# Just do your best
# Oh
# What you hear is not a test
# We're only here to make you
# We're only here to make you
# We're only here to make you
# We're only here to make you
# Go
# Gotta go, gotta make it in time
# Brightest star gonna be the guide
# Gotta get you to the other side
# To where the butterflies
and where the peach reside. #