Man Up (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Hey, did you guys get my e-mail? You didn't reply.
I got it.
I just didn't read it.
I got it, too.
Went right in the trash.
Why? Your e-mails are boring, will.
Well, if you had read it, you would know That it had details about going to the club tonight.
Ah, yes, tonight.
We are getting kenny hayden A maiden for the first time since It might even be the last century.
It hasn't been that long.
You've been divorced over six months.
Yeah, and you moved in with me six months before that, And I have not clocked any sexual activity Other than some very long baths.
For your information, I take action figures into the tub, And I play out maritime scenarios.
Ew.
Okay, here's the plan.
Starts out, we go to club havoc at 8:00.
And? And somehow kenny has sex.
I love this plan.
It's a good plan.
Remember, when we talk to theresa, we're going out for Lobsters.
Batting cages.
Steaks! This is why you have to read your e-mails.
I don't want theresa knowing that I'm spending the night In a singles bar.
I mean, I'm no dr.
Phil no, sir.
You are not.
no, sir.
You are not.
But I do know that women don't like Their husbands hanging out in singles bars.
No, sir.
They do not.
No, sir.
They do not.
At the club, women are not going to respond to this.
No, sir, they will not.
Do you come here often, pretty female? Because you are giving my horse a touch of the vapors.
So "eat, pray, love" is basically about this girl Who goes on a journey to, you know, Go find herself and, like, get centered and-- Well she has pretty intense sex in indonesia.
bingo! What page? Hey, why don't you guys ever read Your own books for book club? aw.
honey, book clubs aren't about books.
They're about gossip and drinking wine And no one acknowledging The shared lie that we all care about literature.
Okay, if any of you ever refer to this As literature again, I'm moving out.
Hello, ms.
Keen.
Hello, miss-take.
How long have you been sitting on that one? About a week.
Where's grant? Is he out upgrading the woman in his life? ho I guess that's always a possibility For a real man like him, as opposed To a tiny, bearded creature like you, Who lives under a bridge and eats hobbits.
First of all, I wouldn't eat hobbits.
I'd ask them riddles.
Duh.
Secondly, there are plenty of women out there for me.
Sure.
You're a pharmaceutical rep.
To leave her drink unattended.
It's all guys tonight.
Just going out for a couple of steaks.
Lobsters.
Haircuts.
We should go.
Okay.
It's a pickle party in here.
There's four women in the whole place.
You only need one, kenny.
Well, sometimes I enjoy two or three females in my bed.
Oh, my god.
Have you really done that? No, sir.
The very thought of it chills me.
Grant! no.
No! What is he doing here? I invited him.
I thought he could help out.
Will, I refuse to try to get laid for the first time Since my ex-wife while being judged By the guy that is currently doing my ex-wife.
I'm sorry.
No.
It's not gonna happen.
Ohh.
Hi.
Hey.
Thank you for coming.
I want you to know you can count on me, ken.
I'm here for you.
please tell him to stop talking Kenny, kenny, check it out.
10:00.
She's totally checking you out.
No, she's not.
She's looking at grant.
No, she's looking at you.
Observe.
She's looking at you, buddy.
oh.
Then my chances just doubled.
What's all that? Just some phone numbers and a couple of room keys.
You know how you get those when you walk across a bar.
All right.
I'm going over.
I'm gonna need a wingman.
Take grant.
No way! I need to pick the least attractive person In the group, someone who's not gonna be a threat.
Will, you're up.
Me? Craig's too sexy.
Gotta be you.
What?! Craig's sexier than me? That "blink" response.
It's, like, the first impression I get When I look at the two of you together.
Watch.
Craig's sexier.
W--you gotta give me a chance.
It's definitely craig.
I'm sorry, will, But if you could see what we're seeing, you'd agree.
Lose the wedding ring.
Grant, 12:00.
Cute blonde.
I need you to wing for me.
You keep that redhead busy.
I will be your wingman, craig, And an excellent wingman I will be, But if we do this, we do it my way.
Yeah.
Fine.
Whatever.
Success is all in the details.
For example, your target-- she's chewing her ice.
She knows money.
This ain't gonna be cheap.
Wow, you pick up on everything.
I told you, it's all in the details.
Now look at the laugh lines around her eyes.
She likes to laugh.
Open with a joke.
No problem.
I have a great one.
what are you doing?! You could have warned me.
How you doing? try to keep this quiet, but, uh, I got a half a bag of razzles in my pocket.
It's the candy that becomes gum.
You have my attention.
What else you got? well, I do a very good robot voice.
I also had the original idea for rollerblades Four years before they came out.
I called them skate-a-roos.
Oh, I had the original idea for the kangaroo.
I called it a kangaroo-a-roo.
I'm kenny.
I'm sheri.
Hi.
And then the chief says, "you got it backwards, buddy.
That's my daughter.
That's a wiener press.
" Oh, I forgot to say That this tribe builds wiener presses.
All right.
Let me try it again.
Uh, I-I think The-- Twice is enough.
I feel as if we owe you ladies a drink.
Buy them a drink.
Oh, right.
Razzles are incredible.
Sometimes I eat them in a bowl with milk.
Stick with me, baby.
I'm gonna have you bathing In a bowl of razzles by midnight.
Ooh.
And pick you up a bag of razzles.
You can put it in your bathtub.
Oh.
They seem to be getting along well.
I'm molly.
I'm will.
What? Hello? Vicki barker.
I'm in theresa's book club.
Right! right.
Of course.
"eat, pray, love.
" is your wife with you? Uh She is Not.
No.
Does she know you're here without your wedding ring on? Uh, uh, does she know? Does she know? That--that is a very good question.
Uh, now you got me wondering about that.
Uh, I'm gonna call her.
No need for you to do that.
Oh.
Hey, honey.
Hello.
Hi.
How was your night? Crazy.
I was trying to get things ready for book club tomorrow, And I left the back door open, and a deer got in the house.
Good, good, uh, so here's something That happened tonight.
Uh, we did not go out for steaks.
We went to a singles club to meet girls.
Uh, for kenny.
I mean, not for me.
uh, I-I'm good in that area.
I am great in that area.
Did you say a deer got into the house? It was chaos, but it sounds like Your story's gonna be even more interesting.
Uh, so I-I was wingmanning for your brother Kenny I know my brother's name.
Go on.
And, uh, I had my wedding ring off, You know, because of the wingmanning thing, And, uh, vicki barker saw me talking to this woman, But it was nothing.
Nothing happened.
I was just trying to help your brother Kenny, Whose name you know.
oh, god.
That's it? Oh, you had me worried.
So y-you're not mad? You're trying to help my brother.
I think it's sweet.
Ohh.
Mwah.
thank god.
I mean, of all the things I have to worry about, You having an affair is not one of them.
Exactly.
Wait.
What? What, you having an affair? please.
The idea of me attracting another woman Makes the woman I married laugh.
You should talk to grant.
He knows everything about women.
I totally flame out.
Wiener press joke? Anyway, grant pulls me from the wreckage, And we have another date with them tonight.
The guy is a miracle worker.
Best wingman ever.
I don't need a wingman.
I just want my wife to recognize that other women Might possibly, crazily want to have an affair with me.
Hey, tony.
Hey, hey.
You have affairs, right? Lots of 'em.
If you're interested-- eighth floor.
Tons of tail.
I just want my wife to think that I could have an affair.
You gotta act sexy.
You gotta talk sexy.
You gotta eat sexy.
You gotta sleep sexy.
I have no choice.
You know, that guy is a harassment suit Waiting to happen, but he makes a good point.
I've gotta up my game.
Hey.
Where you guys been? I looked everywhere for you.
We were right outside the door.
I did not look there.
I gotta talk to you.
Oh, right! Last night--how'd it go? Nothing Happened.
What are you talking about? We need details.
Okay, here are the details.
Nothing happened.
Mm.
I want you to come into my house right now.
I'd really like to, But I have to get to my Fight club.
If I'm late, no one will beat me up.
I couldn't go through with it.
I panicked.
I got nervous.
Why? because I've never had sex with anyone but brenda, okay? You mean anyone since brenda.
No.
I mean, my whole life, I've never had sex with anyone except brenda.
That's not true.
What are you talking about? What about lisa elliot senior year? That never happened.
Okay, what about, uh, The girl from, where was it, michigan? The tax attorney with a dog named bosco Right.
I made the whole thing up.
The dog staring at you-- that's a bizarre detail.
Duh, that's what sold it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My head is spinning.
Nobody but brenda? You're, like, one person away from being a virgin.
shut up! Why didn't you ever tell us? I told you about my peter jennings dream, When he carried me on the beach and whispered me the news.
Yes, you did.
I'm sorry, okay? I guess I didn't want to admit to you guys I've only had sex with one woman.
Will, you're gonna call brenda And ask her if I was any good in bed.
kenny, no, I'm not.
craig.
no.
damn.
I'm afraid to even ask About the woman from alabama with the banjo.
Oh.
Susanna? Ohh.
How did I not see that? Hey, t.
I know you have the book club tonight.
I'm thinking about going out, seeing what the boys are up to.
Uh-huh.
Maybe we'll find a party, let the party find us.
Oh, my god.
What are you wearing? This? It's a shirt.
Got these cool metal studs.
The girl at the store thought I looked hot in it.
You know, I'm not saying that she was flirting with me, but-- Before I forget, the neighbor let his dog I don't want anyone from the book club stepping in it, So if you wouldn't mind? Sure.
Thank you.
Mwah.
Before you start showing symptoms.
You're such a scream.
I need to ask you something.
When we were married-- Worst time of my life.
Go ahead.
And we were h-having sex-- Darkest moments of the worst time of my life.
Go ahead.
At what? Drooling? Falling asleep? Turning bright red? I was with this girl last night-- Worst moment of her life.
Go ahead.
You know what? Forget it.
Oh, hold on.
There were a lot of things In our marriage you were terrible at, So many areas where you sucked And were deficient and disappointing Is there a "but" part to this sentence? But things in the bedroom were always great.
Really? Really.
Thanks, b.
Not surprised she needs a saddle! I'm wearing this cool metal shirt.
I tell her that the saleswoman flirted with me, And all she says is that I should pick up the poop On my way out.
You're not a peacock, will.
No, I am not.
What does that mean? That she acknowledge you are a desirable, virile man.
Close your eyes.
listen to him, will.
He knows what he's talking about.
Hey, can I take these whitening strips off My teeth now? No.
Didn't you notice? Your girl has porcelain veneers.
White teeth are important to her.
You can't go walking in there With this mouth full of candy corns.
He's a detail man, will.
You gotta listen to him.
You're right.
And acknowledge me and this ridiculous shirt.
I swear, it feels like there's fishhooks in this thing.
Now go in there and bring me three shirt choices, All in blue But no cobalt, turquoise, Or indigo.
I don't know if I have-- Shh.
go.
My good sir, I will take I would also like to purchase a box of your finest condoms, And I will be taking a penny.
Vicki, I trust will.
He's not going to have an affair.
Brenda, what are you doing? Looking for this girl's picture.
What did you say her name was again? Molly helmond.
We took yoga together.
It doesn't matter.
I don't care about her.
Nothing is going to change my-- you're right.
It doesn't matter.
An-- brenda.
Kenny? Hi! sheri.
I panicked last night because I've never had sex With anyone but my ex-wife But I really, really like you, You know You know what I'm getting at? I know what you're getting at.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Oh, good.
mmm.
that tom bergeron Has such kind eyes.
So I got a teaching job, moved here from chicago, And I've been staying with grandma rose Till I find an apartment.
We watch "dancing with the stars" Every Tuesday night.
That she's still with us.
Theresa, we need to talk.
You should be angry about what I did last night.
how dare you?! Yeah, like--like that, only Less.
I saw her picture, will.
Whose picture? Your little friend from the bar.
She's beautiful.
You didn't mention that last night.
Oh so first I'm too boring to worry about, And then I'm in trouble because a woman Who couldn't possibly find me attractive is hot? Oh.
Oh! So you think she's hot? you're the one who called her gorgeous.
I never said she was gorgeous.
I-I think she's W-wait a minute.
What is happening here? Uh, look, I just came in here wanting you to acknowledge That you think I'm I think you're what? Sexy, okay? Oh, god.
Please never tell my father I said that.
He still makes fun of me for that christmas When I told him I loved him.
So you don't think I find you sexy? You laughed at the idea of me having an affair.
Because you are such a good guy, will.
I know you never would.
wow.
Suddenly I feel really self-conscious in this shirt.
You're the sexiest man I know, will.
aw.
I love this book club.
And then the chief says, "you got it backwards, buddy.
That's my daughter.
That's the wiener press.
" Oh, finally.
Ah.
Sir, um, we are traveling by hummousine--hummer/limo-- So I think we're gonna have another bottle of champagne.
remember, your lady knows money, So don't hold back.
right.
sir, bring us a bottle Of your most expensive champagne, And I tell you what.
Crack one open for you and your buddies in the kitchen.
Okay.
don't do that.
You are very generous.
Well, this is a special night.
that's so sweet.
They're getting along awfully well.
Grant is very good at what he does.
Well, we hooked 'em up, so, uh, mission accomplished.
yes.
Mission accomplished.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Our work's done.
I'm gonna grab a cab.
But what about the limo? Well, they're gonna want to be alone in the limo.
No, we're gonna want to be alone in the limo.
Oh, no.
I-I don't want to be alone in the limo.
But you and I are supposed to be I mean, 'cause they're just Can I ask a question to the table? Um, who here is wingmanning for their buddy? And who here is interested in a romantic connection With me? Whew.
All right.
Uh, I think-- No, don't open that! You're a detail man, huh? Well, you missed one pretty important detail.
Yeah, I did miss that.
Oh, perfect! You're the worst wingman ever.
Craig, there's no need to be hurtful.
you slapped my face, Said my teeth looked like candy corn, Got me to spend $300 on a bottle of champagne, And I'm hurting your feelings?! Yes, you are.
I'm sorry.
Lovebirds, your champagne is corked and waiting.
This is a bad night for you, craig.
man, there are a lot of rose petals in here.
So sheri let me in, but her grandma was there Watching "dancing with the stars.
" Oh, so it didn't work out? Well, no one can blame you for backing out of that.
Gentlemen, I think you underestimate my horniness.
Your grandfather asked me to dance.
It was 1950-- Whoa.
So you did it with grandma in the room? She never noticed.
Oh, god.
And, oh, by the way, Two ladies in the same room-- technical threesome.
Sure.
I'll give you that.
Yeah, I'll give him that.
Am I dead? oh, my god! I had so much more to do.
not really.
Morning, kenny.
This is lana.
I hired her because I was hoping my date from last night Was going to stay over, and we'd have a sexy breakfast.
Mr.
Craig, does your lover like blueberries on his pancakes?