Man with a Plan (2016) s02e19 Episode Script

We Hate Money

1 - (LAUGHTER) - This is such a fun way to celebrate you guys finishing the mini-mall.
Hey, did Lisa say what our next project is? - Mm-mm.
- I hope it's a water park.
I love a lazy river.
You don't have to get out to pee.
ALL: Yes, you do.
Look, Lisa's gonna tell us about our next project when she gets here, and she said it is big.
I'm feeling so good, I splurged on lobster.
Andi, we're lobster people.
You married good.
(MOUTHS) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, that's Lisa.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, look at all the people.
That means small talk, which my therapist urged me to try, so How about sports, huh? You're so good at that.
Uh, h-hey, come on in.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
We were just talking about the next big project coming up.
Oh, well, I have great news about that.
The next project I will be working on is myself! I'm going on sabbatical.
I hope that's the name of a water slide.
It's a long-term break to get my life back in order.
Long-term break? Uh, so what are we gonna be building? Well, I don't know about you two, but I'll be building a new me.
She might have to take that thing down to the studs.
Uh, Lisa, you said there'd be more work after the mini-mall.
We're depending on you.
- We let all of our other clients go.
- Yeah.
You can't do this to me.
If I'm home all day, my wife will make me take the kids to Mommy and Me.
They don't even have a men's restroom there.
Okay, fun party.
Wish me luck on my journey.
It's gonna be like that book, a whole "eat, pray, drink" thing.
I-I think it's Eat, Pray, Love.
Not when I do it.
We just lost our jobs.
(SIGHS) I can't sleep.
I can't sleep! - What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I wake you? I-I can't sleep.
But we did the thing that usually puts you right to sleep.
Yeah, but I kept thinking about Lisa.
Afterward.
Afterward.
This whole situation with her, it's my fault.
Well, how do you figure? She's the crazy one.
Yeah, but I'm the one who put all our eggs in her crazy basket.
I convinced Don to give up our other work.
Oh, Don's fine.
Okay? And don't forget I'm bringing in money now, too.
- Hmm.
- I mean, not as much as if I were a man, but I'm just happy you guys let me vote.
Are we doing women's rights, or are we gonna do my thing? - Okay.
Go ahead.
- (CLEARS THROAT) There's 20 guys on the crew that are unemployed now, and they all have families.
One of them has a secret second family.
That's expensive.
Yeah, but you were doing bathrooms and kitchens before Lisa.
You can just go back to that.
But that takes time.
You know? Residential stuff is all word of mouth, and for the last year, we've been saying we're out of that business.
I (SIGHS) I don't know, Andi.
You know what, just go back to sleep.
(JINGLE PLAYING) WOMAN: Go ahead and get drunk as a skunk We'll get you out of jail! MAN: Call me! If I don't get you out of jail, I'll do the time! That song's catchy.
That guy is such a bozo, but his business is going great.
I saw him at the car wash driving a Corvette with two hot blondes in it.
(CHUCKLES) And I felt sorry for him because he thinks - he's happy.
(SCOFFS) - Yeah.
You know, maybe he's doing so well because he has that commercial.
- (SCOFFS) - (GASPS) You should make one.
Me? Really? You'd be great.
Yeah, you're very charismatic.
Well, you may have a point there.
When I see myself on the security TV at 7-Eleven, I think, "That guy is stealing nothing but hearts.
" Yeah.
So do a commercial.
It could bring in a lot of business.
Yeah.
- Thanks, honey.
- You're welcome.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
You know who wouldn't have come up with that idea? Two blondes in a Corvette.
Yeah.
- But they have other things they do.
- Eh.
Okay, I looked into it.
Our last payment for the mini-mall will cover the cost of the commercial, including airtime.
I don't know how good I'll be on camera.
I've never taken a single picture with my eyes open.
My wedding album looks like Weekend at Bernie's.
Well, just follow my lead.
You've seen me at 7-Eleven.
I light up the screen.
I can shoot it.
I've got a pro-grade camera and a green screen.
Jen and I like to film ourselves doing role-play against exotic backgrounds.
Weird guy's got a little spark - to him, huh? - (CHUCKLES) No, it's nothing dirty.
Just soft erotica with the occasional lightsaber battle thrown in.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Okay? Yeah? - Uh-huh.
Sure.
- Enough? Okay.
All right, let's think.
All right, we'll have 15 seconds to sell people on Burns Brothers Construction.
What's our message? All right.
We open on a puppy.
Widen to reveal a girl in a bikini is holding the puppy.
And then whoosh "Burns Brothers Construction.
" I don't hate it.
I'd call after that.
That has nothing to do with our business.
W-Why don't we just say we do quality work at a fair price.
- I like that.
- Hmm? And to show how low our prices are, we'll run away from cartoon dollar signs with the slogan whoosh "We hate money.
" Who says, "We hate money"? The puppy or the dame? ANDI: I feel so bad for Adam.
He was tossing and turning all night.
(CHUCKLES) Don slept like a baby.
When he gets stressed, his body shuts down like those goats that tip over.
You know, I'm thinking about asking my boss for a raise.
I mean, I'm the breadwinner now, so it'd be great if I could, you know, win a little more bread.
Do it.
Demand a raise.
Yeah, but I'm really bad at awkward conversations.
I mean, I lose my nerve, and then I just start to laugh like an idiot.
Isn't part of your job telling people their blood test results? Yeah.
Yeah, I-I've giggled my way through some real tough calls.
Oh, there's my boss.
Oh, good.
Now's the time.
Do it now.
Really? Now? Yeah.
I got your back.
Hey, Bob, come join us.
She said that.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
- Hey, Andi.
- Hey, Bob.
The boss.
The "Boboss.
" Um, I was wondering if, uh, I could talk to you about some bread-related issues I'm (LAUGHING, SNORTS) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) You-you all right? Sure, I'm great.
- (LAUGHS, SNORTS) - Yeah.
No, she's just happy 'cause she is such a good worker.
I'd sure hate to hear that she isn't being taken care of.
I'm sorry, who are you? Well, you don't know me.
But, uh, my husband's on the board at the hospital.
- Oh, he is? What's his name? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you're not gonna know his name.
No.
That's how high up he is.
He's with, um Mitch and Glenn's people.
Who are Mitch and Glenn? (LAUGHING, SNORTING) I can't feel my feet.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING) There are my stars.
Okay.
Let's make some TV history.
Remember to keep it clean, Lowell.
This isn't one of your space pornos.
Oh, Don's so nervous.
I just hope he doesn't go full goat and fall over.
ANDI: Don't worry.
Adam will help him.
And we're rolling.
Okay.
Hey, don't worry.
- You got this, okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
You start us off, and I'll bring it home.
- All right.
Yeah.
- All right? - We're good.
- Right, we're ready.
LOWELL: And action.
Hi.
My name is Don Burns, and I own Burns Brothers Construction along with my brother, Adam.
Cut.
Uh-oh.
We're gonna need a puppy.
Okay, let's try it again.
Uh, Adam, maybe put your hands in your pockets this time and try not to look like you're falling out of a plane.
Take 16.
Only getting better.
(CHUCKLES) LOWELL: And action.
Hi.
My name is Don Burns, and I own Burns Brothers Construction along with my brother, Adam.
Ha ha.
You said it, Donald.
Can we say "cut"? Because somebody should say it.
Cut.
Nailed it.
Look at them, Don.
They're starstruck.
Poor Adam.
What happened out there? Before we started, he was Tom Cruise.
As soon as I said "action," he turned into Rain Man.
I mean, was he that bad? It felt bad, but I thought the camera would fix it.
The camera adds weight, not talent.
Look, we're gonna have to break it to Adam, but I can't do it on my own.
You saw how bad I am at awkward conversations.
I mean, Don, you'll help, right? Absolutely.
We're family.
- We'll all do it together.
- ANDI: Okay.
ADAM: Hey, I found some champagne in the garage! Okay, here he comes.
All right, stay calm, Andi.
(LAUGHS, SNORTS) Oh.
Don! You said you would help.
That's called "acting.
" Hey, whoa, w-where's everybody going? - I got a thing.
- I'm going to his thing.
- I married the thing.
- I don't want to be here, and I don't care who knows it.
Oh, well.
More champagne for us.
- Good.
Drinking is a good idea.
- Yeah.
Uh, because, um, yeah, I-I kind of need to tell you something.
Yeah, well, go ahead.
I love compliments.
(BOTH LAUGH) Um, okay, uh Well, about the commercial I just I just think that (LAUGHING) (SNORTING AND LAUGHING) Oh.
Uh-oh.
You're doing your thing.
Okay, you don't have to say it, 'cause I felt it, too.
Oh.
Don kind of stinks.
Oh, boy.
But I think Lowell can fix that.
He'll just focus more on me.
Okay.
How do I explain this to you? Um Oh.
Hey, remember how at all of our friends' weddings, I used to get up and sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" 'cause I thought I was a good singer? And then, finally, you had to wrestle me into the ladies room at the Hilton and explain to me that I was ruining people's most precious day? (CHUCKLING): Yeah.
Yeah.
Still nothing? Okay.
Well, honey (LAUGHS) Uh, we are in the Hilton ladies room, and you're about to be crying by the tampon machine.
This is nothing like that.
Everyone knew you were a bad singer but you.
(LAUGHING) Whereas in my case, uh Oh.
I'm sorry.
Huh.
(LAUGHS) I kind of pictured this going in a different direction.
I thought we'd do a bunch of commercials, and then Terry Bradshaw would see it and be my friend.
Well, I'm still your friend.
You know, it's fine.
- It's fine.
- Oh.
I-I'm sorry, honey.
I-I know it's tough.
Oh, no, no.
Hey, hey, it needed to be said.
Right? I'm no actor.
Big deal.
The important thing is that the commercial is good.
- Yeah.
- So I will give Lowell a call and tell him he needs to find a better me.
I think he knows.
I like our new Adam.
You could really be brothers.
Yeah.
It's nice that you're tall.
We could high-five, and I don't have to crouch down.
Whoa-oh! (LAUGHTER) Uh-oh.
Adam, you're here.
Didn't you get the e-mail I sent you Subject line: "Maybe stay in the house"? It's fine.
This commercial is important to Burns Brothers, so I think I should meet the guy who's playing me.
That's not gonna be uncomfortable for you? What? No.
I rise above.
That's what I do.
That's the spirit.
Hey, New Adam? - Yeah.
- I'd like you to meet someone.
Oh, great.
Is this who I give my lunch order to? No.
No, this is Adam Burns, the person you're playing.
It's okay, Lowell.
Like I said, I rise above.
Also, there's no budget for lunch.
I have a cherry ChapStick.
You can nibble on that later.
Uh, so, uh, New Adam, uh, what's your name? - I'm Leif Forrest.
- I'm sorry? Leif Forrest.
(LAUGHING) (LAUGHTER) Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna go back over there, 'cause it's easier to rise above back over there.
(LAUGHS) ANDI: Bob, yesterday, I had to have a very awkward conversation - with my husband, and - Yes.
I realized that it's something I can do if I have to.
So can I have a raise? I'll let you in on a little secret.
Our hospital's getting bought by SuperMed, and they said they have big plans for our lab.
I have a call with them later to finalize the details, and when I do, you're gonna get that raise.
- Really?! - (LAUGHING): Yes.
Oh, thank you, Bob.
I am so proud of myself.
I didn't even snort on you.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Well, we're both happy about that.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (SNORTING) Damn it! Yeah.
All right, let's get started.
Burns Brothers Commercial, Episode II: A New Hope.
Take one.
Action.
Hi.
My name is Don Burns, and I own Burns Brothers Construction, along with my brother Adam.
Here at Burns Brothers, we know you need quality work at low prices.
- Cut! - No.
No, no.
You don't say "cut.
" I say "cut.
" Cut.
Now it's official.
Leif, you're doing great so far, but I just wanted to point out, you're saying "quality work at low prices.
" - Yeah.
- It's quali-TEE work at low PRI-ces.
But nobody talks like that.
I'm just trying to help, you know? You've never actually built a mini-mall, but I have, so Well, I went to six weeks of acting classes in a mini-mall, so, I know what I'm doing.
LOWELL: Okay, okay.
Adam TV Adam let's just give it another try.
Are you sure this guy's better than me? Yes! Sorry.
Yes.
And action.
Hi.
My name is Don Burns, and I own Burns Brothers Construction, along with my brother Adam.
- Here at Burns Brothers - ADAM: Cut! Why are you making that face? I wasn't making a face.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
I I thought you were making a stupid face.
It's just regular, you guys.
It's just his regular face.
And action.
Hi.
I'm Don Burns, and Cut.
LOWELL: Adam, what are you doing? Just one second.
I think I can help this guy.
Cut.
Son of a biscuit! Okay.
Uh You're playing me.
Right? Okay? I am not this.
All right? I am this.
Okay, that's it.
I can't work with this guy.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we have a diva on our hands.
Let's get you a snack.
Do you eat snacks, or do you just do push-ups, or? - What is with you? - What? Look, we need this commercial to be good, and Forrest Gump over there isn't bringing the magic.
And that's it? Well, yeah.
What else would there be? Oh, come on, man.
It's obvious.
You feel threatened because Leif and I are very tall.
I am normal height.
This is what people look like.
And if I feel threatened, it's because it's my fault our company's in trouble.
I feel like you're losing confidence in me, and now you have literally replaced me.
That was my second guess.
Wow.
I think I just unlocked something there.
My neck feels so loose all of a sudden.
Hey, what happened with Lisa isn't your fault.
We both screwed that up.
Well, thanks for saying that.
Hey, and you were a little right.
Leif is very tall, and I don't love it.
Look, if you don't like that guy, then I don't like that guy.
Hey, Leif, you're out of here.
Wait.
What? Why? Because I'd rather make the worst commercial ever with my brother than a great commercial with the most talented man I've ever met.
Don, you're firing this guy when he didn't do a single thing wrong.
You're a good brother.
This is the most unprofessional set I have ever been on.
And I have been on three.
Hey, welcome back.
Okay, gentlemen, let's make a terrible commercial.
Come on.
Hi.
My name is Don Burns, and my brother Adam and I own Burns Brothers Construction.
You want quality work at a low price.
That's why we'll match or beat our competition, because here at Burns Brothers, not only do we love puppies BOTH (YELLING): We hate money! (UPBEAT TUNE PLAYS) (WHOOSH, RUMBLE) I love it! Me not talking was a good idea.
That puppy's got a hell of a career ahead of him.
- Yeah.
- We did it, brother, you and me.
- Yeah.
- Ah! "Good job, Lowell.
" "Good job, Lowell.
" "Oh, thank you.
It's nice to hear.
" Great job, Lowell.
Thank you.
(DOOR OPENS, ADAM CHUCKLES) Hey, Andi, we finished our commercial.
I think our troubles are finally What's the matter? I just got laid off.
- What?! - Yeah.
The The hospital got bought, and the new owners eliminated our whole department.
When Bob had his call with them, they just fired all of us.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Whoa.
Wow.
I guess now neither of us are working.
Well, look at it this way.
It's a good thing you guys hate money.
Okay, let's just try to think about the good stuff, huh? I mean, we have a lot to be thankful for.
Yeah, you're right.
We've got some money set aside, and I've got no secret second family, so we're saving money right there.
Yeah, I think we're gonna be all right.
Of course we will.
Hey, I don't want you worrying.
You know what I just realized? Hmm? I'm out of work, and you're out of work.
So we're finally getting paid the same for the same job.
- (CHUCKLES) - There's your equal rights.
(CHUCKLING) WOMAN: Go ahead and get drunk as a skunk We'll get you out of jail! - Damn, it is catchy.
- Mm.
We should have done a jingle.
What?