Man with a Plan (2016) s02e20 Episode Script

We Got a Girl

1 This is such a fun way to celebrate you guys finishing the mini mall.
- Hey, did Lisa say what our next project is? - Mm-mm.
The next project I will be working on is myself! I'm going on sabbatical.
So what are we gonna be building? Well, I don't know about you two, but I'll be building a new me.
She might have to take that thing down to the studs.
We just lost our jobs.
This commercial is important to Burns Brothers, so I think I should meet the guy who's playing me.
I'm Leif Forrest.
I'm sorry? Leif Forrest.
(LAUGHING) - What's the matter? - I just got laid off.
I guess now neither of us are working.
(HORN HONKING) Oh, okay, kids.
Your carpool's here.
You guys aren't going anywhere today? Teddy, I told you we're temporarily unemployed.
I want to be unemployed.
Oh, you will be.
Okay, let's not be so honest.
Come on.
So we're busting our humps all day while you two get to sit around? Yeah, it's like we're the kids now.
Bring us back some food and money.
- (GIGGLES) - (GIGGLES) Ah, look at us.
We got the house to ourselves.
You know, we should make the most of this.
Yeah, well, we're not gonna be unemployed long.
I got my commercial running, you sent out résumés.
Oh, and they really stand out 'cause they include a bribe.
See, I clipped a Starbucks gift card to each one.
Andi, those things cost money.
Not if you don't put any money on it.
That's my girl.
- (LAUGHS) - My thrifty, morally-challenged girl.
- (LAUGHS) - See, this is what I'm talking about.
We should just enjoy being together.
You're my favorite person.
I'm your favorite person.
We're like those two trees in the backyard that grow closer together every year.
That is poetic.
I love your stories.
- It's so charming how you see the world.
- Oh.
You know, that boy tree is ten years younger than the girl tree.
Pretty good for her, huh? Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, yeah, come on.
Get those puppies up here.
- (LAUGHS) - So (CLEARS THROAT) What should we do today? I say that we watch TV, and only get up when we need to replace the batteries in the remote.
I do not deserve you.
(GIGGLES) No man does.
Yesterday when I was getting the mail, I saw this caterpillar inching his way down the sidewalk.
It looked exactly like BOTH: The neighbor lady's mustache.
You've told that story twice.
Thought I was poetic.
People repeat poems.
Might I remind you of the "Man from Nantucket" series? As in, "There once was a man from Nantucket"? Okay, yeah, yeah, I got it.
(SIGHS) Uh what's this? My puppies.
(LAUGHS) (BARKS): Arf, arf.
Foot person gets the remote, too? Ugh.
I guess the rich get richer.
What's wrong? I just can't sit around all day with your hot feet in my lap watching reruns of the Gilmore Girls.
I get it.
You had your daughter young.
Move on.
You're making me crazy! Okay, well, you want to watch Rush Hour 3 again so you can say every line along with the actors? I do that? (CHUCKLING): Yeah.
It's funny.
- At first.
- Oh.
Look, I love you very much, but Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
I'm sick of being around you.
That is music to my ears.
I'm sick of being around you, too! (LAUGHS) We are so cute.
- Hey, so, how do we get you back to work? - Ugh.
You know, I mean, do we go out and knock on some doors and see who needs new kitchens? The quickest way to put me back to work is to get Lisa McCaffrey out of her cuckoo's nest.
So let's take her out for drinks.
Maybe we can speed this whole thing up, you know, patch the cracks in her attic.
That's a great idea.
- We're a great team.
- We are.
We were meant to be together.
Just not all the time.
- Exactly.
- (BOTH LAUGH) I'm gonna go read a book in the pantry.
Anywhere but here, baby.
Ha! I'm just saying, if you'd seen the caterpillar, you'd like the story better.
It looked exactly like a mustache.
It was Tom Selleck on a sidewalk.
Stay focused, okay? We've got to cheer Lisa up so we can get both of you back to work.
This morning, I needed alone time so bad, almost went on a walk.
A walk, Adam.
Here she comes.
Okay, remember, this is just a patch job.
We're not responsible for any structural problems.
And no matter what she says, we tell her she's making progress, okay? - Got it.
- Hey, hey! - Hi.
- Hello, you two.
- Lisa.
- (LAUGHS) - (SIGHS) - Ah, it's so good to see you.
- How-how you doing? - Oh.
Wildly depressed.
I haven't felt this lonely since my divorce.
I started talking to my reflection in the mirror, but conversation is difficult because we keep interrupting each other.
That right there that is textbook progress.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I say it's time to get back on the job.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, yeah.
Studies show that people who quit working die almost immediately.
Well, the way I've been feeling, it could be months before I get back to work.
- Hmm.
- Well You know what? Uh, I should go.
It's, uh, difficult for me to be around couples right now, especially old ones like you who've made it through most of their lives together.
Okay, bye.
That's the meanest compliment we've ever gotten.
Yeah, but at least now we know what she needs.
A straitjacket.
A man.
Yeah, a man to put on the straitjacket, 'cause you can't put those on by yourself.
That's why magicians have assistants.
Okay, look, Lisa said she was too lonely to work, and I get it.
It's-it's it's hard on your own.
So if we fix her up with someone, we fix her.
Yeah, having someone at home really makes you want to get out of the house.
Let's make a love connection, Adam.
All right, let's go home.
I'll make a list of some guys I don't like.
Spit that out.
We can't afford to eat here.
I can't think of anyone I dislike enough to set up with Lisa.
Do we know anyone who just got out of prison? I mean, you know, those guys aren't picky, and they're used to crazy roommates.
Okay, uh, hey, listen, before we go in there, fair warning.
I am laying down on that couch.
Now, it's fine if you want to sit on top of me, but just be prepared to finish what you start.
Aw, come on! Unemployment blows.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm looking at a guy with my pillow between his legs.
Check it out.
Rush Hour 3.
- Ooh.
- Hey.
Just got dark.
That means it's not weird for me to go to bed.
Good night, guys.
(GROANS) - Hey, so listen, we just saw Lisa.
- Yeah.
She's depressed because she's lonely.
Andi thinks we can get her back to work if we find her a guy.
That makes sense.
When she realized she couldn't have me, she started going downhill.
So who's the unlucky fella? Well, I don't know yet, but it shouldn't be that hard to find one.
- Yeah.
- Getting a girl is hard.
Getting a guy who wants a girl is easy.
All we got to do is tell him we got a girl.
Yeah, I mean, we got the beer.
We're just looking for the party.
Look, I know playing matchmaker's a little weird, - but I got to do something.
- Yeah.
Andi and I are spending all our time together, and I just discovered I can be a lot to take.
Yeah, me, too, but I didn't have to discover.
Marcy told me ten minutes before I got here.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
When I walk in the door, I want my wife to be happy to see me, and the key to that is less of me.
All right.
I just wish we had another place to hang out.
(SIGHS) Hey, you got the basement.
Let's move a couch and a TV down there.
Oh, I'd love to, but it won't fit.
There's no room.
- Aah.
- Andi's giant treadmill's down there.
(SIGHS) Does she use it? Shh! We don't talk about it.
Well, so ask her if you can get rid of it.
What are you, a newlywed? - No.
- Huh? Everyone knows you can't talk to women about exercising.
The last time I mentioned it, it did not go well.
Hey, yoga pants, heading down to the basement to exercise? Well, I am now.
That was a quiet weekend.
- Ooh.
- I know what I'll do.
I'll just throw it away, and I won't say anything.
That could work.
That's what I do when Marcy cooks a meatloaf.
LOWELL: I'm so glad you guys called.
I've been stuck home with my kids.
They tell the same stories over and over.
Lowell, if it's a good story, it never gets old.
Okay, come on, guys.
We got to figure out who to set Lisa up with.
- Mm.
- We need a gentleman.
I'll check out the bathroom, and come back with the first guy who washes his hands.
Okay, check out the guy behind me.
His date is a book.
- Watch this.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, uh, I noticed you were alone, and, uh we've got a girl.
That sounds creepy.
(CHUCKLES): No, no.
She's not in a cage or anything.
Listen, I know the manager.
What's your name? Uh, Lowell.
My name's Lowell.
I think we might need the actual girl here - for this to work.
- Yeah.
You're-you're overcomplicating it.
- See leather jacket over there? - Yeah.
I'll just tell him what I wanted people to tell me when I was sitting alone in bars.
Hey, big guy.
You look strong.
What'd you say to me? Nothing.
My name's Lowell.
Yeah, I-I'm out of here.
I'm going home.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Sit down.
We got to find a guy for Lisa so we can get back to work.
(SIGHS) The men's room was a bad idea.
I made a mistake by leading with, "Are you looking for a good time?" Frankly, I'm lucky to be alive.
Well, we're not doing much better out here.
Oh, and if anybody asks, your name is not Lowell.
Wait, wait, what about this guy? The chicken wing model.
That's Leif Forrest, the actor we hired to replace you in the commercial.
Lisa would like him.
He's single and handsome.
We fired him.
He doesn't like us.
But he likes me.
He accidentally put me into a group text, and I've been quite active.
Well, if you can get him on board, I'm all for it.
I'll have him meet us for lunch.
We don't want one of these guys, anyway.
Word in the bathroom is there's a creep here saying he's got a lady in a cage.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, so, Marcy and I will get Lisa on board with this blind date thing.
Okay, great.
And then Don and I will work on Pittsburgh's gift to acting, Leif Forrest.
If we play this right, I will have a job to go to every day.
It's gonna be nice to miss you, baby.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Andi, come quick! Is it the caterpillar? How do you not want to see it? ADAM: Okay, listen.
All we got to do is convince this guy to hook up with Lisa and take a ride down Bonkers Boulevard.
(CHUCKLES) Go for a swim in Lunatic Lake.
(LAUGHS): Yeah.
Hop on the Screw Loose Caboose.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, shh, shh, shh.
Here he is.
- Adam, Don, you remember Leif.
- Sure we do.
From when we fired you.
Ah, it's okay.
I'm used to hostility.
Regular looking people don't know how to deal with me.
Uh, have a seat.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um Leif, I know we've had our differences, but the reason we brought you here is we've got a girl.
Never been in a cage.
She's cage-free, like those chickens.
Look, she's a friend of ours, and she's single.
And my gut tells me she has not been mingled with in quite some time.
And we thought you might be a good match for her.
We felt bad for firing you.
The least we could do is find you a lovemaking partner.
I'm listening.
So, Adam and I couldn't help but notice that you're sort of missing a companion in your life.
You know, and we both love being in relationships.
(CHUCKLES) Most of the time.
But, um, we thought we could help.
Oh, you would do that? Well, it might be nice to share my life with someone special.
Well, great.
So what kind of man are you looking for? Hmm.
A handsome doctor.
Well, I don't want to be shallow about this.
Just handsome.
I can't believe you're single.
- (CHUCKLES) It's just - (MIMICS EXPLOSION) And I've always had a thing for spirited, unpredictable women.
Oh, really? I know it sounds weird, but I like crazy.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I know a crazy - that might like you.
- (CHUCKLES) I also want a guy who's financially dependent on me so I can have the upper hand and constantly lord it over him.
My God, you're a monster.
Of love.
(CHUCKLES) Huh? Right.
Yes, a a cuddly, bone-chilling love monster.
Not only is our friend delightfully unstable, she also happens to earn a pretty good living.
(EXHALES) That's great.
It's tough making ends meet as an actor in Pittsburgh.
They don't appreciate art around here.
I mean, I can do seven different faces, and they are all totally different.
They're really good.
Show them.
Do angry.
You had to pick the one that I can't do.
That seemed angry to me.
(LAUGHING): Well, all right.
That makes eight.
So, are you in? We're doing it.
- Thanks for coming, Leif.
- Sure.
She's a rich nutjob.
I'm just glad you called me first.
He's so pretty, it's a shame to give him away.
- Eyes over here, mama.
- Oh.
Uh, why don't you guys go into the living room, have some hors d'oeuvres, and we'll be right in.
So, Leif, what kind of name is that? Oh, it's my first name.
You know, I think this could actually work.
Lisa's an emotional iceberg, and he's got the brain of a penguin.
Yeah, if these two hit it off, she's going back to work, which means you're going back to work.
Yeah, which means I'll have a bunch - of new stories to tell you.
- Yeah.
And you'll be telling them - without my feet in your lap.
- Yeah.
All right, let's go close this deal.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Ooh, that must be her.
Leif, here comes the rest of your life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I-I'm not ready to meet her.
You haven't even told me her name yet.
Oh, sorry about that.
Yeah, her name is Lisa?! Wow, great guess.
Leif?! Wait, you-you guys know each other? Is that a good thing or a - You son of a bitch.
- Got it.
You set me up with my ex-husband.
Who cheated on me with a 22-year-old actress he met working at a car show.
I-I didn't know we couldn't date other people.
I just thought we couldn't marry other people.
Uh, hey, h-hold on, hold on.
He's changed.
Did you know he's got a steady job as a chicken wing model? - Huh? Everybody loves chicken wings.
- Yeah.
I'm leaving.
Thank you so much for setting up this reunion.
Hey, you're not getting the last word.
I'm getting the last word.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
No, you're not! Ah, she's too good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, look, we've learned a lot about you both over the past few days, and from where I'm standing, you're actually perfect for each other.
Yeah, that's true.
I mean, you only want one thing, and he only is one thing.
Yeah, and-and if that one thing is the right thing, well, then you got to hang on to that thing.
You know? And this is coming from an old couple who's made it almost all the way through their lives together.
As you so thoughtfully pointed out.
ADAM: But look, all we're saying is don't let go of his thing.
He's right.
Losing you was awful.
Can we at least have a drink and catch up? Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to hear you out, - Mr.
- (GIGGLES) Come on, I know a bar with lots of pictures of me.
Look at that.
There's an ass for every saddle.
I guess when you find your person, you work stuff out.
Your feet are the perfect temperature.
I should've been nicer about that caterpillar you saw.
You saw a caterpillar? Yeah, yeah.
- It looked like a mustache.
- Oh.
Oh! That's great.
That's great.
Hey, have you heard anything from Lisa? Yeah.
Leif moved back in with her.
Turns out he was living in a storage unit.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES) And, as we predicted, she's already dying to get out of the house and back to work.
So it sounds like our days on the couch together are almost over.
Tell you what.
Let's watch Rush Hour 3.
Let's go with Gilmore Girls.
I'm a little hooked.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
I mean, she's her mom, but she's also her best friend.
- Come on.
- Aw.
(GIGGLES) - (CHUCKLES) - Look at us.
It got good again.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) They're hot, but it's - it's a dry heat.
- Mm-hmm.
It doesn't fit.
- I told you to measure it.
- I did.
But it's wider than the door.
You didn't tell me to measure the door.
Andi's gonna be home any minute.
If she sees this, she'll think I'm accusing her of not exercising.
And we just got good again.
(KEYS JINGLING) That's Andi.
Oh, God, she can't see this.
Uh Here, here, here.
What are you doing? Camouflage.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
What's this? Dish towel.
Okay, fine.
I was gonna throw it away.
Go ahead.
You never use it anyway.
What? I never use it? Me? I mean, I was gonna say something, but (SCOFFS) everyone knows you can't talk to men about exercising.