Man with a Plan (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

Hotel Hanky Panky

1 The night is right For making love To you.
Old Spice, my secret weapon.
Oh-ho-ho.
She's a lucky lady.
Andi, prepare yourself for some good old-fashioned Teddy.
Surprise, he's in our bed again.
I see that and I love it.
(CHUCKLES) But, uh buddy, you've been sleeping in here for two weeks.
Made your own little dent in the mattress.
Well, he can't sleep on his own because somebody let him watch Nightmare on Elm Street.
Okay, look, I know we talked about this, but I am still not convinced that's why he can't sleep by himself.
Hmm.
What else could have happened two weeks ago to scare the bejesus out of Teddy? (GASPS) I switched to two percent milk, that's pretty spooky.
No, it was the movie.
- Okay.
- Honey, don't worry about it.
Go get your pillow.
(SIGHS) I estimate we have 30 seconds, okay? Unless he brushes his teeth.
Ted-Teddy! Brush your teeth! Okay, we have 35 seconds.
It's not a race.
Well, it can be.
It's been two weeks! Okay, listen.
No, no, no, listen, listen.
I said he was too young for that movie but you went rogue.
- (SCOFFS) - Yeah.
You made your bed and now we all get to lie in it.
With Teddy.
Wait, wait, wait, we still have ten seconds.
We can make this happen.
If you follow my instructions very carefully (SCOFFS) What a waste of Old Spice.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) What is wrong with this bag? Why won't it open? Why don't bags open anymore? This bag is broken.
Adam.
You seem troubled.
I'm fine, it's it's private.
Yeah, stay out of the man's business.
He hasn't made love to his wife in 15 days.
That's not true.
How do you know that? Marcy told me.
After we made love.
(LAUGHS) We have a heck of a streak going.
And I'll tell you, the sky looks a little bluer.
Well, since it's public information I let Teddy watch a scary movie and he's been in our bed ever since.
Now I'm starring in my own horror movie and it's rated G.
I haven't had intimate relations since Jen and I split up.
But I'm not complaining, I have new interests.
I'm learning Mandarin.
(SPEAKS MANDARIN) That means, "I'm lonely.
" Let's just keep our bedroom problems to ourselves, okay? I don't need anyone else knowing my private business.
Your mother tells me you're in a slump, son.
Mom knows? Well, my guess is you're overthinking things.
Just relax, boy.
See the ball, hit the ball.
It's not a slump.
It's a drought.
My swing is just fine.
You say "tomato," I say you're not getting any.
Look, the problem's not me and Andi.
It's all the little people that live with us.
One of life's cruel jokes: the more kids you have, the less time there is to do the thing that makes kids.
Well, you know what you should do? Take Andi to a hotel.
No kids, a little romance.
That's actually a great idea.
Andi loves hotels.
It reminds her of our honeymoon, when she was already - in a good mood, 'cause she got me.
- (SNORTS) - Hey, Dad, can you watch the kids? - Sure.
I love having my little beer grabbers around.
How come you never ask me or Marcy to watch the kids? Where are your keys right now? That's why.
Come on, I'm serious.
You never even consider us.
I love those kids.
Well, that's nice to hear, Don.
And since Dad just called them "little beer grabbers," I guess you win.
That's all right.
I still have your mother, the original beer grabber.
How would you like to be whisked away by your loving husband to a hotel room complete with a loving husband? - (CHUCKLES) You're so sweet.
- Hmm? Yeah.
- But we can't.
- What? Why? Well, hotels cost money.
Until we sell that flip house, we are carrying two mortgages.
I already thought of that.
I have a gift card.
Don't worry, baby.
- I won't spend a dime on you.
- Aw.
(CHUCKLES) Wait, this is the hotel that gave us a free night 'cause they had bedbugs.
Mm.
(CHUCKLES) You saw one, and freaked out and the next thing I knew, you were in the glass elevator naked, riding down to the lobby.
I had my underwear.
In your hand.
And I apologized to that wedding.
But the hotel just reopened, so it'll never be cleaner.
Just like when a restaurant reopens after a rat problem ooh.
By the way, I have a gift card for dinner, too.
So, your dad and I have to go away for a night.
Oh, what for? We got to take care of a little business.
What kind of business? None of your business business.
So, you, Teddy and Emme are gonna be staying with Uncle Don and Aunt Marcy.
Or I think I'm old enough now to stay home by myself for one night.
What do you say? - Okay.
- No.
BOTH: Pantry.
(LAUGHING): Okay.
We are not leaving Katie here by herself; she can't be trusted.
She's got our DNA.
Our beer-chugging, mechanical bull-riding DNA.
She gets good grades, she's responsible, she's a good girl.
We had a golden retriever growing up that was a good girl.
You know what she did every time we left her alone? Jumped the fence and got pregnant.
She's having a tough time at school, all right? Her best friend moved away.
She hasn't found a new social circle yet.
Look, she wants this; let's just do something nice for her.
We give her food and clothes every single day.
All right, let me ask you this: what do you want more? To win this Kate thing, or hotel sex? I vote for hotel sex.
I'm a single-issue voter, okay? Katie, great news.
Okay, so Teddy and Emme are at Uncle Don's Okay, everyone knows where everyone is.
Blow some kisses.
No time to waste.
Uh, hey.
Would it be okay if I invited Shelby and Winslow over? The two old guys from The Muppets? No.
They're girls from my Spanish class.
But I'm thinking I might get to know them better if we hang out.
(CHUCKLING) You-you can hang out tomorrow, okay? Nobody but you here tonight.
You invite someone over, they invite more people.
Next thing you know, I got Burning Man in my living room.
You in the house, just you.
Sitting around, doing nothing.
Have fun.
I love you.
Honey, just between you and me, go ahead and have those girls over.
- But Dad just said - Don't worry about Dad.
He's got other things on his mind.
Come on.
- Would you please come on? I've got ideas.
- Okay.
Howdy, cowboy.
Ooh, Old West prostitute.
I like it.
No, no, I'm a pioneer woman.
Yeah, farming the land to feed our 12 children.
Let's just be ourselves.
It's been 15 days.
It'll seem new.
(LAUGHS) Later, we should raid those minibar snacks.
They're complimentary.
(CHUCKLES) Well, if we do this thing right, you won't be awake for minibar snacks.
Mm-hmm.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) What is it? - I started thinking about those bedbugs.
- Oh I think this might be the same room that we had last time.
It's got the same floor plan: bed, window, TV.
It's a hotel room.
They all have that floor plan.
- Right.
Right.
- (LAUGHS) (BOTH CHUCKLING) It-It's like I can feel bugs on me.
Those things drink blood.
And what if one of 'em bites me there? That's where all the blood will be.
Everything's gonna be fine.
All right? Now, mosey on over here, partner.
Come on.
(GROANING) I-I can't do it, I'm sorry.
Hey, Teddy is at Don and Marcy's.
That means our bed is empty.
Le-Let's just go home.
You want to go home? I'll make it just like a hotel, okay.
I'll put chocolates on the pillow, and in the morning, we can steal our own shampoo.
Okay, yeah, that Let me just text Kate and warn her tell her that we're coming home.
Good, good, great.
I am out of here.
- Adam.
- Hmm? Glass elevator.
Right.
Pants.
(PHONE CHIMES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) My dad's coming.
Everybody out! Go, go! Get out! Out, out, out, out.
Go, go, go, go! ("YAKETY SAX" BY BOOTS RANDOLPH PLAYING) (SHRIEKS) Oh, my! (CAR DOOR CLOSES) Hi.
Hey, Mom.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) There's my girl.
All alone, like I knew you would be.
Okay.
Hey, Katie, we're very tired, so we're just gonna go straight up to bed.
Okay.
I never got my minibar snacks.
(CHUCKLES) This room's taken, bro.
Katie, there were teenagers canoodling in our pantry.
How did this happen? - It doesn't matter how it happened.
- (SCOFFS) We don't even need to know what anybody said that might've led up to it.
I want to know.
She had a party.
The one thing I told her not to do.
It wasn't a party.
Oh, it wasn't a party? Well, then you won't mind if I check the trash outside for evidence, huh? Huh? This house looks a little too clean.
I've been living with your mother for a long time Hey.
Wait! Before you do that, I should tell you.
A neighbor came by and he asked if he could dump his beer cans into our trash.
And then he said he was moving away so we'll never see him again.
Oh, Katie.
Oh-ho-ho, Katie.
Okay, fine.
There was a party.
But I didn't drink anything.
And I only invited two girls over.
The others heard about it and showed up.
Which is exactly what I told you would happen and why I said you couldn't have anybody over.
(EXHALES) You're grounded.
Grounded? Mom said I could! What? I (SCOFFS) Oh, Andi.
(WHISTLING) (WHISTLING STOPS) What's up? That is an excellent question, Teddy.
What is up? Teddy's scared.
He wants to sleep in here with us.
But we have a streak.
Well, I guess the streak is over, honey.
Teddy, let's go for a ride.
Hey, munchkins.
What a nice surprise.
I see you, Donny.
You went behind my back and decided to parent on your own.
You went rogue.
You went rogue, too, when you let Teddy watch a scary movie.
Wh (SCOFFS) This is completely different.
I explicitly said Katie couldn't have anybody over.
And I explicitly said that Teddy shouldn't watch that movie.
Yeah, but I wasn't listening.
Plus, Teddy is the only one in his class who hadn't seen it.
I was right.
- Well, I think I was right.
- But you were wrong.
I never told Kate to have a party.
I just wanted her to make some friends.
Oh, people were making friends, all right.
Some teenager was stealing second base in our pantry! Where we keep our food.
Contaminated, Andi! What's that? I signed Emme up for boxing.
You said no, but since we're going rogue, I'm doing it anyway.
- Oh.
Fine with me.
- Mm.
I'll sign Teddy up for rhythmic gymnastics class.
You know that's the Olympic event where they dance around twirling the ribbons.
Great.
Then I'll call the gym about Emme.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) I can't wait to watch her spit a tooth into a bucket.
Terrific.
Good.
Yep.
You have your athlete, I have mine.
(CHUCKLES) See you at the Olympics.
Hey, we just came to drop off the kids.
Why do you have Teddy and Emme? Uncle Don ding-dong-ditched us on their porch.
It was awesome.
We got Grandpa, like, four beers.
Did we come at a bad time? I can always tell when a wife's mad.
If you're fighting, we'll wait in the driveway.
We-we can hear everything from there.
We're not fighting, we're having a disagreement.
Oh, doesn't surprise me.
We know all about your drought.
Ma, that's not what this is about.
Your daughter-in-law organized a teenage orgy in our pantry.
Adam's just mad because I told Kate it was okay to have friends over, and a party happened.
Oh, so what? You and Don always had parties when we left town.
What? No, we didn't.
The hell you didn't! There were more beers in the fridge when we got home than when we left.
That's because this weird neighbor would sometimes bring beers over and we would put them in the fridge for you.
And then he moved away, so you can't ask him.
Was it Sal? Or Daryl? That seems like something he would do.
He's making it up, Bev.
The point is, Andi, we are supposed to parent together, - and she went rogue.
- He went rogue first.
Well, that's a different story.
Nobody likes that.
I had to lay down the law with your mother in '79 - when she took you - Don't you finish that sentence, Joe.
You took Adam to get a perm after I told you not to.
You're darn right I did.
Oh, you looked like one of The Jackson 5.
His hair was so big, a bird got stuck in it.
Hold on, hold on, I have an important question.
You had a perm? No.
Stop talking.
This family talks too much.
Goodbye.
He wanted to express himself, and I supported him.
No father should see his son under a beauty shop hair dryer reading Good Housekeeping.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING): Can't believe a word they say.
Well, it makes me feel better that we're not the first parents arguing about this stuff.
It probably goes all the way back to the Old West.
Ain't that right, Sheriff? Well, I reckon so.
Madam Prostitute.
I'm a pioneer woman.
Sheesh.
Let it go.
Fine, fine, fine.
Maybe for our anniversary.
I I'm sorry for going behind your back with Teddy.
Me, too, with Kate.
- Going rogue is a bad idea.
- You're right.
So we're not gonna do that anymore, right? Right.
Well, there's hundreds of scary movies, and I'm too afraid to watch them alone.
(STAMMERS) We'll go case by case.
Fair enough.
Hey, you got any pictures of you with that perm? No.
No.
- No, I burned them all.
- (GROANS) That's too bad.
You might get lucky if you did.
I know exactly where one is.
Morning, fellas.
What a day, huh? Have you ever seen a sky that blue? Well, somebody sure has cheered up.
Yeah, worked everything out.
Instead of grounding Katie, her punishment is Teddy has to sleep in her room.
So in the parents' room, well, let's just say there's a new sheriff in town.
Yeah, well, my streak is over.
Marcy said choosing sex over family is a turnoff.
And then she started listing all the other things I do that are turnoffs.
It was a real bad night.
Well, you have my sympathies.
As a single man, I understand how hard celibacy can be.
Here.
Let me help you with that.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Take it easy, buddy.
Some guys just can't handle a drought.