Man with a Plan (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

Adam's Ribs

1 (PLAYING OUT OF TUNE) Hey.
If we have to listen, you have to listen.
- Oh.
- (APPLAUSE) Well, I just loved it, Emme.
I loved it, too.
I don't think I'll ever forget it.
I can't wait for my recital.
(SOFT LAUGHTER) It's a two-hour concert, Adam.
What if she's the best one? Uh, we'll boo.
Other people's kids need to know the truth.
Oh, hey, Katie, by the way, there's a new Godzilla movie out.
What? I said there's a new Godzilla movie out.
We've been to every one.
You want to go this weekend? Thanks, but I'm okay.
Well, I know you're okay, I was just wondering if you want to see a movie.
What? Never mind.
(SIGHS) "I'm okay"? What the heck is "I'm okay"? "I'm okay" is a nice way of saying, "I'd rather do nothing alone than something with you.
" She used to love doing stuff with me.
Well, I'll see the movie with you.
Eh, thanks, but I'm okay.
Honey, don't take it personally, all right? Maybe she doesn't like Godzilla movies anymore.
(SCOFFS) Andi, everybody likes Godzilla.
Not me.
I-I don't get it.
I-Is he a dinosaur, a-a dragon? Maybe he destroys cities 'cause he doesn't know what he is.
He was created by an atomic explosion.
See, the radiation Y-You know what? I'm not explaining it to you again.
Look, honey, Kate's getting older.
Okay? You're the parent.
It's your job to figure out how to connect with her.
Yeah, I just need to find something we have in common.
Used to be Godzilla, now I have no idea.
- Planet of the Apes, maybe? - Eh Hey, Dad, can you drop me at the mall after school tomorrow? (MOUTHS) N-No problem.
I am always here for you.
Hey, how about a hug? Huh? Aww.
Huh? That was no hug.
It's like she bumped into me by accident.
Yeah, the good hug days are over.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't get them anymore, either.
You know what? It does not make me feel any better.
You're not gonna believe this.
I won the lottery.
Oh, my God.
How much? The barbecue ribs lottery.
Oh, my God.
How much? What is a ribs lottery? I-It's for Frank's Underground Barbecue.
He's a backyard chef who randomly texts people from his list when a new batch of ribs is ready if you're not gonna know about Godzilla, at least know about Frank.
Oh.
This is the perfect way to connect with Katie.
She loves ribs.
Yeah, you know, when she was little, I used to take her for barbecue on my motorcycle.
You put my baby on the back of your motorcycle? Come pick them up with me.
We can put the ribs in Emme's old car seat.
Safety first.
(LAUGHS) - Ooh.
- Whoa Check out those ribs, Andi.
You know, you look at cows, and they're kind of ugly, but when you chop them up into little pieces, - they're beautiful.
- ADAM (LAUGHS): Yeah.
You know, we almost didn't find Frank's Barbecue.
We had to follow the smoke in the sky, like when they choose a new pope.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Katie, look, I got all your favorites.
Ribs, mac and cheese, pork and beans.
Actually, I'm a vegan now.
What? I'm a vegan.
I don't eat meat anymore.
Why? Wait, we can do that? You always say we have to eat whatever Mom makes, even if it's gross.
Like her Andi Patties.
Why won't you tell us what's in them? Because I want you to eat them.
So you're a vegan now, huh? Good for you.
I call Kate's ribs.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look, honey, we don't allow vegans in this house.
Okay? When you're older, and you build a house with your bare hands, you can let vegans in it.
You didn't build this house.
I installed the icemaker.
Adam, what I'm hearing is that Kate has a new interest, which you might be interested in connecting to.
I can't connect to that.
She eats plants.
I eat food you have to hunt.
It's a cow, Adam.
I didn't say it was hard.
So is vegan like vegetarian? Uh, what things can't you eat? Well, there's meat, fish, cheese, milk, butter.
But those are all the things.
They showed us a documentary about it at school, and if you guys could've seen the faces on those animals, you'd agree with me.
This is a terrible idea.
Think of your mother.
She's gonna have to cook two different dinners every night.
Well, you could cook one.
I am on your side, here.
Don, help me out? No can do.
The ribs are kicking in.
Time to take a meat nap.
Mom, Emme and I decided to only eat cake now.
If Kate gets to go vegan, than we get to go caken.
Well, my Andi Patties could be made of cake.
You don't know.
I think they're made of ear wax.
Okay, go upstairs, please.
You see? Your vegan kick has started a house-wide rebellion.
If you'd just watch the documentary with me, you'd get it.
Look, I brought home a copy.
"Apocalypse Cow"? Thanks, but I'm okay.
This is your chance to connect with her.
Yeah, well, I don't agree with her, I am top of the food chain.
When a cow installs an icemaker, I will stop eating it.
You don't have to really be interested, you just fake it.
Like, like, I do when Teddy tells me about his video games.
"Mom, I zapped a space trooper.
" "That's great honey.
" Hug.
You think if I watch that movie with Katie, she'll hug me? She might go full koala.
All right, I'll try it.
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES) Remember when the kids were all over us all the time? (LAUGHS SOFTLY) - Maybe we should have another baby.
- Really? No, no, I'll try this.
Before we start, I just want you to know it means a lot that you'll watch this with me.
Hey, I like spending time with you.
But this movie is not gonna change how I feel.
I know how the sausage is made, and it's delicious.
(CRYING): I did not know how the sausage was made.
And why'd they name the chickens after famous people? That just made us sadder when they got eaten.
Poor Anne Hatch-away.
And what about her husband, Eggy Van Halen? He's heartbroken, she was the one.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm done with meat.
- What? - I mean it, Katie.
I'm going vegan with you.
Really? I love you, Dad.
I love you, honey.
Oh, oh, are we done? Okay.
Hey, I'll get Mom to do it, too.
You're the best.
Brace yourself.
I've got big news.
Katie hugged me.
Aww, that's great.
And all you had to do was fake some interest.
Parenting's easy.
That's the other thing.
I'm not faking.
I am going vegan.
(LAUGHS): Yeah, right.
I am.
- Oh, also, I told her you'd do it too.
- What? It bought me another hug, I'm not sorry.
What s-so now if I don't do it, I look like a jerk.
All you had to do was fake it.
I couldn't.
The movie was too powerful.
There was this cow, his name was Paul MooCartney and and do you know what veal is? How can we be Parmesan-ing those little guys? So Kate really hugged you? (CHUCKLES): Yeah, like this.
- Oh.
Wow.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
Last time I got a hug like that, I had to buy her a phone.
But even then she hugged the phone tighter.
Okay, I'll do it.
Oh, this is gonna be so great.
We'll be healthier, happier and huggier.
Okay, but-but, hey, I just, I need to know - that you're really committed.
- Well (SCOFFS) Don't you remember when you promised to do couples yoga with me? You didn't even make it through one class.
That lady touched my rear end.
She was the instructor, and she was adjusting your pose.
She made it halfway to third base, Andi.
But this isn't like that.
I promise, I am fully committed.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Wait.
You do know that going vegan means no more McNuggets, right? I hadn't thought of that.
(GRUNTS) I can do it.
So here's what we've prepared for your first vegan experience.
Yeah.
These nuggets are made of tofu, so they're chick-none nuggets.
Okay? They taste just like chicken, but wet.
Eat it like an oyster.
And this is macaroni and cashew cheese.
Yeah, all the fun of cashews, but in a paste.
So you're trying to feed me nut cheese? Look, I know it's a big adjustment, but there is an upside.
We get to act superior by telling everybody we're vegan.
And we're saving animals' lives.
Yeah, that, too.
Yeah, and we had a vegan breakfast.
Bathroom-wise, it's much more efficient.
Okay, first bite starts the clock, so I don't recommend eating in the car.
Bon appétit, everyone.
Don! It was a primitive instinct.
I ate poison and my body rejected it.
All right, well, that-that-that's okay.
It takes a little getting used to, but it's for the animals.
Right, Katie? That's right, Dad.
This is even worse than Andi Patties.
Yeah, it tastes like an Andi Patty's butt.
Enough of this beatnik nonsense.
Don, get those ribs out of the fridge.
Dad, we don't eat that anymore.
I didn't spend the Christmas of '66 dodging bullets in a rice paddy to eat snot nuggets.
You have to decide right now, are you a vegan or an American? You're missing the point.
Those ribs came from an innocent cow.
Cows are designed to be eaten.
They're made of steak and cheese.
You know what? You two are a bad influence, so these ribs are going where they belong, - in the trash.
- I'm proud of you, honey.
Thank you.
Now, who wants a soy-glazed mushroom cutlet? Donny, you know what to do.
I'm one step ahead of you, Pop.
What? You think the trash is gonna scare me? In the service, they called me The Raccoon.
(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE) Okay, okay, sweetie.
So beautiful.
(CHUCKLES) Um, why don't you go get dressed for your recital? I'm not going too fancy.
I'll let my music speak for itself.
Never lose that confidence, sweetie.
Ugh.
What? Oh, who leaves a half-eaten Slim Jim in their backpack? It's all covered with lint and hair and deliciousness.
ADAM: Andi! Put down that Slim Jim.
Too late.
It wasn't too late.
You saw me and then you ate it.
And now it's too late.
Just don't tell Kate, okay? This vegan thing is working for me, too.
This morning, she took out an earbud and voluntarily spoke to me.
She she said, "Can I have ten dollars?" I'm not gonna tell Katie because I enjoy having the moral high ground.
The view's nice, I've never been up here before.
Hey, Mom, thank you so much for buying me those strawberry snack bars.
Oh, honey, you're welcome.
No, seriously, it means a lot that you support my choices.
Aw.
- Your mom ate a Slim Jim.
- (GASPS) - What? - Yeah.
She barely chewed it, she was like a seal with a fish.
Oh, Mom.
Your mother's betrayal must be very hard for you.
Come on, let's hug it out.
Well, I'm not that upset.
No, no, it's for your own good.
Okay, Don's all set up in the back to record Emme's recital.
He's so tall, no one can block him.
He's like a giraffe with a camera.
Don't act like everything's fine.
You sold me out to Kate.
I had to.
There's only a limited amount of hugs until she goes to college.
I'm getting as many as I can.
What about me? You're fine, the breastfeeding years were like one long hug for you.
It's my time.
BOTH: Hi.
Yes, we're arguing, but life is complicated for us because we're vegan.
Yeah, that's right, full-blown vegan.
Well, some of us are.
She cheated on me.
With jerky.
And I am back on the wagon.
Yeah, I made a chicken for Teddy and Emme today, I wasn't even tempted.
I saved the gizzards for Andi Patties.
ANNOUNCER: Next up, Emme Burns.
Oh, there she is.
That's our daughter.
(EMME PLAYS SCREECHY RECORDER) She's not a vegan.
This is a great gig.
I just made 40 bucks charging short moms to videotape their kids.
Don, this is my kid's school.
I should get half.
(CELL PHONE BUZZES) Ugh.
Look at this.
I finally get picked for Frank's barbecue and I can't have it.
It's like when my high school teacher hit on me after I was married.
Ah, Miss Popovich.
She made algebra sexy.
I wore a tank top for four years, nothing.
Married six months, here she comes.
I'll just text and say I don't want the ribs.
Whoa, don't do that.
I'll take them.
Well, if you want them, go get them yourself.
I can't, they check your ID.
- Ugh.
- Come on, you owe me.
You threw my ribs in the garbage.
I didn't get any.
Raccoons don't share.
Okay, fine, I'll go, but Andi can never know.
I snitched on her for sneaking jerky and she's looking for revenge.
You guys have a weird marriage.
- Will you please? - Okay, I'll cover for you.
Okay, just, uh, oh, tell Andi I went home to use the bathroom.
I'm a vegan, she'll believe it.
Okay, Emme went to a sleepover.
Where's Adam? Oh, he was having vegan problems, so he went home to use the bathroom.
Why wouldn't he use the bathroom here? Well, because he wanted to stop on the way and get Emme flowers because the recital was so good.
Okay, now I know you're lying.
Where is he? Fine, he's sleeping with his high school teacher.
Don.
Okay, okay, he won the barbecue lottery.
He went to pick up the ribs.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Mister Holier-Than-Thou is getting ribs while-while I'm an outcast for eating a hairy, backpack Slim Jim? He's not getting them for himself, he's giving them to me.
Come on, Don, we both know better.
He can't resist barbecue.
His first time alone in the car with those ribs will be like his first time alone in a car with me.
Lots of grabbing, heavy breathing, and windows steaming up.
- He's not doing that to my ribs.
- Let's go.
ADAM: Smell good all you want, I'm taking you to Don's.
I'm doing this for Katie and Anne Hatch-away, and Veal Patrick Harris.
Aw, who am I kidding? I can't control myself.
This is just like my first time alone in the car with Andi.
I'm sorry, Katie.
I saw his truck.
He's here with those ribs.
I smell it.
The meat is near.
Good boy, Don, good boy.
(SNORING) Classic meat nap.
Look how happy he is.
I'm going to get the hose.
Wait, Andi, let's remember what's important here.
Okay, let him have it.
Okay, I'm sorry I ate the ribs.
Lay it on me, I deserve it.
No, you know what? This makes sense 'cause for a couple hours today I was thinking you were better than me, and then I was like, "Well, that can't be right.
" And look, it's not.
The thing is, I can't be a vegan.
It's like asking Godzilla not to stomp on Tokyo.
He has to do it, it's who he is.
You gonna tell Kate? Well, yeah, I can't let her hug a lie.
She deserves the truth.
I'll-I'll go tell her now.
Hey, maybe bring her one of those strawberry snack bars to soften her up.
Got me a hug.
- Katie? - I'm sorry.
I saw chicken in the fridge and I couldn't resist.
I love meat too much.
So do I! I just ate a half a cow.
Really? That makes me feel so much better.
Oh, and this hug is even nicer because we both smell like meat.
Nah! Ah Ah, that was some good chicken.
Mm.
Anne Hatch-away and her finger-licking friends went out in a blaze of glory.
And we put out that blaze with honey mustard.
(LAUGHS): Yeah.
I do feel kind of bad for giving up though.
Hey, how about this? We'll keep eating meat, but we'll donate to the animal rights people.
Really? Yeah.
We'll do whatever we want, but we'll give a little money to the people who do the right thing.
Okay? And that is how you get around that.