Man with a Plan (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

Adam Acts His Age

1 Here's to the sale of our flip house.
Much like me, it looks good on the outside, but it has a questionable foundation.
- (LAUGHTER) - Cheers.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't jinx this thing.
The buyers can still back out until the end of business today, which is in four three - Too late, suckers! - (LAUGHTER) Whoo! They're stuck with it! I mean, good for them.
It's a lovely home.
All right, Don and I have a big surprise.
The house sold for more than we expected.
We're putting most of the money aside to buy another flip, but But there's enough left for everyone to get a nice bonus.
(GASPING AND OOHING) I was gonna do that part.
Yeah, but I wanted to do it.
Look how much they like me now.
All I ask is that you don't do anything practical with the money.
Reward yourselves.
Like, Don and I are using our bonuses to celebrate my 50th birthday Burns style.
- Ah! - (LAUGHS) Whatever it is, I'm in.
We're doing a week-long dirt bike ride in Colorado down a gnarly trail called the Devil's Tailpipe.
I'm out.
But I'd be back in if you wanted to go to the lake and paddle around in a swan boat? Burns men don't do swan boats, Lowell.
You're just gonna have to let that coupon expire.
Sweetie? I say this with love.
But, um, you're turning 50.
I think the window may have closed on you riding a motorcycle down Satan's Butt Crack.
Devil's Tailpipe.
50, huh? (CHUCKLES) That means you were 16 when I was born.
You could've driven my mother to the hospital to have me.
No more old jokes.
Got it.
Okay, look, I have only ever had two things on my bucket list: the Devil's Tailpipe and Angelina Jolie.
Angelina's just a lady with a bunch of kids now, (CHUCKLES): and I already have one of those.
- I just don't want you to get hurt.
- Well, I What do you think about Don going on this trip? I don't like it.
Hey, best-case scenario, I come home reenergized and happy.
Worst-case scenario, my life insurance is paid and you're rich.
Okay, I'm coming around.
Okay, it's time to open presents.
Look at all these gifts.
You told me people were just bringing best wishes.
Happy birthday, little brother.
I wish you the best.
That's from me and Marcy.
All right, hey, Mom and Dad.
Thanks for whatever this is.
It's a sock puller-upper.
To help you put on your socks.
Happy birthday, son.
You've bent over for the last time.
I can put my own socks on.
I'm not old, I'm middle-aged.
50 isn't middle-aged, it's two-thirds aged.
Happy birthday to you.
Open mine.
I love surprising people.
It's a GoPro camera.
I couldn't wait.
- Andi got you a shirt.
- Lowell! This is cool! I could take this to the Devil's Tailpipe! I can't believe you're really doing that.
Doing what? What's the Devil's Tailpipe? Is it a sex club? Oh, Adam.
Yes, Ma, I'm going to a sex club on my birthday.
And I'm announcing it in front of the whole family.
You want to go? No, your son wants to ride a motorcycle down the side of a mountain.
And he hasn't been on a dirt bike in years.
I'll be fine.
You're only as old as you feel, and I feel like a kid.
This morning, I put a banana between two oranges at the breakfast table - and I laughed for ten minutes.
- (LAUGHTER) I don't get it.
What's funny about a healthy breakfast? Look, Adam, you know that, as you've aged, you've had to give some things up.
Even things you love.
Remember sauerkraut? - I did love sauerkraut.
- Mm-hmm.
I miss it every damn day.
But sauerkraut has hurt way more people than motorcycles.
Let him go, Andi.
Believe me.
A day will come when all your husband wants to do is just sit on the couch.
- Where do you want me to go, Bev? - I don't know.
How about a nice nature walk? I've already taken a nice nature walk.
It's called Vietnam.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Adam Happy birthday to you.
Thanks, everyone.
Aw, um, here's to 50 years young.
Whoo! Ha-ha! Ah, oh! - Oh.
- What's wrong? (GROANS) Did you just throw your back out blowing out your birthday candles? Of course not.
I'm relishing this precious moment.
It's so emotional, I think I need to be alone.
Don, come be alone with me.
Look at this.
I'm walking like an old guy 'cause I'm 50.
(LAUGHS) (GROANING) Okay, don't tell anyone, but I hurt my back.
I don't need to tell anyone.
You look like a boomerang.
If Andi thinks I'm hurt, there's no way she'll let me go on our dirt bike trip.
You got, you got to straighten my back out.
All right, got it.
- (SCREAMS) - (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) - (GASPS) - How do you feel now? Worse! Okay.
Okay, well, that's good.
You're supposed to feel worse, and then it gets better.
You put me back the way I was.
I can't take this.
(SIGHS) Right.
(SCREAMS) How do you feel now? Much worse.
Okay, good, good.
We're making progress.
Okay, now you're gonna have to trust me on this.
Whoa-whoa-whoa, what's the rake for? For you to bite down on.
This is gonna hurt.
All right, let's party.
Are you seriously pretending to be okay right now? Why? So you can take that trip down Lucifer's Heinie? I'm not pretending.
I have never felt better.
Which is why I will be riding the Devil's Tailpipe.
And your mocking names only make me want to go more.
Well, if you feel fine, why don't you try out your birthday present from the kids? Huh? (GRUNTS) - That's a bowling ball.
- Yeah.
Pick it up.
I already have one.
Don, why don't you take it? Mm, I can't pick that up.
I, uh, I sort of tweaked my neck - when I was trying to fix your - (MUTTERS) ack-bay.
Nice work.
She'll never crack that code.
All right, you are not going on that trip.
Okay, you are a 50-year-old man who injured himself blowing out candles.
Okay! I hurt my back.
A little.
But I'll be fine in a couple of days.
Adam, I am the protector of this family, okay? I told Kate, "No, you can't zip-line over a volcano.
" And I told Teddy, "No, you can't jump over Emme with your bicycle.
" And now, I am telling you, "No," okay? You cannot ride the "Make Me Raise Our Kids Alone" Trail.
(EXHALES) What if I get a note from a doctor saying I am good to go? Well, yeah.
Best of luck.
(CHUCKLES) Just hope that note's not too heavy for you to pick up.
(SIGHS) Dad, that's stealing.
This stuff is complimentary.
Like the soaps and coffeemakers in hotel rooms.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in.
Well these back X-rays look good for a man your age, Joe.
Those are my X-rays.
That's not good.
You do any strenuous activities lately? Well, I'm in construction, so there's a lot of hammering, climbing ladders, lifting stuff, you know.
What my boy is trying to say is he hurt his back blowing out some birthday candles.
Well, that's just part of getting older.
Okay, here's the deal.
I have a trip planned to ride a dirt bike down a mountain in Colorado.
It's been a lifelong dream.
Can I do it? You know, my lifelong dream was to be a jazz pianist.
If I had done that, I could play you a sad song right now about how you can't go on that trip.
In my professional opinion, you pulled something.
Huh, did you get that from the X-ray, or from when I walked in and said, "I think I pulled something.
" Here's a list of stretches you can do to help the healing process.
We, uh, had a bunch of Popsicles on the way over.
So, Lowell, what are you gonna do with your bonus? I'm trying to decide between a savings bond or a potbellied pig.
Well, y-you got to go with the pig.
If things get tough, you can't make a sandwich out of a savings bond.
Well, I am gonna hire a photographer to take a family picture of us in matching outfits.
And it's gonna look a little something like this.
Kids? This is the least happy I've ever been.
Not cool, Mom.
I look like I just escaped polygamy.
No, you look like you just escaped the cute farm.
Oh, hey, Joe.
How's Adam? (GROANS) (CHUCKLES) That's some fancy lingerie, little brother.
Dad, are you okay? And if you are, help us.
- Uh, kids, why don't you go get changed.
- (SIGHS) So? How was the doctor? The motorcycle trip's off.
He said I can't go.
I've been diagnosed with excessive oldness.
But on the way out, the nurse told me I'm an inch shorter than I used to be, so I got that.
Well, then I should double-check.
You may not be tall enough for the swan boat.
We're not doing the swan boat, Lowell.
- Honey, are-are you okay? - I'm fine.
What about me doesn't seem fine? Pretty much the whole package.
Well, I guess you were right.
It's time to act my age, so from now on, this couch is where I will be living.
With my dad.
Well, hold on, hold on.
You're-you're not that age, either.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not 20 anymore.
Yeah, but you're not 70.
I am if you round up.
Oh I can't even put on my own socks.
(CHUCKLES, GROANS) (SIGHS): Oh, that's nice.
Welcome to the promised land, boy.
(BOTH LAUGH) BOTH: Yeah Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Yeah.
I'm married to Joe.
(BOTH LAUGH, SIGH) TV REPORTER: New England is enjoying a warm spell, but a low pressure system is moving in.
There's a twist I did not see coming.
Low pressure's a sneaky bastard.
Okay, I think it's time to get off the couch.
Okay? It's been a week.
Wha I would remind you, I have a back injury.
I can't get up now; this weather lady's about to stick a ruler in the snow.
Ah, Joe, there you are.
Let's go.
You promised we'd take a walk in the park.
Man, she's sneaky.
Your mother's a damn low pressure system.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) A walk is the least you can do since you won't exercise with me at my gym.
You just want to parade me around that gym in front of your gal pals like a show pony.
Well, now I can parade you in front of my gal pals at the park.
At this point, I just hope a hawk flies off with me.
Oh, what's this? (GASPS) Why, it's the stretching exercises the doctor gave you.
Exercise number one: get up.
Hey, you need to embrace my new lifestyle.
Hey, you always wanted a cat.
Think of me as a cat that can tell you the weather.
- Hey, how about this? - Hmm.
Maybe we go upstairs and fool around.
That's your favorite exercise.
(CHUCKLES) I don't think I'll be doing much of that anymore.
Everything is connected to the back.
Even the front.
All right.
That's it.
Adam, I want you to go on this motorcycle trip.
What? If you do the stretches that the doctor gave you and your back gets better, I am fine with it.
I thought you were worried I'd get hurt.
Yeah, well, now I'm more worried about your mind than I am your body.
You just turned down daytime sex.
I mean, usually, if I just stop moving, you take it as a go sign.
Not true.
I pretty much leave you alone when you're sleeping.
I want my husband back.
You are Adam Burns.
Okay? The man who, last Fourth of July, forgot to put on sunscreen but still held his daughter on his bright red shoulders so she could see the fireworks.
When she got down, it was like peeling off two giant Band-Aids.
Yeah, but you did it.
You're damn right I did.
You've never backed down before, and you are not gonna back down now, so get up.
I'm getting up! Get me up! And I'm gonna start doing those exercises.
Yeah, yeah, you're not old.
You're just aged, like a good cheese.
So get moving.
Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules To fight the rising odds? Late at night, I toss and I turn And dream of what I need - - I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light He's got to be sure, and it's got to be soon Got to be larger than life I need a hero - Hey.
- Hey.
Having a protein shake? Uh, chocolate shake.
I've earned it.
I put on my own socks today.
I am so proud.
Well, wait, it gets better.
I also went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health.
Plus, a bill for some stuff Dad stole.
I'm riding the Devil's Tailpipe, baby.
I can't believe I'm this excited about you doing something - so insane.
- Ah, but it won't be.
Don and I rented a couple dirt bikes to train on so we'll be ready.
If only you and Don had rented a birthday cake to train on, none of this would've happened.
Ready to ride? We're just going around the block.
Why are you dressed like a Power Ranger? Why are you dressed like Bob the Builder? Okay, truce.
- Let's do this.
- Yeah.
I'm back! (LAUGHS) My back! Are you okay? D-Did you crash? I turned my head to change lanes.
And then you crashed? No, but I felt my back tighten up.
- And then you crashed? - No, there was no crash! I turned my head and threw my back out.
It was the birthday cake all over again.
All of a sudden, he slowed down.
Kid on a tricycle blew by him, then he just wobbled to a stop.
It was hard to watch.
I want to forget the bike trip and never talk about it again.
It's dead to me, like sauerkraut! - Adam, I'm so sorry.
- Well, what about me? I got to walk back to get his bike.
When you're in a suit like this with no motorcycle under you, people say hurtful things.
ANDI: Here's your muscle rub and some aspirin.
Or as your dad calls it, brunch.
Maybe that'll help get me moving.
(CHUCKLES, GRUNTS) I'm sorry, I can't get up.
No, no, no, it's okay.
You rest.
Okay? I-I'll refill your water, okay? Whoa! Got it.
(LAUGHS) So your back seems fine, Adam.
That-that muscle rub is a miracle.
It just had to be in the same room with me.
What's going on? Okay.
I'm not hurt.
I I just got spooked.
I haven't been on a dirt bike in a long time, and they're really fast now; it was like riding a rocket.
And I started thinking, as I accidentally jumped a ditch.
I got kids at home.
If something happens to me, you'd have to raise them on your own.
And you'd just dress them up funny all the time.
I know you would, and I can't do that to them.
So you faked being hurt so you wouldn't have to go.
If I can hurt my back blowing out candles, what is gonna happen to me on the Devil's Tailpipe? And if Don's the only one there to help me, I'll die.
Yeah, I mean, the only thing you're gonna get from him - is his best wishes.
- (SCOFFS) I I hate to admit it, but I really am getting older.
No! (GASPS) You're the first one.
(CHUCKLES): All right, all right.
Look, I'm just saying, there comes a time when you have to give up on some of your dreams.
Well Wait.
You know, I did some research, and there are other rides.
You know, uh, maybe instead of the Devil's Tailpipe, you could pick a less intense trail, like Marshmallow Flats.
See, there are pictures, and the guys riding Marshmallow Flats, they they look a lot more like you.
I could ride the heck out of Marshmallow Flats.
Wha Yeah, this sounds really nice.
There's a deli in the middle.
And-and a bed-and- breakfast along the way.
A soft bed would be nice after a long day of riding.
See? It's all about your perspective.
A-And I haven't lost my taste for danger.
Okay? At that deli, I'm getting sauerkraut on my Rueben.
I'm doing it, Andi.
I can handle it.
- You'll pack Tums.
- I'll pack Tums.
Because with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom (STAMMERS) Tums.
EMME: My eyes are closed.
TEDDY: I was mid-sneeze.
We look real cult-y, Mom.
No, I look great.
And it's my bonus so it's going up.
You know, if one of us ever breaks the law, this is gonna be the picture they put on the news.
- You're back.
And alive.
- Mhm.
How was Marshmallow Flats? - Soft and flat.
I loved it.
- Aww.
I don't wanna brag, but I got told to slow down at least five times.
Why is he still wearing his gear? I don't think he knows how to get out of it.
What happened to him? Did he crash? No, we just spent a lot of time at that deli, and tough guy over there wouldn't take the Tums.
It burns, too much pastrami.
Looks like he's gonna be riding the Devil's Pipe after all.