Man with a Plan (2016) s03e10 Episode Script

We Don't Need Another Hero

ADAM: I'm telling you, Teddy, you looked great at baseball today.
All we need to work on is hitting.
And throwing and catching.
Everything else you got locked down.
- Thanks.
- (CHUCKLES) Hey, when we get home, can I finally drive your truck up the driveway? I wish you could, but you remember our deal.
You have to be taller than that mark I put on your bedroom door.
But I keep growing, and I never get any closer.
It's weird.
It's like the mark is getting higher.
That is weird.
Hey, hey, no feet on the dashboard.
You want to drive Grey Thunder someday, show some respect.
- Sorry, Grey Thunder.
- Yeah.
I'm just looking out for you.
It's like I always say, you get what you want BOTH: By knowing what other people want.
That's right.
That's right.
And when you're older, if you get in your girlfriend's car and put your feet up on the dashboard, that date does not end in a smooch.
I want the smooch; that's the only reason I play baseball.
(CHUCKLES) That's the only reason we do anything.
So how's school? I got an English paper back today, and I got an "A.
" Right on.
(CHUCKLES) I had to write an essay on who my hero is.
Your hero, huh? Enough said.
Hey, Teddy.
How was baseball? Did you face the right way this time? Nothing hit me.
Hey, this season's shaping up.
What's, uh, what-what's this? "Just dream"? Oh, yeah.
I painted it myself.
What do you think? Well, I think if you want something for our neighbors to read, how about "tell your husband to close the blinds when he showers"?! Okay, well, I don't have to, because you yell it at him every time you get the paper.
I think the chair is inspiring.
Well, if you want inspiration, there's something very special in Teddy's backpack.
Uh-oh, did he leave another ham sandwich in there? I'm not digging that deep.
I'm gonna stay in the upper half, where everything's dry.
Here it is.
Why don't you read this grade A work of literature aloud while I make room for it on the fridge.
Let's see.
"'My Hero, ' by Teddy Burns.
" (CHUCKLES) "Who is my hero? This question is easy.
My hero is my mother, Andi Burns"? (GASPS) Very funny.
Read-read the real one.
No, no, no, no, look.
Look, honey, I thought for sure it was gonna be you.
It says "mom" everywhere on here.
This is gonna look great on the fridge.
Here's your cocoa, Emme.
I gave you extra marshmallows.
- Thanks, Daddy.
- (CHUCKLING): Yeah.
You know, in a few years, you're gonna get an assignment at school.
Something about a hero.
And you know what rhymes with "hero"? Marshmallow.
Daddy, marshmallow, hero.
That's how you remember that.
- Okay.
I'm going outside.
- Okay.
Hey, sit in my new chair.
And don't forget to dream.
Maybe dream about the guy who gave you marshmallows.
Hey, where'd Teddy's essay go? Oh, that? I-I thought it looked better on the back of the pantry door.
You hid my essay? - Why, so people wouldn't see it? - No.
We're talking about the pantry here.
Tons of foot traffic.
And the-the pantry is really the heart of the home.
Yeah, that's where all our favorite stuff is.
The snacks and the-the, the, uh, broom.
What are you doing? Nothing.
(CHUCKLES) What are you doing? I think I'm watching you make an ass of yourself.
I'm fine.
You're the one who's cursing.
Is it the essay? Maybe we should just get rid of that thing.
It is tearing this family apart.
You're jealous.
I know.
Get ahold of yourself, man.
I can't! Why don't you just take comfort in that fact that, even though Teddy didn't pick you, he picked the person that you love the most in the world? You heroes make me sick.
Uh, sorry, I-I missed that last part, 'cause all I heard was, "You hero.
" Yeah, everything's funny to the person on the fridge.
Come on, are you really gonna make this a thing? I'm not making it a thing.
You're the one moonwalking in the end zone.
Well, I think I deserve it.
I mean, after all, I did give birth to him.
On a bed.
I had to stand in a cold delivery room for seven hours.
Not to mention you got $20,000 worth of drugs.
I couldn't even get a Coke! I know, I crossed the line.
So I'm gonna go sit in your chair and dream I never said it.
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY) If it makes you feel any better, you're my hero.
Can you stand in front of my refrigerator and say that to everyone that walks by? Can I bring a stool? Look, all I'm saying is, if it's not on a piece of paper, it doesn't help me.
It's not too late to win Teddy over.
He's a 12-year-old boy.
All you have to do is save the planet from aliens.
I'm a little short on aliens right now, Don.
I'm just the idea man here.
Afternoon, men.
Hey, Pop, I'm ready.
My tackle box is in the truck.
- Where you guys going? - Fishing.
When did you make this plan? Last night at dinner.
You guys had dinner? Yeah, before bingo.
You guys played bingo? Maybe get your ears checked.
You don't hear so good.
Good one, Pop.
- We'll laugh about that on the boat.
- (LAUGHS) (BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING) Did you see that? They're going fishing without me.
Well, maybe let your dad and your brother not wanting to spend time with you take your mind off your son not looking up to you.
I could have said that better.
How could Teddy not think I'm his hero? I'm the greatest man he's ever known.
Maybe you're too humble.
That's it.
I am good at a lot of things, and one of the things I'm best at is being humble.
Makes sense.
See, the problem is, I haven't been showing Teddy my best qualities.
He only sees me as Dad.
I need to show him the man behind the dad.
Well, until then, you're my hero, and per your request, here it is, documented on paper.
Thanks, Lowell, but it's not really the same thing.
It does spruce up the office, though.
Teddy, look what I found.
The Adam Burns Golden Box of Childhood Accomplishments.
Huh? Isn't that the box Mom's always asking you to throw away? That's 'cause she's jealous.
Where's her box, huh? I didn't think so.
You see, I don't think you know who your old man really is.
All right? Like, check this out.
"Local 4-H boy saves cow, delivers emergency calf.
" That boy, your dad.
I believe a couple paragraphs down they call me a hero.
You put your hand up a cow's butt? What? No.
It wasn't the butt.
What was it, then? (STAMMERING) Well, it's complicated.
(CLEARS THROAT) Why, what else is back there? Uh Fine, it was the butt.
Hey, did you find me a spider? Yeah.
I can always find one on the rowing machine that Marcy swore she would use every day.
I think he was living in her web of lies.
(CHUCKLES) Great, I'm gonna use it to impress Teddy.
My cow butt article didn't do anything.
Then, I remembered that Teddy's really scared of spiders.
Now, I might not be able to save him from aliens, but I can save him from one of those.
I'm glad you listened to the smart guy for once.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa, almost drank a spider.
Yeah, close one.
- Mm.
- Now, listen.
When Teddy comes down, you act scared, I'll kill the spider and look like a hero.
Huh? All right.
Teddy, your snack is ready! Okay, let him go.
No, no, no, you do it.
He saw my face when I grabbed him.
He's already mad at me.
There's nothing in here.
Maybe he's on the lid.
Whoa, it's on my hand! Where'd it go? - Where'd what go? - There's a spider loose in here.
What?! Where?! Why are you running to him? Because it's on you.
What?! What's going on? There was a spider on me, Andi.
Wha? Done.
You used my Golden Accomplishment.
That was incredible, Mom.
You really are a hero.
(SCOFFS) I stood up the whole time you were being born.
She just laid there.
High as a kite! Hey, buddy.
You need a little help with your homework? I'm an ace at it.
You might even call me a homework hero.
(CHUCKLES) That'd be great; it's math.
Okay hit me.
How do I factor a polynomial? Hey, you want to drive my truck up the driveway? What are we gonna do? - I said go right.
- I did go right.
Your other right.
(SIGHS) Ah, here comes Mom, she's gonna kill me.
Wha Okay, uh, all right, you go in the house.
I'll take the hit.
Which, if you have to do another hero essay, might be something you think about! What happened to my chair? My inspiring chair? Well, uh, well, it told me to dream, so I dozed off.
Your next chair should say "Don't leave me in the driveway.
" Mm-hmm.
You know what I think happened? - Hmm? - You're still so mad about that essay that you took it out on my chair.
Yeah, you are literally a dream crusher.
That's not true.
Okay, well, what other explanation is there? Teddy did it.
- You let Teddy drive? - Wha He can't even peel a banana.
He just squeezes it into his mouth like a Go-Gurt.
It was just up and down the driveway.
How was I supposed to know he'd be as bad at driving as he is at picking heroes? And there it is.
I'm the dad, he should have picked me.
I mean, yeah, I'm happy for you, blah, blah, blah, you're great.
But fathers and sons? That's deep stuff.
There's hit songs about it.
Uh, the "Cat's in the Cradle," "Danny Boy," that music they play when Darth Vader walks in.
Okay, but, honey, none of this means you're a bad father.
No, no.
It means I'm not even worth mentioning.
You know what it's like? If I am not his hero, what's the point? It's like I have no effect on him.
Oh, hon well, I don't want you to feel like that.
And it's not true.
Uh, the other day, I saw him drinking milk from the carton in his underwear.
He didn't get that from me.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH) All boys pick their dads as their heroes.
I wrote one of those essays in school, too.
Come on, I'll show you.
Oh, is this going to be the golden box of kid junk? It's called the Adam Burns Golden Box of Childhood Accomplishments, and you know it.
Is this it? "Top ten ways I'm exactly like Burt Reynolds.
" "Number one, awesome mustache.
" (LAUGHS) Wait, this is on a 2002 calendar.
W-We were married then.
Here it is.
"'My Hero, ' by Adam Burns.
" Now listen carefully.
You listening? Yeah.
"My hero is a man of integrity who always takes the time to make me feel special.
His name is Ronald McDonald " what? Your dad is Ronald McDonald? Why aren't we rich? I can't believe I didn't pick my dad.
No wonder he doesn't take me fishing.
All these years, his feelings have been hurt.
Come on.
You really think he's so thin-skinned that he would care about a school No, that's people do that, that's a thing.
Hey, Dad, uh, I'm glad you're here.
I-I have something to say to you and it's, uh, kind of, it's kind of delicate.
If you've come to take your mother and me to a home, then I hope you brought backup.
No, no, I just wanted to apologize for something.
When I was a kid, I wrote an essay at school about my hero, and I didn't pick you, and I am really, really sorry.
Son, I've been waiting to hear you say those words for 40 years.
Really? No, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
In sixth grade, I picked Ronald McDonald as my hero instead of you.
So what? I don't care about being your hero.
- You don't? - No.
Because I'm not Teddy's, and it's driving me crazy.
It's like I'm not even there, I have no effect on him.
Oh, so you want to talk about feelings.
Uh, well, your mother's at the mall.
Maybe I can get her on speakerphone.
You know what, I-I'll handle it.
All right, all right, hold your horses, little lady.
Come back over here.
(SIGHS) Don't take this Teddy thing personally.
Kids are what's a nice word for it? Dumb.
They only look up to people who tell them they're great when they're not, and dads don't do that.
Well, no, it doesn't teach 'em anything.
If we were supposed to just hug 'em all the time, - they wouldn't make our faces so scratchy.
- Mm.
My job as a father was to make sure that when you went out in the world, you wouldn't be a jackass.
I'm the guy that told you you weren't funny.
And that's why today you are a little funny.
You think I'm funny? A little, I said.
And you do the same with Teddy.
I tell him what he's doing wrong, so when he grows up, he'll do something right.
As I see it, I did a better job at being a dad than my pop did, and you're doing a better job than I did.
- I'll take that.
- Hmm.
Wait, so if you're not mad about the essay, wh-why do you take Don fishing and not me? He's tall.
He makes a lot of shade.
He's like sitting under a tree that gets you beers.
Also, he needs more coddling than you.
He does.
- He's such a baby.
- Yeah.
But if you want, we can talk about how much I love you, son.
Really? I oobie doobie love you so much.
Come and sit on Daddy's lap.
Well, it was nice there for a second.
A father's work is never done.
Come on, we got a surprise for you.
Teddy, show her what's behind door number one.
What door? Take off the sheet on your right.
Your other right.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, you fixed it.
Oh, I love it.
Yeah, well, wait, wait, wait, there's more.
Teddy, show her.
Huh? We made a set.
"Just dream of beer.
" - Now it says something.
- Aw.
- His and hers.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, Teddy, will you go get a dust rag out of the garage? Look, I just wanted to do this to say I'm sorry for being a little high maintenance about the hero thing.
A little? It was like living with Mariah Carey.
Hey, if moms get to be their sons' heroes, then dads deserve the right to be oversensitive.
You guys have had that for centuries, it's our turn.
All right, then we get to be the next 45 presidents.
Fair enough.
Hey, uh, I meant to tell you I am really proud of you for writing that great essay about your mother.
My plan went perfectly.
What plan? Well, my teacher is a mom, so when I had to pick a hero, I picked my mom.
Like you always say, you get what you want BOTH: By knowing what other people want.
Good job, buddy.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well (SIGHS) I guess we know who your real hero is, huh? - Oh, yeah.
- (LAUGHS) LeBron James.
Great choice.
I need to be alone for a minute.
Strength, integrity, coins behind my ear that's my day, Joe Burns.
And that's why he's my hero.
That's beautiful.
Never gets old, son.
Hey, Adam.
Why don't you read Dad your essay about him being your hero.
You know I didn't write about Dad.
Oh, that's right.
Who did you pick? The Hamburgler, or-or was it Marry McCheese? Dad only takes you fishing for the shade.
You're a beer tree.
- What? - Why are you causing trouble? A brother's work is never done.