Mapleworth Murders (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

The Case of the Case of Wine – Part 3

No. No, no, no. I didn't do this.
Oh, yeah? You are holding
a cork gun in your hand.
You are under arrest, young lady.
That's ridiculous.
She's a college student.
She doesn't have the
energy to murder anyone.
- Pilts.
- Oh. Ha, ha.
Sorry about this. I'll pay
all your legal fees, though.
PAIGE: Now this is a story.
I hope he was dead before
that corkscrew went in.
Yeah. He was like this when I got here.
He was already dead and then
I saw that cork gun thing
and I thought I'd pick it up.
Cork gun? Hmm?
Cork to the eye and you're to blame.
Belt gives cork a bad name.
- Is she trying to rap?
- ABIGAIL: Chief Bills.
I ask you to kindly wait
to take Heidi to jail
until we interrogate Belt one more time.
- We?
- I'm only trying to help.
And learn from your
crime savant expertise.
Make it quick. Pilts, keep an eye on
This one right here.
It's Heidi. For the 50th time.
Take her to the interrogation room.
Which one? Did you have a favorite?
I don't care. Set up traffic cones.
Use your head sometimes.
Use my head? Wouldn't it be faster
if I used my arms and hands?
Everybody, get out!
This is a crime scene!
- Everybody out!
- We're going.
GILBERT: I still think the
bathroom was coolest.
- CHIEF: Are you kidding me?
- ABIGAIL: Oh, my.
What the hell are you doing?
- Get Get out.
- Just taking it in.
Crab penii in a death grip.
Very funny ringtone, Heidi.
Now how did I manage to just order socks
with my dogs' faces on them?
RICHARD: I didn't do it.
Let's stop the bullshit.
Belt, did you or did you not shoot
Brent in the eye with your cork?
I would never hurt, let alone
kill anyone using cork.
Cork is like God's fingertips
in bottles of wine.
- It's obvious you love cork.
- Yes.
You're a real cork hound.
You have a relationship.
- A deep relationship with cork.
- Yes.
Excuse me, Chief.
We tried to bring your
evidence to the car,
but the trunk was locked.
Goddamn it. Belt, don't you move.
You're sitting right
there in your cork hole
until I come back. And I mean it.
I mean it. Don't you move.
- RICHARD: Okay.
- I mean it.
I'm not going anywhere.
Mr. Belt, how angry were you at Julia?
I could never get too angry at her.
She was the only one who
understood my passion for cork.
She understood that
I needed it in my life.
I've always wanted to ask her on a date,
but I sensed that she belonged
with someone else.
Still, to go with her to a sports bar,
and brush her hair out of her eyes
and just give her a
little kiss, like a
- Gilbert.
- Yeah, Abigail?
The chief needs help loading evidence.
Oh, my. What is that
perfume you're wearing?
DEET. My yard is full of ticks.
Tell you what, that would not repel me.
- All right.
Okay, this was I knew it.
Heidi, let's go solve a murder.
HEIDI: A thousand likes?
Oh, my God. Sick.
Heidi, what happened, dear?
She hit me over the head.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
But I will milk this
for a couple of days.
Lanie, it's no use hiding.
Come on out. I know you
killed Julia and Brent.
LANIE: Why would I do that?
Because you were in love with Brent
and he was having an affair with Julia.
You killed them both out of jealousy,
fueled by a broken heart.
You also texted Heidi on Brent's phone
in order to frame her for
both of the murders.
- Uhn-uhn.
- You also stole a car in your 20's
and sunk it in a lake,
but we don't have time to deal with
that one today. Put a pin in it.
I did it.
I killed them both.
She was my best friend and
she knew I loved Brent.
But she banged him anyway.
She banged him and she BJ'd
him and HJ'd him and
She did the Tallahassee Hustle on him.
Oh, that one's nice.
They made each other squirt or whatever.
Which I don't even think is real.
It's just pee!
That's not true.
Come with us and we'll iron all
this out in the police station.
Oh, no. The police will never know.
- Because you're not going anywhere.
- HEIDI: Oh.
Think, Abigail.
How would you write
yourself out of this one?
ABIGAIL: Mrs. Mapleworth freezes
as the barrel barrels towards her.
She's reminded of the summer
she took a rodeo clown
gymnastics intensive
at the age of 45 with
her dental hygienist
with whom she shared a
certain compatibility.
Come on, man!
- Ah.
- Uhn!
Looks like I just donked your kong.
Aunt Abigail, it's coming right at you!
Oh, little Ah!
Die, Mrs. Mapleworth.
Bring in a case of pinot too.
And you'll dust it for
fingerprints and jammy notes.
Abigail, no!
Toddler drop!
- Hey!
- Yeah, Pilts.
ABIGAIL: Well done, Gilbert.
I owe you an HJ.
A ham-jam sandwich?
Thank you, Gilbert, for saving my life.
Well, you're the light of my life.
I'm not doing anything.
Chief, you owe my niece an apology.
I meant no disrespect to you, Heidi.
You're forgiven, Chief Balls.
It's Bills.
Oh, well, you sure got your front-page
story didn't you, Wellingtont.
Yes, I did. How are your old lady farts?
You are an inch of garbage
water, aren't you?
That's right.
You know that phone nearly
costs us both our lives,
but I'm sure you've learned your lesson.
ABIGAIL: "I promise to work
on my phone addiction
and spend more face-to-face time
with those who matter. Like you."
I was very amused that you changed
all the sounds on my phone
to blood-curdling screams.
Yeah, I thought you might like that
because of all the murder stuff.
How many glasses of wine did we have?
I counted nine each.
So we are walking home.
I'll say.
Oh, my feet hurt.
I'm too tired and tipsy to solve
any more murders tonight, people.
Oh. I think somebody keeps
dialing me with their rectum.
Let's go inside and get under
a blanket of cats and pusses.
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