Marley's Ghosts (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

- She's at it again.
- Hmm! Oh, er, before you go, could you change the? Swindon.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! This has got to stop Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have a life.
When I had a life, I didn't have a life.
Do you know how dull it is being a vicar? - Yes, I understand but listen - Before I died, I never had the chance to develop a proper relationship with anyone.
I just think me and Gary might have a life together.
- I don't think so.
- How can you know that? I think the clue's in the words "before I died.
" You can't have a life together - because one of you doesn't actually have a life any more.
- Oh! I think I might have a bit of a crush.
Only have to hear his name, makes me want to swoon.
I know, stupid.
Probably doesn't even know I exist.
You don't exist, you're dead.
Oh! Morning, Tina.
What? No, sorry, you're going to have to shout.
Stop looking at my son's arse! What? No! I Morning, Mrs Hep.
Woooooooooh! Oh, for! Um, excuse me.
Hi.
It's Mrs Wise, isn't it? - Yes.
- Um, can we talk? - About? - About your husband Adam.
- Did you know him? I wish I had.
I read about his passing in the paper.
I was Can I ask if his organs were donated? - Definitely not.
- Yes.
- What do you mean "yes"? Yes, er, the doctors asked and I said yes, I signed - the release forms.
Sorry, I - Er, well, um, given the dates, I think I was given his heart.
The heart? That's a big bit.
- You think you've got Adam's heart? - Yeah.
- Oh! - I just wanted to say thank you.
- My pleasure.
- I bet it was, Mrs Wise.
Do you mind if we plunge knives into your husband's gut and rip out a few organs? No, go ahead.
While you're at it, why don't you cut his knob off? Oh, er, would you like to come in? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Thank you.
Are you going to have a little heart to heart? I used to be so sickly and now I'm strong, it's just Um It's so overwhelming.
You know, so wonderful and - Are you OK? - Yeah, sorry.
I am now.
- Thanks.
I feel like this is a really important part of my - Oh, sorry.
- Oh, it's my mum.
I'm just going to call her back.
- Yeah, OK.
- Yeah.
Can I get you anything, Beth? Tea, coffee? - Pair of lungs? - No, I'm fine, thanks.
- You sure? My wife doesn't mind nipping down to the cemetery and ripping them out for you.
- Now you're just being ridiculous.
- Well, it's my stuff.
You just saved a young girl's life, Adam.
For the first time ever, I think you've done something selfless.
What do you mean first time ever? I've done loads of selfless things.
- You're trying to remember one, aren't you? - No.
- Adam? - Hang on.
You're very quiet.
What's going on? Ssh! Adam's trying to remember if he's ever done anything selfless.
- Wouldn't have thought so.
- No, you wouldn't have thought so but it turns out that he has.
That young girl Beth needed a new heart, she had Adam's.
- Stole it.
- He's a donor? - He's a donor.
- Oh, lucky! That is so unfair.
I carried a donor card.
I've been dead six weeks, I never get picked.
I'll tell her.
- Um, my mum's coming over.
- OK, great.
Now that we know your husband was my donor, - there's something you should know.
- Right.
- Beth? - I'm not sure you're going to like it.
Psst! Psst! - I need to talk.
- To me? - Gary, get inside, please.
- Mrs Wise wants to - I know what she wants.
But she's not going to get it.
Get inside, please.
You keep away from him.
He's too young for you.
If you have to be disgusting, go and be disgusting with someone your own age.
Morning, Mrs Hep.
You cannot stand to see me happy, can you? Can you get Adam? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
- Do you come here a lot? - Most days.
This one could be me.
Oh, Anderson, Jake! Goodness! That is so unfair.
He only arrived last week.
It's never me.
I always wanted to be remembered as someone who gave.
Something to add to my headstone just a few simple words, nothing pretentious.
Just something like, "He gave so that others might live.
" - Your stuff's all good, is it? - Kept myself in pretty good shape.
- Maybe they just stacked yours at the back.
- What? The back of the fridge, maybe that's the problem.
Your stuff's not getting displayed properly, people aren't seeing what they're getting.
- They should have some sort of shelving system.
- Adam? - It's not a supermarket, Adam.
- Marley says - People aren't walking around with baskets - That girl - "I'll have a lung!".
.
- is your daughter.
- A couple of kidneys would be nice.
- Are you serious? - Of course I'm serious, you've got to be chosen.
- Not you, idiot.
- Vicar? - Yeah, that girl with your heart is your daughter.
She's lovely, isn't she? I hope this isn't awkward for you.
A bit.
It's just that Adam and I agreed not to have children and now I find out he did.
So Um, what sort of man was my dad? Oh, no, don't tell her, it'll break her heart.
- Shut up, Michael.
- Please, Marley, I just want to know about him.
- Oh, er - What do you mean, um? It's easy.
He was funny, charming, dashing, thoughtful, imaginative, generous.
There's loads of good words, just pick one.
- He was nice.
- Nice? What kind of word is nice? Tell her that I was incredibly successful.
- What? You're going to lie to your daughter? - I wouldn't, she would.
- Oh, that's my mum, do you mind if I? - No, no.
Bring her in.
I'd have been a great dad.
I'd have taught her to read, to swim.
Ride a bike No, actually, I couldn't have done that.
- I never learnt.
- You can't ride a bike? Well, it's tricky, isn't it? I mean, you got to move your feet and keep your balance all at the same time and, as well as that, you've got to steer.
I mean, it's not as easy as it looks.
- Yes, it is.
Four-year-olds do it.
- I'd have still been a good dad.
And being dead, you can still have a relationship.
- Look at me and Gary.
- There is no you and Gary.
How can there be no me and Gary? We do everything together.
Talk together, watch TV together, bath together.
Yeah, but he doesn't know it.
You can sometimes be very cruel.
Cruel and awful.
If you don't mind, I'm going to go to my room, - I'm going to have a little cry.
- No, you're not, you're going to sneak out and see Gary.
Now sit there Are you seeing this? Yeah, I'm wishing I wasn't.
I've been to bed with her.
Unbelievable.
I didn't know I was so cool.
I've seen her nude.
Oh, my God.
Vicar, look, look.
I've been to bed with that woman, me, I always ended up with the plain ones.
Apart from you, of course, darling.
- Do you remember going to bed with her? - No.
- Ah, someone like that, you'd remember.
- Oh, yeah? Thing is, Adam, can we believe that someone like you went to bed with someone like her and if you can't remember, the chances are The doctor told Beth that her heart was from a close family member and she doesn't have any close family members, just her mum and her dad that she never knew so I don't remember being in bed with her and that's really annoying.
Four years after the tummy tuck, I had my legs done.
Top half enlarged and pushed.
In January the following year, they put in the cheekbones and the chin.
And after I'd had my arms done, I got my nose sorted so The time I met your Adam, I probably looked a bit more like this.
- Oh! - That makes sense.
- Now I believe it.
Soon as I saw his photo, I remembered him.
- Brief, drunk and disappointing.
- That sounds about right.
- Thanks, darling.
He's the reason I got the work done.
I thought, "If that's the only sort of man I can get, - I'd better do something about it.
- Why didn't you tell Why didn't I tell him about Beth? Didn't know who he was or anything about him.
Just some bloke in a toilet at a party.
So tell me all about him.
Beth's dad, what's he been up to? - Very little.
- Apparently, he's really - Beth, please, shut up.
Did he have any money? - I was just getting to know - All you need to know is he died with no money.
He's no good to us, is he? And I don't want you seeing her again.
- Her? My name's Marley.
- No, Mum, Mum, Mum, stop.
Look, talking to Marley helps me imagine what kind of dad he would have been.
- I would have been a great dad.
- I just want to think about - what we would have done together.
- We'd have done loads of stuff.
- Taught me things.
- Loads of things.
- How to swim.
- How to read.
- How to ride a bike.
- Actually, that might have been a problem.
- Why? - It's tricky, you have to move your feet.
- Why won't you let me find out more about him? - You can't actually hear me.
- There is no more about him.
- Dead, no money, small knob, that's it.
- But he was my dad.
He was and his heart's broken because he didn't know he had a daughter and now that he does he can't do anything about it.
He's only known you five minutes and already he loves you, if he still had it, he'd give his life for you.
I love you, Beth.
- Beth! - Beth! - Where do you think you're going? Beth! Don't let her go, Marley, don't let her go.
Susie, don't you think you should? - Maybe you should go after her.
- Don't tell me what to do.
She's helpless.
Her mum treats her so badly.
She's my little girl.
She needs her dad.
She needs someone to tell her how wonderful she is.
22 years she's needed me and I haven't been there for her.
- How long is he going to be here? - Who? - Miserable Adam? - I don't like miserable Adam.
- I don't like miserable Adam.
- Think I prefer annoying Adam.
- There is no annoying Adam.
- There's fun Adam.
- Never met him.
- Always happy, plenty of banter? No, no, that's annoying Adam.
Right, well, we're stuck with miserable Adam.
Oh, Michael, I just want to be a really good dad.
Here we go, could be someone in need of my bits.
- What did my dad do? - Tell her I was in the army but you don't know too much because I can never talk about it.
One thing you should know about your dad is that he was - never, ever, ever in the army.
- Oh! - Oh! - Nor was he a submarine captain.
- Damn it.
- He was kind.
Kind? I was special, funny, charming, dashing, imaginative, - We're not stopping long.
- .
.
generous.
Nothing special about kind, everyone's kind.
Well, nearly everyone.
- Umm! Gary, go on, read it.
- Mum, I really don't think that - Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Beth, this is Gary.
Gary, this is Adam's daughter Beth.
- I didn't know he had a daughter.
- Yeah, nor did he.
Did you know him? - Yeah.
- Gary, the letter.
- Mum.
- It has to be made clear to her.
- But - Gary! "Dear Mrs Wise.
"Your persistent attempts to seduce me are quite frankly embarrassing.
"Me and my mother understand that you have needs "but your vile intentions and" - Mum, this is ridiculous.
- Just read the letter.
- Mrs Wise isn't a bad person, she's just a much older woman.
- Sorry? - An older woman.
- Once more.
- She's just a woman.
- That'll do.
- Who likes to be friendly.
- Well, one minute she's being friendly, next thing you know, you're tied to her bedpost in your underpants.
- I would never do anything like We were drunk.
- What? - Nothing.
- Look, Marley, I'm just trying to protect my son.
The fact that he lives across the road from an older woman - Come on, we agreed that older was the wrong word.
- Kind was the wrong word.
- Shut up! - What? - No, nothing.
Um, excuse me.
Me? You see what's happening? Your ridiculous misguided infatuation - Marley! - Coming Now stop it.
Stop the nonsense.
We're not leaving until this letter has been read and you understand the gravity of the Yeah.
He won't like it.
Probably break his heart - Hello? - "Dear Mrs Wise, your vile intentions "and inappropriate attention has started to frighten me.
" Why are you still here? I've been looking everywhere for you.
I told you, we want nothing to do with her.
- Her? - It's Marley.
I mean, how hard is that to remember? I'm just learning about my dad.
Actually, I'm not sure I know all that much, apart from he was kind.
Oh, and he wasn't the captain of a submarine.
- Now I'm wishing I said spy.
- Beth, go and wait in the car.
- Do as you're told.
- I want to deal with this bloody woman.
- I'm dealing with this bloody woman.
- I want you to stay away from my daughter.
Hang on.
I was here first.
Continue.
"To the distress of others, you haven't come to terms with the fact "that you are no longer an attractive woman.
" "Your body, once possibly proud, now stands in ruins.
You need help.
" And I know just the man to help you.
- You see, and it's not a problem - Start with your legs.
- It's not me.
I don't stand here in ruins.
She stands here in ruins! Just shape the legs, tuck the tum, lift the bosom.
No-one is lifting my bosom.
I have a superb bosom.
Don't know what you're smiling at, have you looked in the mirror recently? Whistling workmen, last week.
Gary was there.
Gary.
Gary! - Where are they going? - He just took off.
- Didn't want to hear the bad news.
- What bad news? I'm leaving him, Gary was far too young for me.
But that's a good thing because his heart will heal and he will have other great loves.
I just need to make sure I let him down gently.
You know you're bonkers, right? - What's that? - Bonkers.
Just been watching a surgical procedure involving my parts.
- You don't seem too pleased.
- I shouldn't be too downhearted.
It's still giving.
I still exist beyond death.
So, what was the surgery? Um, er Er, rectal reconstruction.
It's an important surgery.
You're a man's arse.
- I still gave.
- Yeah, but not so that others might live.
You gave so that others might sit more comfortably on the toilet.
I know you don't want to hear it but you must.
You should also know that, regardless of age gap, there will always be a special place for you in my heart.
Oh, this must be so difficult for you.
It is for me too.
Walk away, Gary, yes, just do that.
Just don't look back.
Be brave.
Oh! - You're a lucky man, Adam.
- Am I? She doesn't even know I'm here.
Beth! - Beth! Beth! - Did she just respond? - Yeah, I thought she did.
- Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Beth! - Ssh! Beth, it's Dad.
- Beth! Beth Oh, bloody hell! I thought - I'm sorry, Adam.
- Are you OK? I don't know what I was expecting.
Maybe to feel closer to him or some sort of presence.
B-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-t-h! - No.
- You feel nothing? - I'll I'll leave you alone.
- Thank you, Michael.
This is me and your dad at football.
- Can I keep this? - Of course.
I've got loads.
Loads? Oh! Why didn't you and Adam have kids? - Seriously? - Marley? How could he look after a child? Couldn't look after himself.
Couldn't look after me.
Maybe I wanted a child.
Maybe we needed one because together we weren't enough.
He could be lovely but he wasn't a great husband.
I think he would have made a terrible father.
I think you're wrong.
But don't tell him I said that.
- You were always together.
- Well his dad left - I was five when my dad left.
- I'll let him tell it.
Every few weeks, your dad would take me to football.
You remember? And Southend for the day.
- I don't remember that.
- He was really drunk.
- Well, that'll be why.
All the reasons people thought he was awful, that's what made him great.
- Who thought he was awful? - Pretty much everybody.
I was a well-loved member of the Oh, well, never mind.
And as I got older, he'd help me with stuff.
Homework, how to get out of it.
How to lie to my mum.
He taught me about music.
How to impress girls.
You're really lucky he's your dad.
I, er I miss him.
I learnt so much from him.
Sorry.
Oh, Gary, Gary, Gary! How to impress girls rule number one, never cry in front of them, idiot.
Brilliant! Well, forget rule number one.
I was wrong.
Crying obviously works a treat, well done.
What am I saying? Get off my daughter.
I bloody mean it, young man, get off her.
Beth, stop it.
Beth.
- Sorry.
- Beth, darling.
- What are you doing here? Oh, again! That's so unfair.
I'm so sorry, Mrs Jarvis.
Um, Gary had these pictures of my dad.
- He was a terrible man.
- He was not! - Don't you dare raise your voice to me, young lady.
- My dad was the best.
- You tell her, Beth.
- You didn't even know him.
Well, I've learnt about him and he was He was He was my dad.
Ah! - Oh, don't be so dramatic.
- Beth? - Do something.
- Beth.
- What's happening? Dad's screaming.
Gary's in tears.
Oh, silly boy, he needs to understand it's over.
How do you know your dad's screaming? Don't you dare do this, Beth.
You get up, get up.
She's just recently had a heart transplant.
Beth, don't do this, please.
I love you.
- You get back there and you get up.
- I could stay here with you.
- I don't want you to stay with me.
- Yes, you do.
Yes, I do but I want to be a good dad, so I am telling you, you get over there and fight.
Please, please, Beth, don't do this.
- You want me to go back? - It'll make me so unhappy if you don't go back.
Life's pretty good, it's better than good, it's wonderful.
I want you to have a wonderful life.
OK.
Um, any advice? Dad advice? - You've only got seconds.
- You have got to go.
- You could say something.
All right, very quickly, dad advice.
- When you first embark - I'm the father, I'll do the wisdom.
- I'm just trying to help.
- Oh, my God! Just let him do it.
Your mum's a dick.
I love you very much, you're very beautiful, don't trust boys, if you have to trust boys trust Gary.
Your mum's a dick.
Any problems, talk to Marley.
Arsenal will always be better than Chelsea.
Your mum's a dick.
You had better go travelling.
Never listen to your mum because.
- Because she's a dick.
- Always be generous, never be mean.
No-one likes a show-off.
Everyone likes bosoms.
Forget that, that's just me.
If you want to buy a Jag, buy an old one.
Giving is better than receiving.
Life and love are the best things and you've got both and I would have been a great dad.
You are a great dad.
- Did I say your mum's a dick? - Once or twice.
- You'd better go.
- I don't want to.
I don't want you to ever see me again.
I love you, Dad.
- Well done, Adam.
- Thanks.
You were right.
Good dad.
Ugh! She's going to be OK.
- (Yeah.
) - Sorry about the letter and my mum.
- What she said was wrong.
- Oh, no, it's OK.
All the time Mum thought you were after me, I was after you.
What? Oh, come on.
Since I was 11, you've been Mrs Wise across the road.
With those legs.
Do you know what that can do to a young boy? What, these old things? - I used to lie alone in bed at night, think of you and - And? And? Gary! Gary! And what? What were you saying about my, er, my long, long, long legs? Ah! - I think they make a lovely couple.
- Yeah, Gary's a brave boy, isn't he? Glad he met Beth.
Must be difficult for her, though.
- I'm a hard act to follow.
- Looks like they're having a wonderful time.
- When it's Spain, everybody enjoys Spain.
- We didn't.
- That wasn't my fault.
- Yes, it was.
- Well, yeah, it was but - Italy's nice.
- You never went to Italy Not with you, no.
Oh, look, Beth's mum has posted some new photos.
Oh, wow! You really can have too much surgery.
- Oh, can I help you, Mrs Hep? - It's actually rather a case of can my nephew help you.
Now we're all aware of your insatiable appetite for young men and the family are worried that Alfie here is underachieving - with the girls, so we thought - Leave this to me, Marley.