Marley's Ghosts (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

I love our new manor, don't you? We've going up in the world.
Yeah, I really feel like I fit in.
Fit into what? We don't fit in anywhere.
Yeah, but I'm just saying I really think I belong here.
Me too.
But no one can see us.
Listen, I'm a well-groomed, extremely attractive man.
I'd like to think if they could see us they'd consider me a welcome addition to the neighbourhood.
Who's this 'they? I'd like to meet them.
No one ever told me I wasn't attractive.
Then let me be the first.
You're not attractive.
Not to you I'm not, but if you were a girl you'd find me attractive.
- No I wouldn't.
- Yes you would.
If you were a girl - I'm not a girl.
I'm a girl.
- But if you were a girl - I'm not a girl.
- But if you were.
If I were a girl I'd find you grotesque.
No you wouldn't.
Seriously? - Seriously grotesque.
But then, you know us girls, we're picky.
Can she see us? Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Just moved in.
Marley.
Well, welcome to Ferndale Road.
Hope you'll be very happy here.
Oh, thank you, that's very kind of you.
Will you stop leering at my new neighbours? Actually, you were leering.
Yes you were! I wasn't.
- No, we were just acclimatising to our new surroundings.
Michael.
- Observing the natives in their natural habitat.
Trying to integrate.
What he said.
So glad you're integrating.
Not so easy for me, living on my own.
You've got us.
What, a dead husband and a dead lover? And a dead vicar.
As I said, living on my own.
Anyone would be thrilled to have us as neighbours.
Yeah, we're no trouble at all.
Yeah, they won't hear a squeak out of us.
They'll hardly even know we're here.
You're not here because if you were you'd be helping me with some of these boxes.
You alright, Michael? Michael? What's this? Court papers for tomorrow.
I've gotta finish this and then prep that.
Are these people in court tomorrow? What's that got to do with any- Are these people in court tomorrow?! Yes Something is very wrong.
And then I saw him steal the car.
The accused? Yes, him.
And then I saw the sergeant and I decided to report it.
Sergeant? Thank you, Mrs Wise.
Take your time.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
At, er, fifteen-fifty eight on the sixth of last month- Oh.
That's my birthday.
Really? - Yeah, the sixth.
I'm the seventh.
- Extraordinary.
How old were you? Not relevant to the case.
Let's keep it professional, sergeant.
Thank you and then I- Did you, er, go out with your wife? Not married.
Oh.
I didn't do much, didn't get very much either.
Are you serious? - Yeah.
Some soaps - a voucher I don't care what you got.
I came here to give evidence, not to watch you two flirt.
Excuse me.
We were not flirting.
We weren't, were we? - No.
Oh.
I have taken time out of my busy schedule to come here as part of my civic duty.
Yes, of course, sorry.
Er, sergeant? At fifteen-fifty eight on the sixth of last month I was approached in Highfield Road by Mrs Paine who informed me she'd just witnessed Mr Warren, er, stealing a motor vehicle.
Mr Warren, I have witnesses and CCTV.
Now I like to consider myself a forgiving and caring person.
Some say a little too caring, a little too forgiving.
Some even say I have a beguiling smile.
For goodness' sake! This man has committed a serious crime.
Just do your job and put him in prison.
Yes I'm about to.
Wm.
I need you to know I'm sorry.
We followed him back to her house.
He couldn't take his eyes off her.
And all last night and this morning he was just in here with this trunk, sobbing.
Did he ever say what was in it? No, after his death he just told me to store it.
Don't tell him we did this.
Oh, it's exciting, isn't it? What? If you're gonna open a treasure chest you gotta have a creak.
It's not a treasure chest, Vicar.
Ah, well, if there's not treasure in there maybe it's a body.
What? If I'm not allowed a creak - Don't do anything.
Yeah, but it adds to the atmosphere.
- It really doesn't.
Do you want me to open this trunk or not? - Yes.
- Right.
I thought I saw movement in there.
- Oh.
Hello, sergeant.
I've got a Mrs Harrington with me.
Residents' Association.
Oh yes.
Can we, er, can we have a word? Er, yeah, of course.
Well what what about opening the trunk? Maybe Michael's the Catchford Killer.
- Vicar, he's not Who's the Catchford Killer? - Exactly.
No one knows.
Marley Marley! Sorry about that.
I, er Mrs Harrington, is it? Residents' Association.
I believe you know Sergeant Hatfield? Oh yes, Mrs Wise and I often exchange glances across a crowded courtroom.
- Didn't think you'd noticed.
What? - Er, this way.
Are you going to open that trunk? Just wait in the junk room! Mrs Wise! I told you to wait in the junk room! - Did you? Yeah, or in here.
Whichever's more comfortable.
So Neighbourhood Watch.
Sounds great.
I was explaining to Mrs Harrington that as a magistrate what a valuable member of the Neighbourhood Watch you might be.
I need to talk to you all.
- Bit busy.
Oh, I thought So Neighbourhood Watch.
Sounds great.
You just said you were busy.
- Don't listen to me, I'm an idiot.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't think this area needed watching.
Oh, everything and everyone needs watching.
The way things look, I think you might need watching.
- Who's going to want to watch me? I am referring to this.
Oh, that.
Yes.
It's, er Disgusting.
- Yes it is.
It's quite horrible.
Not what the neighbourhood needs.
- I couldn't agree more.
Yeah, it was here when I moved in.
I was thinking of replacing it with an antique - Clock? - clock.
We are as one, Mrs Harrington, it's very tasteful.
Sounds expensive.
- It's very expensive and very tasteful.
Very much in keeping with this area, funnily enough.
It will of course be seen from the street.
I wonder if it's wise to have it in here.
Ah, probably not, no.
But I did mention I was an idiot.
- No, I'm joking.
I'm not an idiot, I'm a magistrate.
- Are you sure? Oh yes.
Yeah.
Very respectable.
Aren't I? Mmm.
So, Neighbourhood Watch.
Sounds great.
This this is serious.
OK? OK.
Vicar? - Ready.
- OK.
It's been established that I'm a very attractive man.
No, that's never been established.
In fact, it's been fiercely disputed.
Mm.
Sorry, Vicar, but he wants to have a serious conversation.
He can't sit us down and announce he's attractive and expect to be taken seriously.
- But here's the rub.
There's an ugly Michael.
That's fairly apparent.
And a long time ago, ugly Michael did something he's not proud of.
Was it in Catchford? She fell for my attractive side - Who did? But ended up with my ugly side.
- I'm not keen on either side.
I did something stupid.
Yeah, you sat us down and announced you've got an attractive side.
Look, can you please take this seriously? Well then, stop saying you've got an attractive side! I have! - Not in this light! Oh, you know what, forget it! I thought you'd help but obviously I'm gonna have to deal with this terrible secret on my own.
Oh, you just can't help yourself, can you? Michael! Michael! Michael! Just tell me your secret, eh? What's in the trunk? I would like you to meet the other members.
How about we pop back later? Ooh, yes.
Great.
Er, all of you? All of us.
Marley, we need to open this trunk.
They're coming back.
Marley Marley, can we just go Are you going to open this? - Later.
Oh, just just just lift the lid.
Busy.
No but we want to know what's wrong with Michael.
He's acting weird.
Yeah, I'm trying to integrate myself into the community.
I wanna be accepted.
Popular.
I'm fed up of being the strange lady that talks to Hi! Marley, new neighbour.
Right.
Antique clock shop.
What do you think? It's horrible.
- Yeah.
I think you should open the trunk.
The what? - The trunk.
What, now? - Yes, now.
- Fine.
You miss the creak, don't you? - Yeah, I do a bit.
Yeah, it adds to the - Yeah, it really did.
Oh, bloody hell! We're all here.
Bit early.
Marley, Marley, Marley! - Marley, open it! Coming! It was too fast, wasn't it? I didn't get the benefit of the creak.
Alright, quickly.
Let's see if there are any secrets in here.
Oh, look.
- What? What? It's an old photo of me.
I gave it to Michael years ago.
Oh, I was quite hot.
Vicar, quite hot.
- Oh.
No rest for the hottie.
Mrs Wise? Coming! Hello.
- Hello again.
I've rallied the troops.
Here they are.
Follow me.
Straight through.
And we're not done yet.
There is still lots to do.
A lot of homes to visit a lot of people to talk to and when I'm finished I would like to see one of these Neighbourhood Watch stickers in every front window in every street throughout our great and glorious town.
Hear hear! I see you've made the appropriate change.
Yes, I put the clock out.
I also came across, er, a few old photos.
Oh dear, look at this.
Me in my younger days.
Look at it.
No, really, look at it.
Not you! Can you see anything wrong? Anything upsetting? Anything Michael wouldn't want us to see? Anything not quite right? Action Man's faulty.
- What? He doesn't have a winkle.
Action Man never had a winkle.
Really? I had a lot of Action Men.
They had muscles and moving parts but they never had winkles.
- Oh dear.
He's Action Man, isn't he? I always thought he'd be blessed, you know, with a For action.
Vicar, that's her.
That's the woman in court, the woman Michael followed home.
Oh yeah! And she's standing with Michael.
Adam She's wearing a wedding dress.
Now would be the time.
You OK? What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? I once did a terrible thing.
An ugly, despicable thing.
Are you sure it wasn't in Catchford? No, Vicar.
We opened your trunk.
Right.
You're probably not the Catchford Killer.
What did you find out? Action Man doesn't have a winkle.
Can you say that? - She can say whatever she likes.
Can say all sorts.
I can say arse, willy, winkle.
Todger.
- Can't say that.
You can say todger.
- No, I can't say it.
Oh.
We also learned that you're married.
You've all got my number.
- Yes.
Has everyone got my number? We have all got your number, Mrs Wise.
Yeah, I was just checking that everyone - Sergeant Hatfield has your number.
I'm sure he'll call.
No, I didn't mean - Oh yes you did.
You may be an idiot but I am not.
Back of my head? Eyes.
That's why I'm in charge of Neighbourhood Watch.
I see everything.
Well, not quite everything.
- What? Nothing.
Drink tomorrow? - Tomorrow? Um, well, I'd better check my Yeah, that'd be lovely.
I just walked out on her.
She was devastated and I never said sorry.
Seeing her in court brought all these memories back.
Reminded me what a cruel bastard I can be.
You really needed reminding of that? Please don't laugh, Adam.
- Yeah, aye, you're right.
Serious stuff.
I'll laugh later.
I broke her heart into a million pieces and I need her to know I'm sorry.
- I thought you said you'd laugh later.
Yeah but I didn't say how much later.
I mean come on, you've gotta see the funny side of this.
You finally feel terrible about something you want to say you're sorry but you can't because you're dead.
Marley can.
Marley can tell her you're sorry.
She can't.
I'm not doing it.
But Marley, he's been living with the guilt for fifteen years.
Michael, we all do silly things when we're younger.
We grow up, we move on.
I can't! She seemed so sad.
She loved me like crazy.
Fifteen years she's been thinking about me.
I need her to know I'm sorry.
Look I'm trying to make an impression in the area.
I don't want to be known as the weird woman who passes on messages from the dead.
You know what Job said, he said, he said Job said kindness and caring for others There's probably a bit more but that's enough, isn't it? That's the most important bit.
Good old Job.
It wouldn't have to be a message from the dead.
There is a way to do it.
I was there when he died, heard his last words.
I saw you in court and then I discovered the wedding photos and letters and I realised who you were, so I just thought you would want to know.
Dead? - Yes.
I'm so sorry.
He was still relatively young.
What what was he, murdered? Er, car accident.
Oh, I always thought he'd be murdered.
You know how annoying he was.
I wasn't annoying.
Which one do you think? Ooh, er You've just found out I'm dead! A little bit of upset, please.
The red one's nice, not so sure about the blue.
Marley! - Great.
Thank you.
Look, is this going to take long? Because I've got people coming over.
Tell her.
Yeah, his last words were "Tell Katie I loved her and I'm sorry," he said.
Gasped.
- Gasped.
More of a gasp, he gasped.
"Tell Katie I loved her and I'm sorry.
" - Shoes.
Hang on.
Oh, um I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Oh no! No, no, no, it's fine.
No, blue was never my colour.
Oh Sorry, you mean the death thing.
Yes, terrible.
Hey ho, life goes on.
Not the reaction you were expecting.
Yeah, well, she's she's obviously in shock.
Ask her if she's in shock.
Er, are you in shock? What? Are you in shock over Michael's Ooh, they're nice.
- Mmm.
- Which ones do you think with the dress? - I think I'd probably go for Does she wanna hear my last gasped words or what? I don't think she's that interested.
His body had been pulverised.
- Say it.
His body had been pulverised.
Michael lay bloody and smashed.
Michael lay bloody and smashed.
Yet despite his obvious injuries he somehow managed to summon the strength of Thor.
- Er, yet somehow, despite - Thor?! Adam, Michael's trying to No, actually, yeah.
Who is Thor? You're comparing yourself to Thor? Yes! Strong and courageous.
Despite my massive injuries I summoned the strength of Thor.
That despite his massive injuries he was strong and courageous - Like Thor.
I don't want to say Thor.
- Say it! - Like Thor.
- Who was? Er, Michael.
Last gasped words.
Do you wanna hear them or not? Er, do you want to hear them or not? Oh do I have to? It's just I'm really running late and I've got little bits to do so He always regretted never saying goodbye properly.
He always regretted not saying goodbye properly.
Can.
mm mm.
Oh, and and she will forever be in his heart.
And you will forever be in his heart.
- And, er, he - And He always wished her - He always wished you - A - A Yeah, I've got this.
Wonderful life.
God's sake, he went on a bit, didn't he? Oh, he did.
Does.
Did.
Um, will you, um, will you button me up? Yeah.
Um, look, Mrs Wise, um, Marley I do appreciate you taking the time to tell me what happened to Michael but to be honest I'm just I'm just pleased that he died without ever knowing that while I was married I was having an affair.
It was always a worry of mine that he'd find out.
- Having a what?! - An affair.
Apparently your wife was having an affair! Are you in shock? - Yes! Vicar Sound effects.
- No, no.
The other one.
Best thing I ever did.
I mean Michael had no no drive, no sense of humour.
No idea what to do in bed.
She was very physical, I used to get tired.
Maybe you should've summoned the strength of Thor.
Shut up, Vicar! But to be honest, it was Michael's total lack of masculinity that drove me into the arms of another man.
The man I'm with today.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Glad to have been of service.
So pleased my lack of masculinity came in handy.
Michael was lacking in so many ways Can we go now? Oh no, I want to hear more about the lacking.
Adam! Are you sure you wanna do this? Yep.
I just wanna get rid of it all.
Her letters, gifts, everything.
And that.
Why don't you just chuck it all in the bin? No, no.
No.
It's gotta be final, symbolic.
Look, I'm a magistrate! I can't be seen to throw rubbish in rivers! No one's gonna see you.
Please! I proposed to her here, it has to end here.
Oh OK.
And you'll be pleased to know that once she's out of my system I can love you even more.
You don't have to.
That's it, it's all gone.
Books, letters, wedding ring, wedding photos What? Her wedding ring wasn't in the trunk.
Yes it was.
I've just thrown it in the river.
No, my mother's wedding ring was in the trunk.
Seriously? Mummy's fifteen thousand pound wedding ring was in the trunk.
I Mummy's fifteen thousand pound wedding ring is now in the river.
It was all I had left of her.
- Michael, I'm so sorry.
It was all I had left of her.
- Genuine mistake.
It was all I had left of her.
Yeah, you've said that.
There's nothing we can do.
Yes there is.
I would if I could.
I'm not doing it.
It was all I had left of her.
- Stop saying that! Oh I'm going in, aren't I? - Mmm.
- Oh Marley You know I'd go in for you if I could.
No you wouldn't.
No, you're right, probably wouldn't.
Looks minging in there.
I know, try and think of it as like a baptism.
You know, like a kind of rebirth.
Does that help? No, not much.
Oh Oh, I'm sure it it might be warm once you get in there.
Looks a bit muddy.
A bit murky.
Are we sure there aren't any creatures in there? - Careful.
- Not helping, Adam.
It was definitely a lot nicer here when I proposed to her.
Not helping, Michael.
Oh good grief.
Mind you don't slip, Marley.
OK, I'm in.
Did anybody see which way it went? I can't see it anywhere It's not here.
Can you see it? Um, I think it's round there.
It's a white pillowcase.
Oh no.
No.
I have to do everything myself, don't I? I mean you're just useless.
Sorry, Marley.
- I got it! I got it! - Yes! Well done, Marley! Oh God! Where is it? Well done, Marley.
Mummy would be so proud.
- I've got it! - Oh, we're proud.
- I'm outta here! Urgh, urgh.
- I wouldn't have done it.
- I'd never have done that.
- Right.
- Mm, looks disgusting.
Well done Marley.
Where's my clothes? My keys.
Where's my stuff?! This is near what's her name's.
I want to be seen as a pillar of the community not racing through the streets in my pants.
That's not helping, Vicar.
- Sorry.
Well, it does in the cinema, doesn't it? Because you got the girl running and you got the music and it gets exciting.
Really sorry, Mrs Paine.
Just need to borrow a towel and some clothes.
- I don't think you should - It's OK.
Oh Ah - I told you I had people coming over.
Yes.
Hello Sergeant, Mrs Harrington.
Yeah, I just thought you'd like these, er, mementoes of Michael so I was on my way round to you, walking past the river you know, thought I'd pop in, quick dip, you know.
Here I am! Don't normally walk around in my wet pants.
Yeah.
Yeah, ooh.
Hang on, got me, er, that's it.
Here.
It's a wet pillowcase.
Full of wonderful memories.
Yeah.
Listen, about that drink Oh yeah.
- What drink? I I don't think it's a good idea.
What drink? Were you gonna go for a drink with him? We said we wouldn't see other people! We agreed we wouldn't see other people! No, no, no, no, no.
You agreed not to see other people because other people can't see you! I've still got a life to lead.
Yeah, no, no, no, I'm not actually talking to myself.
What it is, er She's obviously sick.
Careful, she could be dangerous.
I told you she needed watching.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm not dangerous.
I'm just trying to make a good impression.
How am I doing? Well, that's the last time I try and integrate.
Is it asking too much to want to be liked? You just wanted to be liked by that copper I'm allowed a life.
Oh, well, you've still got us and we're not going anywhere.
Not helping, Vicar.
You had to get me involved, didn't you, in your petty problems? It wasn't petty, it was heart breaking! I thought she loved me.
Yes, well, we've all learned important lessons today, life lessons.
Guess I'm just a foolish romantic.
Yes, Michael is just an unattractive, foolish, romantic.
Oh good, we're doing life lessons from dead people.
Any other words of wisdom you want to share? Oh, yes, I've got one.
Did you know Action Man doesn't have a todger? There you go, I said it.