Marlon (2017) s02e02 Episode Script
Wingman
1 What's up, Wayniacs? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" You know what the most important thing in life is? A good wingman.
You ain't nothing without a good wingman.
Take Batman for example.
What's Batman without Robin? He's just a rich dude in a cave.
But Batman with Robin, he's a rich dude in a cave with a boy in tights.
Wait, actually Robin make the whole thing kinda weird.
You need to keep an eye on that damn Batman.
Anyway, my point is if you've got a good wingman, you'll always succeed in life, and your boy Marlon is the best wingman of all.
Hey, Marlon, I have a date.
Can I borrow your cologne? Hell no! Use the Febreze! Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
This movie gets more and more remarkable every time I see it.
This is the modern day "Citizen Kane.
" It puts "Casablanca" to shame.
It's better than "The Godfather.
" What are you watching? BOTH: "Radio.
" "Radio?" With Cuba Gooding Jr.
and the teeth? I hated that movie.
Wow, see this is why she and I didn't work.
Anybody that don't love "Radio" don't love themselves.
I say we watch it again.
Ugh.
Listen, this movie was more important to African Americans than "Black Panther.
" "Radio" was the first black superhero.
No, no.
Mom, they're binge-watching "Radio.
" This is child abuse.
If you love us, you'll send us to bed early.
Okay, go to bed.
Yes! Guys, you don't get it! They wasn't teaching Radio.
Radio was teaching them! Man, that boy got some nerve.
You would think with his math grades, Radio was his tutor.
Aww, shucks.
So how was the club? How was the Naughty 40 Club, huh? Eh, you cougars catch a prey? [GROWLS.]
No! Yvette is a terrible wingman.
She's supposed to be helping me.
Instead, she spends the whole night stalking her ex, Reggie, trying to make him jealous.
Well, Ashley, Reggie and I had a connection.
He had shows on my DVR.
We talked matching Range Rovers.
Reggie's the one that got away.
How'd he do it? He gnaw his foot off? Or he dig his way out with a spoon like "Shawshank"? So what happened, Ash? You get some action, huh? You get a little bump and grind? You get some of that dun-dun-dun-dun? Okay.
Okay.
You know what, Marlon? What I'm not gonna do is make a bad night worse by discussing my romantic life with my ex-husband.
Why not? Come on, we can talk about things.
We're friends.
Um, do you not remember that my first date after our divorce, you stalked us, popped out of the bushes, and said, "Ahh, hell no! This is what I wanted you to do.
" Ah, girl, that's back when I wanted to hit it.
I'm cool on you now.
Look, Ash, if we gonna be about this cool divorce life, then, you know, we gotta discuss these things.
And by the way, I've matured since then.
Oh, please, Marlon.
I'm the only one who can hear all the stories about you dating crazy chicks without tripping.
Oh, girl, remember the one that slept upside-down like a bat? [LAUGHTER.]
Sex with her was a real head rush.
How 'bout the one who had multiple personalities? Girl, I had a ménage à trois with one person.
It was amazing.
My favorite was the one that said I was a freeloader living on your couch.
BOTH: Negro, you are! Yeah, right.
Okay, none of this matters because I'm not gonna discuss my romantic life with you.
Ashley, listen, I'm telling you, I swear, I've grown, okay? And I can prove it.
I'm gonna be your wingman.
What? I'm gonna be your wingman.
You said it yourself, Yvette is a terrible wingman.
Marlon, are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious, I'm gonna sit in the cut, I'm gonna peep your game, make some tweaks, and I'm gonna land you a freak.
But I'm not gonna give him all my secrets.
We ain't gonna be like, "No, she like it counterclockwise.
" Against my better judgment, all right.
I'm in, but listen.
The first time you start tripping when I'm talking to a dude, it's a wrap.
- All right, bet.
- Bet.
All right, this Saturday we all going to Mantra.
Oh, that club's perfect.
Reggie has a table in VIP every Saturday with a clear sight line for him to see the dudes all up on a sister.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, I think having a devilishly handsome man on your arm will take your jealousy plot to the next level.
Boy, please, Reggie won't be jealous if I show up with your granddaddy-in-the-face looking ass.
Oh, but wait.
I might be able to flip this house.
Hmm, let's do it.
Okay so, Marlon, you're sure you're cool being my wingman? Yeah, I'm sure I could be your wingman.
My first order of business is getting you out of that damn pantsuit.
Girl, what you trying to do, land a man or win the popular vote? That suit make me wanna check your emails.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CLUB MUSIC.]
All right, let's find some dudes! Stevie, come on.
I'm sorry, these shoes are tight and my ankles are cold.
You look like Dr.
Ben Carson's only black friend.
[LAUGHS.]
You look like you restore racist paintings.
[LAUGHS.]
You look like the first black mayor of Oz.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, come on, let's go.
Let's have a drink.
I believe the Cotton Club is this way.
Dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah-dah Mm.
Mm.
- Tanya, hey.
- Hey.
Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you worked here.
Yeah, just a few nights while I'm in school.
Oh, okay.
Marlon, Stevie, this is Tanya.
She's in spin class with us and she's getting her masters in Occupational therapy.
- Really? - Yeah.
You should do your thesis on Stevie.
He's occupationally challenged.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, look, let me know if you need anything, and I'll hook you up.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Ah, we're gonna lose these.
Oh, but I can't see too well.
Now you look like you could catch it.
- Fair trade.
- Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
- Ooh, okay, hey, wingman.
- Hmm? Guy with the beard.
He's kinda cute.
Oh, I don't know, he got too much frontal lobe.
Look like Cro-Magnon Man.
Like he still grab girls by the hair, "Come here.
Give me your number.
" But if that's your type, hey, go for it.
Shoot your shot.
I'll peep your game.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What? What's all this bobble head? Less head more ass.
Switch, switch, switch.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Ashley.
Hey, I know your face from somewhere.
Have you been in my spin class before? Nah, I only did spin one time.
I don't like the way the bicycle seat is shaped.
Something about it, you know, make me feel some type of way.
Oh, "The Marlon Way.
" Oh, my God, I am a huge fan.
- You watch my channel? - Yes, I do.
- You don't watch my channel.
- Yes, I do.
- What's your favorite video? - "Rich Kid, Poor Kid.
" - What? - Hands down.
I mean, if you ask me, it was more like a metaphor for the growing socioeconomic disparity in this country.
- It was? - It was.
Dang, brother's deeper than he thought.
- Okay.
- Who woke? - BOTH: He woke.
- He woke.
Hello.
And this is Zack.
I was in labor with him for 28 hours.
His head was huge! Oh, my gosh, and then his ears got stuck, and the first epidural didn't really take.
Uh, I just remembered, I forgot to take my flu shot.
You know? - Oh.
Yeah, you better handle that, baby.
Girl, what the hell are you doing? What? I was shooting my shot.
Ashley, you don't talk about your kids like that.
He's trying to think about putting a foot in, and you telling him about the foot coming out.
Come on, Ashley, you don't announce the fact that you got kids.
No, you get him drunk, you take him home, you handling your business, and when he get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and step on a toy, you explain then.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got kids.
" - That's ridiculous.
- No, it's not ridiculous.
There's two things you don't disclose: kids and STDs.
You just let people find out about those type of things.
Looks like you need a little more sexy back in the VIP, eh? Don't you think? Uh-huh.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh! Rude.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, hey, man.
I like your swag.
Yo, how would you like to hang out in the VIP lounge? - I'd love to.
- Oh, is this your plus one? Yes, it is.
Shall we, my dear? Huh, okay.
Oh, so you gonna tell me all of this ain't VIP? Wait, oh, oh, oh.
Hey, I'm with him.
Wait, Stevie, Stevie.
Wait-ah.
Really? Okay, now that you know the rules, what's your opening line? I don't know.
What's your five-year plan? A five-year plan? What, you trying to make love or a vision board? Look, Ashley, watch.
Now see that pretty girl right there? The one dressed like a grown Puerto Rican baby? Mm-hmm.
Watch and learn.
Yo.
If you wanna take me home later, we just gotta stop and get mice for my pet eagle.
[CAWS.]
You just love crazy, don't you? Eagle's gotta eat, Ash.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, look.
You see that brother right there in the blue shirt? - Mm-hmm.
- Try it.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- You got this.
- Okay.
Yo.
Well, well, looks like you're a pretty good wingman.
I try.
Maybe you could wingman for me.
You see, there's this really hot guy at the bar right now.
- Girl, he is fine as hell.
- Yeah, he is fine.
Just one thing, I don't I don't know if I'm his type.
I don't own a pet eagle.
- Mm, that's a red flag.
- Yeah, I thought so.
'Cause a girl that owns a pet that she can't pet usually means she's a freak in the sheets.
Yeah, well, I do have a puma though.
Does that count? - A puma? - A puma.
[HISSES.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER.]
I am going on a break in a few minutes.
So would you like to join me for a drink? Does a puma have spots? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, okay, for the sake of this witty banter, let's assume pumas have spots.
Yeah, let's do that.
All right, I'll see you later.
Pumas don't have spots, right? - No.
- Okay.
Marlon, it worked.
Gerard invited me to sit at his table.
What are wingmen for? You know, I gotta say, I'm very impressed with your emotional maturity tonight.
I underestimated you.
So what, off to Petco with eagle chick? Nah, I'm gonna go have a drink with Tanya.
- Tanya? - Mm-hmm.
Tanya, Tanya? With goals and dreams and no daddy issues Tanya? Yeah, Tanya.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So cute.
She's actually really cool.
I think we're vibing.
- Vibing.
- Mm-hmm.
With Tanya.
Huh.
Okay, buddy, see you later.
Bye, pal.
Hey.
Ah, hell no.
[LAUGHTER.]
What are they laughing at? He is not that funny.
- Ashley.
- Huh? What? I'm sorry, what were you saying? - I was asking if you had kids.
- I have two.
Really? We're touching arms now? Uh, you know what, I feel like it's very selfish of us to drink all this champagne by ourselves.
Mm-hmm, we should share it.
- Really? Because I'm kind of - Let's go, Gerard! Um, okay.
I mean, they weren't teaching Radio.
BOTH: Radio was teaching them! Ahhhh! [LAUGHS.]
Yes! Cuba Gooding Jr.
I like "Boat Trip.
" So, um, we have champagne.
What's-his-face got some, and I thought we should share it.
So what are we talking about? Well, I've just been trying to recruit Marlon here to take a spin class.
Oh, see, Marlon can't spin.
Yeah, he sweats too much.
See, the sweat and the hair pomade, they mix together, and when he's on top, it drips in your eyes and it burns.
You have to wear goggles.
Oh.
You said what now? Well, sweating is great for you.
It releases toxins and promotes circulation.
So probably explains why Marlon looks so young.
Oh, I guess we solved that little mystery, now didn't we? We did.
You know, spin's also a great calorie burner.
Are you with me or are you with her? I'm with you.
Oh, so, um, who has any particularly disgusting habits we can talk about? Oh, I know, Marlon.
He likes to cut his toenails with a steak knife.
Isn't that nasty? [CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Not when you keep it to yourself.
Well, I can't judge, because I bite mine and smell 'em too, so Oh, my God, you're a sniffer? - I am.
- I'm a sniffer too! [LAUGHTER.]
Ashley, you know, at first, I didn't know what to think.
I thought you was, like, hating, but now I realize, I wasn't wingmaning for you.
You was wingmaning for me.
You just Radio'd this whole thing.
Ohh.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Ah, yeah.
Where the hell you been, Puff the Magic Afro? I've been waiting here all night for your ass.
You gotta get me in the lounge before Reggie leaves.
I can't, I got kicked out.
Allegedly I knocked over $4,000 worth of drinks with this cane.
Crazy, right? Well, how am I supposed to make Reggie jealous if I can't get in there? Well, if Reggie is still bald, he's walking out of VIP right now.
Okay, how do we make him jealous? I think the quickest way would be for you and I to just I was gonna say, "Look like we're in a deep conversation," but that totally works too.
My God, that's not Reggie! - I thought it was.
- God! If I'm being honest, I always thought I was near-sighted, but I'm beginning to suspect I might be legally blind.
Oh, my God.
Can I have my glasses back, please? You want your glasses.
[LAUGHS.]
[GLASS CRACKS.]
Fetch.
Did you just throw something? Yes, cheers.
Easy, Marlon.
You know when you drink too much champagne, you piss the bed.
[LAUGHTER.]
You do that too? N-no.
No? Ha! [LAUGHS.]
She don't do that.
Hey, Ashley, let me holler at you right quick, huh? Girl, what is wrong with you? Why you acting out of pocket? I am the corner pocket.
You're the one who begged to be my wingman, and now you're bailing on me.
Not cool, Marlon.
But I've been a great wingman.
Look, Ash, we landed the plane, okay? You are on your way to baggage claim.
Gerard is sitting there holding a sign with your name on it.
Hop on his long, black limousine and enjoy the ride.
I'm surprised you even noticed him, you're so busy kiki-ing with your little friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
My little friend? Wow.
You're jealous.
Oh, please! I'm jealous of a grown woman wearing a body-con dress and high-top sneakers like we at a high school dance.
Wow! Did you just take three shots at her? Pow-pow-pow-pow? Wow, you are jealous.
Ashley, are you okay? Girl I'ma be okay, as soon as I can talk to the father of my two children without some bartender rolling her ass all up in my business.
Ohhh! Oh-oh! Ohhh! You gonna take that? Ooh, that's light-on-light crime.
- Sweetie, calm down.
- Sweetie? Did you just touch me? Did this bitch just touch me? - Whoa.
- Coo-coo! Whoa-ohhh! Did she? Because inquiring minds sure as hell want to know.
Don't get me to clap on you.
You don't want her to start clapping.
BOTH: 'Cause we will encore your ass! - What you wanna do? - I'ma get the top.
Okay, I'll get the bottom.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, ladies, ladies, ladies! You cannot do this until I get my phone out.
Hold on.
Marlon, you better get your little friend before I cash that check, 'cause that's EBT all day.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You called your boys on me? Is that what you did? That's what I wanted you to do! Hey, hey, I'm gonna see your ass in spin class! Yvette, get my purse! I got you! We coming for you! We're coming for you! Hey, Gerry, thanks for the champagne, brother.
WorldStar! WorldStar! I wish I coulda seen that.
Marlon? Oh, there you are.
[LAUGHING.]
What grown-ass woman gets kicked out of a nightclub? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, wait till I tell Zack his mamma is ratchet.
Oh, he gonna be so proud.
Marlon, you do not have to rub it in.
You know, for the first time in 17 years, I'm not the crazy one in this relationship.
[LAUGHS.]
Girl, this feels good.
Okay, fine, perhaps I'm not as mature as I thought.
Perhaps? Girl, you got over 3 million views Shade Room.
Con-ratch-ulations.
Ashley, come on, man.
What happened? I mean, you've been cool with me dating girls since we split.
Yeah, that's because they've all been crazy chicks.
You know, when I saw you vibing with Tanya, I don't know, it seemed significant.
And for the past 17 years, I've been the significant woman in your life.
I got jealous, Marlon, okay? I'm embarrassed.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
It's okay.
You will always be significant to me.
I mean, look, this whole thing is new for us, okay? We're gonna figure it out, and it's gonna take some time.
And sometimes you gonna go a little baby mama on 'em.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
But you can do that.
You know why? I got you.
Really? Yes, I got you.
I'm not just your wingman in a club.
I'm your wingman for life.
Wanna beat? - No.
Okay.
So you gonna see Tanya again? What do you think? You told her I'm a squirter.
I don't think so.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what, she's not your type anyway.
Clearly you like crazy chicks who start fights in clubs with perfectly pleasant people that they met at spin class.
Hey, so how'd it go? Did you make Reggie jealous? No, I saw on Instagram he never even made it to the club tonight, and I went and kissed Mr.
Cornball on the Cob here for nothing.
Tonight sucked.
Well, I know something that'll cheer you up.
Do not say BOTH: "Radio!" Oh, this movie gets better and better with age.
It's the Angela Bassett of movies.
" You know what the most important thing in life is? A good wingman.
You ain't nothing without a good wingman.
Take Batman for example.
What's Batman without Robin? He's just a rich dude in a cave.
But Batman with Robin, he's a rich dude in a cave with a boy in tights.
Wait, actually Robin make the whole thing kinda weird.
You need to keep an eye on that damn Batman.
Anyway, my point is if you've got a good wingman, you'll always succeed in life, and your boy Marlon is the best wingman of all.
Hey, Marlon, I have a date.
Can I borrow your cologne? Hell no! Use the Febreze! Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
This movie gets more and more remarkable every time I see it.
This is the modern day "Citizen Kane.
" It puts "Casablanca" to shame.
It's better than "The Godfather.
" What are you watching? BOTH: "Radio.
" "Radio?" With Cuba Gooding Jr.
and the teeth? I hated that movie.
Wow, see this is why she and I didn't work.
Anybody that don't love "Radio" don't love themselves.
I say we watch it again.
Ugh.
Listen, this movie was more important to African Americans than "Black Panther.
" "Radio" was the first black superhero.
No, no.
Mom, they're binge-watching "Radio.
" This is child abuse.
If you love us, you'll send us to bed early.
Okay, go to bed.
Yes! Guys, you don't get it! They wasn't teaching Radio.
Radio was teaching them! Man, that boy got some nerve.
You would think with his math grades, Radio was his tutor.
Aww, shucks.
So how was the club? How was the Naughty 40 Club, huh? Eh, you cougars catch a prey? [GROWLS.]
No! Yvette is a terrible wingman.
She's supposed to be helping me.
Instead, she spends the whole night stalking her ex, Reggie, trying to make him jealous.
Well, Ashley, Reggie and I had a connection.
He had shows on my DVR.
We talked matching Range Rovers.
Reggie's the one that got away.
How'd he do it? He gnaw his foot off? Or he dig his way out with a spoon like "Shawshank"? So what happened, Ash? You get some action, huh? You get a little bump and grind? You get some of that dun-dun-dun-dun? Okay.
Okay.
You know what, Marlon? What I'm not gonna do is make a bad night worse by discussing my romantic life with my ex-husband.
Why not? Come on, we can talk about things.
We're friends.
Um, do you not remember that my first date after our divorce, you stalked us, popped out of the bushes, and said, "Ahh, hell no! This is what I wanted you to do.
" Ah, girl, that's back when I wanted to hit it.
I'm cool on you now.
Look, Ash, if we gonna be about this cool divorce life, then, you know, we gotta discuss these things.
And by the way, I've matured since then.
Oh, please, Marlon.
I'm the only one who can hear all the stories about you dating crazy chicks without tripping.
Oh, girl, remember the one that slept upside-down like a bat? [LAUGHTER.]
Sex with her was a real head rush.
How 'bout the one who had multiple personalities? Girl, I had a ménage à trois with one person.
It was amazing.
My favorite was the one that said I was a freeloader living on your couch.
BOTH: Negro, you are! Yeah, right.
Okay, none of this matters because I'm not gonna discuss my romantic life with you.
Ashley, listen, I'm telling you, I swear, I've grown, okay? And I can prove it.
I'm gonna be your wingman.
What? I'm gonna be your wingman.
You said it yourself, Yvette is a terrible wingman.
Marlon, are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious, I'm gonna sit in the cut, I'm gonna peep your game, make some tweaks, and I'm gonna land you a freak.
But I'm not gonna give him all my secrets.
We ain't gonna be like, "No, she like it counterclockwise.
" Against my better judgment, all right.
I'm in, but listen.
The first time you start tripping when I'm talking to a dude, it's a wrap.
- All right, bet.
- Bet.
All right, this Saturday we all going to Mantra.
Oh, that club's perfect.
Reggie has a table in VIP every Saturday with a clear sight line for him to see the dudes all up on a sister.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, I think having a devilishly handsome man on your arm will take your jealousy plot to the next level.
Boy, please, Reggie won't be jealous if I show up with your granddaddy-in-the-face looking ass.
Oh, but wait.
I might be able to flip this house.
Hmm, let's do it.
Okay so, Marlon, you're sure you're cool being my wingman? Yeah, I'm sure I could be your wingman.
My first order of business is getting you out of that damn pantsuit.
Girl, what you trying to do, land a man or win the popular vote? That suit make me wanna check your emails.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CLUB MUSIC.]
All right, let's find some dudes! Stevie, come on.
I'm sorry, these shoes are tight and my ankles are cold.
You look like Dr.
Ben Carson's only black friend.
[LAUGHS.]
You look like you restore racist paintings.
[LAUGHS.]
You look like the first black mayor of Oz.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, come on, let's go.
Let's have a drink.
I believe the Cotton Club is this way.
Dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah-dah Mm.
Mm.
- Tanya, hey.
- Hey.
Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you worked here.
Yeah, just a few nights while I'm in school.
Oh, okay.
Marlon, Stevie, this is Tanya.
She's in spin class with us and she's getting her masters in Occupational therapy.
- Really? - Yeah.
You should do your thesis on Stevie.
He's occupationally challenged.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, look, let me know if you need anything, and I'll hook you up.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Ah, we're gonna lose these.
Oh, but I can't see too well.
Now you look like you could catch it.
- Fair trade.
- Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
- Ooh, okay, hey, wingman.
- Hmm? Guy with the beard.
He's kinda cute.
Oh, I don't know, he got too much frontal lobe.
Look like Cro-Magnon Man.
Like he still grab girls by the hair, "Come here.
Give me your number.
" But if that's your type, hey, go for it.
Shoot your shot.
I'll peep your game.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What? What's all this bobble head? Less head more ass.
Switch, switch, switch.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Ashley.
Hey, I know your face from somewhere.
Have you been in my spin class before? Nah, I only did spin one time.
I don't like the way the bicycle seat is shaped.
Something about it, you know, make me feel some type of way.
Oh, "The Marlon Way.
" Oh, my God, I am a huge fan.
- You watch my channel? - Yes, I do.
- You don't watch my channel.
- Yes, I do.
- What's your favorite video? - "Rich Kid, Poor Kid.
" - What? - Hands down.
I mean, if you ask me, it was more like a metaphor for the growing socioeconomic disparity in this country.
- It was? - It was.
Dang, brother's deeper than he thought.
- Okay.
- Who woke? - BOTH: He woke.
- He woke.
Hello.
And this is Zack.
I was in labor with him for 28 hours.
His head was huge! Oh, my gosh, and then his ears got stuck, and the first epidural didn't really take.
Uh, I just remembered, I forgot to take my flu shot.
You know? - Oh.
Yeah, you better handle that, baby.
Girl, what the hell are you doing? What? I was shooting my shot.
Ashley, you don't talk about your kids like that.
He's trying to think about putting a foot in, and you telling him about the foot coming out.
Come on, Ashley, you don't announce the fact that you got kids.
No, you get him drunk, you take him home, you handling your business, and when he get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and step on a toy, you explain then.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got kids.
" - That's ridiculous.
- No, it's not ridiculous.
There's two things you don't disclose: kids and STDs.
You just let people find out about those type of things.
Looks like you need a little more sexy back in the VIP, eh? Don't you think? Uh-huh.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh! Rude.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, hey, man.
I like your swag.
Yo, how would you like to hang out in the VIP lounge? - I'd love to.
- Oh, is this your plus one? Yes, it is.
Shall we, my dear? Huh, okay.
Oh, so you gonna tell me all of this ain't VIP? Wait, oh, oh, oh.
Hey, I'm with him.
Wait, Stevie, Stevie.
Wait-ah.
Really? Okay, now that you know the rules, what's your opening line? I don't know.
What's your five-year plan? A five-year plan? What, you trying to make love or a vision board? Look, Ashley, watch.
Now see that pretty girl right there? The one dressed like a grown Puerto Rican baby? Mm-hmm.
Watch and learn.
Yo.
If you wanna take me home later, we just gotta stop and get mice for my pet eagle.
[CAWS.]
You just love crazy, don't you? Eagle's gotta eat, Ash.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, look.
You see that brother right there in the blue shirt? - Mm-hmm.
- Try it.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- You got this.
- Okay.
Yo.
Well, well, looks like you're a pretty good wingman.
I try.
Maybe you could wingman for me.
You see, there's this really hot guy at the bar right now.
- Girl, he is fine as hell.
- Yeah, he is fine.
Just one thing, I don't I don't know if I'm his type.
I don't own a pet eagle.
- Mm, that's a red flag.
- Yeah, I thought so.
'Cause a girl that owns a pet that she can't pet usually means she's a freak in the sheets.
Yeah, well, I do have a puma though.
Does that count? - A puma? - A puma.
[HISSES.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER.]
I am going on a break in a few minutes.
So would you like to join me for a drink? Does a puma have spots? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, okay, for the sake of this witty banter, let's assume pumas have spots.
Yeah, let's do that.
All right, I'll see you later.
Pumas don't have spots, right? - No.
- Okay.
Marlon, it worked.
Gerard invited me to sit at his table.
What are wingmen for? You know, I gotta say, I'm very impressed with your emotional maturity tonight.
I underestimated you.
So what, off to Petco with eagle chick? Nah, I'm gonna go have a drink with Tanya.
- Tanya? - Mm-hmm.
Tanya, Tanya? With goals and dreams and no daddy issues Tanya? Yeah, Tanya.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So cute.
She's actually really cool.
I think we're vibing.
- Vibing.
- Mm-hmm.
With Tanya.
Huh.
Okay, buddy, see you later.
Bye, pal.
Hey.
Ah, hell no.
[LAUGHTER.]
What are they laughing at? He is not that funny.
- Ashley.
- Huh? What? I'm sorry, what were you saying? - I was asking if you had kids.
- I have two.
Really? We're touching arms now? Uh, you know what, I feel like it's very selfish of us to drink all this champagne by ourselves.
Mm-hmm, we should share it.
- Really? Because I'm kind of - Let's go, Gerard! Um, okay.
I mean, they weren't teaching Radio.
BOTH: Radio was teaching them! Ahhhh! [LAUGHS.]
Yes! Cuba Gooding Jr.
I like "Boat Trip.
" So, um, we have champagne.
What's-his-face got some, and I thought we should share it.
So what are we talking about? Well, I've just been trying to recruit Marlon here to take a spin class.
Oh, see, Marlon can't spin.
Yeah, he sweats too much.
See, the sweat and the hair pomade, they mix together, and when he's on top, it drips in your eyes and it burns.
You have to wear goggles.
Oh.
You said what now? Well, sweating is great for you.
It releases toxins and promotes circulation.
So probably explains why Marlon looks so young.
Oh, I guess we solved that little mystery, now didn't we? We did.
You know, spin's also a great calorie burner.
Are you with me or are you with her? I'm with you.
Oh, so, um, who has any particularly disgusting habits we can talk about? Oh, I know, Marlon.
He likes to cut his toenails with a steak knife.
Isn't that nasty? [CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Not when you keep it to yourself.
Well, I can't judge, because I bite mine and smell 'em too, so Oh, my God, you're a sniffer? - I am.
- I'm a sniffer too! [LAUGHTER.]
Ashley, you know, at first, I didn't know what to think.
I thought you was, like, hating, but now I realize, I wasn't wingmaning for you.
You was wingmaning for me.
You just Radio'd this whole thing.
Ohh.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Ah, yeah.
Where the hell you been, Puff the Magic Afro? I've been waiting here all night for your ass.
You gotta get me in the lounge before Reggie leaves.
I can't, I got kicked out.
Allegedly I knocked over $4,000 worth of drinks with this cane.
Crazy, right? Well, how am I supposed to make Reggie jealous if I can't get in there? Well, if Reggie is still bald, he's walking out of VIP right now.
Okay, how do we make him jealous? I think the quickest way would be for you and I to just I was gonna say, "Look like we're in a deep conversation," but that totally works too.
My God, that's not Reggie! - I thought it was.
- God! If I'm being honest, I always thought I was near-sighted, but I'm beginning to suspect I might be legally blind.
Oh, my God.
Can I have my glasses back, please? You want your glasses.
[LAUGHS.]
[GLASS CRACKS.]
Fetch.
Did you just throw something? Yes, cheers.
Easy, Marlon.
You know when you drink too much champagne, you piss the bed.
[LAUGHTER.]
You do that too? N-no.
No? Ha! [LAUGHS.]
She don't do that.
Hey, Ashley, let me holler at you right quick, huh? Girl, what is wrong with you? Why you acting out of pocket? I am the corner pocket.
You're the one who begged to be my wingman, and now you're bailing on me.
Not cool, Marlon.
But I've been a great wingman.
Look, Ash, we landed the plane, okay? You are on your way to baggage claim.
Gerard is sitting there holding a sign with your name on it.
Hop on his long, black limousine and enjoy the ride.
I'm surprised you even noticed him, you're so busy kiki-ing with your little friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
My little friend? Wow.
You're jealous.
Oh, please! I'm jealous of a grown woman wearing a body-con dress and high-top sneakers like we at a high school dance.
Wow! Did you just take three shots at her? Pow-pow-pow-pow? Wow, you are jealous.
Ashley, are you okay? Girl I'ma be okay, as soon as I can talk to the father of my two children without some bartender rolling her ass all up in my business.
Ohhh! Oh-oh! Ohhh! You gonna take that? Ooh, that's light-on-light crime.
- Sweetie, calm down.
- Sweetie? Did you just touch me? Did this bitch just touch me? - Whoa.
- Coo-coo! Whoa-ohhh! Did she? Because inquiring minds sure as hell want to know.
Don't get me to clap on you.
You don't want her to start clapping.
BOTH: 'Cause we will encore your ass! - What you wanna do? - I'ma get the top.
Okay, I'll get the bottom.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, ladies, ladies, ladies! You cannot do this until I get my phone out.
Hold on.
Marlon, you better get your little friend before I cash that check, 'cause that's EBT all day.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You called your boys on me? Is that what you did? That's what I wanted you to do! Hey, hey, I'm gonna see your ass in spin class! Yvette, get my purse! I got you! We coming for you! We're coming for you! Hey, Gerry, thanks for the champagne, brother.
WorldStar! WorldStar! I wish I coulda seen that.
Marlon? Oh, there you are.
[LAUGHING.]
What grown-ass woman gets kicked out of a nightclub? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, wait till I tell Zack his mamma is ratchet.
Oh, he gonna be so proud.
Marlon, you do not have to rub it in.
You know, for the first time in 17 years, I'm not the crazy one in this relationship.
[LAUGHS.]
Girl, this feels good.
Okay, fine, perhaps I'm not as mature as I thought.
Perhaps? Girl, you got over 3 million views Shade Room.
Con-ratch-ulations.
Ashley, come on, man.
What happened? I mean, you've been cool with me dating girls since we split.
Yeah, that's because they've all been crazy chicks.
You know, when I saw you vibing with Tanya, I don't know, it seemed significant.
And for the past 17 years, I've been the significant woman in your life.
I got jealous, Marlon, okay? I'm embarrassed.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
It's okay.
You will always be significant to me.
I mean, look, this whole thing is new for us, okay? We're gonna figure it out, and it's gonna take some time.
And sometimes you gonna go a little baby mama on 'em.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
But you can do that.
You know why? I got you.
Really? Yes, I got you.
I'm not just your wingman in a club.
I'm your wingman for life.
Wanna beat? - No.
Okay.
So you gonna see Tanya again? What do you think? You told her I'm a squirter.
I don't think so.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what, she's not your type anyway.
Clearly you like crazy chicks who start fights in clubs with perfectly pleasant people that they met at spin class.
Hey, so how'd it go? Did you make Reggie jealous? No, I saw on Instagram he never even made it to the club tonight, and I went and kissed Mr.
Cornball on the Cob here for nothing.
Tonight sucked.
Well, I know something that'll cheer you up.
Do not say BOTH: "Radio!" Oh, this movie gets better and better with age.
It's the Angela Bassett of movies.