Marlon (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
Sisters
1 What's poppin', people? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" You know what I learned at a really young age? Never disappoint a sister, especially when that sister is your sister.
For example, when my sisters found out you can no longer stream "Hanging with Mr.
Cooper," lord, mm - Why! - Everything they do! - Who we gonna hang with now? - Everything they do! - Lord, this is a crime.
- Huh? Mark Curry ain't never hurt nobody.
Girl, you can get 'em on YouTube.
Oh.
What's your password? Get a damn job.
Is that all caps? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
I can't believe we went all over town to get snacks for Marlon's sisters.
How's Whole Foods gonna have ten types of flaxseed but no Flamin' Hots? [sighs.]
You cursed them out in your comment card.
I think they got the message.
And why aren't they staying at Marlon's house anyway? Because his place is too small.
Plus, divorced or not, I still consider them my sisters.
Oh, well, don't get me wrong.
Lenora and Lovie are my girls.
It's their big-head brother I can't stand.
Mm.
Why are you making it smell like a men's dorm room at a black college? 'Cause I want you to feel right at home.
That's Cool Water cologne.
His sisters buy it for him every Christmas.
Yes, and I want them to think I'm wearing it, even though I'm not wearing it.
Kind of like you do with your IUD in Richmond.
- Uh, Marlon? - Yeah? Is that our wedding photo? Oh, would you look at that? I think Zack put that there.
He must have found it in the garage.
He's a nostalgic little bastard.
But, Dad, you're the one who told me to grab the Boy, if you don't get your behind upstairs.
I'ma make you stop wearing your sister's hand-me-downs.
Uh, so, Ash, uh, you know, I was thinking about this weekend.
You know, maybe I'll crash here, you know, avoid traffic, maximize the time with my sisters.
Okay.
Hold up.
The wedding photo, the funky cologne, and now you want to crash here? Marlon, you still haven't told your sisters about our divorce, have you? What? Wh really? Oh, wow! Really? Oh, really? Like I was just gonna move back in here, pretend we're still married, and hope you don't notice? Yeah Where should I put your stuff? Ashley's closet.
So what was you talking about? You know what? Of course you haven't told them.
Marlon, you've spent your entire life bending over backwards trying not to disappoint your sisters.
Ashley, if I could bend over backwards, girl, I wouldn't leave my room.
Marlon, it's true! I had to postpone my C-section, because Lovie wanted Marley to share the same birthday as Keith Sweat.
It could have been worse.
It could have been Bobby Brown's.
Okay, y'all need to wrap this up.
I do not want Miss Lenora picking up all this negative energy when I'm getting my psychic reading.
She's gonna tell me what my next step is.
Hopefully it's to the mall, so you can get a new outfit.
This is cute.
I don't care what you say.
Oh, look at your old ass trying to look young, look like you shop at Forever 41.
- Go on.
- No! That's Okay! Stop! - One more time! - Ignore him! - One more time.
- Ignore him.
Ashley, look, my sisters pretty much raised me, and you've never seen them upset.
Like, they get mad mad.
It's kind of like telling the Beyhive that Beyonce's "Lemonade" was just a'ight.
[gasps.]
Blasphemy.
Exactly.
Come on, Ash.
My sisters' favorite thing about me is you.
And if they find out that me and you aren't together, they gonna flip they wigs and they weaves.
Marlon, we cannot spend the rest of our lives pretending we're happily married.
Why not? My parents did it.
Come on, Ashley.
Listen.
Just do this for me for two days, okay? Until they go back to New York.
And then when they leave, I'll call them and I'll tell them, over the phone, 'cause you can't dropkick a brother over the phone.
Marlon, we cannot do this to our children.
Oh, girl, what you talking about? Kids.
When your aunties get here, me and your mama gonna pretend we're married And when they leave, I'ma give you $20.
I love money.
See, Ash? They cool with it.
You the only one tripping.
I cannot do this, Marlon.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
[together.]
New York in the house! New York in the house! - Oh! - Aww, my baby! Whoo! Look at you! [laughing and cheering.]
Look at you two.
You are like the Michelle and Barack of the family.
Without the arms or the power.
[laughs.]
- [laughter.]
- Okay, guys, guys, hey.
I'd hate to break up all this black love, but Ashley got something she want to tell you, and I don't think you're gonna like it.
- Go on, Ash, tell them.
- Uh Uh, you ain't gonna like it, you gonna love it! We got Flamin' Hots! [together.]
Flamin' Hots in the house! Flamin' Hots in the house Flamin' Hots in the house You got shook, didn't you, woman? It was the lean.
I've seen 'em beat up many a men with that lean.
You did the right thing.
I'm doing this for you, okay? We'll pretend we're married for two days, and then you're gonna tell 'em.
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Now can I bite your booty? - No! The universe is telling me you've been deprived lately.
Oh, well the universe ain't never lied.
It's been about four months since I had me some good I'm seeing a big purchase.
Oh, okay, that too.
Well, there is a pair of shoes I've been wanting, but they're way out of my budget.
Oh, not when the universe is paying.
How you gonna step into your greatness barefoot? Ooh.
Well, the universe ain't got to tell me twice.
I'm about to get me a pair of them bloody shoes.
You know, Lovie, I look forward to this weekend every year just for your mac and cheese.
I'll tell you what.
If your kids and my mac and cheese was drowning, I hate to tell you who he'd save.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
I'd be like, "Bye, kids!" [laughter.]
When y'all gonna start working on baby number three? Girl girl, when are we not working on baby number three? Right? [laughter.]
You know, I be throwing them boys at them eggs, but, uh, you know, them eggs is old, girl.
[laughs.]
Well, your boys are older than my eggs, so maybe that's the problem.
Nah! [soft shuddering.]
- Lenora.
- Hmm? You're wasting your time.
My beliefs are based on empirical evidence.
I give no credence to psychic phenomenon.
- I see a woman.
- Tell me more.
She's strong.
She's sexy.
And your souls are destined to unite.
What should I do? Take control.
Let her feel what it's feeling.
Get all up in that.
Come on, Lenora.
- It's game time.
- Oh.
That boy don't want none of that old grizzly.
Come on.
So did you all ever book that timeshare I gifted you? Now, you know you can stay anywhere in the world.
- Uh yeah! - The timeshare? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, the the timeshare.
- Yeah.
- I know, girl, I know We we went to the most romantic place we could think of.
- Right? - Aww.
Sookie sookie now.
Where you going? - Cancun.
- Detroit.
You well, you know, uh, Detroit is the Cancun of of Michigan.
Detroit, Ashley? Detroit? Well, I'm sorry I'm not as good at hiding our divorce as you are.
But you know what? Now I know why you made us wear those matching powder blue sweat suits to your aunt's birthday party.
Girl, nothing says "happily married" more than powder blue sweat suits.
Well, that and sleeping with your iPhone facedown.
Come on, now, scooch over.
You know this is my side.
Boy, you are not sleeping in this bed.
- [knocking on door.]
- Oh, snap! Ooh! Oh, my bad.
Both: Hey, hey! - [laughs.]
Hi! - Girl! Was our lovemaking too loud for you? You made love through the duvet? Oh, yeah, it cuts down on condoms.
It's just It's the new-new.
Mm-hmm, new-new.
I'm prepping breakfast for tomorrow morning.
Have y'all seen my bacon grease can from last year? Uh, I think I threw it out.
We trying to cut back on year-old bacon grease.
And E.
coli.
You know what? That's fine.
I put some lard in my carry-on.
So, y'all keep on doing whatever the hell that is.
- [exhales.]
- I think she's onto us.
We have to turn it up tomorrow.
Okay, Marlon, get off me.
- Get up.
Get up.
- Come on, girl.
I'ma give you a little preview of what I was gonna do to you in Detroit.
Gonna do that gangster love.
Pow-pow! Take it! All right, fine.
- Where am I supposed to sleep? - Right there.
What am I, going coach? Ain't nobody gonna be able to sleep like this.
This is just ridiculous.
[snoring.]
Marlon.
Yeah, let me know when y'all want seconds.
So.
Yvette, I'm taking control.
I'm letting you feel what it's feeling.
I'm about to get all up in that, girl.
Zack, baby, would you get Yvette's pepper spray out of her purse? Yvette, we're destined to be together.
You can't fight destiny.
I beat Destiny's ass in ninth grade when she stole my leather jacket.
Lenora said we should be together.
And you said she's a psychic.
And you said she wasn't.
Well now I think she is.
Well now I think she's not.
Oh, my God, these shoes.
Lenora and the universe got me walking around in my mortgage.
I gotta return these.
[together.]
Morning.
All right, Rock Steady Crew, pop-lock your asses down on the couch.
We need to talk.
Y'all little sweat suits ain't fooling nobody.
I sensed a cosmic imbalance the moment I stepped foot in this house.
Oh, girl, cosmic my ass.
I saw that wack-ass lovemaking last night.
Wack? Girl.
Ash, let 'em know how I be tearing it up.
Marlon, it's over.
We may as well just tell 'em.
Marlon and I have Have lost the spark in your marriage.
Anyone could see it.
Yeah, and if you don't fix it, it may lead to divorce.
And that's not happening, not on my watch.
[cries.]
Oh, gosh! I don't want to live in a world where y'all two are divorced! You mean live in a world where I have sex with random strangers? Lord, I don't want it! I don't want it.
Okay, you two go back up to your bedroom, and we're gonna bring you a sexy double feature, "Love Jones" and "Jason's Lyrics.
" - Ooh.
- Yeah.
And we're just getting started.
We are gonna breathe life back into this marriage.
And by tonight, it's body rockin', knockin' the boots.
Uh.
Uh.
Mm.
I'm more of a "windows to the wall - till the sweat drops down my " - Marlon! What you doing? Girl, if you can't get messy in the kitchen, you damn sure can't get messy in the bedroom I don't want to get messy in the bedroom.
Spirits are revealing a lot of different female energy.
All sorts of women.
Uh, nah.
Ashley's the only one for me.
Yep, the only one for me.
Me and Ashley.
Black women white women a couple Native Americans.
Nah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The casinos.
[soft chuckle.]
Damn them Navajos.
Where is all this energy coming from? - Marlon? - Huh? Can I talk to you for a sec? Absolutely, my Nubian queen.
Thank you for the reading.
I'll be right back.
Marlon, after your sister's done cutting gizzards - on my granite countertops - [gasps.]
She's gonna teach me how to make hot-buttered rum.
I'm supposed to rub it on your belly later in bed.
She believes it's gonna save our marriage.
Well, damn, you know, she ain't wrong.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
You you think I'm enjoying this? Lenora got the spirits over there snitching on my penis.
[sighs.]
Marlon, this is insane.
All because you don't want your sisters to be upset.
It's not that they'll be upset.
It's why they'll be upset.
Listen, me and you being together is proof that my sisters raised me right.
Ashley, please.
Just just ride with me, just one more day? All right.
Fine.
That's what I do.
Ride or die till the wheels fall off.
That's my girl.
Plus, this is the worst of it.
How much further can they possibly take this? ["Wedding March" playing.]
Oh.
This much further.
We renewing some vows up in this piece.
[both laugh.]
Oh, look, Marlon, we're getting remarried.
Oh, you know you got a ghetto wedding when your kids is in your bridal party.
Ashley, this time you're jumping the broom.
The ancestors were pissed when you didn't do it the last time.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, Ash! Isn't this great? What a fun thing to do for my sisters' soon-to-be-over visit? Look what I found in the garage, girl.
My my wedding dress? Aw, come on.
She ain't gotta put on the wedding dress.
I mean, look, it's all white.
Clearly, she ain't a virgin anymore.
Yeah, you know what? I'm I'm really very uncomfortable with this.
Oh, don't worry, girl, it'll still fit.
Skinny bitches get on my nerves.
- Come on.
- Hey, hey, come on.
Now, guys come on, guys.
This is getting out of hand.
- You don't need a girdle.
- Come on, guys, stop.
Stop.
All right, stop! Leave her alone, gosh.
Ashley's not putting on no wedding dress.
It's bad enough I made her deal with y'all craziness during our marriage, but you know what? I'll be damned if I make her deal with it during our divorce.
[together.]
Divorce? Um.
Yes.
We are divorced.
And I know you're probably a little bit disappointed in me.
And that's fine.
But you know what's not gonna happen? Do you know what's not about to happen? You and you are not about to get all crazy.
If you have something to say, then we can sit down and we can discuss this like adults in a nice, mature, calm, collected fashion.
And I will be open to hear your thoughts.
Are we clear? [both shouting.]
- I knew it! I knew it! - This ain't calm! This ain't calm and collected! The universe was trying to tell me! And I don't know why I didn't see it! I will beat you! I will beat you! Why? Why? - I'll put you over my knee! - Hey girl, hey hey Hey, now, stop it, Lovie.
I told you, once I shot up, and I got some hair down there, and and the other ball dropped, yeah, it's a new year.
Don't hit me like that no more.
Yeah, but but what about the babies? Why the hell didn't you tell us? Because of this! Look at you.
Look how you're acting! I can't tell you guys anything real.
But since we're going here, you know what? Fine, I'm putting it all on the table.
Marley's middle name is not Lovie.
Sound like a damn stripper name.
It's Sharday.
[both gasp, shudder.]
And we spell it S-H-A-R-D-A-Y.
Sharday! The way it's pronounced, not "Sade.
" And Lenora, you know them little chain message you send around? - Mm-hmm.
- About the angels? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, guess what? I don't send them to nobody.
And I still get miracles.
'Cause I am blessed and highly favored.
And you know what? I don't like Cool Water cologne.
I don't wear it.
It smells like sanny cakes that you piss on in the damn urinals.
Oh! Smells like poor people trying to smell rich.
And you know what? Zack ain't baptized.
I circumcised him.
- [shudders.]
- Yeah, I know.
"Oh, that's not natural! Oh, that's asgusting!" No, you ain't gonna have my boy out there with with no looking like a Mr.
Snuffleupagus.
- [shuddering.]
- Or a damn anteater.
No, looking With a turtleneck and a hoodie.
I don't want him to have a gangster little thing-a-ding! And, Lovie, I don't like your mac and cheese.
It's too damn wet.
[both breathing shakily.]
She be a'ight.
I don't really care if you look like Questlove down there and that ball done dropped.
I'ma bust your ass! Wait what no! Stop! - Well, you know what? Maybe pretending we were happily married for the rest of our lives would have been easier.
No.
I should have been real with them before our marriage even started.
- Hey.
- Hm? I'm sorry I put you through that.
Marlon, you don't have to apologize to me.
Okay? You fought for me.
It was a woman.
And you lost.
But you fought for me.
Besides, you know I'm your ride or die.
Always.
[screams.]
If you hit me, I'm gonna tell Mommy.
Oh, Marlon, we just want to talk.
It hurts us to see both of you divorced.
But what hurts more is that you couldn't come to your sisters and talk about it.
Well I know how much you guys love Ashley.
And I I I just didn't want to disappoint you.
And I'm sorry.
Boy, you stupider than I thought.
Come on.
You marrying Ashley? That's only one of the things we're proud of.
Yeah.
You got your 401K.
And those babies? They don't even curse.
Yeah, well that's all Ashley.
I been trying to get the boy to say disgusting things for years.
Marlon, you're the most generous person I know.
I wouldn't be able to stream my shows if you didn't share your password.
Marlon, you got a good heart.
You pretended to still be married, making a mockery of God's most holiest institution, - just to not disappoint us.
- Mm-hmm.
You going to Hell just for us.
Yeah, you are.
Aww, damn.
- I love my sisters.
- Both: Aww.
Ashley, get your ass over here.
Yeah, get your little skinny behind over here, girl.
You know you still our little sister.
Oh, we're always gonna be proud of you.
And when you step out of line, we're always gonna kick that ass.
- [chuckles.]
- Yeah.
Like we about to do in this spades game! - Oh, no! Oh, no! - Oh, wait a minute! - Oh, no! Oh, no! - Oh, yes! Oh, no, y'all didn't! - Yes.
- Come on.
- Oh, we about to do it.
- You don't know.
" You know what I learned at a really young age? Never disappoint a sister, especially when that sister is your sister.
For example, when my sisters found out you can no longer stream "Hanging with Mr.
Cooper," lord, mm - Why! - Everything they do! - Who we gonna hang with now? - Everything they do! - Lord, this is a crime.
- Huh? Mark Curry ain't never hurt nobody.
Girl, you can get 'em on YouTube.
Oh.
What's your password? Get a damn job.
Is that all caps? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
I can't believe we went all over town to get snacks for Marlon's sisters.
How's Whole Foods gonna have ten types of flaxseed but no Flamin' Hots? [sighs.]
You cursed them out in your comment card.
I think they got the message.
And why aren't they staying at Marlon's house anyway? Because his place is too small.
Plus, divorced or not, I still consider them my sisters.
Oh, well, don't get me wrong.
Lenora and Lovie are my girls.
It's their big-head brother I can't stand.
Mm.
Why are you making it smell like a men's dorm room at a black college? 'Cause I want you to feel right at home.
That's Cool Water cologne.
His sisters buy it for him every Christmas.
Yes, and I want them to think I'm wearing it, even though I'm not wearing it.
Kind of like you do with your IUD in Richmond.
- Uh, Marlon? - Yeah? Is that our wedding photo? Oh, would you look at that? I think Zack put that there.
He must have found it in the garage.
He's a nostalgic little bastard.
But, Dad, you're the one who told me to grab the Boy, if you don't get your behind upstairs.
I'ma make you stop wearing your sister's hand-me-downs.
Uh, so, Ash, uh, you know, I was thinking about this weekend.
You know, maybe I'll crash here, you know, avoid traffic, maximize the time with my sisters.
Okay.
Hold up.
The wedding photo, the funky cologne, and now you want to crash here? Marlon, you still haven't told your sisters about our divorce, have you? What? Wh really? Oh, wow! Really? Oh, really? Like I was just gonna move back in here, pretend we're still married, and hope you don't notice? Yeah Where should I put your stuff? Ashley's closet.
So what was you talking about? You know what? Of course you haven't told them.
Marlon, you've spent your entire life bending over backwards trying not to disappoint your sisters.
Ashley, if I could bend over backwards, girl, I wouldn't leave my room.
Marlon, it's true! I had to postpone my C-section, because Lovie wanted Marley to share the same birthday as Keith Sweat.
It could have been worse.
It could have been Bobby Brown's.
Okay, y'all need to wrap this up.
I do not want Miss Lenora picking up all this negative energy when I'm getting my psychic reading.
She's gonna tell me what my next step is.
Hopefully it's to the mall, so you can get a new outfit.
This is cute.
I don't care what you say.
Oh, look at your old ass trying to look young, look like you shop at Forever 41.
- Go on.
- No! That's Okay! Stop! - One more time! - Ignore him! - One more time.
- Ignore him.
Ashley, look, my sisters pretty much raised me, and you've never seen them upset.
Like, they get mad mad.
It's kind of like telling the Beyhive that Beyonce's "Lemonade" was just a'ight.
[gasps.]
Blasphemy.
Exactly.
Come on, Ash.
My sisters' favorite thing about me is you.
And if they find out that me and you aren't together, they gonna flip they wigs and they weaves.
Marlon, we cannot spend the rest of our lives pretending we're happily married.
Why not? My parents did it.
Come on, Ashley.
Listen.
Just do this for me for two days, okay? Until they go back to New York.
And then when they leave, I'll call them and I'll tell them, over the phone, 'cause you can't dropkick a brother over the phone.
Marlon, we cannot do this to our children.
Oh, girl, what you talking about? Kids.
When your aunties get here, me and your mama gonna pretend we're married And when they leave, I'ma give you $20.
I love money.
See, Ash? They cool with it.
You the only one tripping.
I cannot do this, Marlon.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
[together.]
New York in the house! New York in the house! - Oh! - Aww, my baby! Whoo! Look at you! [laughing and cheering.]
Look at you two.
You are like the Michelle and Barack of the family.
Without the arms or the power.
[laughs.]
- [laughter.]
- Okay, guys, guys, hey.
I'd hate to break up all this black love, but Ashley got something she want to tell you, and I don't think you're gonna like it.
- Go on, Ash, tell them.
- Uh Uh, you ain't gonna like it, you gonna love it! We got Flamin' Hots! [together.]
Flamin' Hots in the house! Flamin' Hots in the house Flamin' Hots in the house You got shook, didn't you, woman? It was the lean.
I've seen 'em beat up many a men with that lean.
You did the right thing.
I'm doing this for you, okay? We'll pretend we're married for two days, and then you're gonna tell 'em.
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Now can I bite your booty? - No! The universe is telling me you've been deprived lately.
Oh, well the universe ain't never lied.
It's been about four months since I had me some good I'm seeing a big purchase.
Oh, okay, that too.
Well, there is a pair of shoes I've been wanting, but they're way out of my budget.
Oh, not when the universe is paying.
How you gonna step into your greatness barefoot? Ooh.
Well, the universe ain't got to tell me twice.
I'm about to get me a pair of them bloody shoes.
You know, Lovie, I look forward to this weekend every year just for your mac and cheese.
I'll tell you what.
If your kids and my mac and cheese was drowning, I hate to tell you who he'd save.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
I'd be like, "Bye, kids!" [laughter.]
When y'all gonna start working on baby number three? Girl girl, when are we not working on baby number three? Right? [laughter.]
You know, I be throwing them boys at them eggs, but, uh, you know, them eggs is old, girl.
[laughs.]
Well, your boys are older than my eggs, so maybe that's the problem.
Nah! [soft shuddering.]
- Lenora.
- Hmm? You're wasting your time.
My beliefs are based on empirical evidence.
I give no credence to psychic phenomenon.
- I see a woman.
- Tell me more.
She's strong.
She's sexy.
And your souls are destined to unite.
What should I do? Take control.
Let her feel what it's feeling.
Get all up in that.
Come on, Lenora.
- It's game time.
- Oh.
That boy don't want none of that old grizzly.
Come on.
So did you all ever book that timeshare I gifted you? Now, you know you can stay anywhere in the world.
- Uh yeah! - The timeshare? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, the the timeshare.
- Yeah.
- I know, girl, I know We we went to the most romantic place we could think of.
- Right? - Aww.
Sookie sookie now.
Where you going? - Cancun.
- Detroit.
You well, you know, uh, Detroit is the Cancun of of Michigan.
Detroit, Ashley? Detroit? Well, I'm sorry I'm not as good at hiding our divorce as you are.
But you know what? Now I know why you made us wear those matching powder blue sweat suits to your aunt's birthday party.
Girl, nothing says "happily married" more than powder blue sweat suits.
Well, that and sleeping with your iPhone facedown.
Come on, now, scooch over.
You know this is my side.
Boy, you are not sleeping in this bed.
- [knocking on door.]
- Oh, snap! Ooh! Oh, my bad.
Both: Hey, hey! - [laughs.]
Hi! - Girl! Was our lovemaking too loud for you? You made love through the duvet? Oh, yeah, it cuts down on condoms.
It's just It's the new-new.
Mm-hmm, new-new.
I'm prepping breakfast for tomorrow morning.
Have y'all seen my bacon grease can from last year? Uh, I think I threw it out.
We trying to cut back on year-old bacon grease.
And E.
coli.
You know what? That's fine.
I put some lard in my carry-on.
So, y'all keep on doing whatever the hell that is.
- [exhales.]
- I think she's onto us.
We have to turn it up tomorrow.
Okay, Marlon, get off me.
- Get up.
Get up.
- Come on, girl.
I'ma give you a little preview of what I was gonna do to you in Detroit.
Gonna do that gangster love.
Pow-pow! Take it! All right, fine.
- Where am I supposed to sleep? - Right there.
What am I, going coach? Ain't nobody gonna be able to sleep like this.
This is just ridiculous.
[snoring.]
Marlon.
Yeah, let me know when y'all want seconds.
So.
Yvette, I'm taking control.
I'm letting you feel what it's feeling.
I'm about to get all up in that, girl.
Zack, baby, would you get Yvette's pepper spray out of her purse? Yvette, we're destined to be together.
You can't fight destiny.
I beat Destiny's ass in ninth grade when she stole my leather jacket.
Lenora said we should be together.
And you said she's a psychic.
And you said she wasn't.
Well now I think she is.
Well now I think she's not.
Oh, my God, these shoes.
Lenora and the universe got me walking around in my mortgage.
I gotta return these.
[together.]
Morning.
All right, Rock Steady Crew, pop-lock your asses down on the couch.
We need to talk.
Y'all little sweat suits ain't fooling nobody.
I sensed a cosmic imbalance the moment I stepped foot in this house.
Oh, girl, cosmic my ass.
I saw that wack-ass lovemaking last night.
Wack? Girl.
Ash, let 'em know how I be tearing it up.
Marlon, it's over.
We may as well just tell 'em.
Marlon and I have Have lost the spark in your marriage.
Anyone could see it.
Yeah, and if you don't fix it, it may lead to divorce.
And that's not happening, not on my watch.
[cries.]
Oh, gosh! I don't want to live in a world where y'all two are divorced! You mean live in a world where I have sex with random strangers? Lord, I don't want it! I don't want it.
Okay, you two go back up to your bedroom, and we're gonna bring you a sexy double feature, "Love Jones" and "Jason's Lyrics.
" - Ooh.
- Yeah.
And we're just getting started.
We are gonna breathe life back into this marriage.
And by tonight, it's body rockin', knockin' the boots.
Uh.
Uh.
Mm.
I'm more of a "windows to the wall - till the sweat drops down my " - Marlon! What you doing? Girl, if you can't get messy in the kitchen, you damn sure can't get messy in the bedroom I don't want to get messy in the bedroom.
Spirits are revealing a lot of different female energy.
All sorts of women.
Uh, nah.
Ashley's the only one for me.
Yep, the only one for me.
Me and Ashley.
Black women white women a couple Native Americans.
Nah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The casinos.
[soft chuckle.]
Damn them Navajos.
Where is all this energy coming from? - Marlon? - Huh? Can I talk to you for a sec? Absolutely, my Nubian queen.
Thank you for the reading.
I'll be right back.
Marlon, after your sister's done cutting gizzards - on my granite countertops - [gasps.]
She's gonna teach me how to make hot-buttered rum.
I'm supposed to rub it on your belly later in bed.
She believes it's gonna save our marriage.
Well, damn, you know, she ain't wrong.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
You you think I'm enjoying this? Lenora got the spirits over there snitching on my penis.
[sighs.]
Marlon, this is insane.
All because you don't want your sisters to be upset.
It's not that they'll be upset.
It's why they'll be upset.
Listen, me and you being together is proof that my sisters raised me right.
Ashley, please.
Just just ride with me, just one more day? All right.
Fine.
That's what I do.
Ride or die till the wheels fall off.
That's my girl.
Plus, this is the worst of it.
How much further can they possibly take this? ["Wedding March" playing.]
Oh.
This much further.
We renewing some vows up in this piece.
[both laugh.]
Oh, look, Marlon, we're getting remarried.
Oh, you know you got a ghetto wedding when your kids is in your bridal party.
Ashley, this time you're jumping the broom.
The ancestors were pissed when you didn't do it the last time.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, Ash! Isn't this great? What a fun thing to do for my sisters' soon-to-be-over visit? Look what I found in the garage, girl.
My my wedding dress? Aw, come on.
She ain't gotta put on the wedding dress.
I mean, look, it's all white.
Clearly, she ain't a virgin anymore.
Yeah, you know what? I'm I'm really very uncomfortable with this.
Oh, don't worry, girl, it'll still fit.
Skinny bitches get on my nerves.
- Come on.
- Hey, hey, come on.
Now, guys come on, guys.
This is getting out of hand.
- You don't need a girdle.
- Come on, guys, stop.
Stop.
All right, stop! Leave her alone, gosh.
Ashley's not putting on no wedding dress.
It's bad enough I made her deal with y'all craziness during our marriage, but you know what? I'll be damned if I make her deal with it during our divorce.
[together.]
Divorce? Um.
Yes.
We are divorced.
And I know you're probably a little bit disappointed in me.
And that's fine.
But you know what's not gonna happen? Do you know what's not about to happen? You and you are not about to get all crazy.
If you have something to say, then we can sit down and we can discuss this like adults in a nice, mature, calm, collected fashion.
And I will be open to hear your thoughts.
Are we clear? [both shouting.]
- I knew it! I knew it! - This ain't calm! This ain't calm and collected! The universe was trying to tell me! And I don't know why I didn't see it! I will beat you! I will beat you! Why? Why? - I'll put you over my knee! - Hey girl, hey hey Hey, now, stop it, Lovie.
I told you, once I shot up, and I got some hair down there, and and the other ball dropped, yeah, it's a new year.
Don't hit me like that no more.
Yeah, but but what about the babies? Why the hell didn't you tell us? Because of this! Look at you.
Look how you're acting! I can't tell you guys anything real.
But since we're going here, you know what? Fine, I'm putting it all on the table.
Marley's middle name is not Lovie.
Sound like a damn stripper name.
It's Sharday.
[both gasp, shudder.]
And we spell it S-H-A-R-D-A-Y.
Sharday! The way it's pronounced, not "Sade.
" And Lenora, you know them little chain message you send around? - Mm-hmm.
- About the angels? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, guess what? I don't send them to nobody.
And I still get miracles.
'Cause I am blessed and highly favored.
And you know what? I don't like Cool Water cologne.
I don't wear it.
It smells like sanny cakes that you piss on in the damn urinals.
Oh! Smells like poor people trying to smell rich.
And you know what? Zack ain't baptized.
I circumcised him.
- [shudders.]
- Yeah, I know.
"Oh, that's not natural! Oh, that's asgusting!" No, you ain't gonna have my boy out there with with no looking like a Mr.
Snuffleupagus.
- [shuddering.]
- Or a damn anteater.
No, looking With a turtleneck and a hoodie.
I don't want him to have a gangster little thing-a-ding! And, Lovie, I don't like your mac and cheese.
It's too damn wet.
[both breathing shakily.]
She be a'ight.
I don't really care if you look like Questlove down there and that ball done dropped.
I'ma bust your ass! Wait what no! Stop! - Well, you know what? Maybe pretending we were happily married for the rest of our lives would have been easier.
No.
I should have been real with them before our marriage even started.
- Hey.
- Hm? I'm sorry I put you through that.
Marlon, you don't have to apologize to me.
Okay? You fought for me.
It was a woman.
And you lost.
But you fought for me.
Besides, you know I'm your ride or die.
Always.
[screams.]
If you hit me, I'm gonna tell Mommy.
Oh, Marlon, we just want to talk.
It hurts us to see both of you divorced.
But what hurts more is that you couldn't come to your sisters and talk about it.
Well I know how much you guys love Ashley.
And I I I just didn't want to disappoint you.
And I'm sorry.
Boy, you stupider than I thought.
Come on.
You marrying Ashley? That's only one of the things we're proud of.
Yeah.
You got your 401K.
And those babies? They don't even curse.
Yeah, well that's all Ashley.
I been trying to get the boy to say disgusting things for years.
Marlon, you're the most generous person I know.
I wouldn't be able to stream my shows if you didn't share your password.
Marlon, you got a good heart.
You pretended to still be married, making a mockery of God's most holiest institution, - just to not disappoint us.
- Mm-hmm.
You going to Hell just for us.
Yeah, you are.
Aww, damn.
- I love my sisters.
- Both: Aww.
Ashley, get your ass over here.
Yeah, get your little skinny behind over here, girl.
You know you still our little sister.
Oh, we're always gonna be proud of you.
And when you step out of line, we're always gonna kick that ass.
- [chuckles.]
- Yeah.
Like we about to do in this spades game! - Oh, no! Oh, no! - Oh, wait a minute! - Oh, no! Oh, no! - Oh, yes! Oh, no, y'all didn't! - Yes.
- Come on.
- Oh, we about to do it.
- You don't know.