Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s03e08 Episode Script

We Are the Champions

I, Drax, defeated Thanos in single combat.
My friends and I turned him over to the Nova Corps for punishment.
[GRUNTS] Ooh! Oh! After that, we chose different paths, and the Guardians of the Galaxy separated! [GROANS] Since I have fulfilled my destiny as the Destroyer by avenging my families, I will travel the galaxy seeking a new destiny and a new title.
Unfortunately, word of my victory has spread.
[GRUNTS] And now I am under constant attack from warriors who wish to prove themselves by besting Drax, formerly known as "the Destroyer," which is irksome, as I no longer wish to be a destroyer! I simply asked, "How are you, sir," to be polite! I don't care about your journey of self-discovery.
You and your challengers are wrecking my shop! Get out before you damage anything else.
Go on.
Out! Out! I would leave, as you requested, but I do not know where to go next.
Out, please.
I have been to many worlds seeking a new purpose.
But even my vast riches have been of no help.
Just "Vast riches"? Just how vast are we talking? Nearly 60 million units.
Really? Then you, sir, are in luck.
In addition to being the galaxy's foremost dealer in antiquities, I also provide career counseling services for a reasonable fee.
That is indeed fortunate.
You say you no longer wish to be a destroyer.
Well, perhaps you might enjoy a pursuit at the opposite end of the spectrum, as an artist Drax the Creator.
Your studio.
This is the arena where the artist does battle with the forces of mediocrity.
I have not come to do battle, but if this Mediocrity attacks me, I will pound it into submission.
I Well, you see, I I was speaking more metaphorically.
I am told my grasp of metaphor is What was the term Quill used? "Lousy.
" Of course, a true creator uses only the finest, ahem, most expensive, ahem, tools, ahem Okay.
These look like weapons of destruction.
Tools of creation, my friend.
A subtle distinction of two million units.
And here.
For your first work, I have procured, at great expense, the finest marble in the Nine Realms: pure Asgardian alabaster.
How would one sculpt a rhinopus? The rhinopus is hidden within the marble.
It's up to the master sculptor to find it.
Just chip away anything that doesn't look like a rhinopus.
I see.
Wily rhinopus, you cannot hide from Drax the Creator.
[HAMMER BLOWS LANDING] Creation seems much more time consuming than destruction.
Face me, Destroyer.
Prince Trow-Mah of the Troyjans challenges you to single combat! I am sorry, but I no longer [GRUNTS] Destroyer, I, Prince Shokk of the Troyjans, chall Trow-Mah? Beat it, Shokk.
I got here first.
Like flarg you did.
I'm gonna beat the Destroyer, then I'll be Dad's favorite.
We You think Dad likes me? He He didn't even show up to my birthday party! Please settle your family issues elsewhere.
I am trying to create.
I'm gonna beat you to a pulp! That'll get Dad's attention! Hyah! I am no longer the Destroyer! I have the gentle soul of an artist! - Naah! - Ohh! Hey, that's my brother, you jerk! Raah! Drax the Creator will not let you harm the rhinopus hidden within! [GRUNTING] Hit him, bro.
We'll both be Dad's favorite.
[BOTH] Uh-oh.
There did not seem to be a rhinopus in the stone after all.
So you're not destined to be a sculptor.
"Drax Until Very Recently the Destroyer" is a very cumbersome title, and it still does not say who I am now.
You do have a point there.
Well, if you're not the creative type, perhaps you'd be more suited to repairing things.
Drax the Fixer.
Isn't it glorious? Your own repair facility, outfitted with the most advanced tools and diagnostic computers an obscene amount of units can purchase.
It is very impressive, but I do not know how to go about fixing.
I've already thought of that.
Everything you need to know is right here.
"How to Fix Anything.
" And remember, the customer is always right.
"The customer is always right.
" Welcome, customer.
Is there some problem with your vehicle? Well, for starters, it won't move.
Drax the Fixer will make it move.
[CRASH, CLATTER] [GASPS] Wh What did you do to my scooter? You seem displeased.
I am displeased, because you destroyed my scooter! But you cannot deny I made it move, as you wanted, for the customer is always right.
Aah! Oh, I'll give you a right.
Ha! And a left! And another right! [GRUNTING] Is this some form of payment? I would prefer units.
[GRUNTING] Hey! Huh? Hoo! Hah! Hoo! Hoo hah! Hah! Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah! Hyah! Is this guy bothering you? Somewhat.
What? No, I'm not! Then no, he is not, for the customer is always right, even when he is bothersome.
Aah! Oh! Oh! Ohh! No one bothers Drax the Destroyer on my watch! This man is a legend! In his 246 arena fights, he was only knocked down once, and that was because his shoes were untied.
That is why I changed to buckles.
You still owe me a scooter! You little pipsqueak.
I'll teach you to bother a celebrity.
You do not need to teach him, for he has already learned how to bother me.
But wha I'm sticking up for you, D.
Do not call me "D.
" And the customer is always right.
Not when he insults D the D! The customer is always right, even when he is wrong.
I agree, it is confusing.
The D-man's gonna get his props, even if I have to beat you both senseless! Oh, no.
[BOTH GRUNTING] Aah! Aah! What? Hull breach! I fear the customer is right! [WHIMPERING] Fear not.
Drax the Fixer will repair the hull breach.
Now you may fear.
Aah! [SCREAMING] Yo, D! Grab my belt! [GRUNTS] Not to worry.
Cosmo fix everything, like per usual.
But I am Drax the Fixer.
No! You've done enough! Please don't fix anything else, ever! [WHIMPERING] That's gratitude for you.
Speaking of which, I owe you my thanks, strangely costumed warrior.
I am Tryco Slatterus, but you can call me the Why would I do that if your name is Tryco Slatterus? Because I'm the Champion of the Universe.
I see.
Now please explain why muscle-boys are making holes in Cosmo's nice, peaceful Knowhere.
It was an unfortunate mishap.
I Da, da.
Cosmo read mind.
Muscle-boys fight and knock things over, bing-bang-boom.
But why does Drax look for true purpose? Cosmo sees true purpose already in Drax's mind.
You know my true purpose? You must tell me at once.
Does not work that way.
Cosmo cannot tell Drax's true purpose.
Drax must find true purpose.
Yo, D, this mutt bothering you? Hmm.
Who is beefy comrade? Cosmo cannot read this one's mind.
Well, this one thinks reading minds without permission is rude.
Aah! Stop, Tryco.
Cosmo is a friend.
I told you, it's "Champion of the Universe.
" Are you challenging me? Is this an official challenge from Drax the Destroyer? I was not challenging you.
I merely wanted A chance to prove myself in battle against the legendary Destroyer! Raah! I do not wish to fight! Aw, come on! You were born to be the Destroyer.
Yaah! Uhh! Perhaps.
But now I seek another purpose.
You have the longest unbroken winning streak in arena history.
My past accomplishments, though impressive [GRUNTS] have [GRUNTS] no bearing on my current pursuit! No! Uhh! [SIGHS] [BLOWS LANDING] Party is getting out of hand, yeah? [BOTH] Huh? Cosmo take hotheads someplace to cool down.
I feel no change in temperature, nor do I see how this will help me find my true purpose.
What do you mean, "true purpose"? You're Drax the Destroyer.
You defeated Ronan and Thanos, not to mention your 237 perfect victories in arena combat, 139 knockouts, 17 dismemberments.
As I have said numerous times, I no longer wish to be the Destroyer.
But you can't quit, D.
That's the whole reason I came here to learn destruction from the Destroyer himself.
Come on.
Teach me what to do so I can do it now that you don't want to do it anymore.
Drax the Teacher.
I do not wish to do as I did, and you should not do it, either, even if I no longer do so.
So, that's a yes.
The path of the Destroyer is not to be followed lightly.
I will not teach it to another.
[SIGHS] Okay.
I get it.
I guess we're both trying to find our true purpose.
Hey, what if I help you? Then maybe you can help me.
What's the one thing you're most passionate about? Corn dogs.
I have no idea what those are.
Let's try again.
Focus on your most burning desire.
Burning fire and corn dogs.
Of course! I shall bring forth the finest corn dogs the galaxy has even known, forged over a pit of white-hot fire.
I shall be Drax the Flame Broiler! Yeah.
Yeah! Now let's bust out of here so you can do whatever that is.
But Cosmo's an officer of the law.
I am sure he put us here for a reason.
He put us in here to cool down, right, D? Don't you feel cooler? I do feel a difference in temperature.
Then let's bust through this wall so you can fulfill your new destiny.
[BOTH GRUNT] [BLOWS LAND TOGETHER] Ha! We are free, Tryco.
I did not even get a chance to thank him.
[DRAX] I thank you, J'Que, for the use of your establishment.
For what you're paying, you can rent the joint till Knowhere picks its nose.
But Knowhere has no hands.
How could it possibly A metaphor! Ha! My skills are improving.
Your new career is powered by this creature.
[CHITTERING] The Elemental Beast is moody and ill-tempered, eh, but it's the finest and most expensive way to get even heat.
Well, uh, good luck.
[CHITTERING] Surely it cannot be that ill-tempered.
[CHITTERING] [COSMO] Cosmo cannot read Tryco's mind, but he can read Tryco's file.
Only reason powerful psychic nogoodnik deliberately get locked up in Knowhere jail is for to access Continuum Cortex.
All my life, I just wanted to be the Champion of the Universe, but nobody took me seriously.
Probably because of silly costume.
Hey! My mom made me this costume.
I guess my file didn't tell you that absorbing psychic energy makes me stronger.
[GROANS] And once I absorb the energy in the Cortex, I'll show 'em who's the champion.
I'll show everybody in the whole universe! Clearly, my true purpose is not to be Drax the Elemental Beast Master.
[CHITTERING] I need water, Beast.
No, water! Water, you irksome beast! [SCREAMS] What have you done to my place? There is no need to thank me.
[CLATTER] Strange.
Cosmo usually shows up moments after I destroy damage something.
[RUMBLING] [RUMBLING] Oh, this is not being good.
Oh, yeah, baby! Pure psychic go-juice, straight from the brain of a Celestial.
What a rush! [GROANS] Nyet.
Get away! Down, boy! Tryco want psychic throwdown? Cosmo is champion of Knowhere! [GRUNTS] Only room for one champion in this universe, pooch! [GRUNTS] Cosmo cannot fight [GROANS] all of Continuum Cortex! But you keep on trying.
Guess I'm gonna have to do something a little more permanent.
Tryco! Aah! Ohh.
You said we were both seeking our true purpose.
I am! Look at me! I am the most powerful warrior in the galaxy.
You're the one who gave up.
I looked up to you, D, and you totally let me down.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some more psy-juice to soak up.
This purpose of yours would sacrifice everyone on Knowhere.
I will not let that happen.
Aah! Uhh! Aah! Huh.
Hyah! [YELLS] Aah! You big phony.
You wouldn't know your true purpose if it punched you in the gut! Or kicked you in the side! Or slammed you in the chest! [GRUNTING] [YELLS] [YELLS] You know, I can see into your mind, like your little doggie pal.
You want to know your true purpose? You're Drax the Failure.
Drax the Dupe.
Drax the Loser.
Loser? Loser? [BOTH GRUNT] Drax wins at all things.
[YELLS] [GRUNTS] Cosmo! Uhh! Ha ha ha ha! Big mistake.
That's why I'm Champion of the Universe.
Say it! Say I'm the champion! [GRUNTS] I am the champion.
That's not what I meant! O moya golova.
Drax, keep muscle-boy busy! Come on, say it! It! That's not what I meant, either! I will not be mocked! Drax does not know how to mock.
You're doing a pretty good job faking it! [BLOWS LANDING] I am the Champion of the Universe! I'll show everybody! Fine.
You are the champion.
But I am Drax! Da.
One more punch.
Uhn-aah! [YELLS] Where did you send him? Cosmo program random coordinates.
Destination somewhere in universe.
Drax has saved all of Knowhere, so why does he not smile, eh? [DRAX] I take no pleasure in this victory.
No matter what I attempt, it seems all I can do is destroy.
Cosmo sees your mind.
Drax knows this is not true.
Drax is many things, not just Destroyer.
I am Drax the Hero, the Protector, the Friend.
But what should my name be? Drax also knows answer to this question.
I am Drax.
Simply Drax.
Khorosho! Then all is settled, eh? Except for small matter of breaking out of jail.
And massive damage to space boat.
And fixing Continuum Cortex.
I am very sorry for our misunderstanding, Cosmo.
I will pay for all the repairs.
Yeah, that's fine for his repairs, but what about mine? My name is Drax, and I am many things.
Get to work, tough guy! You owe me a year and a half of spotless glasses.
Including Drax the Dishwasher.