Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s03e12 Episode Script

Long Distance Runaround

[anchorman] This is a Galactic Info-Net Special Report.
Guardians of the Galaxy Criminal Masterminds or Interstellar Saboteurs? Seen here on trial for the theft of a mysterious Kree package.
Was it crown jewels or military tech? The Kree weren't talking, and neither were the Guardians.
An impossible escape from the most secure Kree prison ever built has earned them the wrath of Kree enforcer Phyla the Accuser.
Yesterday, self-appointed Guardians.
Today, they are the Galaxy's Most Wanted! Do you believe this, Gamora? They didn't even use the good mug shot! - There's a good one? - Of Quill? Not that I am aware of.
Quality photography ain't the point, Drax.
Now everyone in the galaxy's looking for us.
Well, at least the rain'll keep the gawkers away.
Rain? [chuckles] Think again.
We're inside Knowhere's mouth.
Aw! Gah, seriously, Rocket? Come on.
We're walking in drool? - Who'd wanna live in this slime? - Slimeballs, like Howard.
Eh, he's had a hideout here since we were hot-wiring pods for joyrides.
I am Groot! Hey, he probably had a perfectly good reason for double-crossing us.
But I'm still gonna kick the krutack out of him.
[humming] [scatting] [loud thud] [yelps] - Hey! - Hiya, Howard.
Miss us? Guys, wait.
This is all a big misunderstanding.
I understand you stole our ship and ditched us in an acid volcano! And? Okay, okay.
You don't gotta get snippy about it.
Drax will snip whatever he pleases! Now step out slowly and Why are you wearing a suit in the tub? Well, in case I gotta make a quick exit.
Like now! [tires screeching] I'm making a clean break, suckers! Whoa! Looks pretty dirty to me.
[insect buzzing] [music] [male announcer] Don't get caught with galactic plaque.
Use Photon Cosmic Tooth Cleanser.
For the galaxy's brightest white.
[music] [tires screeching] Don't tailgate him! He's lethal! He's a duck in a bathtub.
What's he gonna do, get soap in my eye? Right? What are you gonna do, duck, get soap in my eye? Huh? Aah! He got soap in my eye! [tires screeching] [grunts] [creaking] - I am Groot! - And I am prepared.
Give back what you stole from us.
Got a little something else for ya.
[squeaks] [squeaks] [grunts] Aaahhh! [grunts] [grunts, yells] You will not escape us! [yells, grunts] Forget it, Howard.
You're a sitting duck.
[grunts] What's a duuuuuuck?! [grunts] [crash] I am Groot? Well, obviously, a duck is an idiot like Howard.
Now let's take him upstairs and see if he'll quack.
[chuckling] I am Groot? I don't know.
Quill said that's what ducks do.
I am Groot.
Groot would like some information from ya, Howard.
- I am Groot! - [sighs] Fine.
His exact words were: "Tell the lying slimeball to talk, or I'll painfully extract every last tail feather from his sorry, ugly butt.
" [grunts] Next thing out of this beak will either be the truth or your tongue.
[grunts] I had no choice, I swear! - The Collector made me do it! - The Collector? He said the only way I'd ever see the outside of his tower was to get you to bring him this crazy Kree box.
I never wanted to double-cross you guys.
The Collector double-crossed me.
Fortunately, I was packin'.
Obviously, he wasn't aware of my prowess as an escape artist.
[chuckles] I not only got out, I liberated your ride from the Collector.
You're welcome.
So we're supposed to believe that you outsmarted the Collector? - Cease your lies, you foul fowl! - He ain't lyin'.
He just ain't got as much prowess as he thinks.
It's a trap.
The Collector let him escape, knowing we'd find him and then come for the package.
Well, then let's not disappoint him.
You're gonna show us where you hid the Milano, and then you're gonna take us to the Collector.
No way! I ain't going nowhere near that place again! [electricity arcing] [descending whirring] [Quill] Oh, that's not good.
Freeze, Guardians! That thing you stole from the Kree I want it back.
- Don't make me ask twice.
- Listen up, Phyla.
We don't got it, and it ain't our fault.
Howard here is gonna explain everything.
Well, if you take it from the perspective of, uh [grunts] What is this? [grunting] Now, that oughta keep her busy.
[clicks] [Quill] Seriously? It was here the whole time? What? I gotta keep my options open.
- I am Groot! - Well, don't just stand there, knothead.
Do something useful with those twigs for a change, and grow me a bridge! I am Groot! I am Groot! [yelling] Friends, please not to squabble on Cosmo's watch.
Cosmo just the pooch we need.
How 'bout you use your tele-whatsits to give us a lift to our ship so we can get outta here? Cosmo give lift, but cannot let Guardians escape.
[Guardians exclaiming] [Drax] Put us down! Sorry.
Cosmo good dog.
Must obey law.
Kree want Guardians for capture.
Not capture, execution.
Okay, Guardians, you had your fun.
Now it's over.
2 Hold them still for me.
Gah! Cosmo is trying! Cosmo must obey, but not want for Guardians to be executed.
Please to follow Cosmo's lead, yeah? Eh, tree ancient enemy to dog, making for resistance! [mock straining] [grunts] [grunts] Do not make moves, tree prisoner! Do not let them escape! [gasps] I am Groot! [grunts] [grunts, groans] [spaceship powering up] Huh.
What Cosmo miss while unconscious? Spare me the performance, mutt! Activate the defense systems, now! [grunting] Two choices, Cosmo! You can release me, or I can officially accuse you of aiding fugitives in their flight from justice! Is not justice.
Cosmo read Guardians' thoughts.
All innocent.
Except for Duck Howard.
He trick Guardians to steal for Collector.
Gullible thieves are still thieves! And no one escapes an Accuser! [growls] Ugh! Nah, don't worry about me.
I love walking back and forth for no reason while hurtling through space.
What do you gotta do to get a seat in this rust bucket? I am Groot? Ah.
Turns out the knothead can do something useful with those twigs after al [yells, groans] [chuckling] I am Groot.
Wow, Groot.
You don't just hold a grudge, you clutch it.
Hey, you don't gotta like Howard, but save it for after he gives us the Collector's coordinates.
Coordinates schmordinates.
I navigate strictly by memory.
You wanna get there, I sit here.
[growls] Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
This area's just for the business class, [clears throat] so, tsk, just, uh [shooing sounds] [engine revs] [yells] - I am Groot! - That goes double for me whatever you said.
[Guardians exclaim] Hey, you wanna try warning us before you suddenly change course? But I didn't! I didn't change nothin'! [Rocket] So how come we're turning around?! [Howard] Flarg if I know! - Nav is frozen.
[straining] - Frozen on what? Howard, I am revoking your piloting privileges! That's it! I'm switching to manual! The only person who can handle this seat is me.
Understand? Me! Hey! [yelling] [straining] What You did that on purpose! I'm trying to get this broken-down go-kart flying in the right direction! This go-kart was flying just fine before you got your feathers on it.
- He still serves the Collector.
- I am Groot! Keep your knothole shut, sawdust-brain, before I tell Rocket to dump you on the woodpile where you belong! [grunting] [growling] [chuckling nervously] Easy there, big guy.
What's the plan here? He appears to be heading for the air lock to toss the waterfowl out.
Groot, wait.
Howard may be a selfish, cowardly liar, but we still can't be sure he deliberately sabotaged the ship.
[sighs] [growls] [Rocket] He deliberately sabotaged the ship! [Gamora, Quill, Drax] Throw him out the air lock.
[Collector] Careful with my specimen.
I need it well-preserved for mounting.
Besides, I sabotaged your ship.
Ha! See? It was the Collector.
Wait What? Do you think I would just let you escape my collection? This was all part of my elaborate and delicious revenge.
Enjoy the ride.
It will be your last.
[music] [Guardians grunt] That is for breaking my collection! Now that I control your ship, I also control your destinies.
[Collector] Too many times you have broken my things! 3 [Guardians grunting, exclaiming] Now I will break yours! What kind of idiot keeps live grenades in a cardboard box, Rocket? - Who you calling idiot, duck? - What did you call me?! Seriously, I have no idea what a duck is.
Yeah, neither do I.
But if you're one, it must be the worst thing ever! Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.
Oh, you disappoint me, Guardians.
I would think you would have more important matters to discuss while I pilot your ship to your doom.
[engine revs] [Quill straining] Drax will stop your control of this ship by breaking things! [clattering, shattering] [Drax grunting] [alarm blaring] Congratulations.
You've taken out your engines.
Not that that will alter your collision course.
[Rocket] Hala? What the flarg are we doing here? [Gamora] And that's a Kree battle cruiser.
Whoa! Okay, let's just fire retro-thrusters and slow this thing! We can't.
Drax took out the engines, remember? That's still okay.
Inertia's just gonna take us straight into Oh, I don't know.
Just the planet of the people that wanna kill us? Now, who would be stupid enough to attack a Kree warship? Mm, that would be us.
You may have disabled your engines, but I still control your weapons.
- Shut 'em down, now! - There is nothing more to punch! [loud thud] [all gasp] Huh? And now the Kree will have indisputable evidence that the Guardians are their mortal enemies.
- [whimpering] I am Groot! - Groot, wait.
Remember when we jump-started that cargo carrier with nothing but a busted flashlight, a pair of tweezers, and a jug of Rajak root slime? - [straining] I am Groot? - Exactly.
One good blast from the retro-thrusters might just save us.
We won't last long enough to rig anything unless we shut down the weapons system.
- And how are we supposed to do that? - Punching! [grunts] [yells] [grunting] Rocket, how many laser cannons did you install? [Rocket] I kind of stopped counting after the first couple hundred.
Make yourself useful and hand me a - Eh, read my mind, bud.
- Come on, guys.
Let me help here.
- Tell me what to do.
Anything.
- I am Groot! My partner here suggests you go stick your beak in a vice and see if you can last five minutes without double-crossing someone for once in your miserable life.
- Oh, those were his exact words? - I embellished! Flarg it.
I don't have to put up with this krutack.
Nor do I.
[grunts] Whoa! Whoa! [grunting] Quill, Gamora, shut off the tractor beam! We didn't turn on the tractor beam.
Do you seriously need reminding that I control this ship? [straining] Aw, betrayed by your own.
Not that it will earn them any mercy.
Groot, call it out before you throw the last switch.
- We gotta time this perfectly.
- I am Groot! [yelling] [grunting] I am Groot? I am Groot! [groans] I am Groot! I am Groot! I am Groot! [growls] I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot! Oh, now you need my help.
Well, too bad.
I am Groot! Really? Those were his exact words? "Like brothers"? I am Groot? Of course I understand everything you say.
I always have.
Maybe we got more in common than we want to admit.
[grunts] I am Groot! Aw, come on.
I was going for sincere.
Guardians of the galaxy, you stand accused for the crime of theft for which you have been convicted, as well as fleeing Kree justice, - and now attacking a Kree vessel.
- Incorrect.
The one who forced our ship to attack is right behind you! That has to be the saddest attempt at deception I've heard in my entire career as an Accuser.
Drax does not excel at deception.
Now turn around and look! Silence! You are hereby sentenced to be executed, without ceremony or honor, immediately! - I am - Uh, can't we discuss this? Groot! [ascending whirring] The Collector's ship? He was telling the truth? Hala, my home world.
No! [crying] No! [crying continues] [huffs] [music] [grunts] Monster! You destroyed my planet! My entire civilization! [screams] [beeps] [cries out] [grunts] [music] [groans] Drax does not approve of this.
- I am Groot.
- Exactly.
What was he supposed to do, just leave her floating there? Wait.
You just understood Groot? - Eh, I am Groot.
- That's genius! If we divert energy from Phyla's sword to the To the thrusters, then we can power up the ship and get outta here! Yeah, the thing is, there's no longer any "here" to get out of.
The Collector just destroyed the Kree home world.
What? Oh, we gotta fire up those engines - and go after that krutacker! - Are you nuts? I mean, you you just take it easy, pal.
I'll go work on the engines.
- Are we certain we can trust him? - I am Groot.
Howard risked his life for us? - I am Groot.
- Seriously? An honorary Guardian? [door opens] [whooshing] Eh - I am Groot! - [Rocket] You're right.
I never trusted that that that duck! [beeping] So why did he leave us a tracker to help us find the Collector's ship? Eh, it's like I always say.
Nobody not even Howard is 100% a duck.
With the possible exception of a certain Collector.