M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e06 Episode Script

J310 - Yankee Doodle Doctor

I'm Brigadier General Crandall Clayton.
As one of thousands of, uh, brave Americans fighting in this scrap here in Korea, I have the honor to command a group of courageous, hardworking medical men- surgeons in uniform using their skill to repair the damage of war.
The film you're about to see is a true case of their service in a great cause.
I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you as it was to me, their leader.
All right, cut.
Save the lights.
General, lovely.
You're giving this little documentary real class.
Well, good, Lieutenant.
I wanna cooperate in any way I can.
I appreciate that, sir.
Oh, uh, I even brought that, uh, list you wanted.
Now, look, these are MASH units under my command.
I think I know just the outfit you need- the 4077 th.
Very high fitness record, commanded by a dear friend of mine, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.
He heads up the best surgical team in the whole damn war.
Real soldiers.
- ##[ Playing .]
- You dance beautifully.
Thank you.
So do you.
- You're gonna be in town for the whole convention? - Mm-hmm.
- Hey, turn that thing off, will you? -Just keep shaving, Frank.
- Hey, you're a terrific dipper.
- Oh, yeah.
After 18 hours in an operating room, where do you find the energy? Can't help it, Frank.
We're the crazy generation.
- Who's been using my razor? - I cannot tell a lie.
It was I.
I told you before to leave my stuff alone.
Oh, Frank, he only used it to shave his legs.
Oh, you guys.
- Aw! - He's so fresh.
- Ten-hut! - Hiya, Henry.
- Hiya, Henry.
- At ease, men.
Uh, this is Lieutenant Bricker.
- Lieutenant Bricker, this is Major Burns.
- Hi.
How are you? - Captain Mclntyre.
- Nice to see you.
- And Captain Pierce.
- How you been? Welcome aboard, Lieutenant.
Uh, surgeon? Well, I hope so.
We don't need a gynecologist.
Lieutenant Bricker is with Special Services.
He's a movie director.
Well, welcome anyway.
Thank you.
Uh, officers and doctors? That's what it says on my box of leeches.
Uh, the lieutenant's on, uh, special assignment.
He's making a documentary on MASH units.
And, uh, General Clayton said he couldn't make a better choice than the old 4077 th, huh? - Was he sober when he said it? - I wanna tell your story focusing on one doctor, but showing all of you, of course.
Now, any of you done any acting? [ Imitating James Cagney .]
Mm! Mm! You dirty rat.
You come in here and you ask if we've ever- You dirty rat- if we've ever done any acting.
Why, you dirty- That's not too bad, is it? I never saw Carmen Miranda done any better.
Now, cut that out.
I've had a little experience, Lieutenant.
Uh, amateur production in college.
I played Romeo.
- And Juliet.
- That's, uh- That's interesting, Major.
Thank you.
As a matter of fact, I did dramatics in high school too.
Why, for a while there, it was a toss-up whether I'd be a doctor or an actor.
- What finally happened? - Shut him up.
Well, Frank is a fine surgeon and a first-rate officer.
But he's nothing in a tight sweater.
How'd you like to have a shot at this, Captain? Who, me? Nah, I'm sorry.
I'm under contract to North Korea as a spy.
Sense of humor, huh? Moves well.
Good skin tone.
Yeah, but I promised Fred I'd never dance with anybody but him.
It's for the old - Could be laughs.
- Ah, come on.
Well, if you don't do it, he's gonna give it to Frank.
- Okay, that does it.
You got me, Bricker.
- Fine.
We'll start right away.
Gee, I was standing around minding my own business, and all of a sudden, poof, a star is born.
[ Man Over P.
Attention, all personnel.
Attention, all personnel.
Casualties in the compound.
All personnel report on the double.
Start this guy on whole blood, stat.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Uh, cut.
I want a shot of you conferring with another doctor.
You know what I mean? Talking it over? Making a decision? Hey, fella, could you smile a little bit like you got confidence in the doctor? Get this guy inside and prep him.
We promised MacArthur we'd get the war on schedule.
- Come on.
Try it.
- All right, I got it.
All right, give me a clamp.
Come on.
Give me a clamp.
Another clamp.
Will you move! Come on! - That's great, fellas.
Keep going.
- How you doing? How you doing? - I think I got it.
- We need a little more action, something dramatic, huh? - Hey, Trapper, lift his appendix.
- What? I think they need a close-up.
In fact, while you're at it, lift his gall bladder.
Maybe you can sing to his appendix.
- Get out of here with that thing! - Move! And the secret of making it better is in the hands of fine corpsmen such as you, Corporal Radar O'Reilly of Ottumwa, Iowa.
- Now, cut.
- Well, what was wrong with that one? - You always wear those glasses? - Uh, since I was two.
- They're reflecting the lights.
- Oh, isn't that interesting, sir? - The glasses were reflecting the light.
- Can you see without them? - See what? - Never mind.
Keep them on.
- But keep your head down so we don't get any reflection, huh? - Yes, sir.
Now, look up at the colonel, but keep your head down.
Look up at the colonel, but keep your head down.
Look up at the colonel.
- Oh, what have we here, His-and-hers majors? - Not interrupting, are we? No.
Uh, the major was helping me with the narration for the documentary.
- Bricker asked me to do it.
- He's a fantastic performer.
Really? And can he act too? - Give us a taste, Frank.
- Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Go ahead, Frank.
Show them.
- [ Clears Throat .]
Mm-mm-mm- - Skip that part.
"A group of brave men are at work "in a makeshift operating room "struggling to save your sons and brothers "while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary.
- [ Barking .]
- Down, boy! Down! Down! Roll over.
Jump through that.
"These are the saints in surgical garb.
" Dedicated surgeons, all volunteers.
"Every red-blooded American knows "if he is wounded, "he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor.
" A Yankee Doodle Doctor! Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni - You didn't like it? - Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.
That's hardly a constructive criticism.
Oh, you want a constructive criticism.
You're right.
How about "you stink"? And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.
Stinks? Oh,you-you- Who are you calling a you-you? Come on, Frank.
We'll rehearse in my tent.
Take it easy, kids.
Save a little something for the show.
Did you hear that garbage? It's nothing but a bunch of lies.
They're making a fairy-tale documentary.
- "All volunteers.
" - Yeah.
When they came to get me, I was hiding under the front porch trying to puncture my eardrum with an ice pick.
All right, look, we've been had.
The picture's finished, and that's that.
What? I don't think it's quite finished enough, if you get my drift.
First we get ahold of Radar.
Do you mind if I sit here? Thank you.
- [ Laughing .]
- [ Laughing .]
- Uh, sir? Do you have a minute? - For what? Well, I was wondering if you had any tips for anyone who wanted to get into the movies.
- Uh, another time, maybe, huh? - Well, how did you get started? Me? Hey.
Give me a light over here.
That's it.
[ Rattling .]
Ow! You make a lousy nurse.
Yeah, but it's been tough for me because I won't sell out.
- I mean, I'm a funny kind of guy.
- Oh, are you? Integrity means more to me than anything.
The right to do what I think is right, no matter what people think.
Spotlight, please.
Moves kind of slow in the beginning, doesn't it? Well, maybe it gets better as you go along.
- Oh, that's my bad side.
- It looked good to me.
Oh, well - Oh, oh, oh, you were good in that place.
Isn't that good? - Moves better here.
- Shall we have a double feature? Where was I? Oh, you just married your high school teacher.
Wonderful woman.
Helped me a lot with my career.
I wonder if she's still alive.
Th-th-th-th-tha- Th-th-th-th-tha- That's all, folks.
- Ruined.
- It's been exposed to light.
- Every reel.
- All of it? All of it.
Naturally, I'm worried about all of it.
But, uh, my stuff too? Well, I mean, I- Your call for General Clayton, sir.
- Did I call General Clayton? - I called him.
This is my office, Lieutenant.
General Clayton, Henry Blake.
Oh, everything's fine, sir.
Well, uh, not actually fine.
Uh, actually terrible rather than fine.
But I mean, everything was really fine before it got terrible.
- Tell him.
- Well, you see, sir, Lieutenant Bricker shot all of his movie and then someone ruined it.
Yes, sir.
Exposed it.
Well, we don't quite know how.
But it was locked up, and then someone who's very good with his hands and very good with tools, uh, like a surgeon, got- I'll call you right back, sir.
Bricker, come on.
Okay, why'd you do it? - Do what? - Do what you did.
What are we supposed to have done that makes you ask if we've done what we did? You ruined my film.
That's what you did.
Gee, I acted as well as I could.
Oh, don't get cute.
You know what I mean.
You guys opened his cans! I haven't opened a can since I was an intern.
Now, you can double-talk him all you want.
I know you exposed my film.
That's a very serious accusation, Lieutenant.
And very hard to prove.
Nobody pulls that schoolboy crud on Duane William Bricker.
[ Laughing .]
We start reshooting tomorrow, from the top.
- Fine.
Go ahead.
But do it without me.
- Aw, come on, Pierce.
- I will not work with that man.
- Huh? - He simply drained me.
- What? I'm not putting my career in his hands.
Career? Who do you think you are? The star of Yankee Doodle Doctor.
- Could I just- - Please, no autographs at this time.
- Has he left yet? - Save your voice, my darling.
- Hey, let's be sensible, huh? - Not now, Henry.
I'm going to my dressing room to lie down.
I've met some weirdos in my time, but these two take the cake.
Yeah, but at least it's honest weirdoism, not like that phony footage you shot.
- I'm not through here.
- Then we'll disregard the rumor.
- Uh, listen.
We can work things out.
- Of course we can.
We'll just do the movie without that hotshot.
- Well, uh, I don't think so.
Not really.
- Huh? Well, you see, Hawkeye Pierce is, uh, warts and all, kind of the heartbeat of this place.
Maybe we can work out a compromise.
Sergeant, get our gear loaded and take the truck to Seoul.
I'll take the next chopper back.
- Is that your idea of a compromise? - I'm a funny kind of guy.
I never compromise.
I go right to surrender.
Do you realize how important that movie would be back home, to our folks? To see the kind of job we're doing here? Gee, I told my folks I was, uh, coming over here to avoid making house calls.
Crass as it may sound, I mean, it'd be a pretty good plug for us- this movie, back home, you know.
Hey, he's right, you know? I can just hear them back at the hospital after the war.
"There goes Dr.
A fair doctor, but a great profile.
" Now, look.
This monkey's gonna hightail it right to General Clayton and they're gonna make that movie at some other MASH outfit.
That's gonna leave us right out in the cold.
- Aw! - Oh! Hey.
Uh, Henry? - What? - Can we let Bricker go and keep his camera guy here and all his equipment? - I think so.
- You still got Bricker's script.
I hope so.
[ Whistles .]
Henry, we can make this movie ourselves.
- You can what? - We can make it ourselves.
Oh, that's pretty gutsy of you.
Well, "Guts" is my middle name.
Actually, it's " Kinda Disgusting.
" - I mean, you really think you can do it? - Yeah.
Tomorrow morning we start shooting.
- Come on, Henry.
What do you say? - Okay, here's to it.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake and Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce proudly present Yankee Doodle Doctor.
Where do you come off with top billing? - Oh.
- Because of your jewelry? Okay, get a good shot of this, Sergeant.
- I'm getting it.
- Move in closer.
Cut it.
This shot isn't in the script, Captain.
Don't worry about the script, Sergeant.
-Just handle the mechanical details.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, ready? - Ready to roll.
Action! - How far away should I get from it when I- - We'll let you know.
Wait a second.
Attention, everybody.
Wait a minute.
Now, this scene is when the corpsmen unload Radar and Trapper and I come out and look him over before they take him away.
- All right? - Right.
Sergeant, put your camera right about there and get us coming out of pre-op.
All right? Get in the truck, Radar.
All right.
- [ Groans .]
- All you all right? - I'm acting.
- What? - I'm acting! [ Man .]
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight in the Mess Tent at 2100 hours, the movie that could turn Korea into a new Hollywood- Yankee Doodle Doctor, with a cast of several.
The movie that will give you a lump no surgeon can remove.
Ten-hut! At ease.
Good to see you, Major.
It's been a long time.
Too long, General.
Well, sir, uh, it's just about almost ready now, any minute now, pretty soon, sir.
Excuse me, General.
You'll be sitting over here, sir.
And, uh, Major Burns, you'll be sitting right there.
And Major Houlihan, of course, will be sitting next to the general.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
[ All Chattering .]
Quiet! Now, uh,just a second before we start here to welcome our honored guest, Brigadier General Clayton.
Now, this film that we're all about to see for the first time is the general's baby.
And, of course, we're mighty proud to be able to deliver it.
Well, then, uh, on with the show.
Will you, uh, turn out the, uh, lights, Radar? Thank you.
I'm Brigadier General Crandall Clayton.
Among the thousands of brave Americans fighting in this scrap here in Korea, I have the honor to command a group of courageous, hardworking medical men.
- Very good, sir.
So dramatic.
- Very good, sir.
Shh! The film you're about to see is a true record of their service in a great cause.
I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you as it is to me, their leader.
[ Frank Narrating .]
This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital somewhere in Korea.
Not a very attractive military post, mainly because the men of the 4077th have no time for anything but the vital work they do.
Hey, Radar! Hey.
Just a little medical school humor, sir.
[ Frank .]
Men at the 4077th are on 24-hour duty, always ready to receive those G.
's who need medical help.
- Doctor! Doctor! Can you give him a hand? - I'd rather give you one.
Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor? - I certainly am.
-[ Horn Honking .]
- Radar, you're terrific.
Just look at these guys.
- Shh, shh.
Gosh, I'm glad they brought me here.
- Wait a minute.
Have you got a reservation? - A reservation? I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Year's.
-[ Horn Honking .]
- But, Doctor- I'm sorry, kid.
You should've booked ahead.
Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well.
What the hell was that? [ Frank .]
Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room while the dogs of war bark at the very door.
Heads up, everybody.
Yankee Doodle Doctor's coming.
[ Horn Honking .]
- Nurse, is that patient prepared for surgery? - Yes, Doctor.
- Well, I'm certainly glad one of us is.
- [ Honks .]
- Tell me something.
Did you take his pulse? - Yes, Doctor.
I told you to take his wallet.
First things first.
- [ Honks .]
- Let me have a scalpel.
Don't get undressed.
Just give me a scalpel.
That's not a scalpel.
Well, that's not a scalpel.
- Now, that's what I call a scalpel.
- [ Honking .]
If this hurts, you'll be the first one to know.
But, Doctor, what about the anesthesia? No, thank you.
I prefer to be awake through this.
Give him some anesthesia.
You don't have to laugh.
You're unconscious.
You'll be a better man for this, my friend.
Who can spare a tree? Well, that's enough of that.
I think it's time to do some sewing.
- Sew what? - That's what I say.
Incision closed, stitches in place.
You're finished, Doctor.
Yes, but who are you to remind me? Tell me, nurse.
Would you like to hop into the oxygen tent for a little heavy breathing? - Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
- Anything wrong, Doctor? I think I just found my wristwatch.
- Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.
- [ Honking .]
How dare you say that in front of a lady.
- Good night, folks.
- [ Honks .]
[ Frank .]
And there are those rare moments when these saints in surgical garb may relax with simple, wholesome pleasure.
[ Continues .]
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I give you the war.
- Yuck! - [ All .]
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Three hours ago this man was in a battle.
Two hours ago we operated on him.
He's got a 50-50 chance.
We win some, we lose some.
That's what it's all about.
No promises.
No guaranteed survival.
No saints in surgical garb.
Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough.
Guns and bombs and antipersonnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it.
Not a very happy ending for a movie.
But then no war is a movie.
General, I'm very sorry.
I don't know how this happened.
- Absolutely scandalous, General.
Frank- - But please don't worry, sir.
We can do the whole thing over.
There's no need for that, Henry.
It's not all bad.
- Sir? - Look, save that first bit.
- My introduction? All of it? - Yes, sir.
- And that last piece we saw with Captain Pierce talking.
- Yes, sir.
- Burn everything in between.
- Yes, sir.
But save one print for me.
We gotta have something to laugh at when this whole thing is over.
Shall we, my dear? I'd be happy to.
I think she wanted my autograph.
You can't even talk.
- But I can write.
- Aw, gosh.
You were very good today, Doctor.
[ Yawns .]
Well, another day, another duodenum.
You didn't happen to catch my work in there, did you? Oh, yes.
But he's the Yankee Doodle Doctor.
It's a privilege to assist him.
Anytime, love.
In fact, maybe even later today.
You know, kids, I've been thinking about my next picture.
I'd like to try something light next time.
Maybe something romantic.
Why don't they ever make pictures like that anymore? You know, two brothers.
One's a Yankee and the other's a South Korean.
They don't look anything alike, and I play both parts.
Let me tell you about it.
I bet if I played it with a big black hat, I'd look like Lincoln.

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