M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e07 Episode Script

J311 - Bananas, Crackers and Nuts

- Give me some more of those sponges.
- You got 'em.
[ Hawkeye .]
Give me a sponge without a stick.
What, did you send out to the enemy for that sandwich? Mclntyre.
- Mclntyre.
- Huh? [ Slurping .]
- What a session.
- Is it Tuesday or Wednesday? - It's Friday.
- Somebody owes us a Thursday.
Either that or two Wednesdays.
What's that I smell? Fresh air, if memory serves.
Hey, Radar, what does your ear tell you? More choppers, ambulances? The deluge is over.
The enemy's pulled back, and it's gonna take 'em at least a week to regroup.
- You can hear all that? - I read the report on the colonel's desk.
Hey! Okay.
[ Laughs .]
Come on.
Let's get something to eat.
Right after we get something to drink.
Is that all you ever think about, drinking? I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich.
Listen, after having sandwiches stuffed in my ears for three days, I want some steak and potatoes.
On an empty stomach? Be sensible.
You have to have a martini first.
-Just one.
- One big one.
How big? - Picture a basketball as the olive.
- Okay.
Boy, have I been looking forward to this.
Darling, we're about to make each other very happy.
- It's dry! - You can't make 'em dry enough for me.
I mean the still is dry, you knucklehead! You didn't put the fixings in last night! - Well, I wasn't here last night! - That's no excuse! I mean, it is, but it isn't! You know what this means? No martinis! You should have enough martinis stored in your hump to last you seven days! And don't call me knucklehead! [ Metal Clangs .]
What is this? What's happening to us? Our first fight.
We're always on the same side.
Us against them.
Whoever the them, we were always us.
You know, if I was to analyze your symptoms, Yeah? - I would say stress.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Irritability from overwork.
- That's what I got.
And do you know what I would prescribe? Two days rest and recreation at the R&R center in Tokyo.
Actually, I was thinking about three days.
Well, you're the doctor.
Shall we visit our friendly travel agent? Here you go, sir.
Oh, gonna do a little outdoor surgery, huh, Henry? - Nothing wrong with a little relaxation.
- Precisely.
Before you go, we want you to arrange for a few days for us at the R&R center.
- Right.
- I'm late now, guys.
Okay, Radar.
- Now, wait a minute.
- Henry! Henry, if you don't let us go, they'll take us out of here in a rubber truck.
- If you're leaving, Frank Burns is in charge.
- And he'll never let us out.
Every time you go, he turns into instant Hitler.
- Thank you, Radar.
-[ Engine Starts .]
You'll just have to work it out.
If I don't get away for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper.
- Let go.
- I had a dream last night that I was asleep, and I dreamt it while I was awake! Are you nuts? Move out.
Were you acting? You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Lieutenant, check the patient in bed number five, hmm? I, uh, let him write a letter to his mother, but I think it may have been too much for him because I don't like the way he's breathing.
Yes, Doctor.
[ Breathing .]
Hawkeye, could I have a word with you? If it's the one I want to hear.
Listen, maybe I've been unfair.
I mean, you've asked me out so many times and- Well, I'm not on duty tonight, so, well, I was wondering- You can stop wondering.
You're about to face reality.
Wait a minute.
What did you have in mind? Whatever you have in mind.
What? Lieutenant, if I didn't know you better, I'd be hurt.
- But, Hawkeye- - I know what you want, what they all want.
You think just because a guy smiles at you and lets you get in front of him in chow line, he's a pushover.
Well, let me tell you something, Lieutenant.
Forget it! I'm not that kind of a boy.
- I'm worried about Hawkeye.
- Well, I wouldn't be.
- He does very well looking after himself.
- Very well.
That's exactly the point.
He's not himself.
- What does that mean? - He seems to be losing touch with reality.
[ Laughs .]
I think the last person we have to worry about - is Hawkeye Pierce.
- I second that.
- [ Chuckling .]
- ## [ Humming .]
[ Continues Humming .]
- Were you just in surgery? - ## [ Continues Humming .]
I'd rather not say.
[ Continues Humming .]
All right, what's all that funny business there? There's nothing funny here to me, Frank.
I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
- ## [ Continues Humming .]
- Liver? Where did you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
This is mine, and you can't have any.
Okay, okay.
But where did you get it? From that North Korean.
What North Korean? The- You mean the one that- The one that croaked.
You didn't.
He was very clean.
You must be loony! Now, what is this? If you want to join me for breakfast, we can have a stack of pancreas.
You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans! - Stop it! Stop it! - Are you crazy or something? [ Others Gasp .]
I don't think I needed that.
- Take him back to the swamp and give him the blue pill.
- Yes, sir.
Don't touch me.
Filthy liver thief.
[ Trapper .]
Well, Frank? Well, I know we've all been working desperately hard, but Pierce has always been a rock.
Let me take him to Tokyo for some R&R before he cracks up any further! [ Bangs Table .]
Frank, I'm the only one that can handle him.
I'll make the arrangements.
You know, Pierce was saying only this morning what a- what a considerate, intelligent human being you are.
He has flipped.
[Japanese .]
I've made my decision.
Why do I still feel so uneasy? Because we both know what operators they are.
How about this? I have a psychiatrist friend in the 423rd Evac.
Phil Sherman.
He's been crazy about me for years.
" Isn't that funny? I don't think anybody being crazy about you is funny, Margaret.
Frank, you're jealous.
Jealous? I envy anyone that comes close to you.
I envy the fly that walks across your upper lip.
- I envy the cotton tips you stick in your ears.
I- - Frank, the point is, Sherman's a brilliant psychiatrist, and if anybody can spot a phony- Do you see what I'm getting at? [ Both .]
My blue heaven In a few hours, I'm gonna be in the arms of somebody I haven't even met yet.
I'll drink to that.
## [ Humming .]
Uh, Hawkeye? "By order of Major Frank Burns, acting commanding officer, - Oh, yeah? - [ Clears Throat .]
"Captain B.
Pierce will make himself available tomorrow morning for an examination by Captain Philip G.
Sherman- Sherman.
" What kind of an examination? - "Psy-chi-atric.
" - Psy-chi-atric? Well, you can just tell your psy-chi-atrist that I'm not gonna be here.
Yeah, tell him to start without him.
We're gonna be in a hotel in Tokyo.
Oh, the bellhops are here.
This is a nice room.
Yeah, I, uh, I stay here all the time.
Well, thanks, fellas.
I'll just slip into something comfortable.
I think they're waiting for a tip.
- This way, sir.
- Captain Sherman.
- Margaret, I so- - Uh, excuse me, Captain.
- Take the captain's bags to the visiting officers' tent.
- Yes, sir.
- Ma'am.
- Sir? - Dismissed.
- Yes, sir.
- It's been a long time.
- San Diego.
I waited for you in the bar until 4:00 a.
You never came.
- I said I wouldn't.
- You didn't lie.
I think you'd better see Captain Pierce right away.
Captain, for me to do my job, I've got to know what's bothering you, if anything.
So the sooner you trust me, the sooner I'm gonna be able to help you.
Oh, I trust you.
Why wouldn't I trust you? - That's a very healthy attitude.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- To be sure.
- Right.
- Wrong.
Beg your pardon? Oh, I was associating freely.
I thought you'd expect that.
- Fine.
- And dandy.
- Doctor- - Nurse.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
We're not going to do that.
Oh, well, whatever you say.
- Pierce- - Arrow.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Listen, we're both professional men.
Let's get right to it.
What's your problem? I appreciate your forthright approach.
I'm gonna level with you.
I'm in love.
That's nice, I'm sure.
But it doesn't explain your rather erratic behavior of late.
Well, maybe it's because I'm in love and he doesn't even know I exist.
Did you say "he"? I'm relying on your professional discretion.
Of course.
Who is it? - Frank Burns.
- Major Burns? Frank.
Tell me about him.
You don't know what it's been like living together in the same tent month after month and having him think of me as just another guy.
Go on, please.
If only he knew I sleep every night with his shaving brush under my pillow.
I always try to operate at the same table he does.
Somehow I feel sharing a casualty brings us closer together.
Of course.
But he's only got eyes for Hot Lips.
That would be Major Houlihan? You know she dyes her hair blonde? - Oh? - Oh, yeah.
That's why I dyed my hair black.
I think Frank should have a clear choice.
Keep talking, Doctor.
Do you think a girl should throw herself at him like that? I mean, I realize I'm only a captain and he's a major.
But after all, fair is fair.
Don't you agree? Anything new develop while I was gone, Radar? - Oh, nothing much, sir.
- Good.
Just Captain Pierce all of a sudden went bananas, and they had to call in a psychiatrist.
- They what? - There's a latrine-o-gram going around that he might be shipped out to the laughing academy.
Oh, he's beautiful.
- You have that head doctor- - I'll tell Captain Sherman to see you.
Captain Sherman, do you- Captain Sherman, you know Major Houlihan and Major Burns.
- Major.
- Captain.
Well, sit down.
Sit down.
Thank you.
The captain thinks that Pierce is a candidate for the funny farm.
Now, we all know what a practical joker he is.
So, Frank, why don't you tell us about the time that, when you were asleep, Pierce tied your big toes to the bed frame and then yelled, "Fire"? Oh, I'd rather not, sir.
Well, then tell him about the time he sedated you and then set both your arms and legs in plaster and hung you from the ceiling in traction ropes.
[ Laughing .]
And- And how when you came to, you thought- you thought you had four broken limbs.
[ Continues Laughing .]
Then Pierce came in, you see, and cut him down.
Frank, I tell you, I will never forget the terror in your eyes, that look just before you hit the bed! [ Laughing Hysterically .]
Do you remember that one, Frank? I don't think I'll ever forget it, sir.
- We certainly won't.
- Pierce did that? - Yeah.
- I don't think he should get those three days of R&R.
- Neither do I.
- I agree.
Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow.
- You're gonna what? - I think Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation.
Well, wait a minute.
I mean, what if I never get him back? - We'll do the best we can.
- This is the army.
Nobody can do the best they can.
Now, Frank, tell him how wrong he is, that Pierce is just pulling a fast one.
Or we're gonna lose him.
They're gonna take him away.
Tell him, Frank.
Frank, tell him.
Major Houlihan, you tell him.
You mean poor Hawkeye? What "poor" Hawkeye? Poor, sick Hawkeye? Sick, sick, sick.
Observation? The only thing I want to observe in Tokyo is what a good time I'm having.
- You need tests.
- Oh, come on! You know I was only putting you on about Frank Burns.
Of course.
But you have done some pretty bizarre things.
Gee, I can't imagine why.
I'm 12,000 miles away from home, sewing together soldiers who aren't old enough to shave, while people I don't know keep dropping bombs on the building where I work, which has a big red cross painted on the roof.
Maybe I should just hire a band and have the whole thing catered.
Easy, Captain.
We'll be leaving in the morning.
That's an order.
Didn't anything ever get you, Captain, any situation that was thrust upon you in which you didn't come out smelling like a well-adjusted rose? Not much chance of that, Captain.
My sense of reality is my gyroscope.
Whatever the situation, it keeps me right on course.
You're a lucky man.
- I'm speaking, of course, in the past tense.
-Just relax.
Uh, Radar.
- What's up? - A mission you just volunteered for.
I was just on my way to the shower.
Well, you waited this long.
[ Slurps .]
Do you mind if I sit here, sir? No, not at all, Corporal.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
[ Slurps .]
- Would you like some soup, sir? - No.
No, thank you.
Why do you keep doing that? It's Major Houlihan, sir.
She keeps looking over here, and then when you look over, she turns away.
Really? Major Houlihan? Does that surprise you, sir? Just this afternoon, I heard her saying in the women's shower how great she thinks you are.
What were you doing in the women's shower? Actually, I was on the outside, fixing a hole in the tent.
I'm sure she was talking about somebody else.
- What did she say? - [ Slurping .]
Well, thank you very much for your advice, sir.
I'll be sure to send home for that book by Sergeant Freud.
- That's Sigmund Freud.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Night.
- Good night, sir.
-[ Clicks .]
- Uh, there's no light.
Is that so, sir? Oh, must be a burned-out bulb.
- I could scrape one up for you.
- Unnecessary.
My profession is helping people find their way in the dark.
- Oh, yes, sir! - [ Laughs .]
Very good, sir.
[ Metal Rattling .]
[ Clicks .]
[ Clicking .]
Idiotic supply sergeant.
-[ Thud .]
- Ow! It's true.
It's true! - Let me do that.
- [ Screaming .]
[ Screaming Continues .]
[ Muffled Screaming .]
Oh, pardon me.
I thought I heard somebody yell for help.
Carry on.
Carry on, hell! I did yell for help! Help! Help! Help! - It's all right, baby.
- All right for who? Get off me, you animal! - Margaret, it's me, Philip! - [ Screaming Continues .]
Captain Sherman! - Margaret! - It is not me! I mean, I wouldn't have anything to do with this pervert, this sex maniac! Margaret, it's all a horrible mistake! I've been victimized! Is that what you call it? Lying in the dark, - waiting to spring on an innocent young girl? - I'm innocent! It was that little guy with the soup! It's all a frame-up! A frame-up? You're living in a fool's paranoid.
What the Sam Hill is going on in here? She wanted me.
I mean I thought she wanted me.
- I'm a very controlled person.
- Of course you are.
You're just having a little gyroscope trouble.
A little trouble with your what? - Can I get out of here? - First thing in the morning.
- [ Yelling .]
- No! Tonight! - Even better.
- Right.
- I'll pack you some bananas.
- And I'll get you some crackers and nuts.
Good-bye, Margaret.
[ Humming .]
- Oh, driver! Yoo-hoo! - Driver! Well, here you go, men.
One full week of R&R.
- Well, if I say so myself, we earned 'em.
- Yes, indeedy.
- Now, don't forget the deal.
- If you need us, we're only a phone call away.
-[ Engine Starts .]
- Choppers.
Here they come! [ Man .]
Attention, all personnel.
-[ Helicopter Approaching.]
- Incoming casualties! Report immediately to admitting ward and operating room.
On the double! Do me a favor.
Keep the motor running until the war is over.
And don't stop the meter.

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