M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e10 Episode Script

J306 - I Hate A Mystery

- One.
- One? - One! - Can you believe this guy? He asks for one.
Will you just deal? Ten dollars.
Man's luck is not to be believed.
- Nothing worse than a sore winner.
- Luck? My openers.
Luck has nothing to do with it.
I win all the time because my heart is pure.
Right, Frank? You're a vice-ridden degenerate.
I don't think you even have a heart.
Ooh! Frank, for a doctor, that's a very serious diagnosis.
Now, now.
We all know how competent and dedicated Frank is.
That's why he and Hot Lips spend every night together in the examination room.
It so happens that Major Houlihan and I are studying the treatment of cardiac arrests.
I wouldn't mind making a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.
Her name is Margaret.
- Ooh! - $24.
50, Ho-Jon.
What's the total? Ah, $309.
68, Hawkeye.
Keep those nickels and dimes coming, gang.
You keep that up and I'm gonna put your tongue in traction.
Why did you two ever become doctors? - Why did you become a doctor, Major? - To meet girls.
It was the wish of my dear mother, the guiding force of my life who- The frame.
- Her sterling silver frame! - Take it easy, Frank.
You stole her frame, you guys! You've done some terrible things before, but this is the worst! You're fiends! - Margaret, I- - Aaah! - You look awful.
- Oh, Frank, what do you want? My mother's silver frame is gone.
Well, I didn't take it.
I'm not accusing you, but it's gone! You know how much my mother means to me.
Oh, Frank, it's only a frame.
It's the principle.
I feel violated.
My own mother's picture.
To think that those animals even laid their hands on it.
- Would you hand me my brushes? - I don't think spanking them will do any good.
No, Frank, I'm gonna brush my hair.
One hundred strokes every night.
- It's getting late.
I might just stay for 50.
- Frank, my brushes? - Where are they? - On the night table, where I always keep them.
My brushes! Where are they? Where are my brushes? - Margaret, control yourself.
- They're gone! Somebody took them! Margaret, they're only brushes.
No, they're not! My father gave those to me! [ Laughing, Giggling .]
- Leslie? - Yes? Oh, is it mine? Oh, Henry! That's the fish you caught last week.
Your very first.
And you had it stuffed just for me.
That's not all.
As a little token of my admiration, I sent to Tokyo for this.
Oh, Henry.
Oh, it's not- It certainly is.
A Sato Tanaka double-cammed reel with jeweled escarpment.
Oh! Well, I can hardly wait to show the girls.
Open it.
Oh, yes.
It's gone! - I've got post-op duty, Captain.
- Not for 26 minutes, you don't.
I'll check my alarm watch.
Must have left it in the tent.
We'll make our own clock.
First, you put the big hand here, and then the little hand there.
You're running a little fast.
[ Trapper .]
Hey! What a day! I sewed up enough people to make a crazy quilt! Have you seen my watch? It's Tuesday.
It's 1951.
What more do you have to know? I'd like to find my watch.
Ho-Jon, the elixir of life.
Drinks for me and my men, and water for our horses.
Ah, where is it? There it is.
Ah, the symphony begins.
The sultry saxophone splashes of melody.
A subtle drum brush for counterpoint.
The plunking of cool harp strings.
And now the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
[ Silence .]
And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
Ho-Jon? "Stizzle swick" not here.
Who stole my "stizzle swick"? [ Everyone Chattering All At Once .]
Everybody, will you keep it down? We're trying to talk! - Radar? - Ten-hut! Call everyone to attention.
At ease, men.
Everyone, be seated.
I assume you read my notice concerning our recent crime wave.
I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.
I'm talking about the rash of thefts that have plagued our camp.
- Our plague has a rash.
- That's the worst kind.
As it stated, in the interest of morale and unity- - Pass the salt.
- The- Yes, of course.
The guilty party need only return the stolen articles by 1900 hours tonight.
[ Chattering .]
Well, it is now 1900 hours minus 30 seconds.
The lights will now be - turned off.
- [ Everyone Groaning .]
And the aforementioned guilty party may now return the things.
- [ Woman Screams .]
Trapper, stop that! - Stop what? I'm over here.
- [ Mulcahy .]
Ohh! - [ Woman .]
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
That's all right, my child.
You couldn't have known.
Thank you.
- [ Hawkeye .]
You little devil.
- [ Hot Lips .]
What are you talking about? - Frank, you little devil! - [ Frank .]
Oh, you're disgusting! - Radar, is it 1900 hours? - I can't see the clock.
Then turn on the- - Hey, my bag is gone! - Mine too! All right now.
Who took my spoon? Somebody took my spoon! [ Henry .]
I'm sorry to say this, folks, but you have left me no alternative but to conduct a tent-by-tent search which will start immediately and continue until I unearth the guilty party or parties, as the case or, uh, cases may be.
No one will be excluded from this grueling search.
I'm including myself, right down to my right hand, Corporal O'Reilly.
Naturally I regret any and all embarrassment this may cause to whomsoever it does.
But you, that is to say the guilty one of you, have left me no other way but to leave no stones or even shower unturned on.
At ease, men.
- Mclntyre? - Yeah? - What's in here? - Soot, sir.
- Soot? - Yeah.
I'll be the judge of that.
- Pierce? - Yes? Whose is this? I'll give you three guesses.
Open it.
- Open it! - Oh, Henry, don't be ridiculous.
If you want my opinion, this whole- This whole thing is not only a complete-[ Laughing .]
a complete waste of time, it's also an insult to the intelligence of everybody- Why don't we have a drink? Henry, this is crazy! Actually, it's past crazy.
It's taken a left turn into ludicrous.
Look, if you will just tell me what the joke is, then we can let things get back to abnormal around here.
Joke? You- I don't have that bizarre a sense of humor! Oh! Now, weren't you the one who sent General Barker the brownies with the laxative filling? -The court-martial forms, Colonel.
-Court-martial? Wait a minute.
What is this? You trying to beat the four-minute frame? Speaking of which, this goes right back around my mother.
That is Exhibit "A," Frank.
And you go into the stockade.
Yes siree, Bob! - Right into the clink! - You tell him, Frank.
- You know, I've never hit a woman.
- You put one hand on her- I was thinking of you, Frank.
- Okay, let's knock it off.
- Let me know when you all come to your senses.
Then we can find out who really took the stuff.
I'm going to my tent.
Knock three times and stay out.
Pierce? - If you would just sign right here? - Come on, Major.
- He was caught with the goods.
- At least that's the way General Barker understands it.
- You called Ge- - I called General Barker.
Excuse me.
I'll get my pen.
- Where is my pen? - Pierce! - He's done it again! - Here's your pen, sir.
You left it on my desk.
- Thank you.
See what happens when you jump to conclusions? I say he should be kept under constant surveillance.
- That's ridiculous.
- Why don't we get the General's opinion on that? [ Whistling .]
[ Whistling Stops .]
Hiya, Radar.
What's up? Nothin' much.
What's- What're you up to? I'm just lyin' around.
That's the way I feel too.
You mind if I just lie around with you? Not if you use another bunk.
[ Whistling .]
Why are you staring at me? I'm not staring at you.
I'm just looking in your direction, that's all.
That's a very fine distinction.
How's it goin'? Any wealthy patients check in? What are you doin' here, Radar? Staring at me.
It's a new hobby.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
One scalpel.
[ Man Over P.
System .]
And now, a special dedication to Captain Hawkeye Pierce: "Someone to Watch Over Me.
" - Looking for me, Hawkeye? - Not really.
- Have a seat, my son.
- Uh, may I help you? - I've been hoping you'd stop by.
- Good.
Don't be deceived by these trappings.
Underneath them, I'm just an ordinary man who is as prone to temptation as you are.
Would you like to talk about it, Father? You're overwrought.
It's quite normal considering the burden you must be carrying.
In other words, you think I did it too.
I only know that given our circumstances, the best of us can behave in erratic and irresponsible ways.
As with everything else, it's all in here.
The dictionary? Uh, hmm.
I did have a Bible here.
Thanks anyway, Father.
Hawkeye? [ Man On P.
System .]
Attention! Tonight's movie is Les Miserables rables, the riveting tale of a man who steals, and is relentlessly pursued.
Sort of like somebody we all know.
- Barbara!Just the warm body I wanted to see.
- Whoops, the other one.
Let's go down to the river and practice mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
I don't think so.
Lieutenant, I've always admired your analytical mind.
You're one of the few people who can see things clearly without emotion or prejudice.
- Let me ask you- - I think you did it.
Let me rephrase the question.
How would you assess my general character? You're cynical and selfish.
When you're not in the operating room, all you ever think about is your own pleasure.
Don't sugarcoat it.
Give it to me straight.
I'm very disappointed in you, Hawkeye.
Not surprised, but disappointed.
Come on, Radar.
Let's call it a night.
It's the end of the trail for you tomorrow, Radar, 'cause I'm putting an end to all of this foolishness.
I know how to find out who's behind all this, then it's everybody off my back.
Getting so a man can't talk to his own shrub around here.
Oh, come on, Henry.
What have you got to lose? If we can catch the person that did this, you're liable to get a promotion.
- Or better yet, a transfer.
- A transfer? Well, what do I have to do? - This is just between the two of us.
- Yeah, yeah.
All right now, listen carefully! [ Hawkeye On P.
System .]
Tomorrow morning the supply chopper is coming with the equipment for me to lift the fingerprints off the stolen articles.
[ Hawkeye .]
Give me those articles for one hour and we'll have our thief.
- Pierce, that stuff is safely locked in my desk.
- What? That stuff is safely locked in my desk, and that's where it's gonna stay.
- Okay, Henry, if that's the way you want it.
- That's the way I want it.
- [ Turns P.
System Off.]
- You're welcome.
Why me? [ Hawkeye On P.
System .]
Attention, the following report immediately to the mess tent.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, Lieutenant Leslie Scorch, TrapperJohn Mclntyre, Major Frank Burns, Major Margaret Houlihan, Captain SpearchuckerJones, Lieutenant Barbara Bannerman, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
What is it, an air raid? What is the meaning of this? Who called this meeting? Look, I am the commanding officer, and I'm the only one authorized to call meetings.
Good evening.
Thank you all for coming.
I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party- the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
We know who the guilty party is.
Why do you let him- Contain yourself, Dr.
Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much.
" - Who does he think he is? - The Thin Man? You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base, preferably an enemy base.
But let us not forget Major Houlihan.
Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan.
Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime? You are sick! Still another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
- The man's a fruit cake! - And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
- You told me I was the only one! - Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess with the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of Dr.
Mclntyre! Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed.
There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet, right, Radar? Me? I'm not short.
Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry? Ah, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce.
It's going very well.
A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions.
Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime and retrieve his ill-gotten booty, or his ill-booten gotty.
Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin? A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails blue.
Look no blue.
Yeah, I know, there couldn't be.
I was bluffing.
Why, Ho-Jon? What did you need those things for? For money.
To bring my mother and sister from our village up north.
To bribe the border guards.
I didn't think anyone would miss their bits and pieces.
You're all so rich.
And your footlocker was the safest place to hide things.
- Why didn't you just come and ask us? - Yeah.
I didn't think you'd give me bribe money.
Bribery is dishonest.
Look, Ho-Jon, if it'll help at all, you can just keep the fishing reel.
I've got other brushes.
Oh, no.
You're all too good.
I can't take your things.
- You took them before.
- Okay.
- I really had to twist his arm.
- That's settled.
Now do you have enough stuff to bring your mother and sister here? Oh, yes, because I have money too.
How much money can you have? Three hundred and almost ten dollars.
Isn't that fantastic? This kid only makes a couple of bucks a week, but he's been putting aside his nickels and pennies and stealing my poker winnings! Oh, so I can bring my other sister and my baby brother- - Forget it, Hawkeye, there's too many of them.
- Bring 'em all, that's fine.
I'll make you a martini.
I'm not short.
I'm not.
I'm not short.
My mother was a little short.
That's fascinating.
- Oh, it is, it is.
- Yes, yes, very definitely.
[ Mulcahy .]
It was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
Don't look at me.
I didn't take 'em.

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