M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e11 Episode Script

J304 - Germ Warfare

[ Woman Singing In Korean Over Radio .]
Happy days are here again [ Man Over P.
Attention, all MASH personnel.
Tonight's War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been canceled due to unusually heavy indifference.
Another day of bed rest.
Oh, yes.
He's coming along splendidly.
I did this one myself.
- Quality shows, Frank.
- I like to think so.
All right.
Try not to move.
You've bought enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop.
Let's watch our language, shall we, Mclntyre? [ Sighs .]
Frank, I'm sorry about that.
But you know how it is.
War is heck.
What do you got against writing intelligibly? If I could have done that, I'd have become a lawyer.
Another day of bed rest.
Continue I.
- How are you this morning, Pierce? - Not too good but I'll feel better once I desert.
- This man's North Korean.
- Right, first time.
You'd better tell the M.
s to have him transferred to the P.
Time, Frank.
I just got this kid out of shock.
He's got multiple lacerations.
You stick him in the clink, he's liable to kick off.
He doesn't look that bad to me.
Whatever he needs, he can get it at the next stop.
I'm sending him out.
Hold it, Doctor.
What this guy needs is some plasma and some rest.
He doesn't need a ticket for being on the wrong side.
We've got limited bed space.
You know that.
Why doesn't somebody tell them that up at the front? They keep shooting each other like we've got beds for everybody.
- Get him out today.
- I don't think so.
- Don't make me get unpleasant.
- I can't improve on nature, Frank.
- He goes.
- He stays.
I'm sorry, but this time he happens to be right.
Look, I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster but this time I got to back Frank up.
I want one day for that patient.
One day.
You want.
You know, Pierce, you've got a way of making every man in this outfit feel as if he's working for you.
Henry, open your middle drawer.
Look, this is not just another beef against Frank Burns, you know.
We can't turn that kid away.
Well, I mean, you're not asking much, are you? I mean, you only want me to give him one unit of AB negative.
One lousy pint of blood.
Henry, I mean, who will ever miss it? We're talking about AB negative.
Look, if I hand out AB neg to somebody from the other side and then one of our kids needs it General Hammond will personally give me a tail-ectomy without a local.
- Yes, sir? - Radar! Damn it, Radar! How many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you? I don't like to be late, sir.
How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you? Ours is not to question why, sir.
- What, why? What? - You wanted these transfer orders, sir? - No, I want the transfer orders.
- Yes, sir.
Those ones that you've got there in your hand.
Those are the ones.
- What orders are those? - You're not transferring the Korean? I've got no choice.
Now, honest.
We've only got so many beds, and this kid's got one waiting someplace else.
That'll be all, Rad- Give me 24 hours before you ship him out.
- No.
- One day.
As opposed to 24 hours.
Henry, you're turning into a regular-army clown before our very eyes.
[ Sighs .]
All right.
Take all the time you want.
- You mean it? -Just get him out of the post-op.
All right.
Where do we put him? [ Henry .]
But I don't want any more static from Frank Burns.
- That man is a raw nerve.
- [ Hawkeye .]
I couldn't agree more.
[ Henry .]
If I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Ask him if he's comfortable.
[ Speaking in Korean .]
Look, ask him his name.
We just can't treat him like a wounded egg roll.
[ Korean .]
I wish He's called Pai.
Welcome to the end of the war, Pai.
Hawkeye? Uh, here's the personal records you wanted.
This is the entire MASH personnel here and their blood type.
Take two splints out of petty cash.
Surprising how many of us have blood, isn't it? Well, it's not so hard if you stay far enough behind the lines.
- But try to find someone with AB neg.
- Psst! - Isn't that the P.
? - That's right.
He's in my C-O-T.
I ordered him shipped out.
What's he doing here? Easy, Frank.
Henry okayed it.
He's not taking up anybody's space but mine.
Why don't you buzz off, Frank? Go review your hypocritical oath.
Trap? - Hmm? - What do you think? [ Thud .]
[ As Bela Lugosi .]
Good work, Igor.
Very good.
In the morning he will be one of my brides.
[ Whimpers .]
Not so loud, my count.
[ Mumbling .]
Margaret- [ Mumbling .]
I think we struck dream.
Oh, Frank.
You're so strong.
- You're so big and strong.
- [ Sighs .]
We don't want to get him too excited.
We might start something we can't finish.
- You got enough? - Almost.
- I want to put a head on it.
- This guy can sleep through anything.
But then, he gets a lot of practice while he's awake.
- How are you doing? - Full.
One pint even.
Should we check his oil while we're at it? You get him cleaned up.
I'll go get Pai ready.
Good night, darling.
You're the greatest.
[ Sighs .]
- Did you get it? - A full pint.
- Great.
Is he all right? - Yeah, he's fine.
They may have to put starch in his underwear to sit up, but he's okay.
I see you ordered the hunt breakfast.
- "The hunt breakfast"? What is that? - Forget it.
Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite? That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.
I just wanted to thank you for last night.
You weren't with me last night.
- I was speaking for my fantasies.
- You never quit, do you? Well, in the absence of any real success with you in the amour department you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.
You're having one right now, aren't you? Yeah.
Is this a new one, or are you undressing me with your eyes again? Well, if I did it with my hands, I'd get killed, right? - Uh-huh.
- Not a bad way to go, really.
What do you say? You got a minute? Actually, I'm trying to make some time with this lieutenant person.
- He's got a minute.
- It's about Pai.
- I'll see you later.
- I'm sure you will.
Whether I'm there or not.
- What's wrong? - You name it.
Severe abdominal pains nausea, darkened specimen, can't keep anything in his stomach.
- Transfusion reaction.
- Mm-hmm.
Last night's trip to Transylvania.
The same symptoms as hepatitis.
But it can't be from Frank's blood.
Not that fast.
Might be a new variant.
Stranger things have happened.
If Frank did have it it'd be a lovely way to get him out of our hair.
What about out of the outfit? [ Hawkeye .]
There he goes- Typhoid Mary.
-[ Trapper .]
Loaded with jaundice juice.
-Let's go.
- Hey, Frank.
- Frank! Frank, hold it up.
- Hey, how do you feel, pal? - Feel? Me? - Yeah.
- What's the gag? It's no gag.
We're interested in your health.
Oh, come on.
Frank, listen.
You, uh- Are you eating all right? I mean, do you have any signs of fatigue or anything? None.
Why are you- Well, my sleep was off a bit last night.
I had this weird dream.
Yeah, what was it? That I was a soda with a big straw sticking in me.
You know something? You could be coming down with something.
Guy works as hard as you.
Feel that.
Feel that.
- Huh? Ooh, wow.
- You guys are starting something.
- Don't be paranoid.
- Everybody's against me.
Feverish, too, Doctor.
You know? High pulse rate.
Yeah, a little disoriented.
Classic signs.
Oh, cut it out.
Hey, Frank, listen.
Why don't you give us a blood sample? The lab down in Seoul can do a complete run on you and have the results back here in two hours.
I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood.
" That's a nice thing to call us vampires.
You know, we are gonna have to check him out- I mean, for his own good.
I don't think we can do another midnight caper.
Well, we got a little left over from last night's siphon.
Might be enough.
I think we're gonna have to get something else from Frank to back that up, don't you? Definitely.
Frank, old buddy, let's hope you're not too housebroken.
Chossupnita, okay? - Okay.
- Frank Burns at 6:00.
Oh, what do you say, Frank? - Got a minute? - I'm not giving you a blood sample.
I'm probably the fittest man in this outfit.
And don't ask me again how I feel, because you have no real concern for my welfare at all.
Take it easy, Frank.
There's a vein standing out on your head you could tow a car with.
- We just wanted your help, that's all.
- You wanted my help? There's something wrong with the beer, and we can't figure out what it is.
You know all I know about beer is that I- I can't hold it.
I told you he'd be too hard-nosed to help.
Yeah, I thought for once he'd be a regular guy.
Well, let's see.
Okay, try this.
- Tastes all right to me.
- That's not enough to tell.
- It's fine.
- Okay, try this one.
- Aren't they the same? - Close your eyes.
No monkey business.
Come on.
Now try this one.
- Remember what that tastes like - Mmm.
and try this one.
Now, which one was stronger, the first one or the second? I'm not really sure.
Okay, let's try the first one again.
Now try the other one.
Well, what do you think? I'll be right back.
Which beer do you think's flatter? I-I don't know.
Just leave me alone, can't you? You don't think the first was different from the second? No.
- Why are you two following me? - No problem.
It's on our way.
- What's on your way? - Wherever you're going.
That's the great kind of guys we are.
- Oh, morning, sir.
- What are you doing? - Get this out of my way.
- I'm sorry, sir.
This is closed.
- Closed? How can it be closed? - We're redecorating.
What kind of nonsense is this? We're just trying to brighten up our lives, sir.
We had complaints the latrines lacked any aesthetic quality whatsoever and it's essential we show the Koreans democratic plumbing in action.
Does the colonel know about this? Of course he does, sir.
He signed the papers himself.
What are we supposed to do until the grand reopening? Well, if you'll just step this way, sir we have temporary officers' arrangement right over here.
- This is it? - Uh, there's more to it, sir.
- Ready, sir? - Hang on.
-You got the full scam? -I give the stuff to the lab in Seoul wait for the report, and get back here as fast as I can.
- Or it's- - My butt, sir.
Drive carefully.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, go.
- How long you figure? - Two hours, tops.
We can't let him near any patients till we get that report.
No patients.
And no Hot Lips.
[ Hawkeye .]
Observe the female of the species.
Seemingly calm and detached her tiny G.
bosom is beating wildly because she senses the presence of her frequent partner the notorious red-necked nose-breather.
The signaling process has begun.
Eyeballs are exchanged and our khaki lovers do their famous "Where'll we meet today?"ritual.
It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two U.
Army majors.
Yet the trained observer will see that what these two offiicers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass-rubbing.
[ Imitating Bird Calls .]
Excuse me.
- Excuse me, sir? Sir? - Huh? Huh? The colonel says that he'd like to see you in his office immediately.
- The colonel? - Yes, sir.
He's really upset about something and wants you there right away.
- Now? - Yes, sir.
He said "immediately.
" It was imperative that you got there right away.
Oh, well- Ah! I've been on fire all day.
Just the sight of you, and I want to do crazy things.
- Okay, where will we start? - Oh, anywhere.
What are you doing here? I'm taking a survey for the Peeping Toms of America.
You foul-minded, dirty, sneaking, spying- Not only that, but Dish wants you in post-op on the double.
Oh! You haven't heard the last of this! I bet I have.
Why-Why would I send for you, Frank? I would assume that if you sent for me, you'd at least know why.
Well, I would too.
I mean, that certainly follows.
Excuse me.
- Yes, sir? - Rad- Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said I wanted to see him.
- Is that true? - Yes, sir.
- Well, did I want to see him? - You must have, sir.
Here he is.
- Radar, are you trying to pull- - Why would I want to pull a fast one? Would you stop saying what I am thinking? One of us has to.
Sir, would you mind initialing these initials? Why am I initialing these initials? To authorize a stamp made with your initials, sir.
It'll save you having to do so much initialing.
- Ah-ha.
Good thinking.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Colonel am I dismissed? Hmm? Oh, yes.
Uh, I think we've, um just about covered it, Frank.
- Covered what? - Whatever.
Come see us anytime, sir.
But I didn't send for you, Major.
Then why did Pierce say you needed my help? Everything's under control.
That's when this place is the most dangerous.
Sorry I couldn't meet you.
I was sent on a wild-goose chase.
- So was I.
- Margaret, what's happening? They're jealous.
All of them,jealous of our fine almost spiritual relationship.
Oh, you're so right.
They want to keep us apart because we're symbols of- of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other without the tawdriness that fills their sordid little affairs.
- Yes, yes.
- Take one step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt.
Where can we go? I'll check the vegetable bins.
Frank, it's 4:30.
We have to go on hospital duty.
Eight whole hours before I can touch you? There's always the coffee break.
It's 4:30.
All right.
Let's go.
- Boone should be back any minute.
- Any minute would be just fine.
- You got 'em? - Yeah, I got 'em.
Hi, kids.
Should we make it a double date? -Just watch your tongue.
- Can you say that in front of her? Hey, Frank, we got a pretty light load in there today.
- Why don't you let us handle it? - I carry my own weight.
We can't let you operate, Frank.
You look like an ad for death.
"You can't"? The gall.
It's your liver, actually.
I think you'd better tell him.
We think you might have hepatitis, Frank.
What are you talking about? We took a pint of blood out of you last night.
- You what? - You took his what? We drilled for blood, we gave it to the P.
W and now he shows every sign of serum hepatitis.
It takes weeks for such symptoms to appear.
He probably came in here with it.
- Yeah, maybe, but who knows.
- Yeah.
My gown, Major.
- You're not going in there, Frank.
- Oh, yes, I am.
No, Frank.
You're a walking bug factory.
I'll deal with you two leeches after my shift.
- Sergeant, do your duty.
- Major.
Hey, what are you doing? Hey, get those off me, you maniac! Quiet, please.
This is a hospital.
- Let me out of this! - Enjoy it while you can.
Easy, Frank.
We'll have your report back in no time.
- Somebody! - Report? On my what? - I don't think we should tell him.
- No, I don't think we should.
- I'll have you broken.
- Better be a good reason for this! -I want these two arrested! Immediately! -You always want these two arrested.
Colonel, look at us! Yeah, well, it looks a little silly- I mean, without the music.
Look, if you have a good explanation for this, I'll be a most attentive audience.
- Sir? - Yes? Oh, not you, sir.
This sir here, sir.
Here, sir.
Unlock him.
Lab report, Frank.
All tests for hepatitis, negative.
- You can't win 'em all.
- I told you so.
That P.
came in here with it.
You stole a pint of my blood for nothing! They what? Maybe you'd know more about what was going on in this camp if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines! Redecorating latrines? [ Stammering .]
- Radar, am I redecor- - Later, sir.
Okay, folks.
Visiting hours are over.
- Uh-oh.
Bad news, Frank.
- What? - You've got anemia.
- Anemia? What do you expect if you give a pint of blood when you're not ready for it? Yeah, you should've checked with us first.
Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank.
- Very good.
- What do you say, men? - Hiya, Frank.
Hi, Pai.
- Hi, guys.
How come the enemy talks to us and you don't? You guys have a rough shift today? Bad enough.
But we didn't forget our star patient.
No hard feelings, Frank? - Well- - That's good, because there's a transplant we'd like to experiment with, and you're just the right type.
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