M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e12 Episode Script

J313 - Dear Dad

[ Blows .]
[ Thinking .]
Dear Dad, a lull at last, after almost three straight days of meatball surgery.
Seventy hours of sewing kids together.
If this keeps up, I was thinking of asking the army for a raise.
Either that, or putting on some lipstick and earrings and getting a discharge.
If war was hell in Sherman's day, you can imagine what it is now.
- Retract that bowel so I can see something.
- Retractor.
- Go.
- Ease up, Frank.
- Well, hurry up, will ya? - Clamp.
- Clamp.
The tension in the O.
is always a foot thick, but we do our best to cut through.
Anybody hear how the game turned out? - Yeah, the Bears beat the Packers 21 to 10.
- I'm trying to concentrate.
- Try the library.
Long fingers.
- Long fingers.
- Can't we have some military discipline in here? - Good idea, Frank.
Lieutenant, throw out your chest.
Why? It looks perfectly all right to me.
If jokes seem sacrilegious in an operating room, I promise you, they're a necessary defense against what we get down here at this end of the draft board.
Colonel Blake needs your help.
-Frank, pull that back for me, will ya? -Okay, got it.
All right.
You ever thought of leaving your behind to science? Henry Blake's a good doctor and a pretty good Joe.
As a commanding offiicer, well, it's a bit like being on a sinking liner, running to the bridge and finding out the captain is Daffy Duck.
But more about old Henry later.
Christmas here in Korea, as with you in Vermont, is soon upon us.
["Hark! The Herald Angels Sing".]
[ Man .]
The glee club meets in the mess tent at 0800 hours.
The first number on tonight's schedule is Father Mulcahy's solo, "I'm Confessin' That I Love You.
" [ Hawkeye .]
Still, there is some effort to celebrate the idea of peace on earth, even though there's shootin' in them thar hills.
[ Big Band .]
How far had Radar O'Reilly gotten in my last letter to you? I think, if I'm not mistaken, he had mailed the backseats by then.
This week he's smuggling out the front seats.
It took Trapper and me a while to figure out what he was up to until we did a fluoroscope of one of his packages and found out he was mailing a jeep home, piece by piece.
- What's in the box? - Toys for the orphans, sir.
- Oh.
Let me give you a hand.
- Would you, please, sir? [ Hawkeye .]
Radar's not the first guy to do this, of course.
It's an old army bit.
I wouldn't be surprised if one of George Washington's soldiers hadn't mailed home a horse one piece at a time.
Radar can't wait until he gets his discharge and tells his mailman back in Iowa that he actually delivered a whole jeep for him.
The guy'll probably have a retroactive hernia.
Come to the mess tent with me, Dad, and I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
["Winter Wonderland".]
[ Man On P.
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
- Hi, Radar.
- Hi.
- It's lookin' good, Red.
- Wait till it's finished.
- 8:00 tonight, right? - Make it 9:00.
- No sweat.
- I'll be ready.
That'll make two of us.
There are certain rules in this man's army that are carried over from the year one.
Thanks to these regulations, all of us know precisely what to do in case we're ever attacked by the French or the Indians.
One of the more ridiculous customs is the monthly lecture.
- Hey, hey! - Whoo! All right, people.
Let's settle down.
This month's topic is [ Muttering .]
marital sex and the family.
- [ Hawkeye .]
Louder, Henry.
- Uh, and the family.
- The first part.
- Marital se- [ Clears Throat .]
- Let's hear it for this month's topic! - Yea! Whoo, whoo, whoo! Now,just hold it down, okay? It's not actually necessary that any of you officers be present.
[ Chuckles .]
Only the enlisted personnel are required to attend.
- Why should they know more than we do? - Yeah, I got a date tonight.
I want to learn as much as I can.
Let's just can the jokes.
I'd like to get right down to the sex.
I mean, uh, the talk about the, uh, what I'm supposed to talk about.
- Radar, would you uncover the charts? - I'll uncover the charts, sir.
- Your pointer, sir.
- Thank you.
- [ Wolf Whistles, Hoots .]
- Thank you.
- Good luck, sir.
- All right.
Um the, uh- We start here.
We've got your, uh, your man and your woman.
- Which is which? - The one with the big hips is the man.
- Oh.
- Can we have an end to these comments? Some of us happen to be genuinely interested in this subject.
I've devoted my life to this subject.
At least a good many of the nights.
Dirty mind.
Well, you know what they say.
Dirty mind, warm heart.
[ Henry .]
Uh, now- Uh, we, uh- [ Clears Throat .]
Excuse me.
Uh- The union of, uh, figure "A," man, and, uh, figure " B," uh, the, uh, woman [ Laughing .]
is the most sublime expression of romantic love.
However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
- [ Trapper .]
Uh, sir? - Mm-hmm? What happens in the event that figure "A" is attracted to figure " B" and wants to get married, but figure "A" is already married to, say, figure "C," and figure "B"is engaged to figure "D"? But figure "A" can't keep his hands off of figure " B," because she's got such a great figure.
Well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
- That figures.
- Okay, moving right along now, we come to the matter of family reproduction.
How it really happens.
How it all really happens is, uh, really, uh, one of nature's really cute things, really.
Uh, first of all, it is necessary that these charts- that these two married charts- it is necessary that they, uh- uh- that they, uh- - They what, sir? - that they, uh- - Dismissed.
- [ Cheering .]
Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Hey! Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, ladies and gentlemen! ["The First Noel".]
- 10:00 tonight? - Make it 11:00.
Yo, Hawk! [ Man On P.
The following men have volunteered for this afternoon's ten-mile physical fitness hike.
[ Hawkeye .]
To bring you up to date on my copilot Trapper- As I wrote you earlier, he's developed a thriving, very lucrative private practice on the side over here.
On a good day, he collects about 50 or 60 smiles- the kind you never forget.
They're gettin' too hip.
That didn't hurt, did it? [ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs .]
- [ Speaking Korean .]
- [ Hawkeye .]
Whenever the locals want help, invariably it's "Trapper" John Mclntyre they turn to.
Whatever it is, it's urgent.
- Okay, okay.
You take care of the kids.
I'll be back.
- Okay.
Last week he performed a service that really set him up with the townies.
- [ Korean .]
- He helped with a diffiicult delivery that added one more precious life to the village- a bouncing baby veal- for which service the doctor received one gallon of mother's milk.
[ Lowing .]
Father Mulcahy is stringing popcorn all over the place in an attempt to give this cesspool a Yuletide look.
He's a terrifiic guy, our priest.
But I never tell him, 'cause I don't want to foul up his humility.
I can tell you this- I don't envy him this parish.
At least I didn't last Wednesday.
- Pierce.
- Yes, ma'am.
I'm here to relieve you.
- You do resemble an enema.
- You're beat, Captain.
I suggest you hit the sack this afternoon instead of chasing nurses.
That's a good idea, Frank, but some of those girls have been waiting for months.
Well, whatever you do, I want to see you shaved the next time I see you.
- I shaved this morning.
- Well, shave again, - and this time take one step closer to the razor.
- Aha.
Very good.
Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.
[ Scatting .]
- Klinger.
- Sir? - Where did you get that? - Nurse McCarthy give it to me, sir.
- I'm talking about that bandana.
- Oh, that's my good luck.
My ma gimme this when I shipped out.
- Well, take it off.
- Oh, sir- - I want that bandana.
- I'll have my ma send you one.
Soldier, you're out of uniform.
Sir, the nurse said to get these right to the lab.
A nurse said? You're placing me under a nurse? - You said it, I didn't.
- Stop! - [ Crashing .]
- You see what you did? - Me? What, are you crazy? - Fellas, fellas- No, wait- No! [ Grunting, Groaning .]
Hey, hey! Go get him! Fellas, now- Come on! Break this up! - Klinger!Just before Chri- Oof! - Aagh! - What, are you crazy? - Go on, scram.
Scram! Get out of here! [ Whistle Blowing .]
- What's goin' on, Father? - Shh-shh-shh! - He's exhausted.
- Okay.
Where's the guy that exhausted him? Let me take care of it.
Please? - I'm not even Catholic.
- Would you like to be? ["Good King Wencheslaus".]
- Could I see you, Corporal Klinger? - Not now, Father.
- I gotta see the major.
- Is that a grenade? - That's what it is, Father.
- A live grenade? I thought I'd stick it in the major's ear and find out.
Give it to me.
Don't touch me, or you're gonna be a lot of little priests.
Klinger- He broke the bottles.
The nurse wanted them in the lab.
I can't take this off! Something'll happen to me! - Klinger- - Stop.
- ##["Joy To The World".]
- Another step, and I'll take us both out.
He's tired.
We're all tired.
You tired too? I can't get to sleep unless I count sacrificial sheep.
Give me the grenade.
Please? Can I keep my bandana? I guarantee it.
It's from my ma, you know.
She said, " Never take it off.
" - No reason why you should.
None at all.
- Heh! - Sorry, guess I just- - Corporal Klinger, I understand- [ Man .]
Attention all personnel.
When filling out G.
insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday.
["Away In A Manger".]
Our nurses are a great bunch of girls- never a complaint, and they really work their lovely bottoms off.
Being so far from home at Christmas is kind of rough on them.
I've certainly done my share to keep up their morale, but I've only got two hands.
One lady in our outfit who has no problem at all with her spare time is our chief nurse, "Hot Lips"Houlihan.
The major is a paradox.
A woman of considerable passion, she is also a stickler for military correctness.
I wouldn't mind making a grab for her myself, but I don't know how to do that and salute her at the same time.
As I've written you, Frank Burns and Hot Lips have been an item over here ever since they both laid their beady little eyes on each other.
They think no one's wise, but the only one over here who doesn't know about their romance is General MacArthur's pipe stuffer.
Frank plays it very cool at all times.
He and Hot Lips had a date the other night, but it was the last thing Frank would admit.
Ah, going out tonight, Frank? Just to stretch my legs.
[ Groans .]
What's that? - It's French.
- Oh.
No wonder you smell like a snail.
Ha ha.
[ Hawkeye Thinking .]
What neither Frank nor Hot Lips knows is that earlier in the afternoon, while they were off picking berries or whatever, Trapper and I stopped by her tent.
We spent a few minutes getting the place ready for their date that night.
It turned into some enchanted evening.
[ Blows .]
Three guesses.
- General MacArthur? - [ Giggles .]
- Clark Gable? - Ha ha ha! - Ah Dr.
Schwietzer? - Right! All three times.
- Frank.
- Margaret! [ Moaning .]
- Frank, don't make any marks.
- Uh-uh! [ Laughing .]
Frank, we've got hours.
That's right.
Let the others get theirs.
To go, Frank.
Hours to go.
Oh, of course.
[ Giggles .]
Gee, it all looks so nice.
You've got golden hands, Margaret.
Mmm! Oh! Did you, uh, hear the rumor that peace talks might be starting? Don't even think it.
[ Moaning .]
Oh, Frank, the candle! We may be throwing shadows.
Frank? Somebody's been fooling with this.
It's a gag candle! Oh, why can't people leave us alone? Yeah, you'd think they were all my wife! Oh, Frank! Oh! I-I'm sorry, Margaret.
I- F-Forget that I said that.
I did not say that.
- I didn't hear you say it! - Oh! - Oh! - Mmm! Oh! Aah! Aah! Someone sawed through these legs! There's pudding in the pillow.
- Oh, boy, I'm gonna get them for this! - [ Groaning .]
I'll get 'em all, each and every dirty- [ Creaking .]
Oh, Frank! [ Screams .]
Oh, I'll get them, I'll get them, I'll get them! Oh, boy, I'll get them for this if it's the last-[ Screams .]
- [ Frank, Hot Lips Continue, Indistinct .]
- Good night, Trapper.
Good night, Hawkeye.
[ Man .]
A reminder that the 4077 th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at 1400 hours.
So everyone turn out to meet the kids.
Santa will be there too.
We can only hope he's sober.
["Jingle Bells".]
[ Conversation Indistinct .]
Excuse me, sirs.
Would you hold this, please? Uh, Pierce? Pierce? Captain Pierce! Pierce! Are you crazy? It was a Christmas present.
If you'd like, I can do it into a stocking.
Why you-you are a moral degenerate! Me, a moral degenerate? Santa Claus? Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Margaret, are-are you all right? I'm fine, Frank, fine.
Well, the man's a beast, an animal.
Yeah, every bit of him.
What's the idea givin'Hot Lips mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? I was getting a culture for the lab.
Any good? I think if we could get her away from Frank, she could become a major kisser.
- That's what she's doing now.
- Oh, yeah.
How am I gonna get this thing off? You realize if my father sees this, you'll have to marry me.
I wouldn't marry you for five dollars.
How's our house? - Standing room only.
- Great.
Help me with my bag, okay? - I've gotta see you.
- [ Deep Voice .]
You'll have to get in line, little fella.
- Santa can't play favorites.
- Hold it! Radar, where's that- - Here, sir.
- There's a squad pinned down on Hill 28.
They're caught in cross fire.
- The corporal's been hit bad and needs cutting pronto.
- [ Hawkeye .]
How do I get there? - Chopper's waiting.
- Here you go, Santa.
- Wait a minute.
I'll go.
- No, it's a chest wound.
It'd better be Pierce.
There's an extra nurse on the bottom.
Save her for me.
- You betcha.
- Here you go.
Hey if I don't see you merry Christmas.
Tell me when you see me.
'Tis the day before Christmas, Dad, and I'd much rather be in the house.
Just too many creatures stirring around here for my comfort.
Frankly, the last thing I'd figured when I went to med school was winding up flying into battle dressed as Kris Kringle.
But then those kids down there are in the last place they ever figured.
[ Explosions, Gunfire .]
Holy cow! And you said there was no Santa Claus, huh? P.
, Dad, I almost forgot to wish you a merry Christmas from everyone at MASH- "Trapper"Mclntyre Henry Blake even Frank Burns "Hot Lips"Houlihan future used-car dealer Radar O'Reilly Ginger Ballis Father Mulcahy Corporal Klinger all the ladies of the ensemble and of course, me, your loving son and unsuccessful draft dodger, Hawkeye.

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