M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e18 Episode Script

J317 - Dear Dad, Again

[ Hawkeye .]
" Dear Dad.
Sorry I haven't written sooner but you know how the work piles up around here.
Korea's pretty much the same story: The fighting goes on- the hatred, the violence the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals then, of course, there's the war.
Business unfortunately remains very brisk.
- I think you know by now I'm not being flip - [ Bomb Exploding .]
but, doing meatball surgery, you either develop a thick skin or you wind up in the Tokyo Giggling Academy.
" Oh, wow, what a mess.
Stomach, kidney, liver.
[ Hawkeye .]
What is this- an organ recital? Keep it down.
I'm doing something very difficult here.
Trying to tie your shoe again, Frank? Colonel Blake, could we have some measure of military discipline? [ Trapper .]
Good idea.
Everybody up for calisthenics.
[ Hawkeye .]
Care to join me for some push-ups, Hot Lips? - [ Margaret .]
Oh, really! - Knock it off!.
[ Hawkeye Reading .]
"Luckily we've got an extra pair of hands these days- - Captain Adam Casey.
- [ Bomb Exploding .]
He's really a fine surgeon, every bit as good as I am- and I'll get him for it.
" Wanna give me a hand with these intestines? They're shot to pieces.
Give me a retractor.
[ Hawkeye Reading .]
"The work may be hard and ugly, but we can always count on - the North Koreans to hand us a couple of laughs.
" - [ Bomb Approaching .]
[ Exploding .]
- Oh, what is that? - [ Henry .]
They got the generator.
[ Margaret .]
We need some lights in here.
[ Henry .]
All right, nobody panic.
Let's keep cool.
- [ Frank .]
Who's panicking? - You're panicking, Frank! - I can't see anything.
But it's dark.
- So? Shove any patients you can't finish under a table.
They'll be safe there.
How the hell did you get in the army, Frank? - Three-0 silk.
- Three-0 silk.
- Suture scissors.
- Suture scissors.
" "Snoo"? What's "snoo"? Nothin' much.
What's "snoo" with you? - Can't you ever be serious? - I tried it once.
Everybody laughed.
[ Hawkeye .]
"And so it goes.
Here comes Corporal Klinger, one of our orderlies.
A nice guy whose only purpose in life is to get out of the army- a purpose shared by three or four million of us - only Klinger- he'll stop at nothing.
" - [ Knocking .]
Come in.
Captain, I have the X rays you wanted to look over.
Thank you.
Uh, Klinger do you mind a little constructive criticism? - No, sir.
- First of all, it's gorgeous.
It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
- Thank you, sir.
-Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip.
With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.
Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.
- Thanks for the X rays.
- Yes, sir.
- May I ask where you got that? - Mail-order catalog, sir.
A white wedding gown? I'm entitled.
I'm a virgin.
[ Hawkeye .]
"I guess the sanest guy in the outfit is Father Mulcahy.
It's a wonder he doesn't go deaf from the sound of all the commandments breaking here.
" [ Groaning .]
Father, is everything all right? - It's my back.
- Did you throw it out? No, but I'd sure like to.
- Let's go in the tent.
I'll take a look at it.
- Thanks.
Thanks, Captain Casey.
Do you have a history of back trouble? Yeah.
Started in Jesuit school- all that kneeling.
You stay with your back toward me, Father and just relax.
- [ Cracking .]
- [ Grunts .]
Now how's that feel? Better! My back really feels better.
Good, good.
Now, you just try and take it easy for a few days and stay off your knees.
Thank you very much, Doctor.
- Father? - Yes? It's all right.
Oh, Doctor, one good turn deserves another.
Father can we consider this a confessional? I am a priest.
I'm not a doctor.
[ Moaning .]
[ Hawkeye .]
"I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad.
We're nowhere near that organized.
What we are mainly is bored- bored right out of our skulls.
" - Nothing fazes anybody around here! - What's the matter with you? - Everybody's a cipher.
An army of walking zilches.
- All of a sudden- I could walk around this compound- I could walk into that mess tent order lunch stark naked, nobody would pay any attention to me.
- Are you crazy? - I bet you 50 bucks.
- A little drink before lunch? - Don't mind if I do.
One for the road, as it were.
[ Southern Accent .]
I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers.
We don't usually serve people without neckties.
- Shall we? - After you.
[ Whistling .]
[ Wolf Whistle .]
- [ Chattering .]
- [ Shrieks .]
- Fifty bucks.
- I left my pockets back in the Swamp.
Now that's tasteful without being gaudy.
[ Wolf Whistle .]
[ Hawkeye .]
"It's very quiet at the moment, Dad.
The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly, a amazing kid.
I've never put much stock in E.
P but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind Radar has that ability, the little fink.
" Is that a nice thing to say? "I don't know what Henry Blake would do without Radar and I don't know what we'd do without Henry but I can't wait to get home and find out.
" - Uh, sir? - Yes, Radar? - Are you busy? - No, no, no, no.
- Sign these please, sir.
- Righty-o.
Oh, for- - My dad's pen.
- Oh.
What's this, Radar? - That's personal, sir.
- Well, you can tell me.
My name's on it.
Well, I'm taking this correspondence course from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.
- The Triple-A- - High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.
- I see.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, uh, it's final week- And you want me to take you to the senior prom, right? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
That says that I passed my final exam.
How do I know you passed your final exam? You must, sir.
You signed it.
Easy, Radar.
Now you know me.
I'll sign anything army- I mean, I'll sign the surrender papers- but I've got a reputation and a civilian practice to think about and the last thing I need in this world is trouble from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.
I'm sorry, sir.
You know, if you want, you could give me the test.
I just didn't wanna take up your time.
That's no problem.
I mean, the war's pretty slow right now.
Where's the test? It's right here, sir, in this officially sealed envelope.
- The seal's broken.
- Oh? That must have been the censor.
They're always on the lookout for a dirty question.
Well, let's see here.
All right, Radar, take a piece of paper and a pencil and sit down.
Comfortable? - [ Clears Throat .]
C-O-M-F-O-R- - No, no, no.
- That was just a rhetorical question.
- Oh.
I don't study those.
- Study what? - Rhetoricals? Come on, Radar.
Stop horsing around.
I'm- I- I'm very nervous, sir.
Well, look, take a deep breath.
- That makes me throw up.
- Look,just settle down.
Now this is not gonna be difficult.
- There.
Good boy.
You okay? - Yes, sir.
First question.
"What is a three-sided object with two equal sides?" The Gettysburg Address.
" For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?" The isosceles triangle.
- Something wrong? - No, no, no.
- No, your answers are right.
- Oh.
You just memorized them in the wrong order.
I just peeked at the first few.
- That's cheating.
- It's my only chance.
Nonsense, Radar.
Now you're smart enough to get through this on your own.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Now I'm gonna give you two famous dates from history.
- Okay.
- 1492.
- Okay, hold it.
- 1776.
- 1776.
- Now, what do these two- - I know! - What? - 3,268.
Congratulations, Radar.
You've just graduated from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.
Oh! Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Um- Oh, this is the proudest moment of my life.
- Radar? - Sir? - Your dad's pen? - Yeah.
See if you can get the coffee out of it, will ya? Yes, sir.
" Now, Dad, let me bring you up to date on Frank Burns and Hot Lips- the King Kong and Fay Wray of the 4077 th.
Last week Frank paid an afternoon call.
But Hot Lips argued that she had a brain and Frank was only interested in her bones.
We then found out impossible as Frank is as an enemy, he's intolerable as a friend.
" - Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Abe Lincoln.
- Abe Lincoln who? Don't you know me? [ Boisterous Cackling .]
That's awful.
- Okay, can I do another one? - No! - Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Thomas Jefferson.
- Thomas Jefferson who? Was Abe Lincoln just here? [ Boisterous Cackling .]
Hawkeye, I never liked you.
Hiya, Chuckles.
I gotta hand it to you, Frank.
You got all the gaiety of an impacted wisdom tooth.
Is that a martini? In case you didn't read the paper today, Prohibition was repealed.
Well, I want one.
- A drink? You, Frank? - A double.
Frank, if you have a drink you'll loosen up.
You might even smile.
- Frank, you could break your face.
- And leave out the olive.
Do you wanna talk about it, Frank? I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna think about it.
I don't wanna think about talking about it.
Hey, Frank, take it easy.
That's very young gin.
Frank, go slow.
That stuff will take the paint off your stomach.
Fill her up.
A, B, C, D E, F, G, H, I I got a gal In Kalamazoo - [ Hawkeye .]
- #Zoo ## - Frank! - Yo! If you don't stop singing, I'll glue your tongue down.
Oh, don't be a party pooper.
- Or a "pooter parpee.
" [ Cackles .]
- [ Trapper .]
The party's over.
It's a quarter of 3:00.
And there's no one in the place except you and me - Frank, do you take requests? - Oh, anything.
Shut your cake hole.
Oh, shut your cake hole The more I want you [ Trapper .]
Come on, Frank.
Knock it off!.
Close your eyes! If I close my eyes, my brain won't get any air.
- Your what? - Well, I got a brain, you know.
I got a brain as big as hers are.
Right, pal.
Right, buddy.
- Pal and buddy.
- I sure hope that's not a song.
Get away from there, Frank.
We're closed! You know no one ever called me "pal" or "buddy" in my whole rotten life.
You know what my own brother used to call me? My own brother? Ferret face.
Can you imagine that? Do you think I look like a weasel? - No, Frank.
You're very handsome.
- Honest? - Honest.
- Really? - Do you think he looks like a weasel? - Who? Ferret face.
Hey, I had a brother used to call me that.
Frank, go to sleep.
You look beautiful.
Are you sure you don't love me just for my body? Believe me, Frank, that's the last thing we love about you.
Go to sleep.
Come on,you guys! Let's do something! [ Man Shouting .]
Hey, knock it off over there! Oh, yeah? How would you like to step inside and say that? [ Blowing Raspberry .]
Come on, fellas.
Let's do something.
- We don't wanna do anything.
- Well, then I'll do something.
- What should I do? - Fall down, Frank.
[ Loud Crash .]
Can I see you for a second, Hawkeye? I told you not to disturb me during the Korean War.
I love your blood type.
I've always liked girls with that blood type.
It's important.
Go away.
This young lady of the nurse persuasion and I are discussing the possibility of a surrender.
She's giving me her terms right now.
Why don't we go back to my place- I think you're gonna wanna see this.
- Where are you going right now? - To the nurses' shower.
Good, then I'll see you, unless they plugged up the hole.
- Important, huh? - Yep.
It better be or I'm putting your appendix back.
"Captain"Casey, huh? - I'm gonna talk to him right now.
- After the choppers.
- What choppers? - Wait for it! [ Man Over P.
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers with wounded.
Report to the hospital.
All personnel.
Very good work, Captain Casey.
Thank you, Father.
- I'll give you a hand here.
- It's all right, Captain.
Better let me give you a hand, Sergeant.
The Provost Marshal has a circular out on you.
You're hot, fella.
You gonna blow the whistle? Be off the base in 24 hours, and never- repeat, never- touch a patient again without a license.
And contact me the minute you get one.
You're a damn good surgeon.
On the level? Next to you, Frank Burns is an alterations lady.
I gotta ask you one question.
- Why? - Yeah.
Well, I've passed myself off as a teacher a lawyer, an engineer.
I can do it all.
I just never had the patience to go through it by the numbers.
I guess I never had the drive to get the diploma the permit, whatever.
Try it once.
You'll be great, Casey.
Schwartz, actually.
"I forgot to thank you for sending me your old tuxedo.
It really added a touch of class to our charity no-talent night.
" [ Ragtime .]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Before bringing on our all-star attraction I'd like to say that tonight we raised over $300 for the Korean refugee fund.
And someone who wishes to remain anonymous gave five dollars for Israel.
- [ Chuckling .]
- And now, we'd like to bring you an act with a lot of polish, and they're going to sell it right after the show.
[ Groaning .]
And here they are, those doctors of rhythm those medics of melody, the 4077 th's own Hawkeye Pierce and his Swinging Surgeons under the direction of Colonel Henry Blake.
Give me an " M.
" Mmm [ False Start .]
[ " My Blue Heaven" .]
[ Discordant Note On Piano .]
- #You'll see a smiling face # - #When whippoorwills call # When evening is nigh We'll hurry to - My blue heaven - Heaven A turn to the right A little white light Will lead you to My blue heaven You'll see a smiling face a fireplace A cozy room A little nest that's nestled Where the roses bloom Just Molly and me And baby makes three We're happy in My blue heaven One more time! [ All Shouting .]
"I'd like to write more, Dad, but it is Saturday night- the one night we all look forward to.
I'm gonna shower now, shave put on a clean uniform and cry myself to sleep.
Kiss Mom and sis.
" - Hawkeye! Hawkeye, you asleep? - I never know.
There's somebody here who'd like to say good-bye to you.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank you for everything you did and everything you didn't.
In a place crawling with characters, you certainly held your own, Doctor.
No, not anymore.
Good-bye, my son.

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