M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e19 Episode Script

J319 - The Long-John Flap

[ Wind Howling .]
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
- I hope that wasn't something important you just threw away.
- Oh, no, sir.
Just some copies of orders rescinding orders that were never sent out.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Why can't they send us something decent to wear? I hear they got a whole bunch of winter issue in a big warehouse in Seoul.
Wish they'd send us some of that stuff.
You know, I am sick of going through Command.
- Look, let's send a letter straight to Quartermaster.
- Yes, sir.
[ Wind Howling .]
- Uh, Commanding Officer, - Commanding Officer, - Quartermaster Corps, - Quartermaster Corps.
- uh, Sir.
- Sir- Seoul.
- Seoul, Seoul.
- Seoul, Seoul.
Uh, I gratefully acknowledge the receipt of your latest shipment of supplies to our unit.
to our unit.
The mosquito netting and the summer underwear were very much appreciated.
Oh, boy.
I am wearing so many pair of cotton drawers, my thighs don't know each other anymore.
thighs don't know each other anymore.
Don't tell him about my thighs, Corporal.
- What's the matter with you? - I'm sorry.
All right.
Now paragraph two.
- Two.
- Okay.
I respectfully ask, however, - that you review our latest request for long underwear, - [ Repeating .]
parkas with fur liners- Hey, do you know those nice wooly caps with the earmuffs? - Oh, yeah, yeah! - Okay, put that down, but in military talk.
Now then, uh- To the best of my knowledge, the entire outfit is enduring severe hardship due to the lack of warm clothing.
Uh, have you got that? Soon as my hands thaw out, sir.
In the cool, cool, cool of the evening When the singin' fills the air And in the shank of the night when the dewin's all right You can tell them I'll be there In the shank of the night when the dewin's all right Well, you can tell them I'll be there ♪You can tell them I'll be there ♪ [ Humming .]
Courage, Camille.
Hey, you wanna turn down the radiator? I worked up a sweat out there.
[ Wind Howling .]
You're wearin' long johns.
Certainly I am.
You think I wanna catch cold and die like you? - Where did you get 'em? - My father sent 'em to me.
Right after I wrote him I'd be home for Christmas, whether Truman said I could or not.
[ Humming .]
- Hawkeye? - Yeah? I'll give you $20 for that pair of long johns.
What? What? Are you kidding? I wouldn't take I'm warm! Warm, do you hear? Warm! I'll give you, uh- I'll give you $50 and a picture of my children.
Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bedclothes.
Sixty dollars.
You can have the children! Thanks, but I have no place to keep them.
Why don't you take your other blanket and use that? I'd like to, but somebody stole it.
This war is turning everybody into a criminal, and it's making me sick.
Well, next time try to stay out of the draft.
That's great! -[ Wind Howling .]
- Oh, boy! Listen to that wind.
The snow is snowing The wind is blowing - # But I can weather the storm # - [ Sneezes .]
[ Coughs .]
Now look, pal.
I don't care how pitiful you get, I am not giving you my long johns.
I don't want 'em.
You keep 'em.
- No point in both of us getting sick.
- Fine.
You'd better get some rest, Hawkeye.
You're gonna need all your strength tomorrow.
To bury me.
[ Sneezes .]
Some people don't care about anybody but themselves! Now, shut up and go to sleep! It's your bet, Radar.
If I have three cards and they're all red, is that three of a kind? Is that a question for a grown man to ask? Okay, I bet 20 bucks.
- Twenty bucks? - Like takin' candy from a baby.
- I fold.
- You? Foldissimo.
Well, I'm in.
Trouble is, I don't have The Mummy here beat me for 170 bucks tonight.
Well, how you gonna bet? [ Wind Howling .]
Could I, uh- Could I interest you in, uh- You got long underwear? Wait a minute! I gave them to you 'cause you were choking to death! You can't bet my long johns just because your nose stopped running! I got to.
I'm down to my last three dollars and an old brassiere hook.
- I gotta get even.
- Suppose you lose? - Against him? - Uh, I wanna see this underwear first.
I have very sensitive skin.
Wow! Soft as a baby's bottom.
- Okay, let me see your cards.
- You better win, pal.
Full house.
Ha-ha! - I guess that beats two pair, right? - It sure does! - What were they? - Tens.
Yeah? Tens and what? That's it.
Two pairs of tens.
Is that good? You lost them! How did it happen? You lost my beautiful double-weave, semi-woolen, sensuously soft long johns to an astigmatic missing link with four tens! That's how it happened! All right, bub.
Put your underwear where your mouth is.
[ Wind Howling .]
I haven't been this warm in days.
What a terrific invention.
Can you do that and walk at the same time? I'd like to eat this before I have broccoli-sicles.
Certainly, Mr.
Full House.
Why don't you sit with us doctors so this discovery doesn't get lost to science? I can't, Hawkeye.
I promised I'd sit with someone else.
Is there a reason this line is going so slow it's moving in the opposite direction? I just lost a fantastic hand-warmer to another guy, and I wanna see who it is.
She must have frostbite on her taste.
Let's get closer.
[ Wind Howling .]
How did you get your hands on them? [ Clears Throat .]
Uh, well, when you've been around for a while in this man's army, you-you-you get to learn a few of the ins and outs.
What the hell is he talking about? Put your hand in there.
Oh, that feels so good.
Soft as a baby's bottom.
I'm gonna break his leg, set it, and break it again! Come on, Hawkeye.
Can I get you some pie? Would you? I gotta keep my energy up for later.
Can I have some more, uh, pie for Nurse Beddoes, Sergeant? Sure.
[ Radar .]
She's got quite an appetite.
If you know what I mean.
You're some guy, Radar.
What's your secret? Well, I like to put 'em on a pedestal, you know? Surprise 'em with little gifts.
Put your hand in there.
Feel that.
If he lets everybody feel them, there won't be anything left but a package of lint.
- Look in here.
- Wow! - Is that a whole one? - A complete leg of lamb.
- It'd take you a whole weekend to eat it.
- Yeah.
In exchange for those.
- That include the mint jelly? - You got it.
Something came up.
I can't make it tonight.
There goes the last of the great leg men.
Filth! This isn't a kitchen.
It's a bacterial breeding ground, a germ kennel! How long of a walk is it from here to the soup, Sergeant? About three feet, sir.
And nothing walks faster than a bacteria.
I've made over 700 meals here, sir, with only one illness.
That was three months ago.
Are you feeling any better now, sir? I'm not concerned about myself.
It's the men.
- I'm reducing you to corporal.
- Sir, are you busting me? Yes.
And with a corresponding reduction in pay, of course.
My invalid wife is dependent on my- my sending her a few dollars every month, sir.
- Is this the same wife you had when you poisoned me? - Yes, sir.
As I remember, I couldn't punish you then because your wife had just died.
Oh, she got better.
See, they only thought that she was dead.
She was stiff and everything, but, uh, it was nothing.
Her death was all in her head.
Sergeant, I would be very surprised if you never even had a wife, let alone a stiff one! The men in this outfit are very lucky I came in here tonight to get warm and found this mess.
Is your tent cold, sir? No colder than it was for our boys at Valley Forge.
I, uh, wonder if you know who, uh, might have left these here, sir.
- Double-weave long johns.
- Double-weave? I have no need for them, sir, and if you want them, you'd be more than welcome to them.
[ Clears Throat .]
[ Wind Howling .]
[ Groaning .]
Hey, look what the giant rodent has on his body.
Suppurating pustules, if there's any justice.
- Where did you get those long johns? - Wouldn't you like to know? Those are mine, you hermaphroditic weasel! Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce.
And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything.
If I didn't think it would warm you up, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp.
[ Hawkeye .]
Say your prayers, Frank, or the Tooth Fairy may come and knock out all your teeth.
Imported French Camembert cheese.
Frank, where did you get it? - My wife sent it to me.
- [ Sighs .]
Frank, how much do you love me? - How much? - Yes, much.
How much? Oh, Margaret, you're my pearl, my guiding star.
Let's drop the poetry, Frank.
How much am I worth to you in cold, hard reality? I don't understand.
Do you want a loan? I'm talking about us, Frank.
What would you give up for me? The moon, Margaret.
The moon.
That would be a wonderful gesture, if you had it.
Now, is there anything you can think of- that you have- that you would give up? - Gee, no.
- How about your wife? Well, now, how would that look to our minister? He lives right up the street from us.
- Frank? - Hmm? I think- I think we should reevaluate our friendship.
Margaret, don't say that.
Whenever you say that, I get nervous chilblains and my fingers crack open.
Oh, get up and don't be disgusting.
- Margaret, you know how I hate the cold.
- [ Shivering .]
You know how my fingers bleed when the slightest winter breezes start.
I can't pick up the smallest little thing without pain.
Yes, yes.
May I give you a pair of heavy winter civilian underwear? You mean, if you ever get a pair? These.
You've let me sit here and freeze to death- with socks on my hands- while you've been parading around in those? You tell your fingers to start bleeding, Frank, and get out! After you give me that underwear! [ Wind Howling .]
Hold it, fella.
Mickey Mouse has warts.
Never mind the small talk.
This is a stickup.
I'm not making small talk! That's the password! And you can't hold me up.
I'm a major! Sure, I can.
I'm crazy.
Ask anybody.
"Crazy Klinger.
He wears a dress.
" Take off your clothes.
Take off my clothes? Now look, Klinger.
I know you're trying to get sent home as a nut, but wearing dresses is bad enough! Don't get repulsive! I want your long johns.
I don't happen to have them anymore.
And you're going to be sent to the stockade for this! Don't, Major.
I gotta have long johns.
I'm getting a terrible draft up my skirt.
If you had the guts to serve your country like the rest of us, you wouldn't have to work so hard to prove you're crazy.
You don't think this takes guts? Walkin' around all night in this little, thin cocktail dress? I don't even have a fur stole.
I have to wear this cheap cloth thing to keep from freezing.
- Oh.
- Hold it! Outta my way, Klinger, or you're under arrest! Major Burns, nobody takes me seriously.
I'm gettin' tired of that.
Damn it! I'm freezing myself!.
Major Houlihan has the long underwear! Oh, sorry, sir.
No offense.
Outta my way, you freak.
The next time we meet, I wanna see a shine on those high heels! Ahh.
Somebody, quick! Somebody! What's the matter? Are you all right? Yes, yes! Quick, get inside! Get in here, quick! Close the door! You don't know the nights I've lain awake dreaming of this moment.
May I kiss your oak leaf, Major? Where were you just now? In surgery, perfecting my old sawing-the-man-in-half routine.
Where do you think I was at this time of night? Somebody ran off with my underwear.
Well, I hope that teaches you something about blind dates, Margaret.
They were stolen from my clothesline.
They were very valuable, double-weave, woolen long johns! Your underwear? Now they're your underwear? You wouldn't even have seen them ifTrapper hadn't been coughing up his lungs! And that febrile idiot didn't hold four tens against our throats and didn't get an adolescent crush on a leg of lamb.
Your underwear? Once you got them, you couldn't even keep your hands on them! Only God knows where they are now.
- There you are, soldier.
- Thank you, Father.
You're very welcome.
[ Klinger.]
Psst! Father! - Over here.
- Yes? - I'd like to ask your advice on a spiritual matter.
- Why, certainly.
If you need something- I mean, if you're really cold or something- it wouldn't be a mortal sin to steal something from somebody who was kind of a rotten person anyway, would it? Well, have you stolen something? These.
Oh, my.
Aren't they nice? Whoever you took these from must be very cold right now.
Father, if I give 'em back, the certain person I took them from would like to have me killed.
- I've really been trying to avoid that lately.
- Oh, I see.
I keep hearing the artillery going off every night when I go to sleep.
Every night it keeps getting closer.
- I can't stand it anymore.
- I know.
I hear it too.
- You hear it too? - Yes.
It gets closer every night.
I'm really in trouble.
I was just making that up.
Father, you have to help me.
I gotta get outta here! Put your soul in order, my son! Excuse me.
I think you're bending my glasses! - Couldn't I just give 'em to a needy person? - No.
I know it's hard, but try to do what's right.
I'll try, Father.
May I have your blessing? Certainly.
But you're holding down the hand I do that with.
Now, pray for strength and-and guidance in order- Hello? Oh, dear.
They certainly look toasty, Father.
Actually, I took the liberty of wearing them last night.
It was getting late, and I didn't wanna bother you.
Had my first real night's sleep in ten days.
I'll bet you did.
Well, better keep them locked up until you can find the owner.
- A lot of people would like to get their hands of them.
- Don't you worry, Father.
I'll ask around.
And then meanwhile, I'll stay very close to these.
Nice talkin' to you.
Uh, Radar? Yes, sir? Uh, Radar, have you lost anything? - Have you found anything, sir? - I'll ask the questions.
- No, I don't think so.
- Fine, fine.
Then I want you to note that I asked you that question at noon on this day.
Yes, sir.
Is there anything else you'd like me to so note? - No, that is all.
- Would you mind signing this? No.
We'll do that later.
Thank you for- Is Henry in? Uh-uh, some of him is, but most of him is still hangin' out.
Move! [ Wind Howling .]
Well, hi.
Are we interrupting anything? I guess this looks pretty funny to you guys.
Why? Are we laughing? We came to report the disappearance of a pair of long johns which we own and which you are wearing.
Oh, yeah? Hey, can you identify them? I got a better idea.
Why don't you identify 'em? - Okay.
- Uh, without looking.
Well, uh, they're long.
And they're johns.
That's them, all right.
I guess they're his.
- Okay, Henry, let's have 'em.
- Come on.
If you think I'm handing these over to you guys without checking this out- Look, I'm planning on conducting a very thorough investigation.
- It might take a couple of months.
- We want them! You're talking to two very cold, very crazed people! You both can't wear 'em at the same time.
We're gonna have a contest.
Whoever throws you the farthest gets to keep them.
- Ooh! - I didn't even touch him.
- [ Groans .]
- What's the matter? Are you sick? - No, don't be an idiot.
- It's a new dance? It's just a little indigestion.
Now, forget it.
Get lost.
Let me feel your abdomen.
You don't have to feel my abdomen.
I'm fine.
I told you it's a new dance.
Very graceful, Henry.
- This hurt? - [ Groans .]
Henry, I think what you're having trouble digesting is your appendix.
I knew you'd say that.
First thing you guys wanna do is cut a guy open.
Couple of sadistic creeps.
Look, this is just your basic gastric distress.
[ Groans .]
How long have you had these pains, Henry? Off and on for a couple of weeks.
I thought there was something bothering you.
What other symptoms are you having? I don't have any symptoms.
Look, it'll all clear up the next time I throw up.
- You've been throwing up? - Well, uh- Come on now, don't get any ideas.
You guys aren't gonna cut me open.
I mean, nobody's gonna cut me open.
We better do something quick.
This examination is killing me.
He's burning up.
I think his indigestion is about to burst.
Can you make it into a table, or do you want us to carry you? - I'll walk.
- Let's go.
By the way, I loved you in Duck Soup.
Did you lose something, sir? Go get Nurse Beddoes.
We're cutting him open.
-Just 'cause he stole your underwear? - Will you go? I want a local.
And I wanna know what you guys are doing every step of the way.
- Okay, Henry.
Don't worry.
- I want- No, you better give me gas.
I don't wanna see any blood.
Just take it easy.
Leave this to us.
I saw this in a movie once.
- What are you gonna do with those? -Just gonna expose your skin.
- No, no! - I haven't even touched you yet! Never mind me! Don't cut the long johns! [ Snipping Sounds .]
[ Radar Over P.
Here's the announcement you've all been waiting for.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake is the proud father of a bouncing baby appendix.
Henry's doing fine.
And the underwear has been saved! [ Cheering, Applause .]
We're a hit.
Colonel Blake wants to thank you for saving his life, Hawkeye.
- Shucks.
'Tweren't nothin'.
- Yeah, well.
Anyway, he wants, uh, you to have this token of his undying gratitude.
- I hope that's a discharge.
- Oh, no.
It's these.
Oh! [ Sneezes .]
Oh, no.
No, no! No, no, no! [ Coughing .]
Forget it.
How 'bout- [ Coughs .]
Oh, no! Uh-uh! Forget it! No, sir.
No, sir!
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