M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e20 Episode Script

J322 - The Army-Navy Game

- I'll see you.
- Bye.
- Morning, Radar.
- Hi, Father.
I thought you might bet the football pool.
For ten bucks, this time tomorrow you could be a thousand dollars richer.
All the wealth I want you can find in here.
Is that where you keep it? Little joke.
Listen, Father, you don't have to write your name.
You could make a little cross.
Very well.
Hey, Klinger, you wanna get in on the pool? No.
All I wanna do is get out of the army.
Just keep wearin' those dresses.
They're not gettin' me out.
They're only gettin' me whistles.
- Henry, tune in the game, will ya? - I'm tryin'! Henry's not very good with his hands.
- That's why he became a surgeon.
- Very funny! Hey, hey, I got it! Here we go.
Whoa, ho-ho! [ Male,Japanese-Accented .]
Nothing less than death will be the reward for you American running dogs of imperialism! He sure picked a funny way to sell used cars.
[ Static, Tuning Stations .]
[ Male Announcer.]
With less than two minutes before the Army-Navy kickoff, we pause for station identification.
- This is Armed Forces Radio Service- - Sir, $1,000! [ Henry .]
A thousand bucks! Don't nobody move.
This is a stickup.
Maybe we'll forget the stickup.
I got a better idea.
Am I late? I had to change.
If you think I'm giving you my chair, you're crazy, lady.
How 'bout one for the Gipper? Father, Notre Dame is not playing.
Oh, then what's all the excitement about? [ Announcer.]
Navy, having won the toss, has elected to receive.
There's an electric excitement in the stands as we prepare to witness this 53rd gridiron classic.
- Uh-oh.
- Quiet, Radar.
- Sir, I think you better forget about the game.
- What? Wow, that's close! That guy can really kick a ball! More on the way! [ Explosion .]
- Check the hospital! - 4077 th M.
[ Henry .]
Look after the bed cases first.
[ Radar .]
Yes, sir, we did hear.
- Sir, have Major Burns look after the hospital.
- Mclntyre, have Major Burns- - He'll work from here.
- Right.
I'll work from here.
- Radar, who was on the phone? - Regimental Headquarters.
- They just want us to know we're under enemy attack.
- They don't miss a trick.
Also, the Navy fumbled.
The Army's got the ball on the 35.
For a minute, I thought we were in trouble.
[ Explosion .]
- Regimental Headquarters.
- Radar, get me Regimental Headquarters.
See if they can't take some of the heat off us.
- I'm with you.
- Pierce, are you scared? Don't be silly.
I'm too frightened to be scared.
- Doc? - Yeah? How come my nurse needs a shave? - Frank, you're magnificent in the face of danger.
- I know.
Excuse me.
You haven't seen my crucifix, have you? - Someone yanked it off trying to break their fall.
- No, Father.
- Who's winning the game? - I don't know.
We've temporarily lost our country.
Doctor! [ Explosion .]
- Are we dead? - Feels like heaven to me.
[ Radar .]
Gangway! Headquarters? I can't hear you.
Speak up, will you? Fragments came through the office.
Is that you, Mildred? I'm going to be a little late, dear.
Trapper, check him out, will you? - Hello? Operator, we've been cut off.
- What did Headquarters say? - We never got through.
- Let's try again.
Just a moment, Pierce.
With Henry in that condition, I'm in charge here.
Okay, Frank, go slip into your crown and robe and you tell us what to do! All right.
- Well? - Well, gimme a minute.
I'm not sure we've got one.
They're shelling our rears off from both sides! - [ Bomb Whistling .]
- Get down! - Hello? - [ Thudding Sound .]
Stay down.
Stay down? Either something that was supposed to happen, didn't, or something that didn't is gonna.
- And if it does, down is gonna be up! - Hello? -There's an unexploded shell out there.
-We know, Frank, we know.
- We've got to evacuate immediately! - I think I did.
Let's go.
Operator, we've been cut off.
Hello? Hello? Hel- Yes, yes, please hold.
Hawkeye, Regimental Headquarters, Colonel Hersh.
Was that a- Yeah, yeah, don't panic.
I'm doing that for everybody.
Go help inside.
Hello, Colonel.
Captain Pierce, 4077 th M.
Can you speak up? - [ Announcer.]
He's to the 35, the 30- - [ Hawkeye .]
Hello? - Hello? - You're gonna have to speak up.
Hard to hear with the game on.
We got a little game of our own.
Not only are we pinned down by enemy fire, we just got an unexploded bomb in the middle of the compound, - and everybody's waiting for the kickoff.
- Steady, Captain.
It's emergencies like this that separate the men from the boys.
I'm sure it will.
First, you're to stay put.
Your whole sector is being hit very heavily.
- What about the bomb? - You have to determine if the bomb is still ticking.
You got any stethoscopes? We're a medical unit! Place your stethoscope on the bomb- gently.
Keep the vibrations and the noise down to a minimum.
I won't say anything if it doesn't.
Check the outer casings for markings, you know, serial numbers.
Then get back to me, and I'll tell you how to defuse it.
Call me at halftime, will you, Captain? Certainly.
If I don't hear from you, I'll understand.
Well, what did he say? He said if you follow instructions, Frank, you won't have any problems.
If I follow? Well, why me? - You're in charge, aren't you? - Well yes.
The bomb has to be defused.
That's not something you can order another man to do, is it? - What's the scam? - We're just about to draw straws to see who defuses the bomb.
Boy, do I know when to come into a room.
Short match goes out and gives the bomb a physical.
- I'm a married man, you know.
- So am I.
- I'm not.
- You got more to live for than either of us.
Okay, who bought it? Just go out there and write down all the markings you can find.
Most importantly, find out if the bomb is still ticking.
Good luck, buddy.
You all right, Frank? Hmm? Oh, sure.
I just need a moment to compose myself.
Always, before a crisis.
[ Breathes Deeply .]
Odds or evens? Evens.
The, uh, little black tips, they go in your ears.
- Radar! - Shhhh! Who are you shushing? What are you doing in your stocking feet? You been at the still again, right? - [ Loud Whisper.]
I'm working on a bomb.
- What kind of bomb? An unexploded bomb.
[ Whispering .]
Oh, that kind of bomb.
Well? The ticker's very faint.
Not the bomb's, mine.
The bomb is ticking away loud and clear.
The letters, "A-Able, "F-Fox, S-Sugar, Then underneath, three small circles and a square.
You sure, Colonel? Those markings don't check out at all.
It's not a Russian bomb, Chinese, Polish, Czech- It doesn't even belong to the United States Army.
- Then what do we do? - Try calling the navy.
Well, why would the navy drop a bomb on us? Because we're beating 'em Radar? I put the call in.
We should have Naval Operations in a minute.
-[ Knocking On Door .]
-[ Klinger .]
Father? Yes? Well, yes? It's me Corporal Klinger.
Why, Klinger! Surprised, huh, Father? First time you've ever seen me without a dress, right? Exactly! Why, you're- You're a very nice-looking young man.
Not that you don't make a very nice-looking young woman as well.
I mean, well, you know, when you wear- Father, this is the suit I was drafted in.
I wasn't gonna wear it till I got discharged, but with that bomb out there, I figured I'll be goin' home in a million pieces.
Well, not necessarily.
I just wanted to be sure you knew why I always wore dresses around here.
- It's only that I would do anything to get out of the army.
- I understand.
At the draft board, I ate the eye chart, I licked the doctor's ear, I jammed his letter opener in my heel.
Not one of life's volunteers, eh, son? It's only that I was brought up to respect life, Father, and that's impossible with all this killing.
- Quite.
- So this is the last way people are gonna see me.
Like a person with a nice suit.
Unless, of course, the bomb don't go off.
Then I'll be back in a dress so fast, it'll melt your rosary.
Sorry, Father.
Why, not at all.
Sir? Commander Sturner, Naval Operations, Seoul.
Commander, this is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, M.
4077 th.
What can I do for you, Drake? Sir, we've got an unexploded bomb in camp.
We're trapped under constant enemy fire, we're loaded with wounded, and the only way out of here is through our own mine field.
- There's only one thing to do.
- Yes? Punt! Why should- I beg your pardon, sir? Did you say- - Sorry- - [ Announcer.]
There's a huge pileup- My advice is, hoist anchor.
Shove off.
But the army's orders are to stay.
The army? What do they know? They just fumbled on their own one-yard line.
Look, can you tell me whether the navy is bombing any inland targets? I certainly hope so.
Then, have you got any armature marked- It's marked A-F-S Then there's three small circles underneath and a square.
Let me get back to you.
I just hope I'm here when you do.
I was saving this for New Year's Eve, but the way things are- Should auld acquaintance be forgot No sad songs.
If that bomb should explode, I'm prepared for us to go off together, Margaret.
If we had only met in another time, in another place.
It would've been nice.
"Nice," Frank? Just nice? Not just nice.
It would've been nifty.
There's nothing to do till that navy joker calls.
We just have to sit and wait.
Can't even get that game on the radio.
No, sir.
Twenty-one, twenty.
How do you know that, sir? Ohio State-Illinois.
Last game of the season.
- I was team manager.
- Ohh! Two minutes to go.
Crazy Wilensky, great quarterback.
Only weighed 120 pounds.
Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse.
Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington.
Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line.
- One foot! Can you imagine? - Twelve inches.
Not 12 inches.
One foot.
Anyway, Tanker's hurt.
Twisted his ankle.
So quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off.
Thirty seconds to go.
The ball's snapped to Crazy.
Crazy fakes a handoff to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker.
And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
- Tackled.
- No, I taped the wrong leg.
Was he mad? To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light.
And he's a judge now.
Don't I know your sister? - Uh, Lieutenant? - Yes, Radar? I have a little confession I'd like to make.
- I'll be right with you.
- No, uh, Father- Uh- For months now, I have worshipped you from below.
Why, Radar! [ Explosion .]
Uh, with all these bombs going off, and the one that hasn't yet, I thought maybe you and I could check out the supply tent together.
I wish I could wink.
You don't need to.
Bomb's got to go off.
I never had such a good hand.
Really, poker face? I'll open for two blues.
Wait a minute.
The blues are worth $5,000 or $10,000? For the last time, the whites are worth $5,000, the blues are worth $10,000, the reds are worth $25,000.
A whole stack is worth a million, and at the end of the game, we'll settle for half.
I'll call.
By the way, what happens if the bomb doesn't go off? Then the whites are worth 25 cents, the blues are worth 50 cents, and the reds are worth a dollar.
Ring! - [ Ringing .]
- Yeah? Drake? I finally tracked your bomb down.
Yes, Commander? It's whose? - The C.
's? - You heard me.
- The C.
has their own bombs? - Yep, and it's one of theirs.
What do you mean, theirs? I thought we were in this thing together.
The important thing is that little bugger's been ticking for an hour.
On its own, it could go off in another hour.
When it stops ticking, the navy thinks it detonates itself in two minutes.
The navy thinks? The navy doesn't know? The C.
won't tell anyone its business.
If we blow up, I hope I rain down all over them.
All we know is it's a spring-cylinder type.
It's got two clockwork-attached fuses, one at the base, one at the head.
I've got the disarming instructions right here.
- Mattresses? - Right there.
- Got the right instructions, Henry? - I hope so.
I hope so too, otherwise I'm gonna come back in the next life as a squirrel and run up your pants leg.
Here are the tools.
One for the road? While we've still got one.
What happened to your two friends who play the fife and drum? Look, I've moved the wounded out as far as I dare.
Those of us that are staying behind are mighty grateful.
Wait'll you get our bill.
Look, you guys, I'm gonna be on the squawk box to you from the bunker.
Just defuse it, and then run like hell.
But with dignity.
Pierce? Mclntyre? Can you hear me? One more yell like that and you and I will have interchangeable parts.
Heartbeat's regular.
First, you need a wrench.
Now place it gently on the nut just above the locking ring, and loosen.
Now, rotate the locking ring counterclockwise.
Now, remove the tail assembly.
And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
But first, remove the fuse.
Psst, psst! - You spring a leak? - It stopped ticking.
Let's get the hell outta here.
We've only got two minutes, maybe.
It's a propaganda bomb.
"Give yourselves up.
You can't win.
Douglas MacArthur.
" [ Man On P.
System .]
Attention! The final score- Navy 42, Army 36.
And the winner of the football pool is Father Mulcahy.
- You won again.
- You always win.
Who do you know? [ Hawkeye .]
Ah, excuse me.
Now that things are back to normal around here, I have a confession to make.
Yeah? What is it? I'll tell you later.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode