M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e22 Episode Script

J320 - Major Fred C. Dobbs

- Clamp.
- Clamp.
- Suture.
- Suture.
- Scissors.
- Scissors.
- Can't you work any faster, Frank? - Haste makes waste.
- Never at a loss for a cliche, are we? - Is everything all right here? It will be as soon as Frank stops sewing his fingers together.
You missed a fragment! Why didn't you give me suction so I could see it? You didn't ask for any, Doctor.
You're useless! The help around here is impossible.
Why don't you find yourself another war, Frank? - Forceps.
- Forceps.
There's your fragment.
I don't ever want her at my table again.
She's an incompetent bungler.
And you got that from an expert on the subject.
I can think of better ways to spend the morning.
Back home I could be giving some nice blue-haired lady a hysterectomy.
How about selling married couples his-and-her-terectomies? Oh, you're punchy.
The natural result of pulling bits of hardware out of teenage bellies.
This place is driving me out of my already demented mind.
My head is getting wall-to-wall crazy.
- Would you like a drink? - Is gas inflammable? Hey! Ginger! Ginger! Thanks.
Did you know Frank was stolen by Gypsies as a little boy? No.
Police found him, brought him back to his parents.
They refused delivery.
So the police brought him back to the Gypsies.
They didn't want him either.
And then the cops brought him to the woods hoping the bears would raise him.
After one day with Frank, the bears attacked the Gypsies.
Thanks, Hawkeye.
It's about time for Frank to be taking his post-surgery nap now, isn't it? Henry, that tooth's really bad.
Hold this back with your tongue.
This is it, Colonel! This is it! I know I've asked for a transfer before, but this time I mean it.
I want out! Ow! Uh, Frank, will you just calm down? What's happened to your hook- your hand? Mclntyre and Pierce, that's what happened.
And for the last time! I don't care which MASH unit you send me to, I want a transfer and I want it now.
Look, I can't transfer you with your arm looking like that.
There's nothing wrong with my arm.
And you're not gonna change my mind.
I've had those two up to here.
You better cut that thing off before you hurt yourself.
You have no idea what it's been like living with those two perverts.
Oh, they're not really so- They're not? I take my life in my hands every time I go to bed.
One morning they gave me the "Princess and the Pea" treatment.
"The Princess and the Pea?" [ Frank .]
They nailed five cots on top of each other.
I was sleeping 12 feet off the floor.
It's a good thing you don't walk in your sleep.
I don't think it's funny at all.
Of course not.
Nor is it humorous to wake up with hamburger stuffed in your ears.
[ Henry .]
Hamburger stuffed in your ears? [ Frank .]
Do you know what it's like being awakened by a wet nose? Frank,just leave my married life out of this.
- Watch it before I swallow your watch.
- Sorry, sir.
- You bring a lot of this on yourself.
- Oh, really? Well, I certainly didn't bring last night on myself.
[ Henry .]
Last night? It's not too hot, is it? We don't wanna wake him up.
Just right.
You sure this is gonna work? As sure as Niagara Falls.
[ Gasps .]
This is terrible.
I- Oh! You guys! - Okay, Frank, you'll get your transfer.
- Thank you.
You know, Frank, as rough as it's been sometimes, I think I'll miss you.
It might not have come to this if you'd had the backbone to maintain discipline around here.
Well, so much for missing you.
This can't be Death Valley Scotty, can it? No, he lets you sit on his pony while he takes your picture.
If you're looking for the gold rush, take a left and go down the road about 100 years.
Okay, you guys.
What if I told you there's real gold out there? Come out of the sun, Radar.
Your brain is getting a tan.
I'm not kidding.
I looked it up.
It so happens Korea is the fifth-largest gold producer in the world.
And the first-largest producer of Koreans.
Take a look at these.
I found 'em down by the creek.
[ Mclntyre .]
It's not real gold, Radar.
What you got there is pyrite.
And if you're smart, you'll see your dentist right away.
I'm telling you, that's gold.
Frank! Flowers? I asked for light chocolates.
I'm allergic to flowers.
They're not for you.
- Hot Lips? - I'm allergic to her too.
What a relief it is to know that after tomorrow I'll never have to listen to you two again.
Having your ears removed, Frank? Col.
Blake has okayed my transfer.
You're serious, Frank.
You're leaving.
" Gee, Frank, this place won't seem the same without you.
It'll be terrifiic.
Ha, ha.
Now this has to be the farewell scene of all time.
- Margaret? - Frank! Did you cut your head again? [ Chuckles .]
Yes, I cut my head again.
- For you.
- Oh, how sweet.
Long-stemmed- Stems? They were chrysanthemums, before Pierce and Mclntyre got at 'em.
Why would they destroy your flowers? Why would they put cream cheese in my house slippers? Do I know? They're crazy! It takes a certain kind of man not to crack under combat.
And we all know what kind of a man that is, don't we? I talked to the cook.
He's bringing some pork chops here tonight.
The kind you like with extra fat.
Margaret, I have something very painful to tell you.
You can't come to dinner tonight? - I've put in for a transfer.
- A transfer? But we can still make dinner.
It's not till tomorrow.
But, Frank, why? Have I done something to displease you? - Oh, no, Margaret, no, no.
- Is it something I haven't done? Tell me and I'll do it.
Or if it's something I've done, I'll undo it.
Darling, it's nothing you've done, or did.
It's just that every man has a breaking point, and Pierce and Mclntyre have broken mine.
[ Margaret .]
But last night you said you loved me.
Oh, I do, Margaret! Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
[ Frank .]
I don't mean to hurt you.
It's the last thing I'd want to do.
[ Margaret .]
And yet you're leaving me.
It's not forever, Margaret.
There'll be other wars.
I'll be devastated without you.
You know that.
-I'll write you every day faithfully.
-You promise? Just like I do my wife.
Margaret, we're both mature, grown-up adults.
We- Margaret, what are you doing? Put that down.
It's government property.
[ Crash .]
It's chilly out there.
How 'bout a drink? If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.
Double or a triple? How about the first quintuple martini in medical history? How about you, Frank? One for the road? I make it a point never to drink with strangers.
And as of right now, I don't know either one of you.
- It's chilly in here too.
- Mmm.
Make Frank a Shirley Temple and put it on my tab.
You're nothing but common drunks.
That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
Laugh now, but when this war is over, I'll go back to my country club and my 30-foot yacht and you two will be ship's doctors on a garbage scow somewhere.
The typical love/hate complex.
Freud said it best when he said, "Never ask for light chocolates.
" You're both a disgrace to the medical profession, let alone the United States Army.
He's beginning to soften.
I almost forgot.
It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, Just Plain MacArthur.
Soap operas now.
You're deteriorating by the minute.
[ Margaret .]
I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
[ Frank .]
I'll write you every day faithfully.
"I'll write every day faithfully.
" Listen to that dribble, that manure.
You know, anyone who could listen to that- Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
Was that- That's- That's- That's right.
Nurse Dribble and Dr.
- You dirty rat, you! -James Cagney.
You! Pierce! Frank, please.
Frank! We all bunk together, Frank.
-You'll regret this as long as you live! -I already do.
[ Margaret .]
Maybe we could arrange to get leaves at the same time.
[ Frank .]
We could meet in Tokyo.
Oh, Margaret, there's so much to do and so little time.
To think that the army, of all things, brought us together.
[ Margaret .]
Some beautiful things can happen even in the army.
[ Frank Continues On Tape Indistinctly .]
[ Lisping .]
It's absolutely inexcusable! You two guys should be sentenced to life in front of a firing squad.
Really? We got over 50 orders if we can turn it into an album.
- Something the matter with your mouth? - Yeah.
I got a temporary filling and a tooth that's killing me.
Why don't we go to my dentist in Detroit? Boy, you guys just don't get it, do you? The party is over! I'm holding you both directly responsible for this unit losing a fair, competent general surgeon, and now its head nurse.
- Hot Lips is leaving? - She says she was publicly humiliated.
She has.
And to think of all the times I offered to humiliate her privately.
Boy, you guys are impossible.
Well, fire us, Henry.
Fire us! Listen, big shot, I'm gonna do more than that.
I'm gonna do more than that.
What am I doing? This is my office.
You guys, get out! Hawkeye? Hey, Hawk.
If I open my eyes and you're not a blond pushover, you're in trouble.
It's me, Radar.
You gotta get up right away.
One more word and I'll nail your tongue to your nose! I'm sorry.
It's the colonel's orders.
Trapper too.
You both have post-op duty this morning.
Trapper? What are you talking about? We just came off post-op duty.
Get your hands off me.
I'll clean your glasses and you'll find out where you are.
Blake says both you guys from now on are pullin' double duty till he replaces Maj.
Burns and Maj.
Houlihan, which the way things go in the army, could be about 10:00 next summer.
[ Mock Chuckle .]
He can't do that to us.
He'll wear us to a frazzle.
I think maybe we finally went too far.
You should have thought of that before we started.
I was too busy going too far.
I still don't know what we're going to do about Frank Burns.
Give me a minute.
- Want a martini? - No, thanks.
I just put one away.
What are you laughin'at? I think I have what just might be an idea.
Yeah? Three of the basic human emotions are greed, fear and greed.
- So? - Frank Burns is crazy about money.
He married for money.
He became a doctor for money.
If there was money in dying, he'd throw himself under a truck in a minute.
All of which means what? Remember that story Radar told us about there being gold in Korea? Oh, Radar.
He's got the I.
of a house plant.
Frank isn't much smarter.
If he thought he could get rich staying here, he'd never leave.
Now how 'bout a martini? I don't care how drunk you make me, I'm not going home with you.
He must have some around here someplace.
Every dentist does.
I don't know how anyone can be a dentist.
Imagine keeping your hand in a bunch of wet mouths all day.
- Gives you wrinkled fingers.
- Yuck! - Hey! - What? - That looks like a gold filling.
- Perfect.
Must be Henry's.
If it is, it's the only good thing that ever came out of his mouth.
You'll wake him.
-How much gold you think we got tonight? Forget it.
He's still asleep.
- How much gold do you think we got? - I don't know.
Enough to buy Frank's country club and have him thrown out of it.
In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd be this rich.
I'll buy you a drink.
[ Glasses Clattering .]
Let's finish these and go back to the creek and get some more.
Don't be greedy.
I'm putting mine under my bed.
- Why not under my bunk? - Stop pulling it! - You spilled some.
- Shh, shh, shh.
You'll wake him up.
Where are you going with that? - The First National Latrine.
- Aren't you afraid of being robbed? Have you ever heard of a latrine being robbed? I'm going with you.
What'd I say? - Were you talking? - Oh, really, Frank.
These rocks! Why'd you pick such an awful, rocky place for a walk? I just wanted a last look around, you know, sort of a sentimental journey.
It's so unlike you.
You never liked the outdoors.
Well, that's ridiculous.
I love the outdoors.
Any time I'm not indoors, that's where you'll find me.
Okay, Mom.
-[ Object Banging .]
- Say what? Shh.
It's all right, Radar.
I-I-I just wanted to borrow something.
Yes, sir.
Do you, uh, always sleep with a teddy bear? Well, not when I'm on duty, sir.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Bad man go away.
If I dig one foot deeper, I'll be A.
[ Panting .]
Gold! Gold! Gold, gold, gold! -[ Knocking .]
- Col.
Blake, I've- Oh, Frank, do you know what- What happened to you? I, uh, fell down.
Really? How many times? - I've got to talk to you, sir.
- Not now, Frank.
I just lost a temporary filling, and every time I suck air it's a new adventure in pain.
I've decided not to go, sir.
Frank, if you think you're gonna sleep here tonight, you're crazy.
I mean my transfer.
I want to stay! For cryin' out loud, Frank! I went to a lot of trouble to accommodate you.
Well, tear them up! Tear up my orders! I don't want to go! - What about Pierce and Mclntyre? - Great guys.
- A little high-spir- What? - Frank.
You've been pushing your stethoscope too far into your ears.
I think it scratched your brain.
Well, think whatever you like, but I don't want to leave here.
- There it is! - Where? It's right under your foot.
Is this your final decision, Frank? Absolutely and irrevocably, yes.
I never want to leave here.
I'm yours forever.
I've got to tell you somethin', Frank.
I've gone to sleep with happier thoughts.
But, Frank, I'm all packed.
What do you mean we're not leaving? The colonel has rescinded my orders.
You'll just have to unpack.
I've said good-bye to all the nurses.
They even gave me a farewell present.
They must have spent at least two dollars.
Well, Margaret, I can't leave now.
Something's come up.
Who is she, Frank? Who is who? You're seeing another woman.
Are you crazy? I'm a happily married man.
Frank, I don't understand any of this.
- Oh, don't cry, Margaret.
- Ow! Or go ahead, and I'll dry your tears with a gold handkerchief.
- What? - Gold, Margaret.
There's a fortune in gold out there.
I've seen it! Mclntyre and Pierce have a whole bag of it! Wait a minute.
I smell a rat.
No, two rats.
Two 14-karat rats.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Let me prove it to you.
Come on.
Morning, Maj.
Burns, Maj.
The secret's out.
Come on! This way.
You see? [ Giggling .]
You see? [ Man Over P.
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's double feature is Greed, and The Major Was a Miner, starring Maj.
Frank "There Goes My Transfer" Burns.
-You did some good work in there, Frank.
-You really did.
Hmph! - We're sorry, Frank.
- We really are.
Well, sometimes a joke can get way beyond an apology.
- Frank, they're trying to make amends.
- [ Groans .]
We'll never try to make you look foolish again, Frank.
Scout's honor.
Well, okay.
I told you he was a sweetheart.
Oh! What are you doing? Stop that! - Pierce, let him go! - Major, don't.
You let him go! You mean this isn't a nurse? How dare you!
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