M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e23 Episode Script

J323 - Cease-Fire

[ Hawkeye .]
Uh, forget this stuff.
Get me some- - [ Hot Lips .]
Fifty-fifty? - Yeah.
- Anybody know what day this is? - Thursday.
We been here since Tuesday.
Three hours' sleep in three days.
What's the difference? It keeps us off the streets.
Gimme a clamp.
Quit beefing! We've still got a line of casualties.
Gimme a sponge.
Maybe we should get an unlisted number, huh? All right, okay.
Unhook him, and get him outta here.
Yes, Doctor.
One more survivor.
Have to get him next time.
What are these forms for? Forms to get the forms that enable us to order more forms, sir.
Here you go, Henry.
Wait a minute.
You don't have to sign that.
That's the phone number of the Dai Ichi Hotel in Tokyo.
- Which is where we're off to.
- Till you need us.
- Room 309.
- Real beds.
- Room service! - Hot and cold running maids.
Who said you could go? The war's been sending us casualties on a conveyor belt.
If we don't get some rest, we're going to start screwing up surgically.
Well, have a good time.
- Call us if you need us.
- Yeah, but don't need us.
Radar, two of your best passes.
Colonel Blake's office.
- Did you hear a bell? - His head's in another time zone.
Just be sure your post-op patients are all okay before you take off.
- Henry, everything is okay.
- Yes, sir,just a minute.
Sir? Radar, I don't wanna talk to anybody.
Just tell 'em I'm beat right down to my socks.
General Clayton, Colonel Blake says he's really beat right down- Morning, General! Henry Blake here.
Henry, are you sitting down? - No, sir! - Maybe you'd better.
- Yes, sir.
- He giving you calisthenics over the phone? Quiet, Pierce.
Henry, it won't be official for a couple of hours yet, but a cease-fire has been arranged.
I say again, a cease-fire! - A cease-fire? - What? Cease-fire? Does that mean we can go home? A cease-fire? General, are you sure? I've just been on the phone with CI NCOMPAC.
Is that good enough for you? He got it from CI NCOMPAC.
I don't care if he got it from NI NCOMPOOP! The shooting's over! General Clayton? This is Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain, but I wanna have your baby.
I mean it! I want your baby! I'll kiss all your stars! Look, uh- Listen, listen.
I'll be up there tonight for a final drink with my favorite MASH outfit.
That's terrific, General.
Just terrific.
What's that? Yes, sir, I'll tell Major Houlihan that you look forward to seeing her.
If she doesn't want you, there's always me! No,just, uh- Nothing, General, nothing.
Okay, yes, sir.
We'll see you tonight.
And thanks for the great news.
- Well, how about that? - I don't know.
I'm gonna get drunk for a week.
Sober up, get back in shape.
- And get drunk for a month again.
- Listen, hold it, Pierce.
Look, the general was just giving me advance notice.
I don't want this to get out until it's official.
Not one word to anybody.
Understood? - Understood.
- We will keep it very quiet, if that's what you want.
Hey, Colonel, did you hear? There's a cease-fire, effective immediately! We won't say a word, Henry.
You can depend on us.
[ Siren Wailing, Party Horns Blowing .]
[ Man On P.
System .]
Attention! Attention, all personnel.
Any rumors regarding a cease-fire are not official.
All personnel are ordered to continue regular duties until further notice.
[ Laughs .]
Honey, mine was the Scotch and water.
Ah, Corporal Klinger.
Ready for duty, I see.
- What's going on? What's all the hoo-hah? - Cease-fire.
The war is over.
- You're kidding! - Have I ever lied to you, Miss? If it's true, you won't have to buck for a psycho discharge anymore.
Terrific! But I'm stuck with a dozen dresses! Gentlemen, I give you peace.
Sweet, quiet, monotonous, lovely, life-restoring, harmonious, tranquil, glad-about-it, mad-about-it peace.
I'll drink to it.
But I don't believe it.
- Come again? - It's the same story in every war.
The big guys, they yell "cease-fire," there's dancing in the streets, then they pull the switch and it starts all over again.
Trapper, it's over! No more meatball surgery! No more putting guys together again so they can be killed at a more convenient time.
No more living in Shangri-la, buttering our bread every morning with D.
It's finished! This whole damn, cursed war is over! I'll believe that when I'm back home refusing my first house call.
- You really don't believe it's real? - With all my cynical heart.
I bet you it is.
I bet you anything you want.
I'll bet you 50 bucks they're not playing around.
You got a bet! - I hate to take your money.
- I only hope you will.
They're passing out champagne.
I thought you guys might like some.
Nah, I'll stick with gin.
Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
Hey, one more drink and that's it.
After that, we operate and sink your floating kidney.
You know, life won't be the same without you both and "The Swamp.
" You'll miss this? He's queer for garbage dumps.
I don't like to ask, but if there's some little souvenir I could have- Take it all! Help yourself.
-Tell your family.
The whole camp is up for grabs.
-Wait a minute.
Steady, Hawk.
The U.
Army always leaves stuff behind after war.
There's a tribe on Guadalcanal made a god out of a '39 Chevy.
Frank, you're not to worry about me.
You go back to your practice and your work and your house and your two cars and your country club and your friends and your way of life and your wife.
I'm not going to make any trouble.
Gosh, Margaret, it's swell of you to be so brave.
Brave of you to be so swell.
I just want you to be happy.
[ Siren Wailing, Party Horns Blowing .]
I wish you could meet my wife.
You'd like her.
Don't press your luck, Frank.
- Major Houlihan? It's me, Radar.
- What do you want? I'm asking everyone to write something in my scrapbook.
- Oh, I'm busy right now.
- I just thought you and Major Burns- - Major Burns is not here.
- Then how can you be busy? - Get lost! - Yes, ma'am.
"Dear Radar, this is the best restaurant I ever ate in.
Good luck.
" - That's what you want to say? - Right.
Simple, but with feeling.
And loaded with emotion.
Trapper, sign my book? I'll sign it when the real cease-fire comes.
How can you turn him down? His liver's where his heart oughta be.
- What's where his liver oughta be? - Onions.
"Compliments of a friend"? Boy, you guys sure know how to reach somebody.
[ Siren Wailing, Party Horns Blowing .]
[ Party Horn Blows .]
Friends, friends- Civilians of all ranks.
This is the happiest- in fact, this is the only happy day of the war.
And it is fitting that we pause to offer a prayer of thanksgiving to the merciful God who has delivered us from this terrible conflict.
Let us pray in silence, and remember those of our comrades who have fallen.
- Amen.
- [ Together.]
And now, on with the secular festivities! [ Siren Wailing, Party Horns Blowing .]
[ Man On P.
System .]
Attention, all personnel.
A reminder that the cease-fire is not officially in effect.
All materiel and equipment remain the property of the United States Army.
Anyone found in possession of said property will be prosecuted to the full extent of military law.
- Hold it, hold it, Hawkeye.
- I'm trying! Somebody might walk in.
They're all doctors and nurses.
What could we possibly do that would surprise them? - I don't know.
- Let's see what we can come up with.
I'm gonna need that ear after the war.
It's my duty to give you a thorough physical before you go.
Speaking of which- Hawkeye? It's very difficult to talk with your teeth in my neck.
It's even harder for me.
Please, can we be serious for a minute? Thirty seconds is my record.
What happens, now that the war is over? Well, both sides will say they won, Detroit will go back to making cars again, and I can treat kids for mumps instead of shrapnel.
What happens to "us" is what I had in mind.
- Us? - Mm-hmm.
As in, you and me.
Oh, that us! Right.
We've been very close.
Cast a single shadow, as it were.
- You never exactly promised marriage.
- Bless your memory.
But you did use all the right words: love, togetherness, future.
Lieutenant, I have a confession to make.
[ Sighs .]
You might've worn your ring.
And get thrown out of the Cad Society? - Kids too? - Five.
It gets very cold up there in Vermont.
I'm sure gonna miss you when I get back.
Oh, well, you don't have to wait till then.
- Sir? - [ Knocking .]
Howdy, Radar.
How's it goin', old kid, old sock? - Happy, huh, sir? - Happy? Oh, boy.
In a few days, I'm gonna be back home tripping over kids' roller skates again, cursing out the crabgrass, fuming about my income taxes, and being impossible with my receptionist and turning gray over my wife's checking account and loving every minute of it.
- Ow! [ Whistles .]
- Did you cut yourself, sir? Yeah, no problem.
Good old civilian blood again.
Nice and red.
Cut myself last week and it came out khaki.
[ Laughing .]
That's a good one.
Thank you.
Did you get a chance to sign it, sir? Whatever it is, you sign it.
The only business I want to do with the army is have 'em validate my parking ticket so I can go home.
No, sir, I mean my scrapbook.
Did you get a chance to sign my scrapbook? Oh, I'm sorry, Radar.
Of course.
It's right there.
Oh! "For Radar O'Reilly, my comrade-in-arms, "a swell egg who made Korea something special.
"Thanks for everything.
Good luck.
Affectionately, your friend, Henry Blake.
" Okay? Oh, yes, sir.
Do you mean this? Every word of it.
- You felt like a son to me.
- Sometimes I felt like you were my father.
[ Laughing .]
Maybe we should get together when we get back to the States.
Hey, now that's a great idea! Why don't you call me and we'll have lunch.
You live in Bloomington, Illinois and I live in Iowa.
- That's true.
- But you know, it would only take a day or so on the bus.
And then we could have a whole long lunch together.
Just gimme a buzz.
Oh, yes, sir.
Well, you- But I mean not right away.
You see, I'm gonna be busy kinda settling in and all.
Oh, I understand that, sir.
Okay, you got it.
Then how about two months from when we get home- on a Saturday? Yeah, I'll, I'll tell you what.
Let's just kinda leave it loose for now, huh? But we'll do it.
Okay, but we'll, uh, leave it loose for now.
- I'm not gonna make any trouble, Frank.
- I know, darling.
No phone calls, no letters.
I won't even write you at your office.
Margaret, you're a real prince.
I mean, "cess.
" Cessprince.
Frank, you're such a ninny.
Margaret, please! I'm supposed to keep my middle ear dry.
It's Private Gilbert.
You operated on him for shrapnel wounds.
- What's wrong? - Well, he's awake, but restless.
There's no improvement.
You trying to louse up the cease-fire, Gilbert? To tell you the truth, it, it, it would've been nice if they could've stopped the fighting before somebody aimed at me, sir.
Next time, hide behind a tree with an officer.
Now, I'm giving you a direct order.
You start getting better immediately, or I'll operate again.
This time, blindfolded and sober.
I think I'm starting to feel better already, sir.
- Keep trying.
- Yes, sir.
Give him a unit of blood.
And threaten patient every two hours.
Captain, could I speak to you a minute please? Certainly, Nurse Cutler.
That's just for the cease-fire.
I can hardly wait for the peace treaty.
Hawkeye, we have to make plans.
How's this? I'll get a bottle of wine, you get the keys to the laundry room, we'll both get in the dryer and take a trip to the moon.
I'm talking about our going-home plans.
- "Our"? - Yours and mine.
As in you and me, as in "us"? Never mind.
The way we've been, I certainly got the impression that we were- Lieutenant, darling, I have an affliction that will make any long-term relationship between us impossible.
Hawkeye, what is it? As we're both medical people I'll speak professionally.
I'm suffering from terminal marriage.
Hey, take it easy.
That's stunning, absolutely stunning.
Girls, you'll find what you want, everything half-price.
- Wait a minute.
Kling- - All sales final.
Klinger, wait a minute.
What's going on here? This is my cease-fire sale.
I don't need this stuff anymore.
- I'll take this one.
- Yes, that's $5.
- That was always my favorite.
- I'll wear it out.
These look great with that.
- Uh- - No charge.
Thanks! These low heels are killing me.
Klinger, you gonna buy all this stuff back when the cease-fire turns out to be a phony? A phony? Sure.
Big boys change their minds and the shooting starts all over again.
- You really believe that? - Believe it? I bet 50 bucks on it.
You have this in a size 12? It's for my mother! - I won't make any trouble, Frank.
- I know, darling.
- Not one bit.
- You're a peach, Margaret.
Dead women can't make any trouble, right? Right! Dead who? I was just gonna stick my head in an oven and it'll be over in seconds.
And I won't even mention your name in my note.
Margaret, what are you saying? I can't live without you, Frank! You're all I have.
I love your thin little lips, and the bristles where you shave your earlobes.
- Margaret! - Take me home with you, Frank.
Margaret, my wife! I'll learn to love her.
We'll get along, you'll see.
- I'll be your nurse.
- She's my nurse.
Then I'll be your patient.
I'll catch something terrible and you'll have to see me every day.
I'll pay, Frank.
You can even bill me.
Darling, take me home with you.
I won't make any problems.
Is now a good time? - See you after supper? - Uh-huh.
- Same place? - Mm-hmm.
I've never seen you quite like this before.
- I just found out you're married! - You don't mind? Just check your sleeping bag for a land mine, lover! [ Tapping Glass With Spoon .]
- Uh, can we settle down, people? - Quiet! Uh, General Clayton, fellow officers, nurses, N.
s, and our guest wounded.
Welcome to the 4077 th Cease-Fire Party.
This being a very special occasion, I'm not going to take up time by making a speech.
[ Cheering .]
Instead, I'd like to introduce a fine surgeon, a real cutup- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
First of all, in gratitude to the United Nations for setting us all free, I am hereby forgetting these poker I.
s to the sum of some $1,500.
[ Cheering .]
You realize, I can make all that back with just one rich kid with bad tonsils.
And secondly, I would like to present a pictorial tribute to the man who brought us this great cease-fire news, Brigadier General Clayton.
You've paid us many kind and thoughtful visits, General.
And I've always tried to mark every memorable occasion with a photograph or two.
If you'd all turn around.
Lights, please.
How many of us will forget this always stirring sight? Or this one? Of course, like every great warrior, you had your warm and human side.
Ah, Pierce, I think that- But your warm side had an even warmer side.
Margaret! Uh, he's just a fr-friend of the family.
Uh, can we have the lights please? [ Cheering, Applause .]
If there wasn't a cease-fire, Pierce- Ah, why don't we have a song? - "The Star-Spangled Banner.
" - How does it go? Play it, will you, Father? auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind Should auld acquaintance be forgot And days of auld lang syne Hold it.
Hold it! May I have your attention, please? I just received a communique from CI NCOMPAC.
There is no cease-fire.
Well, we're back in business again.
[ Man On P.
System .]
Attention, all personnel.
All personnel report to surgery.
Incoming wounded.
Incoming wounded.
All personnel, report to surgery immediately! Here you are, Scrooge.
You should've listened to me, pal.
If the same thing happened, I'd still make the same bet.
On the level? It was a glimpse of daylight at the end of the damned tunnel.
It was worth it.
- You paid a pretty heavy price.
- So I blew $1,500 in I.
Gave up three nurses for an imaginary wife and family.
And Clayton's got my butt in his gun sight.
My hopefulness remains intact.
Good for you.
Would you mind turning the other way? I'd hate for you to see a grown man cry.

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