M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e17 Episode Script

B318 - The Consultant

[Horn Honking.]
- Morning, sir.
- Drive over to the Swamp.
Yes, sir.
- Radar! - Gee, sir, why'd you run? I could've driven you.
- Yeah, right.
- [Honking.]
Pierce! Mclntyre! Oh, hello, Henry.
Sorry Trapper can't come out and play today but he's being a bad boy and he won't stop sucking his socks.
Can it, will ya? You jokers were supposed to be packed and ready at 0800.
I know, but Trapper refuses to get in the suitcase.
- Come on, shake your tail! - Not in front of Radar.
Here you go, caddy, put these in my car.
Hey, what're you taking these clubs for? I tried to get a couple of nurses in, but they wouldn't fit.
Look, you're supposed to be going toJapan to attend a surgical clinic.
They're expecting you to show up at Tokyo General Hospital.
Henry, I promise you we'll drive by the building.
On our way to the golf course.
Be a sport, Henry, help us out.
We don't wanna wear ourselves out and disappoint the geishas.
How much do you think we should tip him? Book says a quarter a bag.
- All right, Radar, take us to the airport.
- Yes, sir.
[Horn Honking.]
Where'd you learn to drive? - The bumper cars.
- Figures.
My kidneys' lawyer will call you in the morning.
Now, listen, you guys, you better check out that clinic or somebody'll put my butt in a sling.
- It'll improve your posture.
- I'm gonna miss you guys.
- Don't blubber in front of the troops.
- Bring me back something.
No chance.
We're gonna be careful.
- Bye-bye, Radar.
- See ya, sirs.
Do your homework.
[Helicopter Whirring.]
- Okay, Radar, back to the compound.
- Yes, sir! ##[Japanese.]
- Should we try the bar? - All right, but I can only stay three days.
Excuse us.
[Clears Throat.]
This place serve servicemen? Bartender.
What are you drinking? - I'd love a zombie.
- Necrophiliac.
- A zombie, please.
- Yes, sir.
- Keep making 'em until I turn into one.
- I'll have a scotch and water.
- Yes, sir.
- I'll drink the scotch now and come by tomorrow for the water.
- You look like you could use another drink.
- You must be psychic.
No, actually I'm a physic.
I can predict all your future movements.
- The same, please.
- Yes, sir.
Vodka Gibson.
- Me too.
- You're having scotch.
You can't mix drinks.
Put 'em in separate glasses.
Major, I'm John Mclntyre.
This is Hawkeye Pierce.
Is it all right for you two to be in an officers' club? We're captains.
We tore our bars off when we went over the wall.
Anthony Borelli.
The rank is honorary.
I'm here as a civilian medical consultant.
- Yeah? Where's home? - San Francisco.
I loved a girl in San Francisco once.
No, twice.
- Gentlemen.
- Ah, here we are.
- Happy days.
- In the army? Don't you like soldier suits? - Whooh! Our invitations to the clinic read "informal.
" - You're doctors.
- Surgeons.
- I'm a gynecologist for the F.
You over here to tell us everything you know? Should take about ten minutes.
I'm looking forward to meeting you at the lectures.
- You'll look backward to seeing us.
- We're not coming.
We're over here for the girls.
We're gonna take a refresher course in getting our faces slapped.
There are some very fine doctors who've come a long way to discuss some new surgical techniques.
We're from a MASH unit.
We work three, four miles from the front.
- Meatball surgery.
- Seven tables, no waiting.
Kids come in fresh from the field.
We get a lot of belly wounds, a lot of dangling limbs.
We get 'em ready for Tokyo fast.
Not much time for technique.
We're closing 'em up even before we can get our hands out.
Sounds challenging.
We're not there by choice.
We were snatched from our cradles by gypsies and sold to the army.
- Ready for another? - Oh, no, thanks, I'm fine.
Bartender, two more.
If you're trying to get me drunk, it'll probably work.
- Ever been to Korea, Doctor? - No.
Oh, you'd love it.
In addition to trauma surgery and wholesale amputation we've got typhus, filariasis encephalitis, typhoid, paratyphoid and cholera.
Korea's the Detroit of bacteria.
We operate in the filth.
- In the mud.
- In the muck.
- Muck and mud.
- Who'll ever forget them? - Gentlemen.
- Arigato.
I'll tell you what, Doc.
You wanna really be useful over here? Stop hanging out in the cozy locker room in Tokyo.
If you and your pals wanna really get in the game come out to a MASH unit or an aid station.
- Come back to the front with us.
- Or front to the back with us.
No, thanks.
I saw my share of the front lines in World War I and II.
Fair enough.
To World War None.
Have a good stay, Doctor.
Get your net.
We're starting a Madame Butterfly collection.
- Radar, this is heaven.
- Yes, sir.
- You're a genius.
- Ah, yes, sir.
Colonel Blake, you are not listening to me! Uh, you'll have to speak up, Frank.
I'm not listening to you.
- The water could be just a titch warmer.
- Oh, yes, sir.
Colonel, I have incontrovertible proof that Pierce and Mclntyre did not attend one single lecture the whole time they were in Tokyo.
They spent the entire three days in the company of geisha girls bargirls and female golf caddies.
I ought to have them whipped, although they probably are.
- Is that all you can say? - Look, Frank, they didn't get arrested and I count that for something.
Now just let me soak in this pool until I get nice and wrinkled, okay? Colonel, do you not understand [Blows Raspberry.]
- Oh, pooh, I forgot my sunglasses.
- Take mine.
Degenerates! You peeked.
I believe that's the pool just ahead.
Right next to the outhouse.
All right, Henry, out of the pool.
I'm gonna do 35 laps.
We have to stay in shape in case we're drafted.
Look out! Frank tells me you guys didn't attend one lecture.
- Couldn't, Henry.
- We got sick and had to have round the clock nurses.
- You characters.
- Chopper.
- Wounded? - No announcement.
I'll be damned.
Who is that man? Don't you know? That's the Lone Ranger.
Why don't you let me put you up in the V.
Tent, Doctor? You'd be a whole lot more comfortable.
I've had enough of the locker room, Colonel.
I came to get into the game.
You couldn't have picked any place gamier.
You must be hungry after your trip.
We've got a very fine mess tent.
The tent is terrific.
The food puts you away.
- Excuse me, sir.
I've laid out your things.
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
- Radar, why don't you Yes, sir, I'll arrange a tour for Dr.
Borelli right away.
- I'd have bet anything that you wouldn't have come.
- Won't they miss you in Tokyo? I'm a civilian.
They going to bust me from a Mister down to a Miss? So, this is Korea? - You'll find it everything we said it wasn't.
- It's cold, smelly and poor.
- But it is unpleasant.
- [Explosion.]
- Artillery.
- Ours? - And theirs.
- It's a set.
Great place for the doctor business.
Beginning of the year, over a two-month period this unit treated almost 5,000 casualties.
- That's incredible.
- Well, I had help, of course.
Colonel, we heard Dr.
Borelli was with us.
Oh, Dr.
Borelli, this is our chief nurse, Major Margaret Houlihan.
- Major.
- Sir.
- [Clears Throat.]
- Oh, and that's Major Burns.
- Major.
- Honorary.
I'm a doctor, not really a major.
Frank's a major who's not really a doctor.
- Pierce.
- Just a little white truth.
What brings you to the 4077, Doctor? I couldn't get these two to listen to me lecture in Tokyo so I came over here to bore them.
- Oh, I'm sure you'll be anything but boring.
- Anything but.
Well, there's two "buts" who say you're wrong.
Feels like it's going to martini.
- Great idea.
- [Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Both shifts report to the O.
On the double.
Let's go.
- Well, you got here just in time, Doctor.
- Pretty exciting.
Let's hope you feel that way about nausea.
[Helicopter Whirring.]
- Let me have some suction there, will ya, Gwen? - Yes, sir.
Look at that.
Those are my sutures.
There and there.
This is the third time through here for this kid.
Must like your work.
Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya? I'm sweating like a pig.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- You're welcome, darling.
- Artillery.
- You've got noisy neighbors, Father.
Dress this for me.
This leg's badly crushed, and there's no way of saving it.
- Give me a knife and have a saw ready.
- Wait.
You don't have to amputate.
- But the artery is crushed.
- You can do an arterial transplant.
A new segment of artery can be grafted in place of the damaged portion.
Borelli, what you're saying is new to us.
But then, uh, clean sheets would be new to us.
Well, the operation is similar to coarctation of the aorta where the narrowed area was removed and the two ends sewn together.
Have you ever done this operation before, Doctor? Yes, and it works.
All you need is a section of new artery.
If we haven't got one, we can call around to other outfits.
I am sick to death of sending kids home in only one boot.
If you're going to do it, you better move fast.
That leg's not gonna last more than another four or five hours.
Colonel, we've never tried this before.
Someone could get into trouble.
Radar! Come on, come on.
Hello, Charlie Company? Listen, it's me again.
I'm still looking for that piece of artery.
Have you got any casualties? I am not a ghoul! I work in a hospital! I do! How'd ya like a specimen in your ear, fella? Hello, Able? Yeah, he's still holding.
Look I can't hear you.
Boy, you got the war on loud there! - I'm looking for Don't go away.
- [Ringing.]
Wait a minute.
Just hold on.
MASH 4077.
Oh, yeah, listen, I've been trying to get you.
We've got less than four hours to perform an arterial transplant, and I need - [Ringing.]
- Hold on a second.
Hold on.
MASH 407 You can? You have? You will? Forget it! Forget it! Shoot! What's the story with those two? - He's a creep.
- She's a creepette.
They met in adjoining jars in medical school.
Well, a person doesn't have to be an eye doctor to see what's going on here.
I don't know what you're talking about, Frank.
Keep drooling down your front, you'll have to change your bra.
Frank! [Sighs.]
- Great coffee.
- Drink between the grounds.
My money's on Radar.
I got it! A British outfit's had heavy casualties.
They'll let us have one.
- How far away are they? - Sixteen miles up Broadway.
- A couple, three hours there and back.
- Let's go.
- You all right? - Go ahead.
I'll stay here where it's safe.
Watch where you're going.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Hey, would I kid you? Why didn't you think of it before we left home? An artery, you say? From one of my dead lads? Yes, sir.
- For transplanting into one of your live ones? - Right.
Well, an incredible fuss for just a leg, isn't it? - Sure you wouldn't like a splash? - [Hawkeye.]
Uh, no, thank you.
You know, my father lost both legs in the Great War.
Never missed them.
Said he lived years longer not having to tie his laces.
Sir, we're fighting the clock a little bit on this one.
- If you'd just sign this release.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Let me see it.
Oh, the shelling stopped.
Well, all good things must come to an end.
Well, it all seems perfectly grisly and quite correct.
Thank you.
- A British artery in an American leg, eh? - That's right.
Probably develop an irresistible urge to drive on the left side of the road.
Yes, quite.
[Door Closes.]
- Get this to Major Houlihan.
Preparation for transplant.
- Yes, sir.
- Page Dr.
Borelli to O.
- Yes, sir.
- This stuff in supply.
Did you get it? - Sure did.
I had a date with some nurse tonight.
Find out who and tell her I can't make it.
It was me.
- Radar, go get Borelli.
- Oh, right.
- I'm excited as hell about this.
- Take it easy, will you? All we gotta do is assist.
Borelli's got the hard part.
[Man On P.
Borelli, please report to the O.
Borelli, immediately.
- He's gonna love operating in our flea circus.
- As long as he saves the leg.
He will.
It all feels right.
Then we can escort him back to Tokyo.
I met the most fantastic girl there.
You've been holdin' out on me.
When? Friday night.
I can't remember which bathtub.
Hawkeye? - Where's Borelli? - He's in the Swamp.
You'd better come.
Doctor? The dance is starting.
We need you to stand your partner up.
Didn't you hear the page? You're not fit to operate.
I know.
We'll just tell the patient that his doctor is soused.
Hope he doesn't mind walking around for the rest of his life on a tree trunk.
You can do it, Pierce.
I've watched you work.
You can do it better than I can.
I've never done it before.
I've never even seen it done.
I'll be right behind ya.
That'll be a great comfort.
- Cut it? Okay.
- Yeah, go on.
Now open the vascular clamp.
- It's leaking at the upper suture line.
- Put another stitch in.
Okay, cut it, hmm? Okay.
Give it a tie.
All right.
Try it again.
- Give it a cut.
- Wait a second.
- Okay.
- All right.
It's holding now.
Look at that bugger! - Pulse is good.
Foot's getting pink and warming up.
- [Applause.]
Stick around, folks.
As an encore, I'm gonna sew Houlihan and Trapper together.
- Good work, Doctors.
- Thank you, Doctor.
They couldn't have done it better atJohns Hopkins.
- Wanna cut that? - Mm-hmm.
How 'bout some coffee? I'd like to fill a swimmin' pool with it.
- I'll catch up with you later.
- Sure.
You did a good job, Doctor.
Somebody had to.
- I didn't drink at all in World War I.
- Was liquor invented then? In the Second War, I never drank until I was through working.
One for the road, Doc? Or two or three? Maybe you'd like to take a few home in a doggy bag.
Please don't confuse my explanation for an apology.
The place got to me.
I wanted to get into the game, but I'd forgotten how rough the game can be.
- Uh-huh.
- Didn't you ever have that problem? Not to your degree.
What's that your leaning on, a bubble gum machine? You have a great many gifts, Doctor.
It's a pity you can't number compassion among them.
I'm suffering from the three sure signs of age: Bit of a spread, gray hair feet of clay.
I wish you better luck on your third war.
- Colonel.
- Thanks for your help, Major.
- Major.
- It's a privilege, sir.
Trapper, I'll see ya in Tokyo sometime.
- I'll come to the lecture next time.
- [Laughs.]
- Maybe you'll come back someday.
- Oh, it's been a real pleasure.
Oh, it's been our pleasure.
- Thanks for everything, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
Have a good trip.

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