M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e18 Episode Script

B315 - House Arrest

[Man On P.
Attention all personnel.
Corporal Stanley Salkowitz, acting camp librarian wishes to announce the delivery of 100 copies of Rumpelstiltskin.
- Another shipment of dirty books.
- Clamp.
Come on.
Points up! Get with it, will you? This kid's spleen is full of lead from a claymore.
I'm sorry, Doctor.
What the hell's wrong with you? Three mistakes on one spleen.
- More suction.
- Right.
I'm just so nervous about Colonel Reese coming.
Oh, don't tell me.
What is he? Another root canal wizard from Passaic? It's a she.
A very important nurse.
The most decorated nurse in the army.
We can put our Christmas presents under her.
- [Object Clattering On Floor.]
- Major, go roll some bandages.
Baker, take over here.
- Wait a minute! - Come on.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
I'll see you later.
I smell nurse burning.
Give her a rabies shot before she bites somebody.
Give me a clamp.
Very good.
If you can't keep your mind on your job, Major ma'am, then stay out of the O.
Major Burns, make him stop! Pierce, as your superior officer, I order you to cease this harassing.
Watch your language, Frank.
You stay out of this, Keed.
I can't allow dirty language in front of Captain Pierce.
I promised his mother.
I know my job! - I didn't get to be major by just sitting on my duff.
- Well, somebody did.
Just what did you mean by that? I demand satisfaction.
Tired lately, Frank? Major Burns, he has insulted me time and time again.
- Aren't you going to do anything? - Well, like what? Like something official or what? Do something, Major.
My honor is in your hands.
Mclntyre, step aside.
Major Houlihan, I'm, uh, sorry you have to see this.
# Fools rush in where angels fear to tread ## - Get your dirty hands off me! - Frank, I just washed them.
Captain Pierce, I accuse you of striking a superior officer.
A court-martial offense under the articles of war, and I have two witnesses.
- I didn't see anything.
Did you? - My back was turned.
- Ba-dum-bump.
- Case dismissed.
I'm a witness! Oh, Frank.
I better see a doctor.
Is there anybody who isn't mad at me? Why don't you forget the whole thing? I mean, it was just a little squabble.
He struck a superior officer.
Look, Frank, we're all a bundle of nerves.
Heck, I yell at Radar all the time.
I know you love me, sir.
I mean, the war's makin' us all buggy, Frank.
I've had my underwear on backwards for a month.
Come on.
Pierce will apologize.
Won't you, Pierce? - I apologize.
- There you go.
That's a good Indian.
It's settled.
I'll see ya.
I gotta order glazed fruit for Christmas.
Apology refused.
I want him court-martialed! Well Now, come on.
Let's just be buddies.
I'll tell you what.
Now, you can borrow my jeep go into town and see the cockfights.
- I can't stand to see a chicken cry.
- Court-martial.
Jiminy Crickets, Frank! Do you know what has to be done to court-martial somebody? I mean, the-the paperwork? "Pending the completion of the preliminary investigation by the C.
O the accused officer is relieved of duty and placed under house arrest.
" He can't leave his tent.
You mean I just get to stay in and sleep and eat meals and read? - Yes, sir.
- Take me.
I'm yours.
I surrender.
And I'll fight to the death any chance to set me free.
You think it's funny now, but what are you gonna do during your five years in Leavenworth? I don't know.
Maybe I'll get married.
- Radar? - Yes, sir? Get out! [Groans.]
Colonel Reese, Major Houlihan.
They haven't lubed this clunker since Pershing was a pup.
Colonel Blake would have been here himself to greet you but he's involved with a court-martial and some glazed fruit.
Glazed fruit? That'll tear your partial.
- I'll have an enlisted man get your bag.
- It's light.
All I got in here is fatigues, skivvies and an extra garter belt in case you guys have a dance.
- You'll be staying in my tent.
- Oh, fair enough.
S? Is that where you keep the payroll? Mission accomplished.
Take me home.
Oh, a stranger in town.
Don't talk to me.
I'm bad.
Pick me up at 8:00.
I'll be dining at Sardi's tonight.
What'll I wear? What'll I wear? See that my bathrobe is back from the cleaners in time.
- Pretty cute.
Who is he? - Captain Pierce.
He's under house arrest awaiting court-martial.
Grabbed a nurse and jumped her bones, right? - Oh, no.
- Pity.
[Clears Throat.]
Colonel Reese, Major Burns.
Uh, welcome to the MASH 4077 th, Colonel.
A little number three pancake will take care of that.
- That would be your bed there, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you.
Uh, Major Houlihan, can I see you outside? Camp business.
Uh, for your ears only.
- [Unzipping Bag.]
- Go ahead.
I wanna massage my gums.
Why does she have to bunk with you? Because it's the only space in officers' country.
Well, how can we be alone? We can't.
Margaret, I need our togetherness.
Without it, I'm desolate.
I miss our spiritual oneness, the blessed union of our souls.
And I'll break out.
- It'll only be for a few days.
- It'll be an eternity.
Be patient.
Write me a nice poem.
It's not the same.
My gums are singing! Oh, I believe very strongly in oral hygiene.
Your gums are the best friends your teeth have.
- Now then, tell me about that doll.
- Ma'am? The sheik who was just in here.
Major What's-his-name.
Uh, Burns.
- Married? - In a way.
You and he playing doctor? No! Well, he's a very shy, serious uh, responsible person.
Listen, honey, take it from an old campaigner.
It's those dumb-lookin' quiet ones with the clenched teeth that really go.
# I'm back in the saddle again ## And then I said to everybody "Watch out for that bar of soap.
Look out for that bar of soap, everybody.
" I specifically told Major Burns that a bar of soap on the floor can be very slippery.
- Frank says Pierce hit him.
- Oh, no, no, Henry.
When Frank fell on the soap, Hawkeye tried to break his fall.
By jamming his fist in Frank's eye? - Radar, I lengthened your pants three inches.
- Not now.
- Why'd you want your pants three inches longer? - Later! - Okay, okay, but this is the last time I deliver.
- [Henry.]
It's 4:00 in the afternoon and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress.
You never know who might be coming around.
Yes, sir.
Boy, oh, boy.
You gotta stay on top of these guys every second.
All right, go ahead, Mclntyre.
Now, you said you warned Frank about the Hey, why did you have your pants lengthened three inches? They were chafing, sir.
I can let you have some baby powder.
I'd rather let my pants down, sir.
Hey, let's just wrap this up, huh? All right, now how did Frank get the black eye? - When he fell he hit the sink.
- "Whammo!" - Right! - Should I write "whammo," sir? - Uh, no, no, it doesn't sound too G.
Make it - "Socko.
" Uh, no, no.
That's too Moon Mullins.
Make it "bam.
" Okay, so Frank slipped, fell, hit the sink.
- That's my testimony.
- Okeydokey.
- "Okeydokey.
" - No, strike the "okeydokey.
" - Make it, uh, "very well.
" - "Very well.
" Frank, would you mind not combing your hair so loud? I have very quiet hair.
And don't use that tone with me.
You're a prisoner of war.
And loving every minute of it.
I appreciate your falling down on that bar of soap and making everybody believe I hit you.
You still don't realize that you're under house arrest.
That you're not a free man.
Now, watch this.
I can step out.
I can step in.
- That's a free man! - Very good.
Now let's see you go to Tahiti for the leprosy festival.
- Well, what did you have for dinner, Mclntyre? - Hash.
- With a poached egg? - That or an eye was looking out of it.
That kind of talk tightens my colon.
Ta-da! - Steak? - Mm-hmm.
Real steak? You know my views on cannibalism.
Mess Sergeant Gifford fixed it for you when he heard you belted Frank.
- Where'd he get it? - It's water buffalo.
It's probably as tough as a rubber sheet.
No, no.
A little old lady rode it to church every Sunday.
Mmm! Mmm! Now that's what I call church buffalo.
Try it.
- Mmm! Mmm! - Excuse me, Hawkeye.
- I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner.
- Sit down, Father.
- I'm here in an official capacity.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is that steak? - [Trapper.]
Mm-hmm! I brought you a prisoner of war package.
Real steak? Water buffalo.
And it's only got a hundred miles on it.
Try it.
Mmm! Mmm! Now that's delicious.
Oh, my.
This is Friday.
No, it's Saturday.
We're over the date line.
Oh, dear.
That was close.
- Father, why? - Oh.
According to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package.
You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin a wash cloth and four Oreo cookies.
Father, that's for a prisoner of war.
I'm one of ours.
In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
Well, thanks.
And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.
[Man On P.
Due to last night's groping tomorrow night's movie will be shown with the lights on.
- What movie? What's playing? - Uh, a Gene Tierney picture I believe.
Oh, I love her overbite.
An overbite really gets to me.
- Gene Tierney, Harriet Mackey.
- Harriet Mackey? Junior high.
Gene Tierney in a training bra.
I'd really like to see that movie, Father.
Let me work on it.
Father, you're the button in the cap of kindness.
The button - Can I use that? - Be my guest.
- [Sighs.]
- What's the matter? I got a stomach ache.
I think you ate my meal too fast.
Well, you used to send it out by helicopter, for heck's sake.
Oh, yeah? Well, this is Colonel Blake calling and I want that out here by 1300 hours! And that's an order, Captain! - Radar? - Sir? Since when have you been promoted to me? Uh, well, uh me saying that I'm you is just like using your rubber stamp, only you can hear it.
Well, why the chewing out? The mail's three hours late and I'm expecting something kind of special.
Radar, you still haven't finished your other glass pistol full of candy.
Now be a good little fella and relax.
You got 18 more months to wait for the mail.
- Okay? - Yes, sir.
I'll be down at the new latrine.
Mulcahy's blessing the lye.
"Be a good little fella.
" "Be a good little fella.
" I'll show 'em.
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Metz.
See that, Major? If you keep your straight scissors facing up your curved ones facing down, you'll never get them mixed up.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Little more 3O silk.
Sutures here, retractors there.
And army and navy goulet and ribbon.
And in this basin, the Richardson Balfour and diver.
You see, the idea is to develop a working rhythm with your surgeon.
Excuse me.
Here, would you put a dressing on that, Major? - Yes, Doctor.
- Bravo! [Chuckles.]
You got your own place or do you live with your folks? - [Man On Screen Speaking Indistinctly.]
- [Man Coughing.]
I have no interest in hiring [Trapper.]
You can hire me.
[All Shouting.]
- [Man.]
Sit down! - [Woman.]
You're in the picture.
- [Mulcahy.]
I'm terribly sorry.
- [Hawkeye.]
That's all right.
[Movie Dialogue Continues, Indistinct.]
I can't get the fly swatter out of the soup.
- Are they married? - Hey! Sit down.
Gwen, sit down.
Captain Pierce! - I'm clean.
- Sorry.
I was reaching for my hanky.
- Hey, more popcorn, everybody.
Who wants popcorn? - [All Shouting.]
Popcorn! Hey, is it hot? - There you go.
- Huh? Sit down, Mclntyre! I've lost the story.
Who's this guy? - [Trapper.]
Vincent Price.
- I don't understand it, Ellen.
- Boo! - [Mulcahy.]
Here, here.
Don't judge him too harshly.
After all, the other chap was coveting his neighbor's wife.
Father Hollywood.
Drink up, for tomorrow we die.
If I drink too much I'll get hot flashes.
We'll take pictures.
Will you marry me? Why, you unpredictable little [All Cheering.]
What, what, what, what? Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
- On the teeth? - Right smack on.
If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.
And I'll never let you go.
Never, never, never.
- Hey, hot dogs! Red hots! - [All Cheering.]
- Get your hot dogs right here! Hot dogs! - [Screams.]
Just reaching for my frankfurter.
This will make you feel a lot better.
What's going on here? A movie in my quarters? Yes, sir.
Captain Pierce ain't allowed out.
There must be 50 people in there.
I need my tweezers.
I have a hair in my mole.
I'm sorry, sir.
This whole post is potty.
The man's a prisoner and he's treated like the Aga Khan.
Shh, shh, shh.
The wedding scene's about to begin.
- Well, I'm going to the C.
- Yes, sir.
You've always made me.
You did tell me not to let him swim the lake unless you were with us, but - but we wanted to surprise you.
- [Sniffles.]
Danny was so happy.
He'd been doing so well.
He swam three-quarters - [Henry Sniffling.]
- He's very deep.
"Congratulations, big guy.
Now you are taller than she is.
Oh, boy, they fit! "O'Brien and Brophy's elevated shoes will bring you a new confidence "a better personality and real class.
But ha-ha, watch out for low branches.
" This is it, Klinger.
- Wow! - Hey, look at you! I'm a real person.
No, let me try it solo.
- Easy.
- It's all right.
Corporal, I wanna see Colonel Blake.
- He's at the movie right now, sir.
- Oh, "nerts.
" What have you done to yourself? Sir? Well, you look different.
You changed the part in your hair.
- Uh, no, sir.
- Hmm.
New glasses.
That's it.
Well, they give you a look of authority, Corporal.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
Did you hear that? No more "little guy.
" "Authority.
" Wait a minute.
Look out! Oh, um, I was looking for Major Houlihan.
She's in post-op.
Come on in, Major.
I don't wanna bother you.
I see you're doing your nails.
Just sharpening the old claws.
Never know when they might be useful.
Well, I'm rather upset.
Perhaps I'll take two aspirin and go lie down under a tree.
- I can see the tension.
Sit down, doll.
- Well, l Now, now, hon.
You tell the old colonel all about it.
- I'm, uh, cursed with perfection.
- Aw.
Even as a child, I always sorted my marbles according to size and degree of quality.
I had my "nibs," "aggies," "puries" and shooters.
- Sounds like a terrific kid.
- [Chuckles.]
I was a swell boy.
Pressed corduroy knickers, matching stocking and sweater set.
You're still so tidy and neat.
Oh, what is that? Oh, my aftershave.
Rough and Ready.
- So masculine.
Gets right to me.
- Mm.
I, um I hear your marriage isn't all beer and skittles.
Oh, Louise.
She has no sense of order.
She's always getting into my drawer and mixing up my marbles.
Poor baby.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Rest stop.
How's the movie? Captain Pierce.
- Radar, what's happened? - Happened? Yeah, either you've been raised or the camp's been lowered.
- Oh, Radar.
You don't need those.
- [Whispering.]
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
I'll meet you inside.
Mention my name.
Why? Listen.
You don't know what it's like being short.
I mean, always being the last one to be picked for the team.
Looking girls straight in the throat.
Never being able to see over the crowd.
Do you know that the only parade I've ever seen was one I was in? Everybody's always making fun of me.
Even you.
Well, then I was out of line.
There's height that people never see.
Some guys are ten feet tall, only their bodies don't know it.
- Honest? - [Man.]
Show time.
Show time.
[All Cheering.]
Sell those to somebody little.
We waited, sir, then we went ahead without you.
It's gonna be so lonely.
Well, I'm not usually one for the hard stuff, Colonel.
This is just fruit juice, Major honey.
Just blackberry brandy.
Upsa-daisy now.
Down the old hatch.
[Whimpers, Gasps.]
That makes my feet tingle.
That'll put lead in your Eberhardt Faber.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
I mean, I hardly know you.
Now what's to know? You're a man I'm a woman, trapped together in the ravages of war.
But we're officers! Where do you think noncoms come from? - The blood should run in over the next two hours.
- Yes, ma'am.
- I'm gonna put in some sack time.
- Okay.
Good night, ma'am.
Good night.
Oh, please.
We've just met.
You little fool.
Don't you know I can do things for you? - Things? - I hold the Pentagon in the palm of my hand.
How would you like stateside? Would you like to play the Palace Walter Reed Hospital? - Washington D.
? - Roger.
You could take care of the biggest people in the country senators, congressman.
G-men? I can putJ.
Edgar Hoover's gallstones right in your pocket.
How does that strike you, Colonel Burns? - Huh? - Come on.
Pucker up.
Come on.
Colonel? [Muffled Grunting.]
- Oh, well! - Rape! Rape! - What? - Rape! - Rape! Rape! - Colonel Blake? - [Henry.]
Yo? - Somebody's hollering "rape.
" Rape? What a night.
A movie and vaudeville.
I didn't do anything! We were drinking fruit juice talking about my marbles - J.
Edgar Hoover's gallstones.
- What happened? The man is a savage.
You mean he - Well, what do you want me to do about it, Colonel? - File charges.
I don't want him sharing my house arrest.
You're innocent, Doctor.
He slipped on a bar of soap! Margaret, l I never been to a rape before.
Maybe for your next birthday.
I'm gonna miss the movie! All right, Burns, in my office.
Colonel, I have a few questions.
- Colonel! - Put a hat on it.
Excuse me, sir.
- Much better, Radar.
- Thank you, sir.
You had steak.
Well, Frank, I was just a puncher.
You're a jumper.
This is terrible.
And what am I gonna tell my wife? The truth is always the best, Frank.
You were waiting for your mistress and got impatient and attacked another woman.
You're a creep.
Yeah, but I'm free.
You're a prisoner.
I can go out.
I can go in.

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