M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e05 Episode Script

U809 - The Nurses

[Man On Radio.]
If Brooklyn can hold on to any part of this lead they'll remain 41/2 games ahead of the onrushing Giants.
New York has won 16 of the last 18 games while the slumping Dodgers have only seven wins over the same period.
It's 7-4 here in Cincinnati in the bottom of the eighth.
Nobody on and one down and the Reds are up to bat.
- [Potter.]
The Reds are up to bat here too.
- They're hitting us pretty good.
- [Hawkeye.]
He who lives by the bat dies by the bat.
- [Mulcahy.]
Very good, Hawkeye.
You need another unit of whole blood.
Get with it, Walsh.
- [B.
Let her get her engine started, Margaret.
- I'll handle the nurses.
I'll be happy to help.
Margaret, my brains are on fire.
Towel! - [Man On Radio.]
Fastball cut on and missed.
- [Hawkeye.]
Give me some suction.
Newcombe has Bell in a hole as he looks into Campy again.
- Thank you.
- The windup, the pitch and a swing and a miss for strike three good change-up.
Gus was way out in front of it.
And down he goes.
- Well, at least he went down swinging.
- That's the way I want to go.
Colonel, permission to kill the radio.
- Granted.
- Only four more outs for his - [Woman.]
It melted.
- You and your hot little hands.
Never mind her hands.
Go change your gloves, Sweeney.
You're contaminated.
- [Hawkeye.]
I never touched her.
- [B.
Anybody got an ice cube hat? - [Hawkeye.]
Or a snowsuit? - [B.
I think I just had a hot flash.
Colonel, are you gonna let them discuss female diseases with ladies present? It's not a disease.
It's a symptom.
That's one for her, Burns.
- Preston, don't contradict the doctors.
- Or Frank.
Can it, doggie breath.
I need more three-oh silk.
- We're out, Doctor.
- I told you to check Supply.
- I did, Major.
We're out.
- You should have anticipated.
- [Woman.]
We have four-oh silk, Doctor.
Will that do? - Well, it'll have to.
Colonel, we can't go on like this.
No supplies.
No water.
- It's been a week since anybody's had a shower.
- [Potter.]
I know.
It's beginning to smell like the inside of a whale around here.
Imagine what Jonah must have gone through.
Some people have the courtesy to sponge in their helmets.
Do you go in the deep end? - Baker, get that tray organized.
It's a mess.
- Just the way I like it.
- It's the maid's day off.
- Well, it's not procedure.
And I'll thank both of you to stop interfering with my staff.
I wouldn't touch your staff with a 10-foot nurse.
Oh, not that, you ninny! The other thing! But you asked for the hemostat.
Don't give him what he asks for.
Give him what he needs.
- Give him fatter lips.
- Major, this woman is impossible! - I demand a nurse.
- Listen, mister, don't call me - [Margaret.]
Mister? - Dr.
Burns to you! - Seems like a lot of conflict in here.
- [Potter.]
Right, Padre.
Everybody, calm down! Lieutenant Preston, just for that you're in charge of cleaning up the O.
After this session.
Yes, Major.
He may be a lot of things, but he's no mister.
Thank you.
You're kidding.
It's 110 degrees outside.
- Oh, this stuff will cool by October.
- [Laughing.]
I'll wait.
- We'll add the nuts in September.
- [Laughing.]
- Whoop.
- [Laughing Stops.]
I have your assignments for tomorrow.
I hope that's not what I think it is.
- We won't know what it is till September.
- [Snickering.]
Why don't you guess, and we'll tell you if you're right.
You're drunk.
You know you're not supposed to be cooking in here.
I can't help it.
I always get cooking when I get drunk.
Be careful or you'll go on report.
Report? Heavens to Betsy.
Next thing she'll make me stay after school.
I will not tolerate drunkenness.
Major, I already did my duty with 17 hours overtime and three cardiac arrests.
You can't upset me.
I'm numb.
I don't even feel sad with burn patients that look like mummies.
That's why I'm drinking, to feel something.
Lieutenant, when you sober up, report to my tent.
Major, why don't you leave her alone? You're in enough trouble with that peroxide on your hair.
In case you have forgotten, it's against regulations to steal from Supply.
Is that one natural blonde to another? My hair has always been this color! - You mean blonde with black roots? - [Giggling.]
- I don't have black roots! - All right.
- You rotten little - Oh, come on! - [All Shouting.]
- Major, come on! Forget it, all right? All right? - [Sighs.]
- I've had it with you, Baker.
You're on report.
Your orders will be posted.
- Fudge.
- [Whispers.]
I'm fine Mom "I'm fine, Mom.
" Uh, "But, boy, is it hot here.
Somebody even broke into the little snowflake paperweight you sent me for my birthday.
" [Giggles.]
- Ooh.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.
- That's okay.
I'm just writing my mom a letter on how hot it gets here when it gets hot here.
- Okay.
- Yeah? - You know where I can find Lieutenant Baker? - She's in her tent.
But I don't think she's allowed to see people.
I'm not people.
I'm her husband.
You must be the guy that married her.
- Right.
I'm Tony Baker.
- Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.
- Well, uh, so what's the problem? - Uh, no problem.
She got into an argument with Major Houlihan, and she's confined to her tent.
Oh, perfect.
We didn't have a honeymoon.
I just got a 24-hour pass, and I figured I'd surprise her.
Oh, wow.
Hey, listen, maybe I could sneak her out for a minute.
You could wait in the Swamp.
- In the Swamp? - Yeah.
Come on.
I'll show you.
Okay, but I want this to be a surprise.
She hasn't seen me in two months.
Boy, you think the army would try to fix it so guys that are married with each other could be in the same outfit.
- Here she comes.
- Let's act crazy, so she doesn't suspect anything.
- Surprise! - Here she is! Right this way, please.
- Right down there.
- What's going on? I'm in enough trouble as it is.
Mickey Baker, this is your life! - ##[Humming Fanfare.]
- Hawkeye Out of minutes of exhaustive research, comes a remarkably dull story - starting with your birth somewhere in the U.
Of A.
- Radar Shortly thereafter, because of a keen mind and body to match you were allowed to skip infancy and go directly to the third grade - where you were heard to say - Oh.
"When I grow up, I want to be in the Korean War.
" - Are you all drunk? - And then there was high school.
- I'm getting out of here - Remember those years? - [Hawkeye.]
Sad, mad, glad, crazy, funny.
- Then a restaurant in Seoul.
You were sitting alone, when you heard a voice say - [Clanking.]
- When you heard a voice say - Hi.
Is this seat taken? - Tony.
Tony, where are you? Oh! Tony, I don't believe it! Where did you come from? [Hawkeye.]
From under the bed.
Boy, this is even better than the real program.
- What program? - You mean there's a show like this? - I hear you're in trouble.
Does that mean I can't see you? - I'm confined to quarters.
- I've got to be back tomorrow.
- I'm due in post-op in 10 minutes.
- Don't worry about tonight.
And I'll fix it.
- We will? For being on our show, this lovely young couple will be flown at great expense to a tent 30 feet from where we're standing where they will spend a glorious evening in the Olive Drab Room of the Continental Korean Plaza overlooking the fabulous latrine - compliments of the wonderful people who brought you this war.
- Yea! How can we be together? I'm restricted.
Let's not talk medicine.
Let's talk romance.
The night belongs to lovers.
Oh, boy.
He got me with that one.
Captain, I know this may sound like a frivolous question, but what the hell are you doing? - Quarantining your tent.
- Quarantining my tent? What for? There's a very sick soldier in there.
Looks like the plague.
The plague.
What plague? Looks like bubonic.
We can't be sure yet.
It's gonna take about - Corporal.
- [Muffled.]
Yes, ma'am? - Yes, ma'am? - Is there really a sick man in there? Oh, uh uh, if I were you, I wouldn't suck in any air, Major.
- [Mumbling.]
- Do you mind? I'd like to see for myself.
You want to look in there? Inside there? Of course.
It's gonna be a very rough night.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Why do you always have to inconvenience me? - Where are we gonna put him? - Why not put him in Father Mulcahy's tent? We thought about that.
But if the good father got the plague who would give him the last rites? - I need my things.
- Yeah, we thought about that.
I packed your toothbrush, your jammies, and one of your slingshots.
You jerkface! That's my garter belt.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I try not to look at your unmentionables.
I told you not to mention that.
Colonel Potter's gonna hear about this.
Pierce, I want the facts on this fella in Major Houlihan's tent.
Colonel, he had to be quarantined.
The only reason I borrowed Major Houlihan's bed is she lives alone - with good reason, may I add.
- You may not add! - Subtract that.
- What's he quarantined for? - About 24 hours.
- The disease! Oh, the disease.
I'm glad you asked that.
Because there's a very simple explanation.
My partner.
At first we thought it was, um, the plague but then we've narrowed it down to either typhoid or schistosomiasis.
Schistosomiasis? What kind of nonsense is that? - No, no.
I've heard of that.
It's very common.
- Really? Millions of people contract it by wading waist-high in the river Nile.
- Exactly.
Now if you'll excuse us, Colonel.
- [Potter.]
Not so fast.
How do you suppose a foot soldier in Korea a fair distance from Egypt, caught this disease? Um, maybe he went home to see his mummy? Doctors, cut the comedy.
What, if anything, is wrong with this boy? Colonel, he shows all the symptoms of typhoid.
Now, we-we-we can't be sure.
We just have to quarantine him for a while to find out.
Twenty-four hours ought to do it.
You're gonna let them get away with whatever it is they're trying to get away with? It's only for a day.
The boy's quarantined for 24 hours.
- Where am I supposed to sleep? - With the nurses.
- With the nurses? - Have them set up an extra cot.
- Isn't there some other way? - Why? Is that a problem? No.
Of course not, Colonel.
If it is, I can sleep with the nurses and Major Houlihan can sleep in the Swamp - if she doesn't mind snoring.
- Won't bother me if she snores.
I'll take the nurses, thank you.
- Save a couple for me.
- Dismissed! I'm getting a headache.
You know, I always dreamed I'd honeymoon in Niagara Falls.
- Oh.
Richard and I had the bridal suite there.
- Really? Yeah.
If we ever get married, I'd like to go back.
- I'm so nervous.
- Why? You sneak over to see Tony.
You get back before dawn.
Nobody's gonna be the wiser.
It's not that.
I'm worried about getting a bath.
Well, it just so happens we took up a little water collection around camp.
Oh, really? That's sweet.
- Can you fit into a coffee cup? - Oh.
I got a little honeymoon present for you.
I was saving it for an emergency, but, uh, it's just a few drops of perfume.
Thank you.
What's it called? I don't remember.
The first time I used it my boyfriend chewed off the label.
- What's the matter? - Private Parker just died.
Who's that? One of the kids in the burn section.
You remember? He was always flirting with Gaynor.
Hey, I'm sorry.
- Try not to take it so hard.
- I'm not.
That's just it.
We were friends, and I don't feel anything.
I don't feel death anymore.
It's just death.
- Oh, now.
- Well, I don't have any candy.
You never know what you might find.
[Laughing, Chattering.]
Oh, uh, you children get out of here.
I don't understand what those kids It isn't necessary to make them feel afraid of me.
I happen to love children.
We thought you might confine them to their huts.
Very funny.
All right.
I want this place to sparkle.
Everything sterile, all instrument packs complete.
Check all trays and inventory all supplies.
Also, due to a shortage of beds, I'll be forced to sleep in the Nurses' Tent tonight.
That's right.
Mine's been quarantined.
I'm sure you're no more pleased about it than I so I suggest we all try to make the best of it.
Hot Lips in our tent.
- That'll be like sneaking past a watchdog.
- We'll chloroform her kibble.
- We'll rock her to sleep.
- With a real rock.
I don't care if Margaret has to sleep with the nurses tonight.
What's that to me? She hates the idea.
She'd rather spend time with anyone else, even you.
Frank, this is your big chance.
Hawk and I will clear out of the Swamp and you can invite Margaret over for a little Apache dance.
I'm not chasing Margaret! I'm waiting for her to come to me.
- How's that? - You guys don't know a thing about women.
- Then how come he has a baby? - I'm playing hard to get.
I'm making her suffer.
- There's sweat on her upper lip.
- Frank, it's 110 degrees.
When I see her crawling across the compound on her hands and knees - you know what that'll mean? - She ate in the Mess Tent? No! It'll mean that she's almost ready.
Till then, no dice.
I think we crapped out.
- Well, how do I look? - Sensational.
Oh, gorgeous.
Is that what we're supposed to look like? - I think so.
- Mary Jo got it in Tokyo.
And I think it's a little big through here.
Look, I loaned you my nightgown.
I can't loan you everything.
You don't think it's too much? I don't want to look overanxious.
He might like that.
Here comes Houlihan.
Quick, under the covers.
- The light.
- Oh, I forgot.
- Now, are we supposed to be asleep or just dozing off? - Mary Jo, shut up.
Well, what's this? Everybody in bed on time for a change? Well, Major, early to bed, early to rise.
No bull session? No coffee tonight? [Preston.]
No, Major, we threw it out.
Good night, Major.
Good night.
- Halt! Who goes there? - Baker.
Uh I was going to the latrine.
It's the other way.
Uh, Klinger, I, uh, don't really have to go to the latrine.
- You don't? - No.
- I see.
- Um, listen.
Don't, uh, ask any questions and, um my lavender peasant blouse is yours.
- With the matching scarf? - Mm-hmm.
- [Softly.]
l - Shh.
- [Tony.]
Who is it? - Um, it's Corporal O'Reilly.
I was just wondering if I'm bothering you? Uh, come on in, Radar.
Oh, no.
Listen, I don't want to see your honeymoon.
It's all right.
Come on in.
Come on.
I was just leaving.
Tony has to get back to his outfit.
Oh, gee.
I just thought maybe you'd like some breakfast.
Um, if you scrape the black off of it, it's toast under it.
Thanks, but, uh, I have to shove off.
- Take care of yourself, sweetheart, okay? - Okay.
Write me.
- I will.
- We will.
Oh, gee.
Pardon me.
I'm sorry.
L-I guess I'd just better be going.
Would you tell Hawkeye and B.
Thanks? Oh, sure.
I will.
Gee, love is swell.
- Good morning, Major.
- Good morning, Lieutenant.
This time I'm gonna throw the book at you.
- What have we got? - Got a pregnant one here.
She's in labor, and it's a breech.
- [Speaking Korean.]
Get her prepped.
- Right.
- Chopper's on the pad.
- Looks like a sellout.
[Man On P.
Attention! Incoming casualties.
All personnel report to pre-op immediately.
- Major, can we talk to you? - About what? About what you're gonna do to Lieutenant Baker.
- What does that have to do with you? - She's our friend.
- We don't want to see her in any more trouble.
- Then you should've stopped her.
- Let's go.
- What'd she do that was so wrong? She spent the night in my tent with a quarantined soldier.
That soldier was my husband, and it's the first time we've been together since our marriage.
- It was a violation of rules.
- Oh, come on, Major.
You've ruled, regulated, and reported us to death.
You're in the army, and the army means discipline.
We know that.
But once, just once, can't you show a little compassion? And once, just once, couldn't you be honest with me? Last night was just another joke, just another lie to Major Houlihan.
How can we be honest with you? You're like a cat waiting for the mice to make a mistake - so you can pounce.
- Let's face it, Major.
You don't trust us.
And do you trust me? You act like I'm the enemy.
All right.
If I had asked your permission last night, what would you have done? - I would have said no.
- See.
Not because it's against regulations, but because of the rotten way you've treated me.
The way we've treated you? What are you talking about? Did you ever show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to [Gasps.]
To walk by this tent and hear you laughing and and know l-I'm not welcome? Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee? We didn't think you'd accept.
Well, you were wrong.
Radar, I want to see it.
I want to see that culture report.
- The-The culture report.
- On the fella who was quarantined.
- You remember him.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
That fella.
He was a real nice guy.
But, uh, I think he got better, because we released him.
- Released him? - Yeah.
I thought he had typhoid! Oh, that's right.
But it was just the 24-hour kind.
Ooh! - What? - I forgot.
Doctors, tell me about this miracle cure you've discovered for typhoid.
- Oh, it wasn't, uh, typhoid.
- Our diagnosis was all wrong.
It was just a cold trying to fool us.
- You wanna stick with that story? - I'm working on a better one.
Keep working and follow me.
Major Houlihan, we've been had.
You and me.
Your tent was used last night for some devious shenanigans.
If you'd like to level charges, I'll understand.
I know all about last night, Colonel.
It's a private matter between me and my nurses.
- [Potter.]
That's the end of it? - Yes, sir.
Whatever you say, Major.
Let's get ready.
Look at that.
Anybody got a cigar? - I didn't even know we were pregnant.
- You delivered it? Not it.
It's Miss Su Ling Sun.
- She was a breech.
- [Crying.]
She may have come into the world backward, but she landed on her feet.
[Baby Crying.]
- Oh, isn't she beautiful? - Just like her doctor.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm crying.
It's just life.
- You're getting the baby all wet.
- Yeah.
- Not to mention wasting water.
- [Laughs.]
Why are we making fudge again in this heat? The last time we made it, Baker threw it all over the front of the tent.
Now I'm gonna throw it against the back, so it'll match.
Try some.
It's good.
What we don't eat, we could always use to waterproof our boots.
- Evening, nurses.
- [All.]
Good evening, Major.
I have your assignments for tomorrow.
I hope that's not what I think it is.
No, Major.
It's fudge.
- Cooking in the tents is against regulations.
- [Preston.]
Yes, Major.
Have some? Oh, that's really bad.
How about a lousy cup of coffee? I'd love it.

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