M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e06 Episode Script

U808 - The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan

- You having much pain? - Not much.
- But I'm a little groggy.
- I'm a little groggy myself.
- Wanna lie down? - You better save your strength.
- Major.
- Oh, Able, I'm glad you're here.
I need some rest.
Yeah, you really look beat.
Good, but beat.
- Thanks.
- Good night.
It's nearly morning.
Halt! Who goes there? Klinger, you're a disgrace to the army.
Thank you, ma'am.
I'm doing my best.
I'll escort you to your tent.
- Over my dead body.
- That's possible, Major.
Some North Korean prisoners have been released in the area.
An attractive person like yourself might be in danger.
Of course, the same is true for me.
I can take care of myself, Cinderella.
I understand this is a good neighborhood to pick up sailors.
- Oh, can it.
- Halt! Who goes there? She's either surrendering or signaling for a touchdown.
- [Speaking Korean.]
- What the hell is she saying? Her mother's giving birth and needs help.
I'll get my bag.
This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- But, ma'am, that's dangerous! - I'll be fine.
If anything happens to you, can I have your clothes? ## [Singing.]
- Klinger, I'm here to relieve you.
- Good.
Undo my bra.
I usually don't let guys do this on the first date.
## [Humming.]
Looks like you're gonna be wearing a bigger hat for a while, soldier.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I can't make this out.
When did he last have morphine? I can't read it either.
It's Major Houlihan's writing.
- Gee, she writes bad enough to be a doctor.
- Get her here on the double.
- What if she's not dressed? - Bring her in her birthday suit.
My pleasure.
I'll get her.
We took enough shrapnel out of you to build a jeep.
Two seconds to go.
Celtics down by one.
Pierce with a 50-foot hook shot.
He makes it! The crowd goes wild! They spill onto the court.
He's smothered with cheerleaders.
Girls, please, there's enough to go around.
- Girls! Whoo! - Are you okay, sir? Never better.
Have you ever been attacked by a squadron of cheerleaders - shaking their pom-poms in your face? - No, we never had cheerleaders.
- My condolences to your libido.
- Right.
Uh, sir, I'm looking for Major Houlihan.
Oh, Radar, you little devil.
It's not for me, sir.
It's for Colonel Potter.
- That's even worse.
He's a married man.
- Come on.
I gotta find her.
- Have you looked in her tent? - Yeah.
So have I, but she keeps catching me.
Two points! [Hawkeye.]
Let's ask the average G.
Excuse me, sir.
I have a question for you.
That must be the one I ordered last week.
Where is it? - It's in my mouth.
- Spit it out.
The corporal here and I are looking for a Major Houlihan.
Sorry, but I know a geisha house in Tokyo where you can get a minor Houlihan.
Come on, guys.
This is important.
I've just been in the shower, and I didn't see anyone in there with clusters like Margaret's.
Will you guys pipe down! There's a doctor trying to sleep here! - Then shut up, Frank.
You might wake him.
- And nuts to you.
- Master of the half-witticism.
- What are you doing here, grunthead? - I'm trying to locate Major Houlihan.
- You mean Major Houlihan, sir.
I don't know what to call her anymore.
She says "ma'am.
" You say "sir.
" ## [Hawkeye Singing.]
Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me.
- Now get out! - Okay! But I'm telling you.
It's really spooky.
It's like she disappeared.
- Check Houdini's tent.
- People just don't disappear.
- Tell that to Amelia Earhart.
- I hope Margaret's all right.
Trust me.
She's great.
How can you make jokes when she could be lying out there in a ditch somewhere with two broken legs, with rats and bugs crawling all over her? - Frank, stop it.
You're getting me excited! - Suppose the Chinese got her.
- Suppose King Kong got her.
- Could be.
She's always been a little bananas.
- We can't just sit around.
We gotta do something.
- You're right.
I'll shave.
- I'll take a shower.
- Where's my shirt? - Here.
- You used my shirt as a basketball? Had to.
Your underwear wouldn't bounce.
- Hey, Klinger? - [Grunts.]
- Uh, Klinger? - Mom, I don't wanna go to school today.
- I've got a headache.
- It's Radar.
Radar, I don't wanna go to school today.
- Have you seen Major Houlihan? - She's having a baby.
Klinger, you're dreaming.
Honey, let's get back in the front seat.
Here come the cops.
An officer shouldn't go out looking like this.
You're right, Frank.
And that wrinkled shirt doesn't help either.
- Where I'm going, nobody cares how I look.
- That could be anywhere.
- I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
- I understand she's game.
Don't be a smarty-pants.
She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens.
They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree doing unspeakable things to her.
Speak a few.
Frank, if you don't put that gun away, I'm gonna find a new holster for it.
## [Singing.]
## [Humming.]
You moron! You could have killed me! It was an accident! It ricocheted off the footlocker.
- I'll ricochet your nose off the footlocker.
- What happened? - Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg.
- I'm sorry.
- Let me take a look at it.
- Will you respect me in the morning? He just grazed it.
You're gonna have to have a couple of stitches though.
- Help me get him into O.
- Frank, you're a credit to the enemy.
I said I'm sorry.
What more can I do? [B.
Put an apple in your mouth.
We'll play William Tell.
Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you? - [Hawkeye.]
Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.
- I'm not acting! - [B.
Get away from me! - Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble.
Huh? Please? Pretty please? - [Hawkeye.]
We promise, Frank.
- [Potter.]
What happened here? - Frank shot B.
- Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver! - [Potter.]
How bad is it? - Superficial.
Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides - How did it happen, Burns? - You mean - Right.
- I was cleaning my weapon, and it discharged prematurely.
Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan.
I see.
So naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
- Well, what's so funny, Corporal? - Sorry, sir.
Don't blame the boy, Burns.
He knows a goodjoke when he sees one.
- Colonel, permission to go out and find the major? - Permission denied.
- But - No.
I'll be in my tent.
- [Chuckles.]
- A mental pygmy.
- Now, what's the story on Houlihan? - Nobody's seen her.
- Strange.
- I've checked with everyone from Nurse Able to Sergeant Zale.
- "A" to "Z.
" Very methodical.
- I try to use the alphabet whenever I can, sir.
- You must have missed someplace.
- I've looked everywhere except the nurses' showers.
Oh, no, sir.
I couldn't look in there.
There might be naked female personnel showering with their clothes off.
- What's the big deal? - Oh, well, "nudidity" makes me breathe funny.
Affects me the same way.
Do it.
But, sir, couldn't we find somebody else, like maybe Captain Pierce? No, we'd never get him out of there.
You're the man.
I Yes, sir.
- Hello? - [Screams.]
Radar, get out of here! - Don't be scared.
My eyes are closed.
- What do you want? - I'm just looking for Major Houlihan.
Is she in here? - No, she's not! - Oh.
Well, then, I'll just go then.
- Good.
- Good.
- Radar! - [Grunting.]
- No, remember, breathe.
[Breathing Deeply.]
- [Man Speaking Korean.]
- She's gonna be fine.
Hold it, no! Don't push.
Don't push.
Uh [Korean.]
Got a little problem here.
She'll be fine.
The cord's around the baby's neck.
I just have to move it.
It's okay now.
Major Houlihan is here to help you.
Just promise me you won't grow up to be a North Korean.
Medically speaking, Frank Burns is a beanbag.
- Put it in layman's terms.
- He belongs in a rubber room.
He's nuts! - I agree he's a pain in the neck.
- Try three feet lower.
But you gotta give him an "A" for resourcefulness.
How many doctors do you know provide their own patients? Excuse me, sirs.
I was just looking in the nurses' showers.
I told you you wouldn't go blind.
- Any luck? - No, sir.
Nurse Baker was the only one in there.
If that's not luck, I'll eat my socks.
Radar, call the M.
Ask 'em if they've seen Major Houlihan.
- Yes, sir.
- And then ask them if they've seen Gone With the Wind.
Pumpkinhead! Now my lip's going to swell up! - Might even get to normal size.
- Go twaddle in your tent.
- What is it, Burns? - Well, Colonel, I'm still worried about Margaret.
- We're all worried, Major.
- But I'm more worried than anybody else.
- It's not a contest.
- Sir, I just don't feel like I'm doing enough.
You're doing fine.
It's only 10:00, and you've already shot a doctor.
Sir, I called the M.
Nobody's seen Major Houlihan.
- Well, I better turn this over to Intelligence.
- That lets you out, Frank.
- I'll call "l" Corps - Ring up "l" Corps Tell the M.
S to search all native vehicles.
Alert the M.
S to check all native vehicles.
Sir, I'm willing to help in any way I can.
I know I'm a real asset.
You're only off by two letters.
I'm telling you, Sparky.
It's weird.
If a full-size person like Major Houlihan can just disappear think what could happen to my rabbit.
He could be kidnapped by some Chinese magician.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Door Opening.]
Uh, Spark, I gotta go.
Colonel Flagg just come in.
Okay, pip-squeak, what tipped you off? Uh, well, you don't look anything like you, sir.
And since you're a master of disguises, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
I'll buy that for now.
But if you ever cross me up, you're gonna get a number eight.
What's that? Have you ever heard of the Malaysian chest implosion torture? - No, sir.
- Good, 'cause there's no such thing.
- Yet.
- Right.
I'll get Colonel Potter for you.
- Hold it! - All right.
Nobody tells anybody I'm anywhere.
- Right.
- Including me.
With you in a minute, Flagg.
Nice suit.
Your clown outfit in the cleaners? Don't try to be funny with me, Colonel.
I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.
- Really? - Watched a hundred hours of The Three Stooges.
Every time I felt like smiling I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
- That ought to do it.
- Let's can the small talk.
Fill me in on the Houlihan case.
Well, she's been missing since last night.
We've looked everywhere.
Everywhere? [Chuckles.]
There's no such thing as "everywhere.
" I'm gonna change and poke around a bit.
Pardon me for asking, Colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher? - Can you keep a secret? - I think so.
I'm disguised as Ling Chow, Chinese double agent.
Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this.
- Follow me? - As far as I'd like to.
- Well, I'm off.
- I couldn't have said it better myself.
- How's the leg? - Not too bad.
When I blow on my big toe, my thigh whistles.
Don't be such a namby-pamby.
It's just a little hole.
- Like the one in Frank's head.
- Pound it out your porthole.
- Come in.
- I'm already in.
- He's so light on his feet.
- Shut up.
- If you have anything to say, keep your mouth closed.
- [Mumbling.]
Can it.
What happened to your leg? - Cut myself shaving.
- Another comedian.
- Where's Houlihan? - I think it's near Dublin.
That's insubordination.
You do that to me one more time and I'm entitled to bite off your left ear.
- Just food for thought.
- He's not bluffing.
He got van Gogh.
Let me tell you something.
I have a complete record on you.
I know every move you make.
Everything there is to know about you, so watch your step, Hunnicutt.
- I'm Pierce.
- Fine.
You wanna call yourself Pierce, I can play that game too.
[Nervous Giggle.]
- This won't look good on your record.
- It's only Reader's Digest.
Not when you eliminate the third, fifth and sixth letters.
Then it's Red's Digest, Comrade.
- But, Colonel - Listen, Pinko! You're my prime suspect.
- Isn't it true you had a torrid relationship with Houlihan? - No, sir.
- You wanna see the films? - Films? - I'll get the popcorn.
- You were insanely jealous of her engagement.
You were furious at being rejected.
You were capable of murder.
That's right.
So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
- The saxophone.
- Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
Then you performed plastic surgery.
Made her look like Johnny.
The rest is obvious.
You stuck her in a trunk.
You mailed her to Las Vegas.
And now she's doing two shows a night at the Sands.
- Three on Saturday.
- There's only one flaw in that theory.
- Only one? - They don't do three shows Saturday night at the Sands.
- How do you know? - I was a showgirl for six weeks.
- Colonel Potter, sir.
- Radar, you can call me either Colonel or sir.
- You don't have to call me both.
- Yes, sir, Colonel.
That's better.
Now, what is it? The Korean ladies are here for their baby birthing lesson.
And Major Houlihan and I usually do that, so I was wondering [Simultaneously.]
If I could help out and give the lecture to the Korean ladies.
- Sure.
- Thank you, sir.
Sometimes that stuff makes me gag.
- I'll be gentle.
- Good morning, my colonel.
- Klinger, you look lovely in yellow.
- Always a gentleman.
- Now the contractions are getting really strong.
- [Korean.]
When you feel one, you take a deep breath and push.
- Between them, you relax and breathe normally.
- [Korean.]
Now we're getting near the finish line.
Another contraction and you can see the baby's head appear.
So you take a deep breath and push.
Take it easy, Radar.
You don't wanna shoot him across the room.
Now as you gently rotate the baby's head the shoulder will appear.
And once the shoulders are delivered, the rest of the body slips through easily.
- Swoosh! - [Korean.]
Swish! But it doesn't sound like that.
Congratulations, Mrs.
It's a bear.
A C.
, F.
, Intelligence man drinking? I'm not drinking.
It just looks like I'm drinking.
- You had me fooled.
- Two years ago in Morocco I had a device surgically implanted in my throat that neutralizes alcohol.
That way the enemy can never get me drunk.
- I find that hard to swallow.
- I heard they do that to get the truth out of you.
Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is.
I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
That's the best way to keep things organized.
Making yourself at home, Flagg? I have no home.
I'm the wind.
- I told you he was the wind.
You said he was the stars.
- No, I said he was the moon.
Listen, Colonel Wind, would you mind blowing your butt off my chair so I can sit down? Very well, Colonel.
Time for me to get up anyway.
- I only sit two minutes a day.
- It's bad to put pressure on your brains.
Glad you're here, Potter.
I want you all to hear my plan.
If it's your plan, sir, I'll bet it's a good one.
Burns, you interrupt me one more time, I'm gonna drop a grenade down your shorts.
Got it.
Now, I have searched the entire camp and Major Houlihan is not here.
I think the Chinese got her.
I have been in this business 20 years and I'm not interested in the speculations of an amateur.
- What's your theory? - The Chinese got her.
That's what I said, sir.
What? Oh, nothing.
No, it's Nothing.
Now, I want a platoon of rangers to parachute into North Korea to search and destroy anything that moves.
- But, Colonel, Margaret moves! - Who would know better than Frank? Colonel, let's not cause any unnecessary casualties.
- What's war without casualties? - Peace.
If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was! - He's got a point there.
- Yeah, it's under his hat.
All we're interested in is getting Major Houlihan back.
- I'll get her back.
- Dead or alive? Right.
Alert the navy for offshore artillery.
I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions.
About a dozen.
- You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions? - Big ones.
- What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions? - It's personal.
Gift for a friend.
That's it.
Get moving.
Corporal! If you can't find scorpions get two snakes and a rat.
And a rat.
Right, right.
[Baby Cooing.]
- Afternoon, Major.
- Corporal.
- I see everything came out all right.
- Isn't he beautiful? He sure is.
In my family, every baby had a nose like a hawk.
Take him and his mother over to post-op.
I'll be there in a minute.
How do you breathe through that little thing? - Anything happen while I was gone? - I ripped my pink pedal pushers.
Other than that, it's been very quiet.
Coochie, coochie, coochie.
Stop that.
You wanna call out the entire 315th Air Division? That's gonna make a lot of noise.
Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb? Hey, don't try to make friends with me.
I've been sitting here quietly for a long time, and there's something I'd like to say now.
- What is it? - Good-bye.
- [Hawkeye.]
I'll join you.
- Go on ahead, you two bleeding hearts.
Colonel Flagg and I don't need you.
My father touched me like that once.
To this day, he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
- Margaret! - [All Shouting Indistinctly.]
- [Flagg.]
Hold it! - Colonel Flagg.
Don't anybody touch her.
She may be booby-trapped.
Wait a minute, Flagg.
Where have you been, Margaret? I went down the road to deliver a baby.
Didn't Klinger tell you? - Klinger! - He probably forgot.
His mind isn't what it used to be.
- Maybe he's going through menopause.
- We were worried sick! Well, Flagg, it was fun while it lasted.
Count on me.
I can find anything.
Can you find my virginity? I lost it 20 years ago.
I haven't seen it since.
Radar! - Get on the horn.
Call off the whole shebang.
- I just did.
Sir, what about your scorpions? That's all right.
I'll get some from home.
Well, I guess you've got better things to do, Flagg, like torturing sheep.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Now, everybody close your eyes.
- I beg your pardon? - Close our eyes? - Oh, no, no, no.
- When I finish a job, nobody sees me leave.
- I forgot.
You're the wind.
- I'm either swallowed up by night or disappear in the mist.
It's my trademark.
Now, close your eyes.
- I'd rather close my ears.
- If you don't close your eyes, I'm not leaving.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Okay.
- [Screams.]
- [Glass Shattering.]
The wind just broke its leg.
I've got it.
Third one from the left.
- She was wearing a big hat and carrying a parasol.
- What are you talking about? I saw Colonel Flagg in Vegas when he was a showgirl.
I knew there was something wrong with her.
- What tipped you off, the beard? - No, she was the only one carrying a machine gun.
## [Singing.]
[Imitating Machine Gun Fire.]
- Checkmate.
- What? Again? What is it with you?
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