M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e10 Episode Script

U813 - Hawkeye Get Your Gun

Doctor, do you want me to hold that for you? - Uh, Nurse.
- Doctor? Scratch, please.
Left infrascapula.
Ah! Bull's-eye.
- Lucky shot.
- [Able.]
Lucky shot, nothing.
I know my anatomy.
I wish I knew your anatomy like you know your anatomy.
- [B.
Anybody? Time.
- About 0100.
around the clock.
Sure beats workin' around here.
I'm so bushed, I can't remember my last patient.
- He had quintuplets.
- Oh, yeah.
¡Silencio! How can I operate with all this flapdoodle going on? Where there's a war, there's a way, Frank.
- How many more out there? - I counted 19 when I came in.
Nineteen? There were 19 two hours ago.
They restock the shelves when they run out.
I'm closing, Colonel.
A couple more minutes, and I can take over for you.
- Why? - Why? Well, you must be dog-tired.
Yes, but why me more than anyone else? Oh, because you're old uh, older than the rest of us, sir.
And you look dead uh, beat.
Major, I can match you incision for incision, suture for suture clamp for clamp, patient for patient! But not goof for goof.
Oh, mind your own kipper, Pierce.
Sir, I was only trying I know what you were trying to do.
I was the first man in.
I'll be the last man out.
If they have to carry me out.
- Hi, Klinger.
- What you got, Igor? - For Radar.
- I'll give it to the fink when he gets back.
- Why "fink"? - 'Cause every time the fink gets a four-day pass I get stuck with the job.
I may look like a perfect secretary, but I'd rather dig latrines.
- Look at those nails.
- Here, for you.
Do you know what this is? This is the end to my brilliant military career.
- You're crazy.
- Not anymore.
I got something better than crazy.
If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
He didn't mean anything by it, Colonel.
He was only trying to insult you.
- Colonel, I've got to talk to you right away! - Klinger, go put on a dress.
Pardon me, sir.
Did you call me "Klinger"? - If you aren't Klinger, who the Sam Hill are you? - Sam Hill maybe.
I am Zoltan, King of the Gypsies.
You just made my day.
Zoltan, King of the Gypsies, you're talking yourself into a court-martial, soldier.
You can't court-martial me.
I'm not in the army.
- Not in the army? - No, sir.
I'm not an American citizen.
- I think he's on to something.
- I wouldn't miss it for all the chipped beef in Korea.
Klinger, how can you be king of the Gypsies when you're Lebanese? Good question.
I was stolen from the Gypsies by two ruthless Lebanese peasants who brought me up as their own flesh and blood.
- I like this.
- Mmm.
A signed confession from the culprits.
It's a signed confession, all right.
And I've been elected king of my whole tribe.
- This is an urgent request to return and ascend the throne.
- Sorry.
I don't read Gypsy.
- Take my word for it.
- Of course.
- I'll be waiting in my tent with my bags packed.
- You'll have a long wait.
Sir, my people need me.
Klinger, if I bought this story, they'd boot me out of the army.
It's true.
Now I know why the sounds of violins set my blood on fire.
Why I'm so attracted to storefront windows.
Why, when I smell paprika, I face towards Budapest.
- Why I have the urge to roam.
- Zoltan, roam the hell outta here.
- If you'd like your tea leaves read - I prefer them green.
- Dismissed.
- ## [Singing.]
## [Screeches Off-key.]
I think the king just gave himself a hernia.
- No more rhubarb, Private? - All gone, sir.
"All gone, sir"? I'd like to know how come rhubarb always disappears the minute I show up.
- It's not just rhubarb, Frank.
People disappear.
- Stay out of this, snooping sam.
Why do you always give me a bad time every time I give you a bad time? Aw, blow it out your bagpipe.
Hello, Major.
May I join you for some pleasant conversation? - Sure, Major.
Sit down and keep your mouth shut.
- [Chuckling.]
We got a call from Korean Army Hospital 426.
They're screaming for supplies and surgeons.
They're up to their scalpels in casualties.
They need our help.
- For criminy sakes! We're surgeons, not supermen.
- You can say that again.
Oh, are you comparing us to your Colonel Penobscott again? If Donald were here, he'd be the first one to volunteer.
That's how he became engaged.
She asked for volunteers.
- [Snickering.]
- I heard that.
- Here's your rhubarb, sir.
- Oh, sure.
- I'll volunteer, sir.
Just say the word.
- Sorry, Major.
They didn't ask for nurses, and I'm not offering.
I'm dispatching two surgeons and all the supplies a jeep can carry.
How do we pick the two surgeons? - Alphabetically is fine with me.
- Oh, sure.
Captain Pierce begins with a "P," and that puts Major Burns with a "B" right at the top.
- Really? - Don't blow your top, Major.
It won't be alphabetical.
- I suggest straws.
Two shortest out of three pulls the duty.
- Where do you get three? Burns, one, Pierce, two, Hunnicutt, three.
- Potter, four.
- You, sir? - Yes, me.
- But, sir, you're a grandfather.
Yes, a grandfather, but not Whistler's mother.
Well, you're spry for your age, Colonel.
Anyone can see that.
But as commanding officer and senior member of the surgical staff shouldn't you put your junior officers on this detail? - How do we shut Junior up? - Suture his lips.
Burns, I may not be a colt, but I'm not an old gray mare either.
- She's right.
- I'm just as fit for this detail as you are.
Maybe fitter! We'll settle this right now.
Frank, how would you like to be our first kamikaze surgeon? - It's simple.
You just do a lobotomy on yourself.
- Stick it in the freezer.
May I commandeer this deck for one minute? - Oh, but, sir, look.
- Holy cow! Sorry, son.
Two low cards go for a ride.
- [Frank Sighs, Clears Throat.]
- Hunnicutt.
## [B.
I guess I get to wave bye-bye.
I do better with straws.
Looks like a marriage, Frank.
I know I can do better, but at my age, can I wait? - Deuce.
- Well, that's a gyp.
That means you go and I stay.
- Oh, that's good.
- Well, Frank, looks like you've been jilted again.
It's you and me, Pierce.
Burns, load the jeep with supplies and don't forget my Geritol.
Gowns, masks, sterile cotton, tape Tape.
What did you do with the tape? Here.
Just 'cause I'm a Gypsy doesn't mean I stole it.
Today you're a Gypsy.
Yesterday you were a ballerina.
Don't scoff, sir.
Your fate is an open book to me.
- You're daffy.
- We read the future.
So can I.
In about five seconds, I'm gonna bust your nose.
Don't bite off more than you can chew, sir.
Believe me, the future is written in the palm of your hand.
Oh, yeah? What does it say? - It says [Gasps.]
- What is it? What do you see? - Let me be the first to congratulate you, sir.
- Somebody die, leave me money? - No, sir.
You're gonna cover yourself with glory.
- I am? - Oh, Yes.
You've got a strong glory line.
- Go on.
You're about to go on a trip, sir, a mission of mercy to a hospital many miles away.
I see I see a medal.
It's gold.
- A gold medal? - [Blows.]
- It's turning green.
- Green? It says, "For your total disregard of danger, for operating above and beyond the call of duty for insisting to go on this mission instead of Colonel Potter.
" Oh, buzz off, goofball! I know what your little game is, and it won't work.
Sir, you're 20 years younger than the colonel.
So? The old and the weak get knocked off.
The young and the strong survive.
It's the law of the jungle.
- [Door Closes.]
- A lion should eat your face.
- Where does this go, sir? - There's room up front, Your Highness.
Ah, good idea.
The colonel can use it as a footrest.
I'll rest my foot on your butt.
Climb in, Pierce.
Where's your gun? Sulking under my cot.
We're not on speaking terms.
Go kiss and make up.
You're taking it with you.
Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll just trigger another argument.
Pierce, you're taking along your sidearm.
I'm taking along my right-side arm and my left-side arm.
You need an enemy before you can surrender.
Didn't they teach you that in basic training? Pierce, I'm not riding shotgun.
Get that weapon.
- Gun boy.
- Ah, yes, sahib.
My feet are like wings.
## [Singing.]
- You're not hitting those high notes anymore.
- Hurt myself, sir.
- I thought so.
- Coffee, good and strong.
Thanks, Zoltan.
This will come in handy.
- Your parka, Colonel.
- Wouldn't know where to put it.
- You'll need this.
The roads are bumpy.
- I know where to put that.
- Your artillery, pard.
- Is it loaded? - Filled it with water myself.
- Watch out, everybody.
I shoot to drown.
- Do you think you can find it? - If we run into trouble, I'll call Triple "A.
" - Have a safe trip, gentlemen.
- How about a little kiss for the road? - Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Then how about one for me? - On this mission, you represent the 4077 th.
Don't forget that.
- Forget what? MASH would never send an officer who would disgrace us.
- You're right, Margaret.
I'm staying.
- Sit down, Pierce.
- You're right, Margaret.
I'm staying.
- Sit down, Pierce.
Beware, sirs.
I see snipers and land mines and artillery.
- You see any good restaurants? - Cut the chatter.
Let's move it.
Kick the chocks out from under the wheels.
Flaps up.
No offense, Margaret.
Contact! We're off! [Imitating Motor Rumbling.]
- Start the engine! - Oh, yeah.
[Incoming Shells, Explosions.]
Don't look now, but I think we're being followed by the war.
I've been followed by bigger wars than this.
Don't fight it, Colonel.
This one's bigger than both of us.
- Col.
Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.
- Where you headed, sir? Korean Hospital 426 near Kumhwa.
Are we close? - Two miles, dead ahead.
- Can you make that "straight ahead"? You'd better turn back, sir.
This area isn't secured.
Neither are we.
We're a mass of insecurity.
A lot of people bleeding to death up there, Sergeant.
Pierce and I are surgeons.
We're goin' in.
Goin' in isn't the problem, Colonel.
Getting out is.
- Sounds like marriage.
- Let's go.
- Good luck.
- Okay.
[Incoming Shells.]
- Sirs! - Is our room ready? We booked the Syngman Rhee suite overlooking the motor pool.
- Your commanding officer's expecting us.
- Yes, sir.
Watch that.
It's more valuable than all the pickled cabbage in Korea.
- Verstehen? - I watch, sir! They call this a hospital? I wouldn't operate on your horse under these conditions.
My horse wouldn't be caught dead in here.
I'm Major Choi.
- Col.
This is Capt.
- Hiya.
- How can I thank you for coming? - How about 5,000 apiece in small bills? Two enemy divisions attacked our forces early this morning.
- Successfully, I see.
- I'm short of help and drugs.
- Supplies are parked outside, Major.
- I'll send for them right now.
[Speaking Korean.]
Wash up over there.
We go to work.
I think we got the job.
Thank you.
Metzenbaum scissors.
I don't know what to do with "Metzenbaum.
" Uh, that instrument there pretending to be sterile.
That's it.
What'd you sterilize this in, egg drop soup? We do the best we can, Captain, with the little we have.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm opposed to germ warfare.
I'm not too crazy about that warfare either.
- Oh, great.
Right in the middle of resecting a bowel.
- [Korean.]
- [Object Clatters.]
- [Potter.]
- Getting tired, Colonel? - Doin' fine.
Haven't let a patient slip through my fingers yet.
You know, Colonel, in this light, you look just like Greer Garson.
- In what picture? - Mrs.
How long we been at this? I started surgery in 1932.
- I mean, this session.
- So do I.
- Maybe we should charge them piecework.
- We can't.
This is war.
By the way, which war is this? The latest war to end all wars.
More of Klinger's coffee? No, thanks.
It's beginning to dissolve my fillings.
I told him strong, not lethal.
I can hardly keep my eyes open.
- They're closed.
- You see what I mean? Your eyelids are beginning to send you messages too.
Time for a little shut-eye.
I don't take orders from my eyelids.
- Sleep.
Come on.
- I don't take orders from you either.
Come on.
I know what you've been going through.
You're exhausted.
I am not.
I slept last year.
If I said the word "sleep" three times to you, I'd put you right under.
- Not a chance.
- Oh, yeah? Watch this.
- Evening, Klinger.
- Evening who, sir? Sorry.
How's the tribe? My tribe, they're yearning for me, sir.
Of course they are.
What are you doing? Working on a plan to turn the motor pool into a Gypsy caravan.
You too? Any news about Hawkeye and the colonel? - They didn't call.
- I'm getting worried.
I don't like to have them stay out so late on a school night.
Put your mind at ease, sir.
We Gypsies have ways of finding things out.
Crystal ball? Cards.
Concentrate with me, sir.
Ten of clubs.
Ace of spades.
King of diamonds.
Jack of hearts.
This This is the crucial card.
Ah! Queen of diamonds.
Holy mackerel! I drew a straight! - Hawkeye.
- Huh? Did l I did.
I fell asleep.
You're one heck of a hypnotist.
- It works.
I just did it backwards.
- You can take over now.
Game's tough, and you're sending in your ace reliever, huh? That's right.
We're losing, and the bases are loaded.
Listen, you wanna finish a great dream for me? If I can't come up with one of my own.
I was in a candlelit room soft music in the background, soft girl in the foreground.
Stop right there.
I'm a married man.
Well, can you at least buy her a drink till I get back? Sure.
I watched your work.
It was a magnificent performance.
Souvenir programs are available in the lobby.
Major, I wish you'd drop in on us one day at the 4077 th and watch the whole team in action.
We do a matinee that has 'em rolling in the aisles.
- We have a good bunch of doctors.
- Even Frank Burns? You mean old Ferret Face? - You've heard of him.
- Yes.
He worked on a few of my men.
- And they survived? - Yes.
They were lucky.
[All Laughing.]
Again, thank you for all your help.
Thank you for all your wounded, without which our help would have meant nothing.
- Well, good-bye, Major.
- Good-bye.
May luck go with you.
- [Incoming Shells.]
- Yes, he may.
Tell him to hurry.
- Anan-nyung.
- Anan-nyung.
- I could use a belt.
- Why, are your pants falling down? Klinger thought of everything else.
You don't suppose Uh? Bless that Gypsy.
Belly up to the bar, Hawkeye.
Delighted! To Klinger! To Klinger's nose! - That's a double.
- All right.
To Zoltan! - To Zoltan's nose! That's a double.
- That's a double.
- To Charles de Gaulle! - And his nose! - That's a triple! - [Both Laughing.]
- Here's to your nose.
- Oh, that's a That's a half a one.
[Both Laughing.]
- [Machine Gun Fire.]
- [Whooping.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Oh! - [Machine Gun Fire Continues.]
- Hawkeye, your gun! - Forget that! Come on! What are they bombing us for? We're already bombed.
They totaled our jeep.
- The case will be in court for years.
- [Gunshots.]
Get down! You wanna be a dead duck? - No.
I'd rather be a live chicken.
- [Explosion.]
You wanna cut it out! Oh.
That was close.
I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes.
- Let me know when it does.
I love a parade.
- Even short ones? - Too young to die, Pierce? - I was hoping I'd make it to Thursday.
Well, I'm gonna give 'em one hell of a fight before they drag me off to any Chinese prison camp.
What's the matter, you don't like egg foo young? Miserable place for a regular-army man to spend the war.
Well, I don't believe anybody's made the offer yet.
- [Gunshots.]
- I think we just got an invi invitation.
[Gunfire Continues.]
- What are you shooting for? - Well, that's the way this game is played.
They shoot at us.
We shoot at them.
The last one to shoot wins.
- Here.
It's your turn.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
The reason they're shooting is that they're angry.
If I shoot back, they'll just get angrier.
Pierce, you got a good sense of humor but a lousy sense of timing.
- Fire that weapon.
- Fire it? I don't even like looking at it.
I said, "Fire that weapon!" All right.
You're fired.
- I did it as gently as I could.
- That was an order, Pierce.
Oh, waiter.
Would you take this man's order, please? - Fire the gun, Hawkeye.
- Look, Colonel.
I'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds but I will not inflict their wounds.
- You can't just sit there.
- I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.
- You love life that little? - I hate guns that much.
For God's sake, man, defend yourself.
Don't think of it as a gun.
Think of it as a great little noisemaker the loudest cap pistol in Korea.
Just shoot it and scare the living hell outta them.
Well, that that I can do.
All right, everybody, I start shooting at the count of three.
What's the matter? Oh, thank you.
Out of the way! Look out! Out of the way! Behind the trees! Take cover! Look out! [Gunfire.]
I used up all my bullets.
Now can I go home? - You're a crazier soldier than a surgeon.
- [Gunfire Stops.]
Thank you.
- You-You hear that? - I don't hear a thing.
That's what I mean.
Nobody's there.
They amscrayed.
Come here.
Come here, Pierce.
Take a look.
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
We're one of you.
You're one of us.
Apple pie, Betty Grable.
- Clara Bow.
- "Clara Bow"? Frank's right.
You are old.
- You medics? - [Potter.]
Surgeons with a MASH unit.
- What are you doing up here? - Lookin' for broads.
- You're not gonna find any there, Captain.
- No, no.
He's-He's lookin' for c-casualties.
Oh, they all pulled out.
We're moving out.
Let's go.
You didn't hit a single thing, sharpshooter.
Well, you fired as many shots as I did and you were the one who said you shot the apple off the kaiser's head.
Confidentially, Hawkeye, I couldn't hit a bullet with the side of a barn.
[Both Laughing.]
Look out for that bush.
- You all right, sir? - Great! Why shouldn't I be? - Well, you've been through some terrible ordeals.
- What ordeals? The Korean hospital ordeal, the bunker ordeal.
Piece of cake.
Enjoyed every minute.
Well, I think I'll turn in after I do my 50 pushups.
Care to join me? Uh, no, thank you, sir.
Good night.
Thanks for looking in, Major.
- [Knocking.]
- Come in.
- Finished with your tea, sir? - It was delicious, Klinger.
- May I read the tea leaves, sir? - By all means.
Says here, you're gonna take pity on a poor Gypsy boy who desperately wants to go home to his people.
Let's have a look.
The way I read it, the poor Gypsy boy is in danger of annoying his commanding officer.
And if he keeps it up, he'll get a boot in his tambourine.
- Got ya, sir.
Good night.
- Good night, Klinger.
[Groans Softly.]

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