M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e11 Episode Script

U811 - The Colonel's Horse

- [Hawkeye] Scissors.
- [Margaret] Scissors.
- In my hand, not my foot! - Sorry.
Cut this.
No, no, no.
Down here.
Not up there! - Sorry.
- [B.
J.
] You're full of"sorry's" today.
- I'm sorry.
- [Frank] You don't have to be snotty, Doctors.
What can I say after I've said I'm sorry? Always a comeback.
All closed.
Orderly! Ha-ha! I finished first.
- And my nurse can beat up your nurse.
- Your nurse could beat up him.
Oh, my God, there's a rotten cantaloupe in this man's stomach.
[B.
J.
] You're looking at Frank's rotten head.
- Doctors are supposed to be comrades in arms.
- Yeah, you want to tango? - Doctors are supposed to be comrades in arms.
- Yeah, you want to tango? We'll leave the skin and sub "Q" open.
I'll close in five days.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Always put off today what you can do tomorrow.
- Frank, when was the last time you had your gums bled? - [B.
J.
] Klinger.
Sire? You beckoned the prince of Toledo? - [B.
J.
] Post-op, Prince, for some intensive caring.
- Ja wohl, Herr Leutnant.
- You all right, Major? - Oh, slight twinge.
Indigestion.
- Last night's chicken beaks.
- No, she's really sick.
Yeah? Let me see.
You're going to meet a tall, dark stranger who sells insurance out of a rumble seat.
Well, that's what I saw! - ## [Singing] - Hey, what's up, Colonel? - I'm goin' to Tokyo.
- No kiddin'! Congratulations! Mildred got a flight to Japan, and I got a week's "R" and "R.
" How romantic! A second honeymoon.
Oh, at his age, they don't romance anymore.
Like hell! How do you think I got these bags under my eyes? - [Laughs] - During my absence, the second in command will be in charge.
I strongly resent that! Unfortunately, he means you, Frank.
Of course, I knew that.
[Laughs] - Command accepted, sir! - Hot dog.
Some people around here are gonna have to get up on their toes.
- I don't think I'm up to it.
- My tutu's in the cleaners.
- Aw, go fry an egg.
- Well, I got things to do.
## [All Singing] Colonel, Burns isn't fit to command.
No sweat.
Radar runs the outfit anyway.
Yeah, but he makes crazy rules.
Chew your food a hundred times.
- I showed the fink.
I swallowed my steak whole.
- Colonel! - Klinger.
- When you're in Tokyo, would you ask Mrs.
Potter to see if she can find this material at Goldstein's on the Ginza? - I'll ask.
- I'll need three yards.
Make it four.
I'm puttin' in pleats.
Red is okay.
Blue is okay.
But no aquamarine.
- Why not? - It matches his skin.
Nobody'd know I was there.
Why are you worried about Burns being in charge? You never follow orders anyway.
That's not the point.
Burns is an irritant.
- Like fingernails on a blackboard.
- Ooh.
I hate that sound.
- Can't you do something? - Like sit him down, have a talk with him? No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Don't be absurd.
There'd be an inquiry.
- Oh.
- Hey, I got an idea.
You could take him to Tokyo.
- Yeah.
He can be your traveling companion.
- Tote your barge.
- Post your bail.
- I can tote my own barge, thank you.
- Look, what this boils down to is who gets stuck with Burns.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now if you were in command, what would you do? - I'd take him to Tokyo.
That's why you're not in command.
Dismissed.
- [Groans] - That pain again? - Yes, Major.
- Margaret, when you're sick, can't you call me Frank? You know I'm an engaged person.
- Let me probe your abdomen.
- You'll go insane.
No, I won't.
I'm not an animal.
I'm a doctor.
I can curb my lust.
Very well.
- Margaret! - [Screams] I knew it! I knew it! I'm sorry.
It was last night's chili.
- I'm afraid I have a bad appendix.
- Let me operate? Please! It isn't necessary.
It isn't a hot appendix.
It's chronic.
Let me remove it.
I'll put it in a nice mason jar with a little alcohol.
I'll bring you ice cream with chocolate sauce and perhaps some Oreo cookies.
- No! - Show me some consideration.
Let me cut you open.
- Is she okay, sir? - Sometimes she favors this hoof.
- I'll bet it's those army shoes.
- They ain't army.
They were made by a Korean blacksmith, Hopalong Wang.
- Next time, I shoe her myself.
- You know how? I can put horseshoes on a mosquito.
Gee, sir, is there anything you can't do? Yeah.
Get rid of this gas.
- Last night's chili.
- Like eating a volcano.
Give her a good grooming every other day.
She likes that.
Oh, I know, sir.
Once she smiled at me with her nice, big yellow teeth.
Give her plenty of salt, plenty of water.
I like regular irrigation.
Hmm, you sound just like my mom.
She always says "Better to hold the phone than to get a kidney stone.
" Wonderful woman.
You'll be in good hands, sweetheart.
Radar's gonna take care of you.
You know, Radar, being away from Mrs.
Potter, this mare's been a blessing.
- She knows you're leaving, sir.
Look at her eyes.
- Like Fay Wray.
- I don't know her.
- King Kong this big monkey, carried her to the top of the Empire State Building.
Wow! I had heard there were some weirdos in New York.
- [Knocking] - Come.
- Colonel - Oh, turn around for a second, Major.
Let me get decent.
Something on your mind? Sir, request permission to go to Tokyo to have my appendix removed.
- You got a hot one? - Chronic.
Occasional flare-up.
That can go on for years.
Why remove a muffler just 'cause it backfires once in a while? - Well - [Man On P.
A.
] Attention, all personnel! We have winners of the Abbott and Costello look-alike contest.
- Colonel, the reason l - Oh, hold it! I'm entered in this.
The winners are Corporal Klinger and prisoner of war Chang Suk Yin.
Oh, darn it! I knew they'd bring in a ringer.
The winners receive a Norman Rockwell print clipped from last week's Saturday Evening Post.
- Lucky buggers.
Where were we? - My appendix.
Oh, yeah.
I can't recommend elective surgery.
But if she flares up, we've got a whole corral of surgeons here.
Colonel, Major Burns usually handles the simple operations and I don't want him to touch me.
Oh, now the skunk is outta the bag.
- If my appendix becomes acute - God forbid.
God forbid.
Can you arrange for Dr.
Pierce to operate? - I'll give him the word.
- Thank you, sir.
- Keep a firm abdomen.
- [Chuckles] I'm sorry you lost, sir.
- Thank you.
- [Man On P.
A.
] Attention! Corporal Klinger will accept the Rockwell print by himself.
Chang Suk Yin has escaped.
Radar, so I can read on the plane, get me that book by Dr.
Hugo Schlecter.
- Schlecter? - How to Sweat with Closed Pores.
- Dermatologist.
- Yes, sir.
- Sir.
- Klinger.
[Moans] No pearls? No dress? How come you're out of uniform? I gave up tryin' to get a discharge, sir.
I'm so depressed.
Depressed? You just won a Norman Rockwell print.
I know, but I'm still in the dumps.
Buck up, son.
I'll bring back that material from Tokyo.
You'll make yourself a beautiful evening gown.
You'll feel like a new man.
That's what I wanted to tell you, Colonel.
You don't have to bother.
How about a nice pair of nylons? Send your morale a mile high.
- No, thanks anyway.
- Found your book, sir.
Hey, Klinger, congratulations on the contest.
You lucky guy.
Dummy up! For a guy who looks like Abbott and Costello, he sure has no sense of humor.
I still think I should've won that contest.
- Who's on first.
- What? What's on second.
Ha! Ha.
- Glad I caught you, Colonel.
- Yeah, Hawkeye.
I was, uh, helping Father Mulcahy look at some pictures.
- He's gotta pick the "Nun of the Week.
" - Dedicated man.
On the Ginza, there's a little newspaper stand right across the street from Goldstein's.
Would you get me this month's issue of Nudist Frolics Naked Health, and the Bare Back News? I'll be in uniform.
I can't go in there.
- Ask Mrs.
Potter.
- Okay.
She's a good scout.
You really go for those nudie magazines, don't you? - Just for the volleyball scores.
- Ever go to one of those skin farms? - Once.
Didn't have the nerve to put down my ukulele.
- [Laughs] Sir, your plane leaves Kimpo in one hour.
Right.
Oh, Hawkeye, I almost forgot.
Lf, uh, Major Houlihan's appendix has to come out she wants you to do the job.
- What about Burns and his 10 magic thumbs? - She put the kibosh on him.
Zorro will leave his mark.
- Take care of the mare, Radar! - Yow! - [Knocking] - Go away, Frank! - I told you not to bother me! - Fuller Brush Man.
I have a special today.
A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.
- Did I say come in? - Only part of me is in.
The best part is still outside.
- What do you want? - I didn't come to see you, just your appendix.
We can discuss my appendix in the O.
R.
, post-op, anyplace but here.
No, it's Wednesday.
I always make tent calls.
You know, that robe does something for you.
- It does something for me too.
- Watch it, Doctor.
I'm just a growing boy with active glands.
When you're in my tent, you'll curb your glands.
Next time I'll leave 'em tied up outside.
Why are such skillful medical hands attached to someone like you? Sorry, I come as a set.
Potter told me about your problem.
So, uh, Major, if you'll just lie down there - [Laughs] No, no, no, no.
- Your lips say, "No, no, no," but your appendix says, "Yes, yes, yes.
" My appendix does not bother me.
When it flares up, I'll call you.
You know, when you're angry, you look just like Victor Mature.
Please leave.
Margaret, a pre-operation grope is essential.
[Sighs] Well - And fun.
- Uh, no! Here.
Here.
It hurts right here.
- Oh! You swine! - Well, you know Radar's comin', Sophie.
You're gonna have a nice brush and rub.
[Neighs] Holy socks! - [B.
J.
] Ready, Doctor? - [Hawkeye] Ready.
Ha! You now owe me - $3,427.
- You on Diners? - No credit, Elroy.
- Take a traveler's check? - Sure.
- I'll find the traveler.
You take his check.
- Ooh! - Aah! Oh! Uh, sirs.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
The colonel's mare is lyin' down.
Her eyes and her nose are running.
I told you to shovel out that corral.
- When a horse is down, it means she's sick.
- I come from Maine.
All I've ever done is take a lobster's thermidor.
- Something's wrong! - Probably "mal de mare.
" - Are you sure she wasn't just rolling in the manure? - As a little pick-me-up? No, she's sick! And I promised to take care of her.
- Just take a look.
- No, I don't make stable calls.
But this is serious.
Colonel Potter will have me executed and court-martialed.
- Come on.
Let's take a look.
- I'm not a veterinarian.
- You're a veteran.
- Close enough for jazz.
Let's go play horsey.
Now, these fellas are people doctors, but they know where you keep everything.
- Watch the legs, Hawk.
- Yeah, I'll watch the legs.
You tell her not to kick me.
- Don't kick him, Sophie.
- Thanks.
- Hope she knows I'm a doctor.
- Show her your diploma.
- Oh, come on, guys.
Stop horsin' around.
- [Chuckles] - You know what I mean.
- Try your stethoscope.
Hello, hello.
Yeah, it works fine.
- On the horse.
- Oh, the big brown thing? Yes! - Mm-hmm.
- Anything? Congestion? I'm picking up Eddie Arcaro.
[Whispering] Oh, for Pete's sakes! I don't hear a thing.
Maybe the speaker's broken.
- Maybe she's not plugged in.
- Oh Hell! - What? - You heard me! H-E double toothpicks! You guys don't care! - Hey, hey, hey.
Radar, take it easy.
- Sure we care.
Who delivered your guinea pig's triplets Manny, Moe and Jack? Who gave your chicken an aspirin when it got hysterical? - You, sir.
- [B.
J.
] Who belted Major Burns - when he wanted to cook your rabbit for Easter? - Both you sirs.
What you What you have to understand, Radar is that we just don't know anything about horses.
- Well, she's a mare.
- Gender notwithstanding.
Radar, why don't you call Colonel Potter? - I couldn't do that! He'll kill me! - Hey! My father-in-law's been in Oklahoma for 50 years.
Once you're in a road company, it's very hard to get back to Broadway.
He lives there.
He knows all about horses, cows, pigs, all that stuff.
- [Radar] What town does he live in? - Quapaw.
Where else? A gas station, a grocery store and a fashionable restaurant called "Eats.
" Radar, can you patch through a call to Quapaw, Oklahoma? [Radar] I can sure try.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Oh, Hawk, take the mare's temperature.
By law, there should be a nurse present.
I'll leave the door open.
Would you take off your coat, please.
Sparky? Hi.
Yeah, it's Radar.
How ya doin'? Good.
Uh, listen, Sparky, we wanna patch a call through to, uh, Quapaw, Oklahoma.
No, uh, Quapaw.
Yeah, look, I know you're busy, but No, it's not a personal call, it's-it's an animal call.
Geez, you don't have to shout my head off! Our C.
O.
's mare is sick.
- Make him a deal.
- Like what? Um, try some aftershave lotion.
No, uh, it irritates his pimples.
Think Captain Pierce would part with some of his nudist magazines? Sacrilege.
Uh, try, uh, a movie.
Oh, hey, Sparky.
Uh, listen, how'd you like a movie? No, it's not a V.
D.
Movie.
It's a real movie.
We got a Rita Hayworth picture.
Gilda.
Huh? No.
No.
No Indians, but a lot of hugging, kissing, and other violence.
Okay.
Yeah, terrific.
We'll hang on.
- Hey, he's going through to Honolulu.
- Great.
- What's her temperature? - I dropped the thermometer in the corral.
The temperature of the manure is 62 degrees.
What? Sparky? Yeah? Good! - He's through to Honolulu.
- Love the booze, hate the music.
Yeah? Okay! He's got Seattle.
Hey, it's yesterday there.
- It's today here.
- It's always today here.
- What about tomorrow? - Good point.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Yeah, Sparky.
Oklahoma City, right.
- Uh, yeah.
What's the name of your father-in-law? - Floyd Hayden.
- Come on.
- No, really.
You got Quapaw.
Good.
Okay, look we're looking for a Mr.
Floyd Hayden, H-A-Y-D-E-N.
# M-O-U-S-E # - Ah, okay, it's ringing.
- Oh, it's ringing! Hello, hello? Oh, it's still ringing.
- Pa! Hi, it's B.
J.
- Got him.
No.
No, I'm not at the bus station.
I'm still in Korea.
No, we're not still fighting the Germans, Pa.
That was your war.
- Huh? Yeah, I get a letter from Peg every day.
- Come on.
Come on.
- The horse.
- Wha Oh, look, Pa, I can't hang on too long.
We need your help.
Gimme a pencil and paper.
We got a sick horse here.
Yeah, a mare.
- She's down.
Just a minute.
What's her heart rate? - Fifty.
Fifty.
Uh-huh.
Too fast.
- Well, look, uh - Could it be emotional? - Could be.
Colonel Potter hasn't taken her out for a week.
- Hold on a minute, Floyd.
- Any growling in her stomach? - Silencio.
Not a sound.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh! All right, thanks, Pa.
Listen, you take care of yourself now.
- Yeah, I miss you too.
Oh, do me a favor will you? - There's more.
Call Peg and tell her everything's fine.
- Except the horse.
Right.
Thanks.
- The horse.
- What? - What? What? What? Too much dry grass and not enough water.
She's got colic.
- Oh, that's serious! - Floyd says it can kill her.
- Colic? - Intestines are blocked.
We gotta keep her on her feet, so they won't twist.
And we gotta clean her out.
Lots and lots of warm water.
I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going.
- Hook this to the spigot up there.
- It looks awful high.
- You want the other end? - It's not so high.
- Upsy-daisy.
- I love you, Daddy.
My word.
What's all the excitement about, Hawkeye? Colonel Potter's horse is congested.
We're trying to help her out.
- You're a good Christian.
- Hallelujah.
Oh, I mean that sincerely, Hawkeye.
Sophie's one of God's creatures too.
Sometimes we all need a helping hand.
Hey, Hawkeye, she's trying to lay down again! Walk her around! Keep her moving! The voice from above.
Easy, sweetheart.
It's not gonna hurt.
The water's warm.
Come on.
Come on.
In Atlantic City, this'd cost you seven-fifty.
Is it serious? You want me to pray? You got a horse prayer, Father? I did one for a Great Dane with peritonitis.
- Pray taller.
- So be it.
- Keep her movin', Radar.
- Yo.
Come on, girl.
Come on.
Start the warm water.
[Water Splashes] Take your loved ones and move to higher ground.
Is it warm enough? Just right.
I know just how you feel.
I once chewed a pack of gum with a bag of potato chips.
- Ready? - I am, but the mare's a little tense.
Help's on the way.
- [Hawkeye] Stand by.
- Stand by! - Stand by! - Standing by! - Standing by! - Standing by! - Stand by.
- [Hawkeye] Turn it on! - Turn it on! - Turn it on! Here she comes! Here she comes! - Here she comes.
- Oy.
- How's it goin'? - How's it going? - Terrific.
- [Hawkeye] Hold the water! - Hold the water! - Hold the water! Holding! [Horse Neighs] [Cheering, Applause] Yeah, Sparky, the horse is doing just fine.
Hey, how was that movie we sent ya? It wasn't Gilda? Ah, gee, it said so on the box.
Ecstasy with Hedy Lamarr? Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Sparky.
I hope you're not mad.
She what? Naked? With no clothes on? Through the woods? Well, when are you gonna send the film back? Well, when will you guys be finished watching it? - What do you mean next year? - [Horn Honking] Hey, listen, Colonel Potter's comin' in now.
L-I want that film back! [Horn Honking] - Hiya, Radar.
- Welcome home, Colonel Potter, sir.
How's Mrs.
Potter? - Bought herself a 10-speed bicycle.
- Gee, she's really swell.
Get my bags to my tent and unpack 'em right away.
I've got some damp shorts in there.
- Wouldn't want 'em mildewed.
- Don't want 'em to mildew.
- How's everything? - Oh, just fine, sir.
- How's the mare? - Clean as a whistle.
- Inside and out.
- Good! - Klinger.
- Present.
Radar didn't tell me you were in here.
- I'm not speaking to anybody.
- What the hell are you doing on my desk? Depressed.
110%% .
- This is it? Nonfunctioning? - The end of life's highway.
What a shame.
- Well, what can I do? I'll arrange a discharge.
- What was that, sir? Severe depression is a ticket home.
I'll be packed in an hour! I'm free! I'm free! Laverne, here I come! Romancin' and dancin'! ## [Singing] Just blew it, didn't I? - Yep.
- Now I'm really depressed.
Buck up, soldier.
I got the material for your dress.
- The blue or the red? - The red.
Hot damn.
- Klinger! - Sir.
Like to see you do that Top Hat number for the wounded.
- In the red dress? - You'll kill 'em.
You're right.
## [Singing] - Colonel, that man's a lunatic.
- Yeah, but light on his feet.
- What is it, Burns? I'm exhausted.
- Well, sir, while you were gone Pierce committed six major infractions of military regulations.
What were they? Number one In the Mess Tent yesterday, he made a face at me.
- He did? - Yes, sir.
He crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue.
Like this.
I don't have to hear the other five.
I'll take the appropriate action.
- Good.
Sir, what are you gonna do? - I'm going to sleep.
- Case dismissed.
- Yes, sir.
[Breathing Heavily] Hawkeye.
- Hawkeye.
- Huh? Hmm? Pulse is rapid, temperature's up.
I can't stand it anymore.
I'm ready.
Your tent or my father's Chevy? - [Sighs] My appendix.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, isn't it funny how they always seem to arrive at 3:00 in the morning? - Hey! - Hey! What? What? - Appendix.
- Never heard of him.
Come on.
Margaret's gotta have her appendix out.
- I need a gas passer.
- Okay, okay.
Send me in, coach.
- Oh, my God, it hurts.
- [Hawkeye] Okay.
Come on.
Oh! I'm sorry I had to wake you.
Forget it.
I've been asleep for 15 minutes.
- You ready, Beej? - Ready when you are.
Kellye, remember Dr.
Pierce prefers to work with curved blades.
- Yes, ma'am.
- And separate your large from your small needles.
Houlihan, don't kibitz.
You're the patient.
Funny how these things always happen in the wee hours of the morning.
- Why wasn't I called? - Mask! Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you! Burns, she asked for Pierce.
- I don't believe it! - Great deal of conflict here.
You said it, brother Uh, Father.
- She doesn't want you here.
- I'm not leaving till I hear it from her own lips.
Listen to these lips, Frank.
Get out! - She's delirious.
- Out! I hope you have a big scar! Can we get on with this? I gotta get up in an hour and go to work.
All right, Margaret, relax.
Take a deep breath.
- I'm supposed to say that.
- Shut up, Margaret.
Now let's have some fun.
It's important to get on your feet the second or third day.
Thanks for doing such a wonderful job.
I'll throw in a guarantee.
Every thousand miles, I'll probe your chassis.
The important thing after an experience like this, my dear, is to keep moving.
Attagirl.
You know, you could've wound up with a knot in your intestine.
- [Whinnys] - Did you say something?