M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e12 Episode Script

U815 - Exorcism

- [Pan Banging.]
- [Man Shouting In Korean.]
You tell Mr.
Yee to vamoose.
This is an army hospital, not Macy's.
- Colonel say Mr.
Yee gotta go.
- Nice translation, Radar.
Thank you, sir.
- How much for the lighter? - Ask him how much for the lighter? Uh, five dollar for lighter.
Four dollar if Mr.
Yee can stay for "going out of business sale.
" Make it three dollars and he can stay for another hour.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Come along, Radar.
What the hell is that? Oh, it's a spirit post, sir.
Locals put it here to drive away evil spirits.
Get it off the road.
It's blocking traffic.
- Me? - Yes, you.
You don't put any stock in any of those things, do you? Uh, no, l But, uh All right.
[Shouting In Korean.]
Help that man up there! I knew it.
I knew it! Oh, come on, Frank.
That stuff kills through the nose.
- Tough tiddlywinks.
- What is that poison? - Eau de swamp gas.
- Watch it! That was a gift from a friend.
If you're trying to get Margaret to notice you, this won't help.
- Your relationship already stinks.
- Give it to me, you twit! - [Bottle Smashes.]
- Now look what you did.
- You cracked my mirror in two.
- [Hawkeye.]
Now you have one for each face.
You're gonna have seven years of bad luck.
- Or two weeks in Korea, whichever's worse.
- [Helicopter Whirring.]
Sirs, the P.
System conked out.
There's lots of incoming wounded.
Thanks, Radar.
Frank, you're a stark raving birdbrain.
Don't insult me in front of enlisted men, and that's an order.
- Radar, would you mind? - Gladly, sir.
- Frank, you're a stark raving birdbrain.
- That's better.
- That is better.
- I like it a lot better.
- Frank, my finger's in the clamp! - Oh, is it? Sorry.
- Idiot! - Well, nobody's perfect.
That's what I thought till I met Donald Penobscott.
Donald Penobscott, Donald Penobscott! I'm sick and tired of hearing about him.
- [Light Squeaking.]
- It's about time you fixed that, wacko.
- I heard that.
- If I had my way, I'd boot you out of this man's army.
I like your thinking, sir.
Three bulbs in one day.
As if things aren't tough enough.
They say bad luck comes in threes, sir.
- Does that mean Frank Burns is a triplet? - Jam it in your Jell-O, Pierce.
- I'm getting dark blood.
What's his pressure? - 110 over 74.
Much too deep.
Well, it's the gauge.
It's stuck or broken.
How does a gauge break in the middle of an operation? Oxygen, quick! [Margaret.]
Somebody's wearing enough aftershave at 50 cents a bottle to put us all under.
Fifty cents? Is that all you spent? I haven't smelled anything like that since World War I.
A Parisian house of instant happiness which I smelled in passing, of course.
- Ow! - Give yourself a Purple Heart, Colonel.
And a purple finger.
We've met before, haven't we? You're Corporal - Marsh.
- Right.
Des Moines, Iowa.
I was hit in the same leg two months ago.
They have no respect for my work.
Doc, uh, how's it look? You're gonna be just fine, Corporal.
However, I don't think you're gonna wanna stay awake for this.
Hey, is that Father Mulcahy? - The one and only.
- Ah, Corporal Marsh.
Are you here again? Yeah, and without my Saint Christopher medal.
I must have lost it somewhere.
Well, I'll replace it, son.
Shall we? Knife.
- [Both Scream.]
- A thousand pardons, sir.
You did that on purpose! I'm confining you to quarters! I'm confining you to quarters too.
Give me all your nickels and dimes.
- Keep your petticoats out of my face.
- And you keep your eyes closed.
- Screwball.
- [Cursing In Foreign Language.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Was that a curse, Klinger? - Yes, sir.
It starts the day he goes home to his wife.
- Margaret, you squirted saline all over me! - I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
An accident, I'll bet.
My astrologist told me it was a bad year for war.
How do you explain it, Father? Bishop O'Hara at the seminary had a brilliant explanation for phenomena such as these.
He said, "That's the way the ball bounces.
" - The man should be canonized.
- Marsh here was canonized, twice in the same leg.
You all know what day this is? Friday the 13th.
She's right.
And - Nah, doesn't mean a thing.
- [Hawkeye.]
Don't say that, Frank.
I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend.
I was never more frightened.
- Did you see a ghost? - No.
Her husband materialized out of nowhere.
My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
- That's impossible.
- How come he sent her a bill? Somebody down here doesn't like us.
Some of the natives think it's evil spirits.
- The savages.
- Those savages were printing with movable type in 1403.
He's right.
I was in 1402, and the noise kept me awake all night.
The Koreans practice almost every religion known to man - including shamanism.
- [Frank.]
Shamanism? The belief that spirits inhabit trees and houses and people.
- Diddly poo.
- That's the spirit, Frank.
[Loud Crashing.]
- Jumpin' Jehosaphat! - We gotta be jinxed.
Now, let's stop the malarkey about evil spirits, bad luck and jinxes.
That stuff comes right off the stable floor.
From now on, nothing will go wrong.
Except the lights.
Hold it a second.
How's the leg, Marsh? Hey, great, Doc.
Hey, you seein' me off? Nope, I'm runnin' you out of town.
Don't you show your face around here again.
- I'll try my best.
- Your best and Father Mulcahy's medal should do it.
- I never got that medal.
- You didn't? He forget? No, they're shipping me out early.
He's in post-op.
Want me to get him? - Don't bother, sir.
It can wait till I'm stateside.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- All right.
Take it easy.
- Here's the lighter fluid for your lighter, Colonel.
- What it needs is lighter fluid.
- These things dry up, you know.
- It was full when you bought it.
Well, it's dry now.
And when are they fixing the P.
System? Probably not till tomorrow.
The electrician's resting over at Rosie's Bar.
- Resting? - He was fixing the wires, and it shot him through the wall.
- Shocking.
- [Chuckles.]
- May I, Colonel? - Always a pleasure to see you, Padre.
Sir, the Marsh boy left before I could replace his St.
Christopher medal.
- Is there any way I can get it to him? - Radar? There's another ambulance leaving for the 123rd at 1400 hours, sir.
The driver could personally deliver it in person.
- Voila.
- Radar, sometimes I think you deserve a medal.
No, thank you, Father.
I'm Protestant.
- About time, Klinger.
- I've been moving my tail, sir.
We've had a rash of mysterious blowouts.
- You got a rash? Use talcum.
- Spirits at work again? Weird things have been happening, Father.
- Igor hasn't drawn better than two pair in poker since Friday.
- Oh, my.
And I ripped four nylons in a week.
You're giving me goose bumps.
A stray bomb comes from out of nowhere.
Blows up a shipment of chipped beef.
- What do you call that? - A gift from heaven.
Me? I'm playin' it safe.
See this? This wards off evil spirits.
- A blue bead? - I'm not wearin' it 'cause it goes well with the organdy which it does like a dream.
- [Potter.]
That's crazy.
- I'm not taking any chances with the evil eye.
Is there any such thing? I came from a long line of short-nosed people.
One day my grandfather's camel spit in the eye of the village witch.
Ever since then, we've been growin' 'em like this.
Would you two please excuse me? I have a serious technical problem to wrestle with.
Yes, sir.
And thank you, sir.
- What are you doing, Radar? - I'm nailing up a horseshoe, sir.
I can see that.
Who asked you to? I won it from Igor in a poker game.
He says it come off of Man o' War.
That shoe came off Cousin Elmer's plow horse.
Take it down.
- Down, sir? - Yeah, down.
I never swallowed that bilge water about horseshoes and good luck.
And I'm not about to start.
On the other hand, it is an attractive ornament.
I kind of figured you'd kind of figure it that way, sir.
And, Radar, the end should point up, so the luck doesn't run out.
Stretcher bearers, on the double! Let's see what we got here.
All right.
He's not so bad.
This one can wait.
- This one can't.
He's in shock.
Give me a unit of whole blood! - Not Corporal Marsh again.
Corporal Flypaper.
I can't get him off my hands.
If only I'd gotten his medal to him in time.
- What happened? - The old man stepped in front of the ambulance.
- I cut to miss him, but hit him anyway.
Wound up in a ditch.
- Put him down.
- How is he? - He's gonna need surgery.
He's not gonna get it here.
This man's a whiplash hustler.
Frank, if he doesn't get help, he's gonna die before you can bat a whiplash.
- A whiplash hustler? - Korea's crawling with 'em.
Step in front of a U.
Army vehicle, fake an injury, then sue Uncle Sam for all he's got.
He's right.
Look at the fake blood.
He's a hustler.
She's an ambulance chaser.
I'm his granddaughter, Kyong Ja.
Tell the major it wasn't deliberate before he calls out a firing squad.
- But it was deliberate.
- Ha! It's true.
Some people pretend to have accidents, as the major says.
But others are like my grandfather.
They believe they are followed by evil spirits.
Oh, yes.
They step in front of moving vehicles to scare the spirits away.
They also hope the driver will understand and stop in time.
- Move him into pre-op.
- You're not touching him, Pierce.
Do you read me? Like a comic book.
Shall we? - [Korean.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Hey, hey.
Calm down.
He's afraid.
He wants to leave.
I'm a better surgeon than I look.
It's the spirits he fears, not you.
The only spirits around here are the ones we drink.
At his age, it's useless to reason with him.
He says, remove him.
If the evil spirits don't get him, he'll kill himself.
All right, let's get him out of here.
You know, if he doesn't get surgery, he's gonna die.
- I'm afraid it cannot be done.
Unless it's done his way.
- What's his way? The evil spirits must be exorcised from this place.
Well, exorcise is good for you.
We'll send 'em on a five-mile hike.
- You believe in spirits too? - I don't, but he does.
He insists on leaving and treating himself.
- With what, Chinese herbs? - They're his traditional medicine.
All he's gonna get out of Chinese herbs is a bad cup of tea.
- He'll die before he can read the leaves.
- Could you do as he wishes? - Exorcise the spirits? - Yes! I'll try anything once.
Acetyl, salicylic, phenobarb and arsphenamine.
- My God, it worked.
- [Chuckles.]
- Put a cork in that laugh, you little twerp.
- I will in a minute, sir.
- Now! - Right.
The exorcism would have to be performed by a priestess.
Once the spirits are gone, my grandfather will let you operate.
- We haven't got time for that.
- She's only a mile away.
- I can drive her, sir.
- You do that, Radar.
You do that, and I'll have your stripes! You look lousy in stripes, Frank.
Go ahead, Radar.
Just a minute.
Regulations do not allow for heathen rituals on government property.
Dangerous talk.
If the spirits heard you say that, they'd turn you into a pumpkin - or a dedicated doctor.
- Oh, bunko, junko.
- Run along, Radar.
- Permission to run along denied.
- Permission to deny denied.
- You can't do that.
I outrank you.
- I have half a mind to tell the colonel.
- I deny you have half a mind.
- Then I will see the colonel.
- I'll deny I said anything.
I'll deny I denied anything.
Beat it, Radar.
Pierce, you're the most unmilitary man in this man's army.
Thank you.
First, he brings in Korean civilians with unauthorized wounds.
Now he wants to drag in a pagan priestess to stir up the local spooks.
- Which I don't believe in.
- These local spooks don't spook you, do they? Certainly not.
It's poppycock.
But, uh, why incur the wrath of the man upstairs? Who, MacArthur? I do not intend to idly stand by and let Captain Pierce conduct his exorcism.
Okay, you can conduct.
I'll play violin.
He's joking about me and army rules and regulations, and it isn't funny! A comic is only as good as his material.
It's a little out of the ordinary.
I'd rather not operate on a hysterical patient.
All I wanna do is put the old man at ease.
- I didn't say no, Pierce.
- Not saying no, is that saying yes? Yes.
Not saying no is saying yes.
But what if general staff should drop in? What if they saw a priestess exorcising demons? If she knows her stuff, I may have her exorcise them off the compound.
- Sir, you're not taking this seriously.
- No, I'm not.
Why are you? Frank was once the innocent victim of possession.
Through some tragic error, they exorcised the nice guy and left that.
Sir, you can't go through with this! Can if I want to.
And it's not you I'll apologize to.
- It's the good father.
- Why me? It's not exactly what they told you to expect at chaplain school.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
- Not you, Father.
- Yes, me, Major.
Why, you spiritual thrill seeker, you.
Wondrous is man and mysterious the ways of God.
And I would have no one shield my eyes from the glory of His works.
- What does that mean? - It means there's more than one way to skin a spirit.
- Did it again.
- He's indestructible.
Not indestructible.
If the young weren't so damn good at surviving wars, maybe there wouldn't be any more.
He's stable.
No reason for you to be here, Doctor.
I'll hang around a while.
I wanna see his face when he sees me again.
- Hi.
- Captain Hunnicutt? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no.
This is getting monotonous, isn't it? When did I get hit? I don't remember.
We sent you home.
Your ambulance had an accident.
- Oh, I'm back here again? - Mm-hmm.
This is the third time.
One more, you win a solid gold jeep.
- Oh, geez.
- What? I'm never gonna get out of here.
Marsh, you have about as much chance of dying as you have of becoming president.
- Yeah, but three times.
- You can only serve twice.
- This is sure a lousy habit we got into.
- I'll tell you what.
After the war, you look me up.
For old times' sake, I'll take out your appendix.
- [Chuckles.]
- I'll see you later.
- [Chanting.]
- [Bells Jingling.]
- Hey, Radar.
- What? - What gives? - Oh.
Hawkeye says she's an exorcist.
She's chasing away demons.
- No kidding.
What's she doing here? - She's exorcising.
Getting all the unauthorized spirits out of the area.
I wonder if she could exorcise me back to Toledo.
I feel in better spirits already.
- I think my grandfather does too.
- When will his room be ready? She needs more time before it's safe to enter.
- What's the hold up? - That lady over there is trying to evict some spirits.
Doesn't have a ghost of a chance.
- Like to lend a hand, but I wouldn't know where to put it.
- Doesn't look like she needs one.
- Heard the overture.
Didn't wanna be late.
- You're early.
- The floor show doesn't start for five minutes.
- We wanted good seats.
- Would you like to order a drink? - Negative.
Five dollar minimum.
Why waste it? Colonel, Pierce's witch is out there attracting crowds and disrupting activity.
- [Potter.]
So? - Shouldn't somebody do something? - Yes.
Book her for the weekend and we'll sell tickets.
- [Chuckles.]
Colonel, do you know what's going on in pre-op? You ask the Sol Hurok of Korea? He helped arrange the whole thing.
- [Chanting.]
- [Bells Jingling.]
Hell's bells.
- [B.
I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.
- I'll have one too, on the rocks.
- Who invited you, Corporal Ignerts? - Be glad I'm here, sir.
This may be all that stands between you and having your chin drop off.
Don't you love what she's wearing? Nah.
Too pushy.
Well, Father, what's your critical opinion? Interesting.
Sort of a cross between a bishop and a bullfighter.
- [Hawkeye.]
You having a good time? - [Korean.]
He says he wants us all to come up to his place for beer and kimchi after the operation.
- [Korean.]
- Oh, his treat.
- Tallyho.
- If you like the dancer, you'll love the surgeon.
That heathen display was ridiculous.
Did absolutely no good at all.
[Man On P.
Attention, all personnel.
Hill 205 has been overrun.
Prepare for incoming casualties.
- I thought we lost the P.
- Oh, I forgot to say.
- The P.
System is now working again, for some reason.
- Thank you.
That boy's gonna be awful hard to live with after this.
- Margaret, that apparatus is defective.
- There's nothing wrong with it.
- [Hawkeye.]
I thought the gauge was stuck.
- It's not stuck now.
Hold me.
I'm scared.
There must be some logical explanation.
- If there is, you'll never find it.
- I don't follow you.
- Look at that.
- That? Why, that's nothing.
Probably never happen again.
In about a week, I'll drop in to see him.
- Meantime, make sure he eats and gets plenty of rest.
- Yes, Doctor.
If he's followed by spirits, tell him not to jump in front of a car unless it's parked.
- Here, Doctor.
A gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Just what I needed.
- Not for exorcism.
For decoration.
I'll use it to chase away the blues, or the olive drabs.
- Good-bye, Doctor, and thank you.
- Good-bye, Kyong Ja.
I don't care if the P.
Is in working order.
I want somebody to check it out, pronto.
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
- Radar, you better put the spirit post back where it was.
- Yes, Colonel.
Um, I already did.
- Well, this is it.
- You said that before.
- But this "this is it" is it.
- Yeah, I hope.
- Oh, Father.
- Yeah? Oh, yes.
May God and a smooth ride go with you.
- Thanks.
- Break a leg.
Thanks a lot! [Horn Honking.]
Christopher gets all the breaks.
What's the matter, Frank? This goldarned radio was working a minute ago.
- The evil spirits are back.
They hate radios.
- Try your bells on it, Hawk.
That's a lot of monkey doodle.
Oh, really? Would you like to make a little wager? Say five bucks? Oh, let's say ten, huh? You're on.
- [Jingling.]
- [Grunting.]
Excuse me, Major Burns.
Colonel Potter wants to see you in his office about the duty roster.
On my way.
Ten bucks, please.
Wait a minute.
Give me a chance, will ya? It takes a little longer with a cheap radio.
## [Radio.]
Ten bucks.
Lucky stiff.
That stuff really works, huh? It's easy.
You just gotta shake the bells a few times And, uh, put the plug back in.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode