M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e15 Episode Script

U821 - 38 Across

Okay, it's your turn.
Tell me a fantasy.
Picture, if you will a crisp winter afternoon.
You by a crackling fire in a smoking jacket.
What color? Red with blue satin lapels.
- Mmm.
- And a zipper down the back.
- What for? - You'll see.
There's a light tapping at the door.
"Who's there?" you say, checking your zipper.
You saunter to the door, straightening your ascot and casually slide back the bolt.
Come on! Who is it? - Lana Turner.
- Wearing? An angora sweater with a zipper down the back.
- What for? - You'll see.
Go on.
She throws her arms around you.
But you push her away! I push her away? For what? Your smoking jacket is covered with angora lint.
In a fit of pique, she leaves.
That's it? The end? - That's it.
- But what about the zippers down the back? - They didn't catch on.
- Oh, I don't believe it! I had Lana Turner in a fantasy with a sweater with a zipper down the back and I let her get away? - You always were short on zip.
- [Whines.]
Then the colonel said, "Whatever you do, don't tell Burns.
" - What? What? What? - Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
I promised.
Why don't you guys like me, huh? Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
- Aside from that.
- Well, there's your pimples.
My pores won't close! Aw, come on, guys.
I'll show you my present.
- Show us your present first.
- Okay.
You see? You roll the B.
's around and you try and get 'em in the holes.
Now tell me what the colonel said not to tell me.
He asked Father Mulcahy to pray for your pores.
Smart aleck! - [B.
Can't we play with your game? - No! Nobody makes fun of my skin and gets away with it.
Besides, it's from a former receptionist.
Good picture of her.
Nice B.
- No dibs on my game.
- Show you my ingrown toenail.
I looked at it while you were asleep.
Well, then you owe me! Oh, buzz off! Aha! Got one B.
- Belly button? - Uh-uh.
Right ear.
- Tilt! - ## [Whistles.]
Well, we managed to kill another five minutes of the war.
Wanna catch a rat and make it a pet? Nah.
It's not fair to the rat to keep it in a small furnished apartment.
- You kept a cockroach.
- It was paper-trained.
Hey, the Times.
Listen to this.
"Senator Joseph McCarthy claims Communists have infiltrated the military.
" I knew it.
Every time they mention those pinkos, I see red.
Relax, Comrade.
- Aaah! Oh, ho-ho! Bingo! - What? What? What? - We struck oil and gold! - What is it? - The Times crossword puzzle.
- Oh, fantastic! Okay.
One down.
Four letters.
"Young fellow.
" - Uh, "chap.
" - Right.
One across.
"Member of the company.
" - Four letters.
Starts with a "C.
" - Uh - "Cast.
" - Good.
It's kid stuff.
Ha-ha! Got a B.
Right in her eyeball.
Six-letter word.
"Burrowing animal.
" - [Hawkeye.]
"Frank Burns.
" - Too many letters.
But close.
Let's see.
A burrowing animal.
A Hepler! - A what? - Louis Hepler.
Kid I went to high school with.
Got expelled for burrowing into the girls' washroom.
- Only guy I ever knew who got flushed out of high school.
- I don't think that's it.
- "Ferret"! - I wonder how he thought of that.
Probably looked in the mirror.
- The third letter is a "P.
" - How about "gopher"? Bingo! Uh, I'm sorry.
Give us another one.
Six letters, begins with "G," and means scandalmonger.
- "Gossip.
" - Give that lady 14 inches of perforated intestine.
- What would I do with that? - Make a clarinet.
- [Laughs.]
- Margaret, uh, trim that rough edge there.
- I don't wanna leave a bad scar.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Why be so careful with a Chinese prisoner of war? - Frank, he's a human being.
They line our wounded up against a wall and hang them! But, Major Burns, there is the Christian ethic.
I know that! I won a white Bible at my church for organ playing.
So lay off! [Potter.]
Never yell at a priest, Burns.
It's a sure ticket to hell.
More suction.
It's a waste of time, saving these slant eyes.
They're also collateral.
I'm trying to arrange a swap of their prisoners for our prisoners.
Okay, finished.
Can I help anybody? - I'm fine.
Got this bowel by the tail.
- B.
? - Done and done.
- Frank? So you can take all the credit, I suppose, huh? [Chuckles.]
I'm a perfectly competent doctor and capable of handling my own cases.
Just asking.
- We're losing him, Doctor.
- Pierce! Help! [Giggling.]
What are you cackling at, Major Burns? Nothing.
Just a game to test your manual dexterity.
It's excellent for surgeons.
How childish! - That's pornographic.
- What is? That girl.
She's practically nude.
There's nothing wrong with the human body, Margaret.
And there's certainly nothing wrong with hers.
Oh, you have no idea how silly you look drooling over that disgusting toy.
Well, a man has to have something.
I'm very lonely, Margaret.
You deserve to be.
Look at that skimpy outfit she's wearing.
- I could buy you one like it.
- How would you like that game jammed in your ear? Oh, don't make me nervous, Margaret.
I'll shake my B.
's loose.
It's too late, Frank.
All my life I've never been able to finish a Times crossword puzzle.
- One more word is all we need.
- Shoot.
Thirty-eight across.
Five letters.
Begins with a "V.
" "Means a Yiddish bedbug.
" Let's see.
Yiddish, Jewish, Hebrew God knows I've read my Bible.
- Did Moses speak Yiddish? - Only when he was playing pinochle.
- Oh, Father.
- Yes, Hawk? You know the term in Yiddish for bedbug? In the Bible, there are hosts of locusts, plagues of vermin, and hordes of scorpions.
Boy, a lot of bedbugs in those days.
Five letters.
Starts with a "V.
" Why don't you ask Corporal Shapiro? He's sitting right over there.
- Oh, thanks, Padre.
- Mazel tov.
- Uh, Shapiro.
- [Southern Accent.]
Oh, hi, y'all, Doc.
You know the Yiddish word for bedbug? Sorry, Captain.
We been seven generations in Georgia just raisin' cotton.
And old times there are soon forgotten.
Mazel tov.
- How's that, Captain? - Forget it.
Maybe that's it.
- [With Southern Accent.]
- What did Shapiro say? He can't get the cotton out of his mouth.
Thank you, dear Lord, for giving us this bounty during trying times.
So that's what this is roast bounty.
Does that help? With a touch of ketchup.
- Thank God for ketchup.
- He just did.
I had a friend in college used to make tomato soup out of ketchup and hot water.
That's it! Tippy Brooks is the answer.
- What's the question? - The puzzle.
He's a crossword freak.
He does the double crostic in ink.
- Oh, your friend the doctor on the Essex.
- Right! - The Essex is in Pusan Harbor.
- [Hawkeye.]
I know! - Radar, let's get on the horn.
- I haven't checked my bread for maggots.
- Tell 'em you'll be right back.
- Come on.
I've got a guy in Seoul contacting the Essex.
He's a radioman first class.
- [Hawkeye.]
That's nice for his mother.
- I only know him by voice.
Stevens? Yeah, yeah! I can hardly hear ya.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
His oatmeal cookie caught fire in the ashtray.
- Gracious living.
- Did you put it out? Oh, he lost his cookie, but he saved his raisins.
How come we don't get raisins? I saw some the other day, but they flew away.
That's right.
Lieutenant Brooks.
He's a doctor on the Essex.
Uh-huh? Stevens? Stevens, I can hardly hear y Oh, boy! He's fading.
Hawkeye put your right hand on the wastebasket and hold your left hand out.
- Will this blow out the lightbulb in my navel? - Uh-uh.
, you hold his hand and hold your left hand straight up.
- You've got sweaty palms.
- I'm new in radio.
Stevens? Right.
Okay, hold on.
Uh, Doctor Brooks is in surgery.
Tell him Hawkeye Pierce, MASH 4077, called.
- And needs his help desperately.
- Right.
Uh, Dr.
Hawkeye Pierce, MASH 4077, needs his help real bad.
- Thanks, kid.
- What? What? I can't hear ya.
My aerials walked out on me.
Ah! Whew.
[Metal Clanking.]
[Metal Clanking.]
Hi, Klinger.
How's it goin'? - I'm eating a jeep.
- Good.
- Colonel? - Radar, no interoffice running.
- Yes, sir.
- Good news.
The Chinese have agreed to a prisoner exchange.
Sir, we got big problems.
Hawkeye locked Burns in the nurses' latrine? - No, sir.
That was last Friday.
- Time flies.
- Yes.
It's Klinger.
- Rats in his blue wig? - No, sir.
He's outside having a picnic.
- Annoying but tolerable.
He's eating a jeep.
- I beg your pardon? - He's eating a jeep.
- Which one? - The one with the squeaky seats.
Finally came up with something fresh.
How do you see through those filthy glasses? I know where everything is.
There he is, sir.
"A" for effort, Klinger.
But it won't work.
Watch this.
Oh, wow! Right down.
Dip it in a little 30-weight motor oil, pop it in and let it slide down the gullet like a bluepoint oyster.
Colonel, he's crazy! See! I got a witness! You gotta give me a Section Eight and send me home.
- No dice.
- If you don't throw me out for being a nut you're nuttier than I am! - Sir.
- Sir, he just ate a piece of iron.
- That, too, shall pass.
- Okay.
The second course.
How about that? That dumb wiper never worked anyway.
Cute idea, Klinger.
Now cancel the picnic.
You don't believe I'm gonna eat this jeep, do you, sir? Let's say I find it hard to swallow.
Stick around, Colonel, and watch it disappear.
If you want to ruin your stomach, eat in the Mess Tent.
I need this jeep for the prisoner exchange.
Just once I'd like to sit down to a meal and not be interrupted by business.
- Gee, you think he's gonna be all right? - Oh, he'll be fine.
We may have to slap him on the rack and give him a lube job.
- But he was eating nuts.
- Squirrels do it all the time.
Won't that hurt him, all that oil and metal? He may slide out of bed tonight and end up pointing at the North Pole.
- You mean like a magnet? - If he gets real bad we'll stick him to the side of a boxcar and send him down to Seoul.
Oh, you better tell the boys playing horseshoes to hold up when Klinger walks by.
Soldier, your repairs are over.
We're trading you in on a domestic model.
- Should we turn back his speedometer? - Against the Geneva Convention.
- You - Uh-huh.
- Head.
- Little tight around the crotch? Soo Ling say, "Thank you.
" - Captain Hawkeye Pierce say, "You're welcome.
" - [Klinger Moaning.]
- Klinger, what is it? - Something I ate.
I told you the food here should not be taken internally.
I had a couple of bolts, a horn button part of a windshield wiper and a condenser.
- Well-balanced meal.
- But crazy.
- Not crazy enough.
- I get it.
Baker! X-ray the Lebanese for hardware.
He's in for a tune-up.
And try not to rattle when you walk.
Sir, this message just come in for you.
It's from your friend Lieutenant Brooks.
He's on his way.
- On his way? - Yeah.
He's coming here.
- He heard about the emergency.
He's bringing an admiral.
- An admiral? - Radar, there's no emergency.
- There isn't? - No.
- No.
We were working on a crossword puzzle.
- We needed a word.
Don't you remember? - Ooh, that's right.
But, hey, Lieutenant Brooks is coming here, and so's the admiral.
Boy, you guys are in a lot of trouble.
- Sirs? - Where can I find Dr.
Pierce, Corporal? Uh, that tent right over there, sir smells like dirty socks.
That jeep was a kidney buster.
Soldier, the head? Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- Latrine.
- Oh, it's right over there.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
Third hole pinches! - Medicine's come a long way, Beej.
- Mmm.
There was a time when proctologists used candles.
O-O-Oh, that smarts! - Tippy! - Hawk.
What a hell of a trip we had.
We left the carrier this morning.
The chopper was forced down at, uh, Taejon.
Then we got a cattle train to Ansong.
Tracks were shelled.
Then we had to walk for 10 miles till a jeep picked us up.
But we made it.
Well, what's the emergency? Tippy, this is B.
Uh, B.
, Tippy Brooks.
- Hi.
- How ya doin'? - We made it.
- Terrific.
- What's the emergency, huh? - Uh, you tell him.
He's your friend.
Tippy, I really didn't think you'd come all the way out here.
L-I just needed a five-letter Yiddish word for bedbug.
- What? - I'm sorry.
You're sorry? What am I gonna tell Admiral Cox? Oh, he'll hang me from the highest, uh Um, whatchamacallit Uh, seven letters.
Starts with "Y.
" - "Yardarm.
" - Th-Thanks.
Look, sit down.
I know you're in a big jam, but first things first.
Do you know the word? Bedbug? - Bedbug.
- Five letters.
- Five letters.
- [B.
- Hawkeye, will you stop? - I thought as long as you were here.
Look, we really figured you'd call back.
You guys have really got me up the creek! The admiral thinks we're here for a medical emergency.
- What'll I tell him? - I could hold my breath.
- We could say it's a case of blue face.
- You'd die.
Right now, a far, far better thing than me being busted to J.
? They'll bust you to John Garfield? You sure surprised me when you walked in there, Admiral.
Caught me with my guard down.
The call of nature beckons to everybody.
Both army and navy.
- And the marines.
- I'm not too sure about them.
- Coffee? - Oh, fine.
- Cox.
Is that with an "X"? - Yes.
That story you told me about gettin' here is a real rouser.
It's a wonder you weren't killed.
Not that I'm not glad to see ya, but I can't help wondering why you're here.
I was visiting the Essex when your emergency call came in.
I've always believed that - one branch has to come to the aid of the other.
- Uh, right.
Now, Admiral, just go in the Mess Tent here.
Order anything you want.
- I wanna check on this emergency.
- Good.
I haven't had a bite since I left the carrier.
- Specialty tonight was Egyptian sauerkraut.
- Egyptian? - Part of their U.
- Oh, I see.
We sent back the camels.
- It's all a misunderstanding.
- Getting an admiral here for a crossword puzzle? - You guys are one for the book.
- I'm sorry.
- He's sorry.
- You were sorry when you gave Major Burns a chocolate-coated lizard.
- It was Easter.
- Now you've put your buddy's butt in a sling? What are we gonna tell the admiral? We gotta think of something legitimate.
He's no dummy.
He can see through a bulkhead.
Maybe we could run him through post-op, see what turns up there.
He's bound to find problems he's never seen on a nice, clean ship.
Filth, do your stuff.
- Hey, don't worry about it.
- We're in trouble all the time.
- Say good-bye, Dr.
- So long, Soo Ling.
- Prisoner exchange.
- Thirty of theirs for 40 of ours.
- It's a sale.
- Did you bring us here just to show us that? - Uh, no, no, Admiral.
- Of course not.
Here's a difficult case.
Uh, Pierce? Thank you, Colonel.
Following routine extraction of shrapnel from the leg this patient displayed unusual dehydration.
An insatiable need for liquids.
- Like a drink, soldier? - No, thank you.
I'm not thirsty.
- I can't thank you enough, Admiral.
- It's a miracle.
- Can we get on with this? - Yeah, let's get on with this.
- Okay, let's get on with this.
- Admiral, this is Corporal Klinger.
- What is it, soldier? - [Mutters.]
Huh? - Klinger! - Sorry.
I usually don't kiss on the first date.
- What kind of a place are you running here? - This case is very unusual.
- This case has a screw loose.
- Close.
Baker, get us Klinger's X ray.
Admiral, if you can't send me home, can I transfer to the navy? Look at that sonar.
He could smell a sub at 30 fathoms.
Nuts, bolts, knobs? This guy's full of machinery.
- He was trying to eat a jeep.
- Eat a jeep? He shouldn't even be in the service! - I love you! - Aah! Only take me a minute to pack my makeup kit and rollers.
Stop it! You've got no emergency here, Potter.
We have wasted valuable time! Now I am gonna see there's an investigation! Come on, Brooks.
Let's get out of this loony bin.
There's been a terrible accident! Civilians! They're all burned! [Potter.]
Crank up the O.
Generator! We'll need plenty of plasma.
- Oh, watch out.
Kellye! - Careful now.
Get 'em inside.
We have to bring them in pre-op and treat 'em in O.
Father Mulcahy! Easy.
Get her into pre-op.
Move it.
- [Moaning.]
- Father, straight into O.
- Napalm? - No, sir.
- All right, get him into O.
- Let's go.
- Easy.
Go easy now.
- What a mess! - There's caps and masks in the scrub room, Tippy.
- Right.
- We've got a baby here! - [Klinger.]
Okay, I'll help.
- Okay.
- Easy.
Easy now.
- You got her? - Yep.
- You a corpsman? - The best in the business, dad.
An army fuel truck turned over in a ditch.
- The Koreans were soaking up the gasoline with rags.
- What for? - To use in their lamps.
- Wonderful.
You know what happened? When it got dark they couldn't see what they were doing.
- Some guy lit a match.
- And a few of his friends.
More plasma.
- You got enough morphine? - We'll get by.
Got one who can't breathe.
Smoke inhalation.
- Bad enough for a tracheotomy? - Yep.
- You want help? - I got it.
I can't fix your arm until you give me the kid.
I insist you give me the kid! - [Speaking Korean.]
- Well, if you can't speak English why don't you go back where you came from? - Major Burns, let me help.
- It's-It's a waste of time, Father! [Korean.]
- They're heathen.
- We're all God's children.
- Oh, really? - It's just that some of us are more childish than others.
- Margaret, 500 of Ringer's lactate.
- Yes, Doctor.
Klinger, post-op.
- [Potter.]
- Sir? Your nose slipped out of its bra.
- Sorry, ladies.
- Give ya a hand, Colonel? - Pierce? - Yes, Admiral? I've debrided the burn and applied the dressing.
Anything more I can do? Not a thing.
Unless you want to sign up for a year.
No, thanks.
You guys work too hard.
Seven hours in surgery.
And atop of Egyptian sauerkraut.
Is that coffee? Powdered milk, but she won't take it.
That kid wasn't born yesterday.
- [Woman On Radio.]
This is Seoul City Sue.
- Time for the commercial.
I have a special message for the members of MASH 4077.
- [Cheering.]
- We're on the radio.
One of the prisoners you returned has had head surgery for the purpose of inhuman experiments.
We brand Dr.
Hawkeye Pierce a war criminal.
- A war criminal? - All I did was stitch up that guy's scalp.
Was I supposed to let him bleed to death? - Turn the other cheek, Hawkeye.
- Both cheeks are already sore.
That dame lies as much as my sister-in-law, Bertha.
You know, that really roasts my butt.
Why don't we put out some propaganda of our own? - [Brooks.]
Like what, Admiral? - Like those burn victims.
Why don't we say they were firebombed by the enemy because they cooperated with us? - Why should we say that? - Because it's a very effective weapon, Pierce.
Every time they put out something, we should put out something worse.
They lie and then we lie.
Where does it end? Oh, maybe you're right.
But it still steams me.
It steams me too, but it's gotta stop somewhere.
She simply won't take powdered milk.
She needs fresh.
I wish we had a goat.
Let me try, Father.
Can I see you for a little bit? Let me see you for a little bit, huh? Get a little of this stuff.
[Imitating Goat Bleating.]
You want the cup? [Bleating.]
She's taking the milk.
Now that's propaganda.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for the way you two pitched in.
- Uh, glad we could help.
- Can he drive all right? Sure.
That's his driving hat.
One more thing.
Pierce, you obviously didn't need us when you called.
Why did you get us up here? Well, I'm sorry, Admiral.
It was a misunderstanding.
We needed help with a crossword puzzle.
A crossword puzzle? We were stuck.
A five-letter Yiddish word for bedbug.
I don't believe it.
You dragged us all the way up here just to get the word "vontz"? Vontz! - Vontz! - Beej, it's vontz! Good luck, Admiral.
Now look, we've got plenty of time.
There's no need to speed.
Aye, aye, sir.
And, Klinger, no kissing! [Laughing.]
I got 14 B.
's in the holes.
Now only one more to go.
- Want some help with that? - I can manage by myself, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You're spending a lot of time and energy on that fool thing.
Well, I've almost Ahh Aha! I got it! Last one right in her nose.
All 15! - Look! Look! - Very nice, Frank.
- [B.
's Rolling.]
- Ohh! - What happened? - Well, I had it, and you jiggled it.
- I did? - You did it on purpose.
Every time I do something special, you spoil it.
So do it again.
Do it again, he says.
Hmph! Three days.
Three days.

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