M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e16 Episode Script

U817 - Ping Pong

All right.
Let's go, Cho! - Look at the spin Cho puts on that ball.
- Kill him, Cho.
Kill him.
Colonel Potter, please.
A little dignity.
Dignity, hell.
I got three bucks on this.
[All Gasping.]
- [Man.]
Wow! - [All Cheering.]
[Whistle Blows.]
Final set.
Match point.
Cho leads 20-17.
- [Hawkeye.]
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- [Woman.]
Come on.
- [Hawkeye.]
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- Let's go, Cho! I haven't seen a backhand like that since I tried an exploratory on Nurse Baker.
- [Whistle Blows.]
- [Crowd Groans.]
Match point.
Beauty, Cho.
[Loud Cheering.]
Yeah! We won! Frank, we won! - Aw, fudge! - Frank, you bet against us.
Well, I got three-to-one odds.
Take it easy.
You'll all get your money.
We're in the champ's dressing room.
Congratulations, Cho.
You came through for us.
I did it for the 4077 th, Colonel Potter, and apple pie.
- Say a few words to the folks at home.
- Hello, folks at home.
- I did it for you too.
- Thanks.
Why don't you take a shower? - I'd rather have cash.
- Speaking of cash, I must see my bookie.
Okay, Igor, let me have my money.
I must have paid out too much.
- Wait a minute.
I'm a winner.
- You're lucky.
A lot of guys lost.
[Man On P.
Attention all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
All available surgeons to operating room.
- [B.
Ping-Pong poopers! - They heard we were having fun, so they attacked.
This war is just one big joke to you, isn't it, Dr.
Wisenheimer? Right, Frank.
I'm laughing all the way to the blood bank.
Why don't you look where you're going? I wasn't moving, Major.
You ran into me.
Then why don't you look where I'm going? These Occident-prone accidentals.
They can't do anything right.
He didn't look too clumsy when he was winning the championship.
If you ask me, the other guy threw the match.
- They stick together, you know.
- Like North and South Korea.
- You bet against us, huh, Frank? - At Pearl Harbor, he took the Japanese and six points.
- Well, he got three-to-one.
- It's guys like you that ruin a man's reputation.
We're only doing what you'd do, Frank, if you had time.
Business has really been brisk today.
Word of mouth.
You do good work, one wounded man tells another.
Giving away free ammunition hasn't hurt business either.
Casualties were greater than Headquarters anticipated.
Beats me how the experts can tell how many wounded we're gonna get.
If they're so smart, why don't they find a way to put a stop to this nonsense? [Man.]
I can hear every word you're sayin', Doc.
That's because the fragment is in your rear instead of your ear.
- The anesthetic isn't working.
- [B.
Relax, soldier.
We haven't given it to you yet.
I'm Lieutenant Colonel Harold Becket, damn it.
Don't blame me.
I didn't name ya.
It's kind of hard to tell an officer from an enlisted man at this angle.
Did you see all those wounded? They're my boys.
- I bet your wife wanted a girl.
- [Potter.]
Becket? Is that you? - I know that voice.
- [Potter.]
Harold Becket.
Sherman Po you old army mule.
- Takes one to know one.
- What are you doing here? [Hawkeye.]
He's with a group of underprivileged soldiers that got sent to camp for the summer.
I never expected to see your ugly face again.
Just like the old days, Harold.
You put your best foot forward and they shoot you where you think.
- What does it look like, Doctor? - Looks like any other butt.
- Nothing serious.
- Don't worry.
We'll have this in a sling in no time.
Have 'em take good care of me, Sherm.
These boys know what they're doin'.
We specialize in officers' butts.
- They're trained in brain surgery.
- Oh, God help me.
That's what I'm here for.
Okay, fill 'er up, angel.
- What'll we drink to? - It's now 4:00.
Why don't we drink to 5:00? - We drank to 5:00 yesterday.
Let's drink to 6:00.
- Ah.
You know, this is a particularly good brew.
What's the secret? I used a pair of 1949 sweat socks with matching garters.
- No wonder.
This vintage has legs.
- [Knocking On Door.]
- Cho! - Hey! Come in, champ.
Captains, I am pleased to introduce to you my friend Soony.
- How do you do, Soony? - Hello, Soony.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Excuse the mess.
Our houseboy was drafted two years ago.
Nice Swamp.
We were going to redecorate, but why put money into a place when you're just renting? You got mess? Soony will clean for you.
- [Speaking Korean.]
- Ohh! - Yes.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Soony's a good housekeeper.
She'll make this place like a new Swamp.
No, please.
Don't disturb the dust.
It's right where we like it.
- I don't know how this got in here.
- Okay.
- Don't clean.
It makes me nervous.
- Okay.
Soony's looking for a job.
- Maybe we can help her find something.
- Sure.
Soony can clean anything.
You know, spick-and-span.
- How much English do you speak, Soony? - Some of it.
- That much.
- [Knocks On Post.]
And I have an announcement to make.
We're getting married.
Hey! Mixed doubles! Congratulations, champ.
Congratulations, Soony.
- You're welcome.
- And you're both invited to the wedding.
- Thank you.
- Terrific.
Where's it gonna be? I don't know yet.
Soony's village is flat as a pancake from artillery.
She's an orphan.
Maybe you could get married here.
Would you like that? [Korean.]
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
You made Soony and me very happy.
- When do you want the wedding? - As soon as I get enough money for the ring.
- [Hawkeye.]
How much do you need for that? - I have 60 American dollars.
- I need 40 more.
- What do you say, Beej? Twenty dollars will get you a seat on the bride's side.
No Soony said than done.
I always like looking on the bride side.
My Uncle Lew in Seoul sells jewelry wholesale also a little retail.
He has a gold ring with a big diamond for a hundred dollars.
Careful your Uncle Lew doesn't do to you what our Uncle Sam is doing to us.
Oh, no.
Uncle Lew is one honest john.
You can pay us back whenever you get it.
I'll pay you back.
I'll pay you back right away.
Good-bye, Captain Hawkeye, Captain B.
- Good-bye.
- Bye-bye, Soony.
- You're welcome! - [Both.]
Thank you.
- Step on a feather, Frank? - You're a great judge of character, Pierce.
- I always knew you didn't have any.
- Lending money to an Oriental.
- You can say sayonara to your moola.
- He'll pay us back.
I wouldn't lend him a dime unless he was able to put up some collateral.
Frank, whatever collateral he had we blew up last week.
You won't see him again.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Somebody's been using my broom.
Oh, yeah.
There was that little girl who was in here with the long blond curls.
- Ate your porridge.
- Sat on your chair.
Said your bed was just right.
Well, tell her to knock it off.
- Major Burns, sir? - Don't ever sneak up on me like that, twerp! - Especially when you're with one of them.
- She's one of us.
- She may be one of you, but she's not one of me.
- Miss Soony wants a job.
- She's very good at sweeping floors and washing dishes.
- There's a war going on.
We can't hire anyone without running a security check.
- But she's on our side.
- Everyone has to be cleared.
Even General MacArthur's pipe stuffer has to be checked out.
- She doesn't want to stuff his pipe.
- Corporal, be quiet.
Let me interrogate the job applicant.
Sit down, please.
Sit, please.
Are you now, or have you ever been a member of a Communist dishwashing organization? Uh, sir, I don't think she understands that question.
Well, what about you? My mother used to wash the dishes, but sometimes I dried.
Oh, cockypop! How long have you lived in Korea? Born Korea.
- I think that means all her life.
- Have you made any recent trips to Russia Red China, or Albania? She doesn't have enough money to get to Seoul.
That's why she wants a job.
Put a cork in it, half-pint! Unless there's a call for Philip Morris.
Would you be willing to defend this land in the event of an enemy attack? Sir, the enemy already attacked.
Stop being a buttinsky! [Burns.]
Why is she smiling? - I think she likes you, sir.
- She does? [Chuckles.]
Now none of those inscrutable tricks.
Have you any references from previous employers? Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Yes, sir.
She has these papers and references from people she worked for.
- Uh-huh.
Took care of General Horton's children? - That's right, sir.
Have you any papers to prove that these are your papers? - Why would she need papers to prove - Stay out of this, runt! I'm gonna have to do some checking.
In the meantime, no funny stuff.
Don't try to leave the country, and, uh get out of my chair.
Hiya, Harold.
Don't get up.
Hi, Sherm.
I thought you'd forgotten your old buddy.
I was giving my horse a mambo lesson.
Still got a great sense of humor, you rascal.
Keeps me from playing with my toes.
How's your back pocket feel? Oh, it's cooling off.
Say, uh, if any of the boys want something special, just put it on my check.
Well, if they order an extra pint of blood during the happy hour, it's on the house.
Sherm, how many years has it been? Oh, must be 30 at least.
Remember Camp Grant? Those two gals we picked up in Chicago? What a wild weekend that was.
As I recall, mine was the cutie.
Yours looked like Man o' War.
Hey, wait a minute.
I think I married that girl.
Oh, that's right.
Mine looked like Man o' War.
Oh, don't feel bad, Sherm.
It didn't last.
She was okay for six furlongs, but she couldn't go the distance.
The last I heard, you were quartered back in Washington.
Yeah, buying commodities for the troops.
- Vegetables, fruit, meat.
- Oh, so you're the guy.
Oh, I ordered the best.
Choicest cuts of beef.
Somebody didn't get your order.
I had a hamburger last night that whinnied.
It's not my fault.
Everything's overcooked.
Even the milk.
Oh, don't make me laugh, please.
My butt'll fall off.
What's an old desk jockey like you doing out here? Well I need 30 days on the line for my Combat Infantry Badge.
Why risk your life for that? With that in my record, the boys in Washington can move me up.
I can retire a full colonel.
How long do you figure I'll be here, Sherm? I need five more days up there.
If the food doesn't kill ya, you and your busted butt will be out of here in less than a week.
There you go.
- Why don't we go over to your place and, uh - Some other time.
- Why don't we go over to my place and pretend we're at your place? - Some other time.
We can some other time some other time.
Why don't we some other time it right now? Too tired.
I'm gonna rinse out some things I may not even take off.
You wash, I'll dry.
- Some other time.
- Some other time.
Soony? - What's the matter, Soony? - Cho not come back.
Oh, he probably just stayed to buy a wedding present.
Cho will be back.
Two days.
Not come back.
Well, it looks like your Marshall Plan backfired.
Your little friend ran off with your 40 smackers and left you with egg foo yung on your face.
Don't listen to him.
Cho will be back.
Never come back.
I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.
Frank, you will never be known as the Ugly American.
You're overqualified.
- [Radar.]
Hawkeye? - He's first.
Prep him.
- Hey, it's the champ in a Korean uniform.
- How bad is he? He won't be playing Ping-Pong for a while.
What happened, Cho? Big mix-up in Seoul.
Soony all right? - She'll be fine now.
- Radar, find Soony and tell her that Cho is back.
- Tell her to save some rice for her wedding.
- Oh, boy! - Can you get the other end? - Yeah.
I was walking down the street in Seoul.
Two Korean M.
S grabbed me and threw me in a truck said, "You drafted.
" - Shanghaied in Seoul.
- Makes you wonder who the enemy is.
- One hour of basic training and they sent me to the front.
- One hour and he's G.
- Very punny.
- I bought a nice ring for Soony.
Where's the ring? It's okay.
I put all your possessions in this ditty bag.
- Hey.
- Hey, that's a beauty, Cho.
She'll love that.
Major Houlihan, you want to see Soony's engagement ring? Ohh.
That's very nice.
Of course I would never wear anything that big.
Not with a boyfriend as chintzy as yours.
Donald isn't cheap.
He's conservative.
He's conserving every penny he's got.
This ring is priceless.
Why don't you put it in a safe-deposit thimble? - Soony will love that ring, Cho.
- Thank you.
I see the con man's back.
- What's he doing in a Korean uniform? - Getting shot at, Frank.
- You ought to try it sometime.
- I think we ought to run a check.
Check, check, check! You'd run a check on your own mother.
Well, if she was an Oriental Ping-Pong player, you bet I would.
Why don't you check yourself into a closet? Why hasn't he been moved out to the 121 st evac? Because he's in guarded condition, Frank.
- That's doctor talk.
- Yeah, and you Eastern liberals are his guards.
He should be moved out.
We could use his bed for one of our own.
Frank, everyone who's sick has a bed, except you.
Look who's talking, tubercular head.
Now that's doctor talk.
- Pierce, you know what this is? - Another paternity suit? - Close.
- A paternity hat? It's a declaration of war.
A list of grievances against you signed by Major Burns.
I plead guilty, and I'd like to throw myself on the mercy of Nurse Able.
We all know when the good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got in line twice.
Three times.
Thank you.
The third time to deny he'd ever been in line.
Burns is threatening to call General Harrelson.
Now why hasn't Cho been sent back down to the 121 st hospital like the rest of the post-ops? - Uh - Colonel, we took a piece of shrapnel out of his shoulder and, uh, complications have set in.
- What complications? - He wants to get married.
Doctors, in 16 months, three weeks and four days I expect to be standing on my patio back in Nebraska, barbecuing.
Why are you wetting on my charcoal? Aw, come on, Colonel.
You know how sentimental you are about weddings.
Yes, when they're in my own family.
At the wedding tomorrow, you're giving away the bride.
I am? Well, why didn't you tell me? - I just thought of it.
- Radar.
- Have the colonel's dress uniform pressed right away.
- Have my dress uniform Okay.
So I'm the father of the bride.
Ah, I wish Mother was here.
She loves to cry.
This is Sergeant Blanchard.
Tell Captain Pierce what you told me.
- Are you sure he's okay? - He's not okay, but you can trust him.
All right.
All right.
They can court-martial me if they want but if it wasn't for that stupid Colonel Becket, I wouldn't be here now.
And most of the rest of these guys wouldn't be here either.
- What are you talking about? - Becket's incompetent.
He nearly got us all killed.
How could they send an office boy up to lead combat troops? - What did he do? - He choked.
When the enemy hit us with the big stuff, the colonel panicked.
He He didn't react when the orders came up to withdraw.
Can you believe that? - Why would they give him a command? - As a birthday present.
Th-That's close.
His pals gave it to him.
He needs five more days to, uh, get his Infantry Badge.
Then they promote him, and he retires a full colonel.
And a lot of kids retire permanently.
Becket stood there, screaming orders out of an army manual.
The men were laughing at him.
Well, none of'em are laughing now.
- Is Potter asleep now? - Yeah.
We'll hit him with this tomorrow.
Either way, it's gonna be a rude awakening.
- Another ringer.
- I don't understand how you do it, Klinger.
- I learned to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
- What's that got to do with it? We didn't throw 'em for fun.
We threw 'em in self-defense.
Another game, sir? Nope.
Don't want to be beaten five times in a row by somebody in a skirt.
- Colonel, we'd like a word.
- Take any word you want.
It's yours.
- How about "stupidity?" - I like "criminal stupidity" better.
- What are you two talking about? - We're talking about Colonel Harold Becket.
Hang on to that horseshoe.
You might want to wrap it around his neck.
The way I've been playing, I'd probably miss.
I gather you don't like him.
- You gather correctly.
- He's an old friend of mine.
He'd have to be an old friend.
He can't make any new ones.
Ma'am, I gotta feed my guinea pig.
Are you finished? No, and for heaven's sake, stand still.
Why do I have to do this? Why don't you get Klinger? He's good at it.
Because you're the bride's size.
Don't move! Oh, I think I hate this.
Back home this kind of thing doesn't go over too big.
You never looked better.
We had this guy back home who used to wear dresses just like Klinger - only he wasn't in the army, if you know what I mean.
- To each his own.
One day this guy Boris is walking down the street with a cotton dress carrying an umbrella, and my Uncle Ed walks up to him and calls him a sissy.
- Then pow! He punches him right in the nose and flattens him.
- Your Uncle Ed punched Boris? No, Boris flattened my Uncle Ed.
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
- Come on, guys.
- He hates it when you call him "honey" in front of strangers.
[Imitating Humphrey Bogart.]
Listen, sweetheart.
What are you doing after the wedding? Will you guys cut it out! Ma'am, are you finished, please? My palms are sweating, and it's spreading all over my body.
Just a minute, Corporal.
- Hey, what's going on? - Hey, Klinger, this isn't my idea.
I don't care whose idea it is.
You're working my side of the street.
- It'll just take a minute.
- How would you like it if I slept with a teddy bear? [Margaret.]
Klinger, beat it.
Nobody wears that high-waisted bodice anymore.
Major, can I see you for a minute? Excuse me, madam.
- I'm not a madam.
I'm a corporal.
- What are you doing in that dress? - Sweating, sir.
- Frank, can you come back later? Can't you see I'm busy? Margaret, I have to talk to you.
What I have to say is important.
Oh, all right.
Radar, you move, I'll stick a pin in your leg.
All right, Frank.
What's so important? Margaret, yesterday we had a smooth-running war here.
Today nothing makes sense.
What's going on? A wedding's going on, Frank.
That's what's going on.
I don't think the American taxpayer should pay for the wedding between two pagans.
They're not pagans, Frank.
Everybody's wearing clothes.
I basically oppose these impulsive wartime marriages.
Especially if it cuts into your impulsive wartime maneuvers.
Oh! I know what you think I'm saying, but I'm not saying that.
I know what you're saying, and you know what I'm saying about what you're saying.
- You didn't have to say that.
- [Scoffs.]
Couldn't we go over to your tent and talk this over? - My tent is off-limits to you, Frank.
- Margaret.
Frank, you can move your hand or lose it.
- Morning, Harold.
How are you doin'? - Oh, fine, Sherm.
Couple of days, I'll be back on my seat again.
Tell me about your duty on the line.
What happened up there? Well, it was rough.
We got clomped pretty good.
I think Army Intelligence let us down.
Army Intelligence, huh? I hear you screwed up.
You blew it.
- What are you talking about? - You were ordered to withdraw, and you froze.
Listen, Sherm.
The pressure was incredible.
I'll admit I could have done better.
But I did pretty good for a guy who hasn't seen any action in 25 years.
You don't belong up there.
You belong back in Washington buying meat and potatoes.
Okay, combat's not my specialty.
I'm just up there because I need my Combat Infantry Badge.
- You're not gonna get it.
- What are you talking about? You're not going back.
I'm sending you down.
I just need five more days, Sherm.
Five more days for a promotion.
Don't mess that up.
I don't give a damn about your promotion or your lousy C.
All I care about is those kids.
Please, Sherm.
We're old friends.
I don't care if it costs me every friend I've got.
If one kid gets hurt, the price is too high.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm due at a wedding.
I'm giving the bride away.
## [Traditional Korean.]
They won't get away with it.
General Harrelson will hear about this.
Oh, shut up.
As I understand the Buddhist wedding ceremony the groom usually arrives on a small white pony.
It's a silent ceremony.
No words are spoken.
After the groom approaches the bride a helper pours rice wine for both of them.
They drink.
They bow to one another.
The groom places the ring on the bride's finger.
- And they are married.
- [All Cheering.]
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm really sorry.
Don't apologize for winning.
What's the score? It doesn't matter whether you win or lose the game.
It's how you get court-martialed! - You mean that, sir? - Of course not, Radar.
Make it two out of three.
How many points you gonna spot me? - Same as last game.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, shut up!
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