M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e25 Episode Script

T422 - Ain't Love Grand

Twenty-three hours of O.
So? Twenty-three hours.
It's not like we were in there all day.
I feel like Dorian Gray's picture.
Does anyone mind if I relax to some Beethoven? - Yes, I'm sick of him.
- Not tonight.
- All righty, since you insist.
- [Classical.]
Well, at least he had the decency to ask.
My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.
- [Continues.]
- Why am I wide awake? Shh.
I know.
Perhaps a brisk walk.
Again? How am I supposed to get any sleep with you climbing the furniture all the time? It helps me unwind.
I picked this up from Truman.
He does it all around the Oval Office whenever they're shampooing the rug.
I am living in a giant crib.
Damn it! I can't get my mind off that baby-faced corporal.
Six hours rebuilding his only kidney I'll bet I didn't do him any good at all.
Beej, don't agonize.
You did the best you could.
Now it's up to the boys in Taegu.
I'm gonna go over to Radar's office and make a call - see if they've got him on that new dialysis machine yet.
- Relax.
He just got there.
- Give 'em some time.
- Will you climb down before I get the flyswatter? A man can't even roam the walls of his own castle! Charles, I was in here last night, I saw that new surgical journal.
- Anything on urology? - Hey.
Clean socks.
- Aha! - That's it! Finito.
! Get back! Back! I am sick of both of you! We've been cooped up together for a month.
To Mess Tent to here.
To Mess Tent to here.
- Charles, are you mad at us? - [Screams.]
- Shut up, Beethoven, ya hack! - [Stops.]
- Boy, this is serious.
- Turning on his only friend.
You know what we need? - We need to get thrown out of Rosie's bar.
- Ah.
Have a few thousand drinks, propose to a girl or two.
Staring into a pair of soft eyes wouldn't do you a bit of harm, Charles.
- Not to mention what it would do for me.
- All right, I believe I will.
- Okay.
- If you two stay here! - Fine.
You need a binge more than we do.
- Go.
- Flatten a marine for us.
- Gentlemen.
Well, now it's just you and me again.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're a great group.
- Rosie, uh, the pipes are dry.
- Free drinks on the house if you don't sing anymore.
No wonder Sophie Tucker never plays this room.
Do you mind if I join you? Oh, you got an affair you want me to sing at, right? L I couldn't help but notice something.
- You're wearing a dress.
- I made it.
Why shouldn't I wear it? [Chuckles.]
Oh, you are really a gas.
Corporal Max Klinger, Section Eight, First Class.
Lieutenant Deborah Clark, Debbie.
That's a very exotic handle.
Hey, how'd you like me to take you to Paris? - Really? - Sure, I'll just ask the colonel for a six-month pass.
Don't laugh.
It'll be the most reasonable request I've ever made.
You know, this may be kind of sudden, you being in women's clothes and all but I think I'm in love.
Hey, wait till you get to know me.
The joint is jumpin' now.
What are you drinking, big boy? Do you have a wine list? Huh? Lucky we have wine.
- All right.
Bring me your finest.
- Comin' up.
Bottle of seedless red for number five.
Can I help you? - Want to buy me a burger? - Beg your pardon? Usually I ask for a drink, but I'm starved.
Oh, I see.
I buy you a burger, then we dance, then we drink then we go over to your modest little place for a nightcap.
Oh, we can skip the dancing, but I can sure use the burger.
Sorry, Miss, uh, uh Wimpy, but I'm not in need of someone like Well, that is to say, I'm not looking for Thanks, but no thanks.
Come on.
Don't be a fuddy-duddy.
Here's a dollar.
Buy yourself that burger.
All the way.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey, listen, it's up to you.
The nights around here are very long.
It helps to have some company.
Let it breathe for a while.
[Woman Laughing.]
Shall we dance? Well, I thought you were gonna sleep through the whole morning.
- It's 6:30 already.
- I know.
You stopped snoring at 6:00.
Charles never made it back last night, huh? No, and I'd be happy for him if I wasn't so jealous.
At least one of us was with somebody interesting for a change.
- Well! - I must have read through this thing a hundred times.
- A hundred and five.
- I should have spent more time checking that renal artery.
Will you cut it out.
! Compulsive obsessive that's what you are.
Hamlet was a pile of giggles compared to you.
Every time you have a borderline case, you go through this.
- Close him up already.
- I'm concerned.
Do you mind? - Yes.
- Why? Because you're driving me crazy.
I'm obsessive? Did you ever watch yourself brush your teeth? - What? - Each tooth, up and down, 10 times.
- Same rhythm, 10 times.
- How do you know? I watch you do it every morning and every night.
Can't you go across once? Just once? I was taught to brush my teeth this way.
- Boy.
No wonder Charles can't stand you.
- [Knock On Door.]
Good morning, sirs.
The sun is up, and it's a hap-hap-happy day.
No admittance without a cloud over your head.
Feast your eyes on a hap-hap-happy man.
Knock-knock-knock it off, Klinger.
She thinks I'm outrageous.
She thinks I'm unique.
- She likes me.
- She who? Nurse Clark over at the 8063rd.
Who'd ever think a kid from the streets ofToledo would wind up meeting a girl named Debbie? Could be love, gents.
Oh, I almost forgot.
You got a message from Taegu.
Doesn't sound like that guy on the kidney machine is in too good a shape.
He's bleeding from the shunt.
I knew with all those transfusions there'd be clotting problems.
- Here we go again.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Max.
- You're a little late for curfew, Charles.
Hey, Major, that was some hot dish I saw you with last night.
- Whoo! - You were with a dish, Klinger.
- I was with a lady.
- Of the evening.
Ohh, you rascal, spending your allowance like that.
Out of the gutter, Pierce.
Sooni, the charming woman with whom you saw me last night happens to be a member of one of Korea's oldest and most aristocratic families.
Whatever you say, Major.
Whoo! Charles, what is so tough about admitting you went out and had a good time? We couldn't think any less of you than we already do.
Pierce, do I seem the sort that would associate with a common trollop? Before you speak your gamy mind, the answer is no.
I'm just worried.
You might not be good enough for her.
Max, old man what are the chances of my browsing through your dress collection? Major, if the cause is love, you can have anything you want wholesale.
- Max, you are a gentleman and a lady.
- Come on.
- Ah.
- Two peas in a pod.
Will you put that down.
- Why don't you buzz off? - I'd love to.
Where am I gonna go? Ah, good evening, sirs.
Let me say just two words meat loaf.
Very tempting.
I sampled a piece myself this evening, and you'll notice I'm still vertical.
Is he wearing a Class "A" uniform? Let's see.
Ugly color, Yeah, that's a Class "A" all right.
Excuse the deviation, Colonel, but I have a little rendezvous later and we promised each other to dress in something kinky.
Klinger, I take my hat off to ya.
You're always comin' up with another loony tune.
A Class "A" uniform.
Sooni, you look ravishing.
I don't like this dress.
With all these buttons, it take forever to get out of it.
Let's save that talk for home, shall we? You sure are a bashful bozo.
Hey, you got good eats here.
Thanks for bringing me.
Don't thank me.
It was your idea.
Pudding on meat loaf.
- Charming.
- Mmm.
Sooni, look.
This is the way you hold your fork, eh? That's the way you hold your fork.
I hold mine like this.
- Hi there.
- Hello.
- Fun day in post-op? - Mm-hmm.
Loving every minute of it.
- What time do you relieve me? - 9:00.
- Good, I can use the sleep.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you have to do that? - What is it now? - Sniffing your food like a stray dog.
- It's more disgusting than the food itself.
- Oh, it annoys you, huh? No, it makes me sick.
It's all the same food.
You've eaten it a hundred thousand times already.
Why do you insist on smelling it? - Because it's a little habit I can't break.
- Mmm.
Kind of like the way you constantly comb your cheesy-looking mustache.
Sure, that's you.
A little constructive criticism right away you go for a man's upper lip.
Let me tell you something, Mr.
It's no fun living with you night and day because you, bunky, are one solid six-foot mass of annoying, hair-curling little habits.
- Oh? - There's one.
That's my favorite.
The "Gosh, you're so amusing" smirk.
It drives me up a wall.
Does it? Yeah.
- Just be in post-op at 9:00, Fido.
- [Growls.]
- Spin and win.
Spin and win.
- [Woman Laughing.]
Everyone benefits when we play bingo.
Uh, N-42.
- [Man.]
I got it.
- Nazareth.
- Nazareth 42.
- Is N-45 close enough? Nothing like a relaxing game of bingo to frustrate the bejeebers out of you.
Oh, Colonel, this was a wonderful idea.
After all we've gone through in O.
Lately it's good to have something competitive to break the tension.
- Oh, clam it, Margaret.
You've won every game.
- Yes, I have.
I'd like to remind everyone to stick around for the jackpot game.
First one to get their numbers in the sign of a cross wins a cash bonanza.
I'm glued to my chair.
- Next number.
- L-19.
- Isaiah 19.
- [Potter.]
Aw, poop.
Wait a minute.
I got it.
Okay, Margaret, I'm breathing down your alabaster neck.
- Excuse me.
It's 9:30.
- Oh, yeah.
I just need one more number.
Give me a second.
Let's go, Father.
I wouldn't want to take you away from anything important.
You might win a dollar and a half.
Let's see.
Who haven't we used yet? - Oh, Gabriel.
Gabriel 57.
- [All Murmuring.]
It's two dollars.
And what's the difference? Could you two hold it down? I can't hear myself losing.
You're so damn competitive, you can't walk out on a penny-ante bingo game.
That's it.
I've had it with you.
I don't walk right.
I don't eat right.
I don't even brush my teeth right.
Well, excuse me for living, pal.
Uh Oh, no.
We can't use him.
Uh Gosh 52.
I wish I could find a miserable existence somewhere else preferably without you.
Let me save you the trouble.
I've been living with you long enough.
I'm moving out.
- The sooner the better, friend.
- Shh! - Fine! - Fine.
- B-4.
- [Margaret.]
! Ah, for cryin' out loud! Here we are.
- Hey, this is not bad.
- [Chuckles.]
Let's just say it beats your alternative.
- My what? - The back of the truck.
Oh, how I wish we were in Tokyo where we could have some privacy.
What's the problem? We can just grab a couple of blankets and Sooni, please, don't kill the moment.
You're with me now.
Your past is behind you.
Okay, it's your dime, poopsy.
Poop Have you ever heard Tchaikovsky? Yeah, I think I heard it at Rosie's bar.
I'm sure you didn't.
This is the Serenade for Strings in "C" Major, opus 48.
Such stuff as dreams are made on.
- [Classical.]
- [Humming Along.]
Isn't that beautiful? - Eh.
- Oh, listen to the sweet anguish in this music, the yearning.
Hey, you keep any "C" rations here? I can sure go for some franks and beans.
Sooni, please listen to the music.
It would mean so much to me if we could share this.
Can I get out of this dumb dress? Five minutes, please.
When are we gonna have a few laughs? I'm getting bored.
Getting bored? Oh, if only you weren't so incredibly lovely.
Here we are a one-room suite for the sweet.
Wait a minute.
What's that music? - Holiday for Strings.
- Serenade for St Who's here? Hello? - Hello.
- Oh, Major.
Don't you know about putting the clothes hanger on the door? We've been using that signal for years.
Hey, what is this? We are here first.
Just leaving, Klinger.
No, no, no, Major.
We can go somewhere else.
- Yeah, the truck outside's good.
- Come, my little lotus blossom.
Wait a minute.
You gonna let this monkey push you around? - Pull rank on him.
- Let's go.
Nice meeting you, Miss Lotus Blossom.
By the way, Klinger, Sooni just loves the dress.
I do not.
How's it sound, Doc? - Doc? - Huh? Oh, your heart sounds great.
Add a clarinet and a bass, you could, uh, play bar mitzvahs.
- Something eating you? - No, I'm fine.
Really, I'm okay.
It's something between my bunkmate and me.
That stinker.
Boy, you can live right next to a guy and still not know him.
He's the most compulsive person I ever met, and he doesn't like the way I brush my teeth.
- Hey, Doc.
- What? Oh.
[Air Hissing.]
Your pressure's fine.
Maybe you should check mine.
- Maybe you should get a little rest.
- Thanks, Doc.
Hey, uh, Able.
Is Radar back from R & Ryet? - Not till Thursday.
- All right, if you need me, I'll be living in his office.
Aw, Hawkeye, why don't you just go back to the Swamp? Too crowded.
You know, it's just like in the movies.
Two star-crossed lovers alone at night.
A shimmering moon, a gentle breeze The pungent aroma of a cheap cigar.
I'm sorry.
My Debbie.
It's a miracle.
For the past 24 hours, I've been happy.
Deliriously happy.
And here.
Before yesterday, I was just another guy in a dress and now I'm Prince Charming and John Agar all rolled into one.
I'd like to have those lips on a little charm bracelet.
Oh, Max.
You say the strangest things.
Whenever I look at you, one thought keeps racing through my mind.
- Good.
- Toledo.
- Huh? - Yeah.
Toledo, Ohio.
I'm gonna make it back there.
I know that now.
Debbie, I got a lot of plans.
I'm gonna take my G.
Bill and learn a trade.
And if that doesn't work, my Uncle Ahmed can always buy me a job at city hall.
- And then you know what I'm gonna do? - What? I'm gonna buy the house where I was born and live there the rest of my life.
Sounds swell, Max.
That'll be our address.
- I beg your pardon? - Just Debbie and me and baby makes three.
Oh, whoa.
Oh, wrong song, Max.
You're jumpin' the gun here.
I mean, it's it's fun being with you.
No You're a real kick but, uh, I'm not interested in a lifetime.
I don't understand.
I thought we had something here.
- We do.
We have now.
- That's it? That's an awful lot in a place like this.
- But I thought - Max little blue heavens and picket fences may be your dreams but it's not mine.
I get it.
We were having such a good time, I didn't know it was just a good time.
Well, it still can be.
I'm not that kind of a guy.
- [Chattering.]
- "She walks in beauty "like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies; "and all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
" Well, my dear, what do you think of it? The meat is stale, and the bun is burned.
Boy, that Rosie get away with murder.
The poem.
I was talking about the poem.
Talk, talk.
All talk.
I want some action.
I have so much to give.
Why can't you just pay attention? What you got to give I can get from a sleeping pill.
Sooni, if we're going to be together you've got to do some things that I like to do.
- Now, one more poem.
- Forget it, skinhead.
- I insist.
- You insist nothing.
I've had it with you.
You are too weird.
- Now, Sooni - I'm not gonna do any more of the crazy things with you.
Will you lower your voice, please? Why do you have to make me into some kind of high-class broad? I only wanted to enrich you, give you something special.
What? Lousy music and poetry? Go rhyme yourself.
I'm just a working girl.
If I pull that stuff on some G.
, I'm out on my butt.
Wait, Sooni, please stay.
I'll leave you alone.
No, Charlie.
I will leave you alone.
S - You better off.
- Ah? Really? So is she.
[Phone Ringing.]
MASH and you got a lot of nerve calling in the middle of the night.
All right, all right.
What's the story? Ah.
What? Really? That's great.
That's good.
No, no, no.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
No problem.
Hey, listen, thanks for calling.
Hey, Beej, wake up! Hey, hey! Wake up! Beej! What? What? Oh, it's you.
- Whatever you want, take it.
It's yours.
- I got news.
Dateline: Taegu.
Your kidney patient is off the machine, and he's responding.
- You're kidding.
You mean it? - I just got a call from Cohen, the specialist.
He says it's too early to tell for sure, but he thinks he's gonna be okay.
- Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah! Yeah! Oh! We did it! We did it! - I knew it! He's gonna make it! - You see? - I told you.
! You were worried.
- Oh, Hawkeye! - Am I the greatest surgeon in Korea? - In the world! Ohh, Hawk! He made it! - Yeah, I heard.
- [Laughing.]
Hey, this doesn't seem right for two guys who hate each other as much as we do.
You might as well move back in.
Especially since we'll be celebrating for a month.
A month? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
No, I think your walking on the furniture's liable to drive me nuts.
I can't help it.
It's one of my problems.
- Hey.
- [Laughing.]
- Congratulations.
- Come on.
I can't stand you sober.
Oh, darling.
I missed you too.
Gentlemen, may I have your attention please? - I am home early.
Why is none of your business.
- [Glasses Clinking.]
So, before you ask, don't.
Gee, I've enjoyed our little chat.
- Good night.
- [BJ.
She threw you over, huh? Over and out.
This evening, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Sooni is nothing more than a a camp follower.
Well, don't be hasty, Charles.
Fifth impressions can deceive you.
I was only deceiving myself.
How could I have been so blind and stupid? - And human.
- Touché.
Charles, you needed somebody.
We all do occasionally.
- It wasn't such a big mistake.
- Come on, Charles.
Join the rest of us fools.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have" Oh, give me a drink.
[Singing Drunkenly.]
There ought to be a cover in here, and he ought to be under it.
- It's a good thing we're numb already.
- Oh, what a beating.
- [Chuckles.]
- Rosie.
- [Singing Continues.]
- A beating? - Yeah.
- I think it's beautiful.
- [Scoffs.]
- I do.
[Singing Continues.]
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Don't go yet, Charles.
It'll be over soon.

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