M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e26 Episode Script

T424 - The Party

Last call for coffee 'fore it hardens.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just pour it on a towel and apply it to my face.
How long were we in there, Radar? Seven hours and 41 men, sir.
12 of whom I will operate on again and again in my dreams.
You think we got troubles? - Peg burned a batch of strawberry jam and ruined the stove.
- This rotten war.
My mom makes jam all the time.
She puts something special in it so it won't burn.
- Find out what she does.
I'll write Peg.
- Please phone.
- I cannot endure the suspense.
- Mildred's a whiz at preserves.
She puts up a kumquat-huckleberry combo that is so delicious it makes you wish you were a slice of bread.
Maybe you could get Mrs.
Potter to send me the recipe.
Peg can use all the help she can get.
- Here.
Make it simple.
Have Peg write Mildred direct.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
She can write my mom too.
- Now we're cookin'.
- While all you Dagwoods write to Blondie, I'm going to bed.
- [Radar Sighs.]
A little thing like Peg making contact with Radar's mom and Potter's wife I'm wide awake.
They'll get to know each other and then someday if we ever have a reunion, they won't have to wear red carnations.
I'll wear one, though, 'cause I think Charles is gonna forget me.
Thank you.
I wouldn't want to ignore the wrong person.
I can just see all of us 10 years from now sitting at a reunion.
The war's been over for a month.
We've all got gray hair.
- Charles has his in a box.
- Wait a minute.
Why wait 10 years? Why not avoid the rush and have a reunion now? I realize I'm tired, but why do we need a reunion if we're all sitting in the same room? No, no.
Not us, our families.
We get 'em together from all over the States Oh, this is great.
They come to New York or some place, have this big dinner, and we could This is terrific! They can have pictures of us, enlargements at every place setting.
- Except for Charles.
We don't wanna spoil their appetite.
- Ah, ha-ha-ha.
All we have to do is get 'em together by mail.
In a month or so they'll be sitting around laughing and swappin' stories about how much they miss us and cryin' their eyes out.
- Sounds like a wonderful evening.
- What are we waiting for? Here.
Drop a line to your dad.
- You realize what time it is? It's a quarter to dead.
- Here.
You too, Charles.
It won't be any good unless everybody does it.
Don't be absurd.
My parents have accumulated huge amounts of wherewithal for the express purpose of associating exclusively with their own kind.
Good night.
Oh, and shut up.
I'll work him over later.
Now, how are you doin'? Look, I don't wanna disappoint you, Beej, but my father hasn't left Crabapple Cove in 40 years.
Most of his patients he delivered himself.
He's too protective to leave them, even for a couple of days.
Yo! Before you sirs go to sleep, wake up.
The Chinese have broken through the lines.
- Everybody's pullin' back, and we're buggin' out of here.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
I'm gonna lie right here with a detour sign on my back.
Come on, Hawkeye.
Geez, we gotta get all the wounded out.
We gotta load the equipment in the trucks and everything! - Geez.
Come on, Major! - What? Where are we going? - Colonel Potter still hasn't found it on the map.
- Oh.
Why don't they just issue us Chinese uniforms so we can get some sleep? Radar, when you write your mother about the jam tell her we're organizing this big party for all our relatives.
- What's the matter with you guys? We're buggin' out of here.
- Yeah.
They'll all get together in New York and have this big dinner.
I don't believe it! The Chinese are comin'! - Then we better order more food.
- Will you let your mother know? - I will if you'll move it! - Deal.
Things I gotta go through to organize a simple party.
This one's next! - What do you think, Father? This reunion's a great idea, isn't it? - Yes.
The warmth, the mutual support why, it would be just wonderful for them to get together.
Suppose you could spring your sister from the convent for a weekend? For this, no problem.
If you like, she could bring along her saxophone and provide a little musical entertainment.
- She really wails on "Stardust.
" - She's got the gig.
- Davis.
- I can't believe this.
! The only two vein graft clamps in the unit, and they're tossed in here like ordinary junk! - So, what do you think, Margaret? - About what? - The family reunion? - Oh.
Sounds fine.
I want this equipment sorted carefully.
And hurry! The Chinese'll be here by dawn! - You think they'll come? - Of course they will.
They just broke through the lines.
- Your parents to the reunion.
- I doubt it.
- You just said it was a great idea.
- I'm trying to pack.
- Why won't they come? They'd love it, wouldn't they? - I don't know.
- I don't know.
- So write 'em.
See what they say.
- Do you mind if I finish packing first? - No.
Of course not.
- Thank you.
- Look, Captain, my folks won't go to this party.
It's not their kind of thing.
Throw me those cabbages, will you? - Phew, the green ones.
- You worried they'll find out you wear women's clothes? Are you kidding? My uncle got out of World War II this way.
Keeps sending me pieces of his wardrobe.
What love that man has for me.
What's the problem? Your folks are warm people.
They'd love to meet our relatives.
They don't speak English.
And I guarantee you nobody there speaks Arabic which leaves eating and smiling at each other.
- They must know someone who speaks both.
- Yeah, my Uncle Abdul.
So, invite him along.
He can translate for the Winchesters too.
- Well, maybe.
- No "maybe.
" You're down for a "yes.
" Klinger, you're gonna have to come up with 200 pounds of chipped ice, pronto.
- Colonel - 200 pounds? What am I, a glacier? - Just make sure those whole blood containers are packed with it.
- Uh, Colonel I got this great idea: A reunion, all our folks back home.
I heard.
Mildred'll love it.
Now get into post-op.
Those boys have to be the first out.
- On my way.
- Ice.
I want ice.
I'm not your waiter, but I'll see what I can do.
Be sure to keep his spine immobile.
One good bump on the road, it's bye-bye backbone.
Maybe you can strap him to that board and sling it like a hammock.
- He'll sway, but he won't bounce.
- Yeah.
With any luck, he'll only get carsick.
- How'd we do, son? - Huh? Oh, pretty good.
- Just some light damage.
A couple of bottles of plasma broke.
- Uh-huh.
- And some bourbon ones too.
- What do you mean, "light damage"? Watch it! - Radar, get some more lanterns on this path.
We got enough broken bones.
- Yes, sir.
Get him out of here.
Take him inside.
- No leg reflex.
His cord may have been damaged.
- You had to move him.
- There was no choice.
- Just what he needed a ride through the countryside.
- He's still alive.
If it weren't for you, he would have died.
- Yeah.
Some favor I did him.
What wonderful memories this conjures up.
When I was in premed, I worked part-time for a moving company.
I could pack a 30-piece set of china in 10 minutes flat less, if they didn't mind having a 60-piece set.
I seem to be doing a solo here.
- You wanna help with this? - Huh? - I never learned how to make hospital corners.
- Oh, yeah.
- Boy, I'm just radiant, aren't I? - Well, look it's hard moving into a new neighborhood.
Especially if you're a kid with a damaged cord new cripple on the block.
- What about the Hunnicutt Hoedown? - [Sighs.]
- Why don't you concentrate on the reunion for a while? - Come on.
Who's kidding who? All we got is a definite possibility of a firm "maybe.
" - What happened to the life of the party? - What party? So far, Charles is an absolute "no," Klinger and Margaret are a "we'll see" and you're a confirmed "I doubt it.
" - You sorta care a lot about this thing, don't you? - I don't care about anything.
Well, I think I'll go check out the neighborhood.
You know, find out where the supermarket is, see if there's a good dry cleaners.
It's always exiting the first day.
Father, what do you think of purgatory so far? I don't know about us, but these eggs have certainly been through hell.
- Morning, Major.
- Morning, sir.
Morning, Father.
- All the wounded get tucked in? - They're all fine, except for Captain Hunnicutt's patient.
I had Radar call Tokyo.
The neurosurgeon will be waiting for him at the 121 st tomorrow.
Good morning, pilgrims.
I wonder if we might have a brief town meeting? - A what kind of meeting? - I'll handle this.
You just take the minutes.
Care to join us, Captain Standoff-ish? Well, make it fast, sir.
I'm working on a barbecue for lunch: Rack of Spam.
Fly à la mode for dessert.
I'll be brief.
At this moment, B.
Is sitting in his spacious new quarters with a depression that goes right through the floor.
We'll ship his spinal case out of here tomorrow.
That's the best we can do.
- That's only half his problem.
- Oh, not that ridiculous party again.
Spoken like a true weak link, Charles.
Now look, folks.
This party is very important to B.
He's already got a patient who can't feel anything.
He doesn't need friends who can't feel either.
Pass out the paper and pencils, Radar.
- "With fly à la mode for dessert.
" - Memorize the rest, huh? - Captain, my folks won't come! - [Potter.]
Not if you don't ask 'em, they won't.
Look, it's very easy.
Let me show you how.
"Dear Dad" - [Klinger, Margaret And Charles Protesting.]
- Write! Colonel, I love what you've done with this room and in just three endless weeks.
Now, if the mail would just find us this canvas cottage would be real homey.
- [Phone Rings.]
- At least someone knows where we are.
4077 Gypsies.
Colonel Potter? Oh, yeah.
The short, gray-haired guy with the earring.
One minute.
- General Imbrie.
- Gimme that.
General, how nice of you to call.
The place is really takin' shape.
Well, General, I appreciate your calling me in person.
If someone else told me that, I wouldn't believe it.
No, sir.
No apology is necessary.
- [Slams Handset.]
- I don't believe it! - I do.
What are we in for now? - We have to move back.
We're buggin' out again.
Why don't they just issue us a calliope? We can travel from town to town.
The front shifted again.
They retook that same, tiny piece of land.
It's back to square one.
Sirs, I guess they found us.
The first mail's here.
We'll read it later.
We're buggin' out.
Let's move.
"I love the idea of a party.
It sounds great, Francis.
- I love that.
" - You wouldn't expect a sister to call her brother "Father.
" "Just tell me the date, and I'll be there with starch in my wimple and a song in my sax.
" - [All Laugh.]
- "Love, Sis.
" - Well, the band is set.
- I doubt that there'll be a doctor in the house.
"Dear Ben, I'm delighted at the prospect of meeting "the wives and parents of the people you work with "and a little disappointed that you wouldn't think I'd drop everything to be there.
"You're right.
I am sort of particular about the bodies "of all these souls I brought into the world "but I guess I'm more partial to the son I brought into this world.
I'll be there with bells on.
" It's funny.
I always thought his patients came first.
How about you, Major? Aren't you gonna read your letter? - I already know what the answer is.
- So did I.
Come on.
Take a peek.
- I've been trying to avoid this from the start.
- [Paper Rustling.]
My parents have been separated for over a year.
They're not gonna want to face all those people together.
I'm sorry, Margaret.
I didn't know that.
- [Banging.]
- What is it with these bumps? You're a priest, not a stripper.
Sorry, Hawkeye.
I know there's a road among these potholes somewhere.
What'd they say, Margaret? Well, they say they certainly can put aside their differences for one weekend [Sniffles.]
And that I mean more to them than anything.
Just when you got 'em pegged, they turn around and show you how much they love you.
- [Bangs.]
- [Potter Yelps.]
- Go! Ride 'em, cowboy! - [Laughing.]
Ah, what does she say, Colonel? She couldn't be more tickled if she swallowed a feather duster.
"Ellie Whitsett's even makin' me a new dress, Sherm.
I'm trading her banjo lessons for it.
" - Mildred picks a hell of a banjo.
- Oh, yeah? Say, she and Father Mulcahy's sister could get together and Of course, I don't think Mildred knows any popular stuff.
- She plays mostly classical banjo.
- Mm.
- How 'bout you? You want me to read yours for you? - Nah.
- You wouldn't be able to.
It's in Arabic.
- Oh.
Sure is a pretty-lookin' language.
- [Yelps.]
Keep your grimy hands on the wheel! - Ooh! Look, I'm sorry, Major.
The tires won't stay on the road.
- What did my mom have to say? - Only if you keep your eyes straight ahead.
- Okay.
- All right.
"Dear Walter" [Scoffs.]
- "Your Uncle Ed and me were real excited about the get-together" - Huh! - "We love the whole 'idear.
"' - Hey, that's great.
Lord, this grammar is atrocious.
First of all, it should be, "Your Uncle Ed and I are very excited" or "terribly excited.
" We won't even discuss "idear.
" You don't have to translate for me.
That's how she talks when she writes.
- Uh, anyway, they "intends to come.
" - Gee, isn't that terrific? - Uh, what else did she say? - Well, there's something here of a personal nature having to do with the sexual antics of one of your farm animals.
That's Randy.
He's our goat.
Apparently he tried to "kiss a turkey.
" - Uh, Major, maybe you better put that letter in my pocket.
- I think that's best.
- What do your parents say? - Uh, well I'm sure they can't top Randy, but this should be good for a laugh.
Try not to take any of this personally, Corporal.
I do not believe my eyes.
"We thought it might be an interesting experience to attend"! - They're going.
They're actually going! - [Laughs.]
"Certainly not much to keep us in Palm Beach this season.
The weather is vile.
"Chaz and Buffy Sprinsock have been blotto since the day we got here.
"We do think we ought to meet the families of those who are right now the most important people in your life"! - I do not believe this.
- What? - Corporal! - What? What? What? - Look out! - [Yells.]
Sorry, sir.
- Captain, we just got a signal from the truck behind us.
- Yeah? They've been passing the news all up and down the convoy.
They want to go.
Your party's on.
- You're kidding? Hey! - [Laughs.]
Kellye, set up that sling right away.
All right, folks.
I know we're up to our knees in disaster here but back home we've got armfuls of relatives just waiting to celebrate for us.
All we have to do is set a date.
The most appropriate one I can think of is Valentine's Day, February 14th.
- Valentine's Day? Delightful.
They can all meet in a garage in Chicago.
- [Radar.]
Sir? Sir, the 121 st Evac just called, and Dr.
Monroe up there just operated on your spinal patient.
- Is he all right? - Better than all right.
He's terrific.
Doctor says in a couple months he ought to be able to feel the fuzz on a picture of a peach.
- Ya-ha-ha-hoo! - Be quiet.
You're coming right through this man's heart.
I'm not gonna be quiet, Charles.
I'm gonna howl! I'm gonna celebrate! I'm gonna bay at the moon, and so is everybody else around here! We've got a date February 14th! - February 14th is impossible.
- [Others Groaning, Protesting.]
I was willing to go along with this cheap sentimentality because my parents were mildly interested but I'm sorry to tell you that my father must attend a meeting of the Board of Overseers at Harvard on that weekend - and it's out of the question for them to attend.
- [Others Chattering.]
How about another weekend? What about the weekend of the 21 st? Anybody can't make it the 21 st? - [Others Chattering, Affirming.]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
The finals of the Davenport Midwinter Cattle Competition are on the 20th and the 21 st.
- My mom and Uncle Ed are entering Edna's calf, so they have to go.
- [Chattering, Questioning.]
She's just a baby calf.
You don't expect her to go by herself? You're gonna hold up our reunion because of a dumb cow? Hey, listen.
This is my reunion too.
And Edna's calf is not dumb.
All right.
Let's not get into personalities.
How about March 1 st? That's a nice round number.
- Anybody have any problem with March 1 st? - [Chattering, Affirming.]
- All right.
That's settled.
March 1 st is it.
- [Strikes Table.]
- Uh, I'm afraid March 1 st is out of the question.
- [Chattering, Protesting.]
Un-Unfortunately, my sister's basketball team at the convent won first place in their division.
- Terrific.
- On March 1 st, she'll be knocking them out at the play-offs with her fade-away hook.
- She could be named Most Valuable Sister.
- [Others Affirming.]
- This is dragging out longer than the war.
What about March 8th? - [Chatter.]
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Our grandson Corey has his birthday on the 7 th.
Mildred'll be in St.
Louis that weekend.
- This'll be the big number five for him.
That's half a decade.
- [Chattering, Arguing.]
- Folks, folks, we're running low on March.
How about the 15th? - [Chattering, Affirming.]
- Okay.
All right.
The ides have it.
- No, no, no, no.
- Et tu, "Brutess'"? - My father meets with his old regiment annually every third Monday in March.
- They've been doing it for 30 years.
He refuses to miss it.
- [Chattering, Groaning.]
- Let's push it up again.
How about Halloween, 1960? - [Chattering.]
Does anybody have any objection to March 21 st? - I don't know how to say this, but March 21 st is impossible.
- [Chattering, Protesting.]
That's the weekend Peg takes the exam for her real estate broker's license.
She's been studying for it for a long time.
I just can't ask her to drop it.
All right.
All right.
Before you get out the rope, she sent me a list of alternative dates.
The next weekend is clear for her.
That would be March 28th.
Check your lists.
Does anybody have a problem on March 28th? You mean we're in? - Bingo! - [All Cheering, Chattering.]
All right.
All right.
Now, in 15 minutes, we meet out in front of the signpost.
We'll take a picture that they can blow up big as life everybody with a big, cheesy grin pointing toward home.
Then, on March 28th, the people we love will get together for one gigantic hug! [Others Cheering, Hooting.]
You're not actually gonna wear that, are you? I didn't come all the way to Korea to have my picture taken in a soldier suit.
We gotta take that picture someplace else anywhere but the signpost.
- What do you mean? - Klinger, the signpost shows our families how much we miss 'em how far we are from where we really wanna be.
- All right, then, my parents can't come! - What? [B.
Wait a minute.
Why? - It's my mother.
She doesn't know I'm here.
- Doesn't know you're in Korea? She thinks I'm in New Jersey.
I told her I was at Fort Dix.
I didn't want her to worry.
Every day she'd wake up with the fear I was gonna die.
All this time she thought you were in New Jersey? She doesn't speak English.
All she knows is what the family tells her.
When I was stationed at Fort Dix, I took almost a hundred snapshots of myself.
I've been sending 'em to her every month: Me at the Fort Dix motor pool me peeling Fort Dix potatoes, me getting thrown out of the Fort Dix Officers Club.
Wait a minute.
Klinger, I think I know a way around this.
At long last it's in your hands, Peg.
On March 28th, I'll be picturing you in Manhattan at the Pierre Hotel.
Have a great time.
Just make sure nobody says the word "Korea" when they're standing next to Mrs.
Hug each other for us, the way we wish we could be hugging you ourselves.
I love you very much.
Margaret, rib spreader.
A chest full of shrapnel.
How's that for a present from the Easter Bunny? Sirs and everybody, I got a whole bunch of letters here - and they're all on stationery from the Pierre Hotel.
- [Cheering.]
- Read one out loud, Radar.
- Who's first? We owe this moment to B.
Why don't you read Peg's first? Is that okay? That is so okay like you can't believe.
- "My Darling" - We know you like him, Radar.
Read the letter.
Aw, come on.
"It's 4:00 in the morning, and the party just broke up a few minutes ago.
"No one wanted it to end.
"We hugged and hung onto each other by the elevators for hours "before we finally said good night.
"We love you and miss you so much.
We felt as if we'd known one another all our lives.
"Everyone had the most wonderful time.
And Mrs.
Winchester were the hit of the party.
"We all cleared the dance floor when they did the Charleston "with Radar's mother and Uncle Ed.
! "In fact, the Winchesters were so taken with the O'Reillys "that they invited Radar and his family to visit them at their house on the Cape the first summer he gets home from Korea.
" - Holy cow! - [Laughing.]
Hunnicutt, you're to blame for this.
"Father Mulcahy's Sister Angelica "had thejointjumping with her saxophone.
"Margaret Houlihan's mother and father had a wonderful time.
"They danced the whole evening together.
"Hawkeye's father took a real shine to Mrs.
They danced all the waltzes together and even had a go at the Lindy once or twice.
'" [Potter.]
pierce, if your father is anything like you we're gonna have to have a long, long talk about this.
"I guess the most touching moment was when I saw Mrs.
Klinger "looking at the picture of all of you under the Fort Dix sign.
"There were tears in her eyes "when she told me through her brother Abdul that you didn't have to bother.
"She'd known all along that her son was really in Korea.
"But she wouldn't let on, because she didn't want him to worry about her so you'd better not tell Klinger.
'" Ooh.
I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't have read that part.
That's okay, kid.
Boy, I could never fool her on anything.
- Hey, Klinger.
- Yeah? Welcome to Korea.
"Tomorrow, we're all gonna have lunch at the Automat.
" - Oh, wow! I always wanted to do that.
- [Chuckles.]
"And then to a Broadway musical.
And then" Hey, listen to this! "The hotel is treating us to a good-bye dinner.
" - Hey.
- [Gleeful Commotion.]
"The maître d' says there'll be flowers on every table" I gotta hand it to me.
That was some idea I had.
I wonder if they give a Nobel Prize for parties.
Um, oh, excuse me, sirs.
I just need to, uh, talk to Major Winchester just for a minute.
- Is that okay with you, Major? - Be brief and be gone.
Well, um, I was just thinking You know, there's a lot of talk now about the peace talks and, uh, gee, you know if they should declare peace around May orJune well, you know, that's, uh, my first summer after the war.
So? Well, so, uh, maybe we should start planning about you and me and our families getting together at the Cape of Cod.
- What? - Absolutely! Let's work this out.
Radar, how many rooms will you need? Oh, well, I think my mother should have a room of her own.
But, uh, my Uncle Ed and me could share one.
Or I could sleep on a couch or something.
Is there anything they can bring, Charles? Extra blankets? Pots and pans? - Bathing suits.
- Of course.
And towels? You have enough towels, Charles? Sure.
We could bring extra towels.
That's no problem.
Bring anything you want.
Bring your goat.
Makes no difference to me, 'cause I shan't be there.
I'm turning myself in to the Chinese.

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