Masters of Sex s04e04 Episode Script

Coats or Keys

1 [Johnson.]
Previously on Masters of Sex We have to hire new people.
New partners.
Pleasure to meet you.
Nancy Leveau.
Art Dreesen.
Wish me luck on my first day.
Good luck, baby.
I don't understand.
They're married.
I don't know why you're sending yourself flowers from Dan, and I'm not asking.
I can't remember the last time I satisfied her.
- And you would prefer he - Take control.
Say what he wants.
Are you sure you want me to? Honestly, I can barely feel you.
- [loud slapping.]
- Ouch! Gary, stop! - That is enough! - [screams.]
Uh, Virginia and Dan never married.
You knew Virginia would never give up her work, and I knew Dan would always return to me.
We predicted it, and we were right.
My husband and I, we have an agreement, an arrangement, and that is nobody's business but our own.
I'm also in an open marriage, so I judge no one, ever.
[sultry music.]
[birds chirping.]
[man snoring.]
[snoring continues.]
- [grunts.]
- [together.]
You okay? [Kyle.]
Do you need help? [Lyle.]
Are you all right to drive? Some night, eh? Looks like you got lucky after all, huh? [light jazzy music.]
Shit! Wh one damn it.
May I have the number for the Checker Cab Company please? You had them all along? [Masters.]
Well I didn't see the night ending this way.
Did you? The two of us here like this? Well, I hope you're capable of changing your ways.
Otherwise, I really don't think this arrangement is gonna last.
Did you sleep at all? 14, 16 you haven't opened the piano.
Not yet.
I will.
Art, could you do it now? There's no time to get everything done after work.
Oh, shoot.
Okay, now I've lost count.
Two, four, six, eight, ten What's got you so worried? Virginia was sure he's not coming.
- You're certain? - She said Bill doesn't make appearances unless he's being honored for something.
Even then, he arrives late, leaves after the photo.
We're in the clear.
And Virginia is bringing someone? I do not want to end up with an odd number like last time.
I think it's a good sign that she's coming.
Don't you? She wouldn't have said yes if she were still mad about us hiding that we're married.
Did she say who she is bringing? Nope.
But you're sure she understood to bring a date? - Yep.
- How do you know? Because I winked and licked my lips, and then I used the special swingers' handshake She understood, Nance.
Believe me.
- [elevator dings.]
- It's just a casual get-together with a few of their neighbors.
Don't worry.
You're already off the hook.
I told them that you're not one for parties.
Morning, Lester.
You know, you really don't have to concern yourself about my social calendar, Virginia.
I'm sorry.
I thought that I was doing you a favor.
I'm sure if you want to go God, no.
Of course I don't want to go.
Besides, I have the children tonight.
That's probably why Libby invited me to a movie.
We're meeting at Art and Nancy's first.
Lester, are you going? I wasn't invited.
Well, I'm inviting you.
Art made quite a point of insisting that I don't come alone.
Why don't you bring your husband, then? I was going to, but he's stuck in Miami.
A lot of swamps in Florida.
Lester, just come.
I'm sure the more, the merrier.
And bring Jane.
I haven't seen her in a while.
Yeah, you and me both.
We're ships that pass in the morning after she's back from cavorting with her male lover.
[elevator dings.]
Did I tell you she has a male lover? [Masters.]
What's all this? This? This isn't even half of it.
He also got into Howie's box spring, and he shat He shat, Bill In Barbie's Dream House.
Well, he is a puppy.
What did you expect? Well, for starters, Bill, I didn't expect you to buy the kids a dog without asking my permission first.
Libby, Baxter is strictly the children's responsibility.
- [scoffs.]
- No, I made that very clear to them before we even left the pet store, and they promised.
Which shows exactly how much you know about children.
They will say anything.
I mean, Jenny promised me she would stop making fun of Howie's bangs if I let her watch 15 more minutes of television, and the second the show was over, she was calling him Moe Howard.
- I don't know who that is.
- Because you are not in the trenches with these children day in and day out the way that I am.
All right, I will, um [clears throat.]
I'll talk to the kids tonight when I pick them up.
I will make it crystal clear what is expected of them.
- [scoffs.]
- But really, you know, it's always tough at the beginning with a pet.
You just have to show him who's boss.
And this past week since your session? It's been awful.
Gary and I have barely spoken.
I don't know what to say to her.
I've apologized, but I think at the same time, she owes me an apology too, you know? Not the response she expected to elicit.
I wanted him to act like a real man.
Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? The husband's the strong one, and the wife's more demure? Well, I'm not sure that a woman who's truly demure would insist on being dominated.
Is there any particular reason, anything in your background that would make you think this is how a couple should behave? You asked about my dad.
He worked the line at Birdseye for 40 years.
I used to think all that time watching peas and carrots roll past on a conveyer belt made him real good at finding fault in an instant.
Mom got the brunt of it.
Gave her a black eye once for dog-earing a paperback.
Can you imagine? Unfortunately, I can.
I've known men like that.
It never occurred to me that any woman would ever want to be treated that way.
Fran, of all people, she always seemed so easygoing.
Even on our first date He asked if he could order for me, and my heart skipped a beat.
I thought, "Oh, yeah, he's a take-charge kind of guy.
" And that appealed to you? Well, you wouldn't ask that if you'd seen my mother in a restaurant ordering for my dad.
"Howard will have the lo mein.
" And him just opening and closing his mouth like a guppy.
She laid out his clothes in the morning.
She wrote out what to say to his boss when he asked for a raise.
He used to say he was 5'11" when they got married, but he'd be buried in a child's coffin.
That's how much she'd cut him down to size.
I wanted a "honey, I'm home" type of marriage.
A husband kisses his wife at the door, tells her how delicious her pot roast is.
And before they have sex, he asks if she's in the mood, and if she's not, that's fine.
There's tomorrow.
I wanted to show her love and respect.
All the things your father never did.
I wanted him to take charge.
I wanted him to put his pleasure first, to to be the man so I could feel like Like you weren't your mother.
Well, it certainly explains why she wanted a man to take charge.
And why he couldn't possibly be that man.
I mean, it's It's remarkable, actually.
They couldn't be more wrong for each other, each one wanting something the other is constitutionally incapable of giving.
If only they'd been able to let down their guard with each other when they first met.
Well, I'm sure they didn't understand how their childhoods had affected them.
That kind of insight takes a long time to develop.
And for you? What did it take? It took, uh a while.
What? I thought that you were going to say that it took me to ask the right questions and make you feel safe enough to reveal your secrets.
I've told you mine.
Not all of them, I'm sure.
Well, certainly you know why I'm the right person to treat a woman with a steamroller of a mother, don't you? How do we treat them? That's the question.
Is there any point to further sensate therapy? No.
It's too traumatic for him to engage with her physically, knowing what she wants from him sexually.
- Agreed.
- So then what? I mean, where do they go from here? Do they love each other enough to make it work? No, the question isn't, do they love each other enough?" It's, are they willing to truly engage in the work of intimacy? To stand naked in front of each other outside the bedroom? Are they capable of reflection, of of change? Are they able to let go of and forgive each other for the hurt and disappointment that's brought them here? I'll set another appointment with them, and we'll see.
You have the kids tonight, you say? Mm.
I'm taking them to see something called, uh The Love Bug? In case you were wondering, it's about a Volkswagen, not an epidemic.
You don't have to dig into your private stash.
I'm sure there'll be a full bar.
What if there's a line? [jazzy piano music playing.]
Oh, Helen says the smell of this stuff makes her retch these days.
[indistinct chatter and laughter.]
Ah, which is too bad, 'cause the way she usually gets through her folks' visits is with the help of her boyfriend, Jim Beam.
Jane has a boyfriend.
Did I tell you his name? [together.]
Corky St.
Well, did I tell you he produces that piece of shit kids' show [both.]
Farmer Philo's Feed Bag.
- Yeah.
- You might have mentioned it.
- [doorbell rings.]
- She screws him, comes home with balloon animals for the kids.
Is that sick, or what? I'll make a deal with you, Lester, honey.
- [doorbell rings.]
- You try to get Corky out of your mind, and I'll try to forget about the salesman who Helen's parents think knocked her up.
- and then left town.
- And then high-tailed it out of town.
You usually say "high-tailed it.
" Come on in.
The water is warm.
I'm Lyle Schwartz.
I'm Kyle O'Brien.
[both laugh.]
I'm kidding.
We're brothers.
Oh, uh, how does anyone tell you apart? Well, one of us is circumcised And the other isn't.
[indistinct chatter.]
- [woman.]
All right.
- [man.]
- Oh, no thank you.
- No.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, hey.
- Knock, knock.
- Hey, you two.
How's it looking in there? It's an attractive crowd.
Not a beast in the bunch.
So what's it gonna be tonight? Keys? Well, that got confusing last time since some of the wives drove their husbands.
Well, how about this time the men get to pick, huh? We have all those coats piled in the guest room.
Coats it is.
You didn't have to wait outside.
You could've gone in without me.
And walk into a party where I know no one? Well, you know Betty and Lester.
I just need to say a quick hello to the host.
Grab a bite to eat if you're hungry.
We'll cut out with plenty of time to catch the movie.
- [man.]
May I take your coats? - Oh, that's all right.
We're not staying long.
Oh, we don't want to cart them around, do we? Thank you.
Do you think there are any single men here? [man.]
Don't you worry.
We'll have you home before sunrise.
Probably a few.
Are you in the market? I think I might be ready at least to flirt.
Be fun to flirt, don't you think? Well, good thing we brought two cars.
Jane has that blouse.
It's probably hanging off of Corky St.
Angeles' lampshade right now.
Care for some crap? I think they're called crepes.
Wait till you taste 'em.
Virginia, you've come! Indeed, I have.
What a beautiful place you have.
Uh, have you met Libby? Libby, Nancy.
Are you the woman Michael has been telling us so much about? Michael? You're not the dental hygienist from Kansas City? No.
Libby's with me.
I'm sorry? [Libby.]
I came with Virginia.
Is that a problem? Art encouraged me to bring a friend.
No, it's not a problem at all.
Let's get you two some drinks.
We've hired this wonderful bartender who does amazing things with tequila.
Michael, I thought this lovely woman was your girlfriend.
Lisa? No.
We split up.
She kept insisting she was my rebound after Erica.
Uh, my wife.
Well, ex-wife.
So you're here alone? I am so sorry about that, but it does really help with our numbers.
Michael Schaeffer, this is Virginia Now do you go by Johnson or Logan outside the office? How old-fashioned is that husband of yours? Dan's fine with either, so I've stuck with Johnson.
Dan Logan is your husband? [laughing.]
I'll be damned.
Uh, the three of us are supposed to be having dinner next week in New York.
We are? Mike.
Mike Schaeffer.
He didn't mention it? No of course.
Mike Schaeffer.
Hey, I suggested a restaurant, but he said you were a fabulous cook.
He said Virginia was? I make one or two things well.
That reminds me, I have completely forgotten to leave dinner instructions with the babysitter.
If you'll excuse me, may I use your phone? In the kitchen I'll show you.
Harry and Linda, don't you look pretty! Coats in the bedroom, everyone.
Libby Masters.
I'm also divorced.
Does seem to be going around these days.
John? Jenny? Howie? Come on, shake a leg.
[puppy yipping and growling.]
[puppy whining.]
Howie? Jenny? Kids? [puppy barks.]
You having fun? Betty met Mookie.
Very big with the hand gestures, that Mookie.
- Do we have any seltzer? - Guess what, honey.
Turns out Mike Schaeffer knows Virginia's husband, Dan.
- [Art.]
Is that right? - [Nancy.]
They're all getting together in New York in a few weeks.
You know, we'd love to meet Dan, maybe the next time he's in St.
Hey, Nance, uh, I could use your help for a sec.
Will you excuse me a moment? You know what works even better than seltzer, Art, is ginger ale.
Give me one sec.
Ginger ale does not get out stains.
I know that.
What? Really? You want me to say it? [gentle piano music playing.]
What are you gonna do when this Mike guy gets back from New York and says to these two, "Hey, guess who isn't married to Dan Logan.
" Shh, shh, shh.
She thinks I don't know where they're coming from.
Like a person could actually just, in the course of their normal life, bump into that many people who make balloon animals.
You know what the ironic thing is? Do you? Well, do you? What is the ironic thing? I got the tickets for her and little Hugo to see the stupid fucking show.
- Are you gonna finish that? - I was [Lester.]
I'll grab us a couple more.
You don't think that six months is too soon to get seriously involved with someone new? Ah, you sound like Lisa.
Look, I swear I wasn't rebounding, all right? I mean, she was just threatened by how close Erica and I are.
- You mind? - Oh, no.
[indistinct chatter, polite applause.]
We actually renewed our vows.
You and your ex? Yep.
It was Erica's therapist's idea to do it for Nicky and Aaron.
- Uh-huh.
- We solemnly pledged to love each other, not as husband and wife, but as best friends.
You actually had a ceremony? That is so beautiful.
And how about you? How about you and your ex? Are you close? Uh, uh very close.
Yeah, extremely close.
Bill and I have found, um Um, his name is Bill.
But as long as we can sit down and take each other by the hand and really just say, you know, "Honey, you know how much I love you and I value you," um, then everything that comes after that just goes so much more easily.
Yeah, there's no moving on until you're good with your ex.
- [man.]
Come on in.
- Mm.
[indistinct chatter.]
Um, Mike, do you mind Just switch places with you really quick? Libby Masters? Boy girl Boy? Girl? I can't tell.
Boy's or girl's? Mm.
Oh, that's, uh, Debbie DeLaurio's.
She and Glenn just got back from a cruise in Acapulco.
They say buffet adds a pound a day.
I'd say they were gone about a month.
You? Easy.
Art happens to like a woman with a little meat on her bones.
You know what I like.
What do you like? I like you.
You know, sooner or later, just statistically speaking, it's gonna be, you know, us.
You and me.
Got it? The fix is in.
Two olives.
[indistinct chatter.]
Coats, huh? Well, I dig it.
Well, well, well.
I have to say you're the last person I expected to find at a party like this.
Party like what? Oh, well, I occasionally imbibe.
You know, as shrewd a judge of character as I consider myself to be, I have to admit I have seriously misjudged you, Libby Masters.
- Bram Keller.
How do you do? - Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
Definitely more to this lady than meets the eye.
- Mike.
- You'd think prim and proper, wouldn't you, Ike, just based on outward appearances? But I am telling you, this one, inside, is a roiling cauldron of rage.
You just tap her ever so slightly, and [imitates explosion.]
Mount Etna.
That is not true.
That's not true.
Keller and I recently had a very unpleasant dealing.
I'm representing her ex in a lawsuit, and this one would rather see him strung up by his ball sack than lift a finger to help.
I that's not at all Hey, no apologies necessary.
I, for one, find a beautiful woman with a filthy mouth extremely appealing.
Are you and Mark here an item? - Uh, no, we're not.
- We just met each other.
In fact, I'm gonna I'm gonna get a refill.
- Oh, great.
Great idea.
- Would you bring me another Hey, pal, if you want to do a little do-si-do with Gloria, the gal I walked in here with, she's got quite a beaver.
What? Her coat is beaver.
Care to tell me what yours looks like? My coat is a plaid cape.
Why on earth would you want to know that? Do you really not know what kind of party this is? [lively piano music playing.]
I'm going to clear all this up about Dan.
I am.
Soon is too far away.
Virginia, there's no shame in it not working out.
In fact, there's a certain kind of honor in recognizing right at the beginning that a marriage is not meant to be and ending it.
Dan and I didn't get married.
It never got that far.
Well, you at least got to tell Bill.
He's gonna find out, Virginia.
It's better if he finds out from you.
For the life of me, I can't figure out why Helen would rather risk her parents finding out about me by accident than just sitting them down and telling them the truth.
- [doorbell rings.]
- I'll tell him.
I will.
[door clicks, man speaking indistinctly.]
No time like the present.
- Hiya, Bill.
- [Bill.]
Where are the kids? Um, Jenny's at her friend Rebecca's house, and Howie and Johnny are at Tommy Hershfeld's.
- Excuse me.
- Well, they were supposed to be with me tonight, you knew I'd made plans with them.
- You didn't think to call? - [stammers.]
It must have slipped my mind, Bill.
Excuse me.
Is there a black and white cape back there? So you made me go all the way over there? I'm sorry, Bill.
Did I selfishly inconvenience you? Did I thoughtlessly capitulate to the children without any concern for how it affected you? - Where you going? - Home.
[glass clinking.]
- [man.]
- [man.]
Oh, here we go.
Okay! Okay, everybody.
Settle down, boys and girls.
[Nancy chuckles.]
Now, before we get started, we have a few newcomers tonight.
- [woman.]
Ooh, la-la.
- So let's review the procedure.
- Art? - Okay, well, tonight it's gentlemen's choice.
- All right! - Whoo! [Art.]
No do-overs unless you get the person you came with.
Do you want to mention the twins? [man.]
Double trouble.
If Kyle and Lyle pick you, be forewarned boys? [together.]
We do everything together.
- [women all gasp.]
- [Nancy.]
So you are allowed to bow out if that's not your cup of tea.
Holy shit.
It's a fucking key party with coats.
Holy shit.
What does that mean? It means, Lester, dear, your night is about to get much better.
Everyone makes his or her way back home by 6:00? Now, Art, host's choice: you want to go first, or you want to pick last? - I want to pick first.
- [man.]
That a boy.
Guy, can I get a little drumroll, please? [suspenseful piano music.]
[laughter and light applause.]
[dramatic piano flourish.]
- [applause and laughter.]
- [woman.]
Whose is it? Who does this belong to? Whose is this? - [indistinct chatter.]
- [woman.]
Come on.
Don't be shy.
- Anyone? - [woman.]
Not mine.
- [man.]
All right.
- [excited chatter.]
Yeah, there she is.
Looks like someone's anxious to get this show on the road.
- [all laugh.]
- [man.]
Let the games begin.
Enjoy him.
It's here somewhere.
Are you sure it's on this block? I parked it near a tree.
Is that that's it.
I found it.
You're not driving.
Give me the keys.
You don't even have a license.
Well, look.
I think the options are I risk going to jail or you risk ending up in a ditch.
How long do you think they'd put you away for? Bram, was it? You'll have to forgive my tan lines.
No one on the ship warned us how strong the sun is on the equator.
[indistinct chatter.]
- Uh - [exclaims and applause.]
Anyone? Anyone? [man.]
Come on.
Don't be shy.
"Expressly for you by Miss Davenport," size six.
Honey, isn't that yours? - [woman.]
It's somebody's.
- [woman.]
Who is it? Pass.
There's no passing allowed, Adele.
Come on, Adele.
You've done this before.
Don't be a party pooper.
Uh, it It's it's okay.
She she can pass.
Thank you.
[people murmuring indistinctly.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Good one, Randy.
- [man.]
- [woman.]
Look alive, maestro.
Take the coat and don't ask questions.
Oh, I'm not here to participate in whatever this is.
[guests cheering.]
[laughter and applause.]
I was just hired to play the piano till 9:00.
I don't mean to burst your bubble, but I'm not trying to get into your pants.
Look, if it were up to me, I'd be out the door, but my ride has apparently up and disappeared right at the moment that everyone has lost their mind and decided to start playing sexual roulette.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm not sure what you're looking for from me.
I'm looking for a little moral support from the only other homo at this party.
Now take my goddamn coat.
Thank you so much.
How did you know that I was You've played "Don't Rain on My Parade" twice in the last half hour.
You might as well be wearing a flashing sign.
Moment of truth.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, my God! [applause.]
What happened to my keys? Did you actually think that this was going to happen? Oh, come on.
I saw you in that bar with a man who isn't your husband.
That is my private life.
And there are people out there Lester and Betty Who work for me.
- You work for me.
- Not here.
Here, you're a guest in my home, in my bedroom.
And I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I've got your coat.
Well, if you think that we're going to bed, you're insane.
So are you just going to stand there, or are you gonna help me find my keys? You know, I think the damage is done whether we mess around or not.
If you leave in two minutes or two hours, it's not gonna change what people think.
So that's your argument for going to bed with you? "May as well.
People already think we have.
" That means first thing tomorrow morning, you are going to disabuse each and every one of them - of that mispercep - [woman moaning.]
Is that Is that Nancy? - It is.
- [Nancy.]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! - Well, yes and no.
- [Nancy.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yes and no? I mean, technically, yes, that's her, but, uh, she's not herself.
That's not my wife.
She's someone else with him.
She's pretending.
[Nancy moaning.]
Speaking as a clinician, it sounds pretty authentic.
Well, come on.
You never pretend to be someone you're not? [muffled grunting and moaning.]
Who do you think she is with that guy that she's not with you? It's purely sexual.
It's just gears and pistons.
She doesn't care about him.
It's a game.
She'll learn something and bring it back into our bed.
[moaning and grunting continue.]
I guarantee you her eyes are closed.
What about yours when you're with someone else? Are your eyes open or closed? Closed.
I'm pretending too.
Oh, yeah? What are you pretending? To enjoy it.
- [dog barking.]
- You said you need a cab.
Phone's where it's always been.
What is wrong with you? You just left everything like this? Well, yes, I went to find out where my children had disappeared to.
Oh, and just so you know, that enclosure is not secure.
Oh, you think? - [dog barking.]
- Stop it! Baxter, you hear me? You stop your yapping! He's reacting to the tenor of your voice.
He's not reacting to the tenor of my voice! A few more decibels, perhaps the neighbors will.
You know what, Bill? You don't get to lecture me about anything.
And you don't get to blame me for everything.
You know, not everything I do deserves to be seen as a slap in the face to you.
I'm not making decisions to deliberately hurt you.
And yet you manage to.
I bought the kids a dog, Libby.
He takes up very little room, and if you weren't so focused on his chewing proclivities, you'd see he's very This is not a word I use, but cute.
There it is.
He He's not gonna behave like this forever.
Everything is hard to begin with but gets easier.
Not us.
We started easy.
Now look at us.
Do you know that there are exes out there who are actually best friends? Well, maybe that'll be us one day.
May I be frank, Bill? I fantasize about you getting decapitated.
Do you think it's possible to end up in a good place with someone whose head you imagine rolling down the street and into a sewer? Okay, what what can I fix? You know, instead of you just screaming at me, which solves nothing, what can I make better? Is this like a genie who gives you three wishes, only you're just giving me one? Fine.
You want me to clean up the pillow stuffing? That is not worth a wish.
I want you to promise not to make me the bad guy with the kids.
It's hard enough to keep them in line without you making decisions that completely undermine my authority.
And don't treat me like a piece of business that needs handling.
If you want me to postpone the divorce, you can ask me yourself.
Don't send that horrible lawyer of yours.
That's two.
I'm thinking.
Cleaning up the stuffing is still open.
I want you to go down on me.
I I'm I'm sorry? I want to know what it feels like.
And I want you to do something for me for the sole purpose of giving me pleasure.
You mean now? Right now? Here? Yes.
Right now.
[dog barking.]
But first put the dog in the bathtub.
[light instrumental music.]
Have fun, you two.
Oh, we will.
[indistinct chatter.]
[car door thuds, engine turns over.]
You all right? I don't think those appetizers sat so well.
Nothing sits well with what you've had to drink.
[jazzy piano music playing.]
You know what I had to drink? I know pretty much everything about you.
Your voice hit some register that cut through every conversation in there, kind of like a dog whistle.
- So then you heard of my o - Yeah.
Yeah, I heard all about the guy with the animal balloons.
You need to stop wallowing in it and just go punch the guy.
I have weak wrists.
Well, fine, but do something.
Be better than those people and their protest against boredom.
Be better? In case you hadn't noticed, I'll be leaving here alone.
So, apparently, not only am I not good enough for my cheating wife, but no one in there wants me either.
Well, they think a lot of themselves.
Sipping cocktails in an Ethan Allen showroom, wondering which upper-middle-class skirt is contractually obligated to go home with which Elks member.
But this isn't radical.
This is not some act of rebellion.
I work in a sex clinic.
That's the most radical thing I've done.
Radical is marching through the streets, getting roughed up by cops, getting cuts on your wrists from handcuffs.
You've been arrested? - Well, no.
- Oh.
But it's only a matter of time.
My point is, nothing radical has ever been catered.
So I'm not much of a risk taker, and you're not much of a radical.
We could change all that.
I'm totally prepared to be your worthwhile cause.
You want to change people's lives? Overturn the world order? You could start with me.
I'm just saying.
- [Betty.]
- [Guy.]
All right, together.
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed Follow my lead That's high.
Oh, how I need [together.]
Someone to watch over me That's better.
I'm an alto.
Yeah, you are, but you sound great.
Someone to watch over me As far as I am concerned, popular music died in 1943, along with Lorenz Hart.
Where have you been all my life? What is your name again? Guy.
- Enchante.
- Hmm.
- "Ghee"? - "Ghee.
" - Spell that.
- G-U-Y.
I hate to break it to you, "Ghee," but that is Guy.
- [laughs.]
- Anywho oh, it's 9:00.
It's time for you to clock out.
Can I take you home? Oh, it's been a long time since a handsome young man asked me that and even longer since I said yes.
You'll have to drop me at the office.
What? On a Friday night? What do you do for a living? Croon show tunes at swingers' parties? Ugh, I'm not going there to work.
My girlfriend's parents are in town.
Are you the carpool buddy or the office colleague? The next-door neighbor.
She'll tell them the truth when she's ready.
- Just give her some time.
- The silver lining is, every time I sleep at the office, I mark it down as overtime.
Eight hours of shut-eye in a comfy bed turns out to be quite lucrative.
What kind of an office has a bed? Oh, you don't know the half of it.
The place I work, we've got two beds.
Is the other one taken? So you're not a willing participant in any of this? Is that what you're saying? It's so impossible to believe that she's into it and I'm not? Not at all.
I'm just wondering why you do it then.
She likes me being with other women.
You're acting like this isn't something you and your husband do.
Clearly, you're okay with him being with other women.
We're talking about you.
If I'm with other women, it makes Nancy feel less guilty that she wants other men.
That's the reason? Look.
I was the one who wanted to get married.
She didn't.
She knew herself.
She knew that she wasn't a you know, a one-man woman.
So that was the deal we made.
We gave other people our bodies but kept our feelings for each other.
What? You don't think that's possible? To separate sex and love? Maybe that's too modern a concept.
Modern? Are you serious? You think that you two are breaking new ground here? Yes, of course it's possible to separate them.
Physical pleasure doesn't have to have anything to do with emotional intimacy.
I've been separating the two since since What? How old do you think I am? I sorry.
I was, uh I go to this barbershop, and the sign in the window says, "Proudly serving St.
Louis since 1925.
" It just reminded me.
For the record, I am not serving anyone.
I'm taking care of myself, partaking in pleasure when I choose to, without romantic encrumberances.
Encrumberances? - Encumbrances, maybe? - Encumbrances, yes.
Of course.
And presumably your husband's not torturing himself with thoughts of you cumming in another man's bed.
He knows not to feel threatened.
And there are infinite ways that sex can happen without love being even remotely involved.
Such as? I mean it.
I'm really asking.
Such as you want to test your wattage, see if you can turn a guy's head enough so all other women recede into the background.
And in bed, you want to be the best he's ever had so no other woman can compare.
Can you leave a mark that's indelible? That's the challenge.
You dazzle them, and then you leave them ruined.
Or you just want to get laid because it feels good or there's nothing on TV.
- [chuckles.]
- [Nancy grunting and moaning.]
Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, yes! You got any good jokes? [Nancy.]
Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Oh! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Higher.
Just talk to me about fuck! Anything.
Um Please, Virginia.
[Nancy grunting and moaning.]
Art, you're a romantic.
[Nancy gasping.]
I guess.
[Nancy moaning.]
That's [Nancy grunting.]
I'm so sorry.
[Nancy grunts.]
[Libby moaning, dog barking.]
So thanks.
Thanks? Good job? Is that better? Marginally.
So was it everything you thought? Let's not rehash it.
I'm just, uh just glad to be able to check that off my list.
Aren't you gonna help? I'm just gonna need a minute.
Is that uncomfortable? Just, you know, a tad.
Why are you still angry? Why? Because that was great.
That was great, okay? We could've been doing that for the past 20 years, and we never did it once.
Well, you didn't seem to want to try things.
I was a virgin when we married, Bill.
I only knew what you showed me, and it was so polite.
We had the most polite sex in the world.
All that was missing afterwards was a handshake and a thank-you card.
I'm sorry you were disappointed.
I wasn't.
That's my point.
I didn't know enough to be disappointed.
But you did.
You had been with other women.
You watched couples.
You saw what they did, and then you found someone else to do those things with.
Well, you did too.
As you shared with me in graphic detail.
Yeah, well, it saved my life.
You never saw the person that I was with those men.
I am actually a carnal woman, Bill.
I want a man to tear my clothes off, and I want to have sex in the shower, and if I am gonna go to a five-hour charity dinner, at some point, I want to be felt up under the goddamn table.
I would've happily felt you up.
Really? Yes.
Those were some incredibly boring dinners.
The only thing that I ever saw you be truly passionate about was your work.
I didn't demand your passion.
I just wanted you home for dinner.
Stability above all else.
It's pretty tragic, huh? No, don't say that.
- It's true.
- It It's not tragic.
We did our best.
We made three children.
And I loved you, Libby.
Maybe not the right way, maybe maybe not enough.
But I know that I loved you.
I loved you too.
[melancholy piano music.]
[creaking, heavy breathing.]
- Are you close? - Yeah.
Is there anything you want me to do? Say something sexy.
Um civil disobedience.
[cries out.]
[both breathing heavily.]
It's quiet.
That's the suburbs for you.
No, I mean you think they're finished for the night? Because if so, my job here is done.
Nancy gets stuffed up when she sleeps.
Sometimes she has this little nose whistle.
Doesn't a part of you think that if she truly loved you that you'd be enough for her? I know what I signed up for.
We made a deal.
Well, deals get renegotiated.
It'd be one thing if you were okay with it, which happens to be my situation, but clearly, you're not.
You tell me, Virginia, when is it ever absolutely equal between partners anyway? Huh? Where you both feel exactly the same thing for each other at the same time, in the same amount? If I want to, why can't I love her more than she loves me? No man's ever loved you more than you've loved him? What? Only all of them.
It sounds like I'm bragging.
I'm not.
I'm really not.
It's sad, actually.
But has it ever occurred to you, with all due respect, that maybe your wife is not all that? Maybe it's you that she's pretending with? You think you know her, but you don't.
Not really.
If you really did know her, her true self, then maybe she wouldn't be so Dazzling? I don't care.
It doesn't matter.
How can it not matter? Your husband loves you, right? And what makes you worthy of his love? Is it because your respective infidelities cancel each other out? Maybe he knows who you really are not your body in bed or your mind at work, but the secret you, the person you don't want anyone to see, much less acknowledge yourself, a woman who is fucked up, and he loves you anyway.
Isn't that true love? Someone who'll kiss your bruises the same way he kisses your lips, who's on your side, not when it's easy, but when it's damn near impossible, when you yourself don't think you deserve it? I have never been hungrier in my entire life.
Why is that? Well, you worked up an appetite.
I should probably be getting home.
You want me to drive you? I was thinking I might walk.
Bill, it's got to be, like, three miles.
It's nice this time.
Streets are empty.
It's a good time to do some thinking.
About what? About what happened here tonight.
Let's not make too much of it.
Pickle? Let's not make too little.
You know what I'd really like? I mean really, really like? Well, you haven't been too shy about asking so far.
Can you take Baxter for a pee? [Baxter whining.]
You got me into bed at last.
That was the plan all along.
Admit it.
Art, the world's only reluctant swinger, was just an act.
I know your coat, Virginia.
You wear it to the office every day.
So you picked me on purpose.
- That I did.
- Aha.
Because you wanted to go to bed with me.
Because I knew you wouldn't.
You're my boss, and bosses shouldn't sleep with their employees.
Not ever.
Isn't that right? It happens.
Sometimes it happens.
How does it happen? Perhaps you have some special insight.
I don't.
Gonna have to use your imagination.
What if we imagined together? - Why would we do that? - Mm.
Role-playing can be an effective technique.
Come on.
I'm a shrink.
Humor me a little, would you? Do I keep you late after work one night? Tell you my wife doesn't understand me, that we're essentially living like roommates? When you request a raise, do I ask for a little something in return? No.
It's not like that.
Okay, then.
What is it like? Do I proposition you? No.
You're awkward and nervous.
You do not know what you're doing.
You barely even make eye contact.
And then you take pity on me? No.
I wait until I feel something.
An attraction? Mm a shared passion.
Not for each other, not at first.
For the work.
But I'm still the boss.
I call the shots.
Maybe at first, but not for very long.
You want me to be your equal.
Have the same opportunities, the same success.
Maybe that's just a ruse to keep it going.
You believe in me.
You think I'm smart.
Maybe even smarter than you in some things.
And you trust me.
You defer to me.
You see past the person that I I pretend to be, that I present to the world Confident, competent in all things To the person I am.
Afraid that I'm average.
The ugly parts don't scare you away.
You have ugly parts? I push you away, fall in and out of bed with other men, and somehow you love me enough to let me go find my own happiness, even if it doesn't include you.
So I'm a saint.
You're broken too.
You're afraid and and insecure.
But I know all the broken places.
You've shown them to me.
So we've kissed each other's bruises.
We have.
Maybe he's the guy for you, Virginia.
["One" by Harry Nilsson.]
One is the loneliest number That you'll ever do [Lester snoring.]
Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one [phone ringing.]
[ringing continues.]
No is the saddest experience You'll ever know Hello? Uh, you've reached the Reproductive Biology Research Foundation.
Johnson? Uh [grunts.]
Let me just take a message.
She'll call you back in the morning.
Thank you.
It's just no good anymore Since you went away [woman.]
Hello, may I have the number for the Checker Cab Company, please? You had them all along? I'm sorry.
Forgive me? One is the loneliest number That you'll ever know One is the loneliest number One is the loneliest number I hope you're capable of changing your ways.
Otherwise, I really don't think this arrangement is gonna last.
[knocking at door.]
This is not a reprieve.
Libby left her coat.
I'll see that she gets it.
Thank you.
Okay, then.
Bill? Bill, there's something that I need to tell you.
Dan and I aren't married.
We never got married.
The reasons are complicated.
And I know that I should've told you this sooner, but it was just never the right time, and then it it got away from me.
I know.
You know? Yeah, I've known for a while.
I'm I'm really sorry.
What are you sorry for? I'll see you at the office, Virginia.
Drive safely.
Ohh, oh, oh, oh [song ends.]
[birds chirping.]