McMillan & Wife (1971) s01e02 Episode Script

Murder by the Barrel

(Sally) Uh, co-could you stop, just the way l, uh Uh, sir, l Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I haven't marked that one yet.
If you don't mind, lady, this weighs a few pounds.
I'm sorry, you shouldn't have picked it up so fast.
I'm about to drop it even faster.
All right, I'm finished, thank you.
Oh, that's beautiful, lady.
Early Halloween.
I've got another one here for you, Mrs.
McMillan.
Thank you.
Gee, what a nice ring.
Why, thank you.
It's a lodge ring.
Oh, it's still very tasteful.
Not large.
It's a lodge, lodge ring.
Although it is kind of large.
Oh, it's not large for a lodge ring.
I've seen larger lodge rings.
It's very lovely.
Well, I'd better get this on the truck.
Excuse me.
(Pylant) All right, come on, Logan.
Let's move it, eh.
Where do we send the bill, Commissioner? To you or to the city? To me.
The city can't afford it.
Ah, well, in that case, we'll try to finish on time.
You look awful.
Thank you.
Why do you say that? Because you look awful.
Oh, well, as long as you have a reason.
My reason is that I've gone two whole nights without any sleep.
I know.
I'm sorry that my packing kept you awake, Mac.
It's just that the movers told me Friday that we'd move on T uesday and Wednesday became Thursday and Friday became impossible because of the extra-- Sally, it's okay.
Promise me one thing when we get in the new house.
Okay, what? Get 'em to set up the bed first.
Absolutely.
I wouldn't have it any other way myself because there are certain initiation rites expected in a new home.
Mmm-hmm.
And then we'll get some sleep, huh.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Oh, hello there, Fred.
Morning, Commissioner.
[engine starting] Hey, lady.
Ain't you afraid he might end up in the wrong house? Pardon me? You forgot to put your mark on him.
You wanna bet? [clearing throat] Okay, lady.
Okey-doke.
Sign right here, please.
Why? Are you leaving? I haven't even checked all these boxes.
Yeah.
Well, I have.
We picked up 34, we delivered 34.
Well, at least let me make sure that they all have my mark on them.
Lady, it's been a long day, and I've gotta bowl in 45 minutes.
And I'd like to put a little something in here first.
Looks like somebody already beat you to it.
[truck driving away] Hey, I found one that doesn't bear my mark! Hey, wait a minute! You forgot one of your barrels.
[mumbling] [sighs] They don't only give me the wrong barrel, they give me a barrel that's damaged.
[screaming] [Sally banging on door] (Sally) Help me.
Please, somebody! Hello, there.
Sorry.
I'm your new neighbor.
Mine isn't working, I have to use yours.
Of course.
Right down the hall to the left.
Not the bathroom, I need to use your telephone.
I'm sorry, it's right here.
Do you want me to leave the room? No, don't leave me.
That's what I had in mind.
How about a drink? (Sally) I want the police.
Oh.
You better do the dialing.
Lady, you look like you've just seen a ghost.
It's no ghost.
It was the real thing.
I just unpacked a corpse.
A corpse? Here, drink.
Do you use this number often? I try not to call more than once a day, but sometimes I can't help myself.
Here, let me talk.
(Anne) Commissioner McMillan's office.
Commissioner McMillan, please.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Deams.
The last three things I said into your machine were lies.
You're sure they were lies? Terrible lies.
Then you're an exceptional liar, Commissioner.
It works fine with your regular liar.
[phone buzzing] Yes, Anne.
Mrs.
McMillan on line two, sir.
urgent.
Yes, Sally? Mac? There's a dead man in one of our barrels.
What? It was horrible, Mac.
All my precautions, and then they did mix 'em up.
It wasn't marked, but it was seeping, so I opened it, and there he was, Mac.
In my barrel.
Well, in his barrel.
It wasn't my barrel, it wasn't marked.
Uh, Mac, you better get home.
Where are you calling from? I don't know.
Next door.
Next door.
All right, I'm on my way.
Listen to me.
Don't go back into that house until I get there.
Get a squad car over to the house right away.
Get my phones installed.
(man) Is he always that nice? I'd like to hang on to that number.
Always.
That's why I married him.
Oh, I see.
Well, it'll take him a few minutes to get here, even with your connection.
Why don't you finish your drink? If you don't like it, I'll make a triple stinger.
Gloria Shaw, who lived in your house, couldn't get through the day without one of my triple stingers.
Thanks anyway.
My husband will be here.
He always takes care of everything.
I was afraid of that.
[police siren blaring] Hi, you all right? I'm all right.
He's in the living room by the fireplace.
You can't miss him.
Yeah, we'll take care of everything.
Mac? Sally.
Are you all right? I'm okay.
It's just kind of hard to go back in there.
Are you sure you're all right? I'm okay.
It wasn't one of our barrels, Mac, because it didn't have my little mark on it.
That's reassuring.
Sergeant.
Oh, Mrs.
McMillan, is there another fireplace? Another one? No.
I told you, it's right It was right there.
No.
It was right here.
Here's my book.
It was on top of the barrel when I opened it.
It was right on top and then it fell off like that.
How did you open it, Sally? What did you use? The poker.
And then I dropped it right beside the barrel.
Is this the poker, Mrs.
McMillan? Yes, this is what I opened the barrel with.
And then I dropped it right there.
I didn't put it back in place.
There was a barrel.
And it wasn't mine because it wasn't marked.
It was seeping and it was damp.
All over this floor.
It was damp.
And there was a man inside and he was dead.
You believe me, don't you, Mac? Don't you, Mac? Don't you? (Mac) Remember how we found this? Saturday afternoon, walking through the woods.
It started raining, couldn't find the car.
We found the barn, hid in the hayloft, remember? Under the hay, we found this.
Original Vanocer.
Today, in any gallery, this painting would bring $10.
You do believe me about there being a corpse here, don't you, Mac? We're checking with the moving company and with Missing Persons.
Now, would I do all that if I didn't believe you? Yes, you'd do it anyway.
You'd do it to make me feel better.
How would you feel if I didn't do it? Terrible.
I feel better.
[banging on door] [whispering] Mac, what was that? [whispering] I'll bet you it's somebody at the front door.
[whispering] No bet, I don't want to win.
Oh, Sergeant Enright, I'm glad it's you.
Thank you very much, Mrs.
McMillan.
Commissioner, I checked with the owner of that moving company.
He'd left, but I talked to him on the phone.
What did he say? He was quite upset.
Said he didn't know how such a thing had happened.
We're to meet him at 8:00.
Pick me up at 7:30.
What about Missing Persons? Oh, I brought these along to show Mrs.
McMillan.
Here you are.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Any luck with fingerprints? No, sir.
Those fresh fingerprints, they all belonged here.
What about the van itself? It did make some other stops, sir, but we'll have the list in the morning.
Mrs.
McMillan, that corpse that wasn't here, how long do you think that man could have been dead? Well, I don't know.
All I can tell you is it looked yuck.
About how long is yuck? It's not as long as yurghh.
But shorter than bleghh? Oh, no, it wasn't bleghh.
I'd say he'd been dead about a day, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
[wood creaking] Ssh, listen.
[door closing] Now, did you hear that or not? Stand back, Mrs.
McMillan.
Sergeant Enright, you're still here? Warthheimer, are you still here? Yeah.
Well, you said to check it out thoroughly.
Did you find anything, Sergeant? As a matter of fact, Commissioner, I'm afraid I did.
Of course you did.
Now tell him.
You got serious trouble with that water heater.
I don't like the looks of the whole plumbing system.
I take it you didn't find a body in the basement.
A body, sir? No.
But I checked everything, including the furnace.
Now, that's a good furnace.
I'll take you to the station, you can check our plumbing.
About that plumbing, uh, I moonlight.
I can give you a very good price.
And the work is guaranteed.
(Mac) Thank you.
We'll keep you in mind.
[door closing] Now, honey, I know this has been rough for you.
Your first day in our new home and everything.
Try not to let it prey on your mind.
You know you tend to be superstitious.
I'm not superstitious.
Do you think we could get the lease on this house annulled? And how do you get a lease annulled? By not sleeping here, of course.
That way, the deal isn't consummated.
Sally, if anything should happen to me, promise me you'll never, ever [laughing] go into real estate.
I promise.
Okay.
Then why don't we stop thinking about the barrel that didn't belong to us and concentrate on all these that do.
Right, I'm going to forget about the barrels and I'm going to concentrate on dinner.
Good idea, I'll make us a drink.
Remember which barrel you put the dinner in? In the dinner barrel.
Good, where's the drink barrel? Thanks, Mac.
For what? Just thanks.
(Sally) Mac! [grunts] Yeah.
Mac! What's wrong? It's missing.
It's not here.
What? The dinner? The barrel with Aunt Sophie's china.
Do you realize what that means? We eat on paper plates? The killer got our china.
Don't you see? We got his corpse and he got our china.
Not necessarily.
That's one way to look at it, but anyway we can't eat dinner in our new home without Aunt Sophie's china.
Sure we can.
We just won't tell her.
Well, that's not right.
We've always had our first dinner in our new home on Aunt Sophie's china every time we've moved.
Well, as long as you're not superstitious.
Ha.
(Sally) Mac, supposing that the killer wanted to put the body in storage and it ended up in our house by mistake, then it stands to reason that our china is in storage at the warehouse.
(Mac) Possibly.
If the body was delivered to us by mistake, the dishes could have been delivered to any one of several clients by mistake.
Then whoever got my china must have realized that I got his corpse.
Which proves there was a corpse, since my china's missing.
Hi, Mac.
Oh, hi.
Mac.
Hmm.
If the killer was having the corpse stored, then how did he know so quickly that there had been a mistake made? (Mac) He obviously had a connection with the moving company.
(Sally) Exactly.
You already thought of it.
Yeah, but we'll check out both possibilities.
Someone intimately connected with the moving company or someone who might have bribed a mover.
Do you know that sometimes I think you could get along perfectly well without me.
I'd never risk it.
Why did you put everything back? Oh, because of, uh, "Hi, Mac.
" [chuckles] [whispering] Mac.
What did you say? What's Pylant doing here? He said he was going to eat first and then bowl.
Good evening.
Well, hello, Commissioner.
I didn't recognize you in your bowling shirt.
Yeah, I'm a little late.
I gotta run.
Are you aware that a dead body was found in our house, in your barrel? [stuttering] Don't try to, don't try to pin anything on me, I just pick up and deliver.
Pickup and deliver.
And bowl.
Stick around, Pylant.
We want to talk to you in the morning.
Yes, sir.
I thought you were worried about your waistline.
I'm hoping it'll go somewhere else.
If I were you, I wouldn't change a thing.
(Sally) I'm sorry the bedroom's not in order, Mac.
I know I promised.
(Mac) Under the circumstances, I'll give you one more day.
Thanks.
Get a good night's sleep.
I know you need it.
[Sally and Mac kissing] [Mac sighing] Hmm, wow, is that bright.
Is that the moon or the sun? I don't know.
I'm new in the neighborhood.
The new curtains aren't ready yet.
I could get the old ones tomorrow.
I'll just wait.
At least it's romantic.
I have an idea.
[whispering] Mac.
Mac.
Hmm.
(Sally) Somebody's out there.
Where? He's gone.
Probably somebody just walking home late.
There was somebody out there, Mac.
I believe you, honey.
[metal rattling] Mac.
Did you hear that? I heard you go, "Mac.
" Well, did you hear what made me go, "Mac"? No.
Oh.
Are you cold? A little, yeah.
Do you have any more blankets? Not unpacked.
I could take it off the window.
You just hung it up.
Well, you got two options.
You could be warm with light in your eyes or you can be cold with no light in your eyes.
Pick one.
Well, get the blanket.
Mac.
You know that man who was going home late? He's going home a little later than you think.
He's still there.
There was somebody a minute ago.
Like to spend the night at a hotel? Of course not.
If you're nervous staying here, say so.
There was a man out there.
I don't doubt that.
He probably takes a stroll along here every night.
At this hour? Come on, Sally, let's go to a hotel.
No, I'm fine.
I can sleep now.
Yeah? Swell.
First one asleep, let out a whistle, okay? [whistling] [metal rattling] Mac, there's definitely something or someone out there.
You want me to go down and look? Please.
Sally.
What? I think I've been struck blind.
Oh, I put that on you so you can sleep better.
And then woke me to see if it was working? Maybe we better call the police.
How? Phone hasn't been connected, remember? Here, put this on.
Take this, you might need it as a weapon.
Thanks.
If I catch someone, I'll hang them in the closet.
Good luck.
[grunting] Are you all right, Mac? [metal rattling] [pipes rattling] [air escaping] [air stops escaping] There was no one down there, Sally.
But I heard him, Mac.
You heard pressure in the pipes.
Warthheimer was right, we have got a plumbing problem.
Why are you getting dressed? Because we are going to a hotel, period.
No, we're not.
This is our new home.
We won't be driven out of it by a bunch of ghouls running around playing musical corpse.
Go to sleep, Mac.
You're not going to hear another sound out of me, I promise.
[door creaking] Mac.
[pipe rattling] [screaming] (Sally) Mac! Mac! Mac! What's up? He ran out the door.
[panting] Here I go again.
I did see him, Mac.
What did he look like? I don't know.
I was too frightened.
You all right? What are we going to do, Mac? It's so creepy here.
No luggage? (Mac) No luggage.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Stewart McMillan.
Funny.
Our police commissioner has the same name.
That's funny.
Shall I get a boy to show you to your room? No thanks.
We'll find it.
Yes, sir.
I'm sure you will.
And I'd like to leave a 6:30 wake-up call, please.
Oh, yes, sir.
Whatever you say, sir.
You know what that clerk is thinking.
Hmm.
Nice, isn't it? We ought to stay in hotel rooms more often.
I'm not sure my reputation could stand it.
We're married now.
Not as far as he's concerned.
Do you think we fooled him? Isn't that great? You remember how it used to be before we got married? Only then, hotel clerks thought we were married.
Ha, ha, that's what you think.
[chuckles] [phone ringing] Hello? Yeah.
Thank you.
That was our wake-up call.
[humming] [phone ringing] Hello? Oh, yes.
Good morning, Commissioner.
No, I was just about to go out.
Huh? A hotel? Yeah, sure.
I can pick you up.
Yeah.
Oh, listen, Commissioner, there's a side entrance to that particular hotel.
It's not used very much.
I thought maybe you'd like to, you know, slip out quietly without The front door? Okay, yeah.
I'm on my way.
Bye.
We could make an adjustment, Mr.
McMillan.
That's all right, how much is it? $24, sir.
Good morning, Commissioner.
Morning.
Hi, Sergeant.
Oh, Mrs.
McMillan, good morning.
(Sally) You seemed surprised to see me.
(Enright) Well, it is an early hour, Mrs.
McMillan.
Sergeant, I would never let my husband Ieave a hotel at this hour alone.
What might people think? Oh, no, not the Commissioner.
I mean, who would think that he'd Yeah, you're right.
Should we drop Mrs.
McMillan off at the house, sir? No, she's going with us.
She's anxious to find out if we can locate her china.
One of our barrels was missing.
I see.
What have you found out, Enright? We're off to see Mr.
Buchanan, who runs the moving company, sir.
We've searched both kinds of barrels in storage there and there's none with a body in it.
What do you mean both kinds? It seems here are two kinds of barrels, sir.
There are storage barrels and shipping barrels.
The barrels we received are shipping barrels? Right.
I found it's not possible to store a shipping barrel, but a shipping barrel you can store.
I'm not sure I follow that.
Let me simplify.
There are two kinds of barrels.
There are shipping barrels and there are storage barrels.
A shipping barrel you can store and ship, but a storing barrel you can only ship, I mean store.
You can ship a shipping and store a shipping.
For storing you can only ship.
I mean, store.
You can ship a shipping barrel and store a storing barrel, but can't ship a storing barrel? Right.
No, you can store and ship a shipping barrel, but you can't ship a storing barrel.
(Buchanan) No, Mrs.
McMillan, you have it twisted.
You can ship a storing barrel, but you cannot store a shipping barrel.
Why is that, Mr.
Buchanan? Because shipping barrels are not as sturdy as storage barrels.
So storage can be shipped but shipping can't be stored.
So then the body was probably in a storage barrel, right? I would say there would be no way of knowing, without seeing the barrel.
In this case, the distinction is rather irrelevant, wouldn't you say? Irrelevant, Mr.
Buchanan? It could indicate whether the killer wanted to ship the body or not.
If they knew the difference between shipping and storage barrels.
Actually, the whole thing is hard to believe.
If it weren't the Commissioner himself, I would say it was absolutely incredible.
I mean, there was a body, but there isn't a body.
Mr.
Buchanan, Mrs.
McMillan is a trained observer.
Thank you.
Compared to your average woman.
Now, could we get on with it? Of course.
I have the names you requested.
We've been checking all morning.
Thank you.
Give these to the Commissioner.
Hi, Mac.
Oh, hi.
Kitty Winters.
Oh, you know my wife, Sally.
No.
Well, this is my wife, Sally.
How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? [inaudible] (Buchanan) The van with your goods made a total of seven deliveries yesterday.
We followed your instructions and haven't contacted any of the people involved.
You have the names and addresses of the people who had items stored yesterday.
As far as our drivers are concerned, your men have already spoken to them.
We're running a complete background check on all of them now, sir.
Guido Barteloni.
I once defended a Guido Barteloni.
He was a bookie.
You don't run across a name like that very often.
Or a face like that.
He had a scar from his ear right down to his chin.
(Buchanan) Anything else I can do, Commissioner? No, Mr.
Buchanan.
We've taken up enough of your time.
Thank you very much.
I'm sure we'll locate your dishes momentarily, Mrs.
McMillan.
If they come before dinner, call me up.
I'll pick them up myself.
I'll go get the drapes.
That's a good idea.
It always hurts when I can't remember a face.
I know, dear.
Of course, I remember.
I defended her once in court.
What for? Assault with deadly weapons? Let's go see Barteloni.
Oh, life without a man.
I tell you, Commissioner, no woman should be expected to live through it.
I'll take that, sir.
When my Guido was alive, he wouldn't even let me lift so much as a sack of groceries.
He wouldn't let me go to the Laundromat alone.
Mrs.
Barteloni, how long has Guido been gone? I buried him last November.
What a man.
Never late for dinner.
I make gnocchi for him every Thursday, just like the old country.
Now, we never have gnocchi on Thursdays.
How did he die? He was murdered.
The mob got him while he was on a trip.
The third machine on the left.
Here.
I'm sorry about Guido.
I, I always liked him.
He was innocent when I defended him.
I know that.
Oh, he was.
He didn't become a bookie till later.
He learnt so much about bookie operations from you, he decided to become one.
From me? Oh, the loneliness, Commissioner.
The terrible loneliness.
And I hold you responsible.
If you hadn't done such a good job defending Guido, he'd be in prison now, safe.
(Mac) Just put it in the expense account.
What'll I put? "Laundromat, 25 cents"? What did it cost? That's what it cost.
Well, then put it down.
Okay.
Who else do we have? Well, two pretty good possibilities.
There's a Mrs.
Sherman.
Her husband disappeared some days ago.
And Jim Wainright, the baseball player.
His roommate dropped out of sight a couple of weeks ago.
Both had barrels on that truck.
Let's save time and split up.
I'll take Sherman.
I'll take Wainright.
(Sally) Oh, thanks for letting me in, Mrs.
Abernathy.
I'll get these drapes back in a week.
Maybe it'll help with the sale.
Don't bother, Mrs.
McMillan.
The house will probably sell easier without them.
[tittering] (Wainright) Watch out! What's the matter with you? The wind currents are murder.
Listen, what was in that barrel that you lost? My glove.
This chick helped me pack, she put my glove with the stuff to be stored.
Dumb broad.
We're on our way to Venezuela.
Winter tour.
But I'm not going anywhere without that glove.
Say, listen, hey, I understand that you roomed with Kenny Williams.
Yeah.
Watch out! Hey, didn't Kenny cut out a couple of weeks before the season ended? Look, none of that stuff is true.
He's not running from gamblers.
Do you have a picture of Kenny that I could have? I don't carry one in my wallet if that's what you mean.
But where could I get one? Yeah.
Take 25 cents and your favorite box top, and you Okay, I'll get you one.
[hitter batting] Watch out! [tram bell ringing] (Mac) We're not sure, Mrs.
Sherman.
There's every possibility it isn't your husband.
I'd like to know for sure, either way.
If he's dead, at least I know where he is.
Do you have a photograph of him? No, as a matter of fact, I don't.
Not even a snapshot? Anything? Anything? Well, there he is.
That's Gustav.
I did say anything.
Personally, I think it's too flattering.
That's the danger with self-portraits.
May I borrow it for a while? As long as you bring it back tomorrow.
I understand.
It means a great deal to you.
Oh, you bet it does.
I got a buyer.
(Sally) Mildred, you got a great pair of legs.
You know, I haven't thought about them in years.
Think it's too late to do anything with them? We'll concentrate on your legs tomorrow, and your room today.
Forget about my room.
I'll sleep over at my sister's again tonight.
She loves having me.
She's only got one room.
Where does her husband sleep? Out.
That's why she loves having me.
Oh, Mildred, I don't think these dishes are going to stay up.
You mean drapes.
I said drapes.
Didn't l? Uh-uh.
You said "dishes.
" Look, I know how you feel about those dishes.
I had nice dishes once.
You can't get them out of your mind.
You get your dishes, you've got your home.
I'll take care of these.
Oh, no.
I'm going to stay and help you.
Mrs.
McMillan, these drapes won't stay up unless I can get this rod reinforced.
It'll take time.
I'll call Newman's Hardware.
No phone.
Well, there must be a hardware store in the neighborhood.
Yes.
One block away, right around the corner.
I'll go.
I can use some fresh air.
Okay.
What's the matter? I haven't got any money.
Do you? $1.
Charge it.
We don't have a charge account.
Open one.
Right.
Oh, they'll want references.
Have them call me.
(both) No phone.
Well, hope you can get 'em for $1.
Well, if it costs any more, I'll use my good legs.
Go look for your dishes.
Okay.
(Mildred) I'm leaving, Mrs.
McMillan.
Don't forget to get your dishes.
Goodbye.
[screams] Move it.
Why is your husband lookin' for me? Maybe if I knew who you were, I could Barteloni! Will you answer me? Oh, he thinks that you're the man in the barrel.
What? Well, he thinks that you're Well, he thinks that It's very complicated.
Who's the scooter? What? The scooter, the--the--the cop.
Sgt.
Enright.
That's the kitchen? Uh-huh.
Is there a back door to it? Uh-huh.
Now, you keep your mouth shut.
Keep it shut.
Sergeant Enright.
There was a man and he's got a gun.
I'll take care of it.
It's Barteloni! Barteloni? Barteloni.
You're sure? Yes.
Barteloni.
(Sally) Guido Barteloni.
Sally, it couldn't have been Barteloni.
Why? Why couldn't it have been Barteloni? Because Barteloni's dead.
Very dead.
Dead? Buried last November.
That's dead.
That's why you had a funny look on your face and wouldn't say anything until my husband got home.
You must have thought I was crazy.
Well, l He did look like Guido Barteloni, Mac.
He didn't say he was.
But he didn't say he wasn't.
And he had that, um Sally, I told you this morning that Barteloni had a scar.
To a mind under strain, any man with a scar could be Guido Barteloni.
The mind works in very strange ways.
My mind's on overtime.
Maybe, I could help by going to Headquarters and looking at mug shots.
Don't.
We deliver.
Enright, order all shots of men with scars and get them back here as soon as you can.
I was going to the warehouse and look for my china, but I'll stay here if you like.
No.
No.
It'll take a couple of hours to pick the shots.
You take the car and driver.
I'll go with Enright.
Okay, thanks.
But before you go, see if this picture means anything.
Is this the man in the barrel? No, but that picture belongs in a barrel.
It's terrible.
Who is it? Sherman.
It's a self-portrait.
Whoa, he must hate himself.
I don't know, Mac, I can't tell from a painting.
Okay, how about him? Was he in the barrel? Hey, that's Kenny Williams! Where did you get a picture of Kenny Williams? Was that the man in the barrel, Sally? No.
Uh, oh, I don't know.
Oh, Mac, I couldn't say for sure, yes or no, on anybody.
I looked and I screamed.
And when you scream, you scrunch up your eyes [screams] See? Where did you get the picture? Oh, from Jim Wainright.
Oh, I'm surprised there aren't dart holes in it.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, Wainright hates Williams.
The only reason he'd have a picture of him is if he wanted it for target practice.
They went at each other last July.
Oh, it was fantastic.
Williams nearly took off Wainright's head with a fastball and that was only batting practice.
And then Wainright went at him with the bat.
He missed.
He never was much of a hitter.
He could be costing us the pennant.
Thanks, Sally.
Go dish hunting.
Bye, Mac.
So long, scooter.
[door opening] [door closing] What did she call you? Oh, I think "snooker.
" No.
Scooter.
Yeah, scooter.
Barteloni called cops "scooter.
" So? Oh, no, Commissioner, Barteloni's dead.
Get a court order.
We'll exhume the body, if there is a body.
(Enright) Can I use your phone, sir? No phone.
In your car.
And, uh, put a tail on Sally.
She's the only one who can identify the corpse and the killer might know that.
Right, sir.
Commissioner, it'll take about an hour to get that court order.
Why don't we use the time wisely at Sam's? You could use some steam and a rubout.
Rubdown.
Sorry.
[chuckles] Mr.
Pylant, how was your game? I didn't bowl very well, as long as you ask.
I'm sorry I asked.
Will you get goin', Pylant? We've got a schedule to make.
That's my foreman, Mr.
Dickerson.
This is Mrs.
McMillan, the Commissioner's wife.
Mrs.
McMillan, well, your dishes ain't here.
We looked.
Would you mind if I looked? We're way behind.
Your husband's people kept Pylant down at headquarters for two hours.
I ain't got a man to spare to go with you.
Well, I could do it.
I'd know my barrel in a minute.
It's got my little face on it.
Look, I got my orders and I follow them.
No unauthorized personnel allowed in the warehouse.
Orders? I thought that you were the boss.
[Pylant chuckling] Him? No.
Bein' foreman don't make you the boss.
Grey is the head man.
Who's Grey? I thought Mr.
Buchanan was the owner.
(Pylant) Well, they're partners.
Buchanan takes care of the office, Grey runs the warehouse.
Where is Mr.
Grey? May I speak with him, please? If you can find him, go ahead.
He isn't expected back today? He's expected to be here all the time.
But since he ain't shown up for three days, it ain't likely he's going to be here.
He's missing? (Pylant) No, he's not missing.
Well, if he hasn't been here for three days and you don't know where he is Well, he's just like that, lady.
He takes off sometimes.
And nobody cares? Buchanan cares.
He'd fire him if he wasn't a partner.
Thank you.
What did I say to get her acting like that? [tram bell ringing] [walkie-talkie beeping] Brady here.
Sam's? Okay.
Thank you.
Mr.
McMillan's secretary called.
He's at Sam's if you need him.
That's where we're going.
Who's Sam? It's a steam room a couple of blocks from Headquarters.
Have I met Sam? I don't think so.
He's been dead several years.
Well, that wouldn't stop me.
Mac.
Mac.
Mac.
[whispering] Where are you? Sally, what are you doing here? I just came from the warehouse.
Guess who's missing.
Buchanan's partner.
Guess who's in front of you.
Sgt.
Enright.
Oh, I didn't see you, Sergeant.
I'd like to keep it that way.
(Sally) You're right, of course.
Uh, maybe I could get you a towel.
That is my towel.
Oh, uh, out.
Out.
That's what I got to do.
Which is the way out, Mac? Through the door.
Through the door.
You're always right, the door.
It was nice to see you, Sergeant.
Uh, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
It's after 6:00, sir.
They're probably closed.
We'll see.
Mr.
Davidson, what are you doing here? Oh, a little of this, a little of that.
Oh.
This is our new neighbor, Mr.
Davidson.
This is my husband, Commissioner McMillan.
You're 9223299.
I never forget a number.
Excuse me.
[knife scraping] (Mrs.
Sherman) He won't bother me anymore.
(Buchanan) Here.
Let me give you a hand with that.
I need a little help with mine, too.
(Buchanan) Commissioner.
What are you doing here? I was thinking of asking all of you the same thing.
Uh, uh, Mr.
Wainright and Mrs.
Sherman called me after you interviewed them.
They wanted to look through their stored things.
Mr.
Wainright wanted a baseball glove.
A baseball glove.
And why are you here, Mrs.
Sherman? I'm looking for my husband's gold-plated baby shoes.
When it comes to sentiment, I'm a regular dishrag.
[phone ringing] Car phone.
Mr.
Buchanan, we just passed our new neighbor, Mr.
Davidson.
Do you know him? Davidson? He's our accountant.
I'd like to see a picture of Mr.
Grey.
Bob Grey? Your partner.
Oh, may I ask why you want to see a picture of Mr.
Grey? Yes.
You may ask.
Do you have one? Oh, if you're thinking that Well, it just couldn't be.
I spoke to him this morning, from Mexico City.
It's okay at the cemetery, sir.
I'd like to see the picture, Mr.
Buchanan.
Certainly.
Certainly.
(Sally) No, it wasn't Grey.
I know he didn't have a beard.
How could he have been in the barrel if he was in Mexico City? Have Communications check that call.
You didn't believe him? I don't believe anybody in a murder case.
I believe you.
You don't believe me.
I believe you.
He believes you.
It was me that didn't believe you.
You do now? I believe so.
Yes, ma'am.
Sergeant Enright.
Your court order.
That's the casket.
Okay.
Open her up.
No body.
No body.
No body.
Nobody.
Well, I guess that's it.
We'll cover it up in the morning.
That's all for tonight.
So Barteloni is alive and well and living, and we don't know where.
My apologies.
My acceptance.
[clicking] There's someone over in those bushes.
(Mac) You sure? Pretty sure.
There's something under me.
A body! (Mac) Don't panic.
[screams] It's moving! Sally, it's me.
Oh, Mac.
No offense, but this is one of the few things I don't want to share with you.
Stay down.
You'll be safe.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't be caught dead here.
Where are you going? To help Enright.
Now, stay down.
Ssh.
Ssh.
[screams] Oh, Sally, it's me.
[gun firing] It's going to be all right.
Stay down there.
My knees won't bend.
[gun firing] (Mac) Enright.
He's headed toward the mausoleum.
Enright! [guns firing] [gun firing] Oh, Mac, I'm so glad you're back.
[Sally screams] [gun firing] [grunts] [car engine starting] [tires screeching] I'm sorry, sir, but I think we've lost him.
Mac, are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
You all right? Yes, I'm all right.
Enright, are you all right? Yes, I'm all right.
(Mac) Well, anyway, everyone's all right.
Well, where do we go from here? As far away as possible.
The trouble with this case is, all we know is what we don't know.
What don't we know? We don't know who shot at us and who was in the barrel, and why Barteloni played dead.
And why Grey, Sherman, and Kenny Williams are missing.
We do know we have 3 suspects, don't we? Right.
Mrs.
Sherman, Wainright, and what's-his-name at the warehouse.
Buchanan.
Buchanan.
The interesting aspect about this case is that it's not your conventional whodunit.
What we have here is a who-did-they-do-it-to? If we could find out who they did it to, we could figure out whodunit.
That makes sense.
Casket splinters.
You're lucky you got yours where you got 'em.
Would you like to join us for dinner, Sergeant? Oh, no, thank you, Mrs.
McMillan.
I think I'll go home and fall into bed.
I'll have dinner in the morning.
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night.
Good night, Sergeant.
Oh, Commissioner? Yeah? About those splinters, sir.
They were shooting at her.
I believe so.
The killer's nervous.
He thinks Sally can identify the body.
We were right to have a tail put on her.
Have a good night's rest, Sergeant.
Thank you.
Nothing could stop me now.
Good night.
Good night.
It's another one of Mildred's famous missives.
"Hiffle, gone to Massachusetts.
"Grapes upon the broom.
Phoo neck.
" First one: "Hiffle, gone to Massachusetts.
" "Hiffle": Hi, folks.
"Gone to Massachusetts" MassachuMach Ch My sister's.
Gone to my sister's.
"Grapes upon the broom.
" "Grapes upon the broom.
" I know.
Drapes are in the bedroom.
How did you know that? "Hiffle" is always "Hi, folks.
" As for the drapes, that's what Mildred and l were working on today.
I think you're bluffing.
All right, "phoo neck.
" Let me see it.
Let me see it.
"Phoo neck.
Phoo neck.
Phoo neck.
Phoo" The phone's okay.
The phone's okay.
[dial tone buzzing] The phone's working.
Good, let's go to bed.
Mac.
What were you and Sgt.
Enright whispering about? Oh, we weren't talking about anything.
Mac, you can tell me.
I won't be nervous.
We think they're trying to kill you.
Don't tell me.
I'll be nervous.
Sit down.
Everything's gonna be all right, Sally.
Put it in writing.
Okay.
[pipes rattling] There it goes again.
Wait a minute.
Let me get it.
That way, I'll learn how to handle it till we get a new heater.
Mac, which one of these thingamajigs do you turn? (Sally) Mac! Mac! What? Barteloni! He's dead.
Barteloni's alive.
Somebody killed him.
Look! Look! [phone ringing] I won't answer you.
I don't have to, I'm off duty.
Yes, I have to.
I'm a cop.
I wish I were a doctor.
Then I wouldn't have to answer you.
Hello.
Yes, Commissioner, this is Oh, yes, sir.
Of course I'm awake.
In fact, I was doing my pushups.
What? Yes, sir.
I'll be right over.
What were you doing here, Guido? What happened? I'm waiting for you.
I hear steps.
Then someone comes up from behind me.
Next, you're carrying me up from the basement.
About what time did you get here? What time? About 7:00.
That was just before we went to the grave.
I'm sorry.
Who died? You did, Guido.
We were digging you up.
Well, it's all over.
It was nice while it lasted.
Why were you dead? Camouflage.
The mob was after me.
I didn't want to make book any more.
I'd had it up to here.
I figured once I was dead, everything would be easy, you know, for the missus and me.
Once I was dead, life could begin all over again.
Huh.
Huh.
But the Commissioner had to come and look for me.
And I had to come around and look for you to tell you to lay off.
Commissioner.
Can you give a description of the man who attacked you? He was not too tall, not too big, not too wide.
Just your average run-of-the-mill attacker.
Yeah.
(Enright) Commissioner.
Yeah.
You were right, sir.
The previous owner must have built a wine cellar.
Guess the maid was a booze hound.
Anything else? Yeah.
Barrel marks, rust.
Killer couldn't get away with the barrel the first time.
So must have hid it down there.
And he must have come for it tonight.
Commissioner, I hate to ask this, but can I go home to bed? See you in the morning.
Thanks.
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night.
Good night.
If you don't need me any more We were about to have dinner.
Have you eaten? Lady, I've just been choked.
Would you join us? It would be too much trouble.
No trouble.
Dessert? Why not? [chuckling] Uh, waiter, do you have any of that bisque tortoni? It's good for the throat.
No, sir.
We don't.
Well, then skip it.
May I have the check, please? What are you staring at? Uh? Oh.
His ring.
The guy that choked me had a ring like that.
Waiter! I remember.
Was it gold, with a red and blue design? Remember if it looked like something he might have had in college? (Sally) Logan had a ring like that.
[sighing] [phone ringing] Hello.
Yes, this is Sgt.
Enright speaking.
No, Commissioner, I'm not asleep.
I'm wide awake, sir.
Logan? Yeah? Yes, sir.
That's--That's, uh, that's very interesting, sir.
Seems to me that the question really is, who is Logan working for? Huh? Yes.
Yeah.
I think that would be a very good idea, sir.
Excellent.
Yeah, so, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll, uh, I'll find out where--where Logan lives and then I'll pick you up.
Yes, sir.
In about 20 minutes or so, okay? Right, Commissioner.
I'm on my way.
Mac, do you think it was Logan? I didn't say that.
You're thinking that.
A ring is kind of slim evidence.
But things are beginning to fit together.
Such as? Such as, if it was Logan, he was in the house to get his barrel.
Nobody saw the barrel being taken out because no barrel was taken.
Of course.
He hid it in the wine room.
When he came back for it he stumbled into Barteloni and slugged him.
There are two men on duty, you'll be okay.
Go to bed.
Where are you going? To see Logan.
Enright's coming after me.
After what I've just heard and what's happened, I only go to bed in that bed when you're in bed.
[knocking on door] Sally.
You made good time.
Yeah, but I got a ticket.
Did you find out where Logan lives? He's at the airport.
You got him in time.
No, we got him just after his time.
He's dead.
But at an airport? Now, what would he be doing at an airport? Sally, if you had a body I mean, if you wanted to get rid of the body, where would you dump it? In the ocean.
The middle of the ocean.
Mac.
My china.
They didn't dump my china in the ocean by mistake? Not in the Pacific? There's obviously been some kind of mistake.
Oh, my china.
Fishes eating off my china.
What do you make of this, sir? Found not far from the body.
Pylant! What? That belongs to a guy who used to work with Logan.
His name is Pylant.
Morning, Sergeant.
Where did you find him? We picked him up on his way to work at about 7:00 this morning.
Where were you, Pylant? I told him 1 4 times.
I was bowling.
You know, bowling.
Three fingers in the ball and two out.
Until 7:00 this morning? I don't believe you.
You gotta know where I was? You want to be charged with Logan's murder? All right, I was, I was with a woman.
I'm a married man.
I'm not married to that woman.
We have to know her name and address.
No.
I got pride.
Well, swallow it.
Now, where were you? I'm telling you the truth.
Look, I get along good with Logan.
I get along good with everybody.
Book him.
Let's go, Pylant.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
You got me.
Right in the pride.
Ann Georgette Sylvester, 506 Dartmouth.
Waitress at the Red Moon.
Call her.
Yes, sir.
Has my wife got to know? Only if you tell her.
I do, and I'll never bowl again.
[chuckles] Tell me.
How did you get along with Grey? Well, we were, you know, buddies.
When did you see him last? A couple of days ago, just before he left for Mexico.
Why did he go to Mexico? Well, he said he was going on business.
You know, he always does.
But to tell you the truth, I think he was going to play around with the girls, you know.
He thought he looked 10 years younger after he shaved.
Personally, I liked him better with the beard.
He shaved his beard, huh? Yeah.
There's nothin' illegal about that, is there? We have to show this to Sally.
I think this is our man in the barrel.
What about that phone call from Mexico? Can't locate it because it doesn't exist.
I bet Buchanan lied about that.
Anne, get Mrs.
McMillan for me right away.
Yes, sir.
Get a car with two men.
Find out where Buchanan lives and pick him up.
Yes, sir.
The line's busy, sir.
Keep trying.
When you reach her, tell her I'm on my way.
And get me a squad car.
Yes, sir.
[ringing] Hello.
(Buchanan) Hello, Mrs.
McMillan.
This is Mr.
Buchanan from Movers Emporium.
Um, I have some good news for you.
We've located your china.
That's wonderful, Mr.
Buchanan.
When can you deliver it? Uh, first thing Monday morning.
Monday? Yes.
You see, today is Saturday.
We're closed.
I wish I could get it to you sooner.
Maybe I could come and pick it up myself.
Well, I don't see why not.
As a matter of fact, I'm at the warehouse right now.
If you're coming right away, I can meet you personally.
I'll be right there.
Fine.
I'll be waiting, Mrs.
McMillan.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
Buchanan.
Thank you, Mrs.
McMillan.
Hi, Fergie, how you doing today? Fine, Mrs.
McMillan.
Where are you going in such a hurry? Oh, I'm going to the warehouse to get my long-lost ever-loving Aunt Sophie's blue-stained Wedgwood china.
You want to come with me? Against regulations, Mrs.
McMillan.
I'll be right behind you.
Then you can help me load.
I'll be glad to help.
[tires screeching] (dispatch) Car Five.
we have your home now, sir.
over.
(Mac) Thank you.
Sally? Mildred.
Who's this? You sound like you're calling from a tunnel.
No, Mildred, I am not in a tunnel.
Y es, Mildred, I'm in a tunnel.
And you're a witch.
Oh, by the way, I was just talking to the drapery man.
The new drapes are ready and I'm gonna hang them today.
Fine.
Put Mrs.
McMillan on.
You'll be thrilled to know she's on her way to the warehouse.
Mr.
Buchanan called and said they found her dishes.
[switching channel] Get me Ferguson, tailing Mrs.
McMillan.
Quickly.
[police siren wailing] (operator) 904, Code 3.
904, Code 3.
[walkie-talkie buzzing] Excuse me, Mrs.
McMillan.
I have to answer a call.
Okay.
Hi, Mr.
Buchanan.
Hello, Mrs.
McMillan.
Step in.
(Sally) Thank you.
I'm so excited.
Where is it? Right over there.
[Sally sighing] Where did you find it? It was sent to the airport by mistake.
You want to check the barrel? Oh, no, I can tell it's mine.
It's got my little face right on it.
Right, sir.
Right.
(Ferguson) Mrs.
McMillan.
Mrs.
McMillan.
Who's that? Oh, my husband put a tail on me.
Wasn't that sweet? We're in here, Fergie.
Stay right where you are, Mrs.
McMillan.
(Buchanan) Don't move, Mrs.
McMillan.
Turn around, Mrs.
McMillan.
I'd really rather not.
It's against my better judgment.
Nevertheless, I do recommend it.
I hope this isn't gonna hurt too much.
[siren wailing] [police siren wailing] [gun firing] (Sally) Mac! Where's my wife? In a barrel.
Which one? On the conveyor belt.
Sally! Sally.
(Sally) Mac! (Mac) Sally.
(Sally) Mac, where are you? Sally.
It's okay, Commissioner.
We got him.
We got him, Sally.
(Sally) Oh, that's good.
Where am l? Halfway to lstanbul.
But I'm not dressed for lstanbul.
(Sally) Embezzling? (Mac) Buchanan had been at it for years, apparently.
Grey finally caught up with him.
What with his temper and all, it was kill or be killed.
So, Logan was working for Buchanan.
Buchanan had to kill him because he knew everything.
If you two can forget the case for a minute, how about a nice round of applause for the maid who glued the china together? Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm going to my room and shave my legs.
If you've got 'em, flaunt 'em.
Well, at least we had our first meal on Aunt Sophie's china.
(Sally) Oh.
And our last.
Well, it's okay.
We only needed it to give the place a proper start.
Then no more superstition? Absolutely none.
We just can't move anymore.
We might just as well consummate our lease.
[chuckling] I'm game.
Even with barrelitis, I'm game.
I will draw the new drapes.
[groaning] Are you sure you're not too tired? Uh-uh.
And then we'll sleep.
[both giggling] Is that dark enough? Uh-huh.