Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

The Card

1 My name is Alex Riley and this is the story of my life.
As an only child growing up in Chicago, I had two major obsessions.
One was inventing stuff.
The other was Michael Jordan.
Jordan takes the fall away, and it's good! Yes! But when my mom met Ron, we moved from Chicago to Los Angeles, and just like that, I had a whole new family.
Not my idea.
25 years later, my life as an inventor hit a bit of a rough patch.
The Switch-fork! Around the same time, my marriage collapsed.
Sarah! Sarah! [couch springs squeaking] Then I ended up getting a divorce.
Also not my idea.
And when I turned 65, and was a successful inventor, I finally retired.
[grunting] Definitely not my idea.
But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that every day of my life has the opportunity to be the best day ever.
And today well, today's my birthday.
- [snoring] - Happy birthday, my big 14-year-old.
- Thanks, Mom.
- What's wrong? Nothing, I just miss my friends back home.
Birthdays are supposed to be about going to a Bulls game and eating Lou Malnati's pizza.
Well, I couldn't get Michael Jordan here, but Guys? - Happy birthday! - Happy birthday, little buddy.
Awesome! I had someone on my flight crew pick it up on a layover in Chicago.
See? Birthdays are birthdays no matter where we are.
Make a wish! I remember turning 14, little bro.
It was only a month ago.
Look at him.
They're so cute when they're this age, aren't they? [all laugh] - Happy birthday, Daddy! - Hey, sweetie.
Thank you.
It's time to play pop-a-shot at the arcade.
Okay, we did that last year.
Are you sure that's what you want to do? Daddy, yes.
You said.
Okay, if that's what you want, then let's do this! - Yeah! - Awesome! Good morning, Alex.
And happy birthday! [bedside table chimes] You have no plans scheduled today.
What? No, that's not right.
I'm playing pop-a-shot with Abby later.
She confirmed yesterday.
Abby canceled today.
6:12 a.
m.
Displaying sad message.
Hey, Dad, something came up at work.
I'm not gonna be able to make it today.
I'm so sorry.
But happy birthday.
Can't wait to celebrate soon.
Love you.
Go Bulls! Seriously? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to Oh, shut up.
[theme music plays] - Okay.
Sit down, sit down.
- Can I open it? Just one sec.
Are we ready? Okay, let me refocus.
And take your time on this, okay? This puppy's battery lasts a whole five minutes.
Okay, go! No way, Ron, what? A signed Michael Jordan rookie card? I can't believe it! I can't remember.
You like Michael Jordan, right? This is incredible.
Thank you, Ron.
Trade you for my O.
J.
Simpson card.
I got it when he came and spoke to our school about good citizenship.
- Great athlete, better person.
- Mm-hmm.
And my boy Brandon plays bass.
He rips.
So yeah, I'm just doing this part time until the music thing takes off.
- Right.
That's cool.
- It's not bad.
Yeah, so how about those tokens? Ah, yes.
Here you are.
And here, take this flyer, if you ever want to check us out.
You heard of Pungent Stench? - No.
- We're opening for them! Daddy, come on.
Let's play.
Oh, look who's here! - Abby! - Willa! Ruby! Let's play! Hey, Megan.
Hey, Sally.
How are you? I'm okay.
How are you? I'm pretty good.
She means with the whole divorce.
Yeah, I appreciate your concern, as always, but it's been about six months, so I'm okay.
So inspiring.
Guys, look.
I'm doing just fine, okay? You know, I'm actually doing better than fine.
I feel great, you know? Work stuff is starting to click, so Alex Riley is on a bit of a roll.
So you're out of the garage and back on your feet.
Well, no.
I do have a full-size fridge though now.
Abby, are you going glamping with us this weekend? It's going to be so fun.
Daddy, can we go glamping? Please? What's this now? Oh, it's just a little trip some of the moms and daughters from school are taking this weekend.
We would've invited Abby, but we knew Sarah couldn't make it down from San Francisco.
Well, I mean I'm available this weekend.
I can take her! Really? That won't feel weird? I don't want Abby to miss out on things because her parents are divorced.
I mean, unless it's weird for you guys, you know? I don't want to make any of the other husbands jealous or anything.
[laughing] - We'll send you the info.
- Awesome.
Great.
Hey, Abby, guess what? I'm gonna be your mommy this weekend! - Yay! - Yay! Glamping! Sorry I can't make it, Dad.
Sometimes I hate my job.
No, you don't.
Okay, no, I don't.
I'm the freaking GM of the Chicago Bulls! How cool is that, huh? But I feel terrible about missing your big day.
It's no big deal, okay? It's a birthday.
I'm an adult.
We can celebrate another day! You sure? I'll make it up to you, okay? Fine, yeah, absolutely.
Just give me a little notice.
I may be retired, but I still have a very busy calendar.
Calendar? You have no events scheduled today.
Thank you.
Power down! That is so cool.
Can I hold it? It's a collectable.
I mean, it's kind of delicate.
Nothing personal, Darryl.
It's just you know Is that a Michael Jordan rookie card? Yeah! Here, hold it! Whoa! It's in mint condition, and it's signed? She knows about basketball cards? If she can also quote "Caddyshack," we may be dealing with a "Weird Science" situation here.
My dad's a big collector, but he doesn't have anything this cool.
He would lose his mind if he saw this.
["There She Goes Again" by the La's plays] I mean the best card he has is a Dominique Wilkins rookie There she goes There she goes again - You can have it! - What? You're giving me your signed Michael Jordan card for my dad? Yeah.
Wow, I-I don't even know what to say.
Thank you, Alex.
[pop music plays] What did I just do? That was a disaster.
This bill is a disaster.
I'm not signing this.
Am I right, little bro? It's 2042.
Man wants to make love to his robot, what do I care? You know, I still can't believe you're the governor.
Me neither! So what are you doing today? Well, I was supposed to get together with Abby, but she got busy.
You're in Sacramento, so yeah.
Not the best of birthdays.
- Oh, my God! It's your birthday? - And it just got worse.
I feel terrible.
I mean, I knew it was coming up, but there's so much going on up here.
Maybe I can name something after you? A bridge, or a highway, or something? [scoffs] What's that? Oh, I'm being told I can't do that.
You know what? This is good.
I'll just I'll spend a me day.
That's the spirit! It's not sad unless you really think about it.
Happy birthday, little bro! - Go Lakers! - Go Bulls! Whoa, wait.
This can't be right! $800 for "luxury tent rental"? $300 for "white glove campfire set-up"? Dude, it's glamping.
Glamorous camping.
What did you think? I thought they didn't know how to pronounce camping! I mean I can't afford this.
I'm living in a garage here.
Yeah, I know.
It's why my foosball table is in the backyard, instead of in here, as the centerpiece of my man cave.
Damn squirrel living in it.
Wendy won't let you bring it in the house? Hey! I don't have to ask her.
This is my house.
It just doesn't exactly match the aesthetic we got going on.
The aesthetic being? Things Wendy will allow in the house.
What am I gonna do? This whole trip is gonna cost me like three grand.
Then don't go, man.
But she's so excited, you know? And I promised her.
She's seven wave something shiny in front of her.
It's just this has been such a rough year for her, you know? I just want to be able to give her this one thing.
You know the one thing her dad promised her, and I couldn't even do that.
Yeah.
Wendy won't let me give you any money.
- I wasn't asking! - Just getting it out there.
I would take it if you offered, though.
What was I thinking? Why would I give that card to Nori? Sometimes when you're a pretty girl, boys just give you things.
Trust me.
I've been there.
That was the worst thing I ever Wait.
Are you trying to help me or compliment yourself? A person can be sympathetic and attractive at the same time! That was the coolest gift I've ever gotten, and now it's gone.
Not to mention when Ron finds out you gave it away, he'll be crushed.
Maybe you should just tell Nori you made a mistake, and ask for the card back.
- I don't want to get her upset! - She'll understand! She's used to boys losing their heads around her.
We know our power.
Okay, I'll talk to Nori.
I'm proud of you, honey.
You're doing the mature thing.
Or there's a less mature way to go.
A better way, where Dad never finds out, and Nori never gets upset.
I'm listening.
We find another card and I forge MJ's signature.
I've been signing my own report cards since I was six.
Then we sneak our way into Nori's house, switch out the cards, and leave with her none the wiser.
- I don't know.
- Hey, boys! Oh, there you are.
Hey, I bought a display case for the card.
You want to put her in and see how she looks? Um maybe tomorrow.
You know? It's a little dark in here and the first time I see it, I just want it to be bathed in natural light.
Okey-doke.
Tomorrow it is.
- I'm in.
- Yes, this is the right move.
Trust me.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Not sure it was necessary to add that last part.
Seems like it's sort of tempting fate.
What do I care about fate? Bring it on, fate! - Give me all you got.
- Let's just stop talking.
- Are you sure about this? - I was on the way here, but now that we're actually going through with it, I think it's really dumb, and probably won't work out.
- [doorbell rings] - Wait, what? Oh, hey, guys.
What's going on? Uh nothing.
We just We just thought we'd We just thought we'd stop by and say hello, since we were in the neighborhood.
But you live, like, four doors down.
Aren't you always in the neighborhood? Okay, busted.
I'll tell you the truth.
We're here because Alex has to use the bathroom really bad.
Right.
But again, your house is Like really bad.
Okay, fine.
Come in.
- Bathroom? - I know.
I'm a genius, right? I don't know what to do, you know? How do you tell your kid that they can't have something that they want? Oh, come on.
You've broken bad news to Abby before, right? Wrong.
I mean, I'm not proud of it, but Sarah used to handle breaking all the bad news.
All of it? Really? Yeah, she never had a problem with it.
It's almost like it brought her some weird sort of joy.
In retrospect, probably a red flag.
Yeah.
Point is I'm the good cop.
'Kay? And everyone loves the good cop.
Abby loves the good cop.
Well, you can't always be a good cop.
I mean, as a parent, sometimes you have to be a bad cop too.
Like that time we wouldn't let you go to space camp.
Wait, I thought you said they canceled space camp.
No, it was like six hours away.
We just didn't want to drive you.
See? Just do it like that! Yeah, okay.
Thanks, Ron, that's terrible advice.
Hey, Alex.
Just you today? Yep.
All alone, although I would say hi to Eleanor - if she is around.
- No, she's not around today.
Oh.
Seems like all the women in my life are avoiding me today.
You know she's engaged, right? Yes.
We're still friends, we still enjoy each other's company.
You know besides, we have faced much tougher obstacles.
I once spit an unwanted mint in her mouth.
Quite the romance you got going on there.
Just the one water, he's alone today.
["One" by Harry Nilsson plays] One is the loneliest number That you'll ever do Yeah, it's a new smart jukebox.
It listens to conversations, and then plays relevant music.
Well, just don't have it play "Happy Birthday.
" Oh, man.
Is today your birthday? - Mmm.
- And you're here? Alone? I had plans, okay? My daughter and I were gonna go to the arcade, play pop-a-shot.
We used to do that every year on my birthday.
But as I got busier, and more successful, we sort of fell out of the habit.
Now that I'm retired, I thought hey! We'll restart the tradition! Now she's the one with the big, important, busy job.
Kind of ironic when you think about it, isn't it? ["Cat's Cradle" by Harry Chapin plays] Oh, come on! [suspenseful music] Good news! I bought you some time.
I told Nori you need some reading material, because you're a bathroom lingerer.
Unbelievable.
I know! Smart, right? Now let's switch the cards and get out of here.
I'll be in my study if you need me, pumpkin! Okay, Daddy! - Her dad's home? - Quick! Put the card in! Hey! Watch it! Oh no.
I can't tell which is which.
I've got to admit, that's some of my best work.
Really? Okay, I'm just picking one.
Go! That was awesome.
You're totally getting a high five as soon as I can move my arm again.
- Hey, sweetie, you got a sec? - Yeah.
- We need to talk.
- Okay.
But first, I got you a strawberry shake! - Yay! - Yes, yay! Because I'm a fun dad who clearly loves you, and would do anything within reason to make you happy! But even fun dads have to give bad news sometimes.
What would you say if I told you that we couldn't go glamping with your friends this weekend? Aw, don't look at me like that.
Aw, geez, come on.
That's not fair.
We're not going glamping with my friends? Of course we are.
I was just kidding! I'm sorry! And on the way home, we can get a puppy! - Really? - I said it! I don't know why! Both: Yay! You're the best daddy ever! Oh, what did I just do? Hey, you're right.
It does look better bathed in the warm, natural light.
- Happy birthday, bud.
- Thanks.
I told you nothing could possibly go wrong.
- Everything went wrong.
- But we have the card.
Do we? Man, I'm good.
[laughing] Oh, there's my Abby! Hey, guess what Grandpa's got in his freezer? - Poop-sicles? - That's right.
Go ask your grandma for one.
She knows they're not really called poop-sicles, right? I'm 95% sure, but I'm not gonna tell her to stop.
I love it too much.
Well, here's your backpack.
Thanks for letting us borrow this.
It saves us the $200 Sherpa fee on the morning hike.
Guess I'm not much of a bad cop.
Hey, there are worse things than being called a softie.
But if you don't mind me asking, where did you come up with the glamping money? - Yep, that's real all right.
- Yes! It's real.
Obviously it's real that's why I'm selling it to you.
I'll take one of these too.
I'll definitely take that.
I'm sorry, Ron.
I didn't know what else to do.
Well, here's how I see it.
You know when you were a kid, I gave you that card to make you happy, and it worked.
And then it made you happy again when you used it to help your kid.
So if you ask me, that's a pretty good bang for my buck.
Thanks, Ron.
Plus, we'll always have this.
- Bad dog! - [dog barking] The video of your neighbor's dog taking a dump on your lawn? Give me that.
I hate these stupid phones.
They never get the mmm.
We'll always have this.
Wait, Ron.
What? A signed Michael Jordan rookie card? I can't believe it! I can't remember.
You like Michael Jordan, right? Ron, this is incredible.
Thank you.
Trade you for my O.
J.
Simpson card.
I got it when he came and spoke Hey, hey.
How you been, man? - It's been a while! - Yeah.
Hey, good timing.
We got a gig on Wednesday at an open mic.
Hearing some big time music manager might be there, so Amazing.
Probably my last week here at the pop-a-shot.
Uh-huh.
Well, good luck with that.
Here you go.
We got on at nine.
You want to follow through with your wrist a little more.
Abby! [laughter] Oh, Abby! What? You didn't really think I'd miss your birthday, did you? You said you had work.
Yeah, I was working on getting your gift.
What Oh, my God.
When I was in college, Grandpa told me about what you did for me.
Dad, that was your favorite thing in the world.
No, not even close.
- Aww.
- I was talking about you.
Yeah, I got it.
Oh, I have one more surprise.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I may have to retract that thank you.
He's clean.
Governor? - Little bro! - Yeah! Justin! What? Was the pat down actually necessary? No, but it was sure fun to watch.
Did you really think I was going to forget your birthday? Well, yes.
Oh, look what Abby got me.
Signed Michael Jordan rookie card.
Wow! Would you look at that? I'm telling you.
You didn't sign this, did you? No, but if I did, you'd never know.
I'm that good.
- [laughter] - God, you two.
Oh! Getting gifts on your birthday is great.
But nothing beats the joy of giving the perfect gift.
The kind of joy that comes from finding the perfect thing for the person you love.
- Go Lakers! - No, no! Hand in the face! He's got him! Oh, God.
Justin! What? Even if that person doesn't know what you had to do to get it.
[laughing] Come on, man.
Here.
Thank you.
[laughter continues] See, if you can't make Pasadena, we got a gig at the Glendale Public Library on the 14th.
I wish I could, but I got a thing.
No worries.
We're playing a steakhouse in Encino on the 23rd.
Ooh, I got something that night too.
It sucks.
Dang, seems like every night we got a gig, you got something else to do.
It is like that.
It's exactly like that.
I just really want you to hear us.
Hey, you know I'm not even remotely in the music industry, right? You know what? I'm getting my guitar.
I just got a new song idea.
The glamping man.
- It's all about you! - Wow.
I'll be right back! - Honey, run! - But I'm still Come on, let's go! Let's go! Let's go!