Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

Star Wars

1 My past is really important to me.
So, sometimes it's hard to get rid of stuff that was meaningful in my life.
I'll admit some of the things I have saved haven't exactly stood the test of time.
[upbeat music] While others are as good now as they were back then.
[whooshes] How much of that did you see? Because there's more.
[whooshes] [laughs] Dude, you're supposed to be prepping for our pitch.
I'm prepping for something even more important.
I'm prepping to be underwhelmed.
Today is the 245th day of Abby's seventh year on this Earth.
Which means she is the exact same age that I was when I saw "Star Wars".
I've been counting down the days to show it to her, and today is the day.
You know, I was bracing myself for about this level of underwhelmed and you brought it way down here.
Get back to work.
[hissing] Gah.
This is going to be the best day ever.
[whooshes] My God.
Oh, my God.
Did you see what's in the paper? Nope, and for future reference the answer to that question will always be a no.
Unless it's Garfield.
That cat kills me.
They're gonna be having a one night only, midnight screening of "Star Wars" tonight.
- We are so going.
- Midnight? The latest I've ever been out on a school night is 10:00.
And the next day I fell asleep in science class, knocked over a Bunsen burner, and lit my eyebrows on fire.
And what's the big deal about seeing "Star Wars" anyways? Haven't you watched it, like, a billion times? Yes, I have, but only on this.
And in the middle, someone recorded the 200th episode of "Cheers".
I'm sorry, I had no blank tapes and the theme song was starting.
Justin, one of these days, I'm gonna go up into space.
But until then, seeing "Star Wars" on the big screen is as close as I'll ever get.
And I want you to be there with me.
To go on the adventures of Luke and Han and Leia And Cliff and Norm and that wise-cracking waitress.
[whooshes] This is gonna be the best day ever.
[whooshes] Some people say as we get older, we should get rid of the childish things of our past and start acting like adults.
I am not one of those people.
I'm going into space! Uh, you are? Yes! After two years on the waitlist, tomorrow, I have a seat on the Tesla Orbiter.
Dad, I thought those interstellar tourism companies wouldn't clear you if you had a heart attack.
Oh, no, they're completely unregulated.
[chuckles] If you're rich enough, they'll take anybody.
God bless America.
This is because of your crazy obsession with "Star Wars," isn't it? What? Oh, please.
I am so over that.
Love you.
Go Bulls.
- Love you.
Go Bulls.
- [chuckles] [whooshes] This is going to be the best day ever.
[whooshes] Okay [giggles] I hope you are ready, Abby, because you are about to experience the greatest movie of all time.
"The Princess Diaries"? "The Princess Diaries"? No, honey, no.
I'm talking about a cinematic masterpiece, okay? True, I've never seen "The Princess Diaries.
" You never seen "The Princess Diaries"? Let's watch that instead.
Sweetie, we're not watching "The Princess Diaries," okay? Also, Daddy has been preparing this intro since the day you were born, so maybe let him finish.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
[whooshes] Abigail Riley, you are about to take a journey.
A journey into a galaxy far, far away.
So, sit back, relax, and have your mind blown as we enter the world of drum roll, please.
[soft drumming] "Star Wars.
" I already saw "Star Wars.
" I'm sorry, sweetie, what? Grandpa Ron showed it to me.
Grandpa Ron showed you "Star Wars"? How can that be? "Star Wars" is something that you watch with your father.
Grandpa Ron is not your father.
[growling] I am your father.
[dramatic music] Do you like the French toast, honey? It's a new recipe.
There's a recipe for this? What's that supposed to mean? Nothing, sweetheart.
It tastes like, uh it fell from an angel in heaven.
- [chuckles] - Aww.
- Aw, gross.
- Come on.
Oh, stop, you guys are lucky to have parents who aren't afraid to show affection.
It's nauseating how lucky we are.
Good news, boys.
We are going to spend the weekend cleaning out the rain gutters.
Why? Are we in trouble? No, this is gonna be fun.
We're gonna get up on the roof, we're gonna scoop all the leaves and the bugs.
A lotta bugs.
So many bugs.
I don't think I can help, Dad.
I'm gonna need the weekend to catch up on my sleep after tonight.
What's tonight? The Wilfax is having a one night only midnight screening of "Star Wars.
" A midnight screening on a school night? But Justin can barely exist on the ten hours of sleep he already gets.
Plus a 15-minute post-alarm snooze.
I mean, come on, guys, it's "Star Wars.
" It's a special occasion.
I'm sorry, Alex, but the answer is no.
This is totally unfair.
When it was just the two of us in Chicago, you definitely would've let me go.
I don't know about that.
You took me to a midnight screening of "Rocky Horror" when I was nine.
Yeah, well, in hindsight, letting scantily-clad men and women yell "virgin" at you was a poor parenting decision.
- Mom - Midnight on a school night is just too late.
I know how much you love "Star Wars," honey, but I'm with Ron on this.
Ron is a Lakers fan.
His judgment cannot be trusted.
Hey, I am right here.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but the two of us are a united front.
Here, have some French toast.
Ron says it tastes like it came out of an angel.
Fell from an angel.
[muttering] United front Thanks, guys.
Have a great day.
Hello, Eleanor.
Hi, what are you doing here so early? Grabbing a quick breakfast before my flight.
Silly little trip I'm going on.
- Where you going - Space! [giggles] I'm going to space! - Really? - Yeah.
You know, my fiancé has always wanted to do that, but that waitlist is out of control.
It's probably for the best.
Not everybody can handle space, you know, you have to be very brave to venture into the unknown.
So, what'll you have? Just some dried toast and water.
I get a little motion sick.
[soft laugh] Alex, I'm really glad that my being engaged hasn't affected our friendship.
No, no, being friends is best.
It's exactly what I want.
[thunder booms, rain pattering] Oh, wow.
Look at the rain.
Gosh, you think you'll still fly? What? Oh, sure.
Come on, these are billion dollar shuttles.
They're not gonna let a little weather stop the "Delayed indefinitely.
" Oh, I'm sorry.
[sigh] All right, listen, you know that order - of dried toast? - Mm-hmm.
Put a little butter on it.
[laughs] So brave.
[knock at door] Thank you for seeing me, Ron, there was something important - that we need to discuss.
- Is everything all right? No.
No, everything is not all right, Ron.
It's come to my attention that you showed Abby "Star Wars"? Uh-huh.
What do you mean, [funny voice] uh-huh? No, it's kind of a huge deal, Ron.
I wanted to be the one to show it to Abby for the first time.
Look, Alex, I mean, I know you like the movie, which is why I assumed you already showed it to her.
I promise it won't happen again.
Yeah, of course it won't happen again.
Because it can't happen again.
That was a one-time parenting moment that you stole from me.
- Alex, it's just one movie.
- [vexed sigh] And there are millions of others you can watch with her.
See, that right there That makes me think that you're not actually sorry.
Well, I'm sorry that you're upset.
I'm not sorry though that I killed two hours of babysitting.
I mean, that kid has a lot of energy.
You know what? I can't talk about this anymore.
You should show her "Space Balls.
" That's like "Star Wars" with jokes.
[box clatters] Honey, come on.
Bus is almost here, I don't want you to miss it.
Oh, so now you care about me.
[sighs] Look I know you're upset.
Of course I'm upset, Mom.
This is "Star Wars".
I'm sorry, but we're part of a family now.
And in families, you make compromises.
Okay, well, then how come we're the only ones who've ever had to make compromises? When has Ron ever had to compromise? Well, he agreed to never grow a mustache despite the peer pressure he's been under from the other airline pilots.
Then why should I have to suffer? I mean, I didn't get engaged to the guy.
You did.
- I didn't have a choice.
- Alex.
When you and Ron get married, make sure it's late at night so I have a good excuse not to be there.
Because of the not being able to stay up late - Yeah, I got it.
- Yeah.
[Older Alex] Three, two, one.
Blast off.
[whooshes like a rocket] Uh, excuse me? I've been waiting half an hour for my eggs.
They're coming up.
[sigh] Can you believe they delayed my space flight just 'cause of some stupid rain? Gosh, I wish I could sympathize.
But it's the morning rush and one of my line cooks just called in sick.
- Need any help back there? - You can cook? You remember my mother's food? It was either that or die of starvation.
I'm dying of starvation.
Dude, quiet.
Wait You can't cook? I know.
I own a restaurant and I can't cook.
I'm like a guy who owns a lamp store who can't - Can't think of analogies? - Exactly.
Are you sure that you wanna do this? Can I make rocket sounds while I flip the pancakes? I prefer that you didn't.
That is not a no.
[upbeat music] I mean, how can Ron not understand why "Star Wars" is so important to me? You know, I gotta be honest.
I don't understand why white people make such a big deal about that movie.
I mean the series doesn't even get good until Lando Calrissian shows up.
Mm-hmm, that man can pilot my spaceship any day.
[laughs] Okay, I'm jealous, but I get it.
Yeah, see, for me it was all about Luke Skywalker, you know? He didn't grow up with his biological father just like me.
And just like me, he always dreamed of going into space.
And he did it, you know? And he had adventures and he kissed a princess.
Who turned out to be his sister.
Well, he did not know that at the time! Okay? He didn't know.
I'm just saying, I wanted to be there for the first time that Abby saw Luke Skywalker on the screen.
I feel you, Alex.
If I ever found out that someone took Jasmine to Disneyland before me, I'd kill them.
You know what, I'm just gonna drop it.
Oh, I'd never drop it.
Yeah, no, I'm never gonna drop it.
You still haven't told her that you took Jasmine to Disneyland? Wendy was out of town and I did not wanna go to Color Me Mine again.
Good night, you two.
And their door should close now.
[door clicks] It's go time.
[exciting music] Justin, I got you a Jolt so you can stay up during the movie.
And it's got all the sugar and twice the caffeine.
Way ahead of you.
Wow, are you sure you're supposed to have that many? It's fine, I feel amazing, I can do anything, I've got lots of business ideas.
Well, here.
I made you one too.
Aw, little bro, this is so nice, I didn't get you anything, I wish I could get you something right now.
Business idea a company that delivers anything you want.
We'll start with something simple like books, - then we'll expand.
- That's a terrible idea.
Look, focus, okay? "Star Wars.
" Let's go.
Right, I kind of want to run there, let's run there.
[harsh whisper] You're not wearing pants! They'll only slow me down.
That was awesome.
Yeah, it was incredible.
You slept through the whole movie.
I did not.
First there were all those words about some galaxy and then there was that, um Man, I slept through the whole movie.
Hey, it's fine, okay? What's important is that we did something cool.
And we went on a secret adventure and we didn't get caught, right? Wrong.
What's up, Ron? You ready to watch the Lakers get their butts beat? No, I am ready to watch the Bulls go down.
[laugh] Yeah, sure.
Although the Lakers do kinda suck this season.
Wow, you gotta work on your smack talk there, big guy.
Well, you know, I'm really glad that we were able to put this whole "Star Wars" thing behind us.
Me too.
I overreacted.
It's water under the bridge.
Come on, let's go watch some hoops.
I got it all queued up on the DVR.
You didn't hear anything about the game, did you? Oh, no, no, no, no, I turned off all my alerts, I stayed off the internet.
I know nothing.
- Well, that's just perfect.
- Yeah.
I am so jazzed about this, I gotta tell you.
I literally have been looking forward to this game all week.
- Have you, now? - Oh, yeah.
- It's gonna be a great one.
- Oh, it is.
I say it's gonna be the best game of the year.
Especially with that ending.
[chatter on TV] What do you mean by that? Three seconds left and the Lakers are up by one, Lonzo gets the ball stripped by LaVine.
He chucks the ball down-court to Lopez, who no-looks it to Portis who is wide open for a three.
Portis lets it fly and just as time expires, it's good.
Bulls win! Oh no, I'm so sorry, Ron.
Did I spoil something that was important for you? You know what? It's just one game.
There'll be a million others you can watch.
Announcer: And the tip-off is controlled by the Bulls.
Settle in for one of the most anticipated match-ups of the season.
- Portis from downtown.
- Portis for three.
Announcer: The Bulls take an early 3-0 lead.
I need two Denver omelets, side of tots, side of fruits.
Got it.
[bell dings] You only ding the bell when you finish the order.
Seems like a missed opportunity.
[bell dings] I got short stack, French toast, Huevos Rancheros, which I am pronouncing impeccably.
Gosh, Alex, you are saving my life right now.
You okay back there? Well, it's no traveling around the Earth at 70,000 mph but making pancakes is fun.
- [whooshes] - [laughs] Why would you even wanna go into space? Because.
It's gonna be unforgettable experience.
I've spent most of my life working.
I'd like to spend the rest of it living.
That's beautiful, Alex.
Besides, my brother went to the bottom of the ocean last year.
He hasn't shut up about it.
[bell dings] [sigh] Hash browns up! Ron, we're really sorry.
And by we, I mean me.
It's all my fault, so if you're gonna kill anybody, kill me.
Actually, I-I prefer if you if you didn't kill me.
You know we were just We learned in health class that our brains aren't even fully developed until we're like, 25.
It's kind of actually amazing how I'm even talking right now with my underdeveloped brain.
Pft, like, how am I even forming words right now? I don't know.
[nervous laugh] Okay, look The truth is, my whole life, I've been used to everything being just me and my mom.
And now that I'm a part of this whole family thing, the rules are all over the place and it's hard.
And, you know, I've never had to share a room with anyone.
Never had a brother.
Or a father.
And I guess the bottom line is I'm new at all this.
Back me up, will you? [snoring] [scoff] Useless.
You know, I'm not sure you should've been an inventor.
You would've made one hell of a sportscaster.
[laugh] Yeah, I may have taken it a little too far.
Look, I get it.
You know, I didn't realize how important that movie was to you and you know what, it's not my place to tell you what should be important to you.
I messed up.
And for that I really am sorry, Alex.
I appreciate that, Ron.
I'm sorry I ruined the game.
That's okay.
I gotta be honest with you, I know you love "Star Wars," but have you seen it lately? I watch it every Wednesday, so, yes.
Yeah, not sure it holds up.
I mean, what's with that fella, Jerry Blanks? - Jerry Blanks? - Yeah.
Lizard person.
With the big ears, and that stupid walk, goes around saying things like, "I be your friend.
" "Space is too spacey.
" "Me so horny.
" Wait, do you mean Jar Jar Binks? Nah, that's not it.
Pretty sure it's Jerry Blanks.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means? You showed her the prequel.
Is that good or bad? That's great! That means she never saw the original! And yet you still ruined the game for me.
I'm gonna show Abby tonight.
Just one word of caution.
You know, when Justin was six or seven I thought he was gonna love fishing.
And then I reeled in that first trout, and he was flopping around there on the deck.
Justin freaked out, threw up on his shoes, and fell backwards off the boat.
It was not a good day.
Trust me, Abby's gonna be a big "Star Wars" fan.
Hit his head on another boat and needed 18 stitches.
I'm still gonna show her the movie, Ron.
Had to hold him down while they stitched him up.
I think I was crying more than he was.
Well, I'll make sure not to show it to her on a boat.
- Smart man.
- Thank you.
[laughs] What's going on? Alex, why do you have your light Did you sneak out of the house after we specifically told you not to? - Mom, look, I, uh - No.
- No? - Honey, I'm sorry.
I felt so guilty about not letting the boys go see their movie that I couldn't sleep.
I knew you would talk me out of it, so I got up and I snuck out of bed I woke them up, and I took them.
Are you mad at me? Only because you didn't wake me up so I could go too.
Next time.
[laugh] Gross.
Okay, I'm gonna take this one to bed.
- Yeah.
This way.
- [chuckle] No, give me that.
[mellow music] I don't get it.
Why'd you take the blame for me? I'm new at all this too.
[soft laugh] - We got through it.
- Yeah.
How many omelets do you think you made today? A hundred? A hundred and one.
I call it the Eleanor.
Beautiful on the outside.
Inside mostly bacon.
- [laughs] Thanks.
- Mmm.
But, for real, Alex.
I could not have done this without you.
Ah oh [phone buzzing] Oh, right, one second.
Yeah? 3:30? Lift-off? Um Yeah, I Muah.
Do me a favor? Put me back on the waiting list.
Yes, I know, but I'm already in the middle of an unforgettable experience.
Who's that? Wrong number.
At the risk of sounding selfish, I'm really glad that you're Earth-bound.
If you ever need help, Eleanor, I'm here for you.
Much like Han Solo was for Princess Leia.
Didn't those two get together in the end? Huh, I totally forgot about that.
[laugh] [lasers blasting] Aw, see, what did I tell you about "Star Wars"? This is the best movie ever, right? Daddy, it's so boring.
I'm sorry, did you say it was boring? - No, I said it was so boring.
- [sighs] - Is it okay if I hate it? - [sighs] Despite my nostalgia for the past, as an inventor, I've always got my eyes firmly focused on the future.
All right, Abby.
Star Bores out.
- [thud] - Get ready to watch - "The Princess Diaries"! - Yay! Yeah! Here you go.
[both giggle] [young Alex] I'm positive that someday I'll go into space.
[Older Alex] But until I get there, I am going to enjoy the amazing things that are right here on our planet.
Ooh, look at that.
Do you like the movie, Daddy? I don't like it Abby, no.
- I freaking love it.
- [giggle] - [both giggling] - I got you! - Little tickle princess! - Stop it! - No, I like it, it's ticklish.
- No, stop it.
You know, I can't stop thinking about last night.
- Being out late.
- By ourselves.
Watching the awesomest movie of all time.
You think it was worth it? Stop talking and start cleaning.
Okay, just to be clear, it's a punishment now, right? Damn straight.
Totally worth it.