Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

Field Trip

1 I highly doubt I'm the first person to say this but love is complicated.
When you're in love, you see things differently than everyone else.
There she goes - There she goes again - Racing through my brain - And I - I thought you said you were over Nori.
I am.
We're just friends.
You're totally still seeing her in slo-mo.
I can tell because you've been trying to open Joey Zinman's locker for five minutes.
Sorry.
[quirky music] And when love goes away it can take you a long time to get over it.
- - - Hey, Alex.
- Oh.
Good, my razors are here.
Don't you dare shave that beard.
Fine, just the legs.
[both laugh] - Have a good one, Alex.
- You too, Susan.
Dude, why don't you ask her out? That woman flirts with you every time she delivers a package.
Oh, she was not flirting with me.
Trust me, she is.
You just can't see it because you've been closed off ever since the divorce.
We talked about this man.
I'm just not ready yet.
Well, you better get ready for it because I'm about to order some light bulbs, and, yes, I'm paying extra for overnight delivery.
Sometimes the pursuit of love makes you do things you never thought you would.
- Go on, press another one.
- I don't have time for this.
I have to get my house ready for the fundraiser.
Plus, these dating sites are stupid.
Hey, this isn't some old-fashioned, cheesy dating site like Tinder.
This is a highly sophisticated service that uses advanced algorithms to help you make a meaningful connection.
Now press her face so we can judge her.
[sighs] [screen beeps] - Hi, I'm Debbie.
- Bye, Debbie.
What was wrong with her? [sighs] I didn't like the way she said "hi.
" You're not giving anyone a chance because you're still stuck on Eleanor.
I am not stuck on Eleanor.
I just like the way she says hi.
[groans] Fine, I'll give Debbie another chance.
- [screen beeps] - I love a night out on the town or staying in, curling up with a good book.
Uch.
She's all over the map.
Debbie, come on, pick a lane.
So, I guess the bottom line is All: I hate love.
[bright music] And the best part about being an inventor is that when you see a problem, you get to fix it.
And the only problem I see today is that you guys don't have any candy.
All: Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Riley Industries Candy-Pult 5000, [lower voice] patent pending.
[cheering] [laughs] Thank you Mr.
Riley for that wonderful presentation, and for giving a bunch of eight year olds sugar, then leaving.
- Great job, Dad.
- Thank you, sweetie.
Now we're gonna hear from Jasmine's dad, and he's gonna tell us about his job.
I thought we agreed no candy.
Now all I got is this damn PowerPoint.
Come on, man, you're gonna be great.
Kids love detailed business plans.
Hey, man, that thing packs some power.
Caught a Smartie way back here.
Oh, yeah, it can launch a Skittle 50 yards.
It can launch a peanut M&M 50 yards.
50 yards seems to be the range.
Hey, you one of the new dads? - I'm Alex.
- Oh, hey.
Ben.
Hey.
Gosh, you look so familiar to me.
Do I know you from somewhere? I was just thinking the same thing.
Do you workout at Crossfit Glendale? [laughs loudly] Oh, you were serious.
No.
No, that's not me.
That's why we always want to be conservative with our quarterly projections.
[playful music] Damn it, Alex.
[clapping] Hey, little bro.
I think I have the perfect plan to get you and Nori together.
Well, it's not going to be worse than your last plan - to get us together.
- Again You were supposed to eat a mint then kiss her.
Not choke on a mint and spit it into her mouth like you were feeding a baby bird.
What if I told you there was a day where the rules of school do not apply? Where everything that happened in the past no longer matters? I speak, of course, of the field trip.
Oh.
You guys got a field trip coming up? I used to love field trips, you know.
It's not school.
It's not home.
It's the wild west out there where anything can happen, - and often does.
- Exactly.
You know Josh Hubbard and Kristina Wiggins? Yeah, the couple who are basically joined at the tongue? Well, last year Josh was a geek and Kristina was a cheerleader.
He was nowhere on her radar.
Then one visit to the Colonial Farming Museum later, they're practically married.
Classic field trip love story.
See? - Okay, I'm in.
- Yes.
Yeah, when I was in the seventh grade, my school went to the American Heritage Museum.
I ended up making out with Lori Shooter next to a stuffed bison.
Was she the cutest girl in school? She was not.
I was field tripped.
[jazz music playing] There are a lot of attractive, charitable women at this fundraiser.
Maybe even charitable enough to go out with you.
- [laughs] - [laughs mockingly] Vodka cranberry, please.
Vodka cranberry, the drink of sorority girls the world over.
[chuckles] Kelly Frasier.
Surprised to see you in my house.
I didn't notice your broomstick outside.
Oh, this is your house? I thought it smelled like un-met third quarter projections.
No, that's your perfume.
You you're the smell.
Ooh, that wasn't your best, Dad.
"Dad"? Is this your daughter? Kelly, Abby.
Abby, evil in human form.
- Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you, Abby.
Your father and I go way back.
How long has my company been outperforming yours? What, 15, 20 years? No, no that would be never years.
Clever.
Nice to meet you.
I don't think she really thought that was clever.
[stammering angrily] What is she talking about? My company has always been just as successful as hers.
I've never seen you so rattled.
Good thing you're retired.
You don't have to deal with her anymore.
You're absolutely right.
I never have to think about her again.
Be right back.
- Where are you going? - [chuckles] I just thought of a great comeback.
[both panting] Okay.
So we've packed the most tradable snacks, you're wearing some of my dad's aftershave Which burns.
It burns bad.
Hey, it roped in your mom.
Not the goal here.
Just what's next on your list? Okay, item number three on the list "Sit next to Nori on the bus.
" Okay, sitting.
I can do that.
I'll just go up to her and say something like "Hey, Nori, is this seat taken?" Load them up! That's weak, little bro.
This is Nori Sterling.
You have to be smooth.
More Fresh Prince, less Urkel.
[bright music] A wave.
That's good.
- Now all you have to do is - Hey, Nori.
Is this seat taken? No, go ahead.
He stole my line.
Looks like we've got competition.
Good way to think about it, just like your ABC's.
Airway, breathing, circulation.
Level with me.
Was it that bad? I mean, I would have done a little less on corporate tax loopholes, but you do you man.
So I'm gonna bring out a buddy of mine.
This is, uh, Rescue Annie, and now I'm gonna show you how to perform CPR.
[low voice] God, it's killing me.
Where do I know this guy from? Do you recognize him? I don't know.
Y'all all look the same to me.
So for every 30 compressions I do two breaths.
[breathes] [thumping] [somber music] Sarah! [thumping continues] Holy crap.
I know where I know this guy from.
Named after French physicist Léon Foucault, the pendulum is comprised of a 240 pound ball held by a 40 foot cable.
Powered by the rotation of the Earth Don't worry, little bro.
The bus was only one small part of the plan.
"Step four, stand out and grab Nori's attention by making the class laugh.
" That's really gonna help? Women love funny dudes.
Have you ever seen Steven Wright's girlfriend? Schwing! Quiet, you two.
Because of the Earth's rotation the pendulum knocks over one of these pegs every 20 minutes.
Now, I know what you're thinking, but it's science, not magic.
- Yes.
- Could you work some magic? Make the rest of this lecture disappear? It's like he stole our playbook.
Terrific.
Looks like we got a regular Steven Wright on our hands.
Okay, everyone, follow me.
- Yes? - But I really want to see the pendulum knock down a peg.
And I really want a job that pays an actual salary.
Follow me.
Did you hear that? I know how to impress Nori.
Watch this.
Hey, Nori! Check it out.
I think the peg's about to fall.
[grunts] [playful music] [wails] - [thud] - [all gasping] Uh-oh.
Ow.
Well, at least he got her attention.
Hey, hey, hey, why'd you storm out? He was just about to break out the shocky paddle things.
That's the guy I caught sleeping with Sarah.
That's the guy that ruined my marriage.
Him? Are you sure? Yeah, that's him.
God, this is horrible.
I don't want to have to see that guy at drop off every day.
Well, he's going to be there.
So like it or not, you're gonna have to confront him.
Oh, you mean punch him in the face.
No, I mean tell him what he did was wrong.
I don't know, I kind of like your face-punching idea better.
- That wasn't my idea.
- Don't be so humble.
Look, all I'm saying is just go up to the guy and tell him with words all the things you're feeling right now.
The hurt, the anger, betrayal.
Don't ignore it.
Talk to him.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, get him to let his guard down.
So I can punch him in the face.
Morning, Dad.
You're not dressed.
I thought we were playing tennis this morning.
- My God, I totally forgot.
- No problem.
I'll just grab some coffee while you get ready.
Um, no, I don't think I'm going to play today.
I don't really feel up to it.
Are you still upset because you ran into that horrible woman you hate? I think he got over it.
[playful piano music] Abby you remember Kelly.
Wow.
Must have been some comeback.
- Coffee? - No, thanks.
- I'm just gonna - Oh, you want - That's okay.
- You sure? - Yep.
No.
- But.
- Dude, it's your lucky day.
- Lucky? Yeah, I fell in a pit, sprained my wrist, and totally humiliated myself.
And now you reap the benefits of the sympathy card.
Nobody is going to have sympathy for me.
They're just gonna give me a new nickname.
Wristy Falls-in-a-pit-guy This school is rarely clever.
[chuckles] Falls-in-a-pit-guy.
- This is worse than "Chokey.
" - No, no.
I overheard Nori say she was totally worried about you.
Really? So I spoke to her and was able to parlay that worry into her saving you a seat at the movie.
Cool.
- Thanks, Justin.
- You got it, Wristy.
Hey.
Where do you think you're going? Oh, hey, Alex.
I was just heading to my car.
You don't even know who I am, do you? Oh I'm sorry.
I thought you said your name was Alex.
It is.
I Sorry, I thought I had already planned out something to say.
I didn't think that you were going to say what you did Look, the point is you slept with my wife, and this is a confrontation.
What? My wife was Sarah Riley.
Oh, my God.
[sighs] I swear, I I had no idea she was married.
Once I found out, I felt horrible.
Oh, you felt horrible? I know it's nothing compared to what you went through.
I destroyed your family, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Oh, so you really didn't know, huh? I didn't.
I know that doesn't fix things, but I really am sorry.
So if you If you need to punch me in the face, punch me in the face.
[playful music] Well, see, now I don't wanna.
I Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Um, yeah, or we could, uh, maybe have breakfast.
- Breakfast? - Yeah, breakfast.
You know, first meal of the day.
Sometimes served with orange juice or a mimosa, or in your case straight vodka.
[both chuckle] I just thought this was a one night, no breakfast kind of thing.
You know, wham-bam-no-Grand-Slam.
[laughs] So did I, but This was a lot of fun.
And I'm starving.
I guess a little breakfast couldn't hurt.
Let's, uh, see what's nearby.
Pull up nearby breakfast restaurants.
Oh, Corky's looks good.
Uh, no.
I can't take you there.
- Why, what's at Corky's? - No one.
- Do you have a girlfriend? - No.
Not a girlfriend.
Someone I like, probably shouldn't.
It's silly.
Are you kidding? This is great.
This is the first time I've genuinely been interested in you since we ran into each other last night.
Till now you were basically a piece of exercise equipment.
- You're sick, you know that? - [laughs] This is getting my competitive juices flowing.
I'm gonna make you forget all about this woman.
Well You've already made me forget about breakfast.
- Ow.
- What what's wrong? An old injury.
How's your wrist? Does it hurt? Nah, they gave me extra strength Tylenol.
The adult ones.
You know, the kind that firemen take after they fall off a ladder.
Alex, my man.
- Glad to see you're okay.
- Hey, Phil.
I gotta tell you, when I saw you fall in that pit all I could think of were the horrible nicknames people were going to call you.
Sprainy Wristopher [softly sobs] That one seems to be gathering steam.
- Are you crying? - Don't fall for it, Nori.
He's fake crying so you'll think he's a good guy.
But he seems really upset.
He's not upset.
He's the president of the drama club, and he's always bragging about having a commercial agent.
I just booked a J.
C.
Penney spot.
Welcome to the world famous Los Angeles Science and History Museum.
- [sobbing] - Our journey begins - billions of years ago.
- Faker.
- I am not, Wristopher.
- Shh.
Wristopher? That doesn't even make any sense.
- It's a play on Christopher.
- But that's not even my name.
If you want to talk so much, you can do it by yourselves.
[sweeping instrumental music] She's gone.
You don't have to keep fake crying.
My acting coach encourages me to access the memories of my dead grandma.
Here they come again.
[crying] Alex.
How'd your showdown go with the CPR guy? You're playing video games with? Hey, Jasmine's dad.
Can I just say, you have a beautiful home.
Isn't he the sweetest? - Here's a sweet dunk on you.
- No, come on, no.
- Oh.
- Oh, shut up.
How are you so good at this? What the hell is that man doing in my house? We actually have a lot in common.
Yeah, you both slept with your wife.
Yeah, and he feels terrible about it.
You know he hasn't had a good night's sleep since it happened.
So that's it, now you're just cool with him? I feel like you're not dealing with this.
Maybe I don't have to deal with it.
Maybe we can just be friends.
This isn't healthy man.
[sniffs] What is that smell? Ben brought a banana bread over.
He baked it himself.
Okay, if I have a slice, that does not mean I condone this.
Oh, no, you have to have a slice.
It is stupid good.
I do love me some banana bread.
Hey, Nori.
You okay? What is it about field trips that makes all the boys go bonkers? I mean, I expected this from other guys but not Alex.
Don't blame Alex.
It's all my fault.
Ever since I gave him the mint at the dance, you know, the one he choked on and spat into your mouth.
Yeah, I remember.
Well, ever since the Mint-cident, coined that term myself, I've trying to make up for it by playing matchmaker.
And when we saw you and Phil Ricozzi sitting together on the bus Phil Ricozzi? I wouldn't be into that guy in a million years.
Have you seen his Plumber King spot? Yeah, with that stupid slogan.
Both: "Nothing beats a Royal Flush.
" [both laugh] Oh, royal flush.
I just got that.
- But still Phil sucked.
- Agreed.
Mmm, how's it so moist all the way through? You know I can give you the recipe.
- Nah, I don't want it.
- Oh, my God.
You are killing me.
You haven't missed any three pointers this whole quarter.
How are you so good at this? My players, you know, they get to bed early.
They eat right.
They are not allowed in that nightclub - from Grand Theft Auto.
- [both laughing] Oh, and then before the game starts I just press X, X, square, down, X, circle, circle, circle.
Wait.
You use a cheat code? It's silly, I know.
Wait, so you were cheating? Oh, come on, if the game lets you do it, it's not really cheating, right? [controller thuds on table] So let me get this straight.
- You come into my house - Technically my house.
And without any consideration for anyone else's feelings, just because you felt like it, you cheated? Okay, I think I can see where this is going.
Cheater! I think he's coming to.
Are you okay, man? [groans] What happened? Well you punched Ben in the face, and then you screamed, "My wrist!" Then you fainted like a lady in a Jane Austen novel.
Hey, let me take a look at it, all right? Sorry, man, I don't know what happened.
I do.
You got a lot of repressed aggression against the guy who slept with your wife, and I think you needed to get it out.
I did.
I suddenly feel so much better.
[groans] Except for my wrist.
- How's your jaw? - It's fine.
You're probably still in shock.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Yeah.
Look, you were right, Darryl.
Ever since the divorce, I've all these feelings of anger and hurt just bottled up.
It all came out in one ferocious punch like I was a young Mike Tyson.
Well, how young are we talking here? - Like age 4? - I'm having a moment.
Ben, I appreciate you helping me get to this point, but I don't think we should be friends.
Totally get it, man.
We had a good run.
I have something else I want to say to that guy.
You want to get that banana bread recipe? - Just so moist.
- So moist.
So let me get this straight.
You could date any of these women.
Or these women.
Or this guy.
How did he sneak in there? But instead you choose someone you've hated for 20 years.
Hm.
I don't know what to tell you.
The heart wants what the heart is incredibly annoyed by.
So, you and Kelly, are you guys a thing now? Don't know.
But I like that I like someone.
And I like that it's not Eleanor.
Me too.
[bright music] You know, this guy's kinda cute.
[screen beeps] Hi, I'm Brad, but the ladies call me rad.
Nope.
Sometimes you find love in unexpected places.
But sometimes you just have to let it find you.
Hey, I'm going to the post office.
I can take that for you if you want.
Oh, no, thanks, Susan's coming by to pick it up.
- Susan? - What? I'm just sending a box.
To your parents who live five miles away? - And with nothing in it? - You're right.
I should probably throw some laundry in there, huh? - I'm proud of you, buddy.
- [chuckles] Other times, you're just happy to find out you're still in the game.
[sighs] Today was a disaster.
Except for one huge piece of information I uncovered.
Nori doesn't like Phil Ricozzi.
She doesn't? God, that's great.
That's one huge rival eliminated.
Yeah, now there's no one left standing in your way, little bro.
No one at all.
["There She Goes" playing] There she goes - There she goes - There she goes again There she goes Oh, crap.