Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

Home Alone

1 I've lived in a lot of places, but there's one house that, to me, will always feel like home.
A house is something special.
It's a member of the family that needs to be treated with love and respect.
And if you let us stay here alone overnight, that's exactly what we intend on doing.
So on this, the anniversary of the day you met, let us give you the greatest gift of all: Not spending money on a babysitter.
So what do you think? Well, Aunt Dee canceled.
So they either stay by themselves, or we don't go to Laguna.
Oh, we're going to Laguna.
We need to go to Laguna.
- All right, you can stay.
- Both: Yes! Just know that if you get into any trouble, we're not coming back.
- Yes, we will.
- Fine.
But there better be blood.
If you two are staying here alone, there are some rules: No junk food for dinner, no rated-R movies, and no eating candy in the bedroom.
Don't worry, Mom.
We'll follow all the rules.
[bright music] We're breaking every single one of those rules.
Oh, yeah.
- Now and Later? - Yes and yes.
No matter what happens, home has always been there for me when I need it.
Thanks for letting me stay here while Darryl's place gets fumigated.
Abby's with Sarah, so it'll just be me.
I hope I'm not imposing.
Don't be ridiculous.
Frankly, I could use the company.
Son of a bitch.
You should've seen this last one.
- What's happening? - Data gathering! Tomorrow I go in front of the city council to request a stop sign for our corner.
Your father has become obsessed with cars going too fast for the neighborhood.
I thought he was obsessed with finding the perfect pair of cargo shorts.
Every week of retirement is a new, fun adventure.
Oh, I see you, Sentra.
And no matter how many days have passed, that house represents something special to me Which is probably why I'm having a hard time saying good-bye.
[upbeat music] [upbeat music] Justin? Little bro! Bro who's barely older than me.
Hey, man.
What are you doing here? I thought you were in Singapore.
Yeah, well, I have a layover in LA for 36 hours, then my company's sending me to London.
Man, this place never changes.
You know our secret candy stash is still in that closet? Yeah, I wouldn't eat that.
Oh, that is very stale.
And then, after I designed the campaign that basically launched the body spray craze in Beijing, the company asked me to go to Vietnam to do the same thing.
Yeah, it's been a busy year.
But unfortunately, it has bumped me up into the top tax bracket.
Yeah, man.
I can relate to that because I am also in a tax bracket.
Things will turn around for you, champ.
You'll be out of that garage soon enough.
Let me tell you a story about a man who also faced some big challenges.
He was Sweetie, please don't bring up Sully again.
I'm a pilot, and he's our brightest star.
You know, I may have an interesting business opportunity for you, if you have time.
Well, Ron did put me on a shift on the radar gun, so yes, please! Our company does a lot of arena events, and we're looking for someone to build a better t-shirt cannon.
You know, one that fires twice as far without, and this is key, horribly injuring anyone at close range.
Well, I do love cannons, and t-shirts, and not horribly injuring people, so, yeah, I'm in.
Yeah! Well, Maggie, it looks like you got the noon to 5:00 shift on the radar gun.
Now if they go over 30, I want you to hit them with this air horn.
[horn blares] Dad.
Yeah, that ought to do it.
This is awesome! We're finally home alone! We are going to have the biggest party ever.
Are you kidding? They'll kill us.
Oh, Alex.
Not tonight! I'm talking about President's Day weekend, junior year.
So three years from now? Exactly.
We're just building up their trust.
An overnight here, a weekend there, and then, bang! We hit them with a rager.
I mean, hey, if we're not throwing a party, maybe I can invite Nori over.
- No parents, no Phil Ricozzi - No! I mean, "No" in a normal voice.
I just think having her here alone with us would be uncomfortable.
Why? ["There She Goes" by the La's plays] Oh, crap.
Because we're gonna watch an R-rated movie! There might be boobs, and we can't see boobs with a girl.
Can't argue with that logic.
Besides, tonight is more than the anniversary of the night my dad met your mom, it's the anniversary of the day that led us to becoming bros.
We should spend it together.
Just the two of us! - That's really - Sweet? I know, I'm a sweetheart.
Riley! You didn't have to come to the open house! I just thought I would stop by.
See how things are going.
Woo-hoo! Cookies.
Those are for the potential buyers.
They're gonna love them.
They're great.
Takes you back, doesn't it? - Justin! - Hey.
What are you doing here? Had a meeting in town this morning.
It was the annoying environmentalist who's still holding up my Hyperloop.
Figured I'd stop by and see how the sale was going.
- Ooh, cookies.
- Governor, I'm sorry.
They're for the Whatever! I can't believe we're letting this old place go.
You remember the first time we stayed here all alone? We watched our first R-rated movie together.
Lot of boobs.
And this is where we got drunk for the first time together.
Oh, yeah.
We threw up there, and some over there.
And a little over there.
Justin, come on, man.
How can we sell this place? It's like selling a part of our childhood.
Alex, we are not having this argument again.
The place has been sitting vacant for years.
It's time to let it go.
But I'm not voting for you in the next election.
[screaming] I thought this movie was supposed to be scary, but I am so un-scared.
Yeah, it should be rated R for "relaxing".
[knocking on door] [screaming] Who is it? Pizza! It sounds like a total lie.
But we did order a pizza.
That is true.
[screaming] Yeah, that happens all the time.
Here's your Cheesy Clown pizzas; that'll be $21.
Here you go.
Pretty big order.
Just you two little guys? Yep! My brother and I are home alone for the first time ever! You know what? Keep the change.
$19? Are you sure? Are you crazy? You just let that guy know that we're home alone without any adult supervision.
Yeah, now he knows we're cool.
Or really, really easy to rob.
You gave him a huge tip.
Now he thinks we're alone and rich.
Oh, God, we are totally getting robbed.
100%, and 90% getting murdered.
You are so good at math.
This is awful! I don't want to die! I want to live to kiss Nori Sterling! - Me too! - What? I mean I want to live to kiss somebody.
And you said Nori Sterling, so I just thought we were using her as a placeholder for all womankind.
This is bad.
We're home alone! There's a movie that tells kids exactly what to do in situations like this! "Home Alone.
" I-I got it.
Not a bad setup you've got here.
My family's spending our fumigation in a motel room with three TV channels, none of which are in English.
And let me tell you, "Senor Belveder" does not hold up.
Hey, check it out.
I already got a mock-up of the t-shirt cannon.
This baby's powerful enough to launch a hoodie.
Yeah, about that.
I had kind of a weird phone call with Justin's company about billing.
Look at us! You're making calls, I'm firing t-shirts at stuff, we are having a day! The thing is they have no record of this job.
No, it's all good, man.
Justin already gave me the first check.
It's right here.
Yeah, Alex, this is a personal check from your stepbrother.
Yeah, but he probably just gets reimbursed from the company later.
Yeah, that's not how any company anywhere deals with payroll.
Dude, I think Justin made up this job as an excuse to give you money.
What? Why would he do that? Never mind, I just thought of so many answers to that question.
But still, I'm not a charity case, okay? I don't need Justin's help.
I'm not taking his money.
[cannon fire] Okay, well maybe just a little bit to pay for the lamp.
Okay, if anyone enters the house, they're gonna set off the Alex Riley Burglar Buster 5000, patent pending.
This trip line releases the bowling ball which will activate the counterweight, which will hoist the intruder up into the air, while shooting them with the net cannon.
Also, I set up motion-activated deterrents - at every point of entry.
- Great.
I put a few of my Hot Wheels on the floor.
You know, to trip people.
That also took you 40 minutes? Yes.
Okay, well I ran everything through this power strip.
As soon as I hit this switch, we'll totally be safe.
[electronic crackling] [upbeat music] Okay, we're dead.
Okay, don't panic.
All we need to do is make some torches so we can see.
I'll break off some chair legs [knocking on door] Hey, kids! I'm back.
You're right, we're dead.
What do we do? Hide! [knocking on door] Seriously, guys, I think I left my wallet in there.
Guys? Ow! What was that for? For giving me money.
What is the matter with you? You found out the job was fake? You gave me a personal check.
There is no payroll that works like that is a thing that I just learned.
Well, I'm sorry, okay? I know you're going through a rough patch.
And I also know this is the only way you would accept help.
By inventing a fake job for me to do? Look, man.
I worry about you.
I wake up every day doing what I love.
Sure, usually it's in a garage, or at my parent's house, but I have faith that everything will fall into place.
What scares me is the idea of spending my life at a job that I know I'm just doing for the money.
- Did you just make that up? - Part of it.
I lifted some of it from a Sully interview that Ron made me watch.
But the sentiment still stands.
Life's gonna throw a lot of geese at you.
Don't let them bring you down.
Hi, so what do you think of the place? It's amazing.
Exactly what we're looking for.
Oh, yes.
It is a very special home.
I mean we'd obviously have to knock down this wall, and maybe this one too.
Ooh, that would really open up the living room.
Yeah, yeah, you could do that, if you were house destroying monsters who hated happiness.
I think an open floor plan is a lovely idea.
Bring in some nice feng shui.
Could you excuse us for a second? What the hell are you doing? These people seem really interested! Feng shui, what the hell do you know about feng shui? Actually when I lived in Beijing, I apprenticed under a feng shui master.
Okay, fine, so you know a lot about feng shui.
Listen to me.
If somebody wants to change this place, it's not an attack on us or our childhood.
It's just a building.
You get that, right? Yes, Justin.
I get that.
I'm thinking of tearing this place down and building something more contemporary.
[gasps] No! No, no, no! No! No, I'm sorry.
Everybody out! Go, everybody, go! Out! Out! None of you are worthy of this house! It is no longer for sale.
Lady, drop the cookie.
[upbeat music] If we die at the hands of some pizza guy slash killer clown, I want you to know that you have been the best older brother a guy 39 days younger than you could ever hope for.
I'm not that great.
What are you talking about? I need to confess something.
I kind of I have an overwhelming crush on Nori.
I saw her in slo-mo.
What? How could you do this to me? Where are you going? You're the worst big brother ever, and I'd rather die alone.
[creaking] Uh-oh.
Ow! Little bro! We are so good at traps.
What is Ron doing? Oh, making his own stop sign because he was turned down by city hall.
That doesn't seem remotely legal.
When safety is outlawed, only outlaws will be safe! Everyone, I have an announcement.
Alex helped me realize something very important last night: that I'm not happy.
So I quit my job! - You what? - But you love your job.
I was just saying that, Dad.
I know I should love being the rich, single guy with a corporate credit card and a series of model girlfriends.
Yes! You should! But it doesn't fulfill me! Not even a little? Okay, yeah, a little bit.
But I want more! I want what Alex has.
Well, Alex has nothing! - Ron! - It's pretty accurate.
Alex is pursuing his dream! That's what I want.
Life is too short for anything else.
What's your dream? I have no idea.
- Oh, God.
- No, this could be good.
He's gonna take some time off, figure out what he wants while living off his savings.
Oh, I have no savings.
I spent it as fast as I got it.
I have three dune buggies.
Why? Well, because my buddy Fred had two.
But now I have something more valuable than any number of dune buggies.
Thank you, little bro.
No, no, no, no, no reason to give me all the credit.
- No, I owe it all to you.
- Oh, no way.
He broke the good one.
Okay, what kind of jobs have you always wanted to do? Okay, sports agent.
Fighter pilot, race car driver, bartender but fancy Okay, now are these jobs that you want or roles Tom Cruise has played? Can't they be both? Yeah, okay.
I don't think we're ready for pen and paper just yet.
Oh, God! This is so hard.
I mean, how did you know you wanted to be an inventor? I guess I just always knew.
Man, I wish I had something like that.
Justin, not everybody has to have a dream.
You know some people just have jobs and enjoy their lives.
You always seemed like that type of guy.
Why don't you just ask for your old job back? It seemed like a pretty good gig.
Burned that bridge.
Scorched earth.
Here's the e-mail I sent to my boss last night.
Wow, yeah.
That pretty definitive.
You're lucky this guy's name rhymed with so many curse words.
Come on, man.
Get me out of here! No.
This is a great opportunity for me to explain.
There is nothing to explain.
You're supposed to be my brother, but you're in love with the same girl - that I'm in love with.
- It's not my fault.
I just suddenly noticed the way the sun glistens off her hair.
And how her eyes were that piercing shade of blue, - and how her - I know what she looks like.
Trust me, if I could make my feelings for her go away, I would.
I'd make mine go away, too.
But do you know how painful it is to want a girl who doesn't want you? I do now.
All right, look.
I like Nori, but so does most of the eighth grade.
And the seventh grade.
And don't forget Mr.
Murphy's lingering looks during Algebra.
Adding you to the long list of people who like Nori isn't going to make that much of a difference.
We can get through this.
Can we start with you getting me out of this thing? Oh, right.
[upbeat music] Hey, look at this! Pizza guy left his wallet here.
His name's Mervyn.
Both: Mervyn.
[knocking on door] [screaming] Guys! Well, what do you think? I think the letters are spaced out a little weird, but point gets across.
- [siren bloops] - I do too.
And we're going to jail.
We got a complaint that someone was installing their own stop sign.
Look, I tried to go through proper channels here.
How about a little professional courtesy? - Oh, you're a cop? - Pilot.
23 years with TWA.
And then six months with Dollar Jet when my eyes started to go.
But we're both men of uniform.
Yeah, I bet you guys have a lot of co-workers with similar mustaches.
Cops and pilots.
He made me do this.
I have a daughter.
Everything okay over here? It will be once these two get rid of that.
Really? You're gonna keep an old man from making his neighborhood safer? Maybe don't talk back to the cop.
Also, old man? I can still do more push-ups than both of you.
- All right, fine.
- Dad, come on.
Either we get rid of this thing, or I'm writing you a citation.
Whoa, hold on now.
The only citation this man deserves is for patriotism.
This country was founded on the idea that when change is necessary, we make that change.
I'm sorry, he's going through a bit of a midlife crisis.
It's true, I'm trying to figure out what my dream is.
And I have no idea.
This man, this man right here, he does.
His dream is an octagonal red sign and a neighborhood free from speeding cars and no one should have the right to take that away from him.
[applause] Wow, I really respect your passion.
So we can keep the sign! No, this thing's still very illegal.
Also, it looks like my six-year-old made it.
But that was a hell of a speech.
I'd vote for you if you ran for something.
There you go, sir.
[upbeat music] Vote for me? That's interesting.
Hey, little bro.
- Mind if I join you? - Your room as much as mine.
And there.
What? That first night we got drunk, we threw up there too.
[laughter] That was some party we threw in our junior year, huh? Yep, spent three years building up Dad and Maggie's trust and blew it in one night.
And I'd do it again, too.
[laughter] [sighs] - I miss them.
- Me too.
I remember walking in this house for the first time.
And I was terrified.
Everybody said having a stepbrother would be the worst.
Yeah, but turned out I was a total sweetheart.
Yes, you were.
[thud] What's that? Ah! Where did you guys come from? Wait! You don't Oh, there you boys are.
Come on! I am so sorry.
Our boys love playing hide and seek.
Huh! You have a lovely home.
I bet it was a great place to grow up.
Really? You like it? The way it is? So much, but it's way out of our price range.
[upbeat music] Maybe we could work something out.
Here's the thing.
That house was the best home I ever had.
But a home is more than just a house.
It's how the people in that house make you feel.
Well, there we go: the paperwork is officially filed.
When I get back to San Diego, I am running for city council.
We're so proud of you, Justin.
I never would've figured this out if it wasn't for my little bro.
Happy to help.
I mean it's been a rough year, you know? Everyone helping me, Darryl giving me a place to live, you giving me that pity money It's nice to help someone else for a change.
People helping people.
That is what it's all about.
Oh, by the way, definitely don't cash that check now.
I'm gonna need every cent of that.
Got it.
You guys are gonna vote for me, right? Of course.
Well, we live in a different city, so no.
Come on, like you're gonna let that stop you.
Okay, not a great start.
Home is also about the memories you make with those people while you're there.
What do you think happened? Who cares what happened? Laguna happened.
[laughter] Even after you leave a house, the home you had there stays with you forever.
And the best part is, when you do eventually leave that house - Go in the kitchen - Okay.
Hi! Welcome! This is where we can hide our candy! Perfect! it gets to be somebody else's home too.
[upbeat music]