Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e09 Episode Script


1 The best thing about Thanksgiving is there is no wrong way to celebrate it.
Whether you're following old traditions All right, Abby.
Have fun with your mom.
No no, I don't want you to put Grandma Helen on.
No, that's the one silver lining of divorce.
Nothing, sweetheart.
Just eat a lot of pie, and I'll see you on Sunday.
[upbeat music] Or starting new traditions So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
What do you want to do? Actually, I have a last-minute meeting in Vancouver.
Who works on Thanksgiving? Every other country besides ours.
You would know this if you didn't quit like a wimp after some minor health scare.
It was a massive heart attack, and I didn't quit.
I retired.
What's the difference? When you retire, you get a watch.
It was your company.
I bought myself a watch.
Even if everything else in your life changes, there's always one tradition that makes Thanksgiving perfect.
[school bell rings] [all cheering] Hey, guys.
["There She Goes" by The La's playing] There she goes There she goes again Racing through my brain Okay, well, have a good weekend.
So you know how I said both of us liking Nori wouldn't be a problem? - It might be a problem.
- Huge problem.
Plus, my calves are super exhausted from standing ever-so-slightly on my toes.
You know what? It's gonna be good to take a break from all this for four days.
Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving.
Nori Sterling! Nori's coming to Thanksgiving? - Mm-hm.
- My Nori? I m our Nori? I mean, not ours, but - Nori Sterling? - Yes.
I ran into her mother at the grocery store.
She and Nori's dad have to go to town last-minute because of a sick aunt.
[whispers] Alcoholism.
Anyway, they're leaving Nori home with her older brother, so I said we'd have the kids over for Thanksgiving dinner.
Mom, I'm not sure that's a great idea.
I know.
You're worried it's already a lot of pressure on me, cooking my first Thanksgiving for our new family.
Yes, that was exactly our concern.
Well, don't worry! I know I'm not the greatest cook, but I found some amazing insider tips in this new magazine called "Martha Stewart Living.
" But isn't Thanksgiving supposed to be about family, to the exclusion of all others? Well, what could be more in the spirit of the holiday than inviting people who have nowhere else to go? It'll be like they're the Pilgrims and we're the welcoming natives.
I don't think she remembers how that story ends.
What is that? Divorce Thanksgiving.
Looked into Postmating a giant turkey leg from Disneyland, but apparently the driver would have to buy an all-day pass.
Getting too complicated.
What are you talking about? You're obviously celebrating here with us.
I mean, with Abby at her mom's and your parents away on their annual "keep Maggie out of the kitchen" cruise Yeah, every year, Ron gets horribly seasick, but he says it beats her cranberry sauce.
So it's settled.
You're in.
Are you sure about this? I don't want to be a burden.
You live in my garage.
Having you over for one meal is not what makes you a burden.
Ooh, you took a shot at me.
Feels like Thanksgiving already.
[chuckles] [jaunty music] Happy Thanksgiving.
What are you doing here? I thought you had plans with your girlfriend.
Girlfriend? Oh, no, I wouldn't call her my Well, the nomenclature is somewhat undecided at the moment.
Anyway, she's out of town on business.
Oh, that's too bad.
So I was thinking, Abby has a Bulls game in Boston, Richard's out of town, so you and I could do a I don't know, let's call it "completely casual platonic Friendsgiving"? - Catchy.
- Ha.
But I can't.
I've got to work all day.
[scoffs] What kind of weirdo comes here for Thanksgiving? Hey, I'm here for Thanksgiving.
Yeah, and you're a weirdo, Tom.
Copy that.
So what? Come on.
Can't take a break for just a little bit? I'm sorry.
I wish I could.
So today, I guess, um I'm one of those weirdos.
Just today, Mr.
50-year-unrequited-love? Shut up, Tom.
Copy that.
[jaunty music] Martha says to have two or three craft options, so to be safe, I went with nine.
My famous mashed potatoes are done.
Good Lord, Maggie, leave some glue sticks for the rest of the world.
I just want our first Thanksgiving as a family to be perfect, okay? - It will be, sweetheart.
- [sighs] How's the turkey coming along? Ah, crap.
Making memories, boys.
[sighs] Okay.
Nori's going to be here any minute.
We're gonna have to spend the whole day with her.
We need to figure something out.
- Like what? - Some ground rules to make sure everything stays fair and we don't kill each other when she's here.
Okay, uh, how about this? Rule number one: neither of us is allowed to be alone with Nori.
Okay, but what if one of us has to go to the bathroom? Rule number two: in the event of a bathroom break, we agree that the non-bathroom-goer will excuse himself to do something of equal duration, away from Nori.
- But it can't be cool.
- Agreed.
Cannot be cooler than going to the bathroom.
This is a great set of rules.
We should get a Nobel Peace Prize for them.
Move over, Mikhail Gorbachev.
I can't believe Russians aren't the bad guys anymore.
And they never will be again.
[both chuckling] Happy Thanksgiving! Terrible sweater.
Ha, ha! I know, right? Sarah always hated it, but guess what? She's not here.
And neither is Abby.
It's actually my first Thanksgiving without her.
I think you made the right choice, sacrificing Thanksgiving for Christmas.
Yeah, Christmas is the divorced parent's Holy Grail.
Now what do you say we start filling up this little bad boy with some marshmallows and yams? Well, actually, this year, we're doing a low-carb Thanksgiving.
[laughs] Low-carb Thanksgiving.
Oh, God, that's not a joke.
Ah, you won't even notice the difference.
- But you will have pie? - No, but we have [Italian accent] Zucchini torte.
[laughs] [Italian accent] "Zucchini torte.
" Oh, god, none of these are jokes.
Alex, why don't you go change that sweater before we sit down? What? It's fun.
Come on, it's just us.
Who cares? Wait, it is just us, right? [doorbell rings] I may have invited a friend.
Did you set me up on Thanksgiving? Is this a Thanksgiving setup? No, although you did say you were ready to get back out there.
Yeah, but not with some random woman.
I'll get the door.
Calm down.
It's not a setup.
Is it possible to turn that sweater inside-out? No? Okay.
Come on in.
Random woman.
Lisa! I'm so glad you could join us.
Well, thank you for having me.
I brought this bag of almonds.
It was the only thing in my house that was low-carb.
[laughs] Lisa, this is Darryl's business partner, Alex.
- Hi.
- Alex, Lisa is a good friend.
She also likes basketball.
Oh, wow, so we're both fans of the most popular sport in the country.
What are the chances? [both laugh] Lisa, Alex is an inventor who was born in Chicago, and, Alex, Lisa went to college in Chicago.
Chicago is nice Mm-hm.
Pizza is nice.
[whispering] Oh, this is going really well.
[laughs nervously] Kelly, what are you doing here? Me? What are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me at the airport hours ago.
I was? Nah.
I just love messing with an old man.
We couldn't fly into Vancouver 'cause of fog, so I'm grounded for a few hours.
How did you find me here? Well, I triangulated the coordinates from your last text and Come on.
When are you not here? So, can I meet her? Who? I have no idea who you're talking about.
You know what? I think Let's leave.
Where are you going? Oh, is this your girlfriend? Girlfriend? Did you hear that, Alex? We're official.
- I am Kelly.
- Eleanor.
So you went to middle school with Alex? I need to hear all the stories.
No, no, she doesn't have time for that.
It's the Thanksgiving rush.
Actually, the rush is over.
Well, I'm sure you gotta get ready for Christmas.
Or not.
Do you want to hear how sweet he was, or a bunch of embarrassing stuff? I think we both know the answer to that.
Just [sighs] Nori.
May I take your jacket, while Alex, equally helpfully, takes your bag? - Sure.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, my mom said to thank you for inviting us.
- Oh - And to compliment your food, even though it probably won't be any good.
Okay, I don't think you were supposed to say that last part.
I was not.
Well, I'm gonna go check on the turkey.
It should be done.
It's been almost an hour, so Hey, Nori.
That's a really cool shirt.
And I like it exactly as much as he does.
No more, no less.
I love the Chili Peppers.
Scott introduced me to them.
I'm seeing them at the Forum next week.
I'm a huge pepper-head.
I can name all four band members, so Scott has great taste in music.
I pretty much like everything he likes, and not just music.
I mean, he has great taste in everything.
You know, Scott, I also love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Yeah, man? Sweet.
And might I just add, Scott, those sneakers are super rad.
K-Swiss, if I'm not mistaken? Hey, good eye, little dude.
Who wants some cheese and crackers? I'd load up.
Might be the only food you're getting for a while.
[soft rock music] I know what you're doing.
Nori likes everything that Scott likes, so you're trying to get Scott to like you so that Nori will like you.
So? That's not against the rules.
Fine, you found a loophole, but that means I'm allowed to try and win Scott's heart, too.
You know, for the purpose of trying to win his sister's heart.
Hey, Scott, can I spread the cheese on your cracker for you? Let me do it, Scott.
Let me spread your cheese.
Thank you, Wendy.
Thank you.
I already have wine, but No, I'll take a little more.
[smooth jazz] Thank you.
It's good.
It's good.
[both laughing] Hey, Wendy, I could go for some cheese.
Oh, yeah, I'd I'd love some cheese.
Come on, Jasmine, let's go get some cheese.
I don't want cheese.
Getting cheese is a three-person job.
Let's go.
Hey, just so you know, I had nothing to do with this cartoonishly obvious setup.
If I had, I would've worn my turkey pants, to match my sweater.
You don't really have turkey pants, do you? - Um - You have turkey pants? I do.
I have turkey pants, yes, to go with the sweater.
What is it about married people that makes them so obsessed with setting up their single friends? I don't know.
It's like they're starved for entertainment the second "Game of Thrones" ends.
You know what? I say if they want entertainment, let's give them a real show.
Should I - No, you don't need your turkey pants.
- Cool, cool, thank you.
You never told me you were the president of the middle school inventors' club.
I was also the vice president, secretary, treasurer And the entire membership.
That's not true.
Darryl came to a couple meetings.
Because you told him pizza would be served.
I'm not enjoying this.
I still don't understand why you two never got together in junior high.
Well, you know, same old story.
Boy meets girl, boy spits mint into girl's mouth in front of the entire school, girl loses interest in boy, boy loses interest in mints.
I didn't lose interest in you.
After he spit a mint in your mouth? Ugh.
The other day, he tried to take a sip of my soda.
I almost broke up with him.
If you didn't lose interest, why didn't we go out? Because you never asked.
I don't know what she's talking about, because I never asked.
Teenage boys are so pathetic.
I haven't found older men to be much of an improvement.
Well, I'm finding older women to be to be the greatest resource this country has.
Ah, everything is fantastic, Wendy.
Especially the company.
How is it that you don't have a girlfriend? I guess I never went to the right Thanksgiving.
Can I watch "Moana"? Oh, but we haven't said what we're thankful for.
I'm thankful for "Moana.
" [chuckles] I'd like to make a toast.
First, I'd like to say that I'm thankful for old friends, and new friends, who have the potential to be so much more.
Told you this would work.
For the past eight months, I have been wandering, adrift, floating through life, alone, but tonight, I see land.
Is that from "Moana"? I'm thankful for friends like Wendy and Darryl, the compass which guided me to this gorgeous woman's shores.
Well, drop anchor, but watch out for the riptide.
So the waves are rough, huh? Uh, they can be if they - if they need to be.
- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.
- Mommy, the D - Go back to your room! - Who's your friend? - That's Kenny.
Hey, Kenny, you might want to shut your eyes.
How long until the turkey's ready? An hour, if I put it in eight hours ago.
Well, that's not ideal, because the hunger is clearly making the kids delusional.
Sweet wallet chain.
You've got amazing hair.
Oh I better speed things up.
Is there anything ready? We may have gotten a bit off-schedule, but I have one last potential tradition to test out.
Let's all go around and say what we're thankful for.
I'll go first.
I'm thankful my dad, Maggie, and adorable little bro here could host such esteemed guests as Nori, and especially Scott, who's like the rad older brother I never had.
You know, I am also thankful that Scott is here, and I also think that he is like the older brother that I also don't have.
Well, I'm thankful I don't have to cuddle with my Ewok doll when there's thunder outside.
Well, I'm thankful I didn't start crying so hard during "Fievel Goes West" that my mom had to take us home early! You said you wouldn't tell anyone about that! And Chewie's not an Ewok.
He's a Wookiee.
[smoke alarm beeps] Ah! The turkey! Next year, we're taking a cruise.
You know, when I found out Alex was having Thanksgiving here, I thought, "What a weirdo," but the food is fantastic.
Oh, you're sweet.
You two are really hitting it off, aren't you? Did you think that we would not? No, I-I obviously, I'm very happy that you like each other.
I guess I just thought that a meal between my girlfriend and my girl friend there might just be the tiniest morsel of jealousy.
And who would be jealous? I don't know.
Or you.
Or either, or both.
Oh, I see, you wanted us to have a pillow fight over you or something? No, no Well, if that's on the table What is there to be jealous about? I'm with Richard, you're with Kelly, who is amazing, by the way.
Oh, right back at you, girlfriend.
We're all happy.
We're all happy.
[phone beeps] Oh, looks like my flight's back on.
I gotta run.
I will let you know as soon as I land.
I'll get you some pie to go.
Oh, no, that's okay, but I will be contacting you for those pictures of teenage Alex in his frosted-tips phase.
Hey, let's not wait till next Thanksgiving to do this again.
Oh, let's never do this again.
[scoffs] Good-bye.
Number two is before number five on the list.
But you did the I know what you guys are doing.
Did you really think your stupid plan was going to work? - Nori, listen, we can explain.
- We can explain.
Explain what? You're obviously just trying to get Scott to give you his extra ticket to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert.
- Extra ticket? - Yeah, that's exactly what we were doing.
Definitely nothing stupider.
Well, you better back off.
I've been sucking up to Scott and agreeing to his dumb opinions for weeks.
That ticket is mine, and if you try to fight me for it, you will lose.
I thought this would go without saying, but when wooing a woman, don't woo the brother.
The woman's the one you want to woo.
New tradition.
We're going out.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- You like it? - I do.
I love it.
[whispering] I think they really like each other.
I think I want to be sick.
[Alex and Lisa giggling] Mm.
I think they're buying it.
Look, they're about to come back.
- Do you trust me? - I think so.
- Just go with this.
- Okay.
Okay, we've got zucchini torte Oh, my god! [gasps] - Oops, sorry.
- This is so embarrassing.
Oh, God, we must look like a couple of teenagers.
But I just can't get enough of this wonderful woman.
Both: Noses, noses, noses! Noses, noses, noses.
Somehow that is grosser than actual kissing.
Shh! We wanted this.
Kind of.
I know we have only but just met, but when you know, you know.
What are you saying? Lisa, whatever your last name is, I love you.
Oh! Will you marry me? Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes! - Oh, goodness! - Yes, yes! All right, all right.
We get it.
You guys are messing with us.
[laughs] Thank you, thank you.
[laughs] Just a little payback for a blind setup on Thanksgiving.
I would be pissed at you guys if I wasn't so thankful that was fake.
I thought you wanted us to get together.
Yeah, that went out the window when you let him eat a green bean off your chin.
[laughter] Well played, well played.
Well, tonight was a total bust.
Much like the first Thanksgiving, our first Thanksgiving together was ruined by the hottest girl in school.
Okay, look, Justin.
It wasn't Nori that ruined Thanksgiving.
It was us.
Yeah, you're right.
Tonight, I really saw a side of myself I didn't like.
Yeah, and I really saw a side of you I didn't like, either.
But maybe, I was also kind of being a little bit of a jerk.
You said it was okay that I liked Nori, but I don't want that to mean we're competing against each other.
I mean, Nori's great, but you're my brother, and I'm thankful you are.
Let's agree that whatever happens, we won't let girls come between us.
Bros before girls.
Man, if that rhymed, it would be perfect.
Bye, guys.
Thank you.
Just gonna walk her out.
Okay, so we both agree that a low-carb Thanksgiving is fundamentally un-American, right? Yeah, I feel like we have to report them to Homeland Security.
[laughs] - Can I admit something? - Yeah.
We're fake engaged.
We can't keep secrets.
The thing is, uh that was my first kiss since the divorce.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry I attacked you like that.
No, no, having my first kiss be a joke kiss actually took the pressure off.
I had a lot of fun hanging out with you tonight.
You almost made up for Wendy's vegan zucchini torte.
Nothing can make up for that torte.
You're right.
You didn't even come close.
[laughs] Who has Thanksgiving without pie? I don't know.
[laughs] [romantic music] We can never give Wendy and Darryl the satisfaction of knowing that this worked.
Well, what do you think? If I'm being honest, this might be the best pie I have ever tasted.
Thank you.
And if I'm being honest, I was a little jealous.
Best Thanksgiving ever.
There's no wrong way to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Whether you spend it with old friends New friends Or family, both old and new, you can't go wrong, as long as you have people you care about.
Oh, and pie.
You gotta have pie.