Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

Video Games

1 It's important in life to have things to look forward to.
Sometimes, anticipation gets the better of you.
Behold, this year's Christmas gift hiding spot.
[door creaks] I don't know, this feels like a breach of trust.
Plus, aren't we kind of ruining the magic and spirit of A Super Nintendo Entertainment System? No way! 16-bit graphics? 16? I mean, can a human eye even see that much detail? I used to be a critic of the crass commercialism of this holiday, in which parents think they can just buy love, but this? This buys my love.
We have to wait three weeks until Christmas to play with it? - It'll be torture.
- We could open it up, play a game, you know, just to make sure it works, then put it right back where we found it.
Just one game.
Okay, but just one game, and then I gotta get back to work.
I love how dedicated you are.
It's very impressive.
Well, sleeping next to Darryl's leaf blower - is a powerful motivator.
- It's all gonna pay off.
You're very talented.
You work hard.
You can do anything, except beat your girlfriend in Death Grudge".
- Oh! - Oh, no! Oh, come on, don't rip my spine out! Oh, and then strangle me with it? Oh, my God, you are a horrible person.
Also, how did you do that? Is there, like, a code? But no matter how old you get, you can still find new things to get excited about.
Back on D! Let's go! Come on! Good job.
Protect the lane! Watch your man.
Get your assignment.
[stammers] Ref! That was a travel.
He walked! - Time out.
Time out! - [whistle blows] Come on.
Huddle up, huddle up.
All right, look, this next play is gonna be huge for us.
- I need to go to the bathroom.
- [drones] [exhales, chuckles] This VR stuff is insane.
[soft chuckle] Oh, um this may be a minute, so stay loose, guys.
Maybe do a little stretching.
[bright music] And instead of Mario's shirt looking like two red blocks, on the Super Nintendo, it looks like four red blocks.
All: Whoa! Big deal.
I've had my console for a month.
My dad's stationed in Japan, so I get all the latest gadgets as soon as they come out.
It's pretty sweet, and totally makes up for us finding out he has a secret second family there.
- How does that make up for - The point is, my Nintendo's not stuck in some closet till after Christmas.
Nori, you should come over and play sometime.
Yeah, I don't think so, Phil.
You sure? I can show you the blue Yoshi.
It's not gross.
It's from the game! It sounded gross when you said it, Phil, like most things.
You really didn't have to drive me home.
Oh, come on, we're two weeks in, and I still haven't seen your place.
Plus, it's the gentlemanly thing to do.
Totally not because there's a fancy new donut place - around the corner.
- [giggles] Here we are.
[bright music] Oh, my God Do you live with your parents? And are your parents Jay-Z and Beyoncé? Nope.
I live alone.
The rest of the rooms are for my dolls.
I'm just kidding.
My dolls sleep in my room.
- [chuckles] - I'm still kidding.
[chuckles] You're weirded out by how big it is, aren't you? I just had no idea social workers raked it in like this.
No, it's family money.
I didn't say anything, because guys can get intimidated, you know? Kinda like you are right now not saying anything.
I'm sorry, I'm just taking it in.
So, my super cool girlfriend, who loves video games, is also super rich.
[inhales] Yeah.
I can do it.
I'm still in.
- Yay! - [chuckles] Okay, so, listen, I've been playing this VR basketball game in coach mode, and I discovered something very interesting.
- Coach mode? - Yes.
Well, I was in player mode, but I did a windmill dunk, fell on the coffee table, hurt my back, so now I'm coaching.
Is this really the best way to spend your time? I am retired.
I can do whatever I want, as long as it's low-impact and before 10:00 p.
But I discovered something you're gonna be very interested in.
Is it sunlight? 'Cause you need sunlight.
I found the missing piece for the Bulls.
- Xavier Murray.
- Xavier Murray? The journeyman forward for the Heat that can't go to his left or his right or shoot? - He's terrible.
- Uh-uh.
He was just a bad fit in Miami.
When I put him on the Bulls, he was incredible.
He won us the championship.
You gotta trade for this kid.
Okay, Dad, I'm glad that he won your fake team - a pretend trophy.
- You know that you can literally feel the confetti when it falls, and you get to go to fake Disneyland.
But I am the actual General Manager of the real Bulls, and I can't listen to every fan who has a great idea, particularly when it's a terrible one.
I taught you everything you know about basketball.
When you were eight, and I was coaching your team, you listened to every word I said.
You mostly just shouted, "Score more points.
" And you're gonna argue with that strategy? Dude, you took the console out again? That is so irresponsible.
I'm proud of you.
Wait, why are you playing with the sound off? So our parents won't hear.
Where has this evil genius little brother been? Hey, boys! [solemn music] [knocking on door] It's getting kinda late, don't you think? Maybe it's time to turn off [man speaking on TV] Charlie Rose? [chuckles] Oh, yeah, you know, I I really wanted to see his interview with, uh "former Israeli Deputy Prime Minister Abba Eban.
" Yeah.
Okay We'll see you in the morning.
That was too close.
We need to put this thing back until Christmas.
I'll box it up.
Just let me play one more game.
[light clicks off, alarm clock beeping] [alarm clock clicks] [sighs] [bright music] Little bro? Just five more minutes.
Hold on Lisa lives in a mansion? That woman brought a $9 bottle of wine to Thanksgiving.
Wait, Wendy really never told you that Lisa was loaded? You know, she was probably worried I'd do something inappropriate, like ask Lisa to finance one of our projects.
[chuckles] You know, we should ask Lisa to finance one of our projects.
We are not hitting my girlfriend up for money.
Alex You came to me two months ago with a game-changer.
You had figured out the missing element to making home-based water reclamation economically feasible.
- Do you remember what you said? - I mean, yeah.
I was watching "Back to the Future" on my phone while I was going to the bathroom, and I stood up and hit my head on the stupid cabinet.
That's right, and when you came to, you had a vision for how to make it all work.
- The Flush Capacitor.
- It's genius.
The only thing standing in our way is financing.
Investors just don't think people will drink recycled toilet water.
[sighs] After the process, it's totally clean.
Our water would have the same amount of poop as any other water, which is zero, which is probably how I should've started that sentence.
This thing could be huge, man.
We just need an investor who believes in us.
[inhales] Fine.
Um, I'll talk to Lisa, but I'm not gonna push it.
Hey, look, all's I'm saying is we know she's got the money, 'cause she sure ain't spending it on wine.
[both chuckle] - [phone ringing] - Incoming call from Abby.
- [table screen trills] - Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Dad.
You'll never guess what happened.
I just got out of a meeting with my owner, who independently brought up trading for Xavier Murray.
- What a crazy coincidence! - [derisive chuckle] I know you called Mr.
Joseph, Dad.
All you billionaires are friends.
Oh, no no.
[swishes] He's not my friend.
I mean, uh, occasional golf buddy, who I accidentally butt-dialed don't know how that's still a thing and when I had him on the phone, the subject of Xavier Murray naturally came up.
I can't believe you'd go behind my back like this.
And now, I'm on my way to stupid Miami, because Mr.
Joseph is intrigued by the idea.
Really? Yeah.
This scrub could end up on my team, all because of your dumb video game.
Sweetheart, hate the player, not the game.
Oh, I have some thoughts on the player as well.
Abby, I'm sorry.
I did not mean to undermine you.
Oh, but if you win a championship, will I get a ring? [screen trills] I'm sure I'll get a ring.
Dinner is served.
I call this "stuff I got from the Thai place that delivers that I put on a plate".
- You are too good to me.
- [chuckles] So, how was your day? What are you and Darryl working on? Eh, nothing too exciting.
It's actually very exciting! Sorry.
Wait, why am I apologizing? This is my house.
- [chuckles] - So, what is it? Uh, so it's basically this box that recycles and cleans household waste water so you can drink it.
So you mean like poop water? Why does everyone go right to that? Alex, that sounds awesome.
Do you have it? Does it work? I mean, we're still in the early stages, you know.
We still don't have a prototype, but yeah, I think it'll work.
We're just having trouble finding investors.
- I'm in.
- What? - I'm in.
- You are? - She is? - Darryl My house.
Are you sure about this? I don't want you to feel weird.
Alex, believe me, I would never invest in something just to be nice.
I'm not that nice.
- [chuckles] - Don't you remember when I ripped your spine out and strangled you with it? Yeah, I did not like the gleam in your eye when you did that.
[chuckles] - So, you're in? - I'm in.
Thank you so much.
You are not gonna regret this.
- I guess this calls for a toast.
- Oh, why don't we open - the bottle of wine I brought? - Okay.
Oh, wow, uh, Walgreens has a store brand now.
- Good for them.
- [chuckles] - [man speaking on TV] - Justin, we have a problem.
The Nintendo, not in the Christmas closet.
I hid it.
Now, can we talk about this later? Charlie Rose is interviewing George Plimpton.
- You hid it? - Hey, he was just about to talk about the early days of "The Paris Review".
Where'd you put it? Why would you do this to me? It's for your own good, little bro.
- You have a problem.
- I do not.
Remember last month, when Officer Dave talked to the school assembly about addiction? You show all the classic signs.
- You're an addict.
- I'm not an addict.
Boom, number one on the list: "Denies they're an addict".
Justin, just tell me where you hid it! Oh, hello! Number two: "Flashes of anger".
- Ah-ha-ha! - Oh, no, no, leave it alone! - Ha! - Don't touch that! Give it! Give it! I won't let you do this to yourself.
- [crashes, clatters] - No! [solemn music] I I I can fix it.
I I I can, I can.
I can I can fix it.
[ecstatic exhale] Shh She's gone.
She's not coming back.
But everything is gonna be okay.
Actually, we're in big trouble.
What are we gonna do? If Christmas morning comes around, and and that box is empty, we're in big trouble.
Hey, we can figure this out.
We can accomplish anything we set our minds to.
You heard Alan Alda on Charlie Rose.
I'm hooked.
What can I say? The long-form interview is a lost art.
This is the gift of the season.
Even if we had the money, all the stores are sold out.
I think I know where we might be able to find one, but you're not gonna like it.
Well, well, well I knew something like this would happen.
You knew that we would destroy our SNES and have to come to you to get a replacement? I said "something like this".
Phil, buddy, pal, we just need to borrow your console for a couple of weeks, until after Christmas break.
[sighs] Tell you what, I'll give you mine dramatic pause if you get me a date with Nori Sterling.
- [groans] - What? What does that have to do with anything? I don't know, you guys seem to be friends with her, and I get the sense that she doesn't like me at all.
Right, so how are we supposed to get her to go out with you? Yeah, assuming we even wanna go along with the stupid plan, which we don't.
Oh, I'm sorry, is that a Phil Ricozzi problem? No, it's a kids with no Nintendo problem.
I hate that guy.
Gotta hand it to him, though, he really recognizes leverage.
All right, now that Lisa's investing, we can get serious about prototyping, and if all goes well, in six to nine months, we will be drinking reclaimed waste.
From your lips to God's ears.
Or my butt to your mouth.
[chuckles] Wait, did we just come up with a new tagline? - We did not.
- No, we did not.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, there she is.
- [giggles] - Hey.
I said Lisa could come by and see what she's paying for.
I hope I'm not stepping on any toes.
I don't wanna interrupt your process.
Hey, you are the money [chuckles] and the money can look at whatever it likes.
Could you not refer to my girlfriend as "the money"? - [mumbles] - Wow, are these the plans? Yeah, here it is.
The Flush Capacitor.
[chuckles] What do you think? Wow, so cool.
You guys are gonna come up with a different name for it, though, right? What? No, it's a great name.
It's a reference to "Back to the Future.
" Oh, no, I get it.
I just don't care for movies and TV shows that jump back and forth in time.
Oh, I upset you.
You're upset.
- No.
[chuckles] - I'm sorry.
- I shouldn't have said anything.
- No, no, no, no, it's fine.
You're the investor, and you get a say, - right, Alex? - Yep.
Okay, phew.
Uh, I'm gonna go inside and say hi to Wendy, but I just wanna say, guys, everything looks really great, and I'm so excited to be a part of it.
We are excited to have you.
[chuckles] And, hey no rush on getting that list of new names together for me.
You know, whenever you get the chance.
Suggestion? H-number-two-O.
- Get it? - Yeah, sure do.
- [chuckles] - [chuckles] Oh, I do not like this.
I don't like this at all.
Well, you asked her what she thought.
Yeah, and she's my girlfriend.
I thought she would lie to me and say everything was amazing, - like she does after sex.
- Well, she's also an investor, and investors always have thoughts.
Yeah, and I always resent them for it.
It just feels unhealthy to have one person in the relationship giving orders to the other.
[chuckles] You should tell Wendy that.
[chuckles] Yeah, I'm not gonna tell Wendy that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[bright music] - All right, all right.
- [exhales] You ready to get your butt kicked in virtual basketball? Bring it on, old man.
Loser buys dinner.
Tonight, I'm planning on both surfing and turfing.
All right, fine, fine, fine.
I gotta warn you, though.
- I've got a secret weapon.
- Oh, yeah, what's that? Xavier Murray.
I traded him to the Bulls.
Now he is incredible.
Because of me, he may get on the real Bulls.
Alex, the only reason he's good in the video game is because I goosed his performance ratings the last time I was here.
I gave him super jumping and super speed.
Why? Why? Why why Why would you do that? I wanted him to be more fun to play with, 'cause in the video game, he sucks, like he does in real life.
[slow, awkward music] Oh, no.
Oh, let's go see the new "Justice League" movie.
Really? What about this Nancy Meyers film? It's a love story set in a nursing home that has the most amazing kitchen.
That sounds terrible.
[chuckles] Okay.
[gasps] How 'bout this: We go see your film, and we don't call your invention the Flush Capacitor? - Nancy Meyers it is.
- Okay.
First of all, I wanna say, there's a lot of - really great stuff here - Okay.
Thank you? But I do have a few notes.
Could this blue be bolder? How about a round edge there? Is this the most effective font? It's like the kitchen was a character in the movie.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Uh, nothing.
Uh, we were just talking about how weird it is that Phil Ricozzi's single.
I'll say.
It's just a matter of time before some lucky girl snatches him up.
I'll say.
Have you ever looked into his eyes? They're so piercing, yet inviting.
- I'll say.
- What's going on? This is weird.
- I can't do this.
- Can't do what? [sighs] We destroyed our brand new Nintendo, and Phil said that we could have his, if we get you to go on a date with him.
But I don't care how much trouble we get into on Christmas morning.
I'm not gonna try and trick you.
I appreciate you being honest, Alex, and I know how much that game meant to you.
Tell you what, if it'll get it back, I'll go to the movies with Phil.
- You would do that for me? - It'll be annoying, but consider it a Christmas present.
Maybe it won't be that annoying.
His hair does smell like lavender, - and his teeth are just so - You can stop selling.
Right, thanks.
[chuckles] Working with Lisa is just putting a real strain on our relationship.
She just keeps noting me to death about the project, and last night, I kinda snapped.
That was incredible.
I have some notes.
You know, Alex, your mother and I met working together.
It can be difficult, - but also very rewarding.
- Ugh.
As always, Ron, I request that you leave any discussion of sex with my mother out of this.
Well, that's the end of my story.
Someone else say something, and I'll have some thoughts - in a bit.
- I feel bad, man.
Like, I pressured you into this-having-Lisa- invest situation.
No, man, I agreed, okay? I'm still really excited about the invention, but I'm also really excited about Lisa.
It's just, combining them seems like it's jeopardizing both.
Well, it seems to me that you have a choice to make then, like the one your mother and I had to make one late night at the Denver airport.
Oh, stop.
This is going in a bad direction.
Someone else talk.
She just has so many thoughts, you know.
It's constant.
"Change the name.
Make the casing ceramic".
Oh, my God.
The casing should be ceramic.
- That changes everything.
- Uh, I know.
It's a great idea.
She's really smart.
But she literally said this right as we were about to have sex.
Oh, so Alex is the only one who gets to tell racy stories? I'm confused about the rules here, gentlemen.
[sighs] Look, obviously I want the invention to work out, but the most important thing to me is that you're happy.
So, what's your gut telling you? My gut told me to do it right there on the runway.
[chuckles] Oh, grow up.
We're all sexual beings, Alex, especially that mother of yours.
[chuckles] Abby, you've gotta kill that trade.
I was wrong, you were right.
Murray's the worst.
Dad, calm down.
We didn't trade for him.
I told ownership it was a bad idea, and they listened to me, because they respect me.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
I respect you.
And it's true.
I haven't been spending my time well.
Retirement's been harder than you expected, huh? Yeah, I mean, I got used to working and being the boss, having my opinion valued.
I go from that to a guy who spends his afternoons playing video games? You're just going through an adjustment period.
Yeah, well, I gotta find a better way to spend my days.
Well, I think I have a good idea.
Are you gonna hire me to coach the Bulls? No.
I said a good idea.
[chuckles] Alex, what are you doing here? We need to talk.
You don't wanna keep working together, but you do wanna keep dating.
How did you know? Because I feel the exact same way.
Alex, you're an amazing guy, and I love to spend time with you, but you are really annoying to work with.
Oh, my God.
You are too.
[gleeful exhale] [cheerful music] Bye.
So, how was your date from hell? [giggles] It wasn't all that bad.
What are you smiling about? Nothing.
It was fun.
You don't have to lie to make us feel better.
Please stop lying to make us feel better.
I'm not lying.
I never spent any alone time with Phil before, but he was funny and kinda sweet.
Gentlemen, a deal's a deal.
Enjoy the most powerful gaming system the world will ever see.
Might I escort my lady to English class? [giggles] You're so funny.
That's not funny.
There was literally no joke.
Video games are fun, but they are nothing compared to the real world.
Oh! Are you kidding me? He got mugged.
What are you looking at, ref? - [stammers] Time out.
Time out! - [whistle blows] Come on.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
[pants, sighs] All right, look, for the last time, who's guarding the girl with the braces? She is killing us.
See? Doesn't this beat virtual reality? - [both chuckle] - Oh, just FYI, I think if you work the ball into Levi, he's got a bit of a height advantage on his guy.
Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job.
All right all right, work the ball into Levi.
He's got a height advantage on his guy.
[grunts] All right, win on three! - One, two, three - All: Win! - Go! - Because if you don't spend enough time in reality, you lose track of what's important.
[reflective music] But at the end of the day, it's not the game that matters.
It's who you play it with.
Oh, my God, this is so much better than working together.
I'm really glad we worked things out.
- You're such a great guy.
- Aw.
Yeah, great guy who just decapitated you with your own femur.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Oh, God, why would they animate that? - [demonic laughter] - [scrunching, woman screaming]