Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e11 Episode Script

Phil Ricozzi

1 Everyone you know plays a different role in your life.
Most of those people make your life better.
["There She Goes" by the La's] There she goes again But others, they definitely make your life worse.
- Racing through my brain - [music slows] Ugh.
Phil Ricozzi.
What's the matter, Riley? Upset that I'm going out with the girl of your dreams? Did you just come here to gloat? What does gloat mean? It means to rub it in my face.
Oh, well then yes, I gloat at you.
God, how could someone like Nori go out with something like you? I don't know, but she is.
And here's your proof, sucka.
"Phil and Nori forever".
She made you this? You know what? Keep it.
It'll be a constant reminder that you're just her stupid friend, and I'm someone she lets kiss her awesome face.
[bright music] You just have to hope that eventually you can put those people behind you and move on with your life.
Hey, guys, I know you were supposed to meet with Betty today, but our new VP heard you were coming in, and insisted on hearing the pitch himself.
Apparently, you guys go way back.
What's up, Riley? How is your hot mom? - Phil Ricozzi? - [laughter] But sometimes, those people come back into your life in the most unexpected ways.
Alex, do you remember Phil Ricozzi? Yes, of course I remember Phil Ricozzi.
That narcissistic jerk tormented me for years.
Oh, I think today I will have a Denver omelet.
He died.
Well, may the narcissistic jerk rest in peace.
And a toasted bagel, please.
Alex Riley, it's been 25 years.
- Is that you, One Nut? - I prefer Darryl.
Why? Is that your real name? I would've thought your medical condition would've stunted your growth, but look at you! You're the size of a man! - And you're an a - So, Phil, uh What are you doing in the VC business? I thought you were into the whole acting thing.
Nah, I did a bunch of commercials.
And I frenched Tara Reid in a Lifetime movie.
- Sorry.
- But then I realized the real money is in this VC world.
You would never believe how rich I am.
And they say nice guys finish last.
- True that, One Nut.
- I prefer Darryl.
It's really good to see you guys.
Really? 'Cause I'm a little thrown.
I feel like in middle school, you and I were Kids.
That's all we were.
But as far as this guy's concerned, everyone I grew up with, they're family.
You know, in that Olive Garden type of way.
Not that I eat there.
Again, super successful.
So what are we waiting for? Let's go hear this genius idea! I don't know, man.
I smell a rat.
What? Do you think this guy brought us all the way down here just to laugh in our faces? - Yeah, that's exactly what I think.
- Yeah, so do I.
Come on, people change, right? I mean, look at you! What about me? Yeah, you grew up to be the size of a man! Hey, how'd you do on that female anatomy test? I think I spelled "fallopian" wrong, but I definitely got "boobs" right.
It's "breasts".
- Oh, boy.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Alex.
- Hey, Nori.
Have you been avoiding me because I've been spending so much time with Phil Ricozzi? I know you think he's a little bit of a jerk.
That's not true.
I think he's a lot of a jerk.
I promise if you give Phil a chance, you'd realize he's a really good guy.
Where did you get this? - Phil gave it to me.
- Why? To rub it in your face that I'm his girlfriend? [scoffs] Nah.
A good guy like Phil would never do something like that.
Anyway, see you.
I don't like this.
I don't like this at all.
We're getting to that age where our friends are starting to die off.
It's 2042, you'd think they'd have cured this whole death thing by now.
So, Phil's memorial is planned for Thursday.
Oh, well you're not actually thinking about going to that thing, are you? The guy treated me unforgivably, Eleanor.
Well, now that he's gone, maybe it's time that you forgave him, so why don't you come with me [laughter] No.
No, no, no, no, no.
There's no way I'm going to Phil Ricozzi's memorial service.
You're gonna make me go all alone? Let me ask you something.
Do you think that after we die, we can still see all the stuff that's going on around us? You know something? I actually do.
I'll go.
But just so that Phil Ricozzi is pissed off when he sees you and I walk in together.
And that is the Baby Glide.
A combination stroller and skateboard.
For the hipster who wants to get a little bit wild Pushing their child! So what do you think? - I hate it.
- Hate? That's a pretty strong word, usually reserved for things like human trafficking and cauliflower.
I hate that I didn't think of this myself.
Gentlemen, you have a sale! - Seriously? - Seriously! - Yes! - This idea's brilliant! Come here! I want to hug it out! Get over here, you! - Okay.
- You too! Look at me, I'm hugging Phil Ricozzi.
I'm hugging Alex Riley, and uh I'm sorry.
I can't remember your real name.
It's One Nut, baby.
Just call me One Nut! - [laughter] - One Nut! Look at us! Big news, everybody.
Nori just broke up with Phil.
How do you know? I have a network of carefully cultivated spies scattered throughout the school.
I can't believe Nori broke up with me.
I think Nori broke up with Phil.
I'm sorry, but I just can't reveal my sources.
- This is fantastic! - Why? You think she's gonna go out with you? As my grandmother would say, pu-shaw! Hey, as long as she is not with Phil, I am good.
Is that why you gave Nori the heart? To break us up? No, but maybe you shouldn't have used it to flaunt your relationship in front of me.
"Flaunt?" That means "gloat.
" "Gloat" means to rub it in my face.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna rub in your face, the floor.
That's right, Chokey.
You and me after school, we're gonna fight.
[gasps and murmuring] What? I - Like a fist fight? - Not like a fist fight.
A fist fight, with my fist fighting your face, and your face fighting to stay in one piece.
But could we do it after school tomorrow? Today I've got an audition for a Purina Dog Chow commercial.
You do? Cool, good luck! Whose side are you on? Yours, but Purina Dog Chow? That's a huge campaign.
To the future of the Baby Glide.
Ahh, it feels good to make a sale.
Yeah, I was starting to get worried about my career.
Starting to get worried? You've been living in my garage for 223 days! - But who's counting? - Your wife.
Your wife is counting.
She has a calendar with check marks on it in the laundry room.
I've seen it.
- It makes me sad.
- [doorbell ringing] Hey, it's the lady from Phil Ricozzi's office.
Hello, lady from Phil Ricozzi's office.
Sorry to bother you at home.
Phil wanted me to bring over a copy of the signed contracts to declare that the deal is now official.
This is awesome.
Do you want to do the dance? - In front of her? - Yeah, no.
I think she'll like it.
We are gonna be rich We are gonna be rich Come on, join us! We are There's actually one more thing.
He also wanted me to deliver this message.
"The Baby Glide project is now dead.
"I am burying it, it will never get made, "and since your profits are based on sales, You will effectively be making nothing, suckas.
" He made me say "suckas", I thought it was piling on.
You were right.
It was.
Why would he send you here to tell us that? I mean, he could've just sent an e-mail.
He wanted to see the looks on your faces when you heard it was never going to get made.
- But he's not even here.
- Again, not my idea.
[camera clicks] I really apologize.
- We're not gonna be rich - Too soon.
What am I what am I gonna do? I can't fight Phil! I've never been punched! I've gotta get out of this! Too late.
Once someone publicly challenges you to a fight, there is no turning back.
Those are the rules.
- What rules? - The rules of childhood! They're often cruel, but they're there to keep us safe.
God, I can't believe I'm gonna be in a fight.
Did I just hear there's gonna be a fight? Now, the most important thing to remember is that the real fight starts before the fight, okay? That's when you gotta get into your opponent's psychological weak spots, and exploit 'em! You understand what I'm saying, you nervous little nerd who spits when he talks? - What? - It's hurtful, I know, but I'm trying to build up your tolerance so he can't get inside your head, you frazzled little prepubescent geek! - Hey.
- Come on.
He's gonna come at you with worse, and I want you to be prepared! Now go ahead, you practice on me.
- No.
- Do it! Okay, find my weak spot and nail me on it! I can't believe my mom was ever attracted to a guy with two completely different-sized ears.
That's how you're gonna talk to a man who's trying to help you, huh? Just Wow.
[knocking on door] Alex, what can I do for you on this beautiful day? Why are you burying my project? You really love that Baby Glide, don't you? Yeah, the Baby Glide is my baby.
If I could, I would push my Baby Glide around inside of another Baby Glide.
Man, doesn't it suck to love something, have someone come around and ruin it for you? What are you talking about? Nori Sterling.
Payback's a bitch, Chokey.
Nori Sterling? That was like 25 years ago! My life might be completely different if you hadn't broken us up! Who knows? That might've been my "Sliding Doors" moment.
"Sliding Doors"? What? It's a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow, where the doors on the train close and she's unable to get on.
Changed the entire course of her life.
It actually sounds pretty good.
It is worth a watch, if it's on TV.
Yeah, no, okay, you seem to love it.
I'll check it out.
That was like 25 years ago, man.
We were just kids! Yeah, well now we're adults.
And one of us has money and power, which means I win.
[bright music] - Which means you lose.
- I know what you meant, Phil.
Good morning, Abby.
Ooh, look at you, wearing a tie.
Are congratulations or condolences in order? Little of both.
Phil Ricozzi died.
I'm going to his memorial service.
Phil Ricozzi? Didn't we used to throw eggs at his house on Halloween? Yes, yes, never knew it was us, either.
So why are you going to his memorial service? Eleanor talked me into it.
We're going together.
Eleanor? Ugh, Dad, I thought you were over her.
I am! You're going on a sneaky date! - Wha - You're all dressed up, it's emotional, plus Ricozzi sent a time, which means there will be a lot of wine, - which leads to - Don't say it! Sneaky date! It's not a sneaky date.
Okay, fine.
I was gonna tell you that a blue tie would go better with your eyes, but if it's not a date, doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter, you're right.
- Love you.
Go Bulls! - Love you.
Go Bulls! I guess there's nothing wrong looking your best.
Yo, Chokey.
Today after school, you're going down! Oh, hey, Phil.
How was your dog chow audition? I destroyed it, like today after school, I'm gonna destroy your face.
Cool, so you got the part.
Yeah, I got the part.
And today, after school, I'm gonna rip you a-part.
I bet you will.
You know, I just hate to see you lose that dog chow commercial.
What are you talking about? I mean, if by some crazy miracle I happen to land one of my weak little punches on your face The moneymaker! Yeah, they'd never let you film that thing.
Just be careful, okay? I'll see you today after school.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't take that risk! The moneymaker's too valuable, that's why they call it the moneymaker! Then I guess we're gonna have to call off the fight.
God, that sucks! I was really looking forward to it too.
We can't call off the fight.
Everyone will think we're the biggest cowards in school.
Hey, I know, how about we fake the fight? - Fake the fight? - Yeah, like a stage fight.
You really think that'll work? Of course it'll work! You just have to sell it.
Before the fight, you should yell out, "Hey, Phil! I've always hated you 'cause you're better looking than me!" I can make up my own lines.
Okay, but I've studied improv.
Making up lines is way harder than it looks.
Yeah? I think I'll manage.
The only problem is I've been taking acting classes since I was three! How can I possibly teach you everything I know about stage combat in one hour? Don't you just pretend to hit me and then I go [imitates punch] Yeah, that's pretty much it.
I just can't believe I'm an adult man, and I'm still getting bullied by Phil Ricozzi.
I let him call me One Nut.
Told him I liked it.
- I feel dirty.
- Boys, boys, boys.
You want to get back at the bully, the worst thing you can do is show him that he got your goat.
He did get my goat.
My goat has been gotten.
This might surprise you, but back in my day, I was a bit of a bully.
It does not surprise me, Ron.
You seem to always bring it up whenever you want to give me advice.
Well, back in those days, the second some dweeb didn't seem to care, it took all the fun out of it, and I'd fold like an origami duck.
Goats, ducks.
What are you saying? I'm saying you may never get back your invention, but you sure as hell can go there and get back your goat! You were a bad kid, weren't you? I did some things I regret.
But God, they were fun! [laughter] Why do they always put up pictures of people 30 years before they died? What's wrong with the older years? Well, not everyone ages well.
Clearly not a problem for you.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Oh, Phil, I hope you can see this.
Why am I looking up? Uh, hello, I'm Joan Ricozzi, Phil's cousin.
Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm Eleanor.
Alex Riley.
- The inventor? - Mm.
Oh my God, Phil would've been thrilled to know that you were here.
I would like to think he does know, and that I came with this one.
Would you mind saying a few words about Phil today? Me? No, I don't I don't think that's a good idea.
You know, Phil would always tell his friends that he grew up with the Alex Riley.
Please? Just a little about what he meant to you.
- I really don't - Of course he would.
have a choice, I guess.
[bright music] Here, little bro.
Sign this.
- What is it? - An organ donor form.
You've got a great heart, and I want to make sure someone worthy gets it.
- I'm not gonna die.
- There it is.
- Kid's all heart.
- No.
Look, you can't tell anyone, but I struck a deal with Phil.
No real punches, the whole thing is fake.
- That's brilliant! - Mm-hmm.
It's a shame you're not gonna die, someone could've really used that brain.
Yo, Alex.
You ready to do this? Yeah, I've never been more, you know, ready to do anything.
Wow, it is hard making up lines.
[dramatic music] [whispering] I forget, who goes first? - I thought I went first.
- I thought I went first.
Then go first! [crowd gasping] [grunting] Alex ain't even touching him.
He's using the Force.
He is? Gnarly.
[crowd gasps] [grunting] [cheers and applause] [crowd gasping] Stop this at once! [crowd groaning] What's going on here? Riley, Ricozzi, my office right now! - You don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.
Fighting comes with an automatic suspension.
But we weren't really fighting.
- We were fake fighting.
- You were fake fighting? [crowd gasping] [crowd chanting] Fakers! Fakers! Fakers! Fakers! Fakers! Fakers! [chanting continues] First, you lost me my girl, now you lost me my rep.
I'm sorry, Phil.
I get how you feel.
I've been there.
Just know that you can always sit with me and my buddies at lunch, and we can - Phil! - Whoa! Alex? What are you doing here? I watched "Sliding Doors".
It's a heck of a movie, man.
Classic Paltrow.
Now, I'm scared.
Don't be, man.
Everything's fine.
I just wanted you to let you know that I understand why you buried the Baby Glide.
I hurt you in eighth grade, you got me back 25 years later.
It's perfectly reasonable.
So you're not upset with me? No, and you know why? - 'Cause I still have my goat.
- Your goat? Yeah, it was this thing you had to have heard from earlier Trust me, it makes sense, but you know what the difference between you and me is, Phil? I'm rich, I drive an Audi, and I date a boat show model? No, well, yes, but also, you rely on other people's ideas.
People like me.
If you keep burning bridges, you're gonna fail at this, just like you did at acting.
You take that back! I saw your Lifetime movie, buddy.
Your acting made Tara Reid look like Dame Judi Dench.
He was sweetest to his nieces, Laci and Jennifer.
And even though he didn't have children of his own You are going to say something nice, aren't you? Of course.
Not to mention the friendships I have a good opener about him probably not being a murderer.
That's nice, right? And now, I'd like to invite up a very close friend of Phil's, Alex Riley, to say a few words.
Phil was well, he was always All right, look, the truth is that Phil was a jerk to me.
[crowd murmuring] It's true! I don't know what else to say, I mean the guy sucker punched me in the face twice.
Who does that? I mean When I was a kid, I was afraid of being punched, so I guess in a strange way, Phil did teach me how to face my fears.
And also, that something you thought was going to be bad can turn out to be better than you ever imagined.
Alex! You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you kidding? He's great! Surviving a Phil Ricozzi punch to the face raises school cred by at least 27%.
Totally worth it, right? Oh, yeah.
[bright music] Now that I'm thinking about it, he also taught me that motivation can come from the most unlikely of places.
And that success is the best revenge.
It's 3:00 a.
What are you doing up? I'm inspired like I haven't been in years.
We didn't get the Baby Glide back.
Yeah, but that's motivated me to come up with even better ideas.
Easy-open applesauce jar.
A clothing material that repels lint.
An app for your phone that walks your dog! A phone walks your dog? Yeah, it's got like a leash attachment that you put on Look, they can't all be winners.
- Yeah.
- But mark my words, in five years, we're gonna have a company ten times - the size of Phil Ricozzi's.
- Damn straight.
Hey, you know what I think we should do? Don't you even say another word.
We are gonna be rich We are gonna be rich Give me the money, give me the money.
We are gonna be rich We are gonna be rich We are gonna be rich One of those inventions led to my greatest success, which made Riley Industries known the world over.
So I guess the truth is that without Phil Ricozzi, I wouldn't be who I am today.
So thank you, Phil, for reminding us there are things worth fighting for.
And for helping us to remember the most important thing: Time is precious.
And we shouldn't waste a moment of it.
[stirring music] Rest in peace, buddy.
Sneaky date.