Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e12 Episode Script

The Break Up

1 I'm an enthusiastic guy.
But sometimes that enthusiasm can get me into trouble.
It's led me to make some rash decisions.
I just heard the worst news ever.
Worse than a doctor telling you an angry donkey's kick at a petting zoo will mean a lifetime of being called One-Nut? Alright, maybe not the worst news, but Principal Mosca said that money is so tight that the Student Council wants to cancel the Spring Invention Convention.
Well, you just won the last one.
You'll retire undefeated.
But I don't wanna retire.
I wanna save it.
You know, I heard the Student Council is holding a special election for president next week.
Yeah, Jordan Frankel was forced to step down after it came out he was lying about his boy scout service.
Really? You know what this means? Jordan Frankel doesn't know how to start his own campfire? No, I'm gonna run for Student Council President.
That is a horrible idea.
Sometimes my enthusiasm has caused me to ignore my better judgment.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
So what're you feeling for dinner? Both: I was thinking burritos.
Well, that was the easiest it's ever been to pick a place to eat in the history of dating.
What's your favorite burrito spot? In LA, it's Guac the Casbah.
But all time, it's this little hole-in-the-wall place in Santa Barbara.
You gotta take me there some day.
Well, why don't we go on Friday? We could make a long weekend out of it.
I mean, don't you think it's a little early in our relationship to take a trip? Well, who's to say how long you have to be dating before you can go away together? Well, according to "Cosmo" a premature vacation can lead to learning too much too soon about your partner.
Like the fact that you read "Cosmo"? Wendy has one magazine in her bathroom.
And I read it a lot.
And sometimes my enthusiasm flat-out scares people.
[lively music] You're tapping your finger.
You brought me to a public place.
You stuffed me with bacon.
You have bad news.
I do have some news that may cause you to scream if you weren't sitting next to children.
That's right, I sat you next to children.
Oh, this must be really bad.
Okay, here goes.
I recently decided and please remember the children to resign as General Manager of the Bulls.
[dramatic music] Dad? Dad, are you gonna say anything? I'm trying to have another heart attack.
[wistful music] [cheerful chatter] We had a blast in Santa Barbara.
We could've stayed all week.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Otherwise you would have missed my 40th birthday party.
Which I planned, for lack of a better term, the crap out of.
No, I'm pretty sure that's the best term.
Hey, c'mon, Lisa, I wanna show you the dress I'm gonna wear.
You'll love it.
And even if I don't, I will say that I do because I know how expensive it was.
How expensive was it? Wendy? Wendy? Okay, she's doing that thing where she pretends she can't hear me.
Sure am, honey.
So, your first trip away is in the books.
And it was? - A disaster.
- What? Yeah, I think I need to break up with her.
What happened? First of all, she drives like, freakin' God, I don't know any of those racecar drivers' names, but one of those guys.
And the second we got there, she just planned everything down to the minute.
So, you wanna break up with a woman because she's organized? A little picky for a guy who lives in a garage.
The truth is, I just don't see Lisa in slow-mo.
Yeah, the way I used to see Nori Sterling.
Nori? C'mon, dude.
That was middle school.
Lisa and I just don't have "it".
Okay, what is "it"? "It" meaning, wanting to spend all our time together.
"It" meaning, looking into her eyes and feeling a deep connection that will last a lifetime.
Did you just quote last month's "Cosmo"? You can't call it weird if you know that.
I have got to throw away that magazine.
You're running for Student Council President? Are we sure that's a good idea? Should we not be sure? Well, these things tend to be popularity contests.
And, Justin, why is Alex running again? To save the Invention Convention.
I think I just proved my point.
It doesn't matter, 'cause as of now, no one else is even running against me.
Oh, well, that's a different story.
'Cause you're certainly more popular than no one.
Even if someone else does join the race, there's no need to worry.
Because I've decided to become your campaign manager.
Thanks, but I don't need a campaign manager.
Oh, but you do.
I did some polling at lunch, and right now you're not someone people "want" to have a Capri-Sun with.
So what should I do? Well, people still see you as an outsider, so I suggest pandering to the locals.
Show up to the debate with your face painted Laker colors.
Purple and gold.
No, no, no, no, no.
I will not under any circumstances wear Lakers colors as long as I live.
What if I gave you 20 bucks? No, absolutely not.
A candidate with morals.
This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
I just don't understand how you could leave our Chicago Bulls.
Are you okay? Blink twice if you're in danger, and you're being watched right now.
Everything is fine, Dad.
I wanted to rebuild through the draft and ownership wanted overpriced free agents.
So the time felt right for a change.
You were General Manager of the Chicago Bulls.
That's like being in heaven and saying, "Eh, I could do better".
See, this is why I didn't wanna tell you.
Fine, fine.
I just I get a little emotional when it comes to the Bulls, I guess.
But I worry about you.
You know, getting a General Manager's job is not easy.
Well, don't worry.
I already have a couple of offers I'm considering.
You do? Good.
From who? 'Cause you know what? You can use that as leverage to get more money when you eventually go back to the Bulls.
You are hopeless, you know that? I'm sorry, it's just that we're talking about the most important thing in my life.
Me or the Bulls? Wow, it is taking you way too long to answer that.
[chokes] Look, you cannot break up with Lisa until after Wendy's party.
What? Why? She's one of Wendy's best friends.
If she gets dumped, she'll be a mess.
If she's a mess, Wendy's a mess.
And then the entire party goes to hell.
So you want me to stay with someone that I don't see a future with just for a party? That doesn't really seem fair to Lisa.
What's not fair is the Beyoncé impersonator that I hired is charging me extra to sing "Crazy in Love".
How is that not included? - [smacks counter] - That's what I'm saying.
- Right? - Look, c'mon, man.
I want this party to be perfect, alright? It's just another two days.
Two days.
As long as I don't have to ride in a car with her.
She really drives that fast? Yeah, it's like driving in a car with something something, Jr.
Vote Alex Riley for President.
Vote Alex Riley for President.
Never heard of him.
He's my lab partner in Science.
Are you sure you can't run as Chokey? Don't worry, I'm working on the name recognition problem.
I got the school paper to run a puff piece on you.
"How Chokey Became Alex: A Redemption Story".
How'd you get them to do that? A reporter owed me a favor.
I covered for him after an ill-timed fart at the "Just Say No" assembly last year.
That's incredible.
Thanks, Justin.
I also got you an endorsement from one of the most popular ladies in school.
Nori's campaigning for us? That's great! Nori Sterling is running for President.
You're in trouble, dude.
What? Who were you talking about? - Seriously? - What? Getting Rhonda's endorsement was a major coup.
So you have to stay with a woman you wanna break up with? That's a bit of a pickle.
I know, it's not great, but it's for Darryl, you know? It's only for a couple of days.
We've been spending so much time together, I just don't know how I'm going to avoid her.
Yeah, I've picked up on some helpful evasive maneuvers over the years.
An oldie but goodie is the fake illness.
I once told someone I had the flu, so I wouldn't have to go to their soccer game.
Yeah, that was me.
Well, give me a break, Alex.
You weren't exactly headed for the World Cup.
What's important is that you don't do anything to lead her on.
And that includes parking your plane in her hangar, if you know what I mean.
I think I would've been less grossed out if you had just said "no sex".
You're in a classic holding pattern.
You're circling the airport until a runway opens up and air traffic control declares you safe for a breakup.
Now I think you're really just forcing the airplane analogies.
Roger that.
And I am now free to move about the kitchen.
Buckle up, everybody.
Still going.
Vote for Nori.
I'd love your vote.
Oh, hey, Alex.
You're running for President? Yeah, I told you the other day.
Hey, Alex, so I was thinking about [The La's' "There She Goes"] [inaudible] There she goes again - You smell so good.
- What? Um, great conversation.
Nobody said anything weird.
Sorry, I must've misunderstood.
So, what're we gonna do? I'll drop out.
But if you don't mind saving the Spring Invention Convention for me when you win, that'd be awesome.
Oh, I was actually thinking we could use that money for a winter formal instead.
We could have a DJ, a taco truck, and maybe even a dance contest.
You know, we could have all those things at the Invention Convention, plus inventions.
Yeah, I'm not sure that sounds better.
Well, then, I'm not sure I'm gonna drop out.
Okay, but promise me no matter what happens, we'll still be friends.
I promise.
Vote for Alex Riley.
I'll go the extra mile-y.
Vote for Nori, return the school to glory.
God, yours is so much better.
Alright, I just wanna say that I am sorry for the other day.
It is your career.
And if you wanna leave the best team that has ever existed, that's your dumb choice.
But I respect it.
Thank you, Dad.
Because I did just accept one of the offers.
Oh, you did? I am so proud of you.
What team is it? Oh, how could you be GM of the Lakers? You are impossible.
The Lakers are from LA.
They do not share our values.
I'm from LA.
And look what you've become.
A successful, independent woman at the top of my field? Yes, and I am extremely proud of you.
But this Laker thing is a betrayal.
Don't you even wanna hear why I chose the Lakers? I already know.
To punish me.
Good-bye, Dad.
Well, I only hope that one day that you have a daughter who grows up to be the General Manager of your most hated basketball team.
And yes, I realize that's a very specific curse.
Look, if you're gonna have any chance to save the Invention Convention, you can't let your feelings for Nori get in the way.
Oh, that's gonna be a problem.
Because whenever I'm around Nori, it's like I completely lose sense of everything.
I blurt weird stuff, I sweat a lot, I'm not my usual cool self.
As your campaign manager, I'm obligated to agree that you are cool.
Well, it doesn't even matter.
Because I'm never gonna be able to beat Nori.
You can if you take some big swings in the debate tomorrow.
Say if you win there will be no homework on Fridays.
No school on Mondays.
Free pizza every day for lunch.
I can't keep those promises.
We're not in the keeping promises business.
We're in the getting elected business.
Knock, knock.
Lisa? What're you doing here? Well, my baby's sick, so I thought I'd bring him chicken soup.
Oh, that's sweet.
But, uh, I was just about to get into bed.
Ooh, that sounds fun too.
[coughs] Excuse me [stammers] Uh, we never talk anymore.
Alright, let's talk.
Our trip last weekend was so fun.
Where are we gonna go next? - Like, another trip? - Mm-hmm.
- Like, in the future? - Yeah.
What about New York? That would be so fun.
We could see a show.
You could meet my parents.
Actually, I can call them and see when they're gonna be there No.
Don't, don't.
Why not? Because, um sex? Both: Yeah.
[laughter and indistinct chatter] I believe in a brighter tomorrow.
And that is why, if elected, I promise the football team new uniforms.
[mild applause] And Chess Club will receive brand new chess stuff.
[mild applause] And water fountains will be a thing of the past.
Because on my first day in office, I will install chocolate milk fountains.
[applause] Okay, okay, okay.
I'm pretty sure that's impossible.
Well, Principal Mosca, I'm an inventor, so when I see something impossible, I ask, "How do we make it possible?" That line tested very well at breakfast.
Nori Sterling, your opening remarks.
Faculty, fellow students, if I'm elected, I [The La's' "There She Goes"] [inaudible] There she goes again I love you, Nori.
[audience gasping] [stammers] I said I, um, I-I love I love to worry.
No, you didn't.
This is going to be hard to spin.
You had sex with her? She was talking about meeting her parents.
You get off on some weird stuff.
No, I mean, she was escalating the intimacy of the relationship, and so I had to stop it.
So you had to stop the intimacy by having sex? It made sense at the time.
I hate to tell you this, buddy, but you just made your breakup much more difficult.
Yeah, I know.
And I feel terrible, 'cause I don't wanna hurt her.
She's a great person.
She's funny, she's caring.
She laughed at my Kermit the Frog impression.
Ooh, that is not a good impression.
I know, that's what I'm saying.
It's just that we don't have "it".
And I want "it".
Look, I know this breakup isn't gonna be easy.
But when all is said and done, the most important thing is - That I'm happy.
- That this party goes off without a hitch.
And that you're happy too.
[wistful music] Hey, Alex, you What are you doing? I have to move back to Chicago.
Oh, come on, Alex.
Whatever it is, it can't be as bad as you spitting a mint in Nori's mouth, right? I told her I loved her in front of the whole school.
So will you buy me a ticket? I know you get discounts.
Sorry, bud, but you're not moving.
You can't change course every time there's some turbulence.
Well, actually, that's exactly what you're supposed to do.
But you get my point.
I can't go back to that school and face her.
It'll be so embarrassing.
I'm a joke.
A joke who just so happens to be Student Council President.
What? Turns out half the grade voted for you 'cause they thought it was funny to vote for a dumbass.
And the other half just wrote in "Vanilla Ice".
And since he doesn't go to our school, you're the new President.
Whoa, I Thank you for all your help, Justin.
Well, if you decide to run for another term, I'm out.
I will never be part of another election ever again.
The wheeling, the dealing, the lying.
Oh, that reminds me, if anyone asks, your cousin is Joe Montana and he's speaking at graduation.
It's wonderful to be here.
I wanna thank the Lakers for making me feel so at home.
Where did I go wrong? Did I not hug Abby enough? Did I hug her too much? Well, you know what they say, it's always tough to watch your daughter accept an amazing new job in a field she loves.
Fine, One-Nut, just let me mope.
Reporter: What made you choose Los Angeles? First off, I think anybody would be thrilled to be part of such a storied franchise.
Yeah, a horror story.
Huh? And I think this team has an incredibly bright future.
A future of losing.
What? These jokes are bad, and stop elbowing me.
But I suppose the biggest reason that I chose to come here is, I wanted to be closer to my dad.
What? Hey! What the Ow.
[wistful music] [indistinct chatter] Hey, guys, I'd like to say a few words about my amazing wife, Wendy.
Oh, stop.
[laughs] Okay.
No, I was pretending to be humble.
Please keep going.
- Come on up here.
- Aw.
I feel like my life didn't even start until you came into it.
You are my love.
You are my life.
You are my everything.
[crowd goes "Aw"] Baby, you are my everything.
[laughs] They're so in love.
Yeah, they really are.
[Darryl keeps speaking] Do you ever think one day we'll have what they have? Hey, do you want the rest of my cake? Oh, Alex, did you not hear me? Oh, I'm sorry.
Can we just maybe talk about this later? Why? Is there a problem? No, no, no, no, no.
So? Do you think we'll have what they have? No, no, no, no, no.
What? [quietly] Look, Lisa, I think we're two very different people.
[whispering] Wait, are you breaking up with me? Now? Look, I wanted to tell you earlier in the week, but I was trying to be nice.
What? So why did you have sex with me last night? [playful music] Um, this is not how I wanted this to happen.
[in nasal voice] I'm very, very sorry, Piggy.
[in normal voice] That was my Kermit Lisa.
Looks like we have a new "single lady" to add to the Bey-Hive.
C'mon, read the room, Fake-yoncé.
[sighs] Hey, Nori.
Hey, Alex.
[stammers] I don't love you.
What? I mean, you know, I didn't mean it when I said, "I love you".
Then why'd you say it? Be Because Justin Justin told me that if I embarrassed myself in front of everyone, then I would get the sympathy vote.
Oh, well, I guess it worked.
I'm really sorry if it also embarrassed you.
Well, you made a bunch of campaign promises.
Better get to work, Mr.
Enthusiasm is important.
But you can't let it blind you to the things that really matter.
Hey, Nori, wait up.
The only promise I made that really matters is when I said that I would never let anything get in the way of our friendship.
So, as my first order as Student Council President, I think we should have a winter formal.
Really? I'm kinda the only person that cares about the Invention Convention.
And I think a winter formal would be something the whole school would like.
I think you're gonna make a great President.
Gross, it's still just water.
I may not get a second term.
And sometimes, when your enthusiasm gets you in trouble, you have to take a step back and refocus.
You couldn't wait two more hours? Two more hours? Look, I'm sorry I ruined your birthday, okay? But it's kinda your guys' fault too.
I mean, you're the ones who introduced me to her.
Get back on track, man.
Look, I appreciate you guys setting me up with Lisa, but there was just something missing.
That thing that you guys have.
You guys have "it".
And maybe someday I'll find "it" too.
Okay, that was sweet.
So I've decided not to take off my shoe and hit you with it.
Thank you, Wendy.
Hey, you know Wendy's twin sister is visiting next month.
- Oh, yeah, she's nice.
- You met her at the picnic No, that is not happening.
But I've got to be honest, there are some things I'll never really be enthusiastic about.
Thank you.
No freaking way.
It turns out that my daughter is far more important than any basketball team.
Pretty obvious, but glad you eventually got there.
Okay, so listen.
Is there any chance that this is all a ruse and you're gonna tank the team on purpose from the inside? No, Dad.
Blink twice if that's really your plan, but you can't say it out loud.
You're gonna have to blink eventually.