Medical Police (2020) s01e09 Episode Script
Real Heavy Hitter
1 - [ROCK SONG PLAYS.]
- Think twice Take a look at the sunshine Whatcha doin' with your life? Watching the days fly by The world will only turn around If you spin it And you can only win the race I did it.
Richard! I finished it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Well done, Lola.
Well done.
Wow.
I finally get to see the fruits of your labors these many months.
I wanted to surprise you.
I think I've stumbled onto something really big.
Well, let's have a look at that pièce de résistance.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love it when you speak French.
Intracellular mechanics in the viral genome and practical applications for artificial pathogenic creation.
So, I took your research on viral taxonomy and I started to imagine a world where we could design and construct viruses from inorganic materials.
I'm imagining it now.
[LAUGHS.]
Yay.
Artificially constructed viruses? - Yeah.
- But, how could we ever make something so microscopic with any precision? Well, it's purely theoretical at this point.
The technology isn't there yet.
But they said that the Rubik's Cube would never be solved, and look what happened there.
Anyway, I think the science behind it is sound.
- It's incredible.
- Yeah? I I don't know what to say.
Well, you could say you like it.
But that would be a lie.
- Because you love it? - No, that would be an even bigger lie.
Lola, this is not science, it's make-believe.
Well it's theoretical.
It's a young girl's idle fantasy.
Your theories are slipshod.
Your conclusions are presumptuous.
If I wanted to read a work of fiction, I'd pick up the latest John Grisham novel, The Last Juror.
Is this really how you spent your entire semester? I thought you would be proud.
Quite the opposite.
I'm - un-proud.
- [SIGHS.]
You know, I might say that this is a waste of talent, but frankly I'm beginning to question the talent.
Maybe you're not cut out for virology after all, Ms.
Spratt.
[GASPS.]
Richard.
I think it might be best if you were to refer to me as Professor Waters again.
Is there anything else? No, sir.
[OWEN.]
So, he knew your work was brilliant, but he lied to you to keep it for himself? I'm so glad this guy got shot in the face.
When he told me I wasn't cut out for a career in virology, I believed him.
You know, my confidence was just never the same after that.
And you just blocked it out? I was so ashamed.
It was too painful, so I I built a little wall around it in my mind, and it worked.
Um How do you remember the parts at the end after you leave, where Waters is sitting there alone? Ugh.
I am right there with you on that one, brother.
Sir what do we do now? Now? Well, let's take stock, shall we? We released the deadly virus without a cure.
We let the people who know the truth about what we did escape.
So, we could walk ourselves straight to jail, or contract the deadly virus and die, or I'll tell you what, we could hammer out a suicide pact.
Why not something fun? Like eating each other? We cannot quit now, sir! It is over, Collins.
Start eating me.
We can save ourselves! You have a couple of my chest hairs.
There are only a few people who know the truth about us.
Let's kill them! Ride out this pandemic in a bunker.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm the only one who made the hard decisions.
Why should I suffer the consequences? Over time the population will return and they will need someone to lead them.
Tell me what to do.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[REPORTER.]
And the chaos continues to spread with hospitals being overrun with desperate victims, forcing the military to step in.
And now on the lighter side, a little something from humorist Jim Davidson.
I don't know if you've been to a music store lately, but now they have a thing called a twelve-string guitar.
What do I need twelve strings with a guitar for? [WOMAN OVER PA.]
Attention virus carriers: if you are currently dying, please wait outside in an orderly fashion.
That is all.
[SIRENS BLARING.]
Childrens Hospital.
We are here.
Driving from Atlanta to Brazil didn't take as long as I thought it would.
Not so bad if you leave at the right time.
The trick was taking I-35 to avoid Houston.
- Yeah.
- So, what now? Well, remember that laptop you were all picturing in your heads as I described what happened to me in med school? - Yeah.
- It's in my office.
And my thesis is still on it.
Once we get that, we might be able to engineer a cure.
Let's go.
[SOLDIER.]
Stand back! You can't come in here.
Get back, all the way.
Goldfinch.
This is where we part ways.
- Goodbye, old friend.
- Ah, not goodbye, merely farewell.
- They're basically synonyms.
- You're basically a synonym.
Where will you go? It doesn't matter where the Goldfinch goes.
Wherever it is, I'm always on van-cation! - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [CHUCKLING.]
Finch! Uh-oh.
It's been a long time since I've been on a billboard.
When were you ever on a billboard? I used to do some modeling for a DUI attorney.
Okay, we need to find a way inside without being detected.
- Hey, Chet.
- Hey, guys.
Yeah, the billboard says you've been up to some pretty bad stuff.
Yeah.
But we were framed, all right.
And now we need to get back into the hospital.
- Can you help us sneak in? - Yeah.
I was framed once too.
Let's do it! Get in! We need to check the back.
So, more victims of the virus.
Just bringing the bodies to the morgue.
Okay, go ahead.
[SNEEZES.]
Open the bag slowly and come out.
[MUFFLED SPEECH.]
Thank God you found us.
He lured us into his ambulance and then he tied us up and he told us he was going to chop us up and feed us to wild horses.
No, I didn't.
Wait, maybe I did, did I? I can't remember.
Thanks so much, guys.
Real life-saver.
So, what are you guys doing? You got plans for the weekend? [COUGHS.]
[PATIENTS COUGHING.]
I'm gonna check in with my contacts at the CDC and see how bad it's gotten.
Well, let us know if we can help, okay? [OWEN.]
Gross.
I can handle a few sick people, but this is disgusting.
Hey, assholes, thanks a lot.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? Oh, spare me.
I've had people dying in my arms all week thanks to your little virus stunt.
Really uncool, murdering millions.
Seriously uncool.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't us, okay? We're trying to cure the virus, and also we're in love.
- What? - Ew.
We're in love and I'm dying and it's really just been, like, a crazy few days.
Why should we trust you? Yeah.
Um Okay.
Dori, how much cash is in your wallet? - Forty-nine bucks.
- Great.
Give it to me.
What? - Give me the wallet! - Give her the wallet! Jesus Christ.
Now, how much cash do you have? Forty-nine bucks.
So, do you trust us now? I guess so.
I mean, I have to admit, we misjudged you.
- Come on, let's go get that laptop.
- Okay.
Oh, and Val, thank you for helping us ID the water parks.
You got it.
So, if I remember correctly, I laid out all the steps to create the virus in my thesis.
So, all we'll need to do is just to work backwards to reverse-engineer the cure.
- Okay.
- We gotta move fast.
- Do you remember where your laptop is? - Yeah, of course, bottom drawer of my desk.
- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit! [OVER PA.]
Attention, staff, merry desk auction days.
Desk the halls.
That is alls.
Wow, they did this place up pretty nice.
Look at these balloons.
Curtains.
- Tablecloths.
- Okay, Owen, focus.
We just need to find my desk and get my laptop, all right? Oh, my God.
There it is.
Great.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hi, Sy.
- Hi.
Hey.
Wow.
- Desk auction is really happening, huh? - So many great desks.
- So many.
- And what can I do for you two wanted criminals? - Look, about that - Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, look, let's just be clear.
Obviously we didn't infect the whole world.
- We didn't infect anybody.
- No.
Well, we infected each other - with our love.
- Oh, yes we did.
- I'd get infected by you any day.
- I would do it again.
Point is, we're not the bad guys, we're the good guys.
Point is, you no longer work here at this hospital.
I fried you.
Okay.
Yeah, but technically I quite before you fried me.
But look, Sy, I'm not asking for my job back.
I just need to get my computer in my desk.
It actually has information in it that might save the world.
Excuse me, missy.
May I remind you, it is no longer your desk, you donated it.
- Sy, come on.
- But The rules of the auction clearly state, "The winning bidder will be awarded the desk along with any and all materials found in said desk.
" - But - Wait a second.
What if we win the auction for Lola's desk? Then do we get the laptop? Well, if you've got the money honey, the desk got the time.
But let me just remind you that there are major desk aficionados coming to this gala.
We're talking about real heavy hitters, like these two.
Hello.
[OVER PA.]
Attention: welcome heavy hitters to the desk auction.
Heavy coughers, please stay away from the guests.
That is all.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Thank you.
Are you feeling okay? Yeah, it's just the virus.
I'm getting weaker.
Or maybe you're not getting enough iron in you diet.
Maybe, but it's probably the virus.
Is my rash covered up? Yeah.
Make-up really did the trick.
- Okay.
- Hey, can I get my make-up back now? Oh, yeah, right, of course.
- There you go.
- [MCINTYRE.]
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Listen, I just need to charge up my phone.
You know a spot where I could park myself for a little bit? There's a seating area over by the chapel.
Great, great.
Thank you.
So, are you sure nobody's gonna recognize us? Owen, we're wearing sunglasses.
Wow.
Sy really pulled this off.
All of São Paulo's elite are here.
Not to mention the wealthiest desk collectors from all over the world.
- Yeah.
- [GASPS.]
- There's Baroness Von Eaglesburg.
- [LOLA.]
Oh, wow.
She recently paid $20,000 for a credenza that used to belong to actor Paul Giamatti.
Wow.
Lucky.
Oh, hey, there's Cat.
Cat.
- Cat! - Cat.
Cat.
Hey.
Sunglasses.
- It's us.
- We're wearing sunglasses.
- Oh, my gosh, I didn't even - I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you okay? - What do you mean? - I got your message from Los Angeles.
Oh, about the virus attack thing? Yeah, that was crazy.
I was kind of the only person who saw him up close, so now every blog wants to talk to me about it, - you know? - And what does he look like? You know, it's really tough to describe him.
[GLASS CLINKING.]
- Oh.
It's starting.
- Oh, it's Hey.
[GAVEL BANGS.]
May I have your attention? Hi.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you for joining us during this very difficult time.
So, let's put away our worries, open our hearts and our wallets, as we support the number one expatriate pediatric medical facility in all of São Paulo Childrens Hospital! Which is where we are.
All right first up, lot number one.
This desk formerly belonging to Dr.
Blake Downs.
It's a classic 60 inch by 30 inch workhorse with an espresso laminate finish, and the beauty also features greasepaint stains and the phrase "I'm Bla.
" Where is Blake, by the way? - He's in a Chinese prison.
- Yeah.
Gotcha.
The bidding will start at $1,000.
Do I see $1,000? Do I hear $2,000? Do I hear 250? Two-fifty, thank you very much.
Sold to the gentleman in the furry hat in the back.
And next up we have the desk formerly belonging to Dr.
Valerie Flame.
There she is.
[APPLAUSE.]
- That's a nice desk - Yes.
It's made from French oak and has a lockable cabinet.
All right, bidding starts at $2,000.
Do I have $2,000? Do I have 3,000? Three thousand to the baroness.
Should I make a bid? A bid against the baroness? Are you insane? I have borderline personality disorder.
Sold! Three thousand dollars to the baroness.
[COUGHS.]
You okay? No, I'm dying.
Right, right, right, right, right.
And our final auction item tonight is the former desk of the former Childrens Hospital pediatrician, Dr.
Lola Spratt.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
It measures 74 by 35 inches, has a solid rosewood surface with a sleek steel case frame, and boasts numerous drawers for all your storage needs.
Do I hear an opening bid of $400? Here.
Four hundred dollars to that morbidly pale woman right over there.
- That's you.
- Yeah.
Do we have 450? Four-fifty.
Do I have 500? Five hundred, ladies Five twenty-five.
All right, the bidding stands at $575, to Dr.
Spratt.
Do I hear 600? No more bids? Anyone? Please, anyone? Six hundred.
- All right, going once - [GAVEL BANGS.]
going twice You know - What is he doing? - I should really tell you that I have it on good authority that that desk was never cleared out of all its contents - before this auction.
- No! Sy, you can't do that! I have the highest bid.
Call the auction.
And inside said desk is a certain laptop computer.
Sy! Don't you dare! And some believe that that said computer contains scientific data that could lead to a cure for the virus that threatens to kill us all.
Who wants to be a hero? One thousand dollars.
There you go! One thousand.
Do I hear two? - Two thousands dollars.
- Val! What the fuck? Why can't I be the one who saves the world? Five thousand dollars.
Ten thousand dollars.
She's so bad at this.
Fifteen thousand.
- Twenty thousand.
- Damn it! Looks like we've got a real bidding war on our hands.
You came for the desks, but you're gonna stay for the fireworks.
- Do I hear - Forty thousand dollars.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Fifty thousand dollars.
[MAN.]
What? Sixty thousand dollars.
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
It keeps going up and up.
Okay, look, I could take out a loan on my houseboat.
Between that and my Peloton bike, we could probably get up to 150,000.
What if we just go all in? We make the baroness think that we have no limit and we scare her off.
- One hundred and fif - Two hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, fuck you, lady! - Fuck you, lady! Two hundred thousand dollars.
Two hundred smackeroos.
What a bold and daring bid, Baroness.
Two hundred thousand dollars, going once Two hundred thousand dollars, going twice - Sol - Three hundred thousand dollars.
[APPLAUSE.]
Glenn.
Hey, look, I don't exactly know what's going on, but it looks like you guys need help.
Okay? And I have goo-gobs of money to burn, thanks to my aforementioned many side business ventures.
- Five hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, no, Glenn.
You're bidding against yourself right now.
- Yeah.
- What? Oh, shit.
I came in hot.
What did that cost me? No, don't tell me.
Five hundred thousand dollars.
Truly an unprecedented turn of events.
Baroness, do I hear 550? Five hundred thousand dollars going once.
Five hundred thousand dollars going twice.
Five hundred thousand dollars sold to Dr.
Glenn Ritchie.
Yahtzee! [MUFFLED LAUGHTER.]
Glenn.
Oh, I could kiss you right now, but I am actually dying of the virus.
Oh, forget it.
I'm sure the hug is probably enough to kill me.
Dr.
Ritchie, what a show.
What a show.
Now, just come with me 'cause we have some business to attend to.
Oh? Oh! I I have to pay for the right, yikes, wow and I just get a desk? Now I've got to get a chair.
So, it should be right in here.
Okay.
Oh, here it is.
This is just like you described it.
Yeah, right? The mind is incredible.
Let's go! Okay, come on.
- Oh, I hope this works.
- Plug it in.
[LOLA.]
Okay.
- Okay.
- Wow, this is an old computer.
I know.
[COMPUTER BOOT-UP SOUND CHIMES.]
Okay.
All right.
Now you just gotta find that thesis.
There's an update available.
Let me do that.
- No, no, no, no, no! - No.
Can't you just do the update later? Just let me do it how I do it.
[GROANS.]
Now, that's what I call - a real desk auction.
- Yeah.
What's with all these new doctors? Sy must have brought in backup to help with all the patients.
- Doctor, please, help, I - Not now! What kind of doctor ignores a patient like that? Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Oh, doctor, I really need someone to - Not now, lady.
Okay, it's done updating.
We're ready.
All right, let me just There it is.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- How many pages? It's 172.
What page are you on? It's a dense scientific document.
I just want you to put that out there right away.
Oh, my God.
Yes, of course.
It's all coming back to me.
- [CLIMACTIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [WHISPERS.]
Oh, my God.
It's him.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
We're in position.
This technology could have saved lives a decade ago.
- Did you get what you need? - Yeah.
Lola! Owen! It really shouldn't take long to synthesize this cure if we just follow the steps in here.
Okay.
- Okay.
- You're a genius.
We might just pull this off.
No! [DISTORTED.]
No! Everybody get down! - [GUNFIRE.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God! - Are you hit? - Um, no, I'm okay.
Oh, good.
Hope you didn't need that.
Oh, shit! Please tell me you remember the research.
I mean, yeah, I think so.
Like, the main points.
The main idea for sure.
I don't know.
Sounds good enough to me.
Let's get to the lab.
Okay.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- [GUNFIRE.]
- [SCREAMING.]
What's going on out there? Hey, so I put a dollar in the soda machine and nothing came out.
So, someone may want to call the vendor to have it serviced.
Also, we're under attack.
- Think twice Take a look at the sunshine Whatcha doin' with your life? Watching the days fly by The world will only turn around If you spin it And you can only win the race I did it.
Richard! I finished it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Well done, Lola.
Well done.
Wow.
I finally get to see the fruits of your labors these many months.
I wanted to surprise you.
I think I've stumbled onto something really big.
Well, let's have a look at that pièce de résistance.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love it when you speak French.
Intracellular mechanics in the viral genome and practical applications for artificial pathogenic creation.
So, I took your research on viral taxonomy and I started to imagine a world where we could design and construct viruses from inorganic materials.
I'm imagining it now.
[LAUGHS.]
Yay.
Artificially constructed viruses? - Yeah.
- But, how could we ever make something so microscopic with any precision? Well, it's purely theoretical at this point.
The technology isn't there yet.
But they said that the Rubik's Cube would never be solved, and look what happened there.
Anyway, I think the science behind it is sound.
- It's incredible.
- Yeah? I I don't know what to say.
Well, you could say you like it.
But that would be a lie.
- Because you love it? - No, that would be an even bigger lie.
Lola, this is not science, it's make-believe.
Well it's theoretical.
It's a young girl's idle fantasy.
Your theories are slipshod.
Your conclusions are presumptuous.
If I wanted to read a work of fiction, I'd pick up the latest John Grisham novel, The Last Juror.
Is this really how you spent your entire semester? I thought you would be proud.
Quite the opposite.
I'm - un-proud.
- [SIGHS.]
You know, I might say that this is a waste of talent, but frankly I'm beginning to question the talent.
Maybe you're not cut out for virology after all, Ms.
Spratt.
[GASPS.]
Richard.
I think it might be best if you were to refer to me as Professor Waters again.
Is there anything else? No, sir.
[OWEN.]
So, he knew your work was brilliant, but he lied to you to keep it for himself? I'm so glad this guy got shot in the face.
When he told me I wasn't cut out for a career in virology, I believed him.
You know, my confidence was just never the same after that.
And you just blocked it out? I was so ashamed.
It was too painful, so I I built a little wall around it in my mind, and it worked.
Um How do you remember the parts at the end after you leave, where Waters is sitting there alone? Ugh.
I am right there with you on that one, brother.
Sir what do we do now? Now? Well, let's take stock, shall we? We released the deadly virus without a cure.
We let the people who know the truth about what we did escape.
So, we could walk ourselves straight to jail, or contract the deadly virus and die, or I'll tell you what, we could hammer out a suicide pact.
Why not something fun? Like eating each other? We cannot quit now, sir! It is over, Collins.
Start eating me.
We can save ourselves! You have a couple of my chest hairs.
There are only a few people who know the truth about us.
Let's kill them! Ride out this pandemic in a bunker.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm the only one who made the hard decisions.
Why should I suffer the consequences? Over time the population will return and they will need someone to lead them.
Tell me what to do.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[REPORTER.]
And the chaos continues to spread with hospitals being overrun with desperate victims, forcing the military to step in.
And now on the lighter side, a little something from humorist Jim Davidson.
I don't know if you've been to a music store lately, but now they have a thing called a twelve-string guitar.
What do I need twelve strings with a guitar for? [WOMAN OVER PA.]
Attention virus carriers: if you are currently dying, please wait outside in an orderly fashion.
That is all.
[SIRENS BLARING.]
Childrens Hospital.
We are here.
Driving from Atlanta to Brazil didn't take as long as I thought it would.
Not so bad if you leave at the right time.
The trick was taking I-35 to avoid Houston.
- Yeah.
- So, what now? Well, remember that laptop you were all picturing in your heads as I described what happened to me in med school? - Yeah.
- It's in my office.
And my thesis is still on it.
Once we get that, we might be able to engineer a cure.
Let's go.
[SOLDIER.]
Stand back! You can't come in here.
Get back, all the way.
Goldfinch.
This is where we part ways.
- Goodbye, old friend.
- Ah, not goodbye, merely farewell.
- They're basically synonyms.
- You're basically a synonym.
Where will you go? It doesn't matter where the Goldfinch goes.
Wherever it is, I'm always on van-cation! - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [CHUCKLING.]
Finch! Uh-oh.
It's been a long time since I've been on a billboard.
When were you ever on a billboard? I used to do some modeling for a DUI attorney.
Okay, we need to find a way inside without being detected.
- Hey, Chet.
- Hey, guys.
Yeah, the billboard says you've been up to some pretty bad stuff.
Yeah.
But we were framed, all right.
And now we need to get back into the hospital.
- Can you help us sneak in? - Yeah.
I was framed once too.
Let's do it! Get in! We need to check the back.
So, more victims of the virus.
Just bringing the bodies to the morgue.
Okay, go ahead.
[SNEEZES.]
Open the bag slowly and come out.
[MUFFLED SPEECH.]
Thank God you found us.
He lured us into his ambulance and then he tied us up and he told us he was going to chop us up and feed us to wild horses.
No, I didn't.
Wait, maybe I did, did I? I can't remember.
Thanks so much, guys.
Real life-saver.
So, what are you guys doing? You got plans for the weekend? [COUGHS.]
[PATIENTS COUGHING.]
I'm gonna check in with my contacts at the CDC and see how bad it's gotten.
Well, let us know if we can help, okay? [OWEN.]
Gross.
I can handle a few sick people, but this is disgusting.
Hey, assholes, thanks a lot.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? Oh, spare me.
I've had people dying in my arms all week thanks to your little virus stunt.
Really uncool, murdering millions.
Seriously uncool.
- Yeah.
- It wasn't us, okay? We're trying to cure the virus, and also we're in love.
- What? - Ew.
We're in love and I'm dying and it's really just been, like, a crazy few days.
Why should we trust you? Yeah.
Um Okay.
Dori, how much cash is in your wallet? - Forty-nine bucks.
- Great.
Give it to me.
What? - Give me the wallet! - Give her the wallet! Jesus Christ.
Now, how much cash do you have? Forty-nine bucks.
So, do you trust us now? I guess so.
I mean, I have to admit, we misjudged you.
- Come on, let's go get that laptop.
- Okay.
Oh, and Val, thank you for helping us ID the water parks.
You got it.
So, if I remember correctly, I laid out all the steps to create the virus in my thesis.
So, all we'll need to do is just to work backwards to reverse-engineer the cure.
- Okay.
- We gotta move fast.
- Do you remember where your laptop is? - Yeah, of course, bottom drawer of my desk.
- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit! [OVER PA.]
Attention, staff, merry desk auction days.
Desk the halls.
That is alls.
Wow, they did this place up pretty nice.
Look at these balloons.
Curtains.
- Tablecloths.
- Okay, Owen, focus.
We just need to find my desk and get my laptop, all right? Oh, my God.
There it is.
Great.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hi, Sy.
- Hi.
Hey.
Wow.
- Desk auction is really happening, huh? - So many great desks.
- So many.
- And what can I do for you two wanted criminals? - Look, about that - Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, look, let's just be clear.
Obviously we didn't infect the whole world.
- We didn't infect anybody.
- No.
Well, we infected each other - with our love.
- Oh, yes we did.
- I'd get infected by you any day.
- I would do it again.
Point is, we're not the bad guys, we're the good guys.
Point is, you no longer work here at this hospital.
I fried you.
Okay.
Yeah, but technically I quite before you fried me.
But look, Sy, I'm not asking for my job back.
I just need to get my computer in my desk.
It actually has information in it that might save the world.
Excuse me, missy.
May I remind you, it is no longer your desk, you donated it.
- Sy, come on.
- But The rules of the auction clearly state, "The winning bidder will be awarded the desk along with any and all materials found in said desk.
" - But - Wait a second.
What if we win the auction for Lola's desk? Then do we get the laptop? Well, if you've got the money honey, the desk got the time.
But let me just remind you that there are major desk aficionados coming to this gala.
We're talking about real heavy hitters, like these two.
Hello.
[OVER PA.]
Attention: welcome heavy hitters to the desk auction.
Heavy coughers, please stay away from the guests.
That is all.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Thank you.
Are you feeling okay? Yeah, it's just the virus.
I'm getting weaker.
Or maybe you're not getting enough iron in you diet.
Maybe, but it's probably the virus.
Is my rash covered up? Yeah.
Make-up really did the trick.
- Okay.
- Hey, can I get my make-up back now? Oh, yeah, right, of course.
- There you go.
- [MCINTYRE.]
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Listen, I just need to charge up my phone.
You know a spot where I could park myself for a little bit? There's a seating area over by the chapel.
Great, great.
Thank you.
So, are you sure nobody's gonna recognize us? Owen, we're wearing sunglasses.
Wow.
Sy really pulled this off.
All of São Paulo's elite are here.
Not to mention the wealthiest desk collectors from all over the world.
- Yeah.
- [GASPS.]
- There's Baroness Von Eaglesburg.
- [LOLA.]
Oh, wow.
She recently paid $20,000 for a credenza that used to belong to actor Paul Giamatti.
Wow.
Lucky.
Oh, hey, there's Cat.
Cat.
- Cat! - Cat.
Cat.
Hey.
Sunglasses.
- It's us.
- We're wearing sunglasses.
- Oh, my gosh, I didn't even - I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you okay? - What do you mean? - I got your message from Los Angeles.
Oh, about the virus attack thing? Yeah, that was crazy.
I was kind of the only person who saw him up close, so now every blog wants to talk to me about it, - you know? - And what does he look like? You know, it's really tough to describe him.
[GLASS CLINKING.]
- Oh.
It's starting.
- Oh, it's Hey.
[GAVEL BANGS.]
May I have your attention? Hi.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you for joining us during this very difficult time.
So, let's put away our worries, open our hearts and our wallets, as we support the number one expatriate pediatric medical facility in all of São Paulo Childrens Hospital! Which is where we are.
All right first up, lot number one.
This desk formerly belonging to Dr.
Blake Downs.
It's a classic 60 inch by 30 inch workhorse with an espresso laminate finish, and the beauty also features greasepaint stains and the phrase "I'm Bla.
" Where is Blake, by the way? - He's in a Chinese prison.
- Yeah.
Gotcha.
The bidding will start at $1,000.
Do I see $1,000? Do I hear $2,000? Do I hear 250? Two-fifty, thank you very much.
Sold to the gentleman in the furry hat in the back.
And next up we have the desk formerly belonging to Dr.
Valerie Flame.
There she is.
[APPLAUSE.]
- That's a nice desk - Yes.
It's made from French oak and has a lockable cabinet.
All right, bidding starts at $2,000.
Do I have $2,000? Do I have 3,000? Three thousand to the baroness.
Should I make a bid? A bid against the baroness? Are you insane? I have borderline personality disorder.
Sold! Three thousand dollars to the baroness.
[COUGHS.]
You okay? No, I'm dying.
Right, right, right, right, right.
And our final auction item tonight is the former desk of the former Childrens Hospital pediatrician, Dr.
Lola Spratt.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
It measures 74 by 35 inches, has a solid rosewood surface with a sleek steel case frame, and boasts numerous drawers for all your storage needs.
Do I hear an opening bid of $400? Here.
Four hundred dollars to that morbidly pale woman right over there.
- That's you.
- Yeah.
Do we have 450? Four-fifty.
Do I have 500? Five hundred, ladies Five twenty-five.
All right, the bidding stands at $575, to Dr.
Spratt.
Do I hear 600? No more bids? Anyone? Please, anyone? Six hundred.
- All right, going once - [GAVEL BANGS.]
going twice You know - What is he doing? - I should really tell you that I have it on good authority that that desk was never cleared out of all its contents - before this auction.
- No! Sy, you can't do that! I have the highest bid.
Call the auction.
And inside said desk is a certain laptop computer.
Sy! Don't you dare! And some believe that that said computer contains scientific data that could lead to a cure for the virus that threatens to kill us all.
Who wants to be a hero? One thousand dollars.
There you go! One thousand.
Do I hear two? - Two thousands dollars.
- Val! What the fuck? Why can't I be the one who saves the world? Five thousand dollars.
Ten thousand dollars.
She's so bad at this.
Fifteen thousand.
- Twenty thousand.
- Damn it! Looks like we've got a real bidding war on our hands.
You came for the desks, but you're gonna stay for the fireworks.
- Do I hear - Forty thousand dollars.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Fifty thousand dollars.
[MAN.]
What? Sixty thousand dollars.
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
It keeps going up and up.
Okay, look, I could take out a loan on my houseboat.
Between that and my Peloton bike, we could probably get up to 150,000.
What if we just go all in? We make the baroness think that we have no limit and we scare her off.
- One hundred and fif - Two hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, fuck you, lady! - Fuck you, lady! Two hundred thousand dollars.
Two hundred smackeroos.
What a bold and daring bid, Baroness.
Two hundred thousand dollars, going once Two hundred thousand dollars, going twice - Sol - Three hundred thousand dollars.
[APPLAUSE.]
Glenn.
Hey, look, I don't exactly know what's going on, but it looks like you guys need help.
Okay? And I have goo-gobs of money to burn, thanks to my aforementioned many side business ventures.
- Five hundred thousand dollars.
- Oh, no, Glenn.
You're bidding against yourself right now.
- Yeah.
- What? Oh, shit.
I came in hot.
What did that cost me? No, don't tell me.
Five hundred thousand dollars.
Truly an unprecedented turn of events.
Baroness, do I hear 550? Five hundred thousand dollars going once.
Five hundred thousand dollars going twice.
Five hundred thousand dollars sold to Dr.
Glenn Ritchie.
Yahtzee! [MUFFLED LAUGHTER.]
Glenn.
Oh, I could kiss you right now, but I am actually dying of the virus.
Oh, forget it.
I'm sure the hug is probably enough to kill me.
Dr.
Ritchie, what a show.
What a show.
Now, just come with me 'cause we have some business to attend to.
Oh? Oh! I I have to pay for the right, yikes, wow and I just get a desk? Now I've got to get a chair.
So, it should be right in here.
Okay.
Oh, here it is.
This is just like you described it.
Yeah, right? The mind is incredible.
Let's go! Okay, come on.
- Oh, I hope this works.
- Plug it in.
[LOLA.]
Okay.
- Okay.
- Wow, this is an old computer.
I know.
[COMPUTER BOOT-UP SOUND CHIMES.]
Okay.
All right.
Now you just gotta find that thesis.
There's an update available.
Let me do that.
- No, no, no, no, no! - No.
Can't you just do the update later? Just let me do it how I do it.
[GROANS.]
Now, that's what I call - a real desk auction.
- Yeah.
What's with all these new doctors? Sy must have brought in backup to help with all the patients.
- Doctor, please, help, I - Not now! What kind of doctor ignores a patient like that? Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Oh, doctor, I really need someone to - Not now, lady.
Okay, it's done updating.
We're ready.
All right, let me just There it is.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- How many pages? It's 172.
What page are you on? It's a dense scientific document.
I just want you to put that out there right away.
Oh, my God.
Yes, of course.
It's all coming back to me.
- [CLIMACTIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [WHISPERS.]
Oh, my God.
It's him.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
We're in position.
This technology could have saved lives a decade ago.
- Did you get what you need? - Yeah.
Lola! Owen! It really shouldn't take long to synthesize this cure if we just follow the steps in here.
Okay.
- Okay.
- You're a genius.
We might just pull this off.
No! [DISTORTED.]
No! Everybody get down! - [GUNFIRE.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God! - Are you hit? - Um, no, I'm okay.
Oh, good.
Hope you didn't need that.
Oh, shit! Please tell me you remember the research.
I mean, yeah, I think so.
Like, the main points.
The main idea for sure.
I don't know.
Sounds good enough to me.
Let's get to the lab.
Okay.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- [GUNFIRE.]
- [SCREAMING.]
What's going on out there? Hey, so I put a dollar in the soda machine and nothing came out.
So, someone may want to call the vendor to have it serviced.
Also, we're under attack.